No Vaccination for Stupidity

Al Cohen

Al Cohen contracted Polio in 1939, at the age of 15. Only 1 out of 200 people who get the disease show severe symptoms, and Al was one. He spent time in the hospital, and in an iron lung. He lost muscle strength, and was unable to move.

Even after recovering, he never fully regained strength in his arms and shoulders. From 1939, until his death in 2006, he couldn’t raise his hands over his head. When World War II broke out, he was unable to enlist in the military, and was instead confined to a department store window, where he read the war news to passersby.

Jonas Salk developed the first truly viable vaccine for Polio in 1952.  Too late for Al to have lived a normal life.

It wasn’t all bad for Al. One could certainly make the argument that were it not for these events, he’d have never met Marilyn Melnikoff, and would have never become the man I knew as “Grandpa”.  He was a warm, funny guy. Brilliant, and ahead of his time, in many ways.  I loved him a great deal, and one of the most memorable things about him was that he never let his physical impairment define him, or really even limit him much of the time. He did what he wanted, and he did it on his terms. Except for having green towels. Marilyn wouldn’t allow that.

Still… I can’t help but wonder what his life would have been like had that vaccine been available to him. Maybe he doesn’t marry Marilyn. Maybe he joins the Army and dies in Northern Africa. Either scenario would have made it very difficult for you to read this blog right now, since I would never have been born, but even as much as I love my life, a part of me is sorry he never had those options.

Whenever I read about people opposing vaccines, I think about my grandfather, and what he’d say today if he heard someone willingly rejecting the very treatments that could have completely changed his life.

I have to believe he’d feel as I do… That the anti-vaccination movement is ridiculous and baffling and really damned scary.

Some claim that vaccines cause autism, and those people are wrong, but even assuming for a second it was true, the idea that tetanus (deadly), or polio (potentially crippling), or smallpox (deadly) are preferable to autism is patently absurd.  I know that Autism can be very challenging to manage in some cases. Some kids have a true difficulty communicating. Some have impairment when it comes to relating to the world. Autism is not something to be taken lightly, but even if it were caused by vaccinations, Autism isn’t deadly.  Is the completely mythological chance of your child maaaybe developing autism with potentially exposing them to measles or diphtheria or polio?

Some folks are philosophically against vaccines for a variety of reasons… because they don’t think it’s right that “big pharma” gets rich off of them, or because they don’t want the government or pesky doctors telling them what to do, or because they read somewhere that homeopathic remedies were better… You know what I say to that? Express your convenient, hipster libertarianism on your own time, and stop risking the lives of others. No matter what you can think of, someone is getting rich from it. Your toilet seat? Someone patented that design.  If you don’t like taking the advice of doctors on a public health matter, about what else is it okay to ignore them? If your kid had cancer, would you give them chemo? It’s real easy to roll the dice with the measles, because who fucking gets measles anymore, right? Well… as it turns out, more people all the time, because of dumbasses like you.
Read that link. Read those statistics. It’s NOT FUNNY, and yet we have websites like THIS pretending that it’s no big deal because hardly anybody dies from it. Seriously. That’s what it says. Only read it if you plan on getting furious. By the same logic, let’s just throw 3 million kids in a tank with sharks, because only 500 of them will die, so what’s the big fucking deal?

When I was a kid, I remember that we weren’t allowed to show up to school without proving that we were vaccinated. Nowadays, every state has their own list of exemptions, ranging from religious to philosophical, allowing parents to bring their unvaccinated children to school. My aunt posted a meme on Facebook that essentially said “If my kid can’t bring peanut butter to school because your kid is allergic, why can you bring your unvaccinated child to school?” It’s not often that I see a meme and think “Damned right!” but that’s what I thought. How in the world are schools allowing potentially infected kids to come to school. Freaking Disneyland was the epicenter of a fucking measles outbreak. DISNEYLAND.

“Well, it’s not even 100% effective in all people, so why risk the side effects?”

Good question… There’s something called “Herd Immunity” and it works for everyone, vaccination resistant or not, as long as a large enough portion of the population has been inoculated.

“Oh, well then… I’m good, right? Because even if I don’t get vaccines, enough other people have!”

Well, no. That’s not how society works. There are enough uneducated rubes like you running around to ruin it for everyone. All a virus needs is one hospitable host to keep perpetuating its life. When the community is 99% vaccinated, even with varying degrees of efficacy, the chances of that virus finding that 1% are very low. As it is now, we’re at 84%. That means that out of every 100 people a virus comes in contact with, it can infect 16. Now say those 16 people go to 16 other groups of 100… Now we’ve got an EXPONENTIAL exposure, and FUCK YOU.

“Well… my kid got some unexplained illness, and she was vaccinated shortly before she got sick, and even though doctors insist they’re unrelated, I know in my gut they are connected. They have to be, because there’s no other explanation.”

Let’s talk about coincidence for a minute… well, not really coincidence as much as the obsession with “Why”, and our inability as a society to accept that some things have no explanation. The inability to accept coincidence. This belief is not based on evidence, but rather the lack of evidence of anything else. That’s not the way science works. That’s the way religion works. Do not endanger everyone else, because you can’t accept that coincidences happen.

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The more I think about it all, and the people actively deciding to go without vaccinations for themselves or their children, the angrier I get. Well… Angry isn’t the right word. Embarrassed.

There’s that joke since 9/11 where whenever we Americans do something particularly decadent someone says “this is why the terrorists hate us”. Well… This actually IS why the terrorists hate us. Have you ever heard of a more American thing than actively rejecting preventative treatments that millions of people in the world, not only have no access to, but would do anything to get?

That is embarrassing. 

It makes me ashamed to live in a place so privileged that people would even think to reject all scientific advancement in exchange for a quick spin around WebMD message boards, and the arrogance to believe we’re somehow immune just by virtue of our wealth and national comfort. We’ve lived in a world free from these illnesses for so long that we’ve become complacent in our privilege, and if you’re not going to vaccinate your kids, you’re rolling the dice for all of us.  

One of my dearest friends, Melissa, send me this link. I encourage you to read it, but there’s one passage I want to share, because this (understandably terrified) father says it perfectly.

"You have stood on the shoulders of our collective protection for too long. From that high height, we have given you the privilege of our protection, for free."

Sports Fans are Dumb

Anyone who has ever read this blog will know that I'm a big sports fan.

Sometimes I think maybe that's a bad thing, and other times I am pretty sure I'm not nearly as big a sports fan as some people. Sometimes both of those are true at once.

And then sometimes I'm embarrassed for sports fans everywhere, and I think that maybe we should all take some stock in our lives.

I was just reading an article about how a football recruit to The University of Michigan tweeted a picture of himself setting fire to a recruiting letter sent to him by Ohio State University.

If the actions of this kid make you angry, you should just stop reading, and reevaluate what matters to you. If the actions of this kid make you want to kill him, you should stop reading, and seek help. If the actions of this kid make you not only want to kill him, but feel the need to let him know that... Please... PLEASE stop reading and turn yourself in to the institution. They're looking for you.

