Flip It!

The other day the TM and I were invited to an impromptu gathering at the home of some friends. We were lured with the promise of beer and fire and good company, and that’s pretty much all we need to clear our schedules, so we accepted.

The day before I got a text asking if we could provide the desserts, and as any long-time reader of my blog will know, this was right up my alley. So much so, the TM had purchased a special cookbook called The Joy of Cheesecake for Christmas this past year.

I quickly responded back that I would be glad to bring a cheesecake. After much perusing of the cookbook and keeping in mind the audience (one of the friends has a severe gluten allergy)… I was at a loss. Then the TM suggested a crustless blueberry cheesecake. It looked fairly straightforward, and I like blueberries, so I was sold.

This cheesecake presented a few firsts for me. It was the first cheesecake I’d made that didn’t call for baking. It was set using gelatin instead, which I’d never used before. It was the first crust-free cheesecake I’d ever made. It was also the first one that uses cottage cheese as well as cream cheese. It also didn’t use any flour at all.

I should mention a couple more things… First, The TM decided to go to bed immediately after we purchased the supplies, and she’s the expert baker in the house. I’ve utilized her advice throughout all of my previous baking adventures. I was flying solo.

Second, there was an additional, optional level of difficulty in that the cheesecake was designed to be flipped after it sets, so that the berries are on top.

It’s possible that I bit off more than I could chew.

After much discussion, the TM suggested that I use wax paper or parchment paper to line the pie pan, thus making the cheesecake easily flappable when the time came.

Did I listen? That would have made far too much sense. My need for aesthetic won the day, and I felt that the crinkly paper would make the cake look messy after the paper was peeled away.

So with that, she went to bed, and adrift on a sea of dairy I went.

The very first bit of instruction the recipe gave was to put the cottage cheese through a sieve. I immediately began thinking to myself “Do we have a sieve?” and “I’ve never seen a sieve in the house.” And indeed, we don’t have a sieve, so I started to brainstorm.

After a cursory look through the kitchen, and dismissing things like the cheese grater and garlic press as either too messy or too time intensive respectively, I settled on a wire colander. I poured the cup of large curd cottage cheese into that colander, threw on a rubber glove, and started pressing it bit by bit through the drainer. I can’t say this was a fun task. The colander wasn’t ergonomically designed to have cheese pressed through it, and my hand started seizing up before long. That may be the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted, but you know.. there it is.

I also had this sneaking suspicion that the drainer didn’t quite make the cottage cheese as smooth as it was supposed to be. When I relayed this portion of the story to the TM later on, without missing a beat, she was all “Food processor. Duh”.

I’ll just sit here being ashamed.

The next step in the process was to combine the sugar, egg yolk, milk, and gelatin in a double boiler until it was all dissolved.

Do we have a double boiler? Nope.

This wasn’t as big a problem since I’ve improvised them before for melting chocolate and whatnot. I ended up using 2 separate sauce pans of different sizes. The biggest problem I had during this step was that I didn’t realize that the main light that illuminates the stove area was out, and I had a really tough time determining the progress of the concoction. This wasn’t really that big an issue, but it was at least a challenge in the moment.

The next steps were pretty straightforward. You know.. the usual:

Mix the cream cheese and cottage cheese and lemon juice until smooth and “fluffy”.
Mix in the gelatin mixture.
Whip the egg white into stiff peaks and incorporate.
Whip the heavy cream into stiff peaks and incorporate.

All of those things are easy, and nothing new. In fact, the remainder of the assembly went smoothly.

I buttered the pie pan as instructed (as preparation for the later flipping) and spread an entire carton of blueberries around the bottom. This was, in fact, the “crust” of this crustless cheesecake. The concept here was that once the cheesecake set, I’d be able to seamlessly flip it over, and have this beautiful cheesecake with this amazing topping of blueberries somewhat embedded into the top, and also a bit softened and sweetened by the process.

I went to bed with at least middling hopes that I could pull it off. I had a fairly lofty expectation that that aside from the strange grainy texture of the entire thing (created by the improper smoothing of the cottage cheese), the cheesecake would be a hit, much like most of the confections from my past. Some of which have been immortalized right here in print.

I even tasted the “batter” off the spatula, and was at least relatively optimistic that the flavors and the flipping would win out.

Anyway, cheesecake sat, and it chilled, and the gelatin set. All overnight.

The next evening, we made preparations to head over. The TM was all “alright.. let’s flip this bitch.” And I was all “Uh… I… uh… I don’t think we should yet. Maybe [The Burly Amigo] will help when we get to their house.”

The TM looked at me skeptically, but shrugged, and was all “Alrighty.” I could see the disappointment in her eyes. That look where she’ll forever know I’m a pussy when it comes to flipping cheesecake.

I believe in that moment she knew we’d never be flipping any damned cheesecake that night. And she was right.

By the time we got over to the [Burly and Gluten-Free Amigos (GFA)] home, the cheesecake had softened a tad, and warmed, and my courage had entirely dissipated. I talked it over very briefly with Burly Amigo (BA from here on) and BA was all… “Yeah… maybe we better not. I’m sure it’ll be good as is.”

With that, we ate dinner, had some beer, and sat around the bonfire for a while. Maybe a little too long, as by the time we got around to wanting the dessert, the cake had softened a bit more, and it didn’t hold shape well at all. Certainly this made the notion of flipping it a laughable one, but even more disappointingly it made the integrity of each piece fairly tenuous too. Gloopy even.

I’m not gonna go through the play by play from here. The cheesecake was consumed politely, mostly. The BA didn’t seem to like blueberries (I could KICK myself because it certainly could be pretty much ANY berry), and I was completely put off by the texture. And the GFA seemed to choke some down, but let’s be clear. Nobody, including me, clamored for seconds of any kind.

I’d call it the worst attempt at a dessert I’d ever made. Certainly, the texture was unappetizing. It was a failure of execution, made worse by my pussery. I believe that had I made an attempt at flipping it at home, and failed, we would have at least successfully made it to the grocery for a replacement. If I’d unsuccessfully flipped it at the home of the Amigos, I would at least have had a good story.

As it is, I had a fairly run of the mill cheesecake with decent flavor, but fatal texture. Like… seriously, it’s no good.

At least in the future I’ll know to use the food processor. Or maybe we’ll by a fucking sieve.

And lord willing I’ll have the balls to flip the bitch.

Harried Muchacho

I’ve been so consumed with the production of The Crucible I’m directing, that I’ve found it difficult to get fired up about anything enough to make a blog out of it, and when I do think of something to write about, I’ve been having a difficult time really pinning it down in a logical way. For this blog alone, I’ve thought about the following:

- Favorite fictional characters from Television
- Favorite shows I watch while working overnight.
- Things I hate about renovating.
- The weird feeling I have when people I know, or have known for years, show up in national commercials, or when they show up in movies. This has been happening quite a lot lately. Enough, in fact, that the TM keeps asking me “Do you know that person?” whenever I perk up at a thing on TV.
- A Reds season preview/another meandering blog about baseball and the importance of it in my life.
- The phenomenon of celebrity.

I mean… some of these have legs, and some of these don’t, but I’m not super inspired by any…so in true Muchacho tradition, I’ve decided to write a quick update about various things in my life. Nothing like culling my day to day for material, right?

Vegetarian Stuff…
In case you wondered, I am still a vegetarian. I’m still allowing myself fish/shellfish/seafood so it’s sort of a loose vegetarianism, but I haven’t had red or white meat for a full 3 months now, and I actually no longer even remember what the last meat I had was…
Do I miss meat? Sort of… I miss it more as an idea than I do in practice. I haven’t been a big meat eater for several years, but I find myself frustrated by not being able to even have most “Soups of the Day” or having to pick off the delicious bacon that comes on the top of cream of potato soup. (Not loaded baked potato soup, where you’d expect bacon). That was sort of heartbreaking…to fastidiously remove the bacon. I’ve been careful to ask beforehand now, because that was fairly torturous, and was certainly the closest I’ve come to saying “fuck it.”
When we’re at home, the TM and I are pretty good about making various vegetarian foods and keeping it pretty interesting. She’s developed a fantasic recipe for bean enchiladas that continues to evolve. I made some pretty decent vegetarian chili. I’ve eaten tofu hot dogs at least a couple of times without wanting to kill myself.

Progress…

Could I do it forever? I dunno… I think I could definitely do like… 80-90%, but damnit do I miss bacon. It’s not even that I had bacon that often, but the prospect of bacon is appealing in itself. It’s also pretty depressing to go to the local barbeque places and not even be able to enjoy the fucking baked beans because they’re made with ham hock.

Wood Working Stuff…

I succeeded in completing my first project in February… a manly as hell workshop light that wasn’t particularly complicated, but definitely required some muscle. It took me a solid 2 days to make it, and I really do like it. It’s created a very bright workshop for future projects.

