The World's Beefiest Blog

Disney World E-mail Debate - Top 10 Attractions

2012-01-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

There are very few people I know who love Disney as much asI do. My friend Annie is one of them. She’s been there many times, and puts alot of thought into her visits.

She’s often expressed interest in my Disney-themed blogs over the years, so inan effort to bring more variety to my blog posts, I’ve asked her tooccasionally discuss various topics via email… The products of thosediscussions will be posted here.

For the first one, I asked her simply to name her Top 10Rides/Attractions at Disney World. Here’s our unedited (except for typos) exchange:

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ANNIE:

Well hello there, Dan! Look at me! I'm actually doing this! After literallyyears of talking about it. Amazing. Anyway, without further ado, my top tenrides at Walt Disney World.

My number one is easy: Splash Mountain.
This is always my answer to the age-old"If you only had time for ONE ride..." question. It has everything.Thrills? Check. Cute Disney characters singing? Check. Impressive audioanimatronics? Checkity check. Granted the queue is pretty heinous in crowdedmid-July and it can be amazingly stressful when the woman in front of you letsher toddler stand up for the entire ride, but the ride itself? Pure Disneyperfection.

Two is Expedition Everest.
The backwards drop is so freaking cool. It's rarenow but I loved when it was first built and people honestly did not know whatwas going on when we pulled up to that mangled
track. I'm sure they didn't think a yeti had destroyed it, but when's the lasttime you went on a roller coaster and were surprised by anything? I actuallyscreamed, "AHH THE YETI" the first time I rode when they light him upnear the end. It's a damn cool ride.

Three? Space Mountain.
Nuff said.

Four is Spaceship Earth.
It would've ranked higher before the recent changes.Would it be that difficult to allow riders to select which audio they want? ButI digress. This ride can also be made stressful by idiot teenagers who climbaround the cars during the backwards descent. Am I the only one who notices thesethings? And never, ever forgets them? And DO NOT call it a golf ball. I am notresponsible for my actions if someone calls it a golf ball.

Five is the TOWER OF TERROR!
I never really realized until just then what asweet name that really is. Anyway. Another example of many Disney fans' reasonfor loving the rides so much. It's not just a drop
ride--go up, come down--like every other theme park builds. It's got a storyand it is SO COOL. When your elevator car goes forward into the Twilight Zone?Amazing.

Six is Pirates of the Caribbean.
Iconic, classic, fun. Although, I once read aprobably-not-true story about how the cast member in the bridge above the dropcan forget to press a button that will make the
boat behind you land on top of your boat. I assume there would be scalping. Ialways imagine scalping. I cannot get this out of my head, so I find myselfunreasonably stressed during that part of the ride. (Wow, I didn't expect thislist to illustrate how neurotic I truly am.) Would've scored higher without allthe changes. I understand including Jack, though. I just don't love it.

Seven is It's A Small World.
I know, I know. But I love Mary Blair. I love thecheesy hippie dippy message. I could be wrong, but I think they haven't addedthe character dolls to the Disney World ride. I saw the new version inDisneyland and I'm not really a huge fan. I love when they Blair-ize thecharacters, but they felt out of place. I hope, in vain, that they leave theWDW attraction alone. (ramblerambleramble) Only downside is when you're stuckin a mass of boats for 12 years at the end of every ride. Also a favorite ridefor Mothers who like to let their toddlers stand up and stress me out.

Eight is Soarin'.
Every time I remind myself not to look down. And thenpromptly look down.

Nine is Ye Olde Rock n Roller Coaster.

And ten, and it's so wrong but so right, is the Many Adventures of Winnie thePooh.
No offense to ole Snowy, but some of the Fantasyland dark rides arebarely worth any wait above 20 minutes. I like this one. I like when the rain rain rain comes down down down and it feels likewe're floating along. I like the Heffalumps (Woozles...meh). I like the bookpages throughout. I just think it's really well done even for such a simple concept.

And there you have it. Now tear it to shreds! Let me guess your
list... "1. Spaceship Earth 2. Soarin' 3. Everest....."

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MUCHACHO:

Alright! This is gonna be fun. So, first... aninteresting list. I think I could have predicted at least 7 of your 10. Maybenot in order... I dunno... It's hard to say you're wrong about any ofthem (except I can't see putting Winnie the Pooh in any Top Ten, and myfeelings about It's a Small World are well chronicled, though I at leastunderstand the historical significance of that one.. I'll discuss more of yourchoices after my list..

Also, I'm not as tormented as you are by children standing up on the ridevehicles. Part of me really wants to see one of them fall out of the PeopleMover, or whatever, so it doesn't bother me. I've found my enjoyment of some ofthe attractions diminished, though, by the jackasses who take flash picturesand the other ones who don't go all the way down the row. These things make mefar more angry, and they definitely alter my rankings. Little Mermaid is prettyfun until you get stuck on the edge because some family acting as though therules don't apply to them decided to stop in the middle. I pride myself on mycrowd estimating, and know exactly where to stand to get a good seat. All myplanning is ruined when they stop in the middle.

Anyway, lets do this, and then we can hash it out. And you guessed 3 of mytop 10 in your last sentence, but not the order..

Number 1: Soarin'
It's the same deal for me with the whole "if you could only ride onething". I thought not as much about what ride I would choose,but what ride I'd be most bummed I'd skipped. I think that makessense...right? Anyway, I really think that Soarin' is everything a Disneyride should be... It's technically superior to everything else like it in theworld. Every motion simulator TRIES to be this good and fails. It's just anincredible feat of engineering. It has thrills, but not the kind you get atKing's Island, which are cheap. Any ride can drop you or whatever, but Soarin'is exciting when you're not really even moving at all, and I like that itavoids terror and is more a mellow thrill... if that makes sense. I also lovethe smells. I know it's weird, but literally whenever I smell oranges, I thinkof Soarin'. That's a weird thing to try to explain to someone.

Number 2: Pirates of the Caribbean
I can go either way on the additions of Jack, Barbosa and the rest, but reallyit's a real classic of Disney creativity. It's a legendary dark ride. It's soweird too... Every time I ride it I see something new. Like... You know how yougo through that room where the pirates are chasing the women, and the one womanwith the rolling pin is chasing the pirate? I never noticed until this pasttrip that their legs actually move! I always just thought they were glidingaround, and maybe they are, but the legs are definitely churning away. Howfreakin' awesome is that? I've ridden the thing 30+ times and I'm stillexperiencing it differently. That's cool.

Number 3: Expedition Everest:
Waaaay back in the Spring of 09 I wrote a blog called "Disney World forAliens" where I decided what 5 attractions I would recommend toaliens if they were ever to visit and ask "Explain what makes Disney Worldgreat in 5 Attractions". Everest was my #1 thing. It wasn't saying that itwas my favorite ride, just what attraction was the most Disney. It scored oneof the two perfect 10 scores. I think I still agree... First, it's another oneof those technical marvels. You have backward and forward movement, tracks thatliterally flip around, and enormous animatronic things. Next, the theming isright up there as one of the most intricate in the whole of the Disney Empire.Third, it has this visual impact that beats just about every ride in the placeaside from Spaceship Earth. You walk in and that mountain just TOWERS over tothe right. It's amazing to look at. Add to that the totally exciting rideitself, and it's a top 3 attraction any day. It still makes me feel reallygross afterward though. Have I mentioned I'm not a roller coaster fan?

Number 4: The Haunted Mansion
I've come to love this ride more and more as time goes by. It's funny; it'sanother excellent example of theming. It's the ride I'd most want to work on ifI were a cast member (Not the job I'd most want, but if I were to be a ridecharacter). I've been known to listen to the full narration of the ride (ByThurl Ravenscroft...greatest name ever!) in my car. I tried to record it onvideo this past visit, but I failed miserably. I really like the updates theymade to it over the past 5 years, and the new queue is a lot of fun. You'dmentioned the narration on Spaceship Earth, and I think this one is even more indispensable. Thurl died in 2005, and there's really no way to get anyone to come close tobeing as snarky and creepy and funny at the same time. None.

Number 5: Mickey's Philharmagic
You know... I'm a softie, and this attraction pushes all of mynostalgia buttons. I just found out that they didn't record any new Donaldvoice stuff for any of the ride, but simply took old recordings of him andpieced it together. Anyway, there are a few great scenes, each re-done withpretty excellent 3D.. Especially, if I do say so, the Peter Pan scene where youfly around Big Ben.

Number 6: Spaceship Earth
You're right... it's not as good as it once was with the old Jeremy Ironsnarration. That was epic. There was nothing better than cresting at the top ofthe dome and hearing "Or will we use this power to usher in a new age ofunderstanding and cooperation on this, our SPACESHIP EARTH." That was amagical moment... I'm not sure, though that it would beat out any of the other5 for me anyway. And there are still some awesome things. As a Hidden Mickey fan,S.E. is a treasure trove of them. It's also infinitely entertaining to 1) makefunny faces into the new cameras that put your head into the animations at theend. 2) Select a random language so you have no idea what you're choosing inthe interactive portion. That shit his hilarious. I'll never forget selectingFrench and watching our funny faces marching around with French narration as weboarded our sea cars. It loses points by getting rid of Irons, but I love a lotof the new additions. So... it evens out for me, mostly.

Number 7: Tower of Terror!
I hadn't ridden this ride since 1994 before my visit in 2009. Let's be clearabout something... I was a great big pussy for a long time. This ride fuckingTERRIFIED me (fittingly, I suppose). The TM convinced me to ride it again afterall that time, and i came to realize... holy crap is that fun! I've talked alot about the theming previously, and sure enough... it's awesome. What I neverrealized was how much fun it was to be the heavy end of a yoyo. They've changedthe ride mechanism like... five times since I rode it the year it opened, whenthey pretty much just dropped you once and that was it. Now it's totallyrandom, and it drops you like 5 times. And almost bounces. It's crazy fun.

Number 8: Splash Mountain
You're totally right about everything you said about Splash Mountain. It'sdefinitely the best incorporation of characters into a ride. It's gotta be thelongest actual RIDE ride anywhere. The music will get right in your head("Pretty good sureasyourborn") and while the drops are scary, they'renot so scary that I dread them at this point. I used to, though... In fact, Iremember years where I'd watch the people plummet (and there's no other wordfor it), and I'd straight up talk myself out of it. Not anymore. It's really,really fun. The only reason it doesn't make it into the top 5 is that I reallydislike walking around with wet shoes. Trust me when I say... If you rideit once and make it off without getting soaked. STOP RIDING. The gods do notappreciate you tempting fate by riding a second time. Every time I've done it,I've paid the price with soaking wet shoes. I can't abide wet shoes, so theranking drops just on the outside chance of shoe wetness.

Number 9: Star Tours
Never, in a million years, would I have predicted that Star Tours would crackmy top ten even a year ago. It was shaky and nauseating and definitelyoutdated. A cool (and I believe the first) motion simulator that had seenbetter days. Not anymore. They've worked out every mechanical kink, so themovement is now smooth as silk, and the motion seems really, really real. Oh...and they've changed the plot. To FIFTY FOUR variations. The plot comes in theseepisodic pieces that they puzzle together to create a larger adventure, andeach experience is different. Officially, it would take 6 hours of non-stopriding to experience all of the options. What better way to keep the thingfresh? It also has you fighting Darth Vader, and that's pretty cool.

Number 10: Finding Nemo: The Musical
It's easy to forget about this show, but if you're going to the Animal Kingdom,you HAVE to see it. It's so well performed, and the music is so catchy andclever (Written by the people who wrote Avenue Q). It also manages to packin a really good proximity of the full Finding Nemo story in a little over 40minutes. The tech is awesome. The puppetry is really inventive (I would LOVE toplay Bruce the Shark), and the singing is, overall very well executed. Afterthe TM and I saw it in 09, we liked it so much that she bought me thesoundtrack, which lived in slot #5 in my car CD player for the next 2 years.This is easily the best show in all the parks, and one of my favorite things atDisney.

Honorable Mentions: Peter Pan, Kilimanjaro Safari, People Mover, Carousel ofProgress,

So... it seems we have a lot of overlap (Splash Mtn, Everest, Tower of Terror,Pirates, Soarin, Spaceship Earth). I mentioned above your questionableinclusion of Winnie the Pooh, so I won't belabor it, even though Icould say that I think it's inferior to Peter Pan in every way,except for the duration. I'd like for you to explain your inclusionsof Space Mountain, which is, in my opinion a little boring, always has way toolong a line, and is kind of painful to ride.... and Rock n Roller Coaster,which to me is the most non-Disney of all of the major attractions, even thoughit's really fun.

What were your "Close but no cigar" choices? I'm surprised thatneither of us had Journey into Imagination, even though it's widely consideredterrible. I'm also surprised there was no Toy Story Mania... Just for thenewness. Strangely neither made my top 15. What about Kali River Rapids?

This is fun.
Go!

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ANNIE:

My sick obsession with reading about theme park accidents iswhy I stress so much about it. The People Mover has killed before! The vehiclesreally do not care if you are stuck underneath them, it seems. Shudder.

I commented that some evergreen smelling thing reminded meof Soarin' recently. You are not alone. I'd also like to add that Soarin' is reallycool to experience as a group with other riders. I've always been surrounded bypeople ooh-ing and ahh-ing. (I always do single rider for this one, who careswho you're sitting next to?)

We, too, have the Haunted Mansion CD with Thurl. He was Tony the Tiger! Andsang "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch!" He was actually a bonus answerat my trivia one night. (No one got it.)

I almost added Philharmagic. It was number 11. I have yet to get through thedamn thing without crying though. (There go those neuroses again)

I like the new things at the end of Spaceship Earth, too. Although I made themistake of opening my mouth for the picture so I ended up with a see-through mouth.

The first time I rode Tower of Terror I had to be helped off of it because mylegs were totally jellified. And I could not wait to ride it again. Disney hasa way of making things just scary enough without being too much (Mission: SPACEexcluded). I am not a ride person at all anywhere else. If it doesn't make mepuke, then I'll surely get a headache. At Disney, I know I can safely rideanything without risk of day ruination.

Also on Splash Mountain, if you've made it down the drop without getting wet,don't get too comfortable. That elephant sees me coming every time.

I cannot--CANNOT--wait to see the new Star Tours. Why mustyou taunt
me by speaking of it's awesomeness?

OMFG WITH THE NEMO MUSICAL! I still cannot believe I let you make me sitthrough that garbage. The puppets are really cool. Other than that? Total wasteof everything. The lyrics are written by a five year old! "I'm so sad/Imiss my dad". Oh, just wretched, that thing. I also cannot make it throughthis without crying. (Get it? Cuz it's so bad? ZING.) But it's good to knowthat they sold that one soundtrack that they made by accident.

Peter Pan is short and underwhelming. The concept is cool, it's great to lookat, but I can never justify a 45 minute wait for 3 minutes of, "Cool! Sosmall!" Ride vehicles are neat-o, though. You must always wave to Nana.WAVE TO NANA!

I think Space Mountain is so totally rad. I honestly get giddy every time Iclimb into that car because I'm about to go into space and it's SO COOL. I lovethe exterior as well--so 70's futuristic. I'm having trouble coming up with anyexplanation beyond, "CUZ ITS COOL, I LIKE LIGHTS!" The DL version ismuch less cool, I will say. If this were a DL list, I'm not sure that it would'vemade it. You know, less colors. I've waited two hours for Space Mountainbefore. With a FP [Fast Pass] in hand to ride it again immediately after. MaybeI have some sort of forgotten childhood subconscious thing with it. Who knows?Same with Rock n Roller Coaster, too, really. I mean, arguably Everest is no different.There's nothing "Disney" about a Yeti. Their Disney-oscity lies intheir awesome-noscity.

I considered Philharmagic, Toy Story Mania (which I do think is really fun butI can't wait to not have to wait in line for 6 days just to ride it), StarTours and MuppetVision3D. Oh, and I seriously tried to rationalize adding ElRio del Tiempo (name change? what name change? lalalala...) or Maelstrom. Butthat's when my brain starts going, "And
Jungle Cruise! And the Tiki Room! Andandandand!" and I remind myself thatthe point is to pick only ten.

Oddly, I've never ridden Kali River Rapids. I've always wanted to but there'snever been a convenient time to be soaking wet. I get pretty wham-bam in AnimalKingdom. Get in, ride Everest a couple of times, Dinosaur, Rainforest Cafe, andI'm outta there. I'm a little surprised you didn't have your little safari onthere, too. Or the dreaded Carousel of Progress.

This felt reeeeeeeeally ramble-y. Feel free to edit. Structure was never mystrong suit.

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MUCHACHO

That was a lot to take in... I'll respond, you respond (inshort form) with any closing thoughts, and we'll call this one complete...

1) Finding Nemo, when we saw it, was still in rewrites. I scanned through thesoundtrack and there is no "I'm so sad; I miss my Dad". So, if thatwas in it in 2006, it's not in there now. Either way, the tech and the puppetryis awesome. The music is catchy, and it grows on you. I love it now.

2) I wonder if that open mouth thing is what happened to me. We got a videowith 2 Tofu Muchachas. It was mildly disconcerting.

3) You mention, briefly, Mission Space. I read things all the time about Top10s and whatnot, and I very rarely see it mentioned. I've ridden it once, andit was "meh" for me. Not memorable. (I did ride the tame version). Itdidn't make me sick or anything, but I can see how it would. I also note nomentions at all of Test Track. I skipped it for the first time on my mostrecent visit. And we definitely had the time.

4) The difference between Rock'n'Roller Coaster / Space Mountain vs Everest interms of "Disney-Osity" is the level of technology and the theming.There's nothing more inherently Disney about a Yeti than there is aboutPirates, but the Yeti itself is so awesome, and well done.. ONLY Disney coulddo it. I've never felt the same about the other 2. There's something originalabout Space Mountain that I will concede, because i think it was the firstindoor, dark roller coaster. I'd be more inclined to include that one, justbecause of the historical significance. Maybe it's the Aerosmith inclusion inthe other one that sort of makes me apathetic to it. Seems to date it veryspecifically, and isn't Disney supposed to be at least a little timeless?

5) I feel far more "Wham Bam" about Studios than I do about AnimalKingdom, though Tower of Terror is a fairly new addition to my favorite ridesand it certainly extends my stay there. AK has a bunch of "secondtier" things for me. The Safari is awesome, but it’s far too dependent onthe animals' moods to be truly in top 10 considerations. Dinosaur is good, butnot great. Festival of the Lion King is great, but I didn't have room for 2shows. Same with Tough to Be a Bug. I'd choose Philharmagic over it any day. Kali River Rapids is fun, but way too short, and yeah... There's about a 50%chance of getting more than soaked. Like... completely water-logged drenched.Not worth it.

6) Carousel of Progress is part of the subject of a whole other e-mailexchange: Things that sorely need updating.

7) You mentioned also the Tiki Room... They finally brought it back to the oldshow, and it was awesome. It also just missed inclusion.

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ANNIE:

Well, we agreed on an awful lot, even if the placement wasdifferent. I think it's really heartening how many recent additions we bothhave on our lists. I think it's easy to sit back and look at all the things thathave changed or that Disney is doing wrong nowadays. This list served to remindme that they still do a lot of really cool things
that stay true that what Disney once provided and what we fans have come toexpect. A beginning, middle and end. Intense theming. Superior technology.

It's also nice to see that things that have barely been changed since theirconstruction (adding Sparrow or changing audio are really small changes, if youthink about it) on both of our lists. The Star Tours changes have updated aride that was starting to feel dated and stale without changing the essence ofthe ride--or getting rid of it all
together. These lists have really made me feel a lot less pessimistic aboutDisney (as reading critical blogs can often lead you to be).

With the big Fantasyland expansion looming, it feels exciting to think aboutwhat these lists will look like in another ten years. How odd and special howDisney can balance the old with the new and manage to have guests love all ofit. It's not as though it's all geriatrics on Pirates while the kids arezooming around Test Track. Well, that's enough gushing about WDW. I'm glad to havemy current list archived so I can look back and it (and think, 'Really, Annie?Really?').

One last note: Seriously? Finding Nemo: the Musical? Out of everything--EVERYTHING--else,you pick that. It boggles my mind so much that I give the computer screen theside eye, wondering if you're just trolling your own brain somehow. But, sure.Tell people it's awesome. Less people in line for Everest that way.

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If you were entertained and wish to follow Annie on Twitter, she can be found at @djphob
Me? I'm at @beefymuchacho (of course).

The 2011 Muchacho Movie Rankings: Part 2... The Golden Muchachos

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

I’m back for Part 2 of my 2011 Movie Blog Extravaganza! Alsoknown as the less intense and overwhelming portion.

In Part 1, you may recall that I talked forever about a lotof movies. Some good, some bad, but most importantly, I talked a lot.

Part 2 will concentrate on the Golden Muchacho Awards. They’re basically likethe Oscars, but way more prestigious, and far more fictional.

Let’s Get Started!

Best Supporting Actor:
Patton Oswalt, Young Adult
Okay, so I hated this movie a lot, but Patton Oswalt somehow rose above thefray to put in one of the better performances of the year, supporting or not. Iwould have enjoyed hanging out with him in his garage, drinking Jawa Juice orwhatever it was he was making in those barrels.

Honorable Mentions:
Simon Pegg, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love
TJ Miller, Our Idiot Brother\

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Aziz Ansari, 30 Minutes or Less

Best SupportingActress
Anna Kendrick, 50/50
I believe Ms. Kendrick is now a 2 time winner of this award. It’s possible I’mnot totally rational when it comes to her, because I find her totallyfascinating, and really really talented. In any case, I thought she wasexcellent in this movie, as the reluctant love interest. She managed to playthe character’s struggle between all of these conflicting emotions so well, andso believably. I mean… I would not have wanted her as my therapist, but thatmay have kinda been the point.

Honorable Mentions:
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Bryce Dallas Howard, 50/50
Judi Dench, My Week with Marilyn

Maggie Smith, Harry Potter 7 pt. 2

Elle Fanning, Super 8

WeirdestPerformance, Female and Male Respectively

Carla Gallo, We Bought a Zoo – A truly bizarre performanceand an equally strangely written role. Gallo tends to play relatively likeablecharacters, but this one wasn’t at all. It was so weird. I didn’t understandthe animosity she had, and it just seemed horned in to create some sort ofdrama.

Mickey Rourke, Immortals – Man… this dude is totally crazy.I mean, I get that he was playing this crazy horrible villain, but he keptspitting on the ground and into things. Big pieces of fruit or whatever he waseating. It was so clearly a character choice he was making that was juststrange.

Biggest Waste ofGood Actors

Pirates of the Caribbean – Depp, McShane, and Rush in theworst movie of the year.. This is the CLEAR winner. There are no runners up.

Best Looking Cast

Crazy Stupid Love – This movie wins just by sheer volume ofattractive people. Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Julianne Moore, and Marisa Tomei.I mean… That’s some good looking dramedy.?

50/50 – Bryce Dallas Howard and Anna Kendrick.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig

Captain America – Chris Evans and Hayley Atwell.
X-Men – January Jonesm Jennifer Lawrence, and Fassbender.
Drive – Gosling and Carey Mulligan

I refuse to list Twilight, because that’s literally the only goal of theproducers of this movie, and they still fail. I won’t even go into how thevampires are supposed to be the most beautiful creatures on Earth, and um… Noteven close. Did you see how butchered Maggie Grace was? Yikes.

Toughest Scene toWatch

Water for Elephants – The beating of the elephant. There’sonly one other possible choice, and I’ll mention that too, but this one was theonly scene that I literally had to look away. I don’t know how they did it, butthat was some super disturbing, super realistic animal cruelty. Don’t want tosee it ever again.

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Rape of Lisbeth / Lisbeth gets her revenge. Imean… I don’t want to spoil it for people, but the horrible rape scene,followed by the subsequent revenge was pretty damned disturbing. I’ll just say that while it was sort ofenjoyable to see Lisbeth give that pervy guy a violent comeuppance, when sheshoved that giant silver thing up his ass, and then kicked it. I’m certain thewhole theater shuddered at once. That was rough.

Best IndividualScene – Comedy-

Bridesmaids – The Dress Shop Scene. If you haven’t seen it,my describing it to you will just seem gross. Just know that it was reallyfucking hilarious.

Best Individual Scene – Drama
50/50 – Pre-Surgery. The scene when Joseph Gordon Levitt is heading intosurgery, and his fear and anxiety starts bubbling to the surface. A really powerfulscene, excellently acted.

Best Actor

Joseph Gordon Levitt – 50/50

Look… This was a man’s performance. He hit every note, andhe did it with subtlety and seeming ease. There was nothing showy about it, andit was kind of easy to get lost in the shuffle of bigger name performances thisyear, but for my money, JGL makes a potentially saccharine, manipulative roleand squeezes every bit of humor and pathos out of it. He has 4 or 5 amazingscenes in this movie. Seriously, people. Buy it on BluRay and sit down andwatch it. It’s just an excellent movie anchored by a really excellentperformance by its lead.

Honorable Mentions
George Clooney, The Descendants
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Steve Carell, Crazy Stupid Love

Matt Damon, We Bought a Zoo
Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter 7

Best Actress
Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Nobody touches it. She was so good, and so sad as MarilynMonroe. I mean… I’ve talked a lot in other places about how I see a differencebetween the biopics where the actor impersonates a person (Ray and Monster astwo highly lauded examples) and where the actor plays the person without doingan impression (Walk the Line). I much prefer the latter to the former sinceimpressions seem gimmicky. There are occasional movies where the impression isso good, and so deep that you forget you’re not watching the real person. (Manon the Moon is my favorite of these.). Well.. Michelle Williams can be added tothis list. And for the record, Jim Carrey was robbed.

Honorable Mentions
Carey Mulligan, Drive
Kristin Wiig, Bridesmaids

Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The 2011 Muchacho Movie Rankings Part 1

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Last year I wrote a blog about all ofthe movies I saw in the theater in 2010.

I’d always beeninterested in the question “What is your favorite movie?” andfound my answer changing based on my tastes and my mood. This, ofcourse, is natural, but I also wondered how I would rank the moviesbased solely on my gut reaction to it at the very moment I saw it, soI started at the very start of the year, and listed each movie I sawas I saw it. Each time I added a movie, I placed it within the listbased on where it ranked among the other movies at the time I saw it.It was easy, because I didn’t have to evaluate each movie at thesame time. I was exceptionally pleased with how the list came out,and I think it’s an interesting way to rank them.

I didn’t do it the same way thisyear. I didn’t keep exact running track of them. Instead, I sort ofjust kept a list, unranked, throughout the year, and decided toevaluate them all at once by a new criteria.

“Would I want to see it again?”

I created several categories, andstarted at the top, picking the movies that fit into the mostesteemed category (“Movies I’d want to own”). Once I’ddivvied them all out, I was able to then rank the more manageablegroups within their subsets.

I think it’s still a fairlyaccurate portrayal of the movies I loved, liked, and disliked for theyear, and I’m keeping them in order… So basically you’regetting my Best to Worst. Overall, I don’t think it was aparticularly strong year.

Let’s break it down…

“Movies I Want toOwn”

50/50 -
Maybe I’mnot your typical “dude” who wants action, action, and moreaction. I’m definitely all about the story with many levels, and Ireally feel like no movie this year did a better job of mixing greatacting, excellent writing, comedy, emotion, and people I liked doinginteresting and likable things. Joseph Gordon Levitt should beconsidered for Best Actor this year, but he won’t be mainly becausethe movie came out too soon, and is probably considered too light formost voters (because what’s a movie about a young guy dying fromcancer if it’s not light?). My girl Anna Kendrick rocked it, again.Seth Rogen proved he could act, and not just be awkward (like hisperformance in The Green Hornet, for example). I cried at this movie,and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s the only one this year thatreally got me without me feeling a little manipulated (I’m lookingat you “We Bought a Zoo”). The Oscar talk has really gotten ahead of steam lately, and I rarely hear this mentioned, which is oddsince Rotten Tomatoes has this as the 2011 Winner of the GoldenTomato award for Best User Reviewed movie. Everyone loved it.

