Blog Failure

Here’s the blog where I finally break the internet by holding the mirror up to the mirror.

I’m always thinking about blog topics, especially now that I have the pressure of having to get at least one posted per week. About 2 weeks ago, I started noting how annoyed I was getting at commercials, and how they always seem to play into the same base desires of people. I found it insulting that they seemed to be saying that all women could be plied with chocolate and diamonds. That all men just wanted to avoid their women. That women’s problems were trivial enough that a good shopping trip could solve them. That men were essentially alcoholic morons.

I started thinking that I wanted to turn that observation into a blog entry. I’ve been working on it all week, and it never came together. It eventually became something weird about how people take the easy jokes instead of pushing themselves to be more creative.

There were points where I was writing whole television commercials and Jay Leno monologues and  I went into this whole long rant about this dude I used to work with who sang “Danny Boy” at me every day (because my name is Dan.)

The problem with this idea, is that it was just an idea. I didn’t have a real coherent concept behind it, so while I could come up with a couple of cute quips, I was basically doing what I was criticizing. There wasn’t any real insight to what I was writing, so I was just super rambling and unfocused. It never really came together

Of course, what is a blog if not hyper self aware, so I've decided to post the shitty, unfinished blog and let you all see a little bit of my process.

Here’s my blog about way too many things, while at the same time not being about enough. I can’t figure out how to say what I want in an entertaining way. I worked it over 4 or 5 times, and it still sucks, but hopefully that’s kind of interesting in itself.

In italics are the original blog. In regular type are my retrospective comments on said failed blog attempt.

#####

What compels us to take the easy road? I mean… aside from it being easy.

Here’s every commercial targeted at women on TV right now:

“Whoa ladies, chill the fuck out! Since you don’t have real problems, have this delicious chocolate! That should calm your simple little brain. “

“What’s that? The chocolate didn’t do the trick? How about everyone’s guilty pleasure… Shopping! Oh, don’t you worry about that job interview. Nothing can cure a shitty day like buying some shoes! Am I right?”

“Now that you’re bellies are full of chocolate, and your feet are swathed in soft, supple leather, it’s time for some kayaking… you know… since it’s your time of the month. So, put on some white pants and have a fucking ball!”

It’s right about here where I start to lose my train of thought. I mix up tampons and Valtrex. I got too amused with my fake lady commercials and I miss my own point.

It’s not just the ladies… Here’s every commercial targeted at men:

Hi Men… Women are the worst! Have a beer in your man cave while you plan your golf outing.

I toyed with “Hi Men, Women are the Worst!” and just leaving it at that. I think that would have been better.

You know who should be insulted most? Creativity.

The same products going back to the same tired wells over, and over, and over again.

Of course, it’s as much our fault as theirs… We all let them get away with it, by going to Facebook and posting about how we “Need… Chocolate….Now.” or “Just had a fight with [our] boss, so [we} bought some new shoes and [we’re] feeling better already.”

Weak examples. I’m not sure why I decided on these. I think I tried being vague so as not to point fingers at specific people.

I’d wanna say that we’re better than that, but maybe I’m not so sure. If we truly were better than that, we wouldn’t be bombarded with the lowest common denominator advertising.  Why are we not demanding more?

I get frustrated, though, because even though the creative option is right there for the taking, everyone reaches for the “low hanging fruit”. It’s just all so fucking lame and tired and easy.

I keep wanting to make a “Low hanging fruit” joke, but I never get around to it.

It’s not just advertising, though. There’s absolutely nothing I hate more than the guy who constantly makes the easiest joke. I dunno.. I’m a snob I guess. What fun is it to make the first joke that comes to your mind? It doesn’t take skill, or smarts, or timing to hear someone say something is “hard” and throw out a “that’s what she said”… It requires no more thought than saying the pledge of allegiance. We hear the key word, and our mouth starts moving before even considering the how fucking lazy it is... I admit it… I do it do, but I try not to. I try to let someone else take the easy joke.

Don’t worry… Someone will make the joke. You won’t be left hanging. You know these people. They laugh at their own jokes. They hear that my name is Dan, and they sing “Danny Boy” as a greeting. They speak in made-up accents, and use tired puns, and generally try working the room like it’s fucking 1964 in the Catskills. You get the idea that they walk around hearing the rimshots as they spew quotes from Anchorman.

I like this portion of the blog. It’s not at all what I planned to write, but I find it at least vaguely promising, conceptually. The douchebag who personifies the copier guy on SNL. Always saying the dumbest, easiest thing possible.

They watch Jay fucking Leno.

Once upon a time, I thought Jay Leno was funny… but then I  turned 12, and realized that if I read the newspaper, I could literally play Celebrity/Joke Book mad libs, and figure out his monologue every night.