As for those future projects… I feel like it’s a bit of a cop-out to even say this, because I should have spent more time researching the hobby ahead of time, but damnit is this an expensive way to pass the time. Tools are really pricey, and it seems that each project requires like… 5 tools that are specific to that one kind of project only. I had been registered for a dovetail joint workshop, but ended up having to drop out, because even though the workshop was listed as being 110.00, which I paid… once I started reading more about it, I realized that I also had to bring like… 4 pieces of equipment I don’t already have. It would have ended up costing about 300.00 to do this 100.00 workshop. So…I canceled. It, admittedly, has taken the wind out of my sails at least a little, though I am working on something now that I hope to be completed by the end of the month. At this point, I’m a month behind on my projects, and maybe some of my readers were right… 11 pieces was optimistic. Not in terms of workload, but in terms of cost.

House stuff…
The TM and I have spent the last 3 months having stuff done to our house, and I’ll be honest with you…. As nice as many of the things are, and as necessary as the rest was… I’m so fucking tired of having people in the house. No offense at all to the contractors who are super nice and very professional, but I just want to sit around the house on my off days without my pants on, and your presence has hindered that a great deal.

That said, though… We have at least 3 super fantastic upgrades to the house that will increase the value if we ever decide to sell, and will certainly increase the enjoyment we have while we stay.

First, we re-did the deck in the backyard. This was a huge deal, since the old deck was nice, but was also rotting and falling down. The new deck is a good deal bigger, and has some cool features like a cutout for a tree in the middle, with a great bench surrounding it. I LOVE the new deck.

Also in the backyard, we removed all of the pieced –together sections of fencing and installed a 6 foot privacy fence all around the yard. This sounds so isolationist, but we’re getting a dog in the fall, so dog-safety is paramount. Also it does look so nice compared to the old fence.

Lastly (of my favorite upgrades), we knocked out the windows in our dining room, and had French doors installed in their place. These open up onto the deck, which now extends over far enough for that to actually work. Previously, the deck ended a good 10 feet to the left.

I guess what I’m saying is that our back yard is now really fucking awesome. We managed to take a largely forgotten space (also featuring some of the most hellacious weeds on the planet), and turn it into a really nice, extra living space that will be great for us, for our future dog, and for future residents if we decide to leave.

I mentioned the weed issue… well… through no real fault of anyone, and largely because last Summer was so insanely busy, the back corner of the yard (more like the back right QUARTER) became completely overgrown. Like… unpassable. So last Wednesday, I also managed to adhere to one of my resolutions, and did some house improvement work by tearing that shit down. It was hard, and it was hot, and I may have dulled the blades on the lawn mower, but I have to say I’m pretty pleased at the result.

I can also wager a guess that this corner of the yard will continue to be problematic. The yard slopes downward toward that corner, and water seems to flow that direction. Away from the house, which is good, but toward that corner… tending to make it a muddier, swampy area. This is bad for walking and enjoying, but really really good for plants. Those irksome weeds especially. Expect more updates on this once the play is over, and we’re back from our vacation.

Oh… That blogging thing.
My other resolution was that I’d be blogging more this year… I am pleased to say that I’ve pretty successfully stuck to my one-blog-per-week routine, though I’ve been delayed in posting until later in the week a couple of times. I am giving myself a pass on that.

In fact… I have basically committed to blogging EVEN MORE because of my new Disney-themed blog, which launched last week. If you’re interested in just my Disney blogs, check it out. I’ll post a link here every time I blog over there, so don’t worry… but if you want to add it to the blog roll now, the URL is:

http://beefydisney.blogspot.com

This has turned into a lot of babbling, so I’ll cut this off now… Some blogs to look forward to:

Imagineering Disney - A (hopefully) recurring segment on rides or attractions I’ve thought up. To be posted on BeefyDisney.

The Muchacho Tattoo… My resident Muchacho Artist, Tony Doench has completed my tattoo design, so now I just have to find a time to schedule the session. I’m hoping Jake (the tattoo artist) will let me time lapse the process. Either way, I’ll blog about it.

The Reds/Baseball blog. I just have to think of a good angle.

I’m always thinking about posting serialized original fiction as I write it…sort of like a workshop. We’ll see if that comes together.

Happy April!

I'm Still Resolute

Well… It’s been just over a month since I stated my New Year’s Resolutions, and I figured I may as well keep myself honest and provide everybody with a full-on update on each of my stated goals.

May as well just get started, huh?

Furniture Making –
First off… I think I should amend my wording. I’m not expressly looking at making big furniture pieces, so perhaps I would have been more exact by calling it “woodworking”. I think a nice wood box is a perfectly acceptable project, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it “furniture”. Same for an end-grain chopping block. I’m sure there are other examples, but I bring up these, because I’ve got both on my radar. Maybe I’m being self-serving here, but since the woodworking is certainly a learning process, starting with a book case or a roll-top desk isn’t realistic or a good way to learn.

So… how’s my progress? Well… Slow. It’s really fucking hard. I’ve been working on my dovetail joints, and getting in a lot of practice with my chisels and mallets and pieces of wood. I’ve spent a good amount of money purchasing tools and supplies and all that. I’ve gone to a friend’s woodworking shop to get in some practice with a more experienced person… still… slow going. I feel confident that I will still have my 11 projects complete by the end of the year, but I’m not sure if I can realistically go month to month. Some months are tougher than others, and each project has a different amount of time needed to complete it.

I HAVE identified my first two projects…

1) An end-grain chopping block/cutting board. This is a fairly cool project that isn’t overly complicated. It primarily is a practice in direction following, and clamping. Not a ton of cutting, not any real joinery. A good first project.

2) A box for my chisels. The box itself isn’t all that complicated, though would involve some dovetail joints (visible ones, not the utterly perplexing hidden ones). It also would have little interior inserts were you set the chisels.

Among the other projects for the year -  Zig Zag Chair, Tool Chest, and a set of narrow drawers.

Grade after One Month -  B minus. I’ve been working hard on the joints, but I have been indecisive about my projects and the definition of furniture. Now that I feel more clear on that, I think I can bring that grade up.


One Home Improvement Project a Week -

To be honest, I personally have done very little myself, but I am going to give myself a temporary pass since our entire house has been consumed with big home improvement work for the past 3 weeks. We’ve re-done our kitchen, we’ve knocked out dining room windows to install French doors. We had our deck torn down. We’ve added a privacy fence. When I say “we”, I really mean contractors, but that doesn’t make the projects any less disruptive. I’m seriously so tired of the mess… I’m just glad they’re doing a good job.

So…
Grade after One Month – Incomplete.
I’m not making excuses, but projects have been completed, just not by me. We still have another week on the interior, and probably another week on the exterior.

Vegetarian for a Year

This one, I’m pleased to say, is going well. I’ve been meat free for a little over a month, and I’m not feeling bad about it so far.

Some random observations:
- Usually I prefer eating out over eating at home. This has actually reversed since the beginning of the year. I think it’s because the Tofu Muchacha and I are fairly accustomed to eating almost entirely vegetarian at home anyway (aside from a meaty chili or the very occasional corned beef). I didn’t realize it, but the times I was most likely to eat meat was when we went out.

-Soup is my friend. I fucking love soup. I look forward to soup. Soup never lets me down.

- I’m feeling pretty good about my fish once a week thing. It’s made any sort of meat craving pretty insignificant.

- It’s hard to even pinpoint what meats I miss… I guess bacon. Not that I ate a ton of bacon, but it’s difficult to get a good potato soup at a restaurant that doesn’t include bacon.

- I have always been fairly eye-rolly about the people who bitch about there not being enough vegetarian options at restaurants. It always seemed silly to complain about how other people fail to accommodate your personal preferences. Well… I kinda get it now. The TM and I went to this German restaurant (in preparation for seeing CCM’s “Spring Awakening”, and while I expected it to be just as mean-laden as it was, I found myself annoyed at the seeming afterthought given to the vegetarian choices.
- Of course… I just determined what I could get and got something. Unlike this girl at the table next to us, who… I guess just ordered whatever her finger landed on in the menu, because when the waitress brought the food to their table.

The annoying hipster girl was all “is there meat in this?”

The waitress : “In goetta? Yes. It’s ground sausage.”

The annoying hipster girl: “Oh… I didn’t know what goetta was. I thought it was cheese.”

The waitress: “Ookay.”

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend (Accusatorily) : Um… She can’t eat that. She’s a vegetarian.”

The waitress (thinking to herself) – How hard would it have been to ask about the German thing you don’t know, since it’s probably not all that safe to assume it’s cheese.

The waitress (out loud): "Do you want me to bring you something else?"

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend: “Eh.”

They  then left the place without finishing their meal. I not sure if they paid.

Anyway… I know what Goetta is, and despite how delicious it may be, I know not to order it at a restaurant for at least the next year. I also know that if I'm not familiar with something, maybe I should ask what it is before ordering it. 

Grade after One Month: A minus.

 I’ve been successful so far. No lapses, not much temptation. I’m not like… LOVING it, but I do think that it’s promoting some healthier choices… and some less. (Cheese sticks? Fail.)