The Descendants / Moneyball–
Clooney and Pitt, at it again. Um… In completely separatemovies. Both feature very strong performances by these establishedstars, and they’re getting the majority of the attention, but theyalso featured great performances by other people, putting them overthe top. The Descendants features Shailene Woodley as Clooney’sdaughter, acting the shit out of a role that could easily beone-note, AND a barely mentioned Judy Greer as “the other man’swife” being great in just 3 scenes. I loved her in that movie. InMoneyball, our boy Jonah Hill, before he lost a crapload of weight,playing a completely fictional person in a movie about a true story. Kinda weird, I know, but he was really good. And that movie was aboutbaseball, so I had to give it extra points. Of all the movies on thelist, theTofu Muchacha would have cared the least about thisMoneyball…. One last note about The Descendants… Is it nowClooney’s secondary mission to play the leading man opposite prettybrunette girls who garner Oscar talk for Best Supporting Actress?

Harry Potter 7 part 2. –

You know what’s weird? I didn’thave part 1 on last year’s list at all. That was, I think, amistake, or maybe I was just planning to count the whole thing as onemovie and saved it for this year. Yeah… that’s what it was…Anyway, it’s very difficult to rate this movie by itself. All ofthe years of buildup to it sort of give it too much context for me tobe completely honest about it. I could likely write a whole blogabout just this movie series. It’s great, it got better as it wentalong, and I was totally happy with the on-screen realization of oneof my all time favorite books. It didn’t pack the emotional wallopthat the books did, but how could it? Still great, and I’m excitedto see the kids start showing up in other movies. Radcliffe in TheWoman in Black should be good.

Girl with the DragonTattoo –
I was about halfway through the book when Iwent to see the movie. I couldn’t wait anymore. I’m super glad Iwas impatient. I really liked it. Rooney Mara played Lisbeth Salanderas the total badass I picture when I read the book, and literallyevery scene she was in was so arresting that I was almost hypnotizedby her. There were definitely some down points in it… I find theactual mystery they’re investigating to be a bit of a non-starter,but that’s more an issue with the source material. I found theperformances, across the board, to be excellent. Daniel Craig wasbelievable as “not Bond”, Christopher Plummer was crazy good, andI loved all of the assorted Vanger family members. The Soundtrack wasalso excellent. Like… really excellent.

There are a bunch of movies in thenext two categories, and for the most part they could have, uponfurther evaluation, been swapped around and I wouldn’t havequestioned myself too much… However, so much of this experiment isabout “Gut Reaction” at the time of viewing that I couldn’t dotoo much fiddling with them. I simply separated them betweencategories at where I felt was the best place.

Netflix on aSaturday Night (Reasonably Good Movies, worthy of a date night)

Bridesmaids / Crazy Stupid Love

Do you know that people are talkingabout both of these movies in terms of OSCARS? That’s so strange,you know, because I see these movies as essentially the same kind offlick, and for the most part just really fun and fluffy. Of course,both of these movies are elevated by good writing and pretty strongperformances (Wiig and McCarthy in Bridesmaids and Gosling andCarrell in Crazy Stupid Love). In the end, I came close to placingthese movies in the upper category, but for whatever reason (asopposed to the ones above) neither of them stuck with me long after Ileft the theater. I think the TM liked them both a great deal,though, so that counts for something.

We Bought A Zoo

I really liked this movie, except forthe dead wife/mommy storyline. I feel like, even though it was basedon a true story, this part was overly manipulative. Especially thebusiness at the end. I really am a sucker for father/son bondingmovies, and I love animals, and I am one of the few unabashed PatrickFugit fans out there. Overall, it was a really good movie with a lotof memorable stuff, but I couldn’t rate it higher because Icouldn’t help but feel like a bit of a puppet as I walked out.

Mission Impossible: GhostProtocol / Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

Okay… So… These movies were superfun. I enjoyed both of them while I watched (especially MissionImpossible), and they were both pretty stunning to look at. So… whynot in the DVD category? They suffered from the same disease…. Thecentral conceit/ mystery was a little too convoluted for me. I leftthinking that something didn’t sit right. I don’t generally havea hard time following espionage plots, but the one in Sherlock Holmeswas almost impossible. I did have a hard time believing thatMoriarty, with his vast intellect, would be so consumed withsomething so pedestrian as war racketeering. And in MI… how manytimes is “Global Nuclear War” going to be the goal of someone ina big spy movie? How is this a reasonable goal? Anarchy isinteresting, sort of, but the odds of death are far too high for thevillain to truly want to blow everything up.

Super 8 / The Muppets
Ihad a tough time with these two. On the surface, they’re bothreally strong movies that also happen to sort of prey on my ownnostalgia (partly for kind of awesome filmmaking with kid stars andpartly for Muppets… you can guess which was which.). I think bothwould be higher had I felt more personal connection with The Muppets(I liked them, I think, but I was never the huge Muppets fan thatsome kids were) or with late 70s nostalgia. I was born in 1980. Ihave a feeling if some of the key situations in Super 8 had had thering of MY childhood, I’d feel more strongly about it. In bothcases, they were enjoyable, but not indelible.
* Side note… Inever put together the central concept of the Muppets until recentlythat the difference between Muppets and puppets is that puppets areknown to be toys with hands up their asses / strings on their arms,while Muppets are regarded by all humans as completely normal andfitting within the human world. Weird, huh?

Captain America

I do know a few things for sure:
1)Chris Evans has never been as good as this.

2) The effects were awesome.

3) Elrond played the bad guy

4) The action sequences were tight.

5) The period feel of it was cool for asuper hero movie.

6) The main love interest, played byHayley Atwell, is smoking hot.

All of these things are points inthe favor of Captain America. Just one problem: For the life of me Ican’t really remember the plot of this movie. I mean. I rememberthe Captain American origin portion, but lord… that whole Elrondpart was crazy and I don’t remember it. I think it involved TrumanCapote.

The Big Year

This movie came and went without muchcomment. It was largely disliked by critics. But you know… I likedit. It wasn’t anything brilliant, and it wasn’t breaking newground, exactly, but it was a very likeable movie, about a quirkysubject (bird watching… which itself is a term disliked by thatcommunity), featuring several big name, likeable stars who do largelylikeable things. It’s a pleasant movie that I would watch again ifit were on cable, and if I see it on Netflix on a Saturday night withthe Tofu Muchacha, I’m going to push for it… because otherwiselord knows what nonsense I’ll end up watching.

NetFlix on aThursday Afternoon (maybe part of a movie marathon, or while we’respending a lazy day at home)

Contagion-

A decent movie with an utterlyterrifying premise. Kate Winslett dying early on doesn’t win it anypoints. Ultimately, it doesn’t really do anything different thanseveral other movies with the same concept. One funny note… I’venever witnessed more obsessive hand-washing than I did in the men’srestroom after seeing this movie. I mean, dudes were going to town.

Horrible Bosses / Our IdiotBrother

Movies featuring guys I find funny andfor the most part are funny, but definitely aren’t ground breakingat all. Horrible Bosses would have been way better had it gone muchfurther with the bad behavior of the bosses. I kind of feel like theydid it with the Kevin Spacey character, but the other two were badbut didn’t really warrant the crazy level of hatred. They weredefinitely bad, manipulative people, but MURDER material? I’m notsure. Our Idiot Brother was largely predictable, but had some funnyscenes. Especially the ones featuring the hippie boyfriend of PaulRudd’s ex. That dude brought this one up at least a category.

Thor / X-Men First Class

The mediocre super-hero movies of thisyear’s batch. They both had cool things (most of the Thor/ Asgardstuff , and Fassbender). They both also had some fairly glaring flaws(most of the Earth stuff in Thor, and the horrible, over-the-topacting of Kevin Bacon in X-Men). Origin stories are interestingsometimes, and sometimes they feel like setup. These two flicks woundup more on the “felt like setup” side. Thor was the mostobviously “engineered for The Avengers” of all of thepre-avengers movies. X-Men seemed to want to establish a new group ofactors to play younger versions of these characters, becausepresumably Famke Janssen, Hugh Jackman, James Marsden are all toofucking old at this point, or have realized they have better thingsto do. If that’s the case with X-Men, I give it a pass, because Ilike the new cast. Unfortunately, I fear that Jennifer Lawrence mayhave something better to do now (what with being the lead in TheHunger Games and all).

30 Minutes or Less

Okay… I loved 50 percent of thismovie. The Jessie Eisenberg /Aziz Ansari portion of this moviecracked me up. I think Ansari is one of the funniest people workingtoday. He’s fucking hilarious right now. He’s got this deliverywhere he points out obvious things with incredulity that makes melaugh every time. Eisenberg’s character was also funny, and apretty interesting change from The Social Network. I mean… he wasequally unlikeable in his own way, but I enjoyed his performanceanyway.

And then we have Danny McBride and NickSwardson.

I’m sorry, but I have to say it…I’m tired of Danny McBride’s “Danny McBride” bit. I likeEastbound and Down well enough, but isn’t that character a littleoverdone at this point? Swardson too. You can’t really call it“acting” at this point, can you? It’s just this weird characterhe does where he’s full of crazy, perv bravado…. Oh… and he’san inept moron. When he did it in Tropic Thunder, it was fresh andhilarious. 3 years later, he needs to come up with a new bit, andI’ll be honest and say that he personally reduced the score andgrade of this movie.

The Hangover Part 2

I love the first movie. This was notmarkedly different in either way, except that now it’s not as freshor as interesting. Funny? Yes. Even remotely satisfying? No.

NetFlix at 3 AM (Youknow… that time of night where you’re just awake and you seesomething and are all “Why the hell not?”. I would watch these atwork rather than a rerun of American Pickers. Probably. These are notparticularly good movies.)

Tower Heist

I miss Eddie Murphy being funny likethis. His presence was literally the only interesting thing aboutthis movie (aside from a 30 second scene between him and the girlfrom Precious which was in the trailer). Other than this, there’sbarely anything to make me remember it at all. Eddie Murphy still hasit in him somewhere. That is all.

Immortals

Man… There were a lot of beheadingsin this movie.

Normally, I’d say this was a good thing, andit certainly wasn’t a BAD thing, but damn…This could have been atotally badass movie. It wasn’t. It was merely watchable. I wouldhave liked to see Peter Jackson make this exact movie with his ownscript and effects team. It could have been fucking awesome. Oh…and Mickey Rourke is almost certainly completely insane at thispoint. I’m pretty positive.

Watchable,Maybe Good, but Just the Once. (Can you say artsy fartsy?)… oh…in no particular order.

Drive
Okay, okay… Iknow like every art snob and his/her brother is totally having aboner about this movie, and it was… you know… kinda good. That’s…that’s about all I can say about it. Gosling was good, I suppose.Albert Brooks is apparently already clearing space on his mantle. Ithas Brian Cranston, who is awesome. It has Carey Mulligan, who isalso awesome. It has all the makings of an awesome movie, except forbeing an awesome movie. It was fine, but you know… I never have tosee it again.

Midnight in Paris

I’ve never been one to totally getWoody Allen. I mean… the dialogue or whatever, and you could arguethat Allen is the greatest Traveloguest of all time. He’s writtenmore love letters to New York than anyone, and now he’s on to theEuropean Capitals (First with Vickie Christina Barcelona). It’s anentertaining watch, but has far too many annoying characters for meto want to see it again. Poor Rachel McAdams, one of my all timefavorites, was made to be such a horrid shrew, I had to watch TheWedding Crashers to wash my brain of her performance. She was soone-dimensionally written that I wanted to stop watching. It’s notlike Owen Wilson’s lead character was much more likeable orsympathetic. He wasn’t. People have loved this movie. It’s one ofthe best rated Woody Allen movies in 30 years, and my thoughts? Meh.It’s pretty. It needed more Adrian Brody (and you know that’s nota good thing to think).

My Week with Marilyn
Asingle, amazing performance that saves this movie from being almostentirely unlikeable. Michelle Williams was worth seeing essentiallybecome Marilyn Monroe, but even with her crazy good portrayal, shedidn’t really succeed in making Marilyn a sympathetic character.Eddie Redmayne may have changed his name from Colin to “Gawker”and everyone would have gone along. I did like Judi Dench, but then…doesn’t that basically go without saying at this point? I’m gladI saw the movie for Williams’ performance, but now I have, and itcan go away.

The Ides of March
Morecompletely unlikeable people doing things I don’t care about. Regardless of what my occasional blog may indicate, I’m not allthat interested in politics. I’m also not a fan of stories aboutadultery and political intrigue. I saw this movie because it wasfilmed in Cincinnati, and I was curious to see the local things theyused. Of course, they edited locations strangely, and it distractedme. Clooney did a decent job, I assume, but it’s not my kind offlick. It also featured my least favorite of Ryan Gosling’s 3 rolesthis year, and the best performance I can recall of Evan Rachel Wood,not that that says much.

Should Have Waitedfor NetFlix (I would have preferred to be able to pause it to take abreak and evaluate the number of movies I see).

Something Borrowed

I remember finding this to be aperfectly fine RomCom. That’s about all. Hugely wasted talent withKrasinski (who basically picks one bad movie after another) andGinnifer Goodwin. The TM told me at the time that it’s a book in aseries of books, and that the 2^nd one features the utterlydetestable character played by Kate Hudson. For the life of me, Ican’t figure out how anyone could tolerate 5 more minutes of her.She’s one of the worst characters I can think of, and I saw RachelMcAdams in Midnight in Paris.

Water for Elephants

I read the book and really liked it. Ihave to admit that I hoped for more. It was a disappointment forreasons I can’t fully articulate, so I won’t. It just wasn’t afun watch. It also featured the worst single moment of viewing of theyear, when the elephant was beaten. Bad.

Killer Elite

If I told you that I saw an “intrigue”movie featuring Jason Statham, Robert DeNiro, and Clive Owen, youprobably would have been excited, right? Well… I sure as hell was.And then I saw it, and I thought… Huh… That was boring as allhell. I don’t care what happens with these people at all. And italso featured Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. A good actress who alsohappens to be a badass in action scenes, and also happens to be veryattractive…and she’s a total non factor.

Movies I wish Icould Forget (and possibly already have).

First the movies that I totallyforgot I saw until I started putting together this list:

SuckerPunch/ Hall Pass/ The Green Hornet-

I guess these movies happened. I recalla guy pooping in a golf bunker. I recall a girl dressing up like adoll. I recall an Asian man making coffee, and Christoph Waltz beinga bad guy. That’s about it.

I remember thinking at the timethat Sucker Punch could have been cool if it had made any logicalsense at all.

I remember thinking at the time thatThe Green Hornet would have been better had it featured bad language,nudity, and violence… Which is weird, because Seth Rogen wasrecently interviewed by Howard Stern, and he essentially admittedthat the movie sucked because it was PG13 and not R. I kind ofbelieve him. He’s for sure right about it sucking.

I THINK Hall Pass featuredthe pooping golfer. I cannot be sure.

The Rum Diary-

We’ve all seen this movie, back whenit was called Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I never have anyinterest in seeing Johnny Depp play a drunk ever again. (more on thatlater). This was a movie about drugs, sex, and Puerto Rico that alsohappened to be completely boring. Amber Heard is in this movie andit’s still completely boring. It’s just a boring fucking moviethat was unnecessary.

Just Go With It
Acompletely ridiculous movie whose end could have been predicted inthe first 2 minutes. Also, it’s one of those maddening movies whereif the main character had simply just told the truth in the first 5minutes of the misunderstanding, everything would have been fine.Instead they go through INSANE lengths to keep a lie going forabsolutely no reason.

Brooklyn Decker – “Why doyou have a wedding ring in your pocket? Are you married, youasshole?”
Adam Sandler – “No, I’m not married. Iwas engaged once, and she broke my heart. I carry this ring aroundwith me all the time. Sometimes, and I’m not proud of this, I showit to girls to get sympathy. Not my proudest moment, but at least Ididn’t do that with you, right?”
Brooklyn Decker –“Wow… that’s super sad and kinda pathetic. Whatever, I’m overit. Let’s bone again, and then why don’t you get rid of thatring... And then let’s get married.”

Adam Sandler – “Done”

Puss in Boots
Otherthan the fairly entertaining concept that while it’s ananthropomorphic cat, he still acts like a cat sometimes (blatantlystolen from Dug’s squirrel obsession in ‘Up’), not interesting.Not funny. Not engaging. Just a stupid movie that is nothing morethan a cash grab. And Humpty Dumpty was really weird.

Young Adult

I toyed with putting this in the lastcategory along with the other 3 worst movies I saw this year. I knowit’s a strange choice, because Charlize Theron is good. PattonOswalt is good. Patrick Wilson is good. All three of them are good.Jason Reitman is good (I think… though come to think of it, I alsodisliked the almost universally loved Juno). In any case, it’sdifficult for a hoard of good actors to make a really detestablefilm, but they somehow managed to do it, while still putting indecemt performances. Especially Oswalt, who kicks total ass. Forwhatever reason, though, I couldn’t wait for this movie to end. IHATED the main character. (Like… you’re supposed to think she’sa bad person. I just couldn’t stand her). I didn’t understand whyanyone tolerated her nonsense. I thought, for a brief moment at theend that the movie might be slightly redeemed. But no. I know that ispart of the supposed charm of it… that she’s so unapologeticallyawful. But I feel like for that to work really, the character has tohave some sort of likeable thing going on underneath where you don’tcompletely despise her. Fail. I don’t feel bad for her. I just hateher.

It’s the performance of Oswalt alone that prevents mefrom placing it in the last group…

TheMovies that Actively Made me Want to Fight Someone. They were justthat bad.

Twilight –
Okay,so my relationship with the Twilight movies and books is wellchronicled on this blog. I’ve compared it negatively to just abouteverything. Most recently to the far superior Hunger Games trilogy,that…so help me… better live up to my expectations in movie form.Anyway, there’s something truly detestable about these peopletaking an excruciatingly weird, awkward, gross book like “BreakingDawn” and dividing it into two equally excruciating, awkward,weird, gross movies. Like Puss in Boots, it’s a totally blantantcash grab, and it’s taking advantage of teens everywhere (and me,who will undoubtedly see the last one in the theater too). Thiswasn’t a good movie. It was downright dull. NOTHING happened. If aperson watched just this one movie, and didn’t understand the wholevampire/werewolf bit, they’d think it was some sort of elaborate“Sex=Pregnancy=Death” thing. Because that’s all that happened.They got married. Sexed it up (violently) for a bit, she getsimmediately knocked up, and then the fetus tries to eat her from theinside. Nice huh? Good teen fun. Fuck these movies where nothinghappens, and we’re expected to love it and salivate for more.There’s not even a satisfying Werewolf/vampire battle, or even oneof the godforsaken teen love triangles. The choices have all alreadybeen made. Even the horrid Rosalie character gets the shaft when allof the “depth” from books is totally erased and barely eluded to. Gross.

The Green Lantern-

Easily my biggest disappointment of theyear. I LOVE the Green Lantern story. Hal Jordan, test pilot, isbequeathed a magic ring that helps him guard the universe. His powersare only limited by his creativity and imagination (and the coloryellow, idiotically enough). So many places to go with it. So manyoptions. But no… It was just a bad, cheesy movie with laughablespecial effects and no imagination. Bad acting. Bad writing. Stupidvillain. (Paralax, what?!!). Ryan Reynolds personal gift is snark,and they took that all away. Blake Lively is… terrible. What can Isay? She’s the worst. It was tough to sit through. It was like theytook an awesome superhero idea and spent a shitload of money on it,and instead of giving it to capable people like Christopher Nolan orSam Mendes or Peter Jackson, they give it to a monkey with somecrayons. It was just awful. Totally upsetting. Totallyunoriginal.

I was especially disappointed with the lack ofimagination used for the powers. When given the choice of creatinganything with his mind, he made like… 14 guns, a car, and a wave.Seriously? That’s the best he could come up with? He’s the saviorof the galaxy? Bullshit.

And here itis folks… my WORST MOVIE OF 2011.

Piratesof the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
What total fuckingnonsense this movie was. You know why it was the worst movie of theyear? Because it was the biggest waste ever. First… I think it wasso bad that it has almost sullied how I feel about the first movie. Ibarely regard the 2^nd and 3^rd movies, sincethey were sort of obligatory sequels with good things and bad things,but mostly guilty of pushing a little too hard when the first one wasso effortless.

Well, this one pushed so hard it nearly tookthe good will the first one built up, and shoved it off a cliff. Thefirst movie is easily in my Top 10 movies of all time list. (I shoulddo that one soon. That’s so tough).

1-For the first time, Johnny Depplooked bored playing Jack Sparrow. I’m not saying he was steller in2 and 3, but he at least seemed to be having a good time.

2-The plot was crazy, and also reallyreally dumb.

3- Enormous wastes of Ian McShane as Blackbeardand Geoffrey Rush. I’m not saying that these guys deserve meatiermaterial, but seriously. McShane played the greatest anti-hero in thehistory of television. I think he can handle a little more substance.Geoffrey Rush has a fucking OSCAR. He already played Barbossa toperfection a few times. Why was this one so stale?

4- Thebiggest reason it’s the worst is because it took something soawesome, and with so much great background, had infinite time, money,and scope to really get it right, and failed miserably. It wasboring. It wasn’t funny. The action scenes were SOOO BAD. When youcompare the fights in this one with the sword fight between OrlandoBloom and Depp in Curse of the Black Pearl, you’ll see what I mean.There was no rhythm. There was no heart to any of it.

I thinkthis is ultimately my biggest pet peeve with big budget movies thatare highly anticipated. In that group, I’ll include movies like TheGreen Lantern, all of the Twilights, this most recent Pirates, andthe last Indiana Jones movie….

These movies are guaranteed to makea shitload of money. There’s no question that the 4^thIndiana Jones flick was going to crush it at the box office. So…with that in mind, and no real need to rush something out, why notcome up with something really fucking good. There’s no way thatGeorge Lucas and Spielberg thought that shit was any good. And ithurt the legacy. Same with Pirates here. You’re telling me thatthey couldn’t wait another 6 months to find the perfect script, andmaybe get a good fight director, and maybe get Johnny Depp in thegroove? I call BS. The thing is… they made a crapload of money, butthey seriously hurt the legacy of the movies. Maybe they just don’tsee it.

This is why I’m fine with Ghostbusters 3 neverseeing the light of day. If it’s not good, don’t push it.

Let’sleave it at that. I think a five thousand word blog is quite enough,thank you.

(Stay tuned for Part 2 later in theweek where I give out my Muchacho Awards. Yes, I’m really takingthis “Blog More” resolution seriously.)

Bad People

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Jack LaLanne is the only adult who could pull off the onesie. And perhaps because he'd kick all of our asses if we said otherwise.

I was working late one night (which is typical, since I workthe overnight shift), and a commercial came on TV for something called “TheForever Lazy”.

The “Forever Lazy” is one of the all-time dumbest products of all time. Ibelieve it's by the makers of the “Snuggie”, a product I originally openlymocked, but have come to love. The Snuggie is basically a blanket with sleeves,and at first I accused it of being some horrible product for lazy people, andsaid that nobody'd ever use them. I readily admit that I was wrong. The Snuggieis fucking awesome. It's warm, it's comfortable, and I can stay warm and drinkmy drink.

The Forever Lazy, on the other hand, ishorrible and embarrassing, and I stand by my opinion that it'll never catch on.

It's a an adult onesie.

That's right. It's baby pajamas (feeties included) made for adult people.Making it worse are 3 factors:

1) There is a hatch. For pooping.Unless you are in the fucking Alaskan wilderness, with hypothermia nipping atyour nethers, you DO NOT need a hatch in your one-piece pajamas. When you'resitting in your home, with a restroom mere steps away, there should be nocircumstance where you don't have enough time to unbutton and remove yourridiculous adult onesie. Maybe… MAYBE if you’re in the asylum and are afraid.Of what? I don’t know.

2) They have dropped all pretense and are completely owning the fact that it'sfor the laziest people on Earth, calling it THE FOREVER LAZY. Not The LazySunday. Not “Sometimes Lazy. It's the fucking FOREVER Lazy. So sad.

3) They make total fools of themselves by showing morons wearing their productout in public. I'm sorry... I can accept that people will occasionally give upat home; in private. I cannot accept that anyone other than the absolutebiggest social morons, or possibly the occasional unfunny, ironically dressedhipster would ever stoop to wearing the thing out in public. They pretend thata person would ever, EVER wear that shit at a TAILGATE. Are they joking?

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about the Forever Lazy. This isall just preface.

So, I'm sitting there at work, pondering the silly onesie thing, andthinking... Is this the most embarrassing product ever created?

Is this the one product the makers should be most ashamed of presenting to thepublic?

For a while, I was certain that it was.

Then, as I drove home this evening, I heard a radio commercial that guaranteedsomething else the title of “Worst Thing Ever Sold”.

AshleyMadison.com

I'm already dreading writing about this, and having foolafter repugnant fool end up at my blog after Googling “Ashley Madison”.

I don’t really know of a colorful way to describe this shit, so I’ll just tellyou.

AshleyMadison.com is a dating website, sort of like Match.com, but designedspecifically to help people cheat on their spouses.

I’m not kidding.

This is not one of those fake products on Saturday Night Live like Baby Spanx.

They’re also not hiding it in any way… You could argue that Match.com is loadedwith people with bad intentions. Match doesn’t exactly discourage that kind ofbehavior. I mean… that’s why some of the more expensive dating sites do backgroundchecks to verify people are single. The difference is, though… Match or OKCupidor whatever else… they may not stop married people from joining, but they aren’tactively inviting it.

It’d be like the US Government passing out heroin instead ofwelfare. Sure, they may accept that a small portion of the people gettingwelfare use it to buy drugs, but they aren’t openly endorsing the drug use.

Can you imagine coming up with this nonsense?

How repulsive of a human being does one have to be in order to not onlyjokingly invent that concept while getting drunk with their friends watchingMMA, but to then go so far as implementing the product? That’s a rhetoricalquestion. The only possible answer is “Pretty fucking repulsive”.

For some reason, the existence of this product makes mesadder and more scared for the human race than just about anything else. Thereare a lot of details of it that I don’t know, because I wouldn’t even comeclose to daring to visit the website, even just to investigate (and restassured, I’m dumb enough to click just about anything… (See: Two Girls One Cup,and any e-mail touting the “Worst Thing You’ll Ever See”.) I click all mannerof nonsense out of morbid curiosity… So, maybe because of my ignorance of theins and outs (no pun intended…probably) of the product, I have some thoughts –slash-questions.

1) Who is this Ashley Madison person that the site is named after? Is she thebiggest skank in the history of the world simply because she’s the inspirationfor “the cheating site”? My god… What if she’s the name of the wife of thefounder? How terrible is that?

2) I only know it exists at all because I’ve heard the adson the radio. How hard-up for money does a radio station have to be in order toallow this horrible company to advertise on your radio show?

3) I am vaguely aware of a story about how they offered topay 10 million dollars to the city of Phoenix to rename their airport.Thankfully, the city declined.

4) The slogan on the most recent commercial was “Show me abeautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of being married to her.”I’m not making that up.

I’m fairly certain that this is the worst thing ever. I don’t understand how itcan even exist. Look… I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware that people cheat, and I’malso aware that there is often more to the story. Nothing is totally a blackand white issue.

Still… I think there’s a big difference between acknowledging that cheating issomething that happens, and being all.. “God damn… I’m bored tonight. You knowwhat would be an awesome? Cheating on my spouse. I wish there was a websiteservice to facilitate this illicit transaction. What?! There is?!!”

Whatever happened to staying late at the office in the city, and hooking upwith the bohemian heroin addict who then takes you to a poetry reading? If it’sgood enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for all the other dirtbags.

Maybe that’s what offends me the most (probably not )… Doesn’t this just strikeyou as being fucking lazy? Like… If I’m going to do something bad, no matterwhat it is, I don’t want to cheapen the bad act by making it super convenientonline. There should be some sort of effort involved.

Yeah… that’s definitely not what offends me most.

NBC refused to let them advertise during the Super Bowl, which prompted thepresident of the company to call NBC hypocrites for disallowing the adulteryads, but allowing ads for beer. (since beer kills people). Maybe I’m beingobtuse (I was just recently told I was being obtuse about something, and itmade me feel like the warden in Shawshank)… Anyway, maybe I’m being obtuse, butdon’t cuckolded spouses kill people too.