What’s that? Lindsay Lohan does drugs? The joke becomes:

 “So…did you hear this new thing about Lindsay Lohan? Apparently her drug problem has gotten so bad, she was recently seen snorting Splenda. Yeah… Well.. She heard it was Diet Coke!”

This was originally a Whitney Houston joke, but after she died, I felt the need to change it. I guess mentioning that now sort of undercuts the gesture. Sorry..

It’s cute, but it’s not funny. It’s not clever. It’s an easy joke, but it’s not comedy.

So anyway… It’s no surprise that companies advertise to our stereotypes. We let them.

Longest digression ever? Perhaps.

Doritos thinks they’re being original by having a murdering dog bribe a man with chips, but really they’re just doing the whole “Men are dumb and are always swayed by their libido and their appetites” bit. Also falling into this category are the “Nationwide” commercials where the dumbasses conjure food and prostitutes by singing the jingle. GoDaddy thinks they’ll sell domain names simply based on the promise of Danica Patrick under-cleavage. Taco Bell constantly depicts morons who are so blinded by the desires of their stomachs that they can’t make it out of the car before eating their girlfriend’s Chalupa.

Another example of some sort of riff where I don’t really know what I’m saying, so I hope the volume and turn of phrase sort of masks that point. I do like the phrase “under-cleavage”a fair amount.

#####
And that’s where I stopped. I couldn’t figure out how to get back to the main idea. I wasn’t even still sure the main idea had enough meat to make a full blog out of it. Seems more like a short bit in a hacky stand-up special, which… kind of undercuts my point about taking the easy way, doesn’t it?

Like… Even my observations on taking the easy way were easy.

 It’s my preference to post blogs that are fully formed, and edited and gone over a few times, but sometimes it’s not in the cards. This week, I tried making a blog out of some half-baked ideas and unfocused thoughts, and I failed.  It’s kind of a bummer, but it is a part of the process.

Next week?

The Disney E-mails return for “Proposed Attractions” where I post a couple of original concepts for Disney attractions, and I poll the readers on the best one.

Improving on the Silence

This past weekend, The Tofu Muchacha and I ventured to the delightfully temperate and not-at-all humid North of Southern Michigan for the First Annual Three Oaks Creativity Weekend.

This event was organized and hosted by the great Gregg and Caroline Fraley. They invited creative minds from around the country (and the world, really) including myself and the TM, and had 19 of us RSVP. I admit to feeling a bit of trepidation about the weekend in the time leading up to it. I like to think of myself as being creative, but there's a big different between a self-gloss and being thrown into a group of people who make their livings being creative and teaching other people to be creative. It's daunting.

Well... I can say unequivocally that while it WAS intimidating at different points, when I was confronted with something truly profound (I'll get to it), it was also the most warm and encouraging group I've been a part of in a really long time. If there was ever a group in which to take some big risks in creation, this was it.

TM and I did a cold read of a small portion of a play we're thinking about presenting to our local theatre group, and we got truly invaluable feedback, support, and suggestions. I feel that we now have a much clearer direction in terms of how to make this, basically unpolished, play work for a real audience. In that completely selfish way I really couldn't be more grateful.

Aside from our personal contribution to the group, we also experienced some really interesting workshops. Units presented by people at the absolute peak of their creative fields.

I will talk about what I feel I can fairly discuss without betraying the privacy of the proceedings...

I learned, on an extremely basic level, how to paint on water or "Suminagashi". Let me tell you that this is something that BLOWS MY MIND. I am so drawn to it as an art form, and yet after seeing the advanced, amazing professional prints by our teacher (Amy Lee Segami) I realize it's an art form where there is no pending mastery. I have the basic idea of it, and yet I look at her work and think "How in the hell did she even start to do that?". That's the kind of art I want to be a part of. I have already ordered my first bottle of Sumi Ink.... It's just the combination of technical, beautiful, metaphorical, and meditative that I really seek in an art I want to work at. I really look forward to e-mailing Amy with my questions and continuing to explore the world of suminagashi.

I learned about the brainstorming technique known as the "Cafe". It's a method of creating a dialogue that is less about solving an ultimate problem, but coming up with as many possible factors. I like that the interpretation of ideas and more of a dialogue ABOUT ideas. I don't know that I'm really explaining it in any real coherent way, but I really found the freedom of dialogue without being tasked to find solution very liberating. This was led by Paula Rosch, who was there with her husband Frank... two of the nicest people I've met in quite a long time, and both of home contributed a great deal to my experience over the weekend.