Sound crazy? It is crazy, absolutely. And yet... according to this article the kid is receiving death threats from enraged Ohio State fans. This is patently insane. There are so many things wrong with it that if I have to enumerate them, I'll be here all day (and really, should I need to?).

Of course Ohio State has come out and denounced the death threats. Oh wait... no they haven't. That's fairly typical for OSU who (if you'll excuse me, oh friends to the North) are not typically good about things like contrition and common sense.

I think my favorite part about the article is the OSU recruit who was all "Well... he doesn't need to have his life threatened, but... he DID post that picture, so...."

Lame.

Sports fans are insane idiots most of the time.

And listen... this isn't an post designed to bash the silly OSU fans. My very own Reds have some of the craziest fans I've ever heard of. The Reds can go on a 10 game winning streak and the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd callers to the local sports radio show will be complaints.

The Reds traded for a young pitcher named Mat Latos in the off-season (a smart trade, by the way), and Mr. Latos went out and got beat up a bit in one of his first starts. First off, there are NO pitchers who haven't been hit hard on occasion. Second... Latos is a notoriously slow starter, but like.. baseball is a damned marathon, not a sprint.

So anyway, after this bad start, his wife was harassed on Twitter. His WIFE. That would be like you having a shitty day at your job, and some random person you've never met calling your wife and talking shit to her about your shitty day. There is absolutely NO logic to it. I don't give a shit if you are cousins with Yasmani Grandal (one of the Reds traded for Latos), there's no reason to talk shit to a dude's wife. Really, there's no reason to talk shit to anyone, Mat Latos included. Incidentally, Latos has been fucking NAILS the last 5 weeks, so all that hand-wringing and dick-baggery was for naught. Good job.

Oh, and this isn't a state of Ohio thing either.

One of the most interesting stories from the past couple of years in sports is about the insane person who was a big enough University of Alabama football fan to name his kid BEAR. This idiot decided to take it upon himself to ruin one of the great and long-standing traditions of Alabama's rival Auburn University.

For a hundred years, after every Auburn victory, the entire fan base on campus convened around this piece of real estate on the Auburn campus and celebrated around these two ancient and giant oak trees.

Well, this Alabama douchebag poisoned the trees.

And then he called and bragged about it on the radio.

And then, in case you were wondering how the average Alabama fan feels about him, he was a guest of honor at a dozen Bowl parties this past January while the Crimson Tide won another National Title.

I should mention he's currently getting ready to stand trial for the felony he committed (and somehow pleaded "Not Guilty" to despite his recorded, unsolicited confession on the fucking radio).

Listen... I just don't get it.

When the Reds won the World Series in 1990, it was the greatest moment of my young life to that point. It's still high on the list, despite the fact that it's essentially a foggy memory at this point.

When Kenyon Martin broke his leg, I was devastated. When the Bengals lost to the Niners in 89, I cried. I LOVE my teams. I care about my sports. Anyone who watched my Facebook posts this past March when I had several Near-Breakdowns at the hands of my UC Bearcats will know that I care about my teams.

I'd never threaten to kill a 17 year old for torching a recruiting letter. I'd never light a cop car on fire *Cough* UK fans *Cough*. I'd never kill my rivals special trees.

If you're a fan that would, I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you to maybe sit the next one out, Champ.

You make me sad.

Blog Failure

Here’s the blog where I finally break the internet by holding the mirror up to the mirror.

I’m always thinking about blog topics, especially now that I have the pressure of having to get at least one posted per week. About 2 weeks ago, I started noting how annoyed I was getting at commercials, and how they always seem to play into the same base desires of people. I found it insulting that they seemed to be saying that all women could be plied with chocolate and diamonds. That all men just wanted to avoid their women. That women’s problems were trivial enough that a good shopping trip could solve them. That men were essentially alcoholic morons.

I started thinking that I wanted to turn that observation into a blog entry. I’ve been working on it all week, and it never came together. It eventually became something weird about how people take the easy jokes instead of pushing themselves to be more creative.

There were points where I was writing whole television commercials and Jay Leno monologues and  I went into this whole long rant about this dude I used to work with who sang “Danny Boy” at me every day (because my name is Dan.)

The problem with this idea, is that it was just an idea. I didn’t have a real coherent concept behind it, so while I could come up with a couple of cute quips, I was basically doing what I was criticizing. There wasn’t any real insight to what I was writing, so I was just super rambling and unfocused. It never really came together

Of course, what is a blog if not hyper self aware, so I've decided to post the shitty, unfinished blog and let you all see a little bit of my process.

Here’s my blog about way too many things, while at the same time not being about enough. I can’t figure out how to say what I want in an entertaining way. I worked it over 4 or 5 times, and it still sucks, but hopefully that’s kind of interesting in itself.

In italics are the original blog. In regular type are my retrospective comments on said failed blog attempt.

#####

What compels us to take the easy road? I mean… aside from it being easy.

Here’s every commercial targeted at women on TV right now:

“Whoa ladies, chill the fuck out! Since you don’t have real problems, have this delicious chocolate! That should calm your simple little brain. “

“What’s that? The chocolate didn’t do the trick? How about everyone’s guilty pleasure… Shopping! Oh, don’t you worry about that job interview. Nothing can cure a shitty day like buying some shoes! Am I right?”

“Now that you’re bellies are full of chocolate, and your feet are swathed in soft, supple leather, it’s time for some kayaking… you know… since it’s your time of the month. So, put on some white pants and have a fucking ball!”

It’s right about here where I start to lose my train of thought. I mix up tampons and Valtrex. I got too amused with my fake lady commercials and I miss my own point.

It’s not just the ladies… Here’s every commercial targeted at men:

Hi Men… Women are the worst! Have a beer in your man cave while you plan your golf outing.

I toyed with “Hi Men, Women are the Worst!” and just leaving it at that. I think that would have been better.

You know who should be insulted most? Creativity.

The same products going back to the same tired wells over, and over, and over again.

Of course, it’s as much our fault as theirs… We all let them get away with it, by going to Facebook and posting about how we “Need… Chocolate….Now.” or “Just had a fight with [our] boss, so [we} bought some new shoes and [we’re] feeling better already.”

Weak examples. I’m not sure why I decided on these. I think I tried being vague so as not to point fingers at specific people.

I’d wanna say that we’re better than that, but maybe I’m not so sure. If we truly were better than that, we wouldn’t be bombarded with the lowest common denominator advertising.  Why are we not demanding more?

I get frustrated, though, because even though the creative option is right there for the taking, everyone reaches for the “low hanging fruit”. It’s just all so fucking lame and tired and easy.

I keep wanting to make a “Low hanging fruit” joke, but I never get around to it.

