Our Rights and What's Right

I apologize for the time I've taken away from blogging. I moved across the country and found a new job and blah blah nobody cares... Anyway, nothing seemed all that important to talk about, but then today a young man made a little visit to a grade school in Connecticut and shot a whole mess of innocent people.

Now I have something to say.

The other day, after Bob Costas was nearly lynched for having the audacity to suggest that guns shouldn't be so easy to get sometimes, I went on Facebook.

I found a discussion between two of my friends. One suggested that guns don't kill people any more than cars do, and that ultimately it's the people doing it, and why don't we take away the cars since they're also deadly... The other friend said something that I wholly agree with in equating cars and guns is a false equivalency, because while cars (or knives or ropes or whatever else) can be used to kill, they ultimately have a different primary purpose, whereas the purpose of a gun can only truly be one thing. To wound, maim, or kill.

He's right, of course, and that's the reason I don't understand the people out there laboring so adamantly to fight against gun control.

I simply don't see how a logical, evolved person would in good conscience hold out this “right” to have guns as this completely impregnable thing that can't ever be questioned.

Oh wait... I should be totally clear.

I like guns. I am not opposed to private gun ownership. I have considering purchasing one of my own on numerous occasions, even recently. I've gone to shooting ranges. I've enjoyed popping off a few rounds targeted at silly paper plates.

I'm not advocating taking guns away from sane people. Guns, themselves, aren't the problem. It is possible to own a gun safely and responsibly.

Still... I think there are some big things to talk about here that go beyond my personal preferences and freedoms. The public good is at stake here.

So what about that good old 2^nd Amendment?

Essentially the amendment itself says that the people have the right to bear arms, and that this right cannot be infringed upon.

Seems pretty cut and dry, but there's also this part about militias. Oh, and this other part where it's about it being a right only when crucial to the security of a free state.

Really, it's not all that clear what it all means. You know what IS clear?

The US Constitution, along with the first 10 amendments were ratified in 1791.

Here are some facts about guns in 1791...

Guns in 1791 WOULD

• ...be made by a gunsmith.
• ...have rudimentary rifling.
• ...be single-shot weapons.
• ...be loaded through the muzzle.
• ...fire by means of a flintlock.
  

Guns in 1791 WOULD NOT

• ...have interchangeable parts. (Popularized in 1798)
• ...be revolvers. (Invented in 1835)
• ...be breachloaded. (Popularized in 1810)
• ...use smokeless powder. (Invented in 1885)
• ...use a percussion cap, necessary for modern cartridged bullets. (Invented in 1842)
• ...load bullets from a clip. (Invented in 1890)
  

Had the 3 guns carried by the shooter in today's violence been the “Arms” our founding fathers had in mind, he'd have killed 3 people at most. That's assuming the guns didn't malfunction. That's assuming he wouldn't have missed otherwise. That's assuming he walked in with all 3 guns loaded and ready to fire.

Once those 3 shots were done, he likely would have been subdued by one of the many bystanders while he tried to re-load the muzzles and that would have been that. A horrible tragedy to be sure, but nothing like what transpired today.

My point?

The founding fathers didn't have 9mm automatic handguns in mind when they gave everyone the right to “bear arms”. They weren't governing based on the possibility of a sociopath with a Bushwacker opening fire in a kindergarten class.

So you know.. maybe we don't lean so hard on this 2^nd Amendment? Maybe I'm wrong.

But let's just say I am wrong, and Thomas Jefferson and everybody else would have been totally cool with assault rifles.

Should WE be okay with them?

I know that some guns are cool, and some guns are fun to shoot. I get it, totally. I get that it's fun to go to a gun show and buy a .50 caliber sniper rifle, you know... just to have it.

You know what, though?

Maybe YOUR fun isn't what matters. Or mine. Or anyones. Maybe the safety of the people as a whole is more important than your desire to own a cool gun. It's all just dick measuring, right? The need to own a bigger and badder gun than the person next door.

 

You want to “protect” your family? I'm down with that. I just don't think you need an AK-47 to do it. A simple .38 revolver can do that just fine if a gun is the way you want to do that.

What? You need more than 6 shots to protect your family? What fucking gang did you piss off? If we're being honest here, if you're in a situation where 6 shots isn't enough, maybe you're into some shit a little deeper than you should be. I dunno.

So okay.. lets say that Glock is really necessary for your protection. Do you need 5 of them? You only have 2 hands, and maybe you should consider using one of them to open the back door and run like hell.

That's really what I'm getting at here...

I'm not against guns.

I'm against owning a dozen guns. I'm against the ridiculous loophole that allows people to buy a gun from a gun show without a background check. I'm against people making a big deal about those background checks, because it infringes on your rights to wait a couple of fucking days for your “recreational M16”.