I have never been much of a meditation guy... I have a very difficult time leaving my mind out of my mind.. if that makes sense. I have a tough time clearing my head. Well... I met a guy named Joe (from New Jersey... I wish I got his last name... I hate being inconsistent), who is essentially an expert at meditation, with his preferred vehicle for it being the Labyrinth. There are many kinds of Labyrinths... Gregg and Caroline have one (originally laid out by Joe himself) on their farm. TM and I missed the initial "Lab" session on Friday because of a long drive after work, but I had one of the most interesting meditation sessions I've ever had the next day in what was more of a quadrant labyrinth. Joe has this interesting way of starting the process, that I found more effective than any other I've tried... Basically putting yourself into the labyrinth and then taking yourself back out of it. I know that doesn't make sense on the page, but it worked. I found myself working into some real moments of clarity. I think the process Joe laid out really engaged a more logical part of my brain by breaking down the meditation into steps. I'd not experienced that before, and I found it very useful..

Perhaps the most interesting experience I had was the one I can probably discuss the specifics of the least. Mark D'Alessio was someone I would have liked to talk to more over the course of the weekend, as he nearly always said something of value, but spoke about half as much as anyone else. Maybe he's the smart one. Mark, it also should be noted, seems to get a lot out of Silence retreats. Something I'm not sure I could do at all. He's getting ready to do an 8-day retreat, and I wish him luck. Anyway... He introduced us to a method of problem solving that is so simple, you feel like it's been around for hundreds of years... Oh wait... It HAS been around for hundreds of years. He introduced us to the Quaker concept of the "Committee". The most simple explanation is that a person with a decision, problem, question, issue selects a "committee" of his/her peers to essentially act as interrogators, without the interrogation. The committee is only permitted to ask "honest" questions, which means that they are questions for which the asker has no agenda and doesn't already know the answer. The questioning is intentionally paced with pauses for silence and the Focus Person has the option to take as much time as needed to answer (or not answer). There are never any suggestions or opinions given. It's primarily intended to provide the person with the problem with the means to work out the problem on their own, using questions asked of them that have no agenda and no desired response. It was incredibly powerful as a way to work out a problem, and I found it really interesting. I can't go into the specifics of this particular experience, but I hope to have another opportunity to be a part of it.

I'm leaving people out, and experiences out, but it's late and I'm not sure I could really get more in depth even if I wanted to... I'm still processing a lot of it.

It was a really interesting and valuable weekend, and I hope that I justified my spot in the group in some small way... I hope to get a chance to go to another of these in the future, and experience the full retreat. Good times. Good times.

Oh...and the picture at the top is the result of a group painting exercise presented by the very interesting Whitney Ferre... She didn't arrive until they day we left, and I wish she'd arrived sooner. She seems to have a really interesting viewpoint on the place of art in the overall creative process.

Recent Activities

My apologies for the lack of posting the last few days... I'll be back blogging around on Wednesday evening... Here are the things I'll be discussing...

- Time Travel questions raised by Hot Tub Time Machine.

- My eyelid has decided to stage a revolt.

- A book review of The Forest of Hands and Teeth.

- More rants on the behavior of other people's kids

- A review of the Denver Zoo.

- The opening day of baseball season.

Also, I'm tossing around a writing idea that would be a bit larger in scale. If anyone is interested in reading it piece by piece as it evolves, let me know. Maybe the knowledge that people are reading will make me actually do my page per day.

That should keep me busy for a while.

A Cat Conversation, Episode 2

They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

It is a partly cloudy Sunday morning as Bear, noblest of cats, lounges on the back deck of his caretaker's home. He is full from a feast of the freshest toon-toons and Iams. As the sun breaks through the trees, and the mosquitoes lightly buzz by his head, a disturbance in the foliage to the right slightly catches his attention.

Suddenly, out bounds Sammie. Sammie is a cat who can best be described as "resting on his looks". The caretaker has taken a fancy to him due to his perma-kitten features, but Bear has little patience for his perpetual stupidity...

Sammie: Hehwoooaaaahhhh Behweeee!

Bear: For the love of God... It's Bear. BEAR. It's not that hard to say.

Sammie: Dats whut I am sayin' Behwie. (Slowly, deliberately...) Beh -- wie. See?

Bear: (Sighs) What do you want Samuel?

Sammie: Behwie.. I seen me wunna dem fiwfy snakes swiverin' aw ovew da' pwace. I want you to hehwp me catched it!

Bear: Did you say Snake?

Sammie: Yep. I seen that siwwy fing swippin' an' swidin' aww ovew da' pwace just a few bits ago!

(Bear's ears perk up. He loves catching snakes)

Bear: Samuel, now you're speaking my language. Or well... an approximation of it. I'll tell you what. You show me where you saw this snake, and I'll show you how to catch the filthy thing.