Get in Shape for the November 10K.
This one has been the least successful so far. I’ve really not taken any real substantive steps toward this one, and as opposed to the home improvement one… there’s no real reason I can’t have started, and there’s not really a way for someone else doing exercise can substitute for me doing it. If there was… I’d be rocking it, because the TM runs like someone is fucking chasing her every week. It’s maddening how dedicated and disciplined she is. I admire it, for sure.

All is not lost, though…

The plan all along was to start this one a little later, just to allow myself a tiny opportunity to ease into the plan. We talked about me getting a personal trainer starting around my birthday (Less than 2 weeks!). Unfortunately that well hasn’t been as fertile as we’d hoped, but I am using my tax refund to buy a good rowing machine. The reason I’m drawn toward that versus an elliptical or something of that nature is that my knees suck ass, so being able to do some real cardio on the rower, without putting strain on my joints is a good thing.

Oh… and I have a heavy bag that I like to punch, and I’ve been working on my form, I downloaded a boxing timer app for my iPad, and I like doing the rounds. It seems so finite, and not that indimidating. Of course, I’m only doing 3 or 4 at the moment, and the last 2 minutes feels like someone’s been making me carry jugs of water.

Grade after One Month – C minus.

Not a complete failure, but not really that good either.

Blog Once a Week
I can honestly say… I’ve been rocking this one. So far, through February 6^th, I’ve posted SEVEN blogs for the year. The last 4 months of 2011 featured 6 posts total. “

I’m interested in hearing what everyone things of the blogs. In general, I think they’re fine, but nothing really as stellar as the best of the best blogs in the past. I’m going to word away from blogging about sports, I think, or at least the nitty gritty type stuff. It seems that most everyone ignores that.

I’m also considering branching off and creating an “All Disney” Muchacho blog. There were a lot of interesting conversation topics that came up while I worked on that dual email with Annie, and there really is nothing more fun to blather about at length than Disney. If I were to do that, I would simulcast the blogs in both locations. Part of my knows that if I focus my efforts on a single topic, my readership will go up… Another part of me knows that my bad mouth isn’t really “Disney-esque”, so I kinda feel like I should make the Disney blogs an no-cuss zone. Kinda hard to enforce that when if my smiling Disney-Fan reader scrolls down too far on this page, they’re bombarded by motherfuckers. (See? I just did it).

Anyway… I’m pretty pleased about this resolution so far. I think that, depending on my schedule, I could even potentially do more. I’ve got my next two tick-tockin’ away.

Grade after One Month – A Minus

I like it. The people like it. Blogging regularly is good. That is all.

Stay tuned next week for “Chocolate, Wine, and Shopping”: Womanhood’s Trio of Kryptonite . Accompanied by “Beer, Boobs, and Big Televisions”: Manhood’s Fearsome Threesome.  

Reginald Denny Would be So Bummed

You know what? I'm fucking tired of people. That's right. I said it.

People suck these days. There's no getting around it. Nobody has any regard for anyone any more. It's such a fucking bummer.

So today, I'm gonna talk about some of the things people do that I don't get. Some of it is just common courtesy. Like.. traffic stuff. Seriously... I'm seriously gonna bitch about traffic and other peoples' driving.

Some of it is more of a new kind of etiquette for a modern society. Fucking Facebook dickheads. You know? Like, this isn't a problem people had to handle 20 years ago, but even though there's no real established kind of decorum that Ms. Manners wrote a book about, I feel like there's just some common sense stuff that people generally seem to ignore on the interwebs, because I guess there's no danger of being punched in the fucking face. Anyway, I wish there was a "Punch in the Fucking Face" button right next to the "Like" button.

Let's start with the traffic bullshit.

I'm just gonna say it... It's fucking rude to take more time to park than is necessary to actually just park. If we're in a completely empty parking lot or whatever, fine... do what you have to do, but if it's the middle of the day, and you really think your time or convenience is so much more valuable than everyone elses that you feel the need to BACK IN to a space. I'm telling you right now, you're wrong. Even if I'm not personally being inconvenienced, or even if my time specifically is not at a premium at that moment, you don't fucking know me, so just pull into the space like a decent human being.

Allow me to provide you with a scenario... one that I briefly summarized on Facebook and started like a serious debate about patience and common courtesy or whatever. That's cool, and all good, and for the most part everyone was well behaved during said Facebook debate, so whatever, but I'm gonna break it down for everyone again.

It's 4:00 pm. I'm at Rookwood Pavilion in Cincinnati, circling an extremely crowded lot looking for a space to get my damned Starbucks. I am NOT in a rush, as I don't have anywhere to be for a full hour, so I'm just circling the lot with 2 people in front of me, waiting my turn.

Finally a spot opens up right by the front of the store, and the first person in line signals that they'll be taking it. Fine. Good.. That's what is supposed to happen. But then, for some reason, they pull past the space, swing wide and then SLOWLY start backing in to the spot. This is ridiculous for a couple of reasons.

1) It takes 4 times as long as parking regularly.
2) It completely blocks the rest of the people waiting to park, since they swung wide and then blocked the full lane with their giant car.

During this little parking scene, a spot on the other side of the lot opens up, and is immediately taken by a car just entering the lot that wasn't blocked by the parker.

Allow me to provide an illustration. And yes... this is the EXACT parking lot.

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm being a jerk about this. The photo of the lot is actually pretty accurate to what it was like that day. No spots, the same direction of driving as the day in question.

So... The commenters on my Facebook came down on a couple of different sides.

1) Agreement
2) Devil's Advocate (they were all "what would YOU have done?")
3) Disagreement (I don't know that person's reasoning, so I shouldn't assume they were being a jerk)
4) Not only disagreeing, but saying that they would back in also, and if honked at they'd go slower (apparently daring someone to key their car).
5) Telling everyone who agrees with me that we all need to calm down because patience is a virtue or something.

Here's the thing. It's not at all about patience. It's not about personal histories of every driver on the road. My feeling is... I don't know you, you don't know me, so I'll assume you're a crazy person, and I expect the same.

I completely agree that if I know your full life story, I may concede the extra time it takes for you to pull in backward. I may also concede my own convenience if I like you, or if you're old, or you have a cute dog.

If you are neither old, or likeable, or have an adorable pet... Do us all a favor and be as efficient as possible, dude, because I don't fucking know you.


We live in a society. By definition, there are other people in a society. To assume or contend that your pain or convenience makes you better than me, well... I have news for you. You're not better than me, or anyone else.

You wanna know how I knew I was actually annoyed and not just traffic annoyed (a state I am in almost all the time)? I knew I was truly annoyed because I personally wasn't inconvenienced in any particular way. As I said earlier, I wasn't in a rush. I had nowhere to be. In fact, after I watched the 2nd golden spot get taken, I just left and went to another Starbucks.

I wasn't inconvenienced, so i knew it was bunk. BUNK.

Moving on.. Let's talk about Facebook for a minute.

I recently had an exchange on Facebook where I'd posted a sincere comment on something (on my own page), and had multiple people decide they wanted to either argue or tell me I was stupid. It upset me, I'll admit. I was taken aback by the sort of aggressiveness of the comments. I deleted the first one, where they felt the need to disagree with my statement, and wrote  a new one. I said that there's always a time and a place to debate those things, but I'd rather people didn't use that particular comment. I even invited people to leave related comments on a new post on my page if they felt the need to. That request was summarily ignored by someone telling me my opinion was stupid.

It took me by surprise, because I don't really feel like I'm on those kinds of terms with either of those people. It could be said that by putting it on my page, I was opening myself up for whatever, but really? If someone goes to a poetry reading and does their thing, is it acceptable to heckle them? I mean... it's allowed, but am I wrong to think that it's not a cool thing to do?

So it struck me that people have this feeling that the screen and keyboard provides this magical free pass to say whatever they want. The Tofu Muchacha has experienced that kind of thing with her blog.  She's allowed anonymous commenting for a while, and there has been an increase in unconstructive, mean comments. It hurts me to hear it, because I hate to see her feelings hurt by a stranger. Especially one who doesn't have the courage to provide an identity.

The internet sucks sometimes.

So anyway, because of those feelings I had, let me make some suggestions as to how to behave toward your fellow humans on Facebook.

Consider the following "The Bible of Facebook Etiquette". Unless you don't believe in the bible, in which case, let's call it the "God Delusion of Facebook Etiquette" (please excuse the very specifically directed Richard Dawkins reference.... That was for you, Hombre.)

Rule 1: No Hijacking Other People's Posts
If I write:
"Man... I really love Disney"

There are many varieties of appropriate responses.
- You can simply "Like" it.
- You can be all "Yeah! Disney Roolz!",
- You can say "Disney's Whatevs, but Universal is WAY better" (you'd be wrong, obviously).
- Maybe "What's your favorite ride??"

Really any of those are cool. What's not cool?

"I don't give a crap about Disney. I care more about the presidential election."