I'm sad that you need to take classes before they give you a license to cut hair, sell real estate, drive a car, ride a scooter, and bartend, but you don't need to take a gun safety class before you can buy one.

A lot of people are going to blame a lot of things for this shooting, and you know, we'll probably never know whether the guy got a little too bored killing digital people in a video game, or if he was listening to too much metal, or any of the other bullshit things that are always blamed. One thing we do know? If he didn't have easy access to guns, those people would still be alive.

I think it's time to look at ourselves. Just because we may have the right to bear arms, does that mean we should bear like... all of them at once?

I'm sure there are people who will argue that the government shouldn't have this kind of say over what we do. That tightening up on gun control will simply start the ball rolling and give the feds the foothold they need to start taking away other rights.

It's a risk I'm willing to take to prevent another day like today.

Something about Lolo

I don't know if you've been following the Olympics, but if you have, you likely know of Lolo Jones.

There are probably at least a couple of things you know:

1) Lolo Jones is very, very attractive.
2) Lolo Jones didn't win a medal.

There are probably at least a couple of things you've heard:

1) Lolo Jones is a product of the USA Marketing Machine.
2) Lolo Jones is not a very good hurdler.

The things you know are 100% true. Lolo is extremely attractive. Like... crazy good looking. She's in phenomenal shape, and she's pretty too. She also didn't win a medal for the second Olympics in a row. The first time she was leading with one hurdle to go, and she fell. The second time she ran cleanly but was beaten and came in fourth.

The things you've heard are another story.

It's probably true, at least to some degree, that Lolo has enjoyed a distinct level of fame reserved for exceptionally pretty athletes in glamor athletic events. If I'm thinking about marketing US Olympians to the American people, I'd probably see her and think about featuring her as well. This is, decidedly, not her fault, and not her issue. If McDonalds wants to pay me to be in their ads, I'm taking their money too.

What isn't true in the very least is that she's not a very good hurdler.

If you're making that statement as a simple reaction to her lack of a win, that's an insane exaggeration. This isn't Highlander. There can be more than one very good, world class, hurdler. Not only does it disrespect her, but it disrespects her opponents as well. Just because she wasn't the best on this particular day, or even if she's never been the absolute best, to say that she's not any good is patently insane and stupid.

Factually, it's also just wrong. She's a multiple time indoor track champion. She runs the 100 Meter Hurdles in under 13 seconds regularly, and the 100 meter dash in under 12. That's really fucking fast.

Just because there are women who are faster (the total number of which could be counted on 3 fingers) doesn't mean that her skills or her abilities are less impressive.

The frustration comes, I believe, out of the fact that someone along the way decided to bring her to our collective attention as a superstar, and for the most part those people usually are superstars. The fact that she is merely exceptional and not the best has seemingly turned the media, and in turn many people who aren't paying attention or thinking about her actual achievements, against her.

Let me be clear on this point... That is NOT on her. That's on us. That's on the media. It's not her responsibility to "live up to" the hype. She may not have discouraged the hype, but what track athlete would? Track stars are, by nature, insanely confident. Personally, I think it's a shame that we, as a culture, feel the need first create stars, and then tear them down if they don't entertain us the way we want.

Lolo Jones is the 4th fastest hurdler in the world. That's pretty fucking amazing.

While we're talking about how fucked up our world is (with the Olympics as the looking glass), let's talk for a minute about Gabby Douglas.

Again, I assume that if you've been watching the Olympics, you know who Gabby Douglas is... For those of you needing a reminder, she's a 16 year old girl who also happened to have won the women's gymnastics all-around gold medal.

This Gabby Douglas has now been criticized by 2 groups within the American people (at least) that I'm aware of...

I saw her criticized on Fox News (...) because during the individual all-around competition she wore a pink outfit as opposed to something representing America. She was essentially accused of having some sort of American self-loathing, or something. Or that she was embarrassed to be an exceptional American, so she subconsciously wore "unAmerican colors".

This?? Is total, fucking, bullshit. It is. It's just sitting there LOOKING for something to criticize. Last I checked, nobody was unsure of where she came from, and she stood and held her hand over her heart during the National Anthem. The fact that she wore pink doesn't make her a commie. In fact, I'm fairly sure commies hate pink. . Nastia Liukin, the actual Russan-born American, won the 2008 all-around gold wearing... PINK. Did anyone mention this? I don't know why people are looking for reasons to criticize this amazing teenager.

The other point of criticism came from a much more disappointing place.

Gabby Douglas has been criticized in the black community, because she didn't fix her hair "black enough". Oh... did I forget to mention that Gabby Douglas is black? Instead of being proud of her a a teenager who won a gold medal for her country, people can't leave the poor girl alone. I don't want to get into the history of black women's hair in the US. I don't much care. I don't care if she shaved her head. I don't care if she wore braids. I don't care if she added a weave. I don't care if she straightened it. It's 100% irrelevant. She's an exceptional athlete, who seems to handle herself in an exceptional manner, and her hair is totally fucking beside the point.

