Sunday, June 14, 2009

Walt Disney World... For ALIENS

I'm about 4 months away from my next trip to the glorious Walt Disney World.

Because it's starting to loom again, I've been thinking more and more about my plan and more and more about how I want to spend my time once I'm there. The more time I've spent down there, the more creative I've got to be in order to keep finding new things... Don't get me wrong, I could do the traditional tours every day for the rest of my life and be happy, but why?

So I wouldn't call myself jaded, but certainly harder to impress. Lately I've started thinking about what it was like to be a Disney Virgin, and that led me into thinking about the iconic attractions in all of Walt Disney World.

So here it is...

The 5 Attractions I'd recommend to Aliens if they could only experience 5, and wanted to understand the very essence of Walt Disney World. (It's a working title.)

Man...this is really tough. I've consulted Annie from Fend to Blog on this as well, and she's in agreement that this is really difficult. It's almost too confining to someone who cares as much as me. I mean... I LOVE things like the Tomorrowland Transit Authority, and in a way it's very Disney in that no other place would really spend that much time on what is essentially a cute time diversion, but can I really use up one of my 5 items on it? Same with something like Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at the Studios. It's a great ride, and maybe one of the 5 best rides in the joint, but does it scream Disney? I dunno... Here's what I'm gonna do... I'm going to list as many candidates as I can and rate them. Maybe as I go, I'll come up with some sort of criteria.
Whew... Okay... I'll try to be as brief as possible... (stop laughing.)



The Magic Kingdom Candidates


Space Mountain: The PROS: Probably the most famous Disney Roller Coaster. It IS iconic in that everyone knows about Space Mountain. It's an actually exciting ride even once you get past the gimmick of being in the dark. It's one of the oldest rides in the park (1975), so it's popularity is hard to argue with. CONS: Aside from being futuristically themed to fit into the Tomorrowland theming, there's not really a whole lot that says DISNEY here. I'll give it a 7 out of 10.

Splash Mountain: The PROS: It's really popular. It's really fun. It's AMAZINGLY themed. It's long, so you get a ton of bang for your line-waiting buck. CONS: It's based on a somewhat embarrassingly racist movie (Song of the South) and has thus been underplayed for years. Still an 8 out of 10.

Big Thunder Mountain: The PROS: Pretty much everything about Space Mountain is also true about Big Thunder, except it's not as famous. It's faster. CONS: Um... It's basically no different than Space Mountain in terms of what it brings to the table. Good theming. Good ride. Not super Disney-ish otherwise. Maybe a personal favorite, but for this a 6 out of 10.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The PROS: I mean... my god. It's probably the most famous ride at the park. It's the only ride that's spawned a movie franchise. It's a phenomenal example of Disney Theming. The historical impact of this ride (the last one that Walt directly worked on..well..the Disneyland version.) The audio-animatronics are still great. The updates they did to include the movie characters are all smooth. I approve. CONS: Um... Pirates are historically horrible people who probably shouldn't be glorified? That's about it. 9 out of 10.

Haunted Mansion: The PROS: Technologically speaking... it's incredible. The theming is out of this world. The holograms and the special effects are great. The ride cars (Doom Buggies) are one-of-a-kind. The ride incorporates the trademark humor that Disney is known for (an aside: I remember as a kid being scared of pretty much everything, and being super nervous about going into a Haunted House. By the time I exited, I was sold on Disney. It may have been the key moment for me.) CONS: Unlike Pirates, the movie it inspired was really bad. Annie pointed out that there really isn't a true "Disney" connection. It's a bit of a stand-alone. 8 out of 10.

It's a Small World: The PROS: Well... as much as I hate to admit it, this ride is truly iconic. The song alone is world-famous. Mary Blair is an Imagineering Icon. It makes a strong argument. CONS: Unless we want to drive the Aliens insane (and let's be honest, if the aliens want to know about Disney, they can't be all bad), we should probably not subject them to this ride. I've always wondered what sort of horrible thing the cast members there did to get assigned this ride. 7 out of 10. (10 out of 10 on mute, which is sadly impossible.)

Mickey's PhilharMagic: The PROS: This is the newest attraction on the Magic Kingdom list, and it really deserves some kind of consideration. The 3-D elements to this are the most well done I've ever seen. They're seemless. In terms of Disney character incorportation, it doesn't get any better. There's a great story to it. It never fails to make me a little emotional. CONS: I will admit that I absolutely hate the queue line for this ride. I've never had to wait long, because the thing seats so many people and I go early in the day, but the ventilation in there just isn't good. 8 out of 10.

The Enchanted Tiki Room: The PROS: It was one of Walts favorites. The original music (In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room!) is classic and extremely catchy. The bird animatronics were revolutionary (The birds BREATHE for god's sake.) CONS: It's not the original version anymore. Iago is annoying. It hardly has the same feel as the original. 5 out of 10.