[ PS: People who found their way here by Googling “AshleyMadison.com”. Go away,please. But thank you for reading!]

I’m getting annoyed, so I’m gonna change the subject withsome miscellaneous updates…

Resolution Updates:
- The first blog of the new year went up last Monday, and here’s the 2^nd.So far, I’m right on schedule, even if I’m not exactly re-inventing the wheel.I’m hoping to finish my Movies of 2011 Blog for next week. I likely will haveseen all of the 2011 Releases that I plan on seeing by then.

- The woodworking is slow-going. I’ve spent the weekpracticing dovetail joints and looking through books and magazines trying tofind a suitably interesting, but not too intimidating project for February. I’mleaning toward a Zig-Zag chair. In any case, making a dovetail joint is aboutas hard as you’d imagine, and it doesn’t make me feel better when I watchYouTube videos of experts making flawless dovetail joints in three and a halfminutes. It’s quite infuriating, actually. So far I’ve broken my coping saw,and failed to make a single truly straight dovetail, but I AM improving… (andshopping for a new saw..). Tomorrow, I’m going to try using the dremel to seeif I can make that horizontal cut a little cleaner with that. In any case, Ifully expect to be ready to roll on real furniture/ projects by the start ofFebruary, which would put me squarely on schedule.

- I’m now operating at about 95% vegetarian, and (aside fromthe 1 steak dinner, and occasional non-fried seafood, I should be 100% by theend of the week. The meat products in the house are just about gone, and thatwas my last hold-out excuse. I have decided to forego the remaining bologna andjust suffer the waste. In the meantime,The TM and I have found a new restaurant called “Zoup!” which is basically aPanera type place, but instead of 40 sandwiches and 4 soups, they have 4sandwiches and 40 soups. (exaggerations abound). It’s awesome, and when we wentthere were at least 6 vegetarian soup options, 2 sandwiches, and severalsalads. She also has been perfecting her vegetarian enchiladas. Effingdelicious.

- Household Chores? As of writing this portion of the blog(Friday night), none so far, unless you count meeting with the contractor. I’d like to carve out the 45 minutes it’sgonna take me to bust up the old box-spring. I’m debating keeping the wood forburning. Sadly the trash people won’t take it in whole form, because they areafraid of bedbugs. I can’t say as I blame them. So, I’ll take to that bitchlike Tom Robinson took to bustin’ up that chiffarobe…. Poor Mayella and herforbidden love… Sigh.

- Workout. No progress yet. I’ve spent a fair amount of timeonline shopping for a good rowing machine, but unless I come into someunexpected money, it’s looking like I’ll need to find an alternate for the nearfuture. In any case, the Tofu Muchacha has, in her wisdom, suggested phasing inmy resolutions gradually. I’d like to be up and running (so to speak) with allof them by the end of February, but I’m not gonna feel bad about myself for notdoing getting all of them started until then.

Nobody Knows.

2012-01-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

A Browns fan's reaction to knowing they could have had Champ Bailey instead of Tim Couch.

The NFL is chock full of morons.

Idon't mean the players. In fact, I've said before that I'm fairlycertain that NFL players are at the worst the 2^nd smartestathletes of the big four sports.

No no... I'm talking about the fools incharge.

See, there's this thing that's beenbothering me about the NFL for a while now. This philosophy fordrafting that seems to be pervading the collective consciousness ofevery dumbass football executive and has been for the past 13 years.It goes like this:

If there's a top-line quarterbackavailable, you HAVE to take him.

You know what I think? Totalbullshit.

The reason I'm thinking about thistoday is because I'm really fucking tired of hearing about AndrewLuck.

“Will the Colts take Luck?”
“Should theytrade Manning to make room?”
“If the Rams get the first pick,should they dumb Sam Bradford?”
“Should a team trade theirwhole draft to get him?”

It's so fucking tiring. And youknow what? The answer to all of those questions is emphatically NO.

NO the Colts shouldn't take Luck or trade Manning to makeroom. No the Rams shouldn't dump Bradford for him. No, a teamshouldn't trade their whole draft. That would be dumb.

Thisnotion of taking a quarterback at all costs is relatively new, and itspawned from a draft that proves how dumb the whole thingis.

Remember back in 1998 when the great Peyton Manningentered the draft, and the whole world was going nuts about him justlike they are now about Andrew Luck? You do? Because I don't. Iremember there being big long debates about whether Manning was eventhe best quarterback. There was a guy named Ryan Leaf who was alsoconsidered number one material, and there were plenty of “experts”who thought the Colts made the wrong choice.

Ryan Leaf was taken 2^nd bythe Chargers, and he was out of the league after 2001. That's 4seasons.

So yeah... the Colts guessed right, but nobody wouldhave faulted them for taking Leaf, and then the Chargers would havehad the Hall of Famer. My point is... despite what everyone says,nobody knows.

So anyway, after Manning turned out tobe awesome, or whatever, there has been a legitimate run on # 1quarterbacks, and despite the overwhelming evidence that they miss asoften as they hit, the fad doesn't seem to be slowing down.

Let's break it down...

In the 13years prior to 1998 (The same number of drafts we've had since) therewere 4 quarterbacks taken number one.
Those were:
VinnieTestaverde, Troy Aikman, Jeff George, and Drew Bledsoe.

Youhave 1 true great (Aikman... I could even argue that he was a productof overwhelming offensive line power, much like his cohort EmmittSmith), 2 contributors who failed to live up to their full potential(Testaverde and Bledsoe) and a bust (George). So... I'll say we're at25% True Success, and another 50% with guys who had good (sometimesgreat) individual seasons, but ultimately underachieved, and 25%busts. The Legends and the Busts are tied.

In the years after Manning's draft,there were 10 Quarterbacks taken #1. Out of 13.

Tim Couch, Michael Vick, DavidCarr, Carson Palmer, Eli Manning, Alex Smith, Jamarcus Russell,Matthew Stafford, Sam Bradford, and Cam Newton.

Of thoseguys? ONE Super Bowl appearance.

Let's call Couch, Carr, andRussell legit busts.

Let's call Palmer, Vick, and Smith“Disappointments”

Stafford is currently in my“Bledsoe/Testaverde” group. More about the nunbers at thispoint... I don't think it'll be a surprise for him to surpass them,though..

Manning is, in my estimation somewhere betweenBledsoe/Testaverde and Aikman. He might even be an over-achiever insome way.

So let's give them Manning and Stafford. We're at20% unquestionable success. That seems like a really poor rate forsomething you “just have to do” (according to McShay and Kiperand all those other experts who don't have a fucking clue.

Who are the three best quarterbacksin the NFL this year?

Tom Brady was a 6^th roundpick. I don't think we need to discuss Brady much. He's possibly thegreatest quarterback ever. He's got 3 Rings and 2 MVPs and he isfamously the 199^th pick in that draft. What quarterbackswere selected ahead of him? Chad Pennington (the only first round QBthat year), Giovanni Carmazzi (who?), Chris Redman (again.. who?),Tee Martin (won a National Title at Tennesse when precious PeytonManning couldn't... ha fucking ha), Spergon Wynn, and Marc Bulger (apro-bowler who went... 168). Did anyone have a clue in 2000?Nope.

Drew Brees was a 2^nd rounder and everyonekept comparing him to Doug Flutie simply because he's shorter than is“desirable”. Shit... he even backed up Flutie in San Diego beforehe finally broke though. That's a joke. Did anyone think that DrewBrees would have a FAR better career than Michael Vick? Nope. (Exceptfor me).

At least with Aaron Rodgers there was adebate between him and Alex Smith. Only this time, Ryan Leaf wastaken first, and the Niners had to wait another 6 years to competeagain.

Taking a quarterback first and missing will absolutelycripple a team.

I'm not going to keep ramblingon... I just wish that teams would really take a minute to evaluatetheir picks, and not just take the quarterback first. It's not a surething, no matter how “sure” all of those ridiculous expertsare.

Nobody knows. Andrew Luck could throw for 40 touchdownsnext year. He could throw for 25 inteceptions. Neither would shockme. Nobody fucking knows.

My favorite #1 pick of the past tenyears?

Mario Williams.

The Texans were absolutelyhammered for taking Mario Williams over “no doubters Reggie Bush,Vince Young, and Matt Leinart, but they took their hammering and havea game changing Defensive End who has made 3 pro-bowls. Greatdecision.

By the way... the best QB in thatdraft? Jay Cutler. The THIRD quarterback taken.

That New Year's Thing

2011-12-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

There are different schools of thoughton the New Years’ Resolution thing.

There are those who think New Years’Resolutions are bullshit. In a kneejerk situation, I’d say that Ifall into that camp, but it’s not true.

There are those wholike the idea of resolutions, make them, and then immediately fail tocomplete them. This… sadly… is more like me. I have a lot ofambitions come January 1^st, but my resolve isn’t asstrong as the resolution. (My favorite was my resolution to forcemyself to run a marathon BECAUSE I hated running. Good one,Muchacho!)

There are those who make the resolutions and evenkeep them. These are the Tofu Muchacha’s of the world. The peoplewith staggering discipline and resolve. I admire them.

Amongthe people who make resolutions, there are sub sets. Do you tellpeople, or do you not? Does telling people make it more likely tocomplete the resolution, or just more likely you’ll feel dumb formaking them and failing?

I guess we’ll find out together,because here are my five resolutions… for all the world (or my 3loyal readers) to see.

The TM and I have both made 5resolutions for 2012. I won’t spoil hers for you, but here aremine… In no particular order.

Resolution#1:
Post a new blog every Monday.

There was a time, a couple of yearsago, where I was blogging regularly 10-20 times a month. That waswhen I didn’t have a girlfriend, and had a regular job where Icould blog at work…. Er… I mean… think about my blog so that Iknew what I’d write after-hours. Nowadays, if I blog 3 times in amonth, that’s a lot. I’d like to think that the quality of theblogs I do post are better, overall, but I’m not even sure that’strue.

In any case, I really like to blog. I like writing, andI think that the “blog” is a totally unsung medium for creativewriting. It’s a very raw venue to write, and I like that sort ofunpolished quality about it. Even the better pieces of mine weren’tmeditated over for weeks, but rather hours. I like that sort ofimmediacy.

Anyway, I don’t have specifics forcontent, but I’d like for them to be enjoyable for everyone, soI’ll try to mix it up, and post different stuff, and mostimportantly focus on the writing itself, because I have to believethere’s a unique voice in there somewhere.

Resolution #2

Build 11 pieces offurniture.

That may sound like a very specificand incongruous number of furniture pieces, but my thinking on it isthat I’m not QUITE ready to start by January. You see… I juststarted becoming very interested in woodworking, and furnituremaking. The artistry of it appeals to me. The tactility of it. I lovethe smell of wood, the feel of the grain. It’s just a veryappealing outlet for me. So far, I’ve made a table. It’s cool,but it’s not the kind of woodwork that I’m really talking about.I’m looking to learn how to traditional joinery (dovetails, dowels,etc…) and to do it by hand. I want the pieces to be useful, butalso attractive.

Thanks to the generosity of mypeeps over the holiday season, I’ve managed to amass pretty muchall of the power tools and equipment I need to put together a solidwoodworking shop.

The goal is to spend the month of Januarypracticing some of the basic skills needed (joints, angles, routing)to hit the ground running for February. I’m extremely excited aboutthis one.

Resolution # 3

Do one “homeimprovement” task per week.

I’m notlooking to cop-out here by changing a light-bulb and calling it aweek. I’d like to get the yard into shape. I’d like to re-do thelight fixtures in the front of the house. I’ve got stair sanding,garage cleaning, house spraying. All kinds of things to do. I’ll bepartly relying on the TM to give me tasks, but I don’t see why Ican’t keep busy. I’m always looking to add to my personalskill-set, and I think this could also contribute to that.

Not very exciting, I know, but thosegutters ain’t gonna clean themselves, and maybe I’ll be able toblog about how I fell off the roof, or was attacked by birds orsomething. Filthy fucking birds.

Resolution # 4

Become a vegetarian*for a full year.

I told my buddy Alan about this onelast week, and when he asked me why, I honestly told him “I don’tknow”.

I’m still not totally sure. It’snot a health thing, I think. I find myself generally bored byvegetarian fare (with the exception of what the TM tends to make),and I’m interested in expanding my cultural and epicurean horizonsby exploring foods and recipes that can make being a vegetarianaccessible.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE meat. Bacon isdelicious. Pretty much any style of chili is great. I love it. But,meat doesn’t really agree with me all that well, and I can’t gothrough life eating things that make me feel sick just because Ithink they’re fucking delicious. That’s not a sane thing to do.I’m led to believe that being a vegetarian can be just assatisfying, and from a personal perspective, I find myself feelingmuch less like throwing up after a salad than a steak. So… I guessI figure, might as well give it a shot.

There are someadditional features of this vegetarian thing… that really make itnot entirely vegetarian.

1) I’m taking my mom to asteakhouse, and while I’m not sure I WILL get steak, I am reservingthe right to do so without feeling guilty that I’m breaking theVegetarian Code. I know I am, and I’m planning it ahead of time.From the start.

2) I am allowed one seafood item per week. Itcan be any sort of animal of the sea (other than lion or otter). Theonly qualifier is that it can’t be fried. Sushi? Yes. TraditionalFish and Chips? No. (additional note: this isn’t a fried foodthing. If I want a French fry, I’m allowed). The reason for the “Nofried fish” thing is that if I’m going outside of the vegetarianthing, I’m not going to undercut the potential protein and nutrientinfusion by muddying those waters with fried batter. Just feelsweird.

3) I am not cutting out eggs, cheese,or any other dairy. I’m also allowed to eat soups that utilizechicken or beef stocks. Again… I’m not against meat consumption.I’m just getting it out there from the beginning.

Resolution # 5
Getinto good enough shape and condition to run the Turkey Day 10K run onThanksgiving.

This is coming from the guy who plannedto run a marathon, while openly hating running. I still hate running.But the truth of the matter is… I want to challenge myself. Ialways like exercise when I have time to do it, and having a specificgoal will be helpful.

To this end, I am getting a personaltrainer to help whip me into shape, and provide me with a trainingplan. My ideal would be to work away from the running track/road foras long as possible. Strengthening my core, and my knees, enough sothat once I start working on the running (hopefully mid Summer?) thatmy knees and back can handle the pounding of the pavement. I’ve gotpretty shitty knees. They’ve been bad for a while, and I even wentto an orthopedist a couple of years ago who said that they’re badenough that I could elect to have surgery on them to scope them out.For me, it’s a matter of how much pain I am willing to accept, andstrengthening first is the best way to minimize the pain. My backhasn’t been right since I fell off that horse back at Blue Jacketin the Summer of 2001.

Anyway, this isn’t a weight-lossgoal, so I won’t be reporting on my weight or whatever. This is aconditioning goal.

So there they are… I invite any of you tocheck in with me as I go, though to help with resolution #1, I planto blog about a lot of these things. Expect photos of my furnitureand my house projects when applicable. Expect profanity laced rantsabout my trainer. Expect long, flowery stories about how much I missbacon.

Most of all, expect a shitload of bitching about allof it, because those who know me know that almost every unpleasantthing I voluntarily do is simply a way to have an excuse to complain.

I AM the Duke of Negativity, after all.

Let the resolving begin.

The Hunger Games:Let Them Have Stakes!

2011-12-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

(It’s been a while since I blogged, so cut me a break on the rambling if it’seven more pronounced than usual. )

Spoilers ahead.
I haven't been reading as much as I'd like. The Tofu Muchacha is the mostvoracious reader I have ever met, so my general lack of a "book inhand" is even more pronounced sometimes.

The thing is… I love to read. When I really get into a book,I plow through it, tackling every word, plot point, characterization. It reallymakes me completely useless for anything else until I’m done with it. Maybethat’s why I don’t read that often…

I become obsessive. I read spoilers and commentaries and reviews andspeculations. The month after I read Harry Potter 6, I spent more time onMugglenet than I did doing work. I read every single little essay andbreakdown. Who was ‘RAB’? Was Dumbledore really dead? All that stuff.

What I’m trying to say is that when I sink myself into a really good book, it’srarely just the book.

The Hunger Games trilogy has done this to me.

How did nobody tell me how awesome these books are?

The books are told from the perspective of a teen girl. Much like in Twilightor The Forest of Hands and Teeth (both discussed on this blog in the past, evenin relation to each other). The main characters in these books are similar, butnot the same. Bella Swan (Twilight) is this sort of gawky, completelyself-unaware moron who goes through life being oblivious to everyone around herfor no particular reason. Katniss Everdeen of the Hunger Games books is alsounaware of other people’s perception of her, for the most part, but as opposedto dumb-old Bella, she’s also capable, self-possessed, and independent. Infact, while Bella needs rescuing from… well… just about everything ever, Katniss is atotal, certifiable badass. She provides for her family, bravely volunteers toessentially sacrifice herself on behalf of her sister, and she more than holdsher own in not one, but two Hunger Games (not to mention the actual war zonesof the third book.). Despite her self-assessment that she’s selfish, sherepeatedly displays loyalty, morality, courage, and empathy. On the other hand,Bella’s full and complete motivation is some sickening, weirdo crush on Edwardthe Toothless, Shiny Vampire.

Like the other books, The Hunger Games also features a “lovetriangle”. Yes… it’s true. Apparentlythis is some sort of requirement for entry into the Young Adult genre, so justlike every “Young Adult” novel featuring a teen girl main character, there’snot just one guy vying for Katniss’ attention, but two. And just like every“Young Adult” novel, she’s at least somewhat oblivious to their attentionsuntil they’re literally licking her face and actively trying to die for her.And just like every “Young Adult” novel, a fair amount of internal monologuefrom the main character is devoted to her hashing out her feelings for hervarious suitors. The difference here isthat while in Twilight Bella’s love triangle poses no mystery whatsoever (shit…on the back of the first book, she talks about being “Irrevocably in love” withEdward), and Mary from The Forest of Hands and Teeth sort of realizes that herlove life is pretty inconsequential when the world is ending, I had a difficult time figuring out what wouldhappen with Katniss. And more importantly, there were many times over thecourse of the action where I was convinced she’d end up with neither of themand be happy with that, or that one of them would die, making her decision thatmuch easier. Nobody thinks Edward or Jacob will ever die. In fact, Jacob can’tdie, because he’s not a real character. He’s simply this sort of symbol of thelife Bella is leaving behind when she forces Edward to kill her in one of thegrossest scenes of devotion in any book ever.

Katniss has moments where she could go either way (orneither way), and even better is that the moments are earned in the text. Therereally aren’t any convenient misunderstandings. There aren’t dumb roadblocks.She simply has two perfectly good, though flawed, men whom she loves, and shehas a truly hard time deciding between them for legitimate reasons. Peeta isthe love for the future. Gale is the love for the now. Her world largely definesher choices. |

It makes sense that she’d pick Gale… He saved her family. He’s more like her.He’s got shared life experiences. He’s a survivor in the most traditionalsense, which makes him the perfect choice for a world where there’s no order.Where survival is necessary.

Then there’s Peeta. He saved her life numerous times. He sacrificed his leg,his sanity, everything to keep her safe. And ultimately, she ends up with him,not because of any of these things, but because he’s a beacon of light andpositivity that balances out her nightmares. He’s the perfect choice for aworld recovering from Chaos. It’s a decision that makes sense.

Suzanne Collins refused to create a choice withoutconsequence. She created stakes to her choice, and by keeping both men alive,and largely whole she refused to give Katniss an easy choice either way. It’seasily the most tolerable teen love triangle I can recall. (Not that I likedthe constant internal tug-o-war between the two. I could see and understand thedilemma from the start, and the perpetual back and forth was sort of beating adead horse really.

But really, it’s the consequence that makes the story good. You get the feelingthat if Katniss had chosen Gale, that Peeta would not have been okay. That hewould have faded somehow, like Haymitch. Gale is a little stronger, but hemakes it clear to Katniss that he can’t be there and watch her with Peeta. Sheknows she’ll lose one by chosing the other.

The Stakes Get Higher, or… you know… exist.

My biggest complaint about Twilight is that nothing happens,and when it does, it’ isn’t drastic or even.. like… “on screen” (so to speak). Nobodyof import is ever really harmed, and because it’s established early on that anydanger is by choice, there are no real stakes to anything they do. There aren’treally even any true antagonists. The wolves, sort of, but since Jacob is one,and they’d never really kill off any of them, they’re ultimately harmless. (Notto mention that the author sets up their whole mythology to be “protectors”).The Vulturi are certainly not nice, but that’s sort of like saying that thecops and judges in a judicial system are the judges. They may be dicks, butthey’re just enforcing the established rules. It’s so fucking boring. There arehundreds of pages of speculation and conversations about what MIGHT happen, andthen the climax is a 3 page sequence that ends in the bad guys just sort ofgoing away after being convinced Renesme isn’t the droid they’re looking for orsome shit.

It’s what makes The Forest of Hands and Teeth so good.Everyone can die. Most folks do die. The Zombies are a real danger. The peopleare forced into danger. It’s scary as hell. It’s a great series of books.

The stakes in The Hunger Games?

Everyone could fucking die. And for the most part, they do. Off the top of myhead, here’s a short list of the important, and beloved characters who bite itin The Hunger Games:

Prim
Finnick
Peeta’s parents
Boggs
Darius
Lavinia
Cinna
Rue
Thresh
Mags
Wiress
Madge
Cato
Foxface
President Snow
President Coin
and about a million others.

There are fire bombs, horrible mutant killing machines, deadly waves, deadlyearthquakes, beheadings, eviscerations, suicides, electrocutions, and dozens ofother ways to die, kill, or both.

Collins establishes in the first 5 pages that these people live in a scary,dangerous, unfair world, and she sticks to her guns the whole way through. Eventhe ending, while undeniably positive, isn’t without reservation. I think it’smy favorite thing about the books. The books end with Katniss being releasedfrom custody after assassinating the new president of Panem (after therevolution). She’s on the verge of insanity. She’s been attempting to killherself. She’s broken. Her mother isn’t by her side. Her sister is dead. Shehas no idea until later where Gale is. The world is broken. Even after she andPeeta finally sort of merge together for good, there’s a heavy heartedness toit. She ends the book wondering how she’ll explain The Hunger Games to herchildren, and how the world will be. It’s the ambiguity that draws me. After somany resolute moments throughout the book, I really loved how Katniss’ storyends on a positive, but certainly bittersweet note. She finds her true love forPeeta. They have children. They live in peace. Except in their memories thatstill haunt them. It’s really very sad, and very hopeful at the same time. That’snot an easy balance.

There’s an important theme in the 3^rd book. “Realor Not Real”, where Peeta, having been brainwashed, tries to make sense of thevery confusing feelings he has, as his deceptions and his true feelings mixedaround.

Really, all of the books play with this in an ever maturing way. I love how somuch of the books deal with perception and not necessarily reality. It’s not importantin the first book whether Peeta really loves Katniss, but it IS important tothe viewers. It’s not important in the second book if Katniss was really tryingto defy The Capitol with the berries, but President Snow knows that the peopleperceive it that way. The wedding doesn’t have to be real except to thosewatching it. In the final book, District 13 is viewed as a force for positivechange, so it doesn’t really matter if they’re just as manipulative andunscrupulous as those they’re overthrowing.

In the end, after all of the confusion, and tracker jacker inducedhallucinations, and lies, and amnesias, and everything else, the perceptionfinally dies away, and we’re left with the lovely ending where Katniss, finallyconfirms for Peeta the one important thing for him in the world.

“You love me. Real or not real?”

“Real”.

It’s really a beautiful way to end a surprisingly well written, and exceedinglyentertaining book series.

I have a friend who doesn’t finish books because she doesn’t want to let go ofthe characters or the world they live in. That’s how I felt about these books.

Read them. For real.

The Grey Days of Penn State; The Death of Honor

2011-11-10T02:15:00.002-05:00

If you asked me today to name the two men my grandfather revered more than any other, I may have been wrong, but I wouldn't have hesitated in answering. John Wooden and Joe Paterno.

I grew up rooting quietly for Penn State football as a sort of nod to the blood connection I have to central, small town Pennsylvania. My grandpa grew up in Wilkes Barre. My grandma in Mansfield. I remember so many Saturdays of my childhood sitting near my grandpa (Little Kings in hand), and hearing him talk in soft, awed tones about Joe Pa...

So it's in that context I've been following the horrible story at Penn State for the last few days with growing disgust and sadness.

There are certainly parts that are undeniable; beyond argument...

The abuse Jerry Sandusky subjected those boys to is terrible. It could be argued that it's the worst thing imaginable, and it is more than clear not enough was done to stop him from abusing others. Penn State Officials didn't do enough, and instead were worried about protecting the school's image.

Those three facts, to me, are black and white.
To me, though, maybe there's some grey as well.

Most people I've heard from would disagree. They'd say that the Mike McQueary should have physically stopped Sandusky mid-act when he witnessed it. They'd say that Joe Paterno, after being told of the incident by McQueary, didn't do enough by merely reporting the incident to Penn State officials, and should have followed up to make sure something was done.They'd say that Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State. They'd say that he's forever tarnished his legacy.

I am not, in any way, saying that the way things were handled were even remotely adequate. With all the outrage, I'm sure that's a difficult thing to do, but I wonder what was going through McQueary's and Paterno's minds at the time.. I don't blame people for not trying to see their perspective. So many of the facts are irrefutably horrible, that it's easy to say "they are all I need to know".

I hope my readers will give me some leeway to try to play devil's advocate for a few. I have to believe that most people are fundamentally good. I refuse to give Sandusky that benefit of the doubt, but I'm going to look at McQueary and Paterno for a minute...

Mike McQueary is a guy who grew up in State College, PA. He knew Jerry Sandusky his whole life. He knew him as the father of his classmates, as a walking legend on the football team he dreamed of playing for, as a mentor while he finally played at that college, as the founder of a charity benefiting poor children.

Try to imagine knowing someone your whole life, and not just knowing them, but deifying them. This is, as Michael Weinreb so interestingly said, a man they worshipped in stand-up form. Is it at all plausible, even if not right or okay, that factoring all these things in, maybe it wasn't as easy to step in as we'd all hope it would be? That a person might freeze, even for a minute, when faced with seeing a thing they'd never expected to see. I've heard dozens of people on the radio saying that they unequivocally would have stepped in right at that moment, and ushered the child to safety. That's great for them, and hopefully true, but I have a hard time listening to what other people would do in someone else's experience. I'm sure that, in hindsight, that McQueary wishes he'd done more, too. I just think it's too easy to say that McQueary should have had the presence of mind in that moment to set aside every bit of history and act as everybody else deems that he should have.

To be clear... I think he should have too, but I don't know that I make him a villain for hesitating. Or even retreating. He reported the incident, which I agree is the dirty bare minimum, but I do think it's better to do the right thing eventually as opposed to not at all.

I, personally, have seen kids getting spanked or slapped in grocery stores and parking lots, felt like it was excessive, and I've done nothing. I've been upset with myself afterward for doing nothing. I've regretted doing nothing. But I still did nothing.

I was talking to my buddy Alan this evening and his lovely girlfriend, Lesli, and she brought up this time when she saw her nephew walk into a fire and everyone froze for a minute. She said she even looked away, just as a gut reaction. She then used a phrase I've used before on this blog, and I think it really applies here.

'Cognitive Dissonance' is a discomfort felt when you hold two conflicting ideas simultaneously. The fight in your brain between what you expect to see, and what you really do see. Could McQueary's hesitation in that moment be attributed to cognitive dissonance? Could he have, in that moment, frozen while he simultaneously saw a devastatingly horrible act perpetrated by a man who he looked up to as a father figure and a legend?

Okay... That's enough about Mike McQueary. I've provided more of an argument on his behalf than he rightly deserves. In the end, the argument against him is too strong. A child can't defend themselves. McQueary was a big, healthy 28 year old man who could have stopped it. End of story.

Okay... deep breath.

I think the great Joe Paterno has some explaining to do. Do I think he deserved to be fired? Probably, in that the public as a whole, at least outside of State College, would never have let it pass...

When I started this blog earlier today, 12 hours ago or so, I was going to try to ease off the throttle against Paterno. I was truly going to say that those who say Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State, or that he's forever tarnished his legacy were not looking at the grey of the situation.