It’s not just advertising, though. There’s absolutely nothing I hate more than the guy who constantly makes the easiest joke. I dunno.. I’m a snob I guess. What fun is it to make the first joke that comes to your mind? It doesn’t take skill, or smarts, or timing to hear someone say something is “hard” and throw out a “that’s what she said”… It requires no more thought than saying the pledge of allegiance. We hear the key word, and our mouth starts moving before even considering the how fucking lazy it is... I admit it… I do it do, but I try not to. I try to let someone else take the easy joke.

Don’t worry… Someone will make the joke. You won’t be left hanging. You know these people. They laugh at their own jokes. They hear that my name is Dan, and they sing “Danny Boy” as a greeting. They speak in made-up accents, and use tired puns, and generally try working the room like it’s fucking 1964 in the Catskills. You get the idea that they walk around hearing the rimshots as they spew quotes from Anchorman.

I like this portion of the blog. It’s not at all what I planned to write, but I find it at least vaguely promising, conceptually. The douchebag who personifies the copier guy on SNL. Always saying the dumbest, easiest thing possible.

They watch Jay fucking Leno.

Once upon a time, I thought Jay Leno was funny… but then I  turned 12, and realized that if I read the newspaper, I could literally play Celebrity/Joke Book mad libs, and figure out his monologue every night.

What’s that? Lindsay Lohan does drugs? The joke becomes:

 “So…did you hear this new thing about Lindsay Lohan? Apparently her drug problem has gotten so bad, she was recently seen snorting Splenda. Yeah… Well.. She heard it was Diet Coke!”

This was originally a Whitney Houston joke, but after she died, I felt the need to change it. I guess mentioning that now sort of undercuts the gesture. Sorry..

It’s cute, but it’s not funny. It’s not clever. It’s an easy joke, but it’s not comedy.

So anyway… It’s no surprise that companies advertise to our stereotypes. We let them.

Longest digression ever? Perhaps.

Doritos thinks they’re being original by having a murdering dog bribe a man with chips, but really they’re just doing the whole “Men are dumb and are always swayed by their libido and their appetites” bit. Also falling into this category are the “Nationwide” commercials where the dumbasses conjure food and prostitutes by singing the jingle. GoDaddy thinks they’ll sell domain names simply based on the promise of Danica Patrick under-cleavage. Taco Bell constantly depicts morons who are so blinded by the desires of their stomachs that they can’t make it out of the car before eating their girlfriend’s Chalupa.

Another example of some sort of riff where I don’t really know what I’m saying, so I hope the volume and turn of phrase sort of masks that point. I do like the phrase “under-cleavage”a fair amount.

#####
And that’s where I stopped. I couldn’t figure out how to get back to the main idea. I wasn’t even still sure the main idea had enough meat to make a full blog out of it. Seems more like a short bit in a hacky stand-up special, which… kind of undercuts my point about taking the easy way, doesn’t it?

Like… Even my observations on taking the easy way were easy.

 It’s my preference to post blogs that are fully formed, and edited and gone over a few times, but sometimes it’s not in the cards. This week, I tried making a blog out of some half-baked ideas and unfocused thoughts, and I failed.  It’s kind of a bummer, but it is a part of the process.

Next week?

The Disney E-mails return for “Proposed Attractions” where I post a couple of original concepts for Disney attractions, and I poll the readers on the best one.

I'm Still Resolute

Well… It’s been just over a month since I stated my New Year’s Resolutions, and I figured I may as well keep myself honest and provide everybody with a full-on update on each of my stated goals.

May as well just get started, huh?

Furniture Making –
First off… I think I should amend my wording. I’m not expressly looking at making big furniture pieces, so perhaps I would have been more exact by calling it “woodworking”. I think a nice wood box is a perfectly acceptable project, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it “furniture”. Same for an end-grain chopping block. I’m sure there are other examples, but I bring up these, because I’ve got both on my radar. Maybe I’m being self-serving here, but since the woodworking is certainly a learning process, starting with a book case or a roll-top desk isn’t realistic or a good way to learn.

So… how’s my progress? Well… Slow. It’s really fucking hard. I’ve been working on my dovetail joints, and getting in a lot of practice with my chisels and mallets and pieces of wood. I’ve spent a good amount of money purchasing tools and supplies and all that. I’ve gone to a friend’s woodworking shop to get in some practice with a more experienced person… still… slow going. I feel confident that I will still have my 11 projects complete by the end of the year, but I’m not sure if I can realistically go month to month. Some months are tougher than others, and each project has a different amount of time needed to complete it.

I HAVE identified my first two projects…

1) An end-grain chopping block/cutting board. This is a fairly cool project that isn’t overly complicated. It primarily is a practice in direction following, and clamping. Not a ton of cutting, not any real joinery. A good first project.

2) A box for my chisels. The box itself isn’t all that complicated, though would involve some dovetail joints (visible ones, not the utterly perplexing hidden ones). It also would have little interior inserts were you set the chisels.

Among the other projects for the year -  Zig Zag Chair, Tool Chest, and a set of narrow drawers.

Grade after One Month -  B minus. I’ve been working hard on the joints, but I have been indecisive about my projects and the definition of furniture. Now that I feel more clear on that, I think I can bring that grade up.


One Home Improvement Project a Week -

To be honest, I personally have done very little myself, but I am going to give myself a temporary pass since our entire house has been consumed with big home improvement work for the past 3 weeks. We’ve re-done our kitchen, we’ve knocked out dining room windows to install French doors. We had our deck torn down. We’ve added a privacy fence. When I say “we”, I really mean contractors, but that doesn’t make the projects any less disruptive. I’m seriously so tired of the mess… I’m just glad they’re doing a good job.

So…
Grade after One Month – Incomplete.
I’m not making excuses, but projects have been completed, just not by me. We still have another week on the interior, and probably another week on the exterior.

Vegetarian for a Year

This one, I’m pleased to say, is going well. I’ve been meat free for a little over a month, and I’m not feeling bad about it so far.

Some random observations:
- Usually I prefer eating out over eating at home. This has actually reversed since the beginning of the year. I think it’s because the Tofu Muchacha and I are fairly accustomed to eating almost entirely vegetarian at home anyway (aside from a meaty chili or the very occasional corned beef). I didn’t realize it, but the times I was most likely to eat meat was when we went out.

-Soup is my friend. I fucking love soup. I look forward to soup. Soup never lets me down.

- I’m feeling pretty good about my fish once a week thing. It’s made any sort of meat craving pretty insignificant.

- It’s hard to even pinpoint what meats I miss… I guess bacon. Not that I ate a ton of bacon, but it’s difficult to get a good potato soup at a restaurant that doesn’t include bacon.

- I have always been fairly eye-rolly about the people who bitch about there not being enough vegetarian options at restaurants. It always seemed silly to complain about how other people fail to accommodate your personal preferences. Well… I kinda get it now. The TM and I went to this German restaurant (in preparation for seeing CCM’s “Spring Awakening”, and while I expected it to be just as mean-laden as it was, I found myself annoyed at the seeming afterthought given to the vegetarian choices.
- Of course… I just determined what I could get and got something. Unlike this girl at the table next to us, who… I guess just ordered whatever her finger landed on in the menu, because when the waitress brought the food to their table.