Sammie: You wiwwy mean it Behwie!? Dat would be da bestest day of my wife!

Bear: I really mean it. Let's go!

(Sammie and Bear trot around to the front yard where another of their housemates, Smunchy, is dozing on the hood of the caretaker's car. They take no notice of him.)

Sammie: (pointing a wet paw) Do you see it Behwie?? It's white dehr!

(Bear looks to where Sammie is pointing. Sighs deeply)

Bear: Samuel... that's a fucking garden hose. God I hate you sometimes.

Sammie: No! No Behwie! Wite necks to da gawden hoes! He's wite dehr!

Bear: (Looking again, finally sees a flick of scaly tale slip between the coils of the hose). Well.. I'll be damned. Good work Samuel! Okay... You ready for a lesson?

Sammie: (barely containing his glee) Oh Behwie! I been waitin' my hoe wife!

Bear: (Chuckling) Okay okay... Calm down. You have to be quiet and still to catch a snake. They're sneaky bastards. Now... crouch down my friend....

Sammie: (with tears in his eyes) Am I wiwwy yew fwiend Behwie?

Bear: (Smiling) You're really my friend Sammie. Now... you ready? Let's catched us a snake...

As the theme music swells, we see the two friends bound into action...


They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

Shortly after writing the first Cat Conversation, Bear the Cat passed away unexpectedly. I didn't know him long, but in the time I did he captured my imagination with his spunk and personality. He was a truly sweet cat, and I know he'll be missed.

The above picture is of Bear sitting by one of those filthy bastard snakes he liked catching so much.

Cat Conversations

They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

Bear, a cat of regal bearing, lounges on the front stoop of his caretaker's house. A beam of sunlight shines across him as he dozes. The breeze ruffles gently through the grass and garden in front of him. It is idyllic.

Suddenly the peace is disturbed by another cat, one with a face almost humanlike, bounding out of the foliage to the left. This is Sammie.

Sammie: Heewwwhooooaaaa Behweeeee!

Bear: (Sighing) Fuck.

Sammie: Behwie! Wets go huntin' mo'es! I fink it's time I catched me one!

Bear: Can't you see I'm resting you ridiculous animal? Does it look like I want to go hunting moles right now?

Sammie: Come AWN Behwie! It'ew be fun! We can catch dem. And pway wif dem. And wick dem. And eat dem wike we eat da toon toons.

Bear: I'll tell you what, Samuel. If you catch a mole all by yourself, I'll play with it with you. But first you have to do me a favor.

Sammie: Anyfing fo you Behwie. Anyfing.

Bear: I need you to scratch my ears. These fucking mosquitos are absolutely killing me.

Sammie: Shur fing! I wike skwatching you-aw eaws anyway. It makes me giggle. (Commences scratching).

Bear: Oh....shitttt. That's the stuff. That's perfect. You're not all bad Samuel. You're not all bad.

Sammie: Oh FANK YOU Behwie! FANK YOU! (Goes up behind Bear and hugs him... after a moment he gets a little over zealous and bites Bear in the neck.)

Bear: Whoa whoa. You're welcome. Stop trying to fuck me you damned perv. Now go get that mole. I'll be right here waiting to play when you get back.

Sammie: You wiwy mean it Behwie? Wast time you toad me dat you went inside befowh I could catched me one.

Bear: I think you're misremembering. Go on! Go "catched you a mo'e." (aside) Christ.

Sammie: Okay Behwie. You pwomised dis time! (Bounds away) Wheeeee!

Bear waits 5 beats or so and walks around to the cat door into the house.

Bear: (to himself) What an idiot.

They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

On a Mission

I guess I can be kinda single-minded sometimes.

After doing that "Mature" survey last week, and then being sorely disappointed in the whole thing, because let's face it... it was as lame as every other survey, I've been on a hunt for an actually interesting one. I'm not going to make my blog a survey machine or anything, but until my shows are over (Saturday!!) I'm not going to have a ton of time to ruminate on other things, so call it laziness or whatever you want, but here's the best one I've found so far. If I don't find one better by the weekend, I'm doing my own. (I know Annie... I've said it before.)

Oh and also... If anyone thinks this isn't just an excuse for me to talk about myself in some sort of pseudo-introspective way...you've not been reading my blog very long.

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

I guess I'd have to say that it's harder for me to look someone in their eyes when I'm telling them how I feel. It's odd though, when I'm telling someone how I feel I usually have a very strong urge to look straight at them, and when I'm listening, I want to look away. It always ends up being the opposite in practice.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?