Epcot Candidates


Soarin': The PROS: An absolutely breathtaking ride in a totally unexpected way. It's as peaceful a thrill ride as you can ever find. The ride mechanics are the only ones like it in the world (aside from it's twin in California). The fully sensory experience is very Disney in that Disney's goal is to completely immerse a visitor from start to finish. CONS: Nothing really "Disney" about it, aside from a trip to Disneyland at the end. The lines can be oppressive, and while the theming isn't bad, it's a little boring. 8 out of 10.

Spaceship Earth: The PROS: It's housed inside one of the most famous landmarks within all of WDW. (The big golf ball). Some of the refurbishments are really good. CONS: Overall, the refurb took away from it a bit. I miss the music. I miss Jeremy Irons. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic. 6 out of 10.

Test Track: The PROS: It definitely falls into the "Education is FUN!" genre that Disney seems to have perfected over the years. It has one of the best queue lines around. It's definitely fun to ride too. CONS: It's been sponsored by GM since it was built in the late 90s, and let's be honest... I'm not sure what the future of the Test Track is now that GM has fallen apart. I'd be a little nervous that I'd introduce this great ride to Disney Virgin Aliens and then it'd be gone when they came back. 7 out of 10.

Journey into Imagination: The PROS: FIGMENT!!! EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Okay... I'm the biggest Figment the Imagination Dragon fan in the world. I love him. He's aDORable! And he's a creation of the Disney Imagineers completely. The ride never has a wait, and it's air conditioned, which makes it extremely hot-day friendly. One of the greatest theme park songs of all (I have the Sheet Music!!) CONS: Many people believe this current incarnation is inferior to the original, but the Dream Catcher was creepy to me. PUT THAT ROTTEN TOMATO DOWN!! 7 out of 10.

Honey I Shrunk the Audience: The PROS: More really excellent 3-D effects than any other attraction. The interactive quality of it with the moving seats and the smells they pipe in is really entertaining. CONS: I have a hard time ever thinking about this space without thinking about Captain EO, which is weird. It's a fairly dated attraction now. I don't think that Honey I Shrunk the Kids has the legendary status you'd like with a permanent attraction. 6 out of 10.

World Showcase. The PROS: This is probably cheating by grouping them all together, but it's just a really fantastic attraction overall, and while I don't think that any individual piece is grand enough to discuss out of context, when taken as a whole, it's amazing. You have everything... Great restaurants. Great shops. Educational, yet breathtaking movies. Rides. It's a great slice of Americana (in that it's these Americanized versions of these places, fully sanctioned by the places.) CONS: It's big? I dunno. It's the best. 10 out of 10.



Disney's Hollywood Studios Candidates


Rock 'n' Roller Coaster: The PROS: As I mentioned above, it's a great ride. Probably the most exciting in terms of traditional ride types at the entire place. The theming is great. The connection with Aerosmith is really fun... but CONS: As I said... it's not really Disney. Really this is the same problem with everything at this park. This is the Park least connected to Disney (tonally) in general. 6 out of 10.

Tower of Terror: The PROS: As thrilling, in it's way, as any ride in WDW. (Especially if you like repeated plummets to certain death...which I don't.). It has arguably the most extensive and detailed theming of any ride in theme park history, and theming is what sets Disney apart from all the rest. The attention to detail is outstanding. They also created this randomized ride system that is pretty one-of-a-kind. CONS: Scary as fuck. Not really Disney. 8 out of 10.

The Great Movie Ride: The PROS: At one point, this was my favorite ride. I loved it. It has a great nostalgic feel to it that isn't really re-created anywhere else at the park. It shows a real love of the movies and movie magic. CONS: Most of the movies it discusses aren't Disney movies. The quality of the performers has significantly decreased in the last few years. 5 out of 10.

Lights! Motors! Action!: The PROS: It's probably the most advanced automobile stunt show I've ever seen. It's got some crazy good effects. CONS:.... NOT DISNEY. I mean... it's got the elements of the things Disney is famous for (the attention to details. The showmanship. The technologically superior presentation, but it's not Disney specific in terms of content (aside from a cameo from Herbie.) 6 out of 10.



Animal Kingdom Candidates:


Dinosaur!: The PROS: It's a great ride. It's really exciting. (Though it shakes you around pretty good.) It's got a Disney theme to it (The movie Dinosaur! is prominently featured in terms of the story), even if that theme was added retroactively. The queue line has one of my favorite in-joke "easter egg" type things I know, which is a true hallmark of Disney creativity. That's one of the things I love most about Disney... They layer so many elements into an attraction that they can be enjoyed multiple times. In this case there are red and yellow pipes running along the queue area, and they have a chemical equation on them. It turns out that the red one is labled with the chemical equation for Ketchup and the yellow one for Mustard. LOVE it! Also, the ride vehicles themselves constitute some of the most advanced ride technology ever created. If I told you, after riding that ride, and the ground is completely level, smooth concrete, you'd never believe me, and that has to do with the ride vehicles. CONS: I can't really think of any. It's kind of dark, thematically (the original title was "Countdown to Extinction", before the movie Dinosaur came out.) It can be scary for kids. 8 out of 10.