The annoying hipster girl was all “is there meat in this?”

The waitress : “In goetta? Yes. It’s ground sausage.”

The annoying hipster girl: “Oh… I didn’t know what goetta was. I thought it was cheese.”

The waitress: “Ookay.”

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend (Accusatorily) : Um… She can’t eat that. She’s a vegetarian.”

The waitress (thinking to herself) – How hard would it have been to ask about the German thing you don’t know, since it’s probably not all that safe to assume it’s cheese.

The waitress (out loud): "Do you want me to bring you something else?"

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend: “Eh.”

They  then left the place without finishing their meal. I not sure if they paid.

Anyway… I know what Goetta is, and despite how delicious it may be, I know not to order it at a restaurant for at least the next year. I also know that if I'm not familiar with something, maybe I should ask what it is before ordering it. 

Grade after One Month: A minus.

 I’ve been successful so far. No lapses, not much temptation. I’m not like… LOVING it, but I do think that it’s promoting some healthier choices… and some less. (Cheese sticks? Fail.)

Get in Shape for the November 10K.
This one has been the least successful so far. I’ve really not taken any real substantive steps toward this one, and as opposed to the home improvement one… there’s no real reason I can’t have started, and there’s not really a way for someone else doing exercise can substitute for me doing it. If there was… I’d be rocking it, because the TM runs like someone is fucking chasing her every week. It’s maddening how dedicated and disciplined she is. I admire it, for sure.

All is not lost, though…

The plan all along was to start this one a little later, just to allow myself a tiny opportunity to ease into the plan. We talked about me getting a personal trainer starting around my birthday (Less than 2 weeks!). Unfortunately that well hasn’t been as fertile as we’d hoped, but I am using my tax refund to buy a good rowing machine. The reason I’m drawn toward that versus an elliptical or something of that nature is that my knees suck ass, so being able to do some real cardio on the rower, without putting strain on my joints is a good thing.

Oh… and I have a heavy bag that I like to punch, and I’ve been working on my form, I downloaded a boxing timer app for my iPad, and I like doing the rounds. It seems so finite, and not that indimidating. Of course, I’m only doing 3 or 4 at the moment, and the last 2 minutes feels like someone’s been making me carry jugs of water.

Grade after One Month – C minus.

Not a complete failure, but not really that good either.

Blog Once a Week
I can honestly say… I’ve been rocking this one. So far, through February 6^th, I’ve posted SEVEN blogs for the year. The last 4 months of 2011 featured 6 posts total. “

I’m interested in hearing what everyone things of the blogs. In general, I think they’re fine, but nothing really as stellar as the best of the best blogs in the past. I’m going to word away from blogging about sports, I think, or at least the nitty gritty type stuff. It seems that most everyone ignores that.

I’m also considering branching off and creating an “All Disney” Muchacho blog. There were a lot of interesting conversation topics that came up while I worked on that dual email with Annie, and there really is nothing more fun to blather about at length than Disney. If I were to do that, I would simulcast the blogs in both locations. Part of my knows that if I focus my efforts on a single topic, my readership will go up… Another part of me knows that my bad mouth isn’t really “Disney-esque”, so I kinda feel like I should make the Disney blogs an no-cuss zone. Kinda hard to enforce that when if my smiling Disney-Fan reader scrolls down too far on this page, they’re bombarded by motherfuckers. (See? I just did it).

Anyway… I’m pretty pleased about this resolution so far. I think that, depending on my schedule, I could even potentially do more. I’ve got my next two tick-tockin’ away.

Grade after One Month – A Minus

I like it. The people like it. Blogging regularly is good. That is all.

Stay tuned next week for “Chocolate, Wine, and Shopping”: Womanhood’s Trio of Kryptonite . Accompanied by “Beer, Boobs, and Big Televisions”: Manhood’s Fearsome Threesome.  

Nobody Knows.

A Browns fan's reaction to knowing they could have had Champ Bailey instead of Tim Couch.

The NFL is chock full of morons.

I don't mean the players. In fact, I've said before that I'm fairly certain that NFL players are at the worst the 2^nd smartest athletes of the big four sports.

No no... I'm talking about the fools in charge.

See, there's this thing that's been bothering me about the NFL for a while now. This philosophy for drafting that seems to be pervading the collective consciousness of every dumbass football executive and has been for the past 13 years. It goes like this:

If there's a top-line quarterback available, you HAVE to take him.

You know what I think? Total bullshit.

The reason I'm thinking about this today is because I'm really fucking tired of hearing about Andrew Luck.

“Will the Colts take Luck?”
“Should they trade Manning to make room?”
“If the Rams get the first pick, should they dumb Sam Bradford?”
“Should a team trade their whole draft to get him?”

It's so fucking tiring. And you know what? The answer to all of those questions is emphatically NO.

NO the Colts shouldn't take Luck or trade Manning to make room. No the Rams shouldn't dump Bradford for him. No, a team shouldn't trade their whole draft. That would be dumb.

This notion of taking a quarterback at all costs is relatively new, and it spawned from a draft that proves how dumb the whole thing is.

Remember back in 1998 when the great Peyton Manning entered the draft, and the whole world was going nuts about him just like they are now about Andrew Luck? You do? Because I don't. I remember there being big long debates about whether Manning was even the best quarterback. There was a guy named Ryan Leaf who was also considered number one material, and there were plenty of “experts” who thought the Colts made the wrong choice.

Ryan Leaf was taken 2^nd by the Chargers, and he was out of the league after 2001. That's 4 seasons.

So yeah... the Colts guessed right, but nobody would have faulted them for taking Leaf, and then the Chargers would have had the Hall of Famer. My point is... despite what everyone says, nobody knows.

So anyway, after Manning turned out to be awesome, or whatever, there has been a legitimate run on # 1 quarterbacks, and despite the overwhelming evidence that they miss as often as they hit, the fad doesn't seem to be slowing down.

Let's break it down...

In the 13 years prior to 1998 (The same number of drafts we've had since) there were 4 quarterbacks taken number one.
Those were:
Vinnie Testaverde, Troy Aikman, Jeff George, and Drew Bledsoe.

You have 1 true great (Aikman... I could even argue that he was a product of overwhelming offensive line power, much like his cohort Emmitt Smith), 2 contributors who failed to live up to their full potential (Testaverde and Bledsoe) and a bust (George). So... I'll say we're at 25% True Success, and another 50% with guys who had good (sometimes great) individual seasons, but ultimately underachieved, and 25% busts. The Legends and the Busts are tied.

In the years after Manning's draft, there were 10 Quarterbacks taken #1. Out of 13.

Tim Couch, Michael Vick, David Carr, Carson Palmer, Eli Manning, Alex Smith, Jamarcus Russell, Matthew Stafford, Sam Bradford, and Cam Newton.