I've been pretty mad at work a few times lately, but not like REALLY angry. I don't know. My mom has made me pretty upset, but that's more exasperation than anger. I don't think I get super angry very often.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

Before I answer this, I wanna know why the question feels compelled to provide a city pair for this imaginary flight. I think the situation would be the same whether I was on an 8 hour flight (like the one mentioned) or a 2 hour flight like Cincinnati to Orlando (far more plausible for me.) I mean.. come on Survey! Get out of your own way...you're doing so much better than the others so far.

Aaaaaanyway... I'm not sure I could call anyone in my family. I mean... my first inclination would be to call my dad, but if I'm reading the rules right I would only be able to talk to him, and then my mom would live with the idea that I didn't call her, and Dee Anne too... not that she'd expect she'd be the first call, but I wouldn't like knowing there was that proximity without being able to talk. Maybe Briana... Because she's my sister and I think I could say everything I needed to say to her, and she'd report it faithfully to all of the parties and nobody would feel slighted. Then again... maybe I'd call someone totally random... like I'd just call work or something. Tough question.

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (B) What do you do with your remaining days? (C) Would you be afraid?

This is a good survey so far, but dark...geez.
a) I tell at least a couple of people. I don't know who, but I don't think I could keep it to myself. I do like attention sometimes...
b) I'd first make sure that everyone important to me knew exactly how much they mean to me. The challenge there is to do so in a way that isn't obvious or just because I'm dying (even though technically I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't). People need to know they're loved. Then I'd go to Disney.
c) I think so.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?

I think that if it means I'm only capable of one or the other, I'd go with love. If it means I'd only be either trusted or loved, I'd still go with love... I think. I don't necessarily think they are mutually exclusive.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. Do you save the dog?

I absolutely save the dog. No question. No choice at all. And c'mon... if your boss is the kind of person to fire you when you show up soaking wet, covered in dog hair, after saving a pooch... that job sucks anyway.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?

I don't know... It's never been an issue before. Guilt does tend to make me sick, so I guess if it did happen, I'd eventually come clean, but I've never had the urge to cheat.

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

I don't think so. That's not always the answer, but in this case... when the person in question didn't want to be living anyway, I think I'd keep my year.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I try to be that kind of friend. I really try. Sometimes I fail... I recently missed out on something particularly important because I was bad at communicating. It makes me really sad actually.

10. Does love = sex?

I mean... the simplest answer is no. Love does not equal sex. I do think that sex is an important aspect of romantic relationships. Not just the having of sex, but the not having as well. Lack of sex can sometimes be a telling sign of problems. Sometimes it can be a sign of respect, or sincerity, or true feelings. Often sex and love aren't tied at all, and that creates problems too... People feel used, or neglected, or objectified. It's not a simple answer at all though... Sex and Love are related, but they are not equal. They can't be.

11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

No. I've been without a job, and it absolutely sucks, but unless you know for a fact they'd do the same for you... It's too hard to find a job these days.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?

Wednesday night of this week. And as for "how"? I guess only time will tell. My general feeling on the subject is that it's always better to lay it out there and hope they can handle it, as opposed to keeping it in and feeling all bound up.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

Definitely the latter. If I love someone, they'll know it soon enough. I have a difficult time keeping that particular light under that particular bushel. It hasn't happened often, though, which is good. On the other hand... I am absolutely terrible at telling people bad news when emotions are involved. Or at least when I know them personally. I think I'd be a great patient advocate at a hospital, because I hear I'm very comforting, but when my own feelings are part of it, when it's something that I am doing directly... it's hard for me.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

I think my voice. Not just singing, but in general. I talk a lot. I love the English language. I love being able to articulate my thoughts as they are happening. That would be very difficult.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Wednesday night as well. A different portion of Wednesday night. I'll just say that I have good friends and I love them. I was going through something and they gots my back. This question could either be really cool or really boring...depending on how close you are with your family.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?

First... I do have regrets. I don't believe people who say they don't. Second... I don't think I can pick just one, so I'm going to do 2, which is still not even close to covering it.

a) I would absolutely have shopped colleges a bit more. After I got in to Wright State, my first choice (and least expensive that I'm aware of) I sort of stopped looking. That was a mistake.

b) I would absolutely have done everything I could to keep teaching. I left on my own because I was broke, but looking back, it was the only job I've had that mattered. And I liked it. And I was good at it.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?

I don't think I'd call anyone. I don't see myself calling anyone. Yeah... definitely not.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

This is tricky, because I don't know CPR, so... I'd likely do more harm than good. Assuming I did know it... yeah... I'd do it. Dirt washes off. Anti-biotics are readily available.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. Which one do you save?

Sorry Grandma. I'd save the newborn. I'd like to think that you'd agree with my choice.