Expedition Everest: The PROS: It's the best pure ride in the park. The theming is incredible, and the look of it is beautiful. There's a term in the Disney-verse for landmarks that draw crowds from a distance. They call these "Weenies". This is the ultimate Weenie. You can see it from almost anywhere in the park, and it looks AMAZING. This is another example of exemplary ride technology as well. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a roller coaster of this type going backward and forward with this much precision. THE TRACK MOVES!! Oh, and also it has the worlds most advanced audio-animatronic figure in The Yeti. CONS: Again... pretty scary for kids, but I'm a great big roller coaster pussy and I love it. 10 out of 10.

Kilimanjaro Safari: The PROS: This is one of the most unique experiences you can have at Disney World. It's difficult to describe how cool it is to be THAT close to animals you usually would only see on TV. That's sort of the essence of the Disney experience at it's very heart. CONS: This is going to sound crazy, but the most "Disney" part of the attraction is also the dumbest part. The "Save Little Red" storyline is dumb. I think that Disney seems to get this, though as it felt pretty downplayed the last couple of times I've ridden. Some of my fellow readers will disagree about how cool this ride is, but I am going to chalk that up to we Cincinnatians being jaded to seeing live animals since we have a great Zoo here. 8 out of 10.

Festival of the Lion King: The PROS: This is probably the best live show at any of the parks. The music and characters are straight from the movie, and are so popular and so recognizable. I'm rarely moved by the sappy "Kid sees their favorite characters for the first time" bit, but this show gets to me more than most. The ability of the performers varies from cast to cast, but all are working on a high level. CONS: Um... it's hard to put my finger on, but I guess I've always felt that no matter how great a show it, it's still barely more than a diversion. That's probably why I don't have any night shows or parades listed. 7 out of 10.

It's Tough to be a Bug: The PROS: The setting (inside the Tree of Life) is extremely cool and dramatic. The theming is awesome. (I especially love the fake movie posters in the queue area). The effects are pretty good. The Hopper animatronic figure is CRAZY cool. It's fun to watch the little kids freak the fuck out when he shows up. CONS: Kids freak the fuck out. The show's a little short, so unless the wait is short too... it's hard to justify. The film could use some cleaning...it's getting old. 7 out of 10.

Phew... this has become insane..

So here's where we stand:

DEFINITELY IN (1o out of 10s)
EXPEDITION EVEREST (Animal Kingdom)
WORLD SHOWCASE (Epcot)

ALSO IN (9 out of 10)
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

That leaves me 2 spots to fill and the following choices that received 8 out of 10s:
Kilimanjaro Safari
Dinosaur!
Tower of Terror
Soarin'
Mickey's PhilharMagic
Haunted Mansion
Splash Mountain

Gosh this is hard. (That's what she said...)

Okay... so here's what I'm going to do I'm going to create 5 categories and give them a gut feeling rating (out of 10) in all 5. The 2 with the highest Aggregate Score get selected.

The Categories Are:
Icon Status: Would someone who had never been to Disney World before have the slightest idea of what this was by just hearing the words?
Uniqueness: Can a ride like this be found anywhere else?
Details: What kind of Disney-esque elements are added that set it apart from similar rides elsewhere?
Nostalgic Feelings: When I think about going to Disney on my darkest days, do I think about this ride?
Disney Essence: Does something about this ride say "Disney"? Be it characters, or technology, or theming?

Kilimanjaro Safari
ICON: 4
UNIQUE: 8
DETAILS: 5
NOSTALGIA: 7
ESSENCE: 7
TOTAL: 31

Dinosaur!
ICON: 3
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 6
NOSTALGIA: 5
ESSENCE: 6
TOTAL: 29

Tower of Terror
ICON: 8
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 10
NOSTALGIA: 3
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 38

Soarin'
ICON: 7
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 8
NOSTALGIA: 10
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 42

Mickey's Philharmagic
ICON: 2
UNIQUE: 7
DETAILS: 7
NOSTALGIA: 8
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 32

Haunted Mansion
ICON: 9
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 9
NOSTALGIA: 10
ESSENCE: 7
TOTAL: 44

Splash Mountain
ICON: 9
UNIQUE: 8
DETAILS: 10
NOSTALGIA: 5
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 40

So here they are Folks


The 5 Attractions that Most Encapsulate the Disney Experience:


Expedition Everest



Epcot's World Showcase



Soarin'



Pirates of the Caribbean



Haunted Mansion

7 comments:

djphob said...