By saying that, you're saying that what I care about is stupid (and yet... you are my Facebook friend). You're also saying that whatever thing you've got to talk about is more important. That's fine, but leave it on your own page. It is NOT okay to derail someone's Facebook post (assuming that post had nothing to do with you to begin with).


There's one other appropriate response. You can ignore it. What?!? You mean I don't HAVE to weigh in on literally every status update on my stream? I can simply, if I'm not feeling a particular post, NOT do anything?

That's right. You can just move on to the next one. And that's what you should do.

There is nothing more ridiculous, if you don't care what a person has to say, than taking the time to say you don't care. That's the beauty of Facebook. It's not directed at anyone in particular. You don't need to feel compelled to respond.




Rule 2: Don't Fight with People You Don't Know
Look... I'm all about a good debate.

When I'm commenting on my friend's post, there's always a chance I may disagree with something my friend's friend says.  A lot of times I've never met that person before. Because, they're one of those "You have 1 friend in common" people.

So when I say to that person "What are you, some kind of idiot?"... That's not cool.

It's no different than saying it to a complete stranger having a conversation at a restaurant. Oh, except that while telling a stranger at a restaurant they're an idiot when they're being an idiot might sound freaking awesome, it's not awesome to put your mutual friend in a weird position when that dude you told off is all "What the hell is wrong with your friend?" to that same mutual friend.


I know it's tempting. If you want to fight, fight on your own page with your own friends like a civilized person.


Oh... If they start it? Have at it.

Rule 3: C'mon Dude.... Read a Room.
There are occasions when the frivolity of Facebook gets all serious, and someone posts something that's actually sincere or important to them.

Please, for the love of Pete, let them be.


When your friend says "I have Lupus", it's not the time to say "Haha... Did you get diagnosed on "House"?  You probably have a third testicle instead".

When your friend says "My dad just died", it is not the time to say "Whatever dude, do you wanna watch
some college football this Saturday?"

When your friend says "Today's been a shitty day", it is not the time to say "I bet mine was worse."



There are times when people are upset, and they want to vent. There are times when people are feeling introspective or contemplative, and while I agree that perhaps Facebook isn't the most private way to have those feelings, it can be a very cathartic experience to post something on Facebook, and have 30 people "Like" your response.

I'm not about to get totally maudlin or anything, because this blog was about being pissed off at how rude people can be, but let me just say...

Facebook has a lot of power today. It's sad, maybe, but it's true. People are killing themselves, because they're being bullied. They're coming out of the closet. They're announcing their engagements, and babies, and losses, and grief, and triumphs. It's really one of the most incredible networks of social interaction in history. Maybe perhaps THE most incredible. There are a BILLION people on Facebook. That's a seventh of the world.

Anyone who's experienced a flood of birthday wishes on their wall can tell you that even that brief "Happy Birthday" can make you feel special. It's an awesome feeling when Facebook is cool. I've even grown closer to people in my family because of it, and while that may be sad in a way, I'm glad it's there. I will never say that it replaces real human contact, because it doesn't, and it can't, but it does have power.


People are too often forgetful that just because it's easy to post something off the cuff because the keyboard almost equals anonymity, you're not anonymous. It might be silly to care, but people care.

We live in a world where people feel like their relationships aren't official until people change statuses. Facebook is here. It's a thing. It's not a fad (at least the concept isn't). So, I guess what i'm saying is... be nice to people. Watch what you say. If you wouldn't say it in person, don't say it on Facebook. Be honest about that.





Kind of a disappointing rant.

My bad.

The 2011 Muchacho Movie Rankings Part 1

Last year I wrote a blog about all of the movies I saw in the theater in 2010.

I’d always been interested in the question “What is your favorite movie?” and found my answer changing based on my tastes and my mood. This, of course, is natural, but I also wondered how I would rank the movies based solely on my gut reaction to it at the very moment I saw it, so I started at the very start of the year, and listed each movie I saw as I saw it. Each time I added a movie, I placed it within the list based on where it ranked among the other movies at the time I saw it. It was easy, because I didn’t have to evaluate each movie at the same time. I was exceptionally pleased with how the list came out, and I think it’s an interesting way to rank them.

I didn’t do it the same way this year. I didn’t keep exact running track of them. Instead, I sort of just kept a list, unranked, throughout the year, and decided to evaluate them all at once by a new criteria.

“Would I want to see it again?”

I created several categories, and started at the top, picking the movies that fit into the most esteemed category (“Movies I’d want to own”). Once I’d divvied them all out, I was able to then rank the more manageable groups within their subsets.

I think it’s still a fairly accurate portrayal of the movies I loved, liked, and disliked for the year, and I’m keeping them in order… So basically you’re getting my Best to Worst. Overall, I don’t think it was a particularly strong year.

Let’s break it down…

“Movies I Want to Own”

50/50 -
Maybe I’m not your typical “dude” who wants action, action, and more action. I’m definitely all about the story with many levels, and I really feel like no movie this year did a better job of mixing great acting, excellent writing, comedy, emotion, and people I liked doing interesting and likable things. Joseph Gordon Levitt should be considered for Best Actor this year, but he won’t be mainly because the movie came out too soon, and is probably considered too light for most voters (because what’s a movie about a young guy dying from cancer if it’s not light?). My girl Anna Kendrick rocked it, again. Seth Rogen proved he could act, and not just be awkward (like his performance in The Green Hornet, for example). I cried at this movie, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s the only one this year that really got me without me feeling a little manipulated (I’m looking at you “We Bought a Zoo”). The Oscar talk has really gotten a head of steam lately, and I rarely hear this mentioned, which is odd since Rotten Tomatoes has this as the 2011 Winner of the Golden Tomato award for Best User Reviewed movie. Everyone loved it.

The Descendants / Moneyball –
Clooney and Pitt, at it again. Um… In completely separate movies. Both feature very strong performances by these established stars, and they’re getting the majority of the attention, but they also featured great performances by other people, putting them over the top. The Descendants features Shailene Woodley as Clooney’s daughter, acting the shit out of a role that could easily be one-note, AND a barely mentioned Judy Greer as “the other man’s wife” being great in just 3 scenes. I loved her in that movie. In Moneyball, our boy Jonah Hill, before he lost a crapload of weight, playing a completely fictional person in a movie about a true story. Kinda weird, I know, but he was really good. And that movie was about baseball, so I had to give it extra points. Of all the movies on the list, theTofu Muchacha would have cared the least about this Moneyball…. One last note about The Descendants… Is it now Clooney’s secondary mission to play the leading man opposite pretty brunette girls who garner Oscar talk for Best Supporting Actress?

Harry Potter 7 part 2. –

You know what’s weird? I didn’t have part 1 on last year’s list at all. That was, I think, a mistake, or maybe I was just planning to count the whole thing as one movie and saved it for this year. Yeah… that’s what it was… Anyway, it’s very difficult to rate this movie by itself. All of the years of buildup to it sort of give it too much context for me to be completely honest about it. I could likely write a whole blog about just this movie series. It’s great, it got better as it went along, and I was totally happy with the on-screen realization of one of my all time favorite books. It didn’t pack the emotional wallop that the books did, but how could it? Still great, and I’m excited to see the kids start showing up in other movies. Radcliffe in The Woman in Black should be good.

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo –
I was about halfway through the book when I went to see the movie. I couldn’t wait anymore. I’m super glad I was impatient. I really liked it. Rooney Mara played Lisbeth Salander as the total badass I picture when I read the book, and literally every scene she was in was so arresting that I was almost hypnotized by her. There were definitely some down points in it… I find the actual mystery they’re investigating to be a bit of a non-starter, but that’s more an issue with the source material. I found the performances, across the board, to be excellent. Daniel Craig was believable as “not Bond”, Christopher Plummer was crazy good, and I loved all of the assorted Vanger family members. The Soundtrack was also excellent. Like… really excellent.

There are a bunch of movies in the next two categories, and for the most part they could have, upon further evaluation, been swapped around and I wouldn’t have questioned myself too much… However, so much of this experiment is about “Gut Reaction” at the time of viewing that I couldn’t do too much fiddling with them. I simply separated them between categories at where I felt was the best place.

Netflix on a Saturday Night (Reasonably Good Movies, worthy of a date night)

Bridesmaids / Crazy Stupid Love

Do you know that people are talking about both of these movies in terms of OSCARS? That’s so strange, you know, because I see these movies as essentially the same kind of flick, and for the most part just really fun and fluffy. Of course, both of these movies are elevated by good writing and pretty strong performances (Wiig and McCarthy in Bridesmaids and Gosling and Carrell in Crazy Stupid Love). In the end, I came close to placing these movies in the upper category, but for whatever reason (as opposed to the ones above) neither of them stuck with me long after I left the theater. I think the TM liked them both a great deal, though, so that counts for something.