I was wrong. I was struggling with my own cognitive dissonance.

I have written 10 different excuses for Paterno tonight. I've deleted them all. I can't talk myself into any of them. There is no idolatry to fall back on. There is no reasonable excuse. I want, so badly, to preserve the honor of this man I've respected for literally my whole life. This man my grandfathered spoke of in reverent tones. I simply can't do it.

Joe Paterno sat in his seat of ultimate power, and he did the bare minimum under the law. For the life of me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because Jerry Sandusky was his lifelong friend. Maybe it's because he didn't want to believe such horrible things about someone he knew for so long. Maybe he truly did feel embarrassed that he was "fooled".

Fuck that.

Joe Paterno was God. There are many people who would call him the most famous and respected man in Pennsylvania. The men he reported the crimes to were his superiors in name only, and everybody knows that. Joe Paterno's subsequent inaction after his token report is, in my mind the second greatest sin of the whole sordid affair. Maybe it's my strong desire to give Joe Paterno a small window of absolution, but t I keep trying to come up with a reason he wasn't responsible, but I've failed. Joe Paterno failed those children. Joe Paterno failed every person who looked at him as a moral compass.

I started today hearing how Joe Paterno's legacy was tarnished forever, and I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. JoePa may be the greatest coach in any sport, ever, but he'll never again be the paragon of blue collar honor and virtue we all believed him to be.

I'm sad for the boys who were abused, and that the firing or legacy of a football coach is overshadowing their experience.

The death of the honor of Joe Paterno isn't the greatest tragedy of the Penn State story, but it is a tragedy.

Disney: A Recap (and some bitching, as always)

2011-10-25T01:02:00.004-04:00

Hey Everybody!

The TM and I returned from Disney a couple of weeks back and I think I've finally organized my thoughts enough to write coherently about the trip.

First a couple of general thoughts, and then my likes and dislikes.

Thought 1:
This may be surprising to my readers, but as great a time as I had this trip, I think I'm okay not going again for a couple of years. There are some things that occurred to me during the trip that make me feel like I've been going about it all wrong the last few visits, and maybe I burned myself out a bit.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I'm not a rookie. I'm not going for just a couple of days. I've seen everything several times. I know what I love, and what I can live without. And yet... I attack the visit like a rookie. Every time. I try to cram in everything. I try to plan every day and meal and whatever, and if I'm being honest with myself... I'm done with that.

I could go, literally, 20 more visits without riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and a) I know it'll be there on visit 21, and b) I know that every turn and twist will be the same as it has been for ever one of my previous 15 visits. That's the beauty of Disney World. The classics (for the most part) aren't going anywhere. They so rarely close major attractions. I mean... they don't need to. They usually would just expand. It's not without exception, but you know... even if they were to get rid of Big Thunder? I would be bummed I didn't ride it one last time, but not devastated.

There are a few rides I would be devastated about... Pirates. Haunted Mansion. Kilimanjaro Safari. Soarin. They aren't going anywhere.

My point is... Skipping a ride due to a long line, or to preserve my sanity? That's gotta be something I embrace from now on. Time to take a deep breath. Time to plan less, enjoy more, and not stress about fitting it all in. (That's what she said)

Thought 2:
I can barely tolerate crowds anymore. Like... at all. We chose the 2nd slowest time of year, and it was still really crowded when compared to a shopping mall or whatever. I need to find every way possible to eliminate the crowds from my experience. How do I do that?
a) Bring rain gear - One of the best times we had was after a torrential rain. We had the whole World Showcase to our selves (you know... relatively). Of course two hours after the rain, the crowd was back to normal.
b) Avoid the bus system whenever possible. I hate the buses. They are crowded, and well... crowded. They make me stressed out for like.. 2 hours prior to getting on them. Thats no good. This pretty much leaves us with 2 different hotel choices in the future. The Yacht Club and The Boardwalk. Sadly, these are also much more expensive, so the frequency of visits will need to be adjusted. These two resorts have alternate access to two of the four parks. This appeals to me. They also tend to have generally less crowded buses. And, especially with the Boardwalk, they have interesting things to do when you're not at the park.

Okay, so....

Things I liked:

- The new restaurant in Mexico was the best meal I had the whole time. It was awesome. I'd heard some mixed things about it, but I loved what I got, and the setting is great. It's the new "place to eat and watch Illuminations". Really good stuff.

- The Fantasyland Expansion plans. Seriously, that shit is going to be awesome.

- Best Kilimanjaro Safari experience (annoying people notwithstanding) I've had in ages. It was all about the giraffes this time around, and I really enjoyed it.

- Fucking DOLE WHIP. I mean... I'd always heard about Dole Whip being this thing you got in Adventureland, and I never thought about it much past that. Well... We tried it this time, and my god. It's seriously the best shit ever. I can't believe I waited so long.

- The Wishes Fireworks. I'm not a fireworks guy, but damn.... those are some good fireworks indeed. Very impressive.

- Port Orleans French Quarter. It's probably my favorite of all of the hotels I've stayed in Disney, and even though my comments about the buses are sincere, they shouldn't reflect poorly on this place. It's really nice.

- Finding Nemo the Musical. I know I've talked about it before at least a little, but that's a damned good show for a theme park. Great music. Excellent acting. It's all of the things missing from the poor Great Movie Ride.

- Tower of Terror. I've never been shy about how little I like roller coasters (very little), and the reason for this being the terrifying drops and plummets and whatnot. Well... Let's call this the exception to the rule. We rode it twice in a row, and I seriously laughed like a kook both times. It's so much damned fun. They do this thing where each ride is a little different, because its' on some computer randomizer thing. It's less like falling than like being a giant yo-yo. I love it.

- STAR TOURS. I admit I've never been a great fan of Star Tours, despite the theming. That has all changed since they refurbished it. The changes were inspired. There were all these rumors about it being converted into a pod racing simulator, which sounded cool, but I was also wary of, because pod racing only showed up in the terrible first chapter. Well... There are over FIFTY possible stories (including pod racing), and the story is random. in fact, you'd have to ride it for 6 straight hours to experience all of the stories. How cool is that?! Also, it's 3D now, and incredibly smooth. Darth Vader threw our vehicle with THE FORCE. Awesome.

-Taking Fisheye and Wide Angle photos of my favorite Disney things. The lead photo is a fisheye lens photo of Spaceship Earth. From immediately beneath it. Amazing. Here's a good one of Magic Kingdom:

There were, of course, more things that I liked and have liked for years, but for the sake of brevity, I'm keeping it at these NEW developments.

Things I didn't like so much...

- Most of the rest of the food. It's not that it's bad, but god damn is it overpriced. I wasn't even paying for most of it outside of the dining plan, but they make the mistake of showing us the bills even when we are paying with plan. The Dining Plan is definitely reasonable, and I have no complaints. We ended up using almost all of our snacks during the Food and Wine Festival, whcih was fun, but still... overall the quality of the food wasn't equivalent to the price. Not even close. We're talking about movie-theater popcorn level overpriced. It's hard to remember sometimes that in the end, you're dealing with family restaurants that are glossed up for the location. The food is generally boring.

- Again... the crowds. If I had to choose one specific target? Strollers, Scooters, and Wheelchairs. I would never begrudge someone who really needed one of these things, but FAR too many people were using their strollers are glorified shopping carts. Far too many people were using their scooters as battering rams. Far too many people just loved to stop in the middle of an already crowded walkway and block everything up with their damned strollers and carts and whatever. That shit makes me crazy. I am 100% convinced that I identified several people who were using the wheelchairs as an excuse to get their whole party to the front of lines. I get that you want to bring your little kids. I would never say that's wrong. Just have some fucking respect for others, please. In general, I find people rude. How difficult is it to walk around a poor guy taking one photo. Or, you know... wait for a few seconds. Apparently impossible.

You know... Those are really the two main problems I had this time.

The Flash Photography craze I noted last time seems to have ebbed, thankfully.

Disney seems to be on the right track with their updates. Even the tired-ass Swiss Family Treehouse is being refurbished. The Fantasyland expansion will be great. I'm really looking forward to the James Cameron assisted new land in Animal Kingdom (I think I may have to write a whole blog about that).

There's a million great things to come at my beloved Disney World. I just have to remember that I don't need to do everything every time. I had an amazing time, and I can't wait to go back... Whenever that might be.

2011-10-02T17:28:00.010-04:00

Happy Birthday, Walt Disney World.

Yesterday marked the 40^th Anniversary of the opening of Walt Disney World in Florida. If you’ve ever visited my blog, you’ll know that this is a big deal to me, and that Disney World is my favorite place on Earth.

To honor this milestone I present you with…

The Top 5 Things Disney World Needs to Do to Keep Moving Forward

Get Back to Basics.

One of the things that has drawn so many people into the Disney Experience over the years is the company’s legendary, outstanding customer service. Heck, I even invoked the Disney Service name when I interviewed for my first job in private aviation, when I knew nothing about planes.

The thing is… that level of service has slipped just a little over the past 10 years or so.

There was a time that nobody came close, and now… well.. they’re still the best, but the margin has slimmed. It’s not unusual to see a cast member texting, or complaining about how long their shift is. I shouldn’t say it’s a common occurrence, but not long ago there was no chance of that happening. It’s not just the cast members running the rides or selling the merchandise… One of my favorite rides for years was The Great Movie Ride at what used to be MGM Studios. The best part of it was that there were actors on the ride, interacting with you… These days the actors suck ass. That’s just an example.

Don’t get me wrong. Disney is still the best at what they do, and we’re talking just tiny tweaks. And even moreso, there are still many, many cast members who wanted to work for Disney for the very reasons I’ve mentioned… It’s why I would like to work for them. The majority of the cast members are top notch, and they love what they do. I just want Disney to make it a point to get back to being so much better than every other theme park when it comes to the customer experience, that the “Wizarding World of Harry Potter” would shut the hell up.

Expand Animal Kingdom.

I’m probably one of the most unabashed supporters of Disney’s Animal Kingdom Park, but even I admit that it’s not a full day experience like Magic Kingdom or Epcot, and it doesn’t have the big giant draws that Studios has. (With the exception of Expedition Everest, which is awesome.) There’s just not a lot to do. If you don’t want to get absolutely soaked, you need to skip one of the biggest rides, in Kali River Rapids. If you’re bored with watching animals in their natural environment, you’ll skip the Kilimanjaro Safari. If you aren’t interested in taking the full hour or so needed to go to Rafiki’s Planet Watch, you’ll skip that. Basically there are only a couple of big draws in the park, and I’d venture to say that only one of those actually entices people to go to AK. This has got to change.

Fortunately (I think), the company just announced a big expansion to the park based on the film “Avatar”, which.. while I initially was very disappointed in, but once I thought it through more, and realized that it’s more likely to be based on the world of Pandora from the film (and the upcoming 2 more films that take place elsewhere in that world), the more excited I am. This opens up a whole world of possibilities, even potentially re-starting the “Beastly Kingdom” expansion that has long been discussed. See? Disney’s listening to me already.

Spruce Up The World Showcase

The World Showcase at Epcot is one of my favorite things about Disney, and it’s clearly the Tofu Muchacha’s favorite out of anything. There are so many cool shops and attractions, and the architecture and theming is really cool. One of the things that impressed me the most about Disney as a 13 year old first timer was how all of the countries were populated entirely by people from their respective countries (i.e. The Germany Pavilion is entirely staffed by Germans).

So, what do I mean by “spruce up”? Well…

There are 2 things that need to be done, definitely.

First, there’s spot way out there by Germany and China that is simply called “The Outpost”. This very clearly has to be developed into another country. Some countries that never got through the planning stages are Israel, Russia, Venezuela, and the UAE. My personal vote would be something like Brazil… Something completely different than all of the other countries. As it is right now, there’s just this semi-offensive area that vaguely represents a white bread African hut with generic misters and whatnot. It’s just lazy. Get a country in there. There hasn’t been a new one since The Norway Pavilion was opened in 1988.

Second, Disney needs to go systematically through each pavilion and determine if there’s anything that can be added or improved to the existing country pavilions. For example, while many of the counties have either movies (China, Canada, France, Norway) or exhibits (China, Japan) or Rides (Norway, Mexico) or… national embarrassments (USA), there are several that don’t really feature any sort of attraction to speak of (Britain, Italy, Germany, Morocco).

Let’s talk briefly about the aforementioned “National Embarrassment”. Currently the largest pavilion and the gaudiest show in the park, if not at Disney World is The American Pavilion, and the attached show “The American Adventure”. Yes, it’s impressive. Yes, it’s sort of vaguely emotional. Still…. I think it’s inexcusable. It’s like throwing your own birthday party and then giving yourself a better gift than anyone else gave you. We should all be embarrassed. We should all skip “The American Adventure”. I mean… I think it’s more than anything a redundancy. We’re LIVING The “American Adventure” every fucking day. It’s like a vanity plate on a Hummer. (Says the guy with the vanity plate).

Figure out The Studios.

When I first visited Disney World in 1993, my favorite park was Disney’s MGM Studios. It had this magical Disney feel that combined the romanticism of movies just around the time I was first developing a love for movies and movie making. There was all of this “old Hollywood” charm that I probably enjoyed more than any 13 year old straight kid ever did. Oh, and the rides were all fresh and fun and new. As in…everything was at the most, four years old.

Now? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still many, many things I love about the place. I think the visuals of the place are absolutely incredible, even down to the fact that the original layout was a Hidden Mickey visible from space. They had Star Wars and Indiana Jones. They had the best shops in the whole of Walt Disney World (That’s actually probably still true.) It was really freaking awesome.

Sadly, as the emphasis of the part became more weighted toward the dual thrill rides of Rock’n’Roller Coaster and The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the rest of the part went neglected for a little too long. The Great Movie Ride, once one of my favorite things about Disney World (in fact you will have seen it appear very high on my “Favorite Things” lists leading up to two past Disney vacations) has not been updated for like… ever. The acting is bad. The movies featured aren’t that recent, or even that relatable at this point. There’s really not a lot of things to “do”, but rather a crapload of things to “see”. This is problematic, because it makes it difficult to navigate the whole park in a day. You can certainly experience the 5 (that’s right, only 5) rides and attractions:

The Great Movie Ride
Tower of Terror
Rock-n-Roller Coaster
Star Tours
Toy Story Mania

If you go in looking to only do those 5 things, and you get there early on an light day, you’re done by noon. The problem is… there are something like 19 shows. There’s no way you can ever see 19 shows in one day. Maybe not even two. There’s just so much waiting in lines, and then waiting in audiences. It’s just become this sort of boring park.

Wow… that was a lot of background for my point… sorry..

They’ve made strides, certainly. Star Tours has been re-done to with a new theme and new movie. Pixar has taken up residence, which is kind of awesome. The American Idol experience is a fun diversion (especially if you make it onto the “show”), though I can’t imagine much more shelf-life of it, especially after Idol finally takes it’s final bow. I believe there’s been talk of updating the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular (woefully outdated still featuring Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is the same thing it was when I was 13), to be a Pirates of the Caribbean Stunt Show. That would be awesome.

Seriously, though… come on, guys….update the Great Movie Ride. Add more rides to the Pixar area. Where’s that Monster’s Inc roller coaster? Maybe something new with the Muppets?

It’s getting almost to the point where the visit to The Studios is perfunctory, and not anticipated with the glee it once was.

Think “Long Term Legacy”.

Listen… I am a capitalist. I have never been offended by a company (whose goal is to make money) trying to make money. I believe that there’s no inherent higher call to be charitable or anything like that.

But what I don’t like, specifically with Walt Disney World, is when the company chooses to capitalize on short term, fad type things, and focus less on the long term things that will last a long time and will create that nostalgic feel that keeps people coming back year after year and generation after generation. This, again, is what separates Disney from their “competitors”. Disney creates stand-alone iconic rides like “It’s a Small World” and “The Haunted Mansion” and “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Rides that spawned films. The competition creates rides based on popular movies. The problem with that, is that those movies fade most of the time, and then you have this dated ride. Think “Twister” at Universal. That was a cool attraction, but I guarantee that most of the teens at Universal have never seen the movie.

My preference is to see less advantage taken of the “Princess” fad. Or the “Pirates” fad. I understand that the company wants to make the money when the money is there to be made, but I wish they’d sometimes do a little better to integrate theming and more lasting motifs into their money makers. I can think of two examples of where this sort of “brand marketing” failed, and crowds either complained long enough to change things, or that time is coming soon..

The Enchanted Tiki Room is one of the legendary attractions at Disney World. Walt himself famously talked to a mechanical parrot, teasing the attraction. About 15 years ago, they decided that the classic version of the ride wasn’t cutting it anymore, so they added the currently popular Iago from Aladdin and Zazu from The Lion King. Not to say that those weren’t both great movies. They are. Still… the show never had the same timeless resonance that it once did, so while the interest was briefly increased, ultimately it petered out.

The other example is the once great “Alien Encounter”. Now… I understand why they got rid of that attraction. Ultimately the Magic Kingdom is a park for kids more than anything, and that was a damned scary attraction. But it also was awesome. And unique. And not tied to anything in particular, so had it been in a different environment, it could have lasted as long as they wanted. So they replaced it, almost entirely with a watered down version featuring Stitch. I LOVE Stitch, but this is one of the dumbest things in the whole park. People hate it. Everyone hates it.

Damn, I’m rambling today.

So I guess my final point for this is that Disney knows how to make money. They know they can make money by constantly changing their target and going after whatever is the most popular thing at any given moment in time. They could also choose to seek out the possibly harder to find, but ultimately more valuable timeless classic. I just wish they’d quit so blatantly going after the first, and start going after the second again.

I know I sound like I’m complaining here. I mean… I feel that way. You have to know, though, that I struggled coming up with these 5 things. There are so many amazing things that I always talk about, I sometimes feel like it’s okay to talk about the ways they can still improve. Walt Disney himself famously said “Keep Moving Forward”.

Disney does it the best. They’ve got the best idea people, the best artists, the best everything, and that’s why I go back as often as the TM will allow me. All of the things I suggest are small in proportion to the magic the place makes every day.

Happy Birthday, Disney World. My favorite place.

Ramblings of the Night Shift

2011-09-23T14:50:00.002-04:00

Friends! I have returned.

I apologize for the long absence, but I’ve recently changed companies, and I’ve spent the past month training and preparing to be a full time “Third Shifter”.

You all may think I’m a little crazy, but it’s definitely a change for the better. I loved my old company in a lot of ways, but the time commitment was getting to be too much, and too much of a strain. This may be an overnight shift, but the time outside of work is so much less that I just had to take the opportunity.

Not to worry, though… You, my wonderful readers, have been in my thoughts. Now that I’m all adjusted and whatnot, I’ve thought of a new feature for the ol’ blog. I call it “Ramblings of the Night Shift”.

These will be my mostly unedited, free flowing thoughts that I have as I experience the permanent jet lag of working from 10pm to 8am for days at a time each week. Don’t expect the longer form type stuff I generally write, though those will hopefully come around as well. These will be shorter and probably incongruous. So… ENJOY!

Ramblings 1

What kind of moron does Jerome Simpson have to be? The guy FINALLY gets his chance to be a starter, and potentially a big-time producer for an NFL team. The guy has got to be making 500K a year if he’s making a fucking dollar, and he’s moonlighting as a fucking pot donkey. The guy had SIX POUNDS of pot in his condo. The Bengals have drafted some real idiots in the past, but if these things turn out to be true, he’s definitely the dumbest one. That’s right up there with Donald Little torturing his roommate with a hot coat hangar, or Art Long punching a horse… I’m troubled that the only really dumb crimes I can come up with were perpetrated by UC Basketball players…

I’m starting to worry about how I’m going to use the bathroom. Not like… in general, but at work. I’m the only person here, and part of my performance is charted by how many phone calls I miss during a shift. The phone isn’t going to ring off the hook or anything, but that makes missing a call even worse. I’m not totally sure I can go 10 hours while also eating my scheduled small and nutritious snacks (as advised by the TM) and my scheduled lunch. Plus I have to stay hydrated. I’m actually starting to have a little mini panic about it. I like going to the bathroom. I don’t like holding it.

The Charlie Sheen Roast is playing behind me in another department. Charlie Sheen is a total lunatic. Not in the funny way. I am glad the fervor faded at least a little since the total blow-up over the winter. What a mess that was. Anyway, I’m getting distracted… I don’t understand why the roasters always pick on each other more than they pick on the roastee. It seems kinda dumb. There was a pretty funny guy named Anthony Jeselnik. Nobody knows who the hell he is, but he was fucking hilarious. I will be looking up more of him. (Apparently he was named one of the top up and coming comics of 2009… like anyone keeps track of that bullshit).

I'm So Vain: A Poll

2011-08-20T23:09:00.006-04:00

Hey folks-

I got a new car, and I am getting vanity plates. I know... I know... Shhhhhhh

So, I'm putting it to you, my readers, to vote on the final decision:

I have to order them soon, so the results will be final as of the end of the business day on Friday.

Thanks in advance for voting!

The NCAA is Dumb

2011-08-17T16:15:00.005-04:00

I love this picture for so many reasons, but primarily because he's a Cardinals fan.

I know most people who read my blog don't care about sports. So... my apologies. I guess just check back in another two weeks and see if I've been irritated by something else.

Of course, soon enough, I'll be blogging more about my very fast approaching Disney trip, so you have that other thing nobody cares about to look forward to.

As I was driving home last evening from a rousing viewing of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, (a very bizarre movie about Computers and Wizards), I heard that the University of Miami (Florida) (Only people from Ohio feel the need to clarify) has been linked to "thousands" of NCAA Rules Violations stemming from their football players getting illegal benefits from some dude, who also happens to be in jail for being a part of a near-billion dollar ponzi scheme.

There's all this talk about how this will affect the College Football Landscape and what will be done to punish The U and whatnot, and the ridiculously drastic phrase "Death Penalty" was being bandied about like they're actually talking about something that matters. Las Vegas sports books have taken the first game of the season against "off the board" making it un-bettable.

What a bunch of mother fucking drama queens.

Here's what I don't get... Why in the world does it matter? Is it to impose some sort of relevance on the NCAA, a notoriously ridiculous and pointless organization? An organization whose sole purpose at this point is to hold hostage the keys to the imaginary chastity belts of any given players' standing as a "student athlete". Student athlete...a term so laughably antiquated that the NCAA itself seems to have difficulty defining it.

And what a bunch of mother fucking hypocrites.

According to the rules, a "student athlete" can't receive any sort of compensation or benefit that would entice them to come to a school, or once at the school, can't receive any sort of benefit beyond the benefits they receive as a scholarshipped athlete. This includes being provided hookers, cars, cash, tattoos in exchange for memorabilia, or really anything that can be construed as a benefit bestowed on them because of their status. There are even limits to the amount of money a "student athlete" can earn while working a non-sports related part time job.

This is dumb. Oh... and completely un-enforceable.

The popular radio duo on ESPN Radio, Mike and Mike, argued about the issue this morning. Mike Greenberg believes that regulating the payout of illegal benefits is completely impossible, as has been proven true by years of failure. His solution is to eliminate the rules against it. Mike Golic (a former Notre Dame and NFL player) believes that the rules are necessary, and likens it to the rules against performance enhancing drugs. Greenberg stated over and over again that these aren't the same, and while he had a difficult time correctly articulating why, I don't have that same problem.

The differences are simple:
1) You can't TEST for illegal money or abortions or boats or whatever. It's all sort of grey area. Well... not all of it, but short of having something in writing that says "I gave Cam Newton $X.XX dollars to play football at Auburn University", every circumstance is littered with grey. On the other hand, there are several ways to conclusively test for performance enhancing drugs. Nothing grey about that, aside from every single one of them claiming they thought they were taking B-12.

2) The money, or the sex parties, or the mall trips, or the tattoos don't affect the athlete's performance on the field, whereas the drugs, in fact, do. They're actually called "Performance Enhancing Drugs". This, to me, is the only distinction worth mentioning, even. Reggie Bush would have been the best football player on the field at USC had he received a beach house or not. Would Tony Mandarich have been the best college football player way back in 1991 if he hadn't loaded himself with more drugs than Pablo Escobar's entertainment hutch? The answer is muddier.

The NCAA spends thousands of man hours investigating how much Tyrelle Pryor benefitted from trading his bowl rings for tattoos (as if that bullshit made any difference to anything that happens EITHER in the classroom or on the field.

Somehow this is what the NCAA has become. This sort of fascist accountant.

So what do I think should be done?

1) Keep the drugs illegal. As I said, they're testable, and have been proven to enhance performance.

2) Make the NCAA focus on academic issues. Cheating on exams, not taking exams, not taking enough credits, having other students write papers.... All of the things that could potentially make an athlete ACADEMICALLY ineligible. These are legitimate issues and things that need to be handled by the NCAA (and the colleges themselves).

3) Let the kids take whatever money, handies, boats, cars, houses they are offered, and by whomever offers it. We live in a free market society. Let the kids operate as capitalists, and treat themselves as industries.

Whoa Muchacho... won't the rich get richer?

I don't think so. I mean... I have no proof of this, since I'm writing this whole blog from the hip, but here's what I think...

First, most of the colleges out there are "dirty" by today's standards to one degree or another, so the actual difference may not be as big as one might assume.

Second, there are still the academic requirements that have to be considered. Duke and Notre Dame still can't accept certain students simply because they can't get into the schools.

Third, there are still scholarship and roster limits. John Calipari could officially offer each of the 20 McDonalds All-Americans money to come to UK (as if he doesn't already), and that doesn't mean that they would all come, NOR SHOULD THEY. You go to a high-profile school to get playing time, and TV time, and get to "the league". A dude can't get to the league sitting on the bench, and if the team is stacked from top to bottom with stars, everyone gets slighted.

I actually believe the schools will monitor themselves a bit. You need role players. You need character guys. You need the unselfish point guards. Just because they CAN offer money to everyone, doesn't mean they WILL.

I think things may even level out more than we think. There are guys who may not rate a money offer from UK or UNC who would normally go there, but Pepperdine is offering 50K instead...

I was talking to my dad, the Beefy Padre, about this, and he thinks the real issue with creating a free-market approach to the whole business is that it opens up the sports world to a higher likelihood of gambling problems, or fixed games, or points shaving, or whatever.

I'm not convinced this would be a problem with my solution, because the motivating factor for most of these issues is the "forbidden money", so if the money can come from anywhere, and the players can legitimately receive money from other sources, the gambling element wouldn't have as much pull. Personally, I think it's probably a bigger risk as it is now.

The real solution is: Ban gambling on college events. Stop laughing.

Seriously, though... that's the solution. Of course the NCAA is pleased as punch to collect dollar after dollar on casino promotions, and gambling kick-backs, and all that nonsense. They'd NEVER give that up. Not to mention that gambling on college basketball and football is a HUGE moneymaker for the casinos.

Anyway, it all doesn't matter, because the NCAA will never fix the problem. Or admit that it really isn't a problem. Or admit that there are real problems they should be concentrating on...

Did you know that the NCAA regulates what kind of meals schools can provide their athletes? Breakfasts can consist of Bagels, fruit, and nuts. That sounds okay, right? Well... Cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly... Those are not included, so if a school gives the player a bagel, they better fucking make sure he eats that bitch dry, or they've committed a "minor rules violation."

That is not a joke. This is what the idiots are worried about. There's no hope for collegiate sports.

8 Lives too Many

2011-07-31T23:56:00.000-04:00

Oh... if we only knew then.

We have four cats.

Four.

I've mentioned them before. Little Walter (not so little. Fat, really), and Little Roy. Zoro and Sammy. They're a fun little furry bunch. They play, and eat, and fight, and snuggle with each other (and us when we're lucky). Oh... and they pee.

God damnit do they pee.

If you think this sounds ominous, like one of those blogs where the crazy person telegraphs the murder spree they're about to set forth upon... You may be right.

Let me state again, and for the record, that I love these cats. That love is tried every day by one cat in particular. Roy has decided to have separation anxiety like nobody's business. When the TM leaves the house? He pees. When she gets home after a long time away? He pees.

On the bed. On the couch. On the extension cords. On my socks. On the power strips. On the floor. On the mail. I'm certain there are more.