Of those guys? ONE Super Bowl appearance.

Let's call Couch, Carr, and Russell legit busts.

Let's call Palmer, Vick, and Smith “Disappointments”

Stafford is currently in my “Bledsoe/Testaverde” group. More about the nunbers at this point... I don't think it'll be a surprise for him to surpass them, though..

Manning is, in my estimation somewhere between Bledsoe/Testaverde and Aikman. He might even be an over-achiever in some way.

So let's give them Manning and Stafford. We're at 20% unquestionable success. That seems like a really poor rate for something you “just have to do” (according to McShay and Kiper and all those other experts who don't have a fucking clue.

Who are the three best quarterbacks in the NFL this year?

Tom Brady was a 6^th round pick. I don't think we need to discuss Brady much. He's possibly the greatest quarterback ever. He's got 3 Rings and 2 MVPs and he is famously the 199^th pick in that draft. What quarterbacks were selected ahead of him? Chad Pennington (the only first round QB that year), Giovanni Carmazzi (who?), Chris Redman (again.. who?), Tee Martin (won a National Title at Tennesse when precious Peyton Manning couldn't... ha fucking ha), Spergon Wynn, and Marc Bulger (a pro-bowler who went... 168). Did anyone have a clue in 2000? Nope.

Drew Brees was a 2^nd rounder and everyone kept comparing him to Doug Flutie simply because he's shorter than is “desirable”. Shit... he even backed up Flutie in San Diego before he finally broke though. That's a joke. Did anyone think that Drew Brees would have a FAR better career than Michael Vick? Nope. (Except for me).

At least with Aaron Rodgers there was a debate between him and Alex Smith. Only this time, Ryan Leaf was taken first, and the Niners had to wait another 6 years to compete again.

Taking a quarterback first and missing will absolutely cripple a team.

I'm not going to keep rambling on... I just wish that teams would really take a minute to evaluate their picks, and not just take the quarterback first. It's not a sure thing, no matter how “sure” all of those ridiculous experts are.

Nobody knows. Andrew Luck could throw for 40 touchdowns next year. He could throw for 25 inteceptions. Neither would shock me. Nobody fucking knows.

My favorite #1 pick of the past ten years?

Mario Williams.

The Texans were absolutely hammered for taking Mario Williams over “no doubters Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart, but they took their hammering and have a game changing Defensive End who has made 3 pro-bowls. Great decision.

By the way... the best QB in that draft? Jay Cutler. The THIRD quarterback taken.

Ramblings of the Night Shift

Friends! I have returned.

I apologize for the long absence, but I’ve recently changed companies, and I’ve spent the past month training and preparing to be a full time “Third Shifter”.

You all may think I’m a little crazy, but it’s definitely a change for the better. I loved my old company in a lot of ways, but the time commitment was getting to be too much, and too much of a strain. This may be an overnight shift, but the time outside of work is so much less that I just had to take the opportunity.

Not to worry, though… You, my wonderful readers, have been in my thoughts. Now that I’m all adjusted and whatnot, I’ve thought of a new feature for the ol’ blog. I call it “Ramblings of the Night Shift”.

These will be my mostly unedited, free flowing thoughts that I have as I experience the permanent jet lag of working from 10pm to 8am for days at a time each week. Don’t expect the longer form type stuff I generally write, though those will hopefully come around as well. These will be shorter and probably incongruous. So… ENJOY!

Ramblings 1

What kind of moron does Jerome Simpson have to be? The guy FINALLY gets his chance to be a starter, and potentially a big-time producer for an NFL team. The guy has got to be making 500K a year if he’s making a fucking dollar, and he’s moonlighting as a fucking pot donkey. The guy had SIX POUNDS of pot in his condo. The Bengals have drafted some real idiots in the past, but if these things turn out to be true, he’s definitely the dumbest one. That’s right up there with Donald Little torturing his roommate with a hot coat hangar, or Art Long punching a horse… I’m troubled that the only really dumb crimes I can come up with were perpetrated by UC Basketball players…

I’m starting to worry about how I’m going to use the bathroom. Not like… in general, but at work. I’m the only person here, and part of my performance is charted by how many phone calls I miss during a shift. The phone isn’t going to ring off the hook or anything, but that makes missing a call even worse. I’m not totally sure I can go 10 hours while also eating my scheduled small and nutritious snacks (as advised by the TM) and my scheduled lunch. Plus I have to stay hydrated. I’m actually starting to have a little mini panic about it. I like going to the bathroom. I don’t like holding it.

The Charlie Sheen Roast is playing behind me in another department. Charlie Sheen is a total lunatic. Not in the funny way. I am glad the fervor faded at least a little since the total blow-up over the winter. What a mess that was. Anyway, I’m getting distracted… I don’t understand why the roasters always pick on each other more than they pick on the roastee. It seems kinda dumb. There was a pretty funny guy named Anthony Jeselnik. Nobody knows who the hell he is, but he was fucking hilarious. I will be looking up more of him. (Apparently he was named one of the top up and coming comics of 2009… like anyone keeps track of that bullshit).

The NCAA is Dumb

I love this picture for so many reasons, but primarily because he's a Cardinals fan.

I know most people who read my blog don't care about sports. So... my apologies. I guess just check back in another two weeks and see if I've been irritated by something else.

Of course, soon enough, I'll be blogging more about my very fast approaching Disney trip, so you have that other thing nobody cares about to look forward to.

As I was driving home last evening from a rousing viewing of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, (a very bizarre movie about Computers and Wizards), I heard that the University of Miami (Florida) (Only people from Ohio feel the need to clarify) has been linked to "thousands" of NCAA Rules Violations stemming from their football players getting illegal benefits from some dude, who also happens to be in jail for being a part of a near-billion dollar ponzi scheme.

There's all this talk about how this will affect the College Football Landscape and what will be done to punish The U and whatnot, and the ridiculously drastic phrase "Death Penalty" was being bandied about like they're actually talking about something that matters. Las Vegas sports books have taken the first game of the season against "off the board" making it un-bettable.

What a bunch of mother fucking drama queens.

Here's what I don't get... Why in the world does it matter? Is it to impose some sort of relevance on the NCAA, a notoriously ridiculous and pointless organization? An organization whose sole purpose at this point is to hold hostage the keys to the imaginary chastity belts of any given players' standing as a "student athlete". Student athlete...a term so laughably antiquated that the NCAA itself seems to have difficulty defining it.

And what a bunch of mother fucking hypocrites.

According to the rules, a "student athlete" can't receive any sort of compensation or benefit that would entice them to come to a school, or once at the school, can't receive any sort of benefit beyond the benefits they receive as a scholarshipped athlete. This includes being provided hookers, cars, cash, tattoos in exchange for memorabilia, or really anything that can be construed as a benefit bestowed on them because of their status. There are even limits to the amount of money a "student athlete" can earn while working a non-sports related part time job.