I am so sad that we have a girl who can potentially serve as a role model for Americans everywhere. Boys, girls. Anyone. She's a teenager who can be held up as a success as opposed to being famous for being on some horrible MTV show.

I'm offended that we're not celebrating her success more.

This isn't my last blog about the Olympics. Over on Facebook, I made the statement that Michael Phelps is clearly the greatest Olympian ever, and while many people agreed, other people vehemently disagreed. Or at least felt like it was a fun debate (It totally is!), so....

Over the next couple of days I'm going to formulate my own little greatest Olympian tournament, and we'll break it down. I hope that I can be open enough to not crown Phelps automatically.

Day 7: Not a Road Trip Without Snow

After the abject terror of the drive down Highway 6 in the pouring rain the day before, Day 7 of the trip greeted us in Green River with beautiful, clear skies. We set out bright and early and started the long journey East on the legendary Interstate 70. According to Wikipedia, I-70 was the first interstate highway project, and is considered an engineering marvel based on the mountain passes and tunnels in Colorado. I can honestly say that while there were some pretty scary, stressful portions (more on that later), if I had to point to the 5 most stunning views of our trip, at least 3 were laid out before us on Day 7 in Utah and Colorado.

We'd barely gone 50 miles when nature called, and we made our way to a rest area. On a completely separate note, I wish I had tracked exactly how often we stopped due to "nature". I'll just say that the TM drinks a TON of water.

Anyway, I digress...

This rest area was easily the coolest one of our trip. The one near Mt. Shasta was pretty sweet because the river was right there (and the skunk), but for sheer impressiveness there's not even a close second to this rest area in Utah.

Facing North:


Facing North again:

Facing South:

Facing South again:

I mean... I don't want to go all hyperbolic about things, but I could seriously just set up a tent and live at this place. I loved it. I could have spent all day there.

I used to think about the kinds of places I'd love to go if I didn't have to worry about money and could just live somewhere and write and think and do art and whatnot, and I always imagined my back yard as looking a lot like this place. Not just the rest area, but this particular brand of Rocky Mountains. I absolutely love it.

After we left the rest area, we made our way into Colorado, and decided to stop in Grand Junction for gas and Starbucks. Grand Junction is just about the last flat(ish) area on I-70 before entering into the intense moutainy area, and we felt like having a full tank of gas might be a good decision.

It was in Grand Junction that we had the only real Piano-Related scare of the drive. I'd gone into the gas station to buy a shot glass, and the TM was going to drive over to Starbucks to meet me. As she circled past some parked cars, and waved at me, we heard a big bang. Keep in mind... I am not in the truck, but rather 25 feet away. She hits the brakes, and the dude whose truck she passed nearly had a heart attack checking the condition of his ride. All was fine, we found a good out-of-the-way spot to park, and opened the back of the truck. Terrified. Turns out it was just the board that goes between your knees and the strings that fell off... So we strapped that down and continued on our way.

It doesn't sound scary, but it was pretty effing traumatic at the time.

Our next stop was in Rifle (another "Nature" stop) and it wasn't particularly eventful, but we did see some really, really dirty hitchers get picked up. These people were true hippy hitchhikers. Down to their lack of shoes and their surplus of hair.


We continued on, through Western Colorado, enjoying the scenery. It was really beautiful. I mean, I know this isn't the most interesting post when all I talk about is how pretty it all was, but there it is.


We eventually stopped again, but this time for lunch. I'd really been interested to see Eagle, Colorado, because it plays such a big part in my job on a day to day basis, so we stopped there. Eagle was nice enough, but I don't really get the fuss. I guess it's because Eagle is close to Vail, and that's where all the good skiing is, but still...Eagle just seemed kind of blah to me. Except for the downtown area, which I loved. It was full of personality. We had lunch at a place called The Red Canyon Cafe, and then we stopped into this antique store, where the TM picked up some owl book-ends.


You'll note that starting this day, I'll talk about us stopping at antique stores a lot. We decided that it would be a waste of this giant-ass truck we were driving around mostly empty if we didn't at least LOOK at the antique stores for things that we normally wouldn't be able to get on a vacation.

After lunch, we made the final push toward Denver for the day. We were only about 100 miles away, but we had the scariest portion of the mountains left to drive. I was pretty stunned at the majesty of the mountains we drove toward. It sounds so cheesy, but it's true.


As we drove toward the fabled Eisenhower Tunnel (the highest point in the Interstate Highway system at over 11,000 feet), the mountains grew taller and more snow-topped.