I live in fear that I'll sit in cat pee. Or that I'll go to open my mail, and it will be yellow and damp and stinking of ammonia. It's no way to live, I tells ya.

So, we've now become slaves to the cat. It's amazing. He's the smallest, shyest one, but we are fully wrapped around his left paw-paw.

It started small.

The TM bought us rubber sheets. She'll argue it wasn't as bad as all that, but yeah. Rubber. Sheets. Like we're fucking bed-wetters. This wasn't exactly a preemptive measure, we realized, but our understanding of the psychology of the cat was primitive at the time.

In conjunction to the shameful rubber sheets, we also started rewarding the cats with treats when they peed in the litter boxes in front of us. Just to be clear, we were now rewarding the cats for doing something even baby kittens figure out in about 6 seconds.

This worked for a little while. We call this period in our history "The Great Pee-ce". I realize this needs a little work, but we can't all have a "Black Death".

So this time of prosperity lasted for a long time. Well... you know...there was a weird time over the Winter when this strange cat was prowling around outside, and we had a couple of sporadic incidents, but still.... a relative peace.

Nearly a whole year. Unfortunately, about 3 months ago, the TM and I decided to re-do the floor of our bedroom, and things were... disrupted. Suddenly we started noticing a distinct "pee smell" on things like extension cords... Floors. And then again... the bed.

We started to realize that his pee habits were connected to the TM's comings and goings. The crazy ass cat has fucking separation anxiety. The TM started making a beeline to the litter boxes as soon as we'd get home and wait to reward him for "making the peepees". It's certainly not dignified.

Whenever he'd have an "accident" she'd blame herself for not paying closer attention to his signs. She was doing some research after a particularly nasty and wet week, and read all kinds of "solutions". The one she felt had the most credibility was this DVD called "Cat Sitter" where it shows hours worth of footage of various small wildlife doing their things... Rats, Hamsters, Butterflies, Parrots, etc... Apparently the trigger times for anxious cats are the 15 minutes before people leave and the 15 minutes after the get home (I have no idea how people know this).

So we head to the pet store and buy the cats a video. I was very sad for us that day. We tested it out in our living room and yes... the cats were HYPNOTIZED. They stood there pawing at my beautiful flat screen, and I started twitching. It was working, but I had this horrible vision of coming home to find my TV on the floor with cat scratch marks all across her screen...

The TM must have sensed my worry, so she suggested getting a little TV for the kitchen where the cats could paw with impunity. This was a pretty aggressive suggestion on the TMs part since she barely tolerates TV for humans. A TV just for cats is... like whoa.

So out we went. I was thinking we'd get some cheap little TV at a cheap little store, but no... The TM went all out and she bought a DVD/TV combo that is really the nicest kitchen TV a cat could have. Really more like a nice dorm TV.

Now we have a TV for our peeing cats. She turns on the TV before we leave, plays their little video, and sets the sleep timer... Crossing our fingers each and every time that the damned animals will be distracted just long enough to forget that we left.

And you know... it's working... mostly. We had a snag when we went to New York for 2 days a couple of week ago, and when we got home, there was like a pee explosion. On the table. On the floor. And most horrifically... our couch. The place where I sit most of the time at the house. It was like a punishment.

So... To Recap...

Rubber Sheets
Litter Box Treats
Routine Pee-Watching
VIDEOS
a TV

and still... there was pee.

We were at the pet store, loading up on pet odor remover, because that's what our life has become, and we come across this pheromone thing that plugs into the wall. It looked intriguing, because it claims to put out some sort of crazy hormones that tell the cats to calm the fuck down. So we bought that. And of course, if it works, we're tacitly agreeing to also buy the monthly refills.

An endless money pit, these cats.

And so far? It's working. I mean... we assume. Since this cat is smarter than us, we can only guess that the most recent remedy has made the difference, but for all I know the fucker is angling for me to buy him a car or something. Or have a daily fish delivery or whatever.

Can I get rid of him? No. He's the TWIN BROTHER of the sweetest, most well-behaved of the cats, and they are bonded so tightly we could never separate them.

The cat has us over a barrel. It's a pretty defeating feeling, I must admit.

How can you stay mad at this:He very likely is plotting where he'll pee next. Probably on this laptop.

You're Fucking Kidding, Right?

2011-07-19T21:33:00.006-04:00

Look. I'm not one to belabor a point. I'll wait til you stop laughing.

Many of you will remember my previous entries on the subject of political bumper stickers generally, and MY own political bumper sticker specifically. I believe that I have made my stance on "Anti" Obama stickers very clear. I also believe that I have made my stance on the harassment of someone solely based on their BUMPER STICKERS very clear. To summarize:
Anti-Obama Stickers = Pointless, sad, (and possibly racist) Sticker Harassment = Pointless, weird, creepy.
Okay... so now that we have that out of the way, let me just say.

You Obama-hating mother fuckers have gone too far.

I have been violated. I have been vandalized. I am really fucking mad.

This evening, the Tofu Muchacha and I went to a nice dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant, and then headed to the grocery store. Both of these took place in what is essentially our extended neighborhood. The place we call home. I mean... I already am feeling all jumbled up about my own home because of the terror of the cats, but that's for another blog altogether.

So anyway, we come out of the grocery store and the TM says "Obama's Gone!"

I wasn't sure what she meant at first, because it's not a thing you can just understand out of context, but then I looked at my car and noted that the notorious Obama/Biden sticker was GONE.

No more Obama Dog. That's what my friend Colette dubbed my car because of the 2 stickers. You can see the 2nd one still in the picture above. The Obama sticker stuck opposite the key hole from the dog sticker.

Now, if you've ever seen or touched a bumper sticker, you'll know that there's no fucking way that thing just fell off. Sticker properties notwithstanding, I've also checked on it relatively regularly ever since I started really thinking about how pissed people seem to get about it. Never once did it even demonstrate a loose corner.

That leads me to only one conclusion. Some mother fucker robbed it. Or at least peeled it off and discarded it.

This is not acceptable.

I'm sorry, but I don't care if my sticker was of a throbbing open sore. I don't care if it was a picture of a murder. Going up to a stranger's car and removing an item is nothing more than theft. This goes back to the whole "leave the stranger alone, because the stranger might be crazier than you" thing. What if I'd come out and seen this person violating my car, and I was all... "You know... I was planning on bludgeoning someone at the Walmart later, but whatever... they'll do."

Or maybe more realistically, what if I just called the cops. What you've done is illegal! You've vandalized my car. You've damaged my property.

You've also made whatever point you feel like you're making, but it has had the absolute opposite effect of your intent. While I'm unlikely to be swayed toward your ridiculous, close-minded, tea-party nonsense anyway, now I not only completely disagree with that self-same close-minded, ridiculous, tea-party nonsense, but... I also want to add "irrational and a whole lot creepy".

What the fuck is wrong with people?

I don't like Sarah Palin, but I don't go scrawling "idiot" on all the SARAH! stickers no matter how much I want to. I might call her an idioton my blog, but that's just a thing people say on their blogs. I have no real support for that (aside from the idiocy), but the point is... it's my blog. I can say that. I can say anything I want. But I can't say it ON someone elses' personal property.

Am I weird to feel like I want to go the opposite way now? I was totally down with just having my quiet little Obama sticker (a replacement has been ordered already, so SUCK IT!).

But now... I dunno. I think I want to really make a statement. Here are the stickers I'm considering:

See? Now those are making a statement. Funny as hell, and clearly taking a position. You can't come back from any of these. You are clearly who you are. All I had was a simple "OBAMA/BIDEN" sticker. Not now.

I'm taking suggestions. The best Liberal bumper sticker goes on my car. Right next to my replacement Obama /Biden sticker.

Lasers and the War of Northern Aggression

2011-06-30T07:41:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, the Tofu Muchacha had a "work thing" in Atlanta which ended on a Thursday. For whatever reason, we both concluded that this was a good opportunity for me to take a couple of days off and join her in the hot, muggy South for a few days of exploration.

I'd say that aside from likely permanant crippling at the hands of Raccoon Mountain, it was a delightful time full of beautiful scenery (you know all those signs as you're driving South on I-75 through Tennessee that say "See Rock City"? Well... you really should. It's pretty beautiful... in fact, oh... what the heck:
Cool, huh?

Anyway, we spent some time in Chattanooga, and then headed back South toward Atlanta with a slight veer to the East and stopped at Stone Mountain. It's hard to explain Stone Mountain, really...

On the one hand, it's this kind of amazing natural landmark. It's this giant-ass rock, really. Which doesn't sound all that interesting, but believe me.... Go stand next to an 850 foot rock some time, and tell me that shit doesn't blow your mind. It's FIVE MILES around. There's also this kind of incredible complex of trails and campgrounds and man-made lakes. There's the quarry where all of this awesome granite was... um... quarried for decades. It's really a beautiful place.

We get there, and we see also that you can ride this gondola up to the top of the giant rock (by "gondola" I mean this big almost train-car sized box that can accommodate probably close to 40 people at once.

So... We're riding the first car of the day up to the top, and over to the right side of the car (facing the mountain) is this HUGE relief sculpture carved into the side of the rock. I don't want to exaggerate this, but it's fucking big. And to myself I'm thinking "Weird... why do they have this sculpture of conquistadors carved into this mountain in Georgia."

My mental question was quickly answered, though, as the "Conductor" started his bit giving out info and trivial tidbits about things, and he says:

"Folks, if you'll look over, you'll get a great view of Civil War Heroes Robert E. Lee, Jefferson David, and Stonewall Jackson."

WHHHAAAAAA???

That's right. I unwittingly found myself at the fucking Confederate Mt. Rushmore. (Alternatively called "The Redneck Mt. Rushmore")
So yeah.. this is the view from the gondola, and there's the fucking "conquistators" who ended up being just this grand monument to racism and war.

Just fucking great.

So, you know... the rest of my day was sort of clouded by this odd realization that all of this money, and all of this energy was put toward the glorification of the wrong side of the Civil War. The place has a "Confederate Memorial Hall", for Dog's sake. Did you know this was the most visited single attraction in Georgia?

On the one hand, I get it.. you've got this incredible place that features views like this:

On the other hand, if you look closely at that picture, you'll see this long lawn area and a really beautiful old building there at the end of it? That's the fucking confederate hall. It's like they reel you in with this amazing place, and then they remind you how the whole thing is all about how bummed everyone is that there ain't no slaves no more.

The worst part... well... one of the worst parts is how popular the place seems to be among minorities. It was so eerie! One of the most racist, horrible places I've ever been was also one of the most diverse.

You'll ask me.. "How can it be all bad if there are so many minorities enjoying the place?"

I thought about this for a long time, and I think it's actually this that makes me feel like it's a totally irredeemable place. If they had just been all "Hell Yeah! Fuck you Yanks! Let's hear about the War of Northern Aggression!!! YEeeeeeeeee Hawww" well... I think this would have been better. Not good, certainly, but more honest at least.

Instead, we have this neutered little theme park with train rides and games and 4-D movies that all sort of pay only the tiniest bit of attention to the main point, and focuses instead on the glittery, shiny things all around the main point. They have this huge gravestone, essentially, even down to the granite relief carving, and it's honoring the men who are symbols for the last stand of the pro-slavery movement. The succession movement. These men aren't heroes. It's the same as honoring Mussolini or Franco after they'd been deposed. Didn't the Italian people drag Mussolini through the streets on a pig hook? They sure as hell didn't carve his face into the side of Mt. Vesuvius.

So it's this cute little friendly racism that is all "in the past", so now it's adorable instead of deplorable. It made me feel gross..

Of course, nothing made me feel more gross than the famous daily occurance...

The Mother Effing Laser Show.

That's right. At 9:30 every night these fools put on a laser lights show that talks all about Confederate history or whatever. Apparently I'm not the only person ever to think maybe the place lacks a little taste, because I've read that they added mention of Martin Luther King to bow to the rage of this small group of protesters.

I'm not a huge fan of laser shows or fireworks or whatever anyway, because I dislike crowds, but it would have barely mattered. We moseyed on down from our dinner (At the "Plantation" or something like that) about 90 minutes before the start of the lasers, and we saw this:

This was 90 minutes before the damned show. (Yes... they project the lasers right on The Redneck Rushmore itself).

We didn't stay for the lasers.

Look... I don't have anything else to say... Isn't it obvious anyway?

I'm sorry... am I wrong to be grossed out by this place? Am I wrong to wish they'd just left it this beautiful natural wonder and state park?

Next time: Indulging our Cats

A Triumphant Return!

2011-05-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Tofu Muchacha and I have made our Disney World reservations for our next visit. It's still a long way away.... 4 more months. So long that I'm almost embarrased to be as excited for it as I am. It would be like an 8 year old being excited for their wedding.

I've promised myself to be a little staid in regards to my Disney Trip blogs until the trip gets closer, but in honor of our wonderful, upcoming travels to The Happiest Place on Earth, I've decided to a list of my top 5 favorite restaurants at Disney World (a topic requested by The Tofu Muchacha, who is WAY more excited about the trip than she is letting on.)

So, here we go... Instead of ranking them, I'm going to give you my winner in each of five categories.

The Beefy Muchacho's Five Favorite Disney World Restaurants:

Favorite Resort Restaurant:

Boma at The Animal Kingdom Lodge. I first tried this place kind of on a whim when I was in Orlando for work, and I turned my 1 day work thing into a 4 day trip to Disney. I was by myself, and didn't have a time-table, so I drove my rental car over to the newly opened Animal Kingdom Lodge. After wandering around for a while, I made my way down the stairs where the two restaurants, Jiko and Boma are located. I looked at the prices at Jiko, and headed right in to Boma. Boma is an African-cuisine inspired buffet, and it is really freakin' incredible. The food quality is comparable to a high-end buffet you'd find at The Bellagio or The Wynn in Vegas, and the food itself is really unique and really delicious. In fact, I've requested 3 recipes at Disney World ever, and 2 of them came from Boma. This delicious soup called Mulligatawny (which isn't just a joke on The Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld), and this peanut butter rice dish. Crazy good. It's good enough that I plan on enticing The TM to get over her anti-Buffet sentiments (if only for a night) and try it out. I haven't been there in a couple of visits.

Favorite Restaurant Theming (non-chain)

Sci-Fi Dine-in at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Let be honest... the food at the Sci-Fi Dine-in is mediocre. The burgers are good, but not great. The fries are good, but not great. The seating is odd, and the wait-times are legendarily bad. BUT... that doesn't take away from one of the coolest restaurant themes anywhere. You walk through the doors, and you're transported back into the 1950s Drive-in Culture. Your dinner tables are all situated inside of 1950s era cars. All of the seats face the movie screen, and the screen shows a long and amusing loop of the old, terrible sci-fi movie trailers of the time. The seats aren't particularly comfortable, but man, is that place fun to sit in for an hour, of the hot air, and sipping on truly average milkshake. I can tell you that I've visited it several times over my visits and not once has it been for the food. But it IS worth a visit. By the way, I had to make this a "non-chain" category, because The Rainforest Cafe wins every day.

Favorite Restaurant View

The Coral Reef at Epcot. While not exactly a traditional view, the scenery here is so spectacular that I had to count this as the best restaurant view in all of Walt Disney World. It's fairly unexpected when you walk in, as it just seems like you're going into this luminescent cavern. Cool sounding enough, I know... but it doesn't prepare you for the actual vista Disney lays out before you... A giant wall of glass, and beyond it an amazing, enormous aquarium of fish and coral and turtles and all kinds of amazing sea creatures. The dining room is laid out like one of those old school cabana clubs, with the tables lined up in semi circles around a proscenium stage, only instead of a stage there's this amazing fish tank. Maybe I was spoiled since my first visit ever to the Coral Reef featured this awesome view:

Favorite Place to Crash Without Reservations**

The Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. Look... I've never made a secret about loving my Rainforest Cafe. It's a guilty pleasure, I know. But then, I think one of the things that has always made me go back is that while it's usually a total, freaky madhouse with hundreds of families all gorging themselves and lining up around the block to get a table, the Rainforest Cafe has this awesome bar under a giant mushroom (don't judge), and there are almost always seats to be had with no wait whatsoever. To give you an idea of how awesome that is... Disney lets you make dinner reservations 180 days in advance of your trip. I, being the totally insane lunatic I am, called on that exact date to make our reservations. This of course requires me to know exactly where we're going each day of the trip six months ahead of time, but there it is. So anyway, as I went through and made each of our reservations, I was able to get just about all of the ones I wanted, at the times I wanted. It was awesome. The ONLY restaurant that was fully booked up was the Rainforest Cafe at Downtown Disney. And yet, I did not fret. I knew I would be able to eat at my favorite chain restaurant of all time, thanks to that good old bar under that big-ass mushroom.

** The only caveat is that you really can't rely on this for more than 2 people, unless you're willing to sit apart.

Favorite Restaurant, Overall

This is a tough one. I have been so many times, and tried so many places. It's difficult to choose a single place that best sums up all of the things I look for in a Disney Restaurant. The food has to be good. The setting has to be unique. It has to evoke a memory or three that probably blurs my judgement a little.

All of the restaurants listed above could be contenders. Boma is an incredible place with incredible food, and I even have some great memories there. I've even requested recipies from there (and tried one, though it was difficult to follow). Sci-Fi is probably the most fun in terms of setting, but as I mentioned above, the food is just okay. Rainforest's food and theme are great, but I don't think I could really give the title to a chain, no matter how much I love it. The Coral Reef... probably has the best shot at the title... The food is great, the setting is beautiful, and maybe best of all, I spent my one and only visit there with my love, the amazing Tofu Muchacha. I can't deny that I'm tempted to call it the winner...

And maybe it's just that my all time favorite restaurant at Disney is the only one I can ever remember closing, but I may never have another Alfredo's. The now gone Italian place in Epcot that I spent some awesome times with Tofu Madrastra (Step mom), who may love Disney almost as much as me. It's a tough place to replace, and I don't know that a clear answer has shown itself yet.

So... I'm going to say that for now, my favorite is The San Angel Inn, located in the Mexico Pavilion at Epcot.

Kind of out of left field, right? Well...

Food: Outstanding. More authentic than almost any Mexican food that you'll find anywhere in America outside of the far South West, but not so authentic that you worry you're possibly eating roasted ant eggs or goat (though, goat is, admittedly, delicioso!).

Setting: Pretty much the most visually stunning of all the Epcot country pavilions, and the restaurant has the best seats for the view.

Memories: Well... It doesn't necessarily stand out more than The Coral Reef, but I gave it the victory in this category, because the TM and I love us some Mexican food. I have been thinking about writing reviews of local Mexican restaurants because we try so many.

Maybe my reasons are lame for this last one... I wonder if it's because in the end, I really am always holding out hope that the next visit to Disney will help me discover my new favorite place to replace good old Alfredo's.

Later this week (hopefully): The Best Unintentionally Scary Places at Disney World.

Legendary

2011-04-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

This blog is not about these guys.

I've had this topic rolling around in my head for a month and a half, so here we go.

I saw Rent at the University of Cincinnati's College Conservatory of Music. (That's CCM to you and me).

My love and personal feelings about Rent are well documented on this blog, and in previous incarnations, so I was predisposed to loving it. Or maybe I wasn't? I think I wanted to love it, but I think that actual love was much less a given.

I certainly did find it moving, and beautiful, and full of heart. I was definitely weeping like a fucking baby through most of Act 2. I really did love it. It was one of those experiences where I wanted to commiserate with anyone and everyone about every little detail, so I started checking out the reviews, and...many of them just merely liked it, (but with reservations). Some of them didn't like it. I couldn't believe it! They said things about how the show wasn't gritty enough, or raw enough, or real enough or something. Clearly I disagreed, but I also started wondering if maybe the reaction was inevitable. Perhaps CCM saddled itself with an impossible task.

I start to think about how Rent, for many people of my generation, exists in this sort of otherworldly level of reverence... It's the signature musical of my formative years. It's like West Side Story for people who were teens in the late 50s, or Hair for kids from the early 70s. There have been very few musicals in history that have held the same importance for the people who saw it as Rent did during it's Broadway run. Hell... The Office just used "Seasons of Love" in the most recent episode.

Rent captured a particular part of our culture unlike any other theatre piece in my lifetime. Some may have been "better", but none were more iconic. Rent combined many of the ideals of the mid-Nineties artist life, and the still very, very real plight of the AIDS epidemic (three of the main characters have it). It also had the added publicity and notoriety of the extremely sad, tragic death of writer and composer Jonathan Larson, who died the night before opening.

Oh... and it's also, more than anything, beautiful and visceral and memorable.

Okay, so it's great and all those things I've talked about, but why did CCM have no chance?

Because, I believe that some things are, for many people, untouchable. You can't remake The Godfather. When an actor plays Colonel Jessup in the stage version of A Few Good Men, they have to be compared with Nicholson. People could make amazing covers of Yesterday, but it will never be The Beatles. In each of these cases, the public knowledge and sentiment for the original makes it impossible to truly be measured independently.

Every musical theatre nerd has a copy of the original cast recording of Rent. Every single one. You ask most buffs to name the actors in that cast, and they come up with them in short order. Quicker than any other show of the time. It's like naming the 76 Cincinnati Reds for a baseball fan.

Every Tom Collins singing "I'll Cover You" will be compared to Jesse L. Martin. The little inflections of every Roger and Mimi will be compared (usually negatively) to Adam Pascal and Daphne Rubin Vega's rendition of "Light My Candle". Idina Menzel is the gold standard for "Over the Moon". That's just the way it is.

I think Mia Gentile, who played Maureen at CCM, is better than Idina Menzel. I'm not forgetting who Idina Menzel is. It doesn't make that original, Tony winning performance, any less iconic or spectacular. It certainly doesn't diminish her performance as Elphaba in Wicked. But yeah... i said it. Mia Gentile can sing the ever-loving shit out of that music, is exceptionally well trained, and just rocked it from moment one.

Max Chernin's performance during "I'll Cover You" made me cry like a little tiny baby. This doesn't make that one track on disc 2 of the original cast recording any less worn out. I've had to replace my copy of Rent two times. This is owed in no small part to Jesse L. Martin's heartbreaking performance. That said.. If I remove my sentiment, Max absolutely crushes his performance, and no amount of nostalgia for singing that song along wtih Jesse L will change that.

I'm not saying that this was a better production than the original Broadway... What I'm saying is that I don't think people have the ability to separate their very personal feelings for this particularly personal show that means so much to so many of them.

The thing is, though... as great as that original production was, I wonder if maybe people haven't... I dunno... Made it even better in their heads. Is it possible that what people consider grit is really just Daphne Rubin Vega not being that great a singer? (OH, NO I DIDN'T!!) Is it possible that Adam Pascal really does kind of sound a little wooden, if you're listening real hard? (OH, YES I DID!).

The thing is... it doesn't matter. The original cast of Rent is untouchable. It's impossible to separate the Legend from the Reality anymore. So... Basically, no matter the artistry of the CCM production (or any other), the people who choose to view any new production in the kaleidoscope of the original can never be good enough. To be honest... I've seen Rent three times in Cincinnati, and this was the first where I actually thought that even someday the specter of the original could potentially be pushed enough aside to view it independently. The two tour productions I'd seen before were both good, but not great. Not productions I'd wanna see again.

I'd have gone to see CCM's show over and over.

Can anyone think of other untouchable performances or productions? Does Gus Van Whatshisface's remake of Psycho make you angry?

PS: Apparently I've mentioned Rent so much I have a tag for it.

The Mysterious Case of the Little Green Flecks

2011-04-02T14:47:00.024-04:00

I'd planned on using Bugs Bunny as my lead image, but this was too effing adorable.

I made my triumphant return to my "Adventures in Baking" series last Sunday evening, and it certainly was an adventure.

First some background...

The Tofu Muchacha is currently in training for the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon on May 1st, and last Sunday I accompanied her on her 18 mile training run. By "Accompanied" I mean "drove to meet her every 6 miles to give her more water and moral support". It was fucking exhausting.

So once we got done, she went home and showered, and we ventured to breakfast, and planned the rest of our day. I'd had a sort of hankering for some baking lately, and we discussed any number of assorted things. I really wanted to make something that wasn't overly sweet, and maybe kind of spicy... but still a baked good.

The Muchacha suggested I bake cupcakes. For whatever reason I have this apathy for cupcakes. I just can't get into them. I know that they're simply small cakes, and there's really no other difference, but for some reason I just can't get behind them. I don't know why. In any case... At first, I sort of poo-pooed the cupcake idea.

And we went round and round about the different types of things I could bake. Ultimately, we settled on a spiced carrot cake. That had me at least marginally interested, because I'd never made carrot cake before, and I effing LOVE carrot cake.

I think the TM knows me pretty well, because she knew she had me hooked on the Carrot Cake plan, so she went ahead and suggested I make Carrot Cake CUPCAKES. And... I agreed. What else could I do? She's so purty and persuasive.

So off to the store I went, to pick up the necessities, and below I present my mis en place:

That's right. Actual carrots! Who knew? I don't know what I thought would be in there, but I admit that I was surprised I'd be shredding up real carrots. Some other notable things you may note: Crushed Pineapple! Cayenne Pepper (my own idea)! Chocolate Chips (also me). You can't really see it here, but there's also coconut that is to be folded into the cream cheese frosting. The pecans...well... also my idea, and you'll see about those. Oh... you'll also note... There's nothing green. This will become important.

I should tell you that the recipe called for nuts in the cake itself, and I'll just be honest with you... I don't like nuts that are baked into baked goods. that goes for cakes, brownies, cookies. Pretty much anything. You put a crunchy nut into a wet cake batter, and then you bake it, and that nut (while giving nice flavor) loses my favorite feature, the aforementioned crunchiness. So... out with the nuts. It called for a half-cup of them, and I put in a half cup of chocolate chips. That's what we, in the business, call "trading metal money for paper money".

I am pretty sure that whenever I bake, I make the TM totally insane. I tend to doubt myself, and start on a certain path and then it kind of feels wrong, so I then call on her guidance. After her 18 mile run (and no nap after), she wasn't in much of a mood to do much assisting, so there were... ehm.... errors along the way.

The first thing the recipe told me to do was to grease and flour the pan. The TM had shown me a good method of greasing the pan during another adventure, so that was no problem, but I had not a clue how much flour to use. I didn't even know that was done! I mean... I knew for things like rolling boards and whatnot, but for cupcake pans? Not a clue. Of course, this wouldn't have been an issue if I'd wanted to use those dumb paper things, but I hate those, so fuck that. Here's what the pan ended up looking like:

I bet you thought it'd be absolutely covered in flour, didn't you? Well... I went the other direction. More on that later too...

Most of the recipe was pretty standard. Mix the wet ingredients together:

Two Eggs, Two Cups of Sugar, One cup of oil, and two teaspoons of vanilla. I may or may not have accidentally spilled maybe an extra teaspoon of vanilla in there. I didn't take a picture of the mixed wet ingredients, because... it looked gross.

Two cups of flour, two teaspoons of baking soda** , some salt, some cinnamon, and some cayenne pepper. I know... maybe I go to the Cayenne well a little too often with my baking, but damnit.. I love a tiny amount of heat to go with the sweet. I've never had it fail me. In this case, I probably didn't even put enough in to be noticeable.

** The above photo shows the difference between a Tablespoon and a teaspoon. You know how some people need to hold up their thumb and index finger in the shape of an L to remember their left and right. I need to do something to keep these mother fuckers straight... Because... that's right... There was likely a Tablespoon of baking soda in the cake mix, not two teaspoons. Fortunately, I caught myself after the first Tablespoon, or it would have really been a mess. O would it? I honestly, don't know what baking soda does. So... after all that fun, I went ahead and mixed the wet and dry together, just like they say, and it came out looking pretty, pretty dry.

I hoped that the the raisins, chocolate chips, carrots, and pineapple would wetten (is that a word? Is it "whetten"?) the batter up a bit. So I shredded up the carrots... there's a picture, but I bet you all know what shredded carrots look like, and mixed it all up. The recipe called for me to drain the crushed pineapple before mixing it, but I'm really glad I reserved the juice (at the suggestion of the TM), because before I added that in, that shit was dry. Like... "There's no way this is a cake batter" dry. Like... dry enough for the TM to say "yeah... that's not right.". Fortunately, I did save the juice and it ended up looking okay:

Doesn't that look delicious? I filled the tins (a little unevenly, I admit), and set the oven for 350 degrees, and let them bake for 24 minutes while I made the frosting and special topping. Here's what it looked like in the pan:

The TM asks that you focus on the cupcakes and not the oven.

