Something about Lolo

I don't know if you've been following the Olympics, but if you have, you likely know of Lolo Jones.

There are probably at least a couple of things you know:

1) Lolo Jones is very, very attractive.
2) Lolo Jones didn't win a medal.

There are probably at least a couple of things you've heard:

1) Lolo Jones is a product of the USA Marketing Machine.
2) Lolo Jones is not a very good hurdler.

The things you know are 100% true. Lolo is extremely attractive. Like... crazy good looking. She's in phenomenal shape, and she's pretty too. She also didn't win a medal for the second Olympics in a row. The first time she was leading with one hurdle to go, and she fell. The second time she ran cleanly but was beaten and came in fourth.

The things you've heard are another story.

It's probably true, at least to some degree, that Lolo has enjoyed a distinct level of fame reserved for exceptionally pretty athletes in glamor athletic events. If I'm thinking about marketing US Olympians to the American people, I'd probably see her and think about featuring her as well. This is, decidedly, not her fault, and not her issue. If McDonalds wants to pay me to be in their ads, I'm taking their money too.

What isn't true in the very least is that she's not a very good hurdler.

If you're making that statement as a simple reaction to her lack of a win, that's an insane exaggeration. This isn't Highlander. There can be more than one very good, world class, hurdler. Not only does it disrespect her, but it disrespects her opponents as well. Just because she wasn't the best on this particular day, or even if she's never been the absolute best, to say that she's not any good is patently insane and stupid.

Factually, it's also just wrong. She's a multiple time indoor track champion. She runs the 100 Meter Hurdles in under 13 seconds regularly, and the 100 meter dash in under 12. That's really fucking fast.

Just because there are women who are faster (the total number of which could be counted on 3 fingers) doesn't mean that her skills or her abilities are less impressive.

The frustration comes, I believe, out of the fact that someone along the way decided to bring her to our collective attention as a superstar, and for the most part those people usually are superstars. The fact that she is merely exceptional and not the best has seemingly turned the media, and in turn many people who aren't paying attention or thinking about her actual achievements, against her.

Let me be clear on this point... That is NOT on her. That's on us. That's on the media. It's not her responsibility to "live up to" the hype. She may not have discouraged the hype, but what track athlete would? Track stars are, by nature, insanely confident. Personally, I think it's a shame that we, as a culture, feel the need first create stars, and then tear them down if they don't entertain us the way we want.

Lolo Jones is the 4th fastest hurdler in the world. That's pretty fucking amazing.

While we're talking about how fucked up our world is (with the Olympics as the looking glass), let's talk for a minute about Gabby Douglas.

Again, I assume that if you've been watching the Olympics, you know who Gabby Douglas is... For those of you needing a reminder, she's a 16 year old girl who also happened to have won the women's gymnastics all-around gold medal.

This Gabby Douglas has now been criticized by 2 groups within the American people (at least) that I'm aware of...

I saw her criticized on Fox News (...) because during the individual all-around competition she wore a pink outfit as opposed to something representing America. She was essentially accused of having some sort of American self-loathing, or something. Or that she was embarrassed to be an exceptional American, so she subconsciously wore "unAmerican colors".

This?? Is total, fucking, bullshit. It is. It's just sitting there LOOKING for something to criticize. Last I checked, nobody was unsure of where she came from, and she stood and held her hand over her heart during the National Anthem. The fact that she wore pink doesn't make her a commie. In fact, I'm fairly sure commies hate pink. . Nastia Liukin, the actual Russan-born American, won the 2008 all-around gold wearing... PINK. Did anyone mention this? I don't know why people are looking for reasons to criticize this amazing teenager.

The other point of criticism came from a much more disappointing place.

Gabby Douglas has been criticized in the black community, because she didn't fix her hair "black enough". Oh... did I forget to mention that Gabby Douglas is black? Instead of being proud of her a a teenager who won a gold medal for her country, people can't leave the poor girl alone. I don't want to get into the history of black women's hair in the US. I don't much care. I don't care if she shaved her head. I don't care if she wore braids. I don't care if she added a weave. I don't care if she straightened it. It's 100% irrelevant. She's an exceptional athlete, who seems to handle herself in an exceptional manner, and her hair is totally fucking beside the point.