We made another stop at the rest area at Vail Pass. Partly to answer "Nature's Call" but also to enjoy the amazing scenery. The weather wasn't really cooperating with us. When we left the hotel that morning it was 70 degrees. When we ate lunch in Eagle, it was 70 degrees. I'd be amazed if it was higher than 40 degrees at Vail Pass. Oh... and below is a picture of Vail Pass when we got there:


And here is a picture from the exact same spot 5 minutes later. This has not been doctored in any way. Obviously, this didn't fill my soul with quiet since we were driving straight that direction.
I don't have any more photos of the drive into Denver. The reason? Because right after we left Vail Pass we were plunged into a winter storm. That's right.. It was October 8th and we found ourselves in a driving rain/sleet/hail/snow storm as we climbed to the very top of the mountain. Needless to say I was fucking petrified again, and needless to say I was too busy gripping anything I could to take a lot of pictures. It wouldn't have done any good anyway. Here's a re-enactment photo:
Yeah... The TM even had be bust out the video camera again. Clearly I'm like a penguin with a flashlight. I just get distracted enough to ignore my pending doom. In the end, we did survive, and the snow stopped and dried as we descended into the Denver area.

Oh... I should also mention that I am now 2 for 2 in experiencing driving snow on a non-winter cross country road trip. Seems crazy. The last time was May in Wyoming.

We'd planned to meet up with my Aunt Barb, Uncle Lane, and my cousin (and reader) Abbey for dinner the night we arrived into Denver, and because there was no Triple D Restaurant in Denver, we left the location up to Abbey.

She recommended a crazy burger restaurant called the Cherry Cricket which, as it turns out, was featured on 2 other TV shows. Aaron Sanchez recommended it on "Best Thing I Ever Ate" and they also had it on "Man vs. Food", so the place does have some TV credits. Let me tell you... While the Squeeze Inn had all the build-up and anticipation, the Cherry Cricket served the best burger I've ever eaten. It was delicious. The gimmick is that you get a burger, and then choose the toppings a la carte. I had herbed cream cheese, bacon, and green chiles on my burger, and it was fucking delicious.

The TM had some super good, super spicy green chili. Both of our meals are pictures below, along with an order of "Frings" (Fries and Rings):

The bowl of chili really was that size. The TM ended up saving it in a quart container, and finishing it at home a few days later. I can tell you that this was a completely un-anticipated meal, because we didn't even know where we were going until that day, but it was awesome. I'd go there again in a heart beat.

In the end, Day 7 was a pretty great day. We had took a spectacular drive through some of the most beautiful land in America. We saw the best rest area, drove the highest point, and ate the tastiest burger. We saw family, we revisited Denver (one of my 2 favorite cities), and started the longest stretch our our journey along America's first interstate.

It was, indeed, a pretty great day.

Day 4 Medford to Sacramento: Shasta Ain't Just a Discount Soda

Day Four of the trip was memorable for a couple of reasons...

1) We saw unexpected wildlife

2) We got a slight preview of terrain to come.

3) We encountered a mountain named after a beverage.

4) We unexpectedly saw a totally incredible achievement of engineering.

5) We ate at the most bizarre of the Triple D locations

Just after we crossed the border into California, we stopped at a rest stop where a river ran along one side.
It was definitely in the top 5 prettiest rest areas. Well, we were sort of strolling around and enjoying the scenery, and I noticed this black cat run through the brush, and into the bushes. I even exclaimed "Oh look! A Cat!" Somewhere along the line here, I realized that the cat I saw looked suspiciously un-cat-like, and then I though even deeper and realized that it was pretty unlikely that a cat would be living in the bushes alongside a river in Northern California. I sort of made a quick turn and headed quickly in the opposite direction, dissuading the TM from seeking out the aforementioned cat.

I'm starting to understand why Pepe le Pew was always so fucking confused about chasing that dumb girl cat around. Cats and skunks are hard to differentiate when you have a rip-roaring cold. It was during Day Four where my sense of taste started fading in and out. It was also during day four when I could have filled a bucket full of phlegm if I'd had a bucket. It was gross.

I digress...

I think this is a good time to point out that the sense of smell is underrated. Not just because it helps you taste your horseradish potato chips. For the rest of the trip we detected an alarming number of skunks on the roadways of our beautiful country.


As we continued to drive, I started noticing unfamiliar signs. Things like 6% Downgrade Next 8 Miles. I started feeling how sluggish our truck could be when going up a steep hill for miles at a time. I started to feel edgy (no pun intended) when we went around curves and the ground gave way to my right or left.

That's right... We'd entered some mountains. Let me just say that I don't like driving in the mountains. I don't like the idea of brakes being so integral. It makes me nervous. Little did I know that these mountains were like a sneeze compared to the hurricane we'd encounter later. It did afford some pretty unsettling views. Here's us driving, literally, into the clouds:

Shortly after our first major brush with the mountains, we can around a clearing and low-and-behold there was this big fucking mountain just sitting there, like a giant pimple on the chin of a pre-ProActiv Jessica Simpson.
I was all "What the hell is that?"