I'm going to keep a Notepad file open on to keep notes on my response so this could get long...

I thought about Small World, definitely. I mean, maybe that's the kind of music aliens are into, we don't know. And Mary Blair is awesome. It'd be like a little briefing on the people of Earth. Philharmagic is awesome but if you were an alien and didn't know the movies, I'm wondering if it would be confusing (this could be a sign that I'm looking too far into this...).

Oh no you did NOT just call Spaceship Earth a big golf ball... Is the end music still there? I have the mp3 if you want it! Then you could just pop on your iPod when you ride and hear it! Hey, that's kind of a cool idea actually. They should offer that.

World Showcase all lumped together? How can anything beat that? Maybe it would be funny to send them on Mission to Mars?

DHS, I'd have to say Tower of Terror. The theming really is amazing. Except it may be a disaster if the aliens' ride car breaks down and some creepy dude silently drives them into a back room and scares them all. Because that happened to me. And if I had never been there, I would've thought, 'This place is scary. I'm OUT.'

"[Dinosaur] can be scary for kids." It is TERRIFYING.

The only complaint I have about your final five is that none are from any animated classics. I would have panned Soarin' or Haunted Mansion in favor of Splash Mountain.

djphob said...

Should've said none IS. Oops.

(Word verification is "licished". If that's not a real word, it should be.)

Kasmira said...

I'm glad you took the time to write this (and that I took the time to read it). :)

I'm looking forward to the top 5 attractions you've listed that I haven't done:

Expedition Everest
Soarin' (although the sign looks really gay)

BTW, how similiar is Expeiditon Everest to The Matterhorn?

djphob said...

I think I'm gonna have to answer that one, I don't believe Dan has ridden the Matterhorn (loser!). Its very similar as far as theming is concerned but that's about it. Same concept, you're in the mountains, there's snow, and there's a yeti. Other than that they're pretty different. The Matterhorn has small trains of cars similar to the ones on Space Mountain and dual tracks, Everest has more modern trains and just one track. Everest is definitely more thrilling, I would say. But the Matterhorn is cool because it feels kind of dated--they definitely don't make coasters like that so much anymore, and its really cool the way you fly through all these snowy caves. Plus in the end you go through some water. And there you have it. It wouldn't be wrong to call Everest something of a modernized Matterhorn.

Beefy Muchacho said...

Okay... Annie...

1) I wasn't myself calling it Spacehip Earth "the big golf ball" but I was trying to speak the normal people's language. Obviously, if we're talking Aliens, calling something "Spaceship Earth" isn't gonna cut it. This is all based on the presupposition that aliens know golf.

2)I agree that Mary Blair is awesome in her own way, and that Small World could be the perfect thing, but I jut can't take the chance that the song will drive the Aliens view it as an InterPlanetary act of War or something.

3)Lumping all of the World Showcase is definitely unbeatable, but how else would you do it? I don't think you can even really consider any piece separately, but it's so much of the Disney Experience as a whole.


4) That is a FANTASTIC idea for Spaceship Earth... Like "Spaceship Earth: Retro". Maybe they can create a 3-D environment for it...and put it at Disney Quest. OHH!! Maybe they can do it for all retired and re-done rides. Mr. Toad Fans!!! Rejoice!!!

5) Splash Mountain was pretty much first alternate, and I agree that the Disney Characers make it an important addition. I just can't in good conscience remove any of the current top 5. I know... fucking torture.

Kasmira...

Thanks for commenting!

You're right, the sign for Soarin' does look really gay, but there aren't really any pictures of the actual ride that are in any way evocative of the ride itself. This is almost why I am including it in the 5. It's so singular that even pictures don't do it justice.

As for Matterhorn v. Everest, Annie pretty much answered that, but while I've never ridden the Matterhorn, I am going to disagree that it's the same theme. It's the same theme in the same way that Splash Mountain and Big Thunder Mountain are the same theme because they're both "Mountains". The Matterhorn is themed after a Swiss Ski Lodge in the Alps, and the ride vehicles are Tobogans. Everest is Mount Everest in the Himalayas (pronunciations may vary) and the ride vehicle is themed like a train going up the mountain.

Same theme...pfft.

djphob said...

Well, having ridden the Matterhorn, I can tell you that if they changed the signage (and dressed the cast members in something other than lederhosen) and told you it was Mt. Everest, you'd believe it. And there's a Yeti! And its a giant mountain you ride around in. A snowy mountain. With a yeti. In a ride world where toboggans and spaceships are of the same construct, I don't think there's room to be so persnickety. Big Thunder and Splash have different themes and ride vehicles--runaway mine train vs. trying to kill a rabbit. Log flume vs. coaster. Forest animals singing vs. old mining equipment. When you put those two against each other, Matterhorn and Everest are remarkably more similar, no?

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