This is dumb. Oh... and completely un-enforceable.

The popular radio duo on ESPN Radio, Mike and Mike, argued about the issue this morning. Mike Greenberg believes that regulating the payout of illegal benefits is completely impossible, as has been proven true by years of failure. His solution is to eliminate the rules against it. Mike Golic (a former Notre Dame and NFL player) believes that the rules are necessary, and likens it to the rules against performance enhancing drugs. Greenberg stated over and over again that these aren't the same, and while he had a difficult time correctly articulating why, I don't have that same problem.

The differences are simple:
1) You can't TEST for illegal money or abortions or boats or whatever. It's all sort of grey area. Well... not all of it, but short of having something in writing that says "I gave Cam Newton $X.XX dollars to play football at Auburn University", every circumstance is littered with grey. On the other hand, there are several ways to conclusively test for performance enhancing drugs. Nothing grey about that, aside from every single one of them claiming they thought they were taking B-12.

2) The money, or the sex parties, or the mall trips, or the tattoos don't affect the athlete's performance on the field, whereas the drugs, in fact, do. They're actually called "Performance Enhancing Drugs". This, to me, is the only distinction worth mentioning, even. Reggie Bush would have been the best football player on the field at USC had he received a beach house or not. Would Tony Mandarich have been the best college football player way back in 1991 if he hadn't loaded himself with more drugs than Pablo Escobar's entertainment hutch? The answer is muddier.

The NCAA spends thousands of man hours investigating how much Tyrelle Pryor benefitted from trading his bowl rings for tattoos (as if that bullshit made any difference to anything that happens EITHER in the classroom or on the field.

Somehow this is what the NCAA has become. This sort of fascist accountant.

So what do I think should be done?

1) Keep the drugs illegal. As I said, they're testable, and have been proven to enhance performance.

2) Make the NCAA focus on academic issues. Cheating on exams, not taking exams, not taking enough credits, having other students write papers.... All of the things that could potentially make an athlete ACADEMICALLY ineligible. These are legitimate issues and things that need to be handled by the NCAA (and the colleges themselves).

3) Let the kids take whatever money, handies, boats, cars, houses they are offered, and by whomever offers it. We live in a free market society. Let the kids operate as capitalists, and treat themselves as industries.

Whoa Muchacho... won't the rich get richer?

I don't think so. I mean... I have no proof of this, since I'm writing this whole blog from the hip, but here's what I think...

First, most of the colleges out there are "dirty" by today's standards to one degree or another, so the actual difference may not be as big as one might assume.

Second, there are still the academic requirements that have to be considered. Duke and Notre Dame still can't accept certain students simply because they can't get into the schools.

Third, there are still scholarship and roster limits. John Calipari could officially offer each of the 20 McDonalds All-Americans money to come to UK (as if he doesn't already), and that doesn't mean that they would all come, NOR SHOULD THEY. You go to a high-profile school to get playing time, and TV time, and get to "the league". A dude can't get to the league sitting on the bench, and if the team is stacked from top to bottom with stars, everyone gets slighted.

I actually believe the schools will monitor themselves a bit. You need role players. You need character guys. You need the unselfish point guards. Just because they CAN offer money to everyone, doesn't mean they WILL.

I think things may even level out more than we think. There are guys who may not rate a money offer from UK or UNC who would normally go there, but Pepperdine is offering 50K instead...

I was talking to my dad, the Beefy Padre, about this, and he thinks the real issue with creating a free-market approach to the whole business is that it opens up the sports world to a higher likelihood of gambling problems, or fixed games, or points shaving, or whatever.

I'm not convinced this would be a problem with my solution, because the motivating factor for most of these issues is the "forbidden money", so if the money can come from anywhere, and the players can legitimately receive money from other sources, the gambling element wouldn't have as much pull. Personally, I think it's probably a bigger risk as it is now.

The real solution is: Ban gambling on college events. Stop laughing.

Seriously, though... that's the solution. Of course the NCAA is pleased as punch to collect dollar after dollar on casino promotions, and gambling kick-backs, and all that nonsense. They'd NEVER give that up. Not to mention that gambling on college basketball and football is a HUGE moneymaker for the casinos.

Anyway, it all doesn't matter, because the NCAA will never fix the problem. Or admit that it really isn't a problem. Or admit that there are real problems they should be concentrating on...

Did you know that the NCAA regulates what kind of meals schools can provide their athletes? Breakfasts can consist of Bagels, fruit, and nuts. That sounds okay, right? Well... Cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly... Those are not included, so if a school gives the player a bagel, they better fucking make sure he eats that bitch dry, or they've committed a "minor rules violation."

That is not a joke. This is what the idiots are worried about. There's no hope for collegiate sports.

Flabbergasted

Okay, so back in January, I wrote this blog where I talk at length about the sad, sad people who have to have negative political bumper stickers.

I then received a lengthy, and virulent response (to which I responded.)

Little did I know that the depth of the bumper sticker insanity had barely been marked at all.

This afternoon, I was on my way to pick up the Tofu Muchacha from work, and I was driving through downtown Cincinnati. Cincinnati isn't known as being the most tolerant place on Earth. It's a city known recently for the racism of their sports team owners and race riots.

So anyway, I'm driving, and I stop downtown at a red light. A car pulls up next to me, and honks their horn. I look over, and the windows are tinted, so I can't see the driver. They honk again, and I roll down my window.

The next part is a little bit of a blur.

It happened in regular speed, but you know sometimes something is so surprising that your brain can't give it the proper context quickly enough?

So this dude is leaning over toward me (he's on my driver's side, but he's like.. leaning into his passenger's seat). And I expect him to say something like "Your back tire is low" or "Do you know which way is Plum Street?", but no...

"HEY! HOW'S OBAMA TREATING YOU????"

It takes me a second to even register what in the hell he's talking about, but I realize he's seen my "Obama/Biden" sticker on the back of my car.

So I sort of stammer for a second, (as an ode to Colin Firth's Oscar win), and then I say:

"UM... I.., uh... have no complaints?"

He cuts me off toward the end by shouting:

"JACKASSSSSS!!!"

And then he rolls up his window. I admit to flipping him the bird, but I don't even know if he saw me. It was a fucking drive-by heckling.

About a sticker on a stranger's car.

I mean... aren't there a lot of issues with this? Does anyone else think that this sort of stinks of a lack common sense? Would you randomly shout angry things at a person you've never met? What if I had a gun on my passenger seat, and I'd just been all "Okay.... That's one fewer bullet for the spree I was planning, but what the heck!"? Is that a risk someone should be willing to take to shout a couple of angry curses about the alleged political views of a person?

What if I was just borrowing my sister's car? What if I bought it used and just hadn't had time to cover that sticker with my "Buck Ofama" sticker? What if I sported the sticker ironically? (none of the above, by the way.. I really did vote for Obama, and I would again.)