We Bought A Zoo

I really liked this movie, except for the dead wife/mommy storyline. I feel like, even though it was based on a true story, this part was overly manipulative. Especially the business at the end. I really am a sucker for father/son bonding movies, and I love animals, and I am one of the few unabashed Patrick Fugit fans out there. Overall, it was a really good movie with a lot of memorable stuff, but I couldn’t rate it higher because I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a puppet as I walked out.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol / Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

Okay… So… These movies were super fun. I enjoyed both of them while I watched (especially Mission Impossible), and they were both pretty stunning to look at. So… why not in the DVD category? They suffered from the same disease…. The central conceit/ mystery was a little too convoluted for me. I left thinking that something didn’t sit right. I don’t generally have a hard time following espionage plots, but the one in Sherlock Holmes was almost impossible. I did have a hard time believing that Moriarty, with his vast intellect, would be so consumed with something so pedestrian as war racketeering. And in MI… how many times is “Global Nuclear War” going to be the goal of someone in a big spy movie? How is this a reasonable goal? Anarchy is interesting, sort of, but the odds of death are far too high for the villain to truly want to blow everything up.

Super 8 / The Muppets
I had a tough time with these two. On the surface, they’re both really strong movies that also happen to sort of prey on my own nostalgia (partly for kind of awesome filmmaking with kid stars and partly for Muppets… you can guess which was which.). I think both would be higher had I felt more personal connection with The Muppets (I liked them, I think, but I was never the huge Muppets fan that some kids were) or with late 70s nostalgia. I was born in 1980. I have a feeling if some of the key situations in Super 8 had had the ring of MY childhood, I’d feel more strongly about it. In both cases, they were enjoyable, but not indelible.
* Side note… I never put together the central concept of the Muppets until recently that the difference between Muppets and puppets is that puppets are known to be toys with hands up their asses / strings on their arms, while Muppets are regarded by all humans as completely normal and fitting within the human world. Weird, huh?

Captain America

I do know a few things for sure:
1) Chris Evans has never been as good as this.

2) The effects were awesome.

3) Elrond played the bad guy

4) The action sequences were tight.

5) The period feel of it was cool for a super hero movie.

6) The main love interest, played by Hayley Atwell, is smoking hot.

All of these things are points in the favor of Captain America. Just one problem: For the life of me I can’t really remember the plot of this movie. I mean. I remember the Captain American origin portion, but lord… that whole Elrond part was crazy and I don’t remember it. I think it involved Truman Capote.

The Big Year

This movie came and went without much comment. It was largely disliked by critics. But you know… I liked it. It wasn’t anything brilliant, and it wasn’t breaking new ground, exactly, but it was a very likeable movie, about a quirky subject (bird watching… which itself is a term disliked by that community), featuring several big name, likeable stars who do largely likeable things. It’s a pleasant movie that I would watch again if it were on cable, and if I see it on Netflix on a Saturday night with the Tofu Muchacha, I’m going to push for it… because otherwise lord knows what nonsense I’ll end up watching.

NetFlix on a Thursday Afternoon (maybe part of a movie marathon, or while we’re spending a lazy day at home)

Contagion-

A decent movie with an utterly terrifying premise. Kate Winslett dying early on doesn’t win it any points. Ultimately, it doesn’t really do anything different than several other movies with the same concept. One funny note… I’ve never witnessed more obsessive hand-washing than I did in the men’s restroom after seeing this movie. I mean, dudes were going to town.

Horrible Bosses / Our Idiot Brother

Movies featuring guys I find funny and for the most part are funny, but definitely aren’t ground breaking at all. Horrible Bosses would have been way better had it gone much further with the bad behavior of the bosses. I kind of feel like they did it with the Kevin Spacey character, but the other two were bad but didn’t really warrant the crazy level of hatred. They were definitely bad, manipulative people, but MURDER material? I’m not sure. Our Idiot Brother was largely predictable, but had some funny scenes. Especially the ones featuring the hippie boyfriend of Paul Rudd’s ex. That dude brought this one up at least a category.

Thor / X-Men First Class

The mediocre super-hero movies of this year’s batch. They both had cool things (most of the Thor/ Asgard stuff , and Fassbender). They both also had some fairly glaring flaws (most of the Earth stuff in Thor, and the horrible, over-the-top acting of Kevin Bacon in X-Men). Origin stories are interesting sometimes, and sometimes they feel like setup. These two flicks wound up more on the “felt like setup” side. Thor was the most obviously “engineered for The Avengers” of all of the pre-avengers movies. X-Men seemed to want to establish a new group of actors to play younger versions of these characters, because presumably Famke Janssen, Hugh Jackman, James Marsden are all too fucking old at this point, or have realized they have better things to do. If that’s the case with X-Men, I give it a pass, because I like the new cast. Unfortunately, I fear that Jennifer Lawrence may have something better to do now (what with being the lead in The Hunger Games and all).

30 Minutes or Less

Okay… I loved 50 percent of this movie. The Jessie Eisenberg /Aziz Ansari portion of this movie cracked me up. I think Ansari is one of the funniest people working today. He’s fucking hilarious right now. He’s got this delivery where he points out obvious things with incredulity that makes me laugh every time. Eisenberg’s character was also funny, and a pretty interesting change from The Social Network. I mean… he was equally unlikeable in his own way, but I enjoyed his performance anyway.

And then we have Danny McBride and Nick Swardson.

I’m sorry, but I have to say it… I’m tired of Danny McBride’s “Danny McBride” bit. I like Eastbound and Down well enough, but isn’t that character a little overdone at this point? Swardson too. You can’t really call it “acting” at this point, can you? It’s just this weird character he does where he’s full of crazy, perv bravado…. Oh… and he’s an inept moron. When he did it in Tropic Thunder, it was fresh and hilarious. 3 years later, he needs to come up with a new bit, and I’ll be honest and say that he personally reduced the score and grade of this movie.

The Hangover Part 2

I love the first movie. This was not markedly different in either way, except that now it’s not as fresh or as interesting. Funny? Yes. Even remotely satisfying? No.

NetFlix at 3 AM (You know… that time of night where you’re just awake and you see something and are all “Why the hell not?”. I would watch these at work rather than a rerun of American Pickers. Probably. These are not particularly good movies.)

Tower Heist

I miss Eddie Murphy being funny like this. His presence was literally the only interesting thing about this movie (aside from a 30 second scene between him and the girl from Precious which was in the trailer). Other than this, there’s barely anything to make me remember it at all. Eddie Murphy still has it in him somewhere. That is all.

Immortals

Man… There were a lot of beheadings in this movie.

Normally, I’d say this was a good thing, and it certainly wasn’t a BAD thing, but damn…This could have been a totally badass movie. It wasn’t. It was merely watchable. I would have liked to see Peter Jackson make this exact movie with his own script and effects team. It could have been fucking awesome. Oh… and Mickey Rourke is almost certainly completely insane at this point. I’m pretty positive.

Watchable, Maybe Good, but Just the Once. (Can you say artsy fartsy?)… oh… in no particular order.

Drive
Okay, okay… I know like every art snob and his/her brother is totally having a boner about this movie, and it was… you know… kinda good. That’s… that’s about all I can say about it. Gosling was good, I suppose. Albert Brooks is apparently already clearing space on his mantle. It has Brian Cranston, who is awesome. It has Carey Mulligan, who is also awesome. It has all the makings of an awesome movie, except for being an awesome movie. It was fine, but you know… I never have to see it again.

Midnight in Paris

I’ve never been one to totally get Woody Allen. I mean… the dialogue or whatever, and you could argue that Allen is the greatest Traveloguest of all time. He’s written more love letters to New York than anyone, and now he’s on to the European Capitals (First with Vickie Christina Barcelona). It’s an entertaining watch, but has far too many annoying characters for me to want to see it again. Poor Rachel McAdams, one of my all time favorites, was made to be such a horrid shrew, I had to watch The Wedding Crashers to wash my brain of her performance. She was so one-dimensionally written that I wanted to stop watching. It’s not like Owen Wilson’s lead character was much more likeable or sympathetic. He wasn’t. People have loved this movie. It’s one of the best rated Woody Allen movies in 30 years, and my thoughts? Meh. It’s pretty. It needed more Adrian Brody (and you know that’s not a good thing to think).

My Week with Marilyn
A single, amazing performance that saves this movie from being almost entirely unlikeable. Michelle Williams was worth seeing essentially become Marilyn Monroe, but even with her crazy good portrayal, she didn’t really succeed in making Marilyn a sympathetic character. Eddie Redmayne may have changed his name from Colin to “Gawker” and everyone would have gone along. I did like Judi Dench, but then… doesn’t that basically go without saying at this point? I’m glad I saw the movie for Williams’ performance, but now I have, and it can go away.

The Ides of March
More completely unlikeable people doing things I don’t care about. Regardless of what my occasional blog may indicate, I’m not all that interested in politics. I’m also not a fan of stories about adultery and political intrigue. I saw this movie because it was filmed in Cincinnati, and I was curious to see the local things they used. Of course, they edited locations strangely, and it distracted me. Clooney did a decent job, I assume, but it’s not my kind of flick. It also featured my least favorite of Ryan Gosling’s 3 roles this year, and the best performance I can recall of Evan Rachel Wood, not that that says much.

