Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A blessing and a curse

Tonight was my friend Bill's birthday. (Hi Bill!). We went to an Irish bar, had fun playing with party favors, and then went to Game Works, which is sort of an arcade for adults. I mean... they don't ban kids from being there and there's not naked games or anything like that, but they do serve alcohol and whatnot. So anyway, while I was there, I realized something about myself...

I am the most unmarketable talented person ever. By this, I mean that I have certain skills that are far more developed than they reasonably should be, and yet these skills have little to no real-world application. Allow me to provide examples...

1) Pop-a-Shot.
I am the best pop-a-shot player I know. I go on crazy streaks where I beat all challengers for 8-10 games at a time before my arm gets too tired from the ass-whooping I'm handing out. On my birthday, I beat these 3 teenagers who were talking a lot of trash about the chubby white boy. Not only did I beat them. I beat them badly. Today I won 9 out of 10 games, including a 58 point game where the next best competitor had 27. Now... you'd think I was a good basketball player (a marketable skill) and I'm not BAD. I mean...I can shoot just like most white kids of Jewish descent. I've got a sweet stroke, but that doesn't matter because I can't run. I can't jump. I can't play defense. I'm not a good ball handler (that's what she said.) So basically, unless there's a competitive H.O.R.S.E league starting up soon... My pop-a-shot skills do me no good. You can't even win prize tickets at it.

2) Water drop noises.
I always joke that I learned how to make the water droplet noise while in Spanish class my junior year. Well...that's actually true. I sat in the back of class, determined to teach myself how to do it, and after hundreds and hundreds of fruitless flicks to the face, I'd mastered it. Is it a neat parlor trick? Yes. Could I be a stand-in for the Mac Error Noise? Yes. Is it fun to make babies laugh? Yes. Can this go on a resume? Maybe an acting one, but other than that? NO. Same goes with the "Whistle-Hum". It sounds awesome, but unless I'm trying to fool a 7 year old into thinking that I control the elevators in my building, this also has little practical use.

3) Finger tricks.
Another great party trick, but aside from the glee I feel when I really really gross someone out, what good does it do? Well... aside from the ones you may be able to better imagine if you could see them....Ladies.... ehem. In any case, my ability to dislocate my thumbs, or twist my right ring finger all the way around, or flap that finger around like it's dead, or show my loose knuckle joints, or any one of another 20 things....those things get me exactly jack. It's not funny enough to get on some talent show. It's not gross enough to be in Ripley's, and even if it were... are those things in which to aspire?

4) Limitless wealth of trivial knowledge.
I know...I could go on Jeopardy...well...it's not that simple. I am certain that were I to get on the show, I'd at least hold my own. I know there's a lot that goes into it, like timing and whatnot, so I would never be so bold as to make a prediction (for this entirely imaginary act), but I know I'd do well. Certainly not embarassing. So...aside from the one game show that rewards us trivia freaks...what can I do with the Elmer Gantrys and Quetzalcoatls and Wyoming Toads that are floating around in my brain? Nothing. It's just information for the sake of information, which isn't a BAD thing, but it certainly is useless. About the best I can hope for is to get into the Cash Cab with 60 blocks to go. The odds of that are pretty staggering indeed, since I've not been to New York in 10 years, and when I go next week it'll be for a day. Let's not even get into my ridiculously complete knowledge of the secrets of Walt Disney World. There's a whole book on that somewhere. But can I remember something useful like the betting strategies for Craps when I'm going to Vegas in 2 weeks? Nope. Fuck.

5) Amazing Cunnilingus Prowess.
Seriously? What's the point? (Just seeing if you're paying attention. )

Anyone else wanna discuss their useless talents?


Unknown said...

craps strategy for beginners (as i remember it).

Start with a $200-$300 stake (as per Steve-o Grote, former stick man)

place a minimum bet on the pass line (that the new shooter will establish a point, hit 7 or 11, instead of craps).

Once a point is established, take 'odds' on your bet, 1:1. I.E. If you have $5 on the pass line, and the point is established as 6 for example, put another $5 behind your pass line bet.

Don't do any other kinds of bets, no matter how much the dealers harass you.

and IME, there's always room at a cold table, and there's never room at a hot table. it seems the whole trick is getting in on a table just as it starts to get hot, and getting out as soon as it goes cold.

Samantha said...

Random information is never necessarily useless.. Always a good conversation starter. And you never know who you may need to start a random conversation with.. You may find the girl of your dreams or some rich old dame who will leave you all of her money.