20. Are you old fashioned?

In some ways I'm VERY old fashioned. In many ways, I'm not. I'd say that I've got a fairly liberal world view, which is not old-fashioned at all. (The drag queens I call friends would agree). I am a firm believer in love, which is old fashioned. Some would even say antiquated. I'm a hybrid...but I'd like to think the good kind.

21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?

Absolutely, 100%, without a doubt... I choose love. Heart break is a fact of life. It sucks a whole, whole lot, but it's a sweet pain, because it tells you that you can feel. God that's sappy, but it's true. If you have lived a life where you can feel heart break, that means you lived a life with love. I'd rather that any day.

22. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?

I think that, at the moment, I'd wish for financial independence. From whatever. I don't mind work at all, but I think the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do and not worry about money would be nice.

A Quiz... Because I'm Lazy

Hey Folks-

It's been a while, due to my completely insane performance schedule (those little blue pills have been working overtime, let me tell you.) And I still have very little to say, so I've decided to do one of those quizzes that people put up on these interwebs and whatnot. It's being billed as a "mature" quiz. Not because it's about nudie mags or something, but because it was written by an adult as opposed to some high school kid with no spell-checker.

Here we go...

1)What bill do I hate paying the most?
That's easily my car payment. I hate paying my car payment more than I hate most anything. It's too much. It's endless. I have a sinking feeling that by the time I'm done making these payments that my car will be useless. I want to punch my car payment in the fucking face.

2) Where was the last place I had a romantic dinner?
On Valentine's Day I ate at Marrakesh at Walt Disney World. That was pretty cool.

3) What do I really want to be doing right now?
Playing Call of Duty. (And here you thought that a mature quiz would involve me acting my age... bah!)

4) How many colleges did I attend?
Two (Wright State and Thomas More), unless you count Hondros College where I got my real estate license. In which case... Three.

5) Why did I choose the shirt that I have on right now?
Well... I like black. It's a little cold outside, so I thought I should go with a sweater (even though I'm also wearing shorts.)

6) What are my thoughts on gas prices?
Haven't we talked about this shit enough? Those are my thoughts.

7) What was my first thought when the alarm went off this morning?
"Is my phone ringing, or is that the alarm? Oh... the alarm. Damnit."

8) What was my last thought before I went to bed last night?
"Tomorrow's gonna be a long day"

9) Do I miss being a child?
Yeah, for sure. The coolest thing about being a kid is that you have nothing to do. I mean... when I was a kid I felt like I was busy, but I didn't know what busy meant until now. I like the notion of being done with my responsibilities at 3 every day. I like the notion of having full weekends free. I like not having to pay for anything. Life was awesome.

10) What errand or chore to I despise?
I hate going to the post office. I feel like it always take forever, and the post office people scare me.

11) Get up early or sleep in?
Wow...isn't this a much more mature survey than the usual ones? Next they'll ask me if I like Coke or Pepsi.
Also, I obviously like sleeping.

12) Have I found real love yet?
I think if I had, I wouldn't blog so much. Or do so much theatre. Or... You get the idea.

13) Favorite lunch meat?
I've always been fond of Roast Beef, but I can't have much of it anymore.

14) What do I get every time I go into Target?
Hives? Swine Flu? An icky feeling? I dunno.

15) Beach or Lake?
Lake, but again...seriously with these questions? How are they better. This survey roped me in with it's promises of maturity and depth and here I am answering questions about the beach.

16) Do I think marriage is an out-dated ritual?
I don't think that at all, but I do think that people take it far too lightly. I'm all for anyone being legally allowed to get married, but I think 2/3rds of the people who do get married, should reconsider or wait.

17) Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Isn't this question like "Would you rather have a million dollars or herpes?". I mean... Wouldn't a better question be "Sopranos or Six Feet Under" or "Sopranos or West Wing" or "Sopranos or The Wire". Or even "Desperate Housewives or getting your period" or "Desperate Housewives or a spinal tap". Um yeah... Sopranos.

18)What famous person would I like to have dinner with?
Walt Disney. That was the easiest one so far.

19) Have I ever crashed my vehicle?
Well... I've been in a crash, but it wasn't my fault, so I'm not going to say that I've crashed my vehicle. I was driving while someone else crashed it.

20)Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for it's intended purpose?
No

21) Ring Tone?
I have the "Classic Ringer" tone.

22) Strangest Place I've ever brushed my teeth?
I honestly have no idea? My car?

23) Somewhere in California I've never been, but would like to go?
Clearly the answer is Disneyland

24)Do I go to church?
Not often.