She was all "I think that's Mt. Shasta."

I was all "They named a mountain after that shitty drink they sell at K-Mart?"

She was all "Yeah".

Well... that might not be the most accurate transcript, but there was a lot of joking about the name of the awesome Mt. Shasta. All kidding aside, it was exceptionally pretty.

As we were passing Mt. Shasta and going past Lake Shasta, we started to see signs for the Shasta Dam, so we decided to have our picnic lunch (including apples) at the dam herself (Her? is a Dam a "she"? I know a Dame is a she, and a Damme is a she, but is a Dam?) I'd vaguely heard of Shasta Dam before, which after seeing it in person seems almost embarrassing. That place is UN-BELIEVABLE. It's freaking enormous. It's... I mean...

I learned that Shasta Dam (where they make the soda) is the 2nd largest Dam in the United States, second only to the one those giant beavers made in the creek behind our house.

It was really, really pretty at the dam, and also the perfect location for a dam picnic.

It's a little weird to go from discussing the special picnic at the special dam to talking about another meal, but after we left the dam, the drive to Sacramento was nothing all that interesting.

The Triple D restaurant we planned for this day was the one that I anticipated the most anxiously, the Squeeze Inn. I can't really explain exactly why in a coherent way, so I'll just provide you the link to the segment on the show.

Got the idea? Yeah... It was pretty much exactly as the show portrays it. Burger. Cheese. MORE CHEESE. Cheese skirt. Insanity.

Was it delicious? Yes. Was it something I could eat regularly? Hell no. I felt like I'd eaten a balloon after my HALF a Squeeze with Cheese. It was daunting. I told myself that I had to try it, and really the skirt of cheese was worth the experience. Was it the best burger I've ever had? No.

The TM gave it a 6 out of 10. She loved the cheese skirt, but felt the rest of it was pretty good, but not great. She did make the good point that the atmosphere was lacking a little. Probably more than it used to be. I gave it a 7. The burger may not have lived up to the hype, but yeah... not even the 3rd best place we ate on the trip.

After the dinner at The Squeeze Inn, we took a leisurely drive to the movie theater and watched The Social Network. I liked it a lot. TM hated it, but she tolerated it because I didn't protest her smuggling a sixer of Fat Tire Beer into the theater.

That pretty much wraps up Day 4. Oh... One other thing..

Did everyone know that California performs vehicle inspections on every car entering the state in order to regulate agricultural importing. I found that very interesting. The guy was very fast and friendly, but still... Like... it might be a problem to bring in Oregonian bananas? That's a weird place, that California.

The Piano Trip: A Prologue

The Tofu Muchacha was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest. She grew up in Longview, Washington and went to college at Western Washington University in Bellingham. During her time in college she found herself at a garage sale and ended up purchasing an old, antique piano. She had it and played it for about two years, and then as she migrated elsewhere in her life, the piano stayed in Washington.

The piano stayed there for over a decade.

Until last Sunday, when The TM and I rented a large moving truck and had the beast loaded in. In Olympia, Washington.

That's was just the start of our adventure. Over the past week and a day, we drove the moving truck and piano from Seattle to Cincinnati. We saw America. We saw family. We ate some really fucking good food. We stayed in a variety of middle-to-low end hotels. We took an absolute shitload of pictures.

Over the upcoming days, I'll be writing about each day of the trip. Relating stories and telling tales of one of the best times I've ever had.

After the Break

I slept late this morning, and now I'm all wired. And bored. The Tofu Muchacha is slumbering peacefully, having earned a solid rest after a day of running (10 miles!) and rehearsal. I accidentally deleted "Ultimate Recipe Showdown" before I watched it. The Cardinals/Brewers game is quietly in hand. I'm bored.

As I waited through the commercials, a couple of them struck me, so I've decided to write a short post about some of my issues with the growing weirdness of television advertising.

Screaming. Two of Three commercials featured men screaming. Staples is currently running these crazy ads where this idiotic business man is standing in the aisle of the store and just absolutely insanely shouts "WOW!! That's a low price!". Then he repeats this several more times as he sees all of the low prices the store offers. It's utterly ridiculous. The other screaming man commercial features George Takei. 'Nuff said.

How is having a man scream like a crazy person suddenly something that would make me think your product is good? I've been blown away by some low prices in my time (though, to be fair, never at Staples), and I've never felt the urge to scream like Howard Dean at a Prince concert.

Sand. I don't understand what it is about the beach that 1) makes people suddenly feel sexy like in those Cialis commercials or 2) makes ladies feel like their period is going better like in just about every tampon commercial. Sand isn't sexy. In fact, I am struggling to think of more than two or three things LESS sexy than sand. It gets in your crevices. It's used to grind things down. That really is all you should know about sand before determining you don't want it incorporated into your love making. And yet... Cialis will have you believe that when you take their magical pill you'll want to be transported right down onto the closest sandy beach for your middle-aged love making. I really enjoyed the Kotex commercial where the girl was all sarcastic about how the first thing she wants to do during her period is run around on the beach. At least they're aware of how stupid most tampon commercials can be.