So while that was going, I started working on the icing. If I do say so myself, I make a mean icing, and I'm much more confident in that, than I am my actual batters... This one was easy. Two cups of powdered sugar, one package of cream cheese, 6 TABLEspoons of butter, some vanilla, and a cup of coconut.

Here's a completely self-explanatory picture.

I've been experimenting with candying nuts. It started back in January when the TM candied some pecans to put on this delicious salad we took to a dinner party. I have since made a couple of batches of candied almonds and a batch of candied pecans, using various mixes of sugar, salt, and spices. I wanted to add my own little twist to the cupcake recipe, so I decided to candy some pecans, chop them up, and sprinkle them on the top of the cupcakes (You know... to make them look pretty.) This is not in opposition to my previous comment on nuts, because while the baking process makes them lose their crunch, the candying process makes them crunchier. (and covered in sugar). This time, out of necessity, I used brown sugar:

It ended up getting hot much quicker than white sugar, and I almost burned the hell out of them, but they came out pretty much like usual. I didn't salt them, or add other spices, because I wanted to keep them simple. Let me just say... there's nothing like a sweet, sugary nut in your mouth.... uh... that came out wrong. The nuts cooled quickly on a sheet of Pam'ed aluminum foil, and then I chopped them up.

Round this same time, the cupcakes themselves were done, and I popped them out of the oven.

I may have over baked them juuuuust a little, but they definitely looked pretty. The part that spilled up over the edge was sweet and crunchy and pretty delicious. Of course, the part after I took the pan out of the oven was the worst part of all.. I had to wait for them to cool.

The TM will tell you that of all of my negative traits, my worst is impatience. I probably checked those damned muffins 40 times to see if they were cool enough. Once they were, I popped the fuckers out and let them finish cooling on the racks.

This is where that little bit about now knowing how much to flour I needed to put in the cupcake pan comes into play. All of those chocolate chips sank to the bottom of the cups and were a bitch to get out. I bet I lost about a quarter of the chocolate chips to the bottom of the pan. Clearly, I should have added more flour. They don't look real pretty around the edges, but how bout that color?

So down the home stretch, I slathered some frosting all over the top of each cupcake, and sprinkled some nuts on top of that, and they came out looking pretty delicious, in a rustic sort of way...

And yes... they really were delicious. I had a ton of batter left over, but didn't feel like going through the full process of baking, cooling, and frosting another dozen, so the TM poured the remainder into a cake pan, and made a one layer cake. I gave the same treatment to the top, and she took it to her show to feed the cast on Opening night.

Here's where it gets weird.

On Friday evening, she called me from the show and said " Everyone likes your cake, but we're dying to know... What are the little green flecks?"

And I sat there, and couldn't figure out what the hell she was talking about. I wracked my brain trying to think of something green that might have made its way into the batter, but there's nothing.

Despite the fact that I put nothing green into the batter, and nothing green into the frosting, there were green flecks all throughout the cake.

I never noticed them, personally, but the TM said she'd seen them in the cupcakes as well, and that they were there from the start... At least that should eliminate the possibility of some sort of aggressive mold. The only thing that we can think of is that there may have been some sort of chemical reaction with the pineapple, or maybe I didn't do a good enough job cutting the green ends off the carrots. I honestly can't figure it out... Do any of you, my loyal readers, have an idea of what it could be?

Some last thoughts on the Carrot Cake Cupcake Adventure...

1) I added cayenne, but I couldn't taste it. Maybe someone with a more developed palate than mine would be able to taste it. So I think I'll leave it out the next time. They came out pretty well.

2) The chocolate chips were good, but not great. I think I would use smaller ones next time.

3) I think I would use dried cranberries instead of raisins the next time. I liked the raisins, but I think the tart cranberries would be interesting with the uber-sweet frosting.

4) Speaking of the frosting... I used sweetened coconut. Was that wrong? Should I have used unsweetened?

Until next time, this has been The Beefy Muchacho's Adventures in Baking!

Where do you Start?

2011-03-27T22:50:00.004-04:00

It's 11 at night on a Sunday. I had one of those days today that makes me sentimental and reflective. I don't typically spend a lot of time on my blog discussing my personal life, so you know... read or skip, but you've been forewarn.

I often wonder where my life would have taken me with one different turn.

There are so many forks in the road that has been my life.

How about that decision I made, round about my junior year of high school, where I chose to follow the dream of being an actor and not a history teacher. The decision to not be a paleobotanist was sort of made for me by my extreme lack biology acumen. The decision to not be a baseball player was made even sooner by my aggressive lack of discipline.

The choice between actor and teacher was a tough one for me. More than most people know. I still love the idea of teaching. I mean... what other job can you have where you are so demonstrably smart? I love thinking I'm smart. I may, or may not be actually smart, but I sure love feeling like I am. History still holds a unique fascination for me. I had some extraordinary history teachers in high school. I've always thought there was something magical about finding some way to share these elegant facts in a way that draws in the otherwise apathetic.

Of course, it's a romantic notion. And god damn, I'm nothing if I'm not a romantic. Which leads me to my ultimate decision... What's more romantic than joining a profession of poets and performers and idealists and all of those things that 16 year olds think actors are?

So I put all my eggs in that basket. I spent the next year searching for a college program for theatre. I gave no thought at all to what would happen if I changed my mind. This is how I ended up at Wright State University. As a Musical Theatre major. Amazing the possibilities that were ahead of me.

So... There's the fork I think about all the time. The number one fork. And it has led to so many more forks...

What would my life look like had I not been cut from the Musical Theatre BFA program after my freshman year?

Would I live in Chicago or New York? Would I be married? Would I be broke? Would I love theatre or view it as a job? (See... that was always the thing I thought I'd never lose.)

Just the other night I was reminded of my thought process the Summer after I got cut. It was too late to get in to most colleges for the Fall term, so I considered delivering pizzas for a year while I tried again. I considered just moving to New York and trying my luck (at 19!! What a fucking joke. I could barely do my own laundry.) Dee Anne suggested I go talk to one of her long-ago mentors at Thomas More College, Dr. Ron Mielech. Doc (as I'd soon come to know him) offered me an immediate second chance. I wasn't ready to let go of my dream of being an actor, even though I'd been told that the dream was ready to let me go.

Suddenly I was enrolling and registering for classes at a college that I thought was an internet college or something. A thought based almost entirely on a really dumbass jingle on the radio, and no other information to go by.

I found myself thriving, and loving this small (decidedly NOT Internet) college in Northern Kentucky. Amazing what a string of decisions leads to.

Don't worry... even though I could break this down into hundreds of individual decisions of course, I won't. I could discuss the minute details of choice after choice. I have an absolutely stellar memory.

Oh god... This is getting weird. I'm not good at sharing like this. I tend to ramble...

The point is, I'm grateful. It's crazy... I finished a really miserable week at my job where I worked 12 hour days from a combination of sweat boxes and a hotel room. I missed the Muchacha something fierce. I missed our cats. I got home yesterday morning, and found my love of home renewed.

I mean, there's always room for improvement. I need to get a crown on one of my teeth this week. I could stand to lose a few pounds (as usual). Work is insanely stressful, and not that much fun. (Spoiler Alert: I decided not to be an actor). I could read more.

Today I spent a day with the beautiful Muchacha, doing all kinds of mundane things like hardware shopping, marathon training, and watching True Blood with a friend. I find myself happier than I've ever been.

I think about my life and I reverse-engineer the decisions that brought me here, and despite the pain and flux and confusion that many of those decisions caused in the short term, I have to say thanks to that 16 year old version of me for getting me to today somehow, because today? Fucking rocked.

National Blog Insensitivity

2011-03-18T00:01:00.001-04:00

The Tofu Muchacha mentioned to me the other day that there's some sort of movement for a "Blogger Day of Silence" all blogs on March 18th in an act of support for Japan.

How in the ever living hell does a "Blogger Day of Silence" solve anything? Who believes that the people of Japan give two shits about whether I talk about what Disney movies I've enjoyed lately, or what outfit The Tofu Muchacha wore today, or what Jordan Baker thought about the latest episode of Top Chef? You know who believes the people of Japan cares?

Bloggers.

Blogging is, inherently, a self-centered activity. Sure, there are some bloggers who have developed significant followings, but 99 out of 100 blogs out there started as a person talking to themselves. Only bloggers would believe that the populace of a country ravaged by natural disaster, (where people are DYING, and homes are destroyed, and oh... internet connections are being interrupted everywhere), would ever even know that a handful of self-important bloggers in the safe and warm confines of their respective homes DIDN'T blog. It's so fucking dumb.

I know, I know... It's a symbolic gesture. How bout this... if you feel that you need to make a gesture, how bout you donate to the relief funds? How about you use your blog for it's actual purpose, and write a post about how you've been affected by the circumstances you've observed in Japan.

Part of the beauty of a blog is that you can talk about whatever you want. Whatever you feel. On this blog I've talked about all kinds of nonsense just for the sake of talking about it. If I felt the need to make a blog related gesture on behalf of the millions of people who don't know I exist, I'd be more likely to go the cathartic route, and write something reflective about the tragedy.

Instead, I've felt the need to comment on the meaninglessness of a suggested gesture. And, you know, show the world (or my 11 readers) that I'm just an insensitive dick. Whatever.

You know... while I'm at it...

I've heard tell of bloggers talking about being actually offended that people on Twitter and Blogs had the unmitigated nerve to actually tweet and blog about.... NOT Japan. I know! How dare @redreporter talk about what happened with The Cincinnati Reds!?!?! How DARE Alan Sepinwall blog about TV on his TV blog?!!!?? The Nerve! The Gall!!

Listen... I understand feeling the need to all sit in a corner and cry when you can't do anything about something so horrible you can't really even comprehend the scope of it. I get it. 9/11 was like that too. Everyone just sat, transfixed, weeping and wringing their hands, and that made everyone feel so much better. But you know... it really didn't. What made people feel better? When football started back up again. And when Letterman made jokes on TV that weren't about terrorists and death.

The thing about people is... they get obsessive. We all have a need for diversion. Diversion doesn't mean we don't care. It just means we don't go crazy with grief and sadness.

And you know... if you don't want to be offended by the lack of FOCUS on TWITTER (the single least focused media outlet in the history of the world), maybe... I dunno... don't fucking go to mother fucking Twitter.

If I was all:

"I am so upset, and I really need to talk it out. I need to go somewhere where everyone is focused on talking about the exact same thing with the exact same amount of gravity I am."

You bet your ass I wouldn't go to Twitter.

All of that said...

The disaster in Japan is one of the saddest, scariest events of my lifetime. The magnitude and reach of the tragedy makes me breathe harder, and makes my hands shake whenever I see anything about it. My heart goes out to the people of Japan. I pledge to post this blog today in the hopes to let you know how trivial I acknowledge my blog to be, in comparison to just about everything. At this moment, especially when comparison to the suffering of the millions of people, this dumbass rambling should mean even less.

Make a real difference, instead of NOT blogging:
Click here to donate real money to the relief efforts.

The Sex-Crazed Mormon Basketball Star

2011-03-06T23:01:00.004-05:00

I promise not to use the phrases "tiger blood" or "duh, winning!" or "goddesses", Oh, and I promise doubly to not mention Charlie Sheen, or the drug of the same name.

I'm a big sports fan, and among my favorite sports, college basketball is near the top. Late last week, a really interesting situation arose at everyone's favorite Mormon University and their basketball team.

Brigham Young University's basketball team has been exceptionally good this season. Possibly the best they've ever been. They have a breakout star on the team, whose name is Jimmer. He's a scoring machine, and largely as a result of his dominance, BYU has shot up the national rankings.

Late last week, though, BYU kicked their 2nd best player, Brandon Davies, right the hell off the team. A move that significantly hinders their chances in the upcoming NCAA Tournament.

So, what did Davies do? He didn't assault a fellow student. He didn't cheat on an exam. He didn't get caught doing drugs. He didn't go to the Salt Lake City Zoo, murder a tiger, wear it's tiger pelt, and drink it's tiger blood (SHIT!!).

He had sex with his girlfriend. And then admitted to it.

Yup... That's all. Not to steal the comments of others, but all Davies did was exactly what I planned and hoped and plotted to do every minute of every second of college with any number of goddesses (DAMN!!) , except during the select few moments I succeeded.

Had there been a chance that this kind of thing could get me kicked out of school, or out of a play or whatever, I would have almost certainly risked it.

And here he owns up to his actions to his university, and they summarily remove him from his team, and threaten to remove him from the school.

The thing is... I think the school isn't wrong, exactly.

When a student goes to BYU, the rules are made crystal clear. You can not drink. You can not smoke. You can not consume drugs (including caffeine). You can not engage in pre-marital sex. Even with your serious girlfriend. These are known going in.

It's not like with me, at my job, when after 3 years of being paid a certain way, I was told that my whole pay structure was changing, and I could either accept it or find a new job. That's changing the rules after I'm waist deep in it.

Brandon Davies knew the rules before he decided to go to BYU. He knew them well enough that he told on himself after he broke the rules.

The rules are clear, the punishments are detailed beforehand. The school simply followed through with the ruling that they say was predetermined 100 years ago or whatever.

So, maybe the school wasn't wrong. Exactly. But I wonder if it's the right decision anyway.

I wonder if it's fair to the rest of the basketball team, and the dedicated fans who have longed for a successful team. I know in the military (at least in the movies), the actions of one soldier can result in the punishment of the whole unit. Is that legit? Wouldn't the argument be that poor Jimmer and the rest of team has had one goal for a whole season, which is, you know.. duh, winning, (FUCK!) and one horny player getting his rocks off with his girlfriend has potentially short circuited that goal.

I wonder if it's really fair to the student. Listen, I'm not saying that the oath they take is unimportant. I think it is important, but I also know how I was when I was 20. Promising not to have sex while I'm sitting in a sterile Dean's office signing an oath is a lot different than asking me to stand by that promise when I'm sitting on my couch watching some sexy movie with my sexy girlfriend. It's a lot to ask from a kid. Ask Charlie Sheen (CRAP!) how difficult self-restraint is. Maybe it is reasonable to ask, and maybe I'm cutting the kid too much slack, but what about the responsibility a school has to educate?

When I was a freshman, I was cut from a musical theater program for some reason or another, and was basically told that I needed to go to school somewhere else if I wanted to learn about what I cared about. I've always wondered if that was really serving the function of an institute of learning. If I was passionate, and willing to learn, and try to get better... how could they justify kicking me to the curb, even if I made mistakes.

Shouldn't the school give the kid a chance to correct himself? Isn't there a probation? Isn't there leniency to be had since he admitted it?

I dunno.. I see both sides, but I am also troubled by the situation on a human level. Logically, yes... Brandon Davies broke the rules that he knew were rules. He was basically punished exactly as expected. But damn... I feel for the poor horny kid who made a mistake that had it been any other kid at any other school, he would have simply exchanged high fives with his teammates.

I guess this is starting to head toward being more a "Are Mormons, or ANY religions for that matter, responsible to adjust their expectations to a more modern slant." Maybe it's not realistic anymore to expect a passionate celibacy.

But that's for another blog. That's what we call a teaser, because THAT'S how I roll.

Flabbergasted

2011-03-02T23:16:00.005-05:00

Okay, so back in January, I wrote this blog where I talk at length about the sad, sad people who have to have negative political bumper stickers.

I then received a lengthy, and virulent response (to which I responded.)

Little did I know that the depth of the bumper sticker insanity had barely been marked at all.

This afternoon, I was on my way to pick up the Tofu Muchacha from work, and I was driving through downtown Cincinnati. Cincinnati isn't known as being the most tolerant place on Earth. It's a city known recently for the racism of their sports team owners and race riots.

So anyway, I'm driving, and I stop downtown at a red light. A car pulls up next to me, and honks their horn. I look over, and the windows are tinted, so I can't see the driver. They honk again, and I roll down my window.

The next part is a little bit of a blur.

It happened in regular speed, but you know sometimes something is so surprising that your brain can't give it the proper context quickly enough?

So this dude is leaning over toward me (he's on my driver's side, but he's like.. leaning into his passenger's seat). And I expect him to say something like "Your back tire is low" or "Do you know which way is Plum Street?", but no...

"HEY! HOW'S OBAMA TREATING YOU????"

It takes me a second to even register what in the hell he's talking about, but I realize he's seen my "Obama/Biden" sticker on the back of my car.

So I sort of stammer for a second, (as an ode to Colin Firth's Oscar win), and then I say:

"UM... I.., uh... have no complaints?"

He cuts me off toward the end by shouting:

"JACKASSSSSS!!!"

And then he rolls up his window. I admit to flipping him the bird, but I don't even know if he saw me. It was a fucking drive-by heckling.

About a sticker on a stranger's car.

I mean... aren't there a lot of issues with this? Does anyone else think that this sort of stinks of a lack common sense? Would you randomly shout angry things at a person you've never met? What if I had a gun on my passenger seat, and I'd just been all "Okay.... That's one fewer bullet for the spree I was planning, but what the heck!"? Is that a risk someone should be willing to take to shout a couple of angry curses about the alleged political views of a person?

What if I was just borrowing my sister's car? What if I bought it used and just hadn't had time to cover that sticker with my "Buck Ofama" sticker? What if I sported the sticker ironically? (none of the above, by the way.. I really did vote for Obama, and I would again.)

Kind of difficult to have any sort of meaningful exchange with a person when they're shouting from a neighboring car.

My point is...

Who's he convincing, exactly?

Is being menacing (and barely articulate) supposed to talk some sense into me?

I dunno.... Just some thoughts.

I wish I could Cook like these Crazy-Ass People

2011-02-20T22:01:00.006-05:00

As I always seem to do when I can't figure out what to blog about, I'm going to blog about my favorite television shows...

This is the Top Chef Edition

I have never been an enormous fan of reality TV, but I've occasionally been sucked into a season or another of some show... I especially enjoy competitive reality shows.

I used to love American Idol, but Adam Lambert ruined it for me. I'm fairly certain that he can never be topped, so I just decided to stop watching.

Survivor was a staple for years, but it became too meta for me. When people are referencing the strategies of former competitors, and former competitors are referencing themselves because they've been brought back or whatever. It's just got too dumb.

I've started gravitating toward the competitive shows that don't rely on strategy... The ones that are taken one episode at a time. Basically, I don't care about personality for personality's sake. I like having people to root for, but I want them to win because they are good at something or another, not good at plotting and scheming.

So my current favorite reality show is Top Chef.

I fucking love Top Chef. It's the only reality show that's been a staple of my TV watching for the last few years. Top Chef combines a perfect combination of people who have a skill I wish I had time to develop, interesting challenges, and contestants with just enough arrogance that I find them entertaining.

The current season is "All Stars", and I think All Star seasons kick ass. There's no catch-up time to learn about the people, and in these kinds of shows, there's at least a small expectation of heightened quality... I mean the people all lasted long enough in their respective seasons to become "All Star" worthy. Richard Blais is among my 5 favorite reality show characters ever. He's super cocky, but also seems to have a bit of self awareness and the ability to be amused by things. He's got serious skills. If he doesn't win, I'm fairly certain the show is a sham. He should have won his first time around. (And yet, oddly, the winner of his season, Stephanie, was also pretty deserving. Hence, the beauty of Top Chef).

The original Top Chef is excellent indeed, but not by any means the only good version.

Top Chef Masters has the same qualities as the regular version, but is enhanced by the established success and virtuosity of the contestants. It's amazing to watch incredibly talented, successful people break the hell down under the pressure of television. There's a special thrill in watching these chefs, who are usually older and occasionally know each other from out in the real world (at least by reputation) throw down against each other in challenges similar to those many of them have judged as guest judges on Top Chef (regular edition). Also, as opposed to some Top Chef winners (Ilan Hall, Hosea Rosenberg) who not only seem just barely good enough to win, but dropped off the face of the Earth after, each and every contestant on Masters a legend. If I want to eat some Rick Bayless food, it's not a matter of figuring out where the hell Rick Bayless is, but deciding which of the Bayless restaurants to check out.

Oh.. and then there's the absolutely, utterly delightful Top Chef: Just Desserts.

It's un-fucking-believable. I admit that at least a portion of my enjoyment here has nothing to do with the actual challenges. As far as I'm concerned, there's a limit to exactly how interesting high end pastry can be. It's harder to imagine the flavors than it is with regular food. The most interesting desserts (in my opinion) are the baked goods that all of these pastry chefs look down upon (like cookies, cake, and pie).

But the crazy? The crazy is oh-so-delicious. The thing I learned about pastry chefs is that they are all either insane misogynists, insane bitches, insane mama's boys, or just insane. I don't know what it is, exactly, about pastry that turns people into raving, bitchy, horrid human beings who don't seem that they'd be able to function in society otherwise, but damn... they make good TV.

I can't really describe it all in words, so here...

Okay... So I realize you don't really get even the remotest taste of it... just the very beginning, and I have searched and searched for the rest to no avail, but I can tell you that it included him screaming the words 'I did it for my mommy!" and clutching the guest judge.

I think my favorite thing about this is that it happened in the 2nd episode... Not after weeks of pressure building up. This guy was insane going in. And not just kind of wacky, but rather absurdly, amazingly absolutely fucking insane.

That's good television.

So what's the difference between the insanity of this guy and some crazy person on Big Brother or Jersey Shore? (I assume... I watched one season of Big Brother, and one episode of Jersey Shore). The crazy people on those shows are cast because they're crazy people. The crazy people on Top Chef: Just Desserts are only crazy incidentally. They're actually really talented people, who were cast because they can make some damned good chocolates. The crazy is just a bonus.

So watch Top Chef. It's awesome.

Adventures in NetFlix

2011-02-05T23:24:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else think that Netflix online streaming is the greatest effing invention ever?

I love it for a couple of reasons...

I've discovered some really excellent TV series that I either never got a chance to see while they were on at all (Dollhouse) or never would have been able to catch up through re-runs (Eureka). Well... when I say "excellent", I don't really mean excellent like The Wire was excellent, or Six Feet Under. I mostly mean excellent in that sort of campy, cheesy way.

Dollhouse especially is both terrible, and wildly entertaining. Filled with this insane mix of great acting by completely unknown people (Fran Kranz and Enver Gjokaj are especially awesome. Those are real names. Oh... and there's bad acting too. Eliza Dushku is hot, but just horribly, horribly bad. It's sort of the de-evolutionary Alias in a way.

On the other hand, Eureka is just this awesome little sci-fi show with horrible, wretched disasters befalling this town full of geniuses. I am currently waiting for Season 4 to come available online, so I don't have to use the DVDs for it. I assume Season 5 is going to be starting soon on TV, and I'm looking forward to starting with it.

You know what else is awesome?

Blogging.

Some day I'll have more to say again. I promise.

Uh Oh... I made someone mad. 19 Points...

2011-01-18T00:57:00.003-05:00

It seems that my last post made someone an itty bit mad. So... I've decided to break from my normal format for one entry.

I am a proponent of free speech, and I absolutely welcome differing opinions. That said, I started blogging 6 years ago to debate one particular crazy person, and I know that this kind of thing can go on forever. So... This will be my one-and-only full-on response to a comment of this kind on this blog...

If ever you want to break me down, point by point, I welcome it, but please consider that other readers are here to be entertained too, and this kind of back and forth is tiresome for most casual blog readers. I'm not against, or afraid of, debate, but since that's not the purpose of this particular blog I need have the debate without driving others away. I mean... I have so few readers as it is. So, after this response, I'll keep my debates for the comments section.

Anyway... It appears that I hit a nerve... Delightful. Let's do this...

–- (His Comments)

-- My Comments
-- My Original Blog Content

Hey, Dumbass...Some of us actually read both of his "books" before we voted.

1) Congratulations on being literate! Well done. What does his book “Dreams from My Father” have to do with anything? (for those of you who have not read it, it's a memoir of his life up until the time he entered law school.)

2) I applaud you for inferring... oh so many things... but to first assume I didn't read his books prior to voting, and to secondarily assume that reading his books would dissuade me from voting for him are... well... just bad assumptions. I read both of his books. I voted for him anyway.

We actually looked at his very slim record and decided that we did not want his brand of socialism.

3) “We”? Oh wait... you're talking about the hoards and hoards of people who voted AGAINST Obama. Right? Because anyone who disapproved of Obama's “slim” record would have never voted FOR John McCain and Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin whose own service record makes Obama look like Strom Thurmond's. That only leaves the vote against, right? Like... “I don't like either of these unqualified fools, but this one guy is black, and that I cannot abide...”. Did I get that right?

4) I mean... I know what you're saying. Having universal health care would definitely be a Marxist's dream come true (and the obvious decline of democracy and capitalism)... because that's where you're getting the socialist thing, right?

We didn't just look at the color of his skin like all of you racists.

5) So... I'm a racist? Based on? Oh wait... I get it. You're trying to say that because I acknowledge the man is black makes me a racist. And I voted for him because of it? Because... I hate my own race or something? I don't get it.

each were bigger than the Black Monday collapse of 1929. Then on October 3... blame those people who voted for McCain. Goodness no.

You have so many misguided thoughts and emotions going on there, typical leftist.

6) Not to get all “fact-y” or anything on you, since you seem to be set on throwing out random “insults” and ad hominem attacks, but The Dow Jones industrial average fell over 1,874 points, or 18%, in its worst weekly decline ever on both a point and percentage basis. That is not my “typical leftist opinion”. That is what we silly folks in the real world call “facts”.

I know the war isn't Obama's fault. I mean shit...he was in the fucking Illinois STATE Senate when we got involved, but it's amazing.... If you're against the war, .... Hi Reverend Haggard!! Hi Bill O'Reilly!! Hi Larry Craig!!")

Hi Bwarney Fwank! Your hero.

7) Interesting that you bring up Barney Frank to poke holes in MY point. You're equating doing meth with a male prostitute while vocally preaching homophobia and fundamentalism (Haggard) or attempting to engage in illicit, anonymous gay sex in an airport restroom (Craig), to being an openly gay, unashamed congressman (Frank)? One of these things is not like the others.... This comment is so helpful in proving my point. Oh...and are you implying that I'm gay because I might like Barney Frank. I hope so.

Yeah, I can tell your not political, you vapid dipshit.

8) You make a strong and valid point. Well done.

My point is that these fuckers are so obviously racist, it makes me sad.

You are the RACIST, voting for a candidate based solely on the color of his skin...or did you also admire the way he reads the teleprompter???

9) Why did I vote for John Kerry? Because his wife was rich! Why did I vote for Gore? Because he believes in that crazy myth of Global Warming! Am I an Earth-ist? Am I a Ketchup-ist? Maybe I voted for them because I couldn't stomach the alternatives. Maybe I voted for them because I couldn't take anyone with the last name “Bush” seriously. (OBJECTION! RHETORIC!)

Although... speaking of which, I do like my leaders to be able to speak in public without chuckling and tee-heeing like they just heard the BEST boner joke.

YOU ARE A PUSSY!

10) Yep. Got me. I probably have a poster of Lenin in my bedroom too, right?

These idiots, who are against a national health care system even though half of them can't afford heathcare themselves, who say it's un-American to repeal "Don't ask don't tell" yet can't be axed to provide a single reason why being gay matters while you're shooting a gun...

You are stupid, did that dude Rachel Maddow tell you what to think about that? He is awesome.

11) I wouldn't know what Rachel Maddow has to say about much of anything, but if he agrees with me, he does sound awesome. Rachel is a weird name for a dude. Anyway.. I do what I can to listen more to people who disagree with me. I don't require some random radio or TV personality's affirmation to reinforce my own opinions.

But sure.. Let's post some fucking bumper stickers.

Hey while we're at it.. lets vote in a whole new congress based on \making body in one swoop.

(crying little bitch)

12) Because I wish people had the ability to look at long-term outcomes of their short-term decisions? You're right. I am a crying little bitch. I think it's sad that our government is so splintered at it's core that no policy, good or bad, has much chance of becoming more than an idea. It goes both ways, my friend. Mr. Bush didn't have much success getting things done either. That's sort of what I'm saying.