Should Have Waited for NetFlix (I would have preferred to be able to pause it to take a break and evaluate the number of movies I see).

Something Borrowed

I remember finding this to be a perfectly fine RomCom. That’s about all. Hugely wasted talent with Krasinski (who basically picks one bad movie after another) and Ginnifer Goodwin. The TM told me at the time that it’s a book in a series of books, and that the 2^nd one features the utterly detestable character played by Kate Hudson. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how anyone could tolerate 5 more minutes of her. She’s one of the worst characters I can think of, and I saw Rachel McAdams in Midnight in Paris.

Water for Elephants

I read the book and really liked it. I have to admit that I hoped for more. It was a disappointment for reasons I can’t fully articulate, so I won’t. It just wasn’t a fun watch. It also featured the worst single moment of viewing of the year, when the elephant was beaten. Bad.

Killer Elite

If I told you that I saw an “intrigue” movie featuring Jason Statham, Robert DeNiro, and Clive Owen, you probably would have been excited, right? Well… I sure as hell was. And then I saw it, and I thought… Huh… That was boring as all hell. I don’t care what happens with these people at all. And it also featured Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. A good actress who also happens to be a badass in action scenes, and also happens to be very attractive…and she’s a total non factor.

Movies I wish I could Forget (and possibly already have).

First the movies that I totally forgot I saw until I started putting together this list:

Sucker Punch/ Hall Pass/ The Green Hornet-

I guess these movies happened. I recall a guy pooping in a golf bunker. I recall a girl dressing up like a doll. I recall an Asian man making coffee, and Christoph Waltz being a bad guy. That’s about it.

I remember thinking at the time that Sucker Punch could have been cool if it had made any logical sense at all.

I remember thinking at the time that The Green Hornet would have been better had it featured bad language, nudity, and violence… Which is weird, because Seth Rogen was recently interviewed by Howard Stern, and he essentially admitted that the movie sucked because it was PG13 and not R. I kind of believe him. He’s for sure right about it sucking.

I THINK Hall Pass featured the pooping golfer. I cannot be sure.

The Rum Diary-

We’ve all seen this movie, back when it was called Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I never have any interest in seeing Johnny Depp play a drunk ever again. (more on that later). This was a movie about drugs, sex, and Puerto Rico that also happened to be completely boring. Amber Heard is in this movie and it’s still completely boring. It’s just a boring fucking movie that was unnecessary.

Just Go With It
A completely ridiculous movie whose end could have been predicted in the first 2 minutes. Also, it’s one of those maddening movies where if the main character had simply just told the truth in the first 5 minutes of the misunderstanding, everything would have been fine. Instead they go through INSANE lengths to keep a lie going for absolutely no reason.

Brooklyn Decker – “Why do you have a wedding ring in your pocket? Are you married, you asshole?”
Adam Sandler – “No, I’m not married. I was engaged once, and she broke my heart. I carry this ring around with me all the time. Sometimes, and I’m not proud of this, I show it to girls to get sympathy. Not my proudest moment, but at least I didn’t do that with you, right?”
Brooklyn Decker – “Wow… that’s super sad and kinda pathetic. Whatever, I’m over it. Let’s bone again, and then why don’t you get rid of that ring... And then let’s get married.”

Adam Sandler – “Done”

Puss in Boots
Other than the fairly entertaining concept that while it’s an anthropomorphic cat, he still acts like a cat sometimes (blatantly stolen from Dug’s squirrel obsession in ‘Up’), not interesting. Not funny. Not engaging. Just a stupid movie that is nothing more than a cash grab. And Humpty Dumpty was really weird.

Young Adult

I toyed with putting this in the last category along with the other 3 worst movies I saw this year. I know it’s a strange choice, because Charlize Theron is good. Patton Oswalt is good. Patrick Wilson is good. All three of them are good. Jason Reitman is good (I think… though come to think of it, I also disliked the almost universally loved Juno). In any case, it’s difficult for a hoard of good actors to make a really detestable film, but they somehow managed to do it, while still putting in decemt performances. Especially Oswalt, who kicks total ass. For whatever reason, though, I couldn’t wait for this movie to end. I HATED the main character. (Like… you’re supposed to think she’s a bad person. I just couldn’t stand her). I didn’t understand why anyone tolerated her nonsense. I thought, for a brief moment at the end that the movie might be slightly redeemed. But no. I know that is part of the supposed charm of it… that she’s so unapologetically awful. But I feel like for that to work really, the character has to have some sort of likeable thing going on underneath where you don’t completely despise her. Fail. I don’t feel bad for her. I just hate her.

It’s the performance of Oswalt alone that prevents me from placing it in the last group…

The Movies that Actively Made me Want to Fight Someone. They were just that bad.

Twilight –
Okay, so my relationship with the Twilight movies and books is well chronicled on this blog. I’ve compared it negatively to just about everything. Most recently to the far superior Hunger Games trilogy, that…so help me… better live up to my expectations in movie form. Anyway, there’s something truly detestable about these people taking an excruciatingly weird, awkward, gross book like “Breaking Dawn” and dividing it into two equally excruciating, awkward, weird, gross movies. Like Puss in Boots, it’s a totally blantant cash grab, and it’s taking advantage of teens everywhere (and me, who will undoubtedly see the last one in the theater too). This wasn’t a good movie. It was downright dull. NOTHING happened. If a person watched just this one movie, and didn’t understand the whole vampire/werewolf bit, they’d think it was some sort of elaborate “Sex=Pregnancy=Death” thing. Because that’s all that happened. They got married. Sexed it up (violently) for a bit, she gets immediately knocked up, and then the fetus tries to eat her from the inside. Nice huh? Good teen fun. Fuck these movies where nothing happens, and we’re expected to love it and salivate for more. There’s not even a satisfying Werewolf/vampire battle, or even one of the godforsaken teen love triangles. The choices have all already been made. Even the horrid Rosalie character gets the shaft when all of the “depth” from books is totally erased and barely eluded to. Gross.

The Green Lantern-

Easily my biggest disappointment of the year. I LOVE the Green Lantern story. Hal Jordan, test pilot, is bequeathed a magic ring that helps him guard the universe. His powers are only limited by his creativity and imagination (and the color yellow, idiotically enough). So many places to go with it. So many options. But no… It was just a bad, cheesy movie with laughable special effects and no imagination. Bad acting. Bad writing. Stupid villain. (Paralax, what?!!). Ryan Reynolds personal gift is snark, and they took that all away. Blake Lively is… terrible. What can I say? She’s the worst. It was tough to sit through. It was like they took an awesome superhero idea and spent a shitload of money on it, and instead of giving it to capable people like Christopher Nolan or Sam Mendes or Peter Jackson, they give it to a monkey with some crayons. It was just awful. Totally upsetting. Totally unoriginal.

I was especially disappointed with the lack of imagination used for the powers. When given the choice of creating anything with his mind, he made like… 14 guns, a car, and a wave. Seriously? That’s the best he could come up with? He’s the savior of the galaxy? Bullshit.

And here it is folks… my WORST MOVIE OF 2011.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
What total fucking nonsense this movie was. You know why it was the worst movie of the year? Because it was the biggest waste ever. First… I think it was so bad that it has almost sullied how I feel about the first movie. I barely regard the 2^nd and 3^rd movies, since they were sort of obligatory sequels with good things and bad things, but mostly guilty of pushing a little too hard when the first one was so effortless.

Well, this one pushed so hard it nearly took the good will the first one built up, and shoved it off a cliff. The first movie is easily in my Top 10 movies of all time list. (I should do that one soon. That’s so tough).

1-For the first time, Johnny Depp looked bored playing Jack Sparrow. I’m not saying he was steller in 2 and 3, but he at least seemed to be having a good time.

2-The plot was crazy, and also really really dumb.

3- Enormous wastes of Ian McShane as Blackbeard and Geoffrey Rush. I’m not saying that these guys deserve meatier material, but seriously. McShane played the greatest anti-hero in the history of television. I think he can handle a little more substance. Geoffrey Rush has a fucking OSCAR. He already played Barbossa to perfection a few times. Why was this one so stale?

4- The biggest reason it’s the worst is because it took something so awesome, and with so much great background, had infinite time, money, and scope to really get it right, and failed miserably. It was boring. It wasn’t funny. The action scenes were SOOO BAD. When you compare the fights in this one with the sword fight between Orlando Bloom and Depp in Curse of the Black Pearl, you’ll see what I mean. There was no rhythm. There was no heart to any of it.

I think this is ultimately my biggest pet peeve with big budget movies that are highly anticipated. In that group, I’ll include movies like The Green Lantern, all of the Twilights, this most recent Pirates, and the last Indiana Jones movie….