Shame. Did you know that Infinity is currently running an ad campaign for one of their cars that brags the interior has silver dust polished into the wood. SILVER DUST. Like, first of all... how is this even remotely reasonable? Not to rip off a David Cross bit, but THIS is why most of the world hates us. Our fancy cars aren't fancy enough. We have to rub precious metals into the wood grain. Does it make our car run better? Does it conserve fuel? Does it smell like springtime? No. It's just a completely retarded thing. It's rare that I'm offended by oppulence (I mean... I work for a private jet company.) This isn't in the league of the 300,000 dollar watch that doesn't tell time, but it does make me think of it.

While I'm on the subject... Is it just accepted at this point that functionality is no longer the primary selling point in a product. I'm pretty convinced that something doesn't even have to work at all if it looks cool or has diamonds buried in it, or it smells like poppies or whatever. Moen wants you to buy their faucets because they look nice. Volkswagen wants you to buy their cars because they no longer look like toasters. Of course, Honda wants you to buy their cars because they DO look like toasters, so I don't know what to think.

The one thing I'm absolutely positive about is they don't even have to talk about how well their products work. This is amazing to me.

I've managed to blog myself into sleepiness. I leave you with one final thought...

DVRs are wonderful things.

This blog brought to you by the new Nike Air Muchachos
Oh yes. Those are real.

18 Days to Disney: A Veritable Melting Pot

Remember how all of those rich friends of yours "backpacked" through Europe after they graduated college? Neither do I, but it happens in the movies all the time. Actually... come to think of it, it rarely actually happens in the movies either. They talk about doing it. They plan to do it. Then something goes terribly wrong and they don't get to go, thus commencing the life lessons.

I seem to have digressed... Ah yes...

Well Disney has a thing where you don't even have to leave the safe, friendly confines of the good ol' U S of A in order to meet and interact with people from all kinds of different countries and cultures. You just need to go to Epcot and the World Showcase!

Think of all of the cool things you can do..

Buy an authentic kimono (you can tell because the tag is in Japanese and is sold to you by an actual Japanese person) in Japan!

Hit on a hot Scandinavian chick in Norway!

Fantasize about punching a mime in France!

Enjoy some bangers and mash (whatever the fuck that is) in England!

Walk as quickly as possible through Canada!

Best of all.... get your picture taken with REAL Beefy Muchachos in May-hee-co:

I love the World Showcase! I love exclamation points!

Sure...sure...I've heard plenty of criticisms of the World Showcase as a sort of Xenophobic version of these countries where everything is flowery and bright and full of Disneyfication, but to them I say 2 things:

1) If you want to teach your children about the culture of a specific country and get more in depth than "In Morocco they eat couscous" then maybe you should take them to fucking Morocco and not Disney World.

2) Would you prefer the French people spat on you for being a dirty, plebian American? Would you prefer some Death Metal thug stabbed you in a back alley in Germany? Would you Prefer your camera was confiscated and destroyed after taking one too many pictures in China?

I didn't think so.

Disney is about entertainment, and about the positive aspects. I can't think of anything more positive than providing these cultures a venue to show like...their 5 favorite things about themselves, and I love it.

In fact, the only one that I find insulting is "The American Experience" and only because I don't think it should be there at all. I mean... isn't Disney World in general the "American Experience".

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: What is vomit called at Disney World?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

Good, but not TOOO Good.

Simon Cowell has just about the toughest job in the world. I mean that. I know what you're thinking...

"Muchacho! How can you say that? He's rich and he gets to be mean and people expect nothing else from him!"

And well yeah... that's true. But here's the thing... well...a couple of things..

1) I actually don't think he IS mean. You can sort of tell when you watch that he does actually like people, and he's never afraid to compliment someone if they actually deserve it. It's not his fault (well... probably it is because he's the boss) that he's the only judge really allowed or able to give actual, realistic opinions. I mean c'mon... Randy is a doof, Paula is Paula, and Kara just... I had high hopes that she'd be the legit female Simon and whatnot. A current songwriter with actual recent success, and she often sounds less coherant than Paula Abdul. So no... Simon's only mean in comparison to the cotton candy unicorns that the rest of them perpetrate on us every fucking week.