It's the biggest flaw in what sure seems to be a broken system. There's no chance at continuity.

You are smarter than the founders? Yeah?

13) Well... No. I believe that our government is the greatest in the world. The founders of our country had the forethought to write a constitution that possesses elasticity. It's the greatest trait of a great founding document. That said, I also believe that our current government is far more bi-partisan than they ever imagined it would be. The three branch system is one of the greatest ideas in all of democracy, but we don't have just 3 branches. We have more like... 5. The Supreme Court is made up of 2 parties, Congress is made up of 2 parties. The idea is to have these branches act as a single vote, but they can't even get their own shit together.

You're implying by your comment that the “founders” would look at today's government, or really more to your point, the government of George Bush and be pleased. Me? I'm not so sure.

Maybe one day, long ago, the American public as a whole was more shielded from the process and the folks elected to lead could lead. Now, there's such a divide, and there are so many loud voices convincing people of whatever is in the interests of the actors spouting whatever makes them rich, that we end up with so much turnover nothing can ever truly be accomplished. We live in a country of perpetual agitation.

HUH?

14) I'm just wondering if, back in the days of Eisenhower or Truman, the government had more opportunity to you know... govern. Without all of the static and agenda pushing that permeates our airwaves on a daily basis. That's all... because as it is now, the overturn in our government doesn't allow any sort of forward momentum. Thus “perpetual agitation”... you know... like a washing machine.

ASIDE:
Is it worse if Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly believe what they say or don't?

What do they actually say that makes you wet your pants so much? No, not the stuff Keith O. tells you about...the stuff you actually heard with your own ears and processed with your own brain and actually did your own research. You know, "thinking".

15) It's not so much that I'm afraid of Glenn Beck or Rush or Bill O'Reilly. I think it's fairly likely that they don't believe what they're saying, and are simply getting rich off of the millions and millions of less discerning listeners who buy into what they're saying completely. I believe they are actors who are taking advantage of the less educated. What I AM afraid of, though, is that these people who listen aren't listening for entertainment.

...he's black?

No, i hate his policies, based on what he has stated. I, like most people (besides you) have no issue with his skin color.

16) Let's set aside your repeated assertion that I have an issue with his skin color (despite your opposing assertion that I voted for him strictly because of it). You've hit on one of my favorites. The notion that nobody cares that he's black aside from us crazy liberals. It must be my imagination that white people and republicans disapprove of the job he's doing whereas democrats and minorities approve?

Now... I realize this takes a leap of logic that you may not be capable of, but there are only a couple of conclusions that can be drawn. 1) The approval ratings go beyond actual job performance, and possibly stray into the realm of bi-partisanship for bi-partisanship's sake as well as the stickier realm of “white people don't like Obama as much as Black people.” or 2) That only white republicans know what the hell they're talking about. You wouldn't wanna assert that, would you?

How shallow are we the people that money and race are the only determiners of a leader's worth?

Project much????

17) Let's just say that I do tie worth to money and race. (I don't, but for the hell of it..) That would simply lump me into the same enormous group I'm talking about above. There are millions and millions of people who voted strictly based on how their wallets would be affected. Like it or not, there are many people who voted (one way or another) based on race. As for myself... I can't see myself voting for Sarah Palin under any circumstance. If that makes led by race or my pocketbook, guilty as charged.

So, you hate Sarah, because she wouldn't murder her baby too, eh? Or do you hate her because Jon Stewart (Abramowitz)told you to?

18) You're missing my point. I brought up Sarah Palin because among her other insanities, she had a website that literally put a cross-hairs target on the face of the congresswoman who was shot in Arizona, and I question the wisdom of tying that particular visual to her point. (She was pointing out the important elections and which Democrat candidates had to be “targeted” for being voted out. Of course, put that imagery in front of a lunatic with a gun.

I have no idea what place abortion or pro-life vs. pro-choice has anything to do with my blog entry, but I have to hand it to you. You're working really hard to muddy the point.

Now... as for Jon Stewart. I don't watch The Daily Show, but I will say that if you're planning on outing someone else as a racist, you may want to stay away from the willy-nilly “Jewish name inventing”. Stewart's real last name is Leibowitz. I know that there are a couple of similar letters, but in this case, I'm pretty sure only one of us is coming across as an anti-Semite.

That whole thing is beyond fucked up. I could write a whole post about it, but you know... I won't. I'll be back to obsessing over sports and Disney and movies tomorrow. I'll just leave you with the words of Sheriff Clarence Dupnik who probably will be criticized for them. Oh wait... he already has been. I'm shocked.

"When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous."

You have no vitriol here, huh? Typical leftist, brainless and projecting their own hate onto others. So sad, you are full of so much hate.

19) No, you're right. My blog is not free from vitriol. But it's also my blog. It's not my “Nationally syndicated radio show” and not my “New York Times Bestseller”. I have no power. I have no readership to speak of. The danger isn't in one, essentially anonymous blogger's opinion. The danger comes when people like those pundits, I talked about earlier, say dangerous and unsupported things on their radio shows and television interviews and because notoriety equals authority in our world, people listen. They don't question. They just nod and obey.

Let's Blame Someone!

2011-01-12T23:07:00.007-05:00

You know what's really starting to piss me off?

All those bumper stickers crapping on the Obama presidency.

"Don't Blame Me. I Voted for McCain"
"Obama Bin Laden"
"OneBigAssMistakeAmerica"

How 'bout fuck you?

Listen... I'm no apologist. I know there are issues with the country. I know that Obama is fallible. Everyone is fallible. I know that this blog will come across as one big "liberal, commie rant" or whatever, but that's not it at all.

I also know that the problems with America are bigger than one person, one administration, one party, or even one two-term silly redneck. As much as I disliked the very presence of Gee-Dub, I never was short-sighted enough to assign all the blame for anything to him.

Here's what I don't like. Here's what makes me feel icky... It just seemed a little too quick to be actually, you know... thought-out. The "Anti" sentiment that pervades. I think I saw my first "Don't Blame Me... " sticker 2 weeks after the inauguration. Amazing. I'd love to know exactly what Obama did one way or the other after just 2 fucking weeks. Nothing. He was still learning the routes to effing oval office from his bedroom at that point. The system is basically designed to prevent quick decisions and quick actions.

I think it's pretty safe to say that anything that actually makes it through to becoming actual policy/law in the first two years of any administration is more attributable to the previous one.

Let's take the whole... "Obama is a reckless spender who has ruined America's economy" thing. Seems to me that in the year 2000, America's economy was as strong as it ever was in history. Yes? Yes. By October of 2008 our economy was facing collapse. Yes? Yes. There were days and days of drops in the stock market that each were bigger than the Black Monday collapse of 1929. Then on October 3, 2008, president Bush signs the SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLAR Bailout that was approved by a largely Republican congress. I'm not saying it was right or wrong, but it certainly wasn't Obama being economically irresponsible. But don't blame those people who voted for McCain. Goodness no.

I know the war isn't Obama's fault. I mean shit...he was in the fucking Illinois STATE Senate when we got involved, but it's amazing.... If you're against the war, it's Obama's fault because they're still there. If you're FOR the war, it's Obama's fault for being too much of a pussy and pulling out. (I wonder what pervs will happen upon my blog after Google mistakenly leads them here after that last sentence.... Hi Reverend Haggard!! Hi Bill O'Reilly!! Hi Larry Craig!!")

Anyway... I'm honestly not particularly political, so I don't care much for who's fault whatever is. After all that, it's not my point.

My point is that these fuckers are so obviously racist, it makes me sad. The stickers and the blame and the allegations of "socialism" or being "un-American" is just a thinly veiled excuse for all those Dixie-Flag-Waving, Back-of-the-bus pointing, pathetically obvious rednecks to be the racist fuckers they are all out in the open. It's scary.

These idiots, who are against a national health care system even though half of them can't afford heathcare themselves, who say it's un-American to repeal "Don't ask don't tell" yet can't be axed to provide a single reason why being gay matters while you're shooting a gun...

Since the protestation makes no sense, the only conclusion I can make is that they were determined to be against him no matter what, which is... dare I say it, the most un-American thing of all. The notion that a person is automatically wrong because they may represent a viewpoint that they are told doesn't mesh with what their ideals should be... it's so fucking convoluted and dumb, and monarchist. That's right. I said MONARCHIST.

I was once told, by a person I wholly respect otherwise, that President Jimmy Carter "hates America" because he had the audacity to state the opinion that a majority of the anti-Obama sentiment was at least partially racially motivated. I mean... Jimmy Carter. Nobel Peace Prize winning Jimmy Carter... Hates America. WHAT? Of course, he's right. Carter, I mean. To many people made the decision before there was a single fact supporting either side for it to be legitimate, informed opinion. Another guy I know put up a sign in his front yard the day after the election, saying something to the effect of "R.I.P. America". No possible way that Obama could do a good job. Not according to Sign Guy. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact it's a black guy with a Muslim name. No, no... Not at all.

I mean, me personally, even if I didn't like the guy, I think the election of Barack Obama was one of the greatest moments of evident growth in our nation's history. I know it's sort of like the back-side of Godwin's Law by bringing up Martin Luther King while discussing racism, but seriously... If you can't see progress in the fact that 40 years after the iconic figure of the civil rights movement was murdered in an act of overt racism a black man was elected PRESIDENT.. I mean... COME ON PEOPLE. How can that be Un-American? We should all be embarrassed that South Africa beat us to it.

But sure.. Let's post some fucking bumper stickers.

Hey while we're at it.. lets vote in a whole new congress based on the propaganda that Obama has too much power, or the Democrats have too much power, or they're just misguided and evil or whatever. The best way to get anything done either way is to swap out a full third of the decision making body in one swoop.

It's the biggest flaw in what sure seems to be a broken system. There's no chance at continuity.

Maybe one day, long ago, the American public as a whole was more shielded from the process and the folks elected to lead could lead. Now, there's such a divide, and there are so many loud voices convincing people of whatever is in the interests of the actors spouting whatever makes them rich, that we end up with so much turnover nothing can ever truly be accomplished. We live in a country of perpetual agitation.

ASIDE:
Is it worse if Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly believe what they say or don't?

The funniest thing to me is that I can't think of a single thing that any iteration of our government has done that has affected me on any level aside from a financial one. And is that what it all comes down to? Obama might raise taxes so we hate him? Well, that and the fact that he's black?

How shallow are we the people that money and race are the only determiners of a leader's worth?

I haven't even started in on the whole fucking travesty in Arizona, which is sad on a whole other level. That gets into the power of the media, the vapidness of Sarah Fucking Palin, the willful shift and or deflection of blame. It's just gross.

That whole thing is beyond fucked up. I could write a whole post about it, but you know... I won't. I'll be back to obsessing over sports and Disney and movies tomorrow. I'll just leave you with the words of Sheriff Clarence Dupnik who probably will be criticized for them. Oh wait... he already has been. I'm shocked.

"When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous."

I see a lot of movies.

2011-01-02T23:06:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year, Faithful Readers!

One of my favorite things I did this past year on my blog was track each and every movie I saw in the theaters, and rank them as they came in. I was always curious as to how many movies I saw, and I was also sort of interested in seeing how I'd rank movies if I had a continuous flow-chart sort of thing where I listed them.

I'm very pleased with how it turned out, and I will definitely be starting a new list for 2011 soon.

So... Without further ado, a look back at the best and worst from my perspective, based only on the movies I saw.

Best Actress:
For me this comes down to three.
Natalie Portman in Black Swan is likely going to win the Oscar, and she definitely would be deserving. I didn't totally love the movie, overall. It felt... kind of unfocused. It seemed like it was trying to be different things. That doesn't make her performance any less incredible. She killed it.
Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air. I know that technically this was a 2009 movie, but I saw it in 2010, and it didn't get wide release until then. So there. Anyway, she was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for this movie, and really I think she was robbed.
Hailee Steinfeld in True Grit. Ten minutes into this movie I knew this girl's performance was special. She was totally badass and she stood toe to toe with Jeff Bridges, Josh Brolin, Barry Pepper, and Matt Damon and made them all have to rise to her level. She rocks.

Honorable Mention:
Anne Hathaway in Love and Other Drugs

Best Actor:
I mean... I don't think there were any truly transcendent performances by men this year.
Jeff Bridges in True Grit was great, and I firmly believe the guy makes a case for 2 wins in a row, after Crazy Heart last year. I wasn't the fan of DiCaprio's performance in Inception that many were. I felt like Joseph Levitt was better. Gyllenhall is good in Love and Other Drugs. Jesse Eisenberg is good in The Social Network. Just... I don't think anyone really stands out more than the others. I think I'm gonna have to go with Clooney in Up in the Air. Best movie of the year in the non-Animated category. He was great. And he has mastered the "The same but different" thing. I loved that movie.

Worst Actress:
Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter. There's really no contest here.

Worst Actor:
Gerard Butler in The Bounty Hunter or, as much as I hate to say it... Will Arnett in When in Rome. I've talked about how much disdain I have for Gerard Butler before. He's horrid in every possible way. It makes me super sad, though, to report that Will Arnett's schtick is getting old. He was awesome as Gob Bluth. He was funnier than anyone knows in Lets Go to Prison. But as funny as the guy is, he's limited, and it seems that his limits have been reached. Sad.

Best Performance in a Shitty Movie:
I'm gonna go with Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones. I probably wouldn't go so far as to call The Lovely Bones shitty, but it did solidly fall in the lower half of my list. Stanley Tucci is generally awesome, and almost always excellent. I don't know what it is about him, but he's always awesome. He was awesome in Burlesque too. His performance as a terrifying serial killer was one of the creepiest things I saw all year.

Worst Performance in a Good Movie:
Man... I mean.. maybe Nicholas Cage in Kick Ass? Or Nicholas Cage in The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Hard to say. And funny enough, Good Old Nic Cage kicks ass in both of these movies. I can't think of anyone better in either role, and he is SO, SOOO bad. It's like an effing M.C. Ecsher painting.

Best Cameos:
TIE: The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson in The Other Guys. One of the most drop-dead hilarious bits in any movie this year, and I can't say any more or else I'll spoil it.

Non-Disney movie I'm Most Likely to Buy on Blue Ray:
This eliminates Toy Story 3, Tangled, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice, so... I think I'd be really torn between Kick Ass and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. There were definitely better movies. Up in the Air, True Grit, Inception. Still... knowing my personal tastes in at-home-viewing, I think I'd be fairly unlikely to regularly watch those heavier flicks. Kick-Ass and Scott Pilgrim are both total nerd dreams, and a ton of fun. That's pretty much what I like. Something not too deep. These weren't deep, but they were a blast. If forced to choose, I go with Kick-Ass.

Worst Picture:
I don't know... I think I'd have a hard time thinking of a worse movie than The Bounty Hunter. Not just this year, but ever. I mean... I know it's not the worst movie ever *cough* Titanic *cough*, but it is really, really bad. Not even a close second on this list. Daybreakers, my 2nd lowest rated movie features a fairly entertaining premise and a fairly entertaining performance by Willem Defoe. They can't save it from Ethan Hawke, but it wasn't a travesty. The Bounty Hunter was a travesty.

Best Picture:
Generally, I think it was a strong year for movies in the "good but not great" range, but not nearly as strong on the high end. If I had to vote for Best Picture of the movies I saw, I'd be hard-pressed not to give it to Toy Story 3, which will never ever win. It was the best movie I saw all year. It was hilarious and deeply emotional. It had a great story. It was beautiful to watch. It was definitely the most great of any of the really good movies I saw this year.

Now, on to 2011.

Tooth Dust

2011-01-01T11:00:00.003-05:00

(I regret initially searching on Google Images for "Fist in the Mouth". Some things can never be unseen.)

Does everyone remember how when you were a little kid there were these things you looked forward to for weeks.

Christmas morning. The last day of school. The next Disney movie (um... still.)

None of these, however, could ever take top the sheer thrill and exhilaration of your biannual trip to the dentist.

That crotchety old son of a bitch.

That's why last Tuesday was so fucking special. I had the rare chance to make my second dentist visit in just under a month. How amazing is that?! It was my fifth visit in 10 months!

You see.... almost a year ago I went in to see good old Crotchety Bastard ("C.B." for short) because my face was in this excruciating pain. It felt like I was sucking on a hot coal as though it were a god damned lolly. Turns out that I had a particularly nasty cavity. I subsequently made 2 more trips to the old C.B. One trip to get a "medicated temporary filling" and then a trip out to the other, more specialized and slightly richer and less crotchety Bastard number two, who gave me a root canal

Damn was that fun. There's nothing like being in the dentist's chair, face numbed to the point of stupidity, and having them get their little pointy hooky things inside from crevice of tooth and start yanking like they're starting a tiny lawn mower.

So anyway, after the root canal, the other, more specialized and slightly richer and less crotchety bastard number two gave me another filling, and said no more. I assumed this was it.

Until a couple of weeks ago, when I was biting down on a piece of soft, chewy pizza and the whole fucking tooth broke off. Like.. snapped at the stem. It's hard to really describe how upsetting it is when your tooth breaks off while not participating in a rock-chewing competition or some bare knuckle brawl, but rather eating a soft and innocuous piece of glorified bread. I can tell you that it was not cool at all. AT. ALL.

So I go back to C.B's office and he's all...

"You never came back for your permanent filling. "

and I'm all...

"What the eff are you talking about you Crotchety old Bastard?" (paraphrasing)

Turns out that filling the other, more specialized and slightly richer and less crotchety bastard number two gave me was ALSO supposed to be temporary and I was supposed to come back for yet another visit to the C.Bs office to get a permanent filling put in. Did anyone tell me this? No. No they did not.

So, the CB give's me some shit about being a bad dental patient and whatnot, because I was supposed to read their fucking minds or whatever, and gives me another "temporary medicated filling", and tells me to come back in a couple of weeks, because, lucky me... I get to have a crown.

That brings us to last Tuesday.

So I go back to the CBs office once again, and the first thing he does is stick me right in the mouth with some sort of numbing agent. My favorite part of this is that every time he does it (I've had it done enough in the past year that I actually have picked up patterns), he goes "Eaassy. Eaaaasy." Like I'm a god damned wild horse or something that needs to be tamed. Then he stabs me in the mouth.

So I'm getting good and numbed up, and I bust out my Anti-Dentists balm (aka: Carmex) and I give my lips a good lathering. Apparently I have a hard time keeping my mouth open wide enough, so I'm always getting yanked around, and getting my lips cracked and bloody and whatnot. It's not a fun time. So I come prepared with loads of lip balm and moisturizing stuff.

Anyway, I lather on a good amount of it, and go back to reading Entertainment Weekly. The dentist always seems to be seeing multiple patients at once, so I typically come prepared to wait in between. The strangest thing about it is that he doesn't have full walls in his office between examining areas, so you can hear everything going on in the other rooms. I can only imagine what horrors some child would feel while hearing my teeth get ground and drilled.

So, finally the CB comes back and immediately grabs my mouth like an angler grabbing a scrod.

Then he proceeds to violate my mouth.

The exact details of events are a little unclear, I have to be honest. I think it's a defense mechanism. There are three things that DO stand out.

1) At one point, he has his index finger hooked in the corner of my mouth like fucking Bass-Masters or something, and he keeps having these incidental conversations with other people while absentmindedly keeping his finger hooked in there. It was totally insane. By the time he was through, I had a deep gash in the corner of my mouth, and my lips were red with blood again. All of the Carmex in the world couldn't have saved my mouth from the fish hook.

2) Toward the end of the ordeal, the dentist was shoving a huge amount of this pasty stuff that eventually dries to become a filling, and after he sort of shapes it down, he has the tech-lady shine this blue light in my mouth. I don't have a funny story about that. I just thought it was weird.

3) The last thing the CB did was shave down my (now filled) tooth. There's something incredibly unpleasant about the sight, sound, and smell of having your tooth ground down. I generally keep my eyes closed during the dental procedures, as it helps me stay relaxed. Generally, I don't want to know what's happening to me. This time, I made the mistake of opening my eyes as he was grinding my mouth with a glorified Dremel tool, and I see a cloud above my head. Tooth dust. There was a fucking cloud of my TOOTH flying around the air. I took a sharp breath. I couldn't help it. This was a mistake. I breathed in a lung-load of my own tooth. The realization hit me, and I immediately breathed out again. I had a cloud of own, aspirated tooth dust coming out of my mouth like a sicko dragon.

I have another appointment on Tuesday.

Happy Holiday Of Your Choosing!

2010-12-25T10:07:00.002-05:00

Hey Folks..

Just a quick hello on this happiest of gift giving and getting days. I wanted to share with you my favorite commercial of this holiday season.

So freaking awesome.

We Can't Have Anything Nice

2010-12-11T19:24:00.007-05:00

One year ago this past Sunday, the Tofu Muchacha and I brought home our boys. The kittens known as Walt and Roy.

They are exceptional cats, and I just wanted to dedicate a blog to the anniversary of their homecoming.

Here's what they looked like the day we got them...Yep... Pretty effin' cute, right? They were definitely cute. They also were complete demons, and they commenced in ruining everything we owned. We got Walt and Roy (Named for the famous, Disney brothers) from a farm lady we found on Craigslist. They were free. At least at the time. Of course, having been born in an uncontrolled environment, they were chock-full-o-diseases. And worms. And parasites. And everything else that could be wrong with a kitten that wasn't fatal. I'm pretty sure we spent about 700 dollars for each kitten over the course of the first 2 months we had them. SO... free? Not so much.

They started messing things up as soon as we had them. As we drove them home, they were "free-range" in the car. And then Walter decided to start pooping right on the TM's lap. Good thing we had a plastic bag handy. I'll never be able to erase the sight and smell of the TM holding a pooping Walter over a plastic bag as I had my head hanging out the window on North Bend Rd. What horrors. Little did I know that the sight and stink of wet cat poop would become so prevalent in our lives.
Right after we got the kittens, we had our new couch delivered. I put the couch together, and 3 days later, we'd already had the cushion peed on twice. We tried everything. Cayenne pepper. Aluminum foil. Citrus peel. That fucking couch looked like some sort of Mediterranean stir fry. It was ridiculous. Did it make a difference? No. Cat pee became a large part of our day. Then they pooped on the couch and we sent the cushions off to the dry cleaners. Even the pros weren't able to make it right.

The nightmares didn't end there. Starting in the early Spring, we started letting the kittens sleep with us. That is, until little Roy started peeing on the bed. It happened fairly regularly, and that, my friends, wasn't fun. One time we caught him and he just kept on peeing in the TMs hands as she quickly carried him downstairs. We are pretty sure he was troubled.

Of course, the only trouble was that we were now being forced to sleep on rubber sheets. Like WE were the bed wetters. I'm still convinced Roy (Nicknamed "Sir Pees-A-Lot" by the TM) did it just to see the steps we'd take to stop him.

I admit, though, that through all of it, I've grown to love these little guys. They are very smart. Roy plays fetch like a dog. You throw a little mousie toy, and he chases it and brings it back. Walter runs into the kitchen, flops on the floor, and waits for pats every time we come home. Walter is an absolute whore for the pats.

Roy doesn't give his love quite so quickly, but he's super sweet (on his terms). They both completely love the two older cats, and their presence has made the older cats stay lively. I believe that Zoro, especially, secretly enjoys the kittens, especially Roy who is a little runty, but tough as nails. He LOVES playing with toys... Oh... and he absolutely adores the TM. He follows her around constantly.

My favorite thing about them is how different they are, even though they're brothers from the same litter. Walter is a big, rugged boy. He's handsome and muscled and snuggly. He has "sad eyes". I like to compare him to Mufasa from the Lion King. He's the brother who would be the king (if Zoro wasn't already). Roy is smaller and thinner. He's got a sleekness to him. I think he's also smarter, and has the ability to plan, like one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park. He's more like Scar.

I can be cranky sometimes, but spending some time with my kittens (who are definitely not so kittenlike anymore) always puts a smile on my face.

Some more kitten pictures:

Roy in a shoebox

The boys share the S. Walt loves to be under and inside of things. He's on the left.

Kitten picking a fight with Sammie. I'm pretty sure this is Roy, but It's hard to tell. And yes... The kitten started it.

My all-time favorite kitten picture. Walt passed out asleep on top of the scratching post.

A Triumphant Return!

2010-12-05T17:38:00.014-05:00

I know I've been a very bad blogger, but that's what happens when work is so busy that it monopolizes everything. I have very little of interest to say, and let's be honest... even on my good days what I have to say is only debatably of interest.

I do have some fun news, though!

The Tofu Muchacha and I have made our Disney World reservations for our next visit. It's still a long way away.... in fact, so long from now that I'm kind of embarrassed to even tell you that I'm excited. It would be like an 8 year old being excited for their wedding. Well... not nearly that extreme, but you get the idea.

I've promised myself to be a little staid in regards to my Disney Trip blogs until the trip gets closer, but in honor of our wonderful, upcoming travels to The Happiest Place on Earth (and in honor of Walt Disney's birthday!), I've decided to a list of my top 5 favorite restaurants at Disney World (a topic requested by The Tofu Muchacha, who is WAY more excited about the trip than she is letting on.)

So, here we go... Instead of ranking them, I'm going to give you my winner in different categories.

The Beefy Muchacho's Favorite Disney World Restaurants:

Favorite Resort Restaurant:

Boma at The Animal Kingdom Lodge. I first tried this place kind of on a whim when I was in Orlando for work, and I turned my 1 day work thing into a 4 day trip to Disney. I was by myself, and didn't have a time-table, so I drove my rental car over to the newly opened Animal Kingdom Lodge. After wandering around for a while, I made my way down the stairs where the two restaurants, Jiko and Boma are located. I looked at the prices at Jiko, and headed right in to Boma. Boma is an African-cuisine inspired buffet, and it is really freakin' incredible. The food quality is comparable to a high-end buffet you'd find at The Bellagio or The Wynn in Vegas, and the food itself is really unique and really delicious. In fact, I've requested 3 recipes at Disney World ever, and 2 of them came from Boma. This delicious soup called Mulligatawny (which isn't just a joke on The Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld), and this peanut butter rice dish. Crazy good. It's good enough that I plan on enticing The TM to get over her anti-Buffet sentiments (if only for a night) and try it out. I haven't been there in a couple of visits.

Favorite Restaurant Theming (non-chain)

Sci-Fi Dine-in at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Let be honest... the food at the Sci-Fi Dine-in is mediocre. The burgers are good, but not great. The fries are good, but not great. The seating is odd, and the wait-times are legendarily bad. BUT... that doesn't take away from one of the coolest restaurant themes anywhere. You walk through the doors, and you're transported back into the 1950s Drive-in Culture. Your dinner tables are all situated inside of 1950s era cars. All of the seats face the movie screen, and the screen shows a long and amusing loop of the old, terrible sci-fi movie trailers of the time. The seats aren't particularly comfortable, but man, is that place fun to sit in for an hour, of the hot air, and sipping on truly average milkshake. I can tell you that I've visited it several times over my visits and not once has it been for the food. But it IS worth a visit. By the way, I had to make this a "non-chain" category, because The Rainforest Cafe wins every day.

Favorite Restaurant View

The Coral Reef at Epcot. It's kind of hard to put into words until you're right there looking at it, but when you walk into the main dining room at The Coral Reef, and you see the huge, crystal clear aquarium wall that stands in for what would otherwise be a wall... that's just an incredible sight to see. It's certainly not for the weak stomached people among us, but if you don't get seasick, it's a really beautiful view. Sure, maybe it's a little morbid to chow down on some salmon as a school of salmon swim right past you, but you know... you get over it pretty quick when your breath is taken away by the amazing sea life on display. Oh, and the food there is really good too. Someone asked me once what my favorite dessert at Disney World is, and it was right here. The creme brule at the Coral Reef is very tasty.