These movies are guaranteed to make a shitload of money. There’s no question that the 4^th Indiana Jones flick was going to crush it at the box office. So… with that in mind, and no real need to rush something out, why not come up with something really fucking good. There’s no way that George Lucas and Spielberg thought that shit was any good. And it hurt the legacy. Same with Pirates here. You’re telling me that they couldn’t wait another 6 months to find the perfect script, and maybe get a good fight director, and maybe get Johnny Depp in the groove? I call BS. The thing is… they made a crapload of money, but they seriously hurt the legacy of the movies. Maybe they just don’t see it.

This is why I’m fine with Ghostbusters 3 never seeing the light of day. If it’s not good, don’t push it.

Let’s leave it at that. I think a five thousand word blog is quite enough, thank you.

(Stay tuned for Part 2 later in the week where I give out my Muchacho Awards. Yes, I’m really taking this “Blog More” resolution seriously.)

Bad People

Jack LaLanne is the only adult who could pull off the onesie. And perhaps because he'd kick all of our asses if we said otherwise.

I was working late one night (which is typical, since I work the overnight shift), and a commercial came on TV for something called “The Forever Lazy”.

The “Forever Lazy” is one of the all-time dumbest products of all time. I believe it's by the makers of the “Snuggie”, a product I originally openly mocked, but have come to love. The Snuggie is basically a blanket with sleeves, and at first I accused it of being some horrible product for lazy people, and said that nobody'd ever use them. I readily admit that I was wrong. The Snuggie is fucking awesome. It's warm, it's comfortable, and I can stay warm and drink my drink.

The Forever Lazy, on the other hand,  is horrible and embarrassing, and I stand by my opinion that it'll never catch on.

It's a an adult onesie.

That's right. It's baby pajamas (feeties included) made for adult people. Making it worse are 3 factors:

1) There is a hatch. For pooping. Unless you are in the fucking Alaskan wilderness, with hypothermia nipping at your nethers, you DO NOT need a hatch in your one-piece pajamas. When you're sitting in your home, with a restroom mere steps away, there should be no circumstance where you don't have enough time to unbutton and remove your ridiculous adult onesie. Maybe… MAYBE if you’re in the asylum and are afraid. Of what? I don’t know.

2) They have dropped all pretense and are completely owning the fact that it's for the laziest people on Earth, calling it THE FOREVER LAZY. Not The Lazy Sunday. Not “Sometimes Lazy. It's the fucking FOREVER Lazy. So sad.

3) They make total fools of themselves by showing morons wearing their product out in public. I'm sorry... I can accept that people will occasionally give up at home; in private. I cannot accept that anyone other than the absolute biggest social morons, or possibly the occasional unfunny, ironically dressed hipster would ever stoop to wearing the thing out in public. They pretend that a person would ever, EVER wear that shit at a TAILGATE. Are they joking?

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about the Forever Lazy. This is all just preface.

So, I'm sitting there at work, pondering the silly onesie thing, and thinking... Is this the most embarrassing product ever created?

Is this the one product the makers should be most ashamed of presenting to the public?

For a while, I was certain that it was.

Then, as I drove home this evening, I heard a radio commercial that guaranteed something else the title of “Worst Thing Ever Sold”.

AshleyMadison.com

I'm already dreading writing about this, and having fool after repugnant fool end up at my blog after Googling “Ashley Madison”.

I don’t really know of a colorful way to describe this shit, so I’ll just tell you.

AshleyMadison.com is a dating website, sort of like Match.com, but designed specifically to help people cheat on their spouses.

I’m not kidding.

This is not one of those fake products on Saturday Night Live like Baby Spanx.

They’re also not hiding it in any way… You could argue that Match.com is loaded with people with bad intentions. Match doesn’t exactly discourage that kind of behavior. I mean… that’s why some of the more expensive dating sites do background checks to verify people are single. The difference is, though… Match or OKCupid or whatever else… they may not stop married people from joining, but they aren’t actively inviting it.

It’d be like the US Government passing out heroin instead of welfare. Sure, they may accept that a small portion of the people getting welfare use it to buy drugs, but they aren’t openly endorsing the drug use.

Can you imagine coming up with this nonsense?

How repulsive of a human being does one have to be in order to not only jokingly invent that concept while getting drunk with their friends watching MMA, but to then go so far as implementing the product? That’s a rhetorical question. The only possible answer is “Pretty fucking repulsive”.

For some reason, the existence of this product makes me sadder and more scared for the human race than just about anything else. There are a lot of details of it that I don’t know, because I wouldn’t even come close to daring to visit the website, even just to investigate (and rest assured, I’m dumb enough to click just about anything… (See: Two Girls One Cup, and any e-mail touting the “Worst Thing You’ll Ever See”.) I click all manner of nonsense out of morbid curiosity… So, maybe because of my ignorance of the ins and outs (no pun intended…probably) of the product, I have some thoughts –slash-questions.

1) Who is this Ashley Madison person that the site is named after? Is she the biggest skank in the history of the world simply because she’s the inspiration for “the cheating site”? My god… What if she’s the name of the wife of the founder? How terrible is that?

2) I only know it exists at all because I’ve heard the ads on the radio. How hard-up for money does a radio station have to be in order to allow this horrible company to advertise on your radio show?

3) I am vaguely aware of a story about how they offered to pay 10 million dollars to the city of Phoenix to rename their airport. Thankfully, the city declined.

4) The slogan on the most recent commercial was “Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of being married to her.” I’m not making that up.

I’m fairly certain that this is the worst thing ever. I don’t understand how it can even exist. Look… I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware that people cheat, and I’m also aware that there is often more to the story. Nothing is totally a black and white issue.

Still… I think there’s a big difference between acknowledging that cheating is something that happens, and being all.. “God damn… I’m bored tonight. You know what would be an awesome? Cheating on my spouse. I wish there was a website service to facilitate this illicit transaction. What?! There is?!!”

Whatever happened to staying late at the office in the city, and hooking up with the bohemian heroin addict who then takes you to a poetry reading? If it’s good enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for all the other dirtbags.

Maybe that’s what offends me the most (probably not )… Doesn’t this just strike you as being fucking lazy? Like… If I’m going to do something bad, no matter what it is, I don’t want to cheapen the bad act by making it super convenient online. There should be some sort of effort involved.

Yeah… that’s definitely not what offends me most.

NBC refused to let them advertise during the Super Bowl, which prompted the president of the company to call NBC hypocrites for disallowing the adultery ads, but allowing ads for beer. (since beer kills people). Maybe I’m being obtuse (I was just recently told I was being obtuse about something, and it made me feel like the warden in Shawshank)… Anyway, maybe I’m being obtuse, but don’t cuckolded spouses kill people too.

[ PS: People who found their way here by Googling “AshleyMadison.com”. Go away, please. But thank you for reading!]

I’m getting annoyed, so I’m gonna change the subject with some miscellaneous updates…

Resolution Updates:
- The first blog of the new year went up last Monday, and here’s the 2^nd. So far, I’m right on schedule, even if I’m not exactly re-inventing the wheel. I’m hoping to finish my Movies of 2011 Blog for next week. I likely will have seen all of the 2011 Releases that I plan on seeing by then.

- The woodworking is slow-going. I’ve spent the week practicing dovetail joints and looking through books and magazines trying to find a suitably interesting, but not too intimidating project for February. I’m leaning toward a Zig-Zag chair. In any case, making a dovetail joint is about as hard as you’d imagine, and it doesn’t make me feel better when I watch YouTube videos of experts making flawless dovetail joints in three and a half minutes. It’s quite infuriating, actually. So far I’ve broken my coping saw, and failed to make a single truly straight dovetail, but I AM improving… (and shopping for a new saw..). Tomorrow, I’m going to try using the dremel to see if I can make that horizontal cut a little cleaner with that. In any case, I fully expect to be ready to roll on real furniture/ projects by the start of February, which would put me squarely on schedule.

- I’m now operating at about 95% vegetarian, and (aside from the 1 steak dinner, and occasional non-fried seafood, I should be 100% by the end of the week. The meat products in the house are just about gone, and that was my last hold-out excuse. I have decided to forego the remaining bologna and just suffer the waste.  In the meantime, The TM and I have found a new restaurant called “Zoup!” which is basically a Panera type place, but instead of 40 sandwiches and 4 soups, they have 4 sandwiches and 40 soups. (exaggerations abound). It’s awesome, and when we went there were at least 6 vegetarian soup options, 2 sandwiches, and several salads. She also has been perfecting her vegetarian enchiladas. Effing delicious.

- Household Chores? As of writing this portion of the blog (Friday night), none so far, unless you count meeting with the contractor.  I’d like to carve out the 45 minutes it’s gonna take me to bust up the old box-spring. I’m debating keeping the wood for burning. Sadly the trash people won’t take it in whole form, because they are afraid of bedbugs. I can’t say as I blame them. So, I’ll take to that bitch like Tom Robinson took to bustin’ up that chiffarobe…. Poor Mayella and her forbidden love… Sigh.