Kind of difficult to have any sort of meaningful exchange with a person when they're shouting from a neighboring car.

My point is...

Who's he convincing, exactly?

Is being menacing (and barely articulate) supposed to talk some sense into me?

I dunno.... Just some thoughts.

Let's Blame Someone!

You know what's really starting to piss me off?

All those bumper stickers crapping on the Obama presidency.

"Don't Blame Me. I Voted for McCain"
"Obama Bin Laden"
"OneBigAssMistakeAmerica"

How 'bout fuck you?

Listen... I'm no apologist. I know there are issues with the country. I know that Obama is fallible. Everyone is fallible. I know that this blog will come across as one big "liberal, commie rant" or whatever, but that's not it at all.

I also know that the problems with America are bigger than one person, one administration, one party, or even one two-term silly redneck. As much as I disliked the very presence of Gee-Dub, I never was short-sighted enough to assign all the blame for anything to him.

Here's what I don't like. Here's what makes me feel icky... It just seemed a little too quick to be actually, you know... thought-out. The "Anti" sentiment that pervades. I think I saw my first "Don't Blame Me... " sticker 2 weeks after the inauguration. Amazing. I'd love to know exactly what Obama did one way or the other after just 2 fucking weeks. Nothing. He was still learning the routes to effing oval office from his bedroom at that point. The system is basically designed to prevent quick decisions and quick actions.

I think it's pretty safe to say that anything that actually makes it through to becoming actual policy/law in the first two years of any administration is more attributable to the previous one.

Let's take the whole... "Obama is a reckless spender who has ruined America's economy" thing. Seems to me that in the year 2000, America's economy was as strong as it ever was in history. Yes? Yes. By October of 2008 our economy was facing collapse. Yes? Yes. There were days and days of drops in the stock market that each were bigger than the Black Monday collapse of 1929. Then on October 3, 2008, president Bush signs the SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLAR Bailout that was approved by a largely Republican congress. I'm not saying it was right or wrong, but it certainly wasn't Obama being economically irresponsible. But don't blame those people who voted for McCain. Goodness no.

I know the war isn't Obama's fault. I mean shit...he was in the fucking Illinois STATE Senate when we got involved, but it's amazing.... If you're against the war, it's Obama's fault because they're still there. If you're FOR the war, it's Obama's fault for being too much of a pussy and pulling out. (I wonder what pervs will happen upon my blog after Google mistakenly leads them here after that last sentence.... Hi Reverend Haggard!! Hi Bill O'Reilly!! Hi Larry Craig!!")

Anyway... I'm honestly not particularly political, so I don't care much for who's fault whatever is. After all that, it's not my point.

My point is that these fuckers are so obviously racist, it makes me sad. The stickers and the blame and the allegations of "socialism" or being "un-American" is just a thinly veiled excuse for all those Dixie-Flag-Waving, Back-of-the-bus pointing, pathetically obvious rednecks to be the racist fuckers they are all out in the open. It's scary.

These idiots, who are against a national health care system even though half of them can't afford heathcare themselves, who say it's un-American to repeal "Don't ask don't tell" yet can't be axed to provide a single reason why being gay matters while you're shooting a gun...

Since the protestation makes no sense, the only conclusion I can make is that they were determined to be against him no matter what, which is... dare I say it, the most un-American thing of all. The notion that a person is automatically wrong because they may represent a viewpoint that they are told doesn't mesh with what their ideals should be... it's so fucking convoluted and dumb, and monarchist. That's right. I said MONARCHIST.

I was once told, by a person I wholly respect otherwise, that President Jimmy Carter "hates America" because he had the audacity to state the opinion that a majority of the anti-Obama sentiment was at least partially racially motivated. I mean... Jimmy Carter. Nobel Peace Prize winning Jimmy Carter... Hates America. WHAT? Of course, he's right. Carter, I mean. To many people made the decision before there was a single fact supporting either side for it to be legitimate, informed opinion. Another guy I know put up a sign in his front yard the day after the election, saying something to the effect of "R.I.P. America". No possible way that Obama could do a good job. Not according to Sign Guy. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact it's a black guy with a Muslim name. No, no... Not at all.

I mean, me personally, even if I didn't like the guy, I think the election of Barack Obama was one of the greatest moments of evident growth in our nation's history. I know it's sort of like the back-side of Godwin's Law by bringing up Martin Luther King while discussing racism, but seriously... If you can't see progress in the fact that 40 years after the iconic figure of the civil rights movement was murdered in an act of overt racism a black man was elected PRESIDENT.. I mean... COME ON PEOPLE. How can that be Un-American? We should all be embarrassed that South Africa beat us to it.

But sure.. Let's post some fucking bumper stickers.

Hey while we're at it.. lets vote in a whole new congress based on the propaganda that Obama has too much power, or the Democrats have too much power, or they're just misguided and evil or whatever. The best way to get anything done either way is to swap out a full third of the decision making body in one swoop.

It's the biggest flaw in what sure seems to be a broken system. There's no chance at continuity.

Maybe one day, long ago, the American public as a whole was more shielded from the process and the folks elected to lead could lead. Now, there's such a divide, and there are so many loud voices convincing people of whatever is in the interests of the actors spouting whatever makes them rich, that we end up with so much turnover nothing can ever truly be accomplished. We live in a country of perpetual agitation.

ASIDE:
Is it worse if Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly believe what they say or don't?

The funniest thing to me is that I can't think of a single thing that any iteration of our government has done that has affected me on any level aside from a financial one. And is that what it all comes down to? Obama might raise taxes so we hate him? Well, that and the fact that he's black?

How shallow are we the people that money and race are the only determiners of a leader's worth?

I haven't even started in on the whole fucking travesty in Arizona, which is sad on a whole other level. That gets into the power of the media, the vapidness of Sarah Fucking Palin, the willful shift and or deflection of blame. It's just gross.

That whole thing is beyond fucked up. I could write a whole post about it, but you know... I won't. I'll be back to obsessing over sports and Disney and movies tomorrow. I'll just leave you with the words of Sheriff Clarence Dupnik who probably will be criticized for them. Oh wait... he already has been. I'm shocked.

"When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous."

Day 5 Sacramento to Battle Mountain: They don't call it "B.M." for nothing.

One in a Series of "The TM stands on the edge of something and scares the shit out of me" Photos.

Day 5 marked our initial lurch to the East. It featured a whole lot of pretty scenery early in the day, a strange little interlude in a strange little town, and then a long, dirty drive to the middle of absolute nowhere. It also proved that I'm an idiot. Read to the end to find out how!

We headed East from Sacramento on small California Route 50, and dove wheels-first into the Sierra Nevada mountain range. The TM calls it her favorite place in the world. I'd never been anywhere near that part of the country, but as we left the fairly disappointing city sprawl of Sacramento, and the road began to wind, and the the trees sprouted more frequently along the side of the highway, I could already understand what it was she loved about the land there. It's absolutely breathtaking. The drive circles and doubles back and climbs through the mountains, and follows along rivers and forests as you go. Eventually, as you come around this one curve the whole vista opens up into the amazing landscape. We had to pull over and take some pictures.