2) Simon's soul IS black and cold, true, but not why you'd think. And here's where I begin to explain my thesis... I think it's the worst thing in the world to know better and to understand nuance and levels, and yet feel compelled to ignore them based on forces that are not only outside of your personal control, but also soul-crushing. I think that's the situation Simon finds himself in... I think it's completely plausible that there are people they've had on that show who Simon actually might respect artistically, or really personally enjoy as an entertainer, but who he's destroyed them in critiques. Why? Because he knows that his comments do actually have an affect on voting, and his biggest nightmare is if someone wins who isn't readily marketable. It's not personal. It's not about his personal preferences. He wants to make money and Taylor Hicks ultimately makes him no money.

NOTE: Taylor Hicks is the perfect example here. He sort of captivated the idiot masses for a short time (due to the schtick), but in the long run went super, super stale very quickly. He's the only American Idol winner who was really more the winner of a reality show, and less a winner of a competition for entertainers. It's not that he was bad at what he does, because he's not, but he's a niche guy. More on that later. But I digress...

Simon's soul is black because it has to kill him to toss people under the bus who he probably finds more interesting in favor of pimping the safer bets. By "safer", I mean more generally marketable. I think Simon subscribes (as all people who want to make money over art should) to the Michael Eisner model (well.. early Eisner). Hit singles and doubles and take the sure things. If you play for the homerun, you strike out a lot more. It's probably less interesting on a creative level, but it's a way surer thing when it comes to making money.

3) He's got the finest line to walk when it comes the advice and criticisms he doles out. Everything he says is calculated to drive the person he WANTS to win toward winning. He knows that his target audience is middle America. The Average Joes who would rather listen comfortably to Nickleback than to be challenged by Radiohead. There's a reason why Radiohead wins Grammy's while Nickleback is the best selling group in the world right now. Simon knows this. His challenge every week is to subliminally lead America toward NOT voting out the people who combine being interesting/current/polished/skilled/versatile while also not being tooooo interesting/current/polished/skilled/versatile. There's a reason Michael Sarver will be on the tour. America eats that shit up. A current pair that stands out to me is Kris Allen (who I can barely ever remember) and Adam Lambert (who I can hardly stop listening to).

Two weeks ago, Adam Lambert did this crazy-ass rendition of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire". I personally loved it. Simon "hated" it. He called it "Horrific" and "self-indulgent". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "Bullshit". I don't know if he liked it or not, and that's really irrelevant. I think that what Adam did was not by any measure "horrific". Possibly self-indulgent, but it wasn't his arrangement so whatever. Anyway... what I think happened was this: Adam did this wacky thing and it was during country week, which happens to be an important demographic, and Simon REALLY wants this dude to stick around so he dinged him a little. Like... "Get back a little closer to the middle and you'll win this thing." Adam wasn't in any real danger of going home THAT week because there were too many people less popular so it was the perfect time to "knock him down a peg" and get him to understand that it's okay to be different (David Cook's "Billie Jean") but not okay to be TOO different (Sanjaya...anything). It's great to be good (Jordin Sparks), but it's a little touchier to be GREAT (can't think of anyone right now, which is sort of the point... Maybe Jennifer Hudson or Melinda Dolittle (but then that's another thing altogether)).

Then you have silly Kris Allen who this week, during the Motown theme, sang some song or other... (I literally can't remember, because he's so fucking boring). Now Kris is the exact opposite of Adam Lambert in almost every way, but he's getting the same sort of push from the other direction. Kris is more than serviceable. He's talented. He's got the looks that girls plaster their rooms with and he can sing and play guitar, which pretty much makes him a walking dollar sign. The thing is... he's also kinda forgettable. He's so nice and simple and wholesome. He's like the Osmonds... Got the skills and the looks and whatnot, but you're still hungry for more when they're done assaulting you with their Book of Mormon or their songs or whatever. So what does Simon do? Simon knows that Kris is safe...the teen girls will save him for a while longer for sure... so he says the exact opposite thing he tells Adam "be more interesting. Have more swagger. Do something self indulgent."

It's a fine, fine line. Adam Lambert is great. He's not everyone's cup of tea, but there is absolutely no room for debate that he's a singular talent. He's totally unpredictable, even down to the modulations within his songs. This scares Simon, because it excites him at the possibilities, but it also doesn't always translate into sales. On the other hand Kris Allen is as predictable as a McDonalds McNugget. The same every time. He's got talent, but people also want to remember your concert five minutes after it's over. One of them Simon tries to rein in. One he tries to set loose a little. It's a fascinating balancing act to watch as he coaxes two front runners. Can't be too negative too often or the voters will start picking up on it and will follow suit (the only one this didn't work with was Taylor, and turns out Simon was right.) Can't be too positive or there'll be a "bandwagon backlash".

I was thinking about this a lot, and I am trying really really hard to think of a music icon who would have been a safe bet from the start. I can't think of one. This leads me to hypothesize that you can't predict the all-timers. You can predict the solid stars and the giant failures (usually), but it's nearly impossible to predict the ones that are the absolute grand-slam home runs, and so chasing them isn't a good business model (again with the Eisner singles and doubles.)