I am so sad that we have a girl who can potentially serve as a role model for Americans everywhere. Boys, girls. Anyone. She's a teenager who can be held up as a success as opposed to being famous for being on some horrible MTV show.

I'm offended that we're not celebrating her success more.

This isn't my last blog about the Olympics. Over on Facebook, I made the statement that Michael Phelps is clearly the greatest Olympian ever, and while many people agreed, other people vehemently disagreed. Or at least felt like it was a fun debate (It totally is!), so....

Over the next couple of days I'm going to formulate my own little greatest Olympian tournament, and we'll break it down. I hope that I can be open enough to not crown Phelps automatically.

Pot Poetry

My writing group has assigned the following:

Write an A, B, C Poem about what I want.. Titled "I Want". This is a 26 line poem where the first letter of each line starts with the next letter of the alphabet. You'll see how this goes.

First, let me just say that I don't understand poetry. Not at all. Not in the least. I am bad at it. I can't identify good versus bad. I just.. I dunno.

In fact... I've now started it several times, and I just can't make it feel right. In the meantime my friend Samantha (who may just be my favorite person) was talking about this and that and she gave me this idea about a pothead girl who has these tendencies toward being super, super tidy. This idea kinda entertained me and I told her that I'd write a poem in her honor about a Tidy Pothead.

So since I kind of realized that it might be kind of fun to live with a Tidy Pothead, I'm doubling this as my "I Want" ABC Poem.

I Want (A Tidy Pothead)
by The Beefy Muchacho

Afternoon breezes dissipate the smoke
Blows around, mixing with the air purifier.
Cleanser aroma in the room from a morning of scrubbing.

"Dude. You look like Mr. Clean." she muses..
Evoking the god of cleanliness.
"Feet off the couch please." she murmurs

Ganja packed into a glass bowl.
Holding it to her lips, she flips to Animal Planet.
I can't help but look at her and smile.

"Jesus... Lemurs are fucking amazing...
Koalas are too. I love those fuckers."
Laughing, I place my soda on the table.

"Make sure to use a coaster." she says.

Next to me carry-out menus
Ordered and arranged perfectly by size
Papa Johns then Mr. Wongs then Burrito Joes.
Quarters in a neat stack for the laundry
Right by the sack of herb
Seeds meticulously separated.

"Time for some Fritos"

Unhesitating, she bounces upward
Vapors from the bong lingering in her place.
Waving at the smoke, she grins... Contented.

Xanadu in the living room. She turns back.
"You really do look like Mr. Clean." she grins wickedly.
Zigzagging to the kitchen, straightening a picture as she goes...

On a side note, Michael Phelps: AMERICAN HERO was just caught smoking pot... And nobody should care. In fact, if smoking pot can make someone do what he does, I think people should think about legalizing it and packing it in school lunches.

Are Ya Scared?

Hey Folks-

No, the title doesn't refer to the very real possibility that Sarah Palin will be our next Vice President . (Though, it easily could refer to that very real possibility. Frankly, it's a little too real for me.)

No no... instead, I'd like to talk sports.

Yesterday, I was watching the very enjoyable "Rocky Balboa" and I came in right before the training sequence (awesome) and I watched through the end. I actually thought that the movie was great, except I was a little bummed at the final fight. I DID like the outcome, but I thought the fight was almost too realistic. I want Drago. I want Clubber Lang.

It was during this fight sequence that I noted that Rocky and Mason "The Line" Dixon were both wearing black gloves. I kept thinking about the gloves. So much so, in fact, that I came up with a blog entry related to the color of boxing gloves.