Favorite Outdoor Seating

The Rose and Crown in The United Kingdom at Epcot's World Showcase. Maybe I'm just a little nostalgic for my first Disney experiences, but I remember my dad getting this guidebook for Disney World before one of our visits in the late 90s. I'm thinking it was the August of 1998 visit. The guidebook was full of all kinds of useful information about these newfangled "Fast Passes" and had all kinds of tips about how to get good seats for rides, and where to have the best viewing spots for different parades and shows. For some reason we made a point of testing out the tip for seeing Illuminations (Epcot's end-of-the-night show). The book suggested that you get a reservation around 8 pm for The Rose and Crown, and request a seat outside. The predict that by the time it's time for your dessert, it'll also be time for Illuminations, and you'll have the best, least crowded seat in the house. And they were totally right. It was incredible. I'm not a big fan of the parades and shows, because I hate being crowded. It's the greatest paradox of my Disney World fandom. Sitting on the patio of The Rose and Crown is the best solution to that problem. You get to see the show while enjoying a nice spot of tay (that's British for Tea). I like the food here, and I've gone there in the day time, but the treat is at night on the patio.

Favorite World Showcase Restaurant

San Angel Inn at Mexico. This was a really hard category (which is sad since I'm making up the categories as I go). If you'd have asked me 4 years ago, I would have said Alfredo's was my favorite World Showcase restaurant. It was really tasty, and it was a tradition that my step-mom, Dee Anne, and I would go there together. Sadly, Alfredo's is no more, only to be replaced by a restaurant I haven't tried yet. Anyway... My new favorite is The San Angel Inn at Mexico. I love the atmosphere. It's situated inside the Mexico pavilion, and designed to look like an outdoor street bistro on a river. I'm developing a fondness of Mexican food and this place has a flair for authentic (I mean... I should hope so.) I have a hard time talking about Mexican food, because the line between good and bad is really not that big, but trust me... it's good. Very good.

Favorite Eat-At-the Bar Restaurant

Rain Forest Cafe. Much of my love of the Rain Forest Cafe stems from my need to have something to do when I went to a restaurant alone on my solo Disney trips. I love the food, in fact, if I could have a "free-day" from my stomach limitations, the China Island Chicken Salad would definitely be among the candidates for a meal. The thing I like best, though, about The Rain Forest Cafe is the bar. First off, there is usually a long, long wait for dinner in the dining room, but if you go eat at the bar, you rarely have to wait more than a couple. Also, you never really appreciate the mix of people that visit Walt Disney World, until you sit at a bar and make idle conversation with them. I've watched the Patriots beat the Steelers in the playoffs at the Rain Forest Cafe Bar. I've talked to interesting people. And I've sat under a giant mushroom while it rained inside. What more can you ask for?

Day 9 & 10 Manhattan to St. Louis to Home: Grinding to the finish.

2010-11-21T23:01:00.016-05:00

Two weeks again. I should be ashamed of myself. I mean.. I'm not, but I should be.

People... There's a reason I've been dragging my feet to finish the final 2 days of the piano trip. As exciting as so much of the first 8 days were, and they really were, the last 2 days were pretty much all about driving and driving. Not many funny things happened. Not a whole lot of exciting moments along the drive occurred. Still... A task is a task, so here we go... the great finale.

We left Manhattan, Kansas and headed East (yet again) with designs of lunch in Kansas City.

The only thing that really stands out on this particular section of the drive is that to avoid the toll roads, our trusty Tom-Tom took us on the world's most round-about way around Topeka.

I'd thought that the whole thing about Kansas Fatigue was a bit overblown prior to this trip, but the more we drive through it, the more I realized that it was kind of true. It's not that it's so horrible, or anything like that. It's more that it's not that visually interesting, geographically, and what else is there really to do on a long road trip, but look out the window? When we drove through Colorado or Southern Utah or Eastern California the scenery is ever-changing, and awe-inspiring. There are only so many fields you can see before you start getting bored.

So we drove for a while, and ended up in Kansas City, Missouri right around lunch time, which was fortunate since we'd planned on hitting another Triple D restaurant.

A quick note about how I'd chosen the restaurant locations. After I planned the route, I went searching for websites about where old Guy Fieri had visited on his show, and the best site I found was an interactive map of the US. This was perfect, because I could just zoom in on the highways we were riding, and I tried to select interesting spots. I'm incredibly pleased with how it turned out, overall. Triple D is known for basically 2 different kinds of places. The greasy-spoons that have really indulgent food in large portions, and also the really unique places that sort of do their own thing, and play to the beat of a different drum... Those are the places that I tried to gravitate toward.

The trip to Kansas City brought us to Grinders.

What to say about Grinders...

Grinders is mostly a pizza place with some other good stuff. We came for the pizza, though, so to read about the rest check out their website.

The place itself was really fun. It wasn't particularly crowded that day. It was a Sunday... we got there right around Noon, and the Chiefs game was on TV. Because of that, we were able to sort of check out the place and take pictures and be weird without being self conscious about it. Not that we typically are, but still...

We ordered our meal, and checked out the sites and stuck our fingers in more holes.The decor at Grinders was eclectic. If you've seen the episode, you'll remember the owner is also a metal sculptor. A lot of his work is around the restaurant, and generally there was just a ton of cool, sort of off-beat, art around. It was awesome. Sort of like a mix of really aware art, and graffiti. It was sometimes hard to differentiate.

For Lunch, we ordered some deep fried mushrooms:As you can see by my thumb, I greatly enjoyed these mushrooms. I mean... I know that these aren't exactly the most exciting food items in the world, but sometimes just the fact that it's a REALLY good version of an item is good enough, and these were some really strong mushrooms. Good stuff.

Oh yeah... and we ordered one of the single most strange food items I've ever eaten.
The Grinders Bengal Tiger Pizza.

This pizza is a thin crust, oven baked pie with the following: Pesto, cheese, tandoori chicken (!), hearts of palm (!!), and wait for it... crab. (!!!).

I can't say that it was the best pizza I ever ate. The crust was delicious and perfectly thin and crispy and bubbly. Each item was well prepared, and the pizza itself was well prepared and the flavors definitely worked together. But... I don't love a slightly fishy pizza. I just don't. It was by far the most interesting pizza I've ever eaten, and I liked it well enough that the next time I'm in Kansas City I'll definitely stop at Grinders to try one of the other pies on the menu. At least 3 of them were calling my name. We ordered this one because it's the one featured on the show, and it was tasty... Just well... I've had it and now I don't need to again for a while.

One of the coolest experiences of being there was that it was the one place we visited that had actual regulars! Like a real dive. This couple came in and the servers all greeted them by name. It was awesome.

The Tofu Muchacha gave Grinders a 7.5. I gave it an 8.

The rest of the day (Day 9) was pretty uneventful aside from a stop off at an antique mall where we got some good stuff, but nothing particularly Earth-shattering. My primary goal was to get to St. Louis in time to check in at the hotel and find a sports bar to watch the Reds game. We'd planned to try Iron Barley restaurant in St. Louis, but they were closed on Sunday. We ended up just going to a B-Dubs and watching the Reds season end while in St. Louis, which... yeah. I have nothing to say.

We also had to get up super, super early on Day 10 in order to make it home to Cincy in time to meet the piano movers. We ended up leaving St. Louis at like... 4:30 in the morning, which was good (because we missed the AM Traffic) but sad, because I didn't get a chance to see the Arch during the day.

The rest of the drive was pretty run-of-the-mill, aside from a stop for breakfast at Hell. Also known as Denny's.Please note that this was the sunrise, and that we'd been driving for 2 hours prior to this.

A quick word about Denny's... My dad has often talked about how he hates Denny's based on one particularly bad experience with a "Skillet" or something, and he's a little bit of a food-alarmist sometimes, always calling things goopy or greasy or whatever. I usually don't let his opinions on restaurants sway me, especially when they're negative.

If only I'd listened to him.

Denny's is disgusting. I'm sorry to people who love it, but god damn... that place made me sick as a fucking dog. One reason we have so few pictures of Indiana is because I was barely able to keep my breakfast down the whole time.

I can only provide this one example of the travesty that is Denny's:
Folks... Just so you know you're not going crazy... That is a grilled cheese sandwich with whole fried mozzarella sticks stuck in the middle. I... I just... God damnit.

After we left Denny's and climbed our way out of the food coma we'd fallen into, we made the final push toward home.

It was a bittersweet feeling, because the trip was such a wonderful adventure, and something I'll remember forever, but I admit that seeing that Welcome to Ohio gave me the chills.We finally made it home. We still had to get that piano off the truck and into the house.The movers arrived, and in not so much time, we finally had our piano into our house. And I must say that even though it's been over a month since we got home, and over a month that the piano has been with us here, I still can't look at it without thinking about our amazing road trip.

It was a long journey full of incredible scenery, incredible food, Family reunions, terrifying drives, and so many other things. We spent time in 9 different states. We drove over 3000 miles. We made a weird little home out of a giant moving truck. We sang, we laughed, we drove and drove and drove. I enjoyed every minute of spending time with my true love, Kasmira (aka the Tofu Muchacha). For me, she turned this insane drive across the country into one of the most treasured memories of my life.

Day 8 Denver to Manhattan: Not as Boring as Advertised.

2010-11-07T21:28:00.007-05:00

Sorry for the brief hiatus. I've found that blogging about the trip, much like the trip itself, after Denver a little fatigue set in.

The drive on Day 8 started late, but for a very good reason. The T.M's family resides in Denver, and we couldn't pass through without at least saying hello. We did more than that, and had breakfast with a whole mess of them at a place called Benedicts. The trip coincided perfectly with the birthday of one of the T.M.'s sisters, so it was a doubly pleasant occasion. It's always very interesting to see the T.M. with her fam. I like meeting people who knew her before she was her. When she was, you know... turning into her.

The birthday girl, Carissa is in white. The other sisters are Cynda (the dark hair and black shirt) and Ping (The red hair and glasses). The TM's mom is on the far right, and Carissa's boyfriend Nate is on the end. As always, I am behind the camera. (you can tell, because people who gaze upon me always smile like that.)

And then we drove. And drove. And drove. A long fucking way. We had almost 500 miles to drive that day, and we got on the road around 10:30 am.

Oh... and as you can see by the sign above... most of it was through Kansas. The dreaded Kansas. My mother told me that Kansas was the greatest test of a relationship. When I posted on my Facebook wall a request for suggestions for things to do, I received things like: "Nothing". "Get through it as fast as possible." "Count the trees." Not exactly a glowing endorsement.

I even went on Kansas' tourism website to get suggestions for things to see along I-70. I gathered several ideas and off we went.

First thing I'll say about Kansas is that the welcome center was freaking sweet. It was huge, and full of brochures, and had fancy cement patterns outside the building.

In fact... you know what? I should have taken the Welcome Center as a sign that Kansas is a little self-conscious of their reputation. I mean... those fuckers are trying HARD to convince people that their state is awesome. I decided to reserve judgment until I'd spent more than 10 minutes there.

One of the goals for our time in Kansas was to find some cool antiques to fill the back of the giant truck we were driving. We kinda felt silly driving around in an empty truck, and according to the Kansas Tourism website, and our pre-conceived notions of what people in Kansas do... we thought there'd be a lot of antiques. The first place that was recommended on the website was in a town called Goodland, and it was closed. Not just closed like... for the day, but closed as in "boarded up".

Not a great start for the state of Kansas.

On the other hand, we did happen across another oddity... One of 3 current (of 7 planned) giant Van Gogh paintings in the world. Read about it here.

I mean... yeah. It was huge, and in the middle of Goodland, Kansas. Who'da thought?

We kept driving after taking pictures of the giant picture. We kept going and going, and eventually we DID find an antique "mall". I don't really remember where it was, exactly, but that's for the best, as it was mostly just creepy as hell...

It DID have a giant selection of racist collectibles. Lovely, isn't it? I mean... I don't believe that any particular item holds some sort of evil power, but man... a whole wall of whimsically racist salt shakers and piggy banks. It gives one pause. If anything, the casual way it was presented was troubling.

Kansas actually wasn't all that bad. It was a long, flat drive. Full of wind and grass and a bunch of cows (but not as many as you'd assume, you judgmental bastards...sheesh). But there was plenty of stuff to see and talk about. The thing I most looked forward to seeing was outside the town of Oakley, named after Annie Oakley herself.

It was a giant statue of Buffalo Bill Cody. I've been interested in Wild-West culture for a long time, and Buffalo Bill was a huge part of the glamourization of the Wild West. The town of Oakley is home to this amazing statue:

I've included this photo that featured the TM to show the scale of the thing. It was really, really cool. I'd probably rank this statue among the five coolest things we saw on the trip.

It also marked the start of a trend of us sticking our fingers in things and taking pictures. You'll see it continued on Day 9.

After the Buffalo Bill statue, we really didn't stop again. Even for gas. We drove into the night and ended up in Manhattan, Kansas. Home of Kansas State University. It was a pretty cool little town from what small part of it I saw, but I will say this...

It took me a single visit of about 12 hours to determine that something was definitely going on when Bob Huggins managed to convince 3 of the biggest college basketball recruits in the country to play in that place. Not exactly South Beach.

We're heading into the home stretch. Only 2 more days and 2 more blogs.

Day 7: Not a Road Trip Without Snow

2010-10-26T23:02:00.009-04:00

After the abject terror of the drive down Highway 6 in the pouring rain the day before, Day 7 of the trip greeted us in Green River with beautiful, clear skies. We set out bright and early and started the long journey East on the legendary Interstate 70. According to Wikipedia, I-70 was the first interstate highway project, and is considered an engineering marvel based on the mountain passes and tunnels in Colorado. I can honestly say that while there were some pretty scary, stressful portions (more on that later), if I had to point to the 5 most stunning views of our trip, at least 3 were laid out before us on Day 7 in Utah and Colorado.

We'd barely gone 50 miles when nature called, and we made our way to a rest area. On a completely separate note, I wish I had tracked exactly how often we stopped due to "nature". I'll just say that the TM drinks a TON of water.

Anyway, I digress...

This rest area was easily the coolest one of our trip. The one near Mt. Shasta was pretty sweet because the river was right there (and the skunk), but for sheer impressiveness there's not even a close second to this rest area in Utah.

Facing North:

Facing North again:

Facing South:

Facing South again:

I mean... I don't want to go all hyperbolic about things, but I could seriously just set up a tent and live at this place. I loved it. I could have spent all day there.

I used to think about the kinds of places I'd love to go if I didn't have to worry about money and could just live somewhere and write and think and do art and whatnot, and I always imagined my back yard as looking a lot like this place. Not just the rest area, but this particular brand of Rocky Mountains. I absolutely love it.

After we left the rest area, we made our way into Colorado, and decided to stop in Grand Junction for gas and Starbucks. Grand Junction is just about the last flat(ish) area on I-70 before entering into the intense moutainy area, and we felt like having a full tank of gas might be a good decision.

It was in Grand Junction that we had the only real Piano-Related scare of the drive. I'd gone into the gas station to buy a shot glass, and the TM was going to drive over to Starbucks to meet me. As she circled past some parked cars, and waved at me, we heard a big bang. Keep in mind... I am not in the truck, but rather 25 feet away. She hits the brakes, and the dude whose truck she passed nearly had a heart attack checking the condition of his ride. All was fine, we found a good out-of-the-way spot to park, and opened the back of the truck. Terrified. Turns out it was just the board that goes between your knees and the strings that fell off... So we strapped that down and continued on our way.

It doesn't sound scary, but it was pretty effing traumatic at the time.

Our next stop was in Rifle (another "Nature" stop) and it wasn't particularly eventful, but we did see some really, really dirty hitchers get picked up. These people were true hippy hitchhikers. Down to their lack of shoes and their surplus of hair.

We continued on, through Western Colorado, enjoying the scenery. It was really beautiful. I mean, I know this isn't the most interesting post when all I talk about is how pretty it all was, but there it is.

We eventually stopped again, but this time for lunch. I'd really been interested to see Eagle, Colorado, because it plays such a big part in my job on a day to day basis, so we stopped there. Eagle was nice enough, but I don't really get the fuss. I guess it's because Eagle is close to Vail, and that's where all the good skiing is, but still...Eagle just seemed kind of blah to me. Except for the downtown area, which I loved. It was full of personality. We had lunch at a place called The Red Canyon Cafe, and then we stopped into this antique store, where the TM picked up some owl book-ends.

You'll note that starting this day, I'll talk about us stopping at antique stores a lot. We decided that it would be a waste of this giant-ass truck we were driving around mostly empty if we didn't at least LOOK at the antique stores for things that we normally wouldn't be able to get on a vacation.

After lunch, we made the final push toward Denver for the day. We were only about 100 miles away, but we had the scariest portion of the mountains left to drive. I was pretty stunned at the majesty of the mountains we drove toward. It sounds so cheesy, but it's true.

As we drove toward the fabled Eisenhower Tunnel (the highest point in the Interstate Highway system at over 11,000 feet), the mountains grew taller and more snow-topped.

We made another stop at the rest area at Vail Pass. Partly to answer "Nature's Call" but also to enjoy the amazing scenery. The weather wasn't really cooperating with us. When we left the hotel that morning it was 70 degrees. When we ate lunch in Eagle, it was 70 degrees. I'd be amazed if it was higher than 40 degrees at Vail Pass. Oh... and below is a picture of Vail Pass when we got there:

And here is a picture from the exact same spot 5 minutes later. This has not been doctored in any way. Obviously, this didn't fill my soul with quiet since we were driving straight that direction.
I don't have any more photos of the drive into Denver. The reason? Because right after we left Vail Pass we were plunged into a winter storm. That's right.. It was October 8th and we found ourselves in a driving rain/sleet/hail/snow storm as we climbed to the very top of the mountain. Needless to say I was fucking petrified again, and needless to say I was too busy gripping anything I could to take a lot of pictures. It wouldn't have done any good anyway. Here's a re-enactment photo:
Yeah... The TM even had be bust out the video camera again. Clearly I'm like a penguin with a flashlight. I just get distracted enough to ignore my pending doom. In the end, we did survive, and the snow stopped and dried as we descended into the Denver area.

Oh... I should also mention that I am now 2 for 2 in experiencing driving snow on a non-winter cross country road trip. Seems crazy. The last time was May in Wyoming.

We'd planned to meet up with my Aunt Barb, Uncle Lane, and my cousin (and reader) Abbey for dinner the night we arrived into Denver, and because there was no Triple D Restaurant in Denver, we left the location up to Abbey.

She recommended a crazy burger restaurant called the Cherry Cricket which, as it turns out, was featured on 2 other TV shows. Aaron Sanchez recommended it on "Best Thing I Ever Ate" and they also had it on "Man vs. Food", so the place does have some TV credits. Let me tell you... While the Squeeze Inn had all the build-up and anticipation, the Cherry Cricket served the best burger I've ever eaten. It was delicious. The gimmick is that you get a burger, and then choose the toppings a la carte. I had herbed cream cheese, bacon, and green chiles on my burger, and it was fucking delicious.

The TM had some super good, super spicy green chili. Both of our meals are pictures below, along with an order of "Frings" (Fries and Rings):

The bowl of chili really was that size. The TM ended up saving it in a quart container, and finishing it at home a few days later. I can tell you that this was a completely un-anticipated meal, because we didn't even know where we were going until that day, but it was awesome. I'd go there again in a heart beat.

In the end, Day 7 was a pretty great day. We had took a spectacular drive through some of the most beautiful land in America. We saw the best rest area, drove the highest point, and ate the tastiest burger. We saw family, we revisited Denver (one of my 2 favorite cities), and started the longest stretch our our journey along America's first interstate.

It was, indeed, a pretty great day.

Pumpkin Shortage

2010-10-25T23:59:00.005-04:00

The Tofu Muchacha is tough. She has a really good memory (when she chooses) and she really especially enjoys making fun of me when I do something silly.

Last year I heard somewhere that there would be a pumpkin shortage heading into the holidays, so I bought up a couple of extra cans of pumpkin. Not pumpkin pie filling, but pumpkin

A couple of things I should note.

1) There did not appear to be a pumpkin shortage at any point during the holidays last year.

2) Despite the extra pumpkin that was purchased, I did not actually USE the excess pumpkin.

I believe that the TM is of the opinion that my knee-jerk, pumpkin hysteria was ridiculous, and had I really, really needed to make a pumpkin pie, that I would have likely been able to locate a can or two somewhere out there.

So... now whenever possible, she likes to work in the notion that there's a pumpkin shortage. She just thinks it's soooo hilarious.

So anyway, that's just a little story for you.

Oh... here's proof, by the way.

This past Sunday, we got together with our friend Colette and bought some pumpkins and carving kits and we fucking went to town.

The TM had little-to-no experience with the pumpkin carving, because the Halloween holiday wasn't exactly emphasized during her upbringing. We mulled some cider, had some Thai food, and baked some delicious pumpkin seeds. Oh... and we carved some bad-ass pumpkins.

Check them out:First we have the full vista. Each of our pumpkins, completed and sitting in the dining room. Painstakingly photographed by your boy, the Beefy Muchacho. Are they not awesome? Can't tell? Let's take a closer look.

Here's Colette's pumpkin. It's supposed to be a snarling wolf, and while I see that, I also sort of see a snarling bear. Either way, it's pretty effing sweet.

Here's mine. The Headless Horseman in all his terrifying, noggin'-free glory. This is by far the best pumpkin I've ever carved. I am pleased.

Lastly, we have the TM's pumpkin. I'm sure we all could have guessed that she'd carve herself a cat. I think she did an absolutely ass-kicking job for her first try (that she can recall). I'm of the opinion that there's always a place for a cute pumpkin amidst the terrors that typically reign.

That's all... Just needed a brief intermission from the Great Piano Trip blogs, and also wanted to brag a little.

Yes... We used forms to guide our designs. No, that doesn't make me less proud.

Day 6 Battle Mountain to Green River: The Day I Died

2010-10-24T23:47:00.009-04:00

The Ominous Skies outside of Salt Lake City, on October 7th, 2010. The day Beefy Muchacho Died

At the onset of Day 6, the TM and I bounded forth from Battle Mountain as though shot from a dirty, upsetting canon. The stink of B.M. was starting to permeate our very souls, so we got the eff out of there with the quickness of a bunny on coke.

Of course, there wasn't much to see in terms epic scenery out there in the high desert of Nevada, but there was a quiet beauty to the landscape...

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with cowboys. My Grandpa Al was "Dusty" and I was "Danny the Dude". We'd pretend to be camping on the prairie in the family room of their house in Roselawn. My Grandpa Dick was less playful, but just as into Cowboys. His obsession was with Western movies. I loved watching old Eastwood and John Wayne flicks as he tilted back a Little Kings and talked about the Old West.

The High Desert of Nevada was the closest I've ever come to seeing what I remember imagining on the orange shag carpet on Yorkshire Place, playing cowboys with Dusty, or watching John Wayne ride through the plains on his palomino horse. I spent a lot of time on Day 6 feeling nostalgic for my childhood and missing both of my Grandpas.

Of course, it wasn't all a beautiful walk down memory lane. Some of it was also a beautiful walk down The Caffeine Highway in Casino Town. We were still in Nevada, after all, and after a delightful morning of reminiscing, the truck was mighty parched, as were we (too much trail dust in our mouths, probably). We stopped in the gargantuan metropolis known as Elko. Elko is a true oasis in the desert. They had a Sinclair gas station, several casinos, and most delightfully... a Starbucks Coffee.

Actually, it was doubly wonderful, because the Starbucks was IN the fucking casino. I can't tell you how awesome it was playing some penny slots, making more bets on the Reds (I'm sure this one will go better!), and sucking down a no-whip caramel frappuccino.

After leaving Elko with a tank full of petrol, a bellies full of coffee-drink, and a wallet full of sports book tickets, we headed straight to the majestic, regal forward thinking city of Salt Lake. I'd spent a whopping 45 minutes in SLC a couple of years before when I had a very quick layover there, but I was looking forward to experiencing more of its native culture.

Before we could arrive into the fabulous Golden City of Salt Lake, we had to make a trek through the longest portion of highway without an exit in the United States. Thirty Seven barren, service-free miles just East of the Utah border. The Bonneville Salt Flats. I'd read about this stretch of road a few days earlier, and I'd been looking forward to it ever since. The flats were... well.. Flat, for one. For two, they were incredible and vast and white. Oh so white. Some would say the whiteness was symbolic of Salt Lake City itself. I don't know who that would be. Not me, that is for certain.
If you take a look on Google Earth, you can see the Salt Flats. They're that great-big white swath of land West of Salt Lake City.

The reward for our journey through the Desert and Salt was a trip to that Triple-D bastion of Salt Lake Cuisine, The Red Iguana.

One thing you should know about me and the Tofu Muchacha is that we LOVE Mexican food. I mean... They don't call me the Muchacho for nothing. Because of that mighty love of Frijoles and Queso and whatnot, I was very excited to visit The Red Iguana.

I can't say that the restaurant is located in a great neighborhood. It was sketchy, indeed. A little close to the airport. Lots of dog poop on the sidewalk. All of those things you associate with bad neighborhoods.

The Red Iguana was worth the wait. Well... We didn't "wait" at all once we were there, because our lunch turned out to be at like... 2:30 (the mother fucking time change), so we walked right in.
For us, one of the true tests of a good Mexican restaurant is the quality of the chips and salsa. The salsa was great. Smokey and spicy and a little sweet. The chips weren't incredible or anything, but really with salsa that good, who cares? I think the salsa's dark color comes from the smoked ancho chiles, which, if you've seen the Food Network, is constantly said to taste like a spicy raisin.

The TM has two Mexican food weaknesses as far as I can tell.. She loves Chile Relleno and she loves Mole sauce. The Red Iguana is known all over (and was featured on Triple D) for their moles, so she ordered 2 Cheese enchiladas smothered in the Black Mole. Pictured below.

This black mole was really excellent. I'm not really a fan of anise flavor. I think black licorice is disgusting. It says a lot about how complex and interesting this sauce was that I detected anise in the seasoning mix and, not only tolerated it, but really liked it.

I ordered The Red Iguana plate. It offered a combination of various Mexi-Treats such as tacos and flautas and chile rellenos and all that fun stuff. It was also really, really tasty, but I almost regretted not getting a mole. (Oh... in this blog, "Mole" is pronouced "Moe-lay"). You can see some of the assortment below.
Overall I loved the Red Iguana. The food was inexpensive, delicious, and I also loved the atmosphere, which... I'm discovering is a big thing with me. I give The Red Iguana a 9 and the TM gave it a 9 as well.

We finished up at the delectable Red Iguana, full and ready to continue on the drive. We'd originally planned to stop for the night in Provo, Utah. While at lunch, we discussed the relative merits of pushing forward and trying to get as far as we could that day. Provo was only 40 more miles down the road, and we knew we had a bear of a day the next as we made our way to Denver through the Rockies. So... we chose a new stopping point, Green River, Utah. A small town at the point where Highway 6 and The Great Interstate 70 meet. It was only 3:30 or so, and Green River was only about 150 miles down the way.

Little did we know that this decision would be our last.

As we pressed onward, we looked toward the mountains... and where the mountains should have been, we saw only clouds and rain.

As we (by "we", in this case I mean the TM) drove onward into the winding, mountain roads of Highway 6, the rain got harder and the skies got darker. There were points during this last 120 miles where we couldn't see anything at all. Huge semis were passing us in the fast lane, spraying our poor truck with water like a slut at a wet t-shirt contest. We would go around these turns on the slick road, and suddenly there would be a steep descent and just one lane each way. The cars coming the other way, mere feet from us as they passed.

I can't state this adamantly enough.

I was fucking terrified.

I've never been as scared in my life. There were points where the road had some impossible slope downward and had a sudden 90 degree turn at the bottom, which in dry conditions would have been scary enough, but in the driving rain, as darkness was slowly setting in was almost too much for me to handle.

At one point the TM, who pretty much proved that she's the biggest badass on the planet, noticed me LITERALLY clenching up into a ball, suggested that I video the drive just to get my mind off the terror.

I was pretty sure I was going to die. I'm not entirely sure I didn't.

Finally, at the very end of the day, we entered the Book Cliffs, and the rain gave way to one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen. It was incredible.
I was pretty shaken after the ride. There was no point on the trip that I was more glad to see the end of the day. We ended up doing laundry at what turned out to be the nicest Super 8 we stayed in the whole trip. We even got upgraded to a suite with a hot-tub IN the room. It was awesome, and truly a welcome rest after the drive that will certainly haunt my nightmares for years to come.

[EDIT: I forgot to add this yesterday when I posted it, but after we got home, the TM found this about Highway 6 in Utah. ]

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