- Workout. No progress yet. I’ve spent a fair amount of time online shopping for a good rowing machine, but unless I come into some unexpected money, it’s looking like I’ll need to find an alternate for the near future. In any case, the Tofu Muchacha has, in her wisdom, suggested phasing in my resolutions gradually. I’d like to be up and running (so to speak) with all of them by the end of February, but I’m not gonna feel bad about myself for not doing getting all of them started until then.

The Hunger Games:Let Them Have Stakes!

(It’s been a while since I blogged, so cut me a break on the rambling if it’s even more pronounced than usual. )

Spoilers ahead.
I haven't been reading as much as I'd like. The Tofu Muchacha is the most voracious reader I have ever met, so my general lack of a "book in hand" is even more pronounced sometimes.

The thing is… I love to read. When I really get into a book, I plow through it, tackling every word, plot point, characterization. It really makes me completely useless for anything else until I’m done with it. Maybe that’s why I don’t read that often…

I become obsessive. I read spoilers and commentaries and reviews and speculations. The month after I read Harry Potter 6, I spent more time on Mugglenet than I did doing work. I read every single little essay and breakdown. Who was ‘RAB’? Was Dumbledore really dead? All that stuff.

What I’m trying to say is that when I sink myself into a really good book, it’s rarely just the book.

The Hunger Games trilogy has done this to me.

How did nobody tell me how awesome these books are?

The books are told from the perspective of a teen girl. Much like in Twilight or The Forest of Hands and Teeth (both discussed on this blog in the past, even in relation to each other). The main characters in these books are similar, but not the same. Bella Swan (Twilight) is this sort of gawky, completely self-unaware moron who goes through life being oblivious to everyone around her for no particular reason. Katniss Everdeen of the Hunger Games books is also unaware of other people’s perception of her, for the most part, but as opposed to dumb-old Bella, she’s also capable, self-possessed, and independent. In fact, while Bella needs rescuing from… well…  just about everything ever, Katniss is a total, certifiable badass. She provides for her family, bravely volunteers to essentially sacrifice herself on behalf of her sister, and she more than holds her own in not one, but two Hunger Games (not to mention the actual war zones of the third book.). Despite her self-assessment that she’s selfish, she repeatedly displays loyalty, morality, courage, and empathy. On the other hand, Bella’s full and complete motivation is some sickening, weirdo crush on Edward the Toothless, Shiny Vampire.

Like the other books, The Hunger Games also features a “love triangle”. Yes… it’s true.  Apparently this is some sort of requirement for entry into the Young Adult genre, so just like every “Young Adult” novel featuring a teen girl main character, there’s not just one guy vying for Katniss’ attention, but two. And just like every “Young Adult” novel, she’s at least somewhat oblivious to their attentions until they’re literally licking her face and actively trying to die for her. And just like every “Young Adult” novel, a fair amount of internal monologue from the main character is devoted to her hashing out her feelings for her various suitors.  The difference here is that while in Twilight Bella’s love triangle poses no mystery whatsoever (shit… on the back of the first book, she talks about being “Irrevocably in love” with Edward), and Mary from The Forest of Hands and Teeth sort of realizes that her love life is pretty inconsequential when the world is ending,  I had a difficult time figuring out what would happen with Katniss. And more importantly, there were many times over the course of the action where I was convinced she’d end up with neither of them and be happy with that, or that one of them would die, making her decision that much easier. Nobody thinks Edward or Jacob will ever die. In fact, Jacob can’t die, because he’s not a real character. He’s simply this sort of symbol of the life Bella is leaving behind when she forces Edward to kill her in one of the grossest scenes of devotion in any book ever.  

Katniss has moments where she could go either way (or neither way), and even better is that the moments are earned in the text. There really aren’t any convenient misunderstandings. There aren’t dumb roadblocks. She simply has two perfectly good, though flawed, men whom she loves, and she has a truly hard time deciding between them for legitimate reasons. Peeta is the love for the future. Gale is the love for the now. Her world largely defines her choices. |

It makes sense that she’d pick Gale… He saved her family. He’s more like her. He’s got shared life experiences. He’s a survivor in the most traditional sense, which makes him the perfect choice for a world where there’s no order. Where survival is necessary.

Then there’s Peeta. He saved her life numerous times. He sacrificed his leg, his sanity, everything to keep her safe. And ultimately, she ends up with him, not because of any of these things, but because he’s a beacon of light and positivity that balances out her nightmares. He’s the perfect choice for a world recovering from Chaos. It’s a decision that makes sense.

Suzanne Collins refused to create a choice without consequence. She created stakes to her choice, and by keeping both men alive, and largely whole she refused to give Katniss an easy choice either way. It’s easily the most tolerable teen love triangle I can recall. (Not that I liked the constant internal tug-o-war between the two. I could see and understand the dilemma from the start, and the perpetual back and forth was sort of beating a dead horse really.

But really, it’s the consequence that makes the story good. You get the feeling that if Katniss had chosen Gale, that Peeta would not have been okay. That he would have faded somehow, like Haymitch. Gale is a little stronger, but he makes it clear to Katniss that he can’t be there and watch her with Peeta. She knows she’ll lose one by chosing the other.

The Stakes Get Higher, or… you know… exist.

My biggest complaint about Twilight is that nothing happens, and when it does, it’ isn’t drastic or even.. like… “on screen” (so to speak). Nobody of import is ever really harmed, and because it’s established early on that any danger is by choice, there are no real stakes to anything they do. There aren’t really even any true antagonists. The wolves, sort of, but since Jacob is one, and they’d never really kill off any of them, they’re ultimately harmless. (Not to mention that the author sets up their whole mythology to be “protectors”). The Vulturi are certainly not nice, but that’s sort of like saying that the cops and judges in a judicial system are the judges. They may be dicks, but they’re just enforcing the established rules. It’s so fucking boring. There are hundreds of pages of speculation and conversations about what MIGHT happen, and then the climax is a 3 page sequence that ends in the bad guys just sort of going away after being convinced Renesme isn’t the droid they’re looking for or some shit.

It’s what makes The Forest of Hands and Teeth so good. Everyone can die. Most folks do die. The Zombies are a real danger. The people are forced into danger. It’s scary as hell. It’s a great series of books.

The stakes in The Hunger Games?

Everyone could fucking die. And for the most part, they do. Off the top of my head, here’s a short list of the important, and beloved characters who bite it in The Hunger Games:

Prim
Finnick
Peeta’s parents
Boggs
Darius
Lavinia
Cinna
Rue
Thresh
Mags
Wiress
Madge
Cato
Foxface
President Snow
President Coin
and about a million others.

There are fire bombs, horrible mutant killing machines, deadly waves, deadly earthquakes, beheadings, eviscerations, suicides, electrocutions, and dozens of other ways to die, kill, or both.

Collins establishes in the first 5 pages that these people live in a scary, dangerous, unfair world, and she sticks to her guns the whole way through. Even the ending, while undeniably positive, isn’t without reservation. I think it’s my favorite thing about the books. The books end with Katniss being released from custody after assassinating the new president of Panem (after the revolution). She’s on the verge of insanity. She’s been attempting to kill herself. She’s broken. Her mother isn’t by her side. Her sister is dead. She has no idea until later where Gale is. The world is broken. Even after she and Peeta finally sort of merge together for good, there’s a heavy heartedness to it. She ends the book wondering how she’ll explain The Hunger Games to her children, and how the world will be. It’s the ambiguity that draws me. After so many resolute moments throughout the book, I really loved how Katniss’ story ends on a positive, but certainly bittersweet note. She finds her true love for Peeta. They have children. They live in peace. Except in their memories that still haunt them. It’s really very sad, and very hopeful at the same time. That’s not an easy balance.

There’s an important theme in the 3^rd book. “Real or Not Real”, where Peeta, having been brainwashed, tries to make sense of the very confusing feelings he has, as his deceptions and his true feelings mixed around.

Really, all of the books play with this in an ever maturing way. I love how so much of the books deal with perception and not necessarily reality. It’s not important in the first book whether Peeta really loves Katniss, but it IS important to the viewers. It’s not important in the second book if Katniss was really trying to defy The Capitol with the berries, but President Snow knows that the people perceive it that way. The wedding doesn’t have to be real except to those watching it. In the final book, District 13 is viewed as a force for positive change, so it doesn’t really matter if they’re just as manipulative and unscrupulous as those they’re overthrowing.

In the end, after all of the confusion, and tracker jacker induced hallucinations, and lies, and amnesias, and everything else, the perception finally dies away, and we’re left with the lovely ending where Katniss, finally confirms for Peeta the one important thing for him in the world.

“You love me. Real or not real?”

“Real”.

It’s really a beautiful way to end a surprisingly well written, and exceedingly entertaining book series.

I have a friend who doesn’t finish books because she doesn’t want to let go of the characters or the world they live in. That’s how I felt about these books.

Read them. For real.