Elvis? Some people say he's the most influential entertainer of the 20th Century (I say Walt Disney, but whatever). That said, how do you predict a white boy from Mississippi who sings gospel and rock-a-billy becoming the biggest celebrity in the world based on this wacky new music?

Madonna? She's essentially a dancer with a serviceable voice (at best). If a music producer told me that they'd signed a dancer with a serviceable voice to a record deal and said that some day she'd be the richest, most successful female singer of all time, I'd tell them that I'm not a leprechaun and that I don't grant wishes. She basically become a star through sheer force of will and charisma. Not something quantifiable.

Michael Jackson? Now...he's a special case, because he was a star as a kid before he had any control over her personna and whatever, but let's say a completely unknown Michael Jackson showed up at Motown Records in 1983 or whatever and he was all "Salutations friends. I'm gonna be the most famous person on Earth in 2 years! Send me your chimps and small children!" I'm pretty sure that record executive calls the cops.

Anyway... It's a tough job Simon has is all I'm saying. You can't predict the legends. In fact, it's more a matter of not fucking up the sure things and hoping for the best.

Alan and I were discussing whether or not the mediocre ones know they're mediocre and merely playing to the middle... and I honestly don't know. Part of me wants to think that Nickelback knows that what they're doing is fluff and that they're okay with it, because they do their side projects to satiate their artistic insides and then they go tour and they bang really really hot dumb girls and roll around on their mattresses stuffed with cash. They are not without talent. I don't honestly believe you can be a success without having at least some talent.

The difference between them and a John Lennon is that the dudes in Nickelback are at peace with (at the least) or even embrace (more likely) their middle of the road confomity and they suckle at that teet until it runs dry. I do think there's probably some delusion in there too... like they probably occasionally write a song where they're all "This is it! This is the one where the artistic and the mainstream finally collide and we take it to that iconic level" and it's just another one of the 50 songs that sound exactly the same as all the others. On the other hand, I have no problem seeing John Lennon thinking that every song he ever wrote was total shit, and he pops out Imagine or Yesterday. Or even one of the 50 other legendary songs.

I guess my extremely long-winded point is that Simon Cowell's goal isn't to find the next John Lennon or Elvis. His goal is to find the next Nickelback. That may kill him every day, and it may just make him seem awfully mean to guys like Kris Allen who have the talent but no personality, so they just need a little nudge to be truly commercially viable. And it may kill him worse to kinda ding Adam Lambert who artistically is an unknown on this type of show and possibly has the ability to do amazing things, but might just be a little too scary for general American consumption in his current form.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Is it possible to predict greatness? Discuss...

Obligatory Politics

Hey Folks-

I feel, generally, that it's important for me to keep super divisive opinions out of this particular blog. That said...

Today I'm proud to be an American for one of the first times since the Clinton administration. Yes... I had an overwhelming sense of patriotism around 9/11. Yes... I had my "Support the Troops" magnet on my car for several years, and still would if I still had that car. Yes...that's a simple gesture that really doesn't SAY anything.

Today I feel that surge of "love of country" again. Why? For the first time in my eight bleak years I feel like something important happened politically that may actually show there's hope for a turn-around. I was emotional watching the "roll call" of delegates from each state. I was emotional when I saw a woman openly weeping for joy on national television, calling today "Christmas". I was emotional when I listened to John Lewis (seriously...read that link), a congressman from Georgia, who marched with Martin Luther King. The man said something that struck me more than anything any politician has ever said. His exact words are important enough that I found a transcript....

"Well, I’ve been knowing the Clintons for a long time. President Clinton has been like a brother. And I’ve known Hillary Clinton has been my friend for many, many years. And they’re still friends of mine. And I supported them in the very beginning. And along the way, I saw something happened. I had what we call an executive session with myself. And I said what Barack Obama is doing is akin to the movement of what we were fighting for, struggling for. And I said to myself I want to be on the right side of history. And I made the decision to change and commit to Barack Obama . "

The man realized that he wanted to be on the "right side of history". Coming from a man who has such a sense of history, that means something important.

So yeah... I'm pumped about the official nomination of Barack Obama. I don't know if he'll win, but I know that it says nothing but good things about our country that the Democratic party's candidate for president came down to a choice between a woman and an African-American. I know also, that his ability to stir people, to inspire them is a gift that I've so rarely seen in politics that I want to get up and act for the betterment of the world. The only other person that inspired me was Bill Clinton. (I'm about to watch Clinton's speech from tonight. I DVR'd it.) That dude is still a rock-star. Still the greatest speaker I've ever seen. Still the most charismatic. That said, I think Obama can surpass him.

(Clinton has just had a 5 minute insane ovation. Awesome)

I think Obama will. I'm finally feeling like a turn-around is possible, and that's why today means something to me.