25)At this point in my life, would I rather start a new career, or a new relationship?
I'm gonna go with relationship, though I am always open to career things. I'd be unlikely to leave the friendly confines of my current employer, but if I could go work for Disney, I'd be gone today.

26) How old am I?
Twenty Nine. What the fuck, survey? What a waste of a question.

27) Do I have a go-to person?
Yeah..a couple.

28) Am I where I want to be in life?
I dunno. I'm happy with what I'm doing for the most part.

29) Growing up, what were my favorite cartoons?
Ducktales, He-Man, and... yeah...those two.

30) What about myself has changed the most?
I guess it depends on from when you mean, survey, but I think that for the most part I've just sort of grown into the person I want to be. The clay is hardening a bit, if that makes sense. (Out of the gutter!)

31) Looking back on High School, were they the best years of my life?
God no. I liked my Senior year... it was awesome, but aside from that, I was a train wreck. On the other hand, I liked almost all of College. And there've been years after that that've been pretty solid. So..no. High school is vastly overrated.

32) Are there times I still feel like a kid?
I think a better question is "Are there times I feel like an adult. That would be a shorter list."

33) Did I ever own Troll Dolls?
I did not. And I think their bare asses are weird.

34) Did I have a pager?
No.

35) Where was the hangout spot when I was a teenager?
I guess we went to Sitwells a lot. Coffee shop in Clifton. Aside from that, Paul Bohart's TV room.

36) Was I the type of kid would want my kids hanging out with?
Absolutely... I was way, WAAAAYYY too much of a pussy to get into too much trouble. Maybe I'd have tried to shoplift a Playboy or two. That's about the extent of it.

37) Who do I think impacted my life the most?
Probably my parents/step parents/step siblings. I think a lot of those relationships have molded me more than anything.

38) Was there a teacher or authority figure who stood out?
Dr. Ron Mielech. The dude is a genius and one of the nicest guys ever.

39) Do I tell stories that begin with "When I was your age..."?
No. I can't say that I do. I try to avoid it actually.

40) Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
I guess so. That's a tough one. Like... on the one hand, love is great. But if you've never loved, you don't really know what you're missing. Also there's a lot less of the pain of losing the love... Ill go with yes.

Why I'm Not Writing

Hey Folks-

I've noticed that my "per month" blog post numbers have dropped significantly over the past 3 months, and I feel like I need to explain myself. (Mostly to myself, as I have approximately 3 readers or something.)

My reasons:

1) While I definitely don't make a habit out of blogging from work, my extra time to do anything has dropped down to nothing.

2) I'm rehearsing for 2 shows right now, so any of my free time in the evenings...well... doesn't exist. I have no free time in the evenings. In fact, I'm kinda hating life right now, which makes my lack of time to blog even worse, because when I'm angsty I'm more entertaining (I'm told).

3) What little writing time I do have, I've been using to plan and prepare to collaborate with a friend on a play.

4) PS3. It's the most insidious, evil, time robbing son-of-a-bitch ever. And I love every single second of it.

5) I'm so, sooo tired. (See above)

All that said, I hope to have my Day 4 of Disney blog up some time later today.

Pot Poetry

My writing group has assigned the following:

Write an A, B, C Poem about what I want.. Titled "I Want". This is a 26 line poem where the first letter of each line starts with the next letter of the alphabet. You'll see how this goes.

First, let me just say that I don't understand poetry. Not at all. Not in the least. I am bad at it. I can't identify good versus bad. I just.. I dunno.

In fact... I've now started it several times, and I just can't make it feel right. In the meantime my friend Samantha (who may just be my favorite person) was talking about this and that and she gave me this idea about a pothead girl who has these tendencies toward being super, super tidy. This idea kinda entertained me and I told her that I'd write a poem in her honor about a Tidy Pothead.

So since I kind of realized that it might be kind of fun to live with a Tidy Pothead, I'm doubling this as my "I Want" ABC Poem.

I Want (A Tidy Pothead)
by The Beefy Muchacho

Afternoon breezes dissipate the smoke
Blows around, mixing with the air purifier.
Cleanser aroma in the room from a morning of scrubbing.

"Dude. You look like Mr. Clean." she muses..
Evoking the god of cleanliness.
"Feet off the couch please." she murmurs

Ganja packed into a glass bowl.
Holding it to her lips, she flips to Animal Planet.
I can't help but look at her and smile.

"Jesus... Lemurs are fucking amazing...
Koalas are too. I love those fuckers."
Laughing, I place my soda on the table.

"Make sure to use a coaster." she says.

Next to me carry-out menus
Ordered and arranged perfectly by size
Papa Johns then Mr. Wongs then Burrito Joes.
Quarters in a neat stack for the laundry
Right by the sack of herb
Seeds meticulously separated.