I was absolutely astounded by the scope of these mountains. It's deceptive, because the tree-line seems to reach to the top, but as we headed back to the truck, the scale is truly put into perspective. This is among my five favorite photos we took on the trip.

Some more photos of the Sierra Nevadas, for your viewing enjoyment.



We talked a lot, during this portion of the drive, about all of the adventures we'd love to have, and all of the places we'd like to see. It was determined that we'd enjoy the following adventures (Among others):

1) Drive down the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway). The TM has done this, but I haven't. During this whole trip, I was astounded by the amazing variation in environments in our country, and I think the PCH embodies this in one fell swoop.

2) See Patagonia. The TM really wants to see Antarctica for some reason (I kind of hate the cold, generally). We felt that the land of Llamas and Chinchillas would be a good compromise.

3) Visit Morocco. What can I say? I must have a secret "Almost Famous" thing. There's something sort of magical about the Northern African coast, I think. I mean... I really know very little aside from what I've heard, but Marrakesh is supposedly one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

4) Spend an extended period of time camping and hiking in Yosemite National Park. I believe the TM would do this forever if it weren't for the cats at home, but she's got her heart set on "at least a couple of months or so". Sounds kind of terrible, but also really, really fun. That makes no sense. I know, but still.

But I digress...

As we left the Sierra Nevadas, we were kind of spat out at the Southern base of Lake Tahoe, right at the border of California and Nevada. It was really pretty, but also kind of a let-down based on the build-up I had in my head.

One thing that we immediately noticed were the casinos. I didn't forget that Las Vegas is in Nevada, and I didn't forget that Reno (our Lunch destination) was in Nevada, but I'd never been anywhere in Nevada OTHER than Vegas, so it never occurred to me that you can literally gamble EVERY WHERE. Like... seriously... at the gas stations. At the fast food places. At the grocery. Ev. Er. Eee. Where.

We sneezed twice and missed Carson City altogether.

As we arrived into Reno (The Biggest Little City something or other), we headed toward our lunch spot, and noticed it was really effing crowded, and I'd wanted to mark our time in Reno by doing a tiny bit of legal gambling.

Let me digress one more time.

As you all know, I am a huge Cincinnati Reds fan. One of the only unfortunate aspects of going on this trip when we did was that the Reds were playing in their first playoff series since I was fifteen (I'm thirty), and I was going to miss at least the first 3 games.

It hadn't escaped by notice that I happened to be in the state with legal gambling on the same day the Reds had their first playoff game since 1995, so I thought I'd try to bring the Reds a little luck by placing a small wager on game one of their series against the Phillies. I placed my wager of 25.00, played a single round of Penny slots, and then we headed to lunch.

Our lunch destination was the Triple-D-Featured "The Dish Cafe". Originally, the TM thought she'd visited this place years before, but once we realized it was only 8 years old, we figured it must have been somewhere else.

That's too bad, because this place is freaking awesome.

The big thing about The Dish Cafe is that features hand-made everything with locally grown things, ecologically responsible things, and most of all... some effing delicious things.

We were greeted with a friendly hello, and we ended up seating ourselves to look at the menu... It was a super tough decision for being a pretty straight forward menu. I love soup and sandwiches, so I chose the half-sandwich and soup combo of the "Mushroom Barley" soup and the Reuben panini. You can see it below.

It was pretty amazing in every way. The soup was really well seasoned. I usually have to salt soups that are made at restaurants, but this soup didn't need a single shake. The Reuben? Oh lord. That thing was as good as any New York deli sandwich I've ever eaten. The pastrami was super lean, but well seasoned. The bread was grilled perfectly, and the best part? Homemade thousand-island dressing. Well done, Dish Cafe.Well done. Amazing.

The TM ordered a full sandwich. The Melty Mushroom Panini. See below.

It also was really, really good. I only had a bite, but in that bite I knew I would totally order that on a subsequent visit. The TM ate just about every bite....

I'm only not positive about that, because at some point during our meal, we looked over and saw these two ladies eating this dessert. It was difficult to identify off the bat, so we asked, and they said they were eating a "Banana Bread Pudding". We ordered it. [EDIT: Obviously, this is not "banana" bread pudding. It was late when I typed this originally. It was Pumpkin]


Then we fucking KILLED it. That was one of my all-time favorite desserts. It had this great, crispy outside, but as you went deeper into the pudding, it got softer and more dense. The dollop of whipped cream was the... erm.... icing on the cake. I'd say this is the single best item we ate on the whole trip. I can taste it now.

Overall, I give The Dish Cafe a solid 9.5, and I believe the TM gave it either a 9.5 or a 10. I think I would have a hard time ever saying there was nothing to improve, but this is definitely the closest to perfection in a restaurant we saw. It was outstanding.

To be perfectly honest, the rest of the drive to Battle Mountain was pretty dull and uneventful. Oh... except for 3 things.

1) We passed this house near mike marker 148 on I-80 going East that was totally crazy looking, and I want to know more about this place.

2) It was during this stretch we encountered the first "No Hitchhikers, Prison Area" signs.

3) Remember that 25.00 bet I made on the Reds? Well.. You probably heard about how Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched the first playoff no-hitter since 1956. Yeah... you're welcome Reds fans. I'm fairly sure that was my fault. Damn what an effing jinx I am.

Some quick notes about Battle Mountain, Nevada....

Battle Mountain was once called the "Armpit of America" by the Washington Post. I can't say I could find a reason to disagree. We asked the girl at the Super 8 desk what there was to do in town, and after some of those blinks that make noise like the cartoons do, she pulled out this little line drawing map of the town that pointed out 5 buildings. 2 were pizza places, and 3 were casinos.

We were hungry and thought we may as well check it out, so we drove to "Downtown" Battle Mountain, passing Donna's Whore House on the way. Seriously. A brothel.

We ended up eating at The Owl Casino and Diner. We asked them if they had a gift shop, or if they had souvenirs (because the TM likes Owls) and they basically laughed at us. Or would have laughed had this horrible place not sucked out all of their humor. It was depressing, Y'all. That's what I'm saying here. It was super, super depressing. The casino portion of the Owl had 4 people or so playing slots. Drunkenly cheering at every 3 dollar score. The place next door was no better.

We left as soon as possible.

I wish we'd managed to remember to get a picture of it, but we felt it was fitting that they've carved a giant "B.M" into the side of one of the mountains. BM indeed.



Oh... and why am I an idiot? Because I planned this particular route, not just for Day 5, but for Day 4 as well, to go through the Redwood forest. Did I actually take any time to look to see where the Redwoods actually are? No. Did I see a single, damned Redwood at any point during our trip? No. Was I bummed? Yes.

I guess that PCH Road Trip will finally be the time I drive through a mother-effing tree.