Without further ado, I bring you:

Dan's Top 5 Sports Intimidation Techniques (Both real and fictional)

Honorable Mention A):
This one doesn't get into the top 5, because of 2 reasons... 1) It's only happened once that I am aware of. 2) It's more likely to intimidate your own teammate as opposed to the opponent. In any case, there's a story of the time Red's Hall of Fame Catcher Johnny Bench was catching a younger pitcher. Bench was calling for a breaking ball, and the pitcher shook him off wanting to throw a fastball. Bench basically tells the guy his fastball is sucking, so he should stick with the breaking ball... The pitcher insists and throws the fastball anyway. Bench CATCHES IT WITH HIS BARE HAND. I'm sorry...but that is awesome. I think if that could be verified with an actual video or original story, it would definitely make the list, even though he showed up his teammate. I LOVE that story.

Honorable Mention B)
This one makes it on if I wasn't so entertained by #4 on my list, thus allowing fictional circumstances. Anyway, Ronnie Lott was so tough. So crazy about getting back on the field, that when he dislocated his pinky finger he elected to have it CUT OFF instead of missing any action. Seriously...the guy decided to just amputate his pinky finger after it was crushed in order to avoid injuring it any more, but still get on the field faster. I love that.


5) The coolest way to wear white after Labor Day. Why does the color of boxing gloves matter? (you ask) Well... because when you're wearing white boxing gloves, your opponent can see their own blood. I don't know about you, but if I'm in a fight, the last thing I wanna know about is how much I'm bleeding.

4) A day at the beach. FICTIONAL. Okay, so I've never seen this happen, nor do I think it ever would, but wouldn't it have been effing sweet if Michael Phelps had shown up to his first race of the Olympics with a full, bushy beard and wearing baggy surfing shorts. How would you feel as an opponent of his when you've just spent the last 3 hours shaving off all of your body hair and squeezing yourself into a skin-tight suit and Phelps shows up looking like a beach comber. Like... He may as well be swimming in a sweatshirt.

3) Chair? What chair mother fucker? Another boxing one (Courtesy of Alan)... Picture 2 boxers in a 12 round championship fight. The 10th round just ended. It's been a battle. Too close to call on the cards. You're spent. You head back to your corner and you slump onto the stool and let your corner men do their work. As your trainer is yelling out instructions, you find yourself glancing over to your opponent, hoping to see him bleeding. Instead, you see that he's standing 3 feet away from his corner. Arms crossed. Waiting for your pussy-ass to get up and fight him some more. What's that tapping? Nails in your coffin.

2) Get that shit outta here. I love this one, and it's only not #1 on the list because it's so much better in person than it is on TV. It lacks the universal quality the others have, but otherwise, it's really intimidating. There is nothing...NOTHING like a really emphatic blocked shot in basketball. So many awesome variations of it... The "Pin the ball on the backboard". The "Catch the ball out of the air". The "intentional goaltend where the guy comes up THROUGH the rim". The "point guard stuffing a power forward". The "swat into the second row and then scream like an insane person". Just awesome, and if done early in the game, it can really be a pretty great way to get the momentum.

1) Um...you have ice on your face. This one is legendary. I've heard of this happening a few times, but I think quite possibly the most famous example of it is a Bengals example...and thus is my favorite. In January 1982 the Bengals played the Chargers in Cincinnati in the AFC Championship game. The temperature? -59 degrees. I don't know if you know that, but that is fucking cold. Just so we're clear... if you CAN spit in that temperature, it would freeze before it hit the ground. Of course, your body dehydrates at something like 17 times the normal rate, so you can't spit. Or sweat. In any case, the Bengals offensive lineman came out and played the entire game (thank you Alan and Wikipedia for verifying the specifics) without wearing sleeves. They were so crazy and so tough that were all "Screw frostbite. I wanna scare some Chargers." And it worked. Sadly, they played the 49ers indoors the next Sunday, or maybe the entire future of the Bengals would have been changed. Still... No sleeves or "warm weather clothing" in general in super cold weather is hardcore. People still talk about that 27 years later.

Ongoing Olympic Coverage 2

Hey Folks-

I just watched the Men's 400M Freestyle relay.... pretty unbelievable. Phelps' quest is still alive, and it's already being called the greatest relay race ever raced. I'm inclined to agree. The 5th place team swam faster than the world record. The winners broke it by 5 seconds.

Go USA. Jason Lesak is awesome.