"Time for some Fritos"

Unhesitating, she bounces upward
Vapors from the bong lingering in her place.
Waving at the smoke, she grins... Contented.

Xanadu in the living room. She turns back.
"You really do look like Mr. Clean." she grins wickedly.
Zigzagging to the kitchen, straightening a picture as she goes...

On a side note, Michael Phelps: AMERICAN HERO was just caught smoking pot... And nobody should care. In fact, if smoking pot can make someone do what he does, I think people should think about legalizing it and packing it in school lunches.

I'll Annoy Birds Whenever I Like, HAWAII.

Hey Folks-

I decided to try a writing exercise where I asked for a blog topic and tried to come up with something coherant without preparation.. I'm not sure how it'll go...we'll see.
So...the suggestion:

Where would I live if I could live anywhere, if I break it down and decide by categories?

Places (in America) Dan Would Live...

Based on Signature Food
Let's assume I could eat what I wanted for the purpose of this exercise. There are a ton of foods I love. I love barbeque, so I could easily find myself settling in Kansas City or Memphis or North Carolina. I love mac and cheese so I could see myself living in Wisconsin. Tex Mex is fantastic so San Antonio would make sense. Chowder? Boston for sure... For me though... the choice is easy. There's nothing more delicious, to me, than a good Chicago style pizza. Pizza is great in any form, but the deep and gooey Chicago style is my favorite. Pizzeria Uno or Giordanos...damn it's good. A large pizza could easily feed 4 people, and probably shouldn't feed any fewer... Chicago gets bonus points because they also have a signature hot dog that happens to be my favorite dog iteration as well. (Dog, Mustard, relish, onions, pickle spear, tomato slices, celery salt.) Good on you Chicago...Good on you.

Based on Funniest Law
This is a tough one... I'd love to go to Honolulu, but I'd clearly be arrested immediately, because it's illegal to annoy any birds in Honolulu. So...Hawaii's out. I have some friends in Hollywood, but it'd be hard for me to move in there, because it's illegal to drive more than 2000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I can tell you I'd never move to Newcastle, Wyoming, because it's illegal to make love in a freezer. In Pinecrest, Florida citizens can't tow a sled behind their bicycles. Here in my home state of Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk. No no... While all of those places are very appealing to me, despite their laws, I clearly would move to Colorado where it is officially LEGAL to tear the tags off of pillows and mattresses.

Based on Sports Teams

Basically, what I'm saying here is that the Bengals and Reds are an embarrasment and I want live in a city that isn't the perpetual doormat that Cincinnati is, athletically speaking. Clearly, Boston would be the best choice. The Red Sox are great. The Celtics are great. The Patriots are great. But seriously...where's the fun in that? I mean... if I was from there, it'd be one thing. I'd have earned the success. There are a few places I can't live.... Indianapolis. Peyton Manning is probably the devil. New York and LA also have athletes whom I despise. (Kobe...A-Rod...I'm talking to you.).. No no... I think I have to go with New Orleans. The Saints are a likeable team with a likeable star (Drew Brees not Reggie Bush). They do all of the things the Bengals don't *cough* Sedrick Ellis *cough*. And then there's Chris Paul and the New Orleans Jazz (Hornets). The biggest drawback is that there's not baseball very close by, but it's not like there is here in Cincinnati either *Rimshot*.

Based on Night-Time Activities

This clearly isn't a choice, right? Isn't the clear answer here Las Vegas?

Based on Day-Time Activities
Much like the last one...this one is a no-brainer without any real second choices for me.. Orlando for sure.

Based on Educational Experiences
Well, I suppose it's sort of dependent on what you consider educational experiences, or what educational experiences you consider valuable... Do you value the proximity of educational institutions? Well, then Massachusetts is the place for you. Do you like going to museums? Washington D.C. may be the way to go. If you like actual historic sites, maybe Philadelphia. I'm definitely a Washington D.C. guy. There's soooo much to see. The Smithsonians. The monuments. The memorials. The infrastructure of government. In fact, I've been wanting to go back again. I haven't been for a while.

Based on Scenery

Another one that is dependent on the meaning of the category... If you're into cleavage and the pretty ladies maybe Malibu or Miami Beach is right for you. For the record, this is not the scenery I'm referring to. I am referring to nature's scenery. Maybe you go in for a rushing river... in that case Montana might be right. Or a beautiful beach... Malibu again? St. Augustine? Hilton Head? Rocky coast line... Maine maybe.. Oregon? I personally like mountains and prairies, which puts me squarely in the Jackson Hole, Wyoming camp. Just feast on the vistas... Sigh...

Hmm.... Any other categories?