My Titanic Blog

 The makings of a much more interesting film.

[Editors Note, written immediately before posting]
I haven’t seen Titanic since December of 1997. That’s on purpose. I’ve accidentally seen random scenes here and there on TV, but other than that, my memory of the film is ENTIRELY based on my recollection from that one, single viewing. I wrote this blog over the course of a couple of weeks, and I discussed some of my points with some known Titanic fans throughout the process. I’ve come to realize that some of the details of my arguments (specifically relating to the ins and outs of the specific plot) are possibly not entirely accurate. I’ve decided to leave the points as-is, and am planning a follow-up post where I re-watch the film in its 2D entirety, and adjust my opinions as needed. I promise to be honest with my re-assessment.

Okay, so it’s no secret that I think Titanic is just about the worst. I’ve stated it on numerous occasions. I’m not trying to hide the fact.

I guess I just always assumed that I’d established my full argument as to WHY I feel that way, and looking back through the blog, I realize I never really have.

My friend Annie, who has appeared as a guest blogger here before when talking about Disney, has thrown down the gauntlet, and essentially accused me of hating it only because it’s popular.

Being a Muchacho of honor, I have decided to finally and officially break it down. I assure you that Titanic’s popularity is only a small reason I hate it.

First off… I don’t hate Justin Bieber. I don’t hate Miley Cyrus or Katy Perry or Avatar. At most, I have no real opinion at all of Bieber. I can’t name a song of his, I didn’t see his movie. My only thought about Justin Bieber is that he makes me feel old. I always have this sneaking feeling that if I were 17 I would understand his deal, and I feel like I’m so far removed from knowing his deal that it sort of depresses me.

Avatar… If I’m being honest, I have to say I don’t get it. I mean… I liked it as much as the next guy, but I don’t get why this movie earned more than any other movie ever. Despite that disconnect, I have no real negative feelings about it. If it had beaten The Hurt Locker for Best Picture, I’m fairly sure my perspective on the movie wouldn’t change. I’d certainly yell and rant that it didn’t deserve to win Best Picture, but I do that with Chicago also, and I like Chicago just fine.

I guess the heart of this first point is that I’m not anti-populist. I am no hipster who intentionally seeks out only the most obscure and off-the-beaten-path movies to like. Shit… My favorite movie of 2012 so far was The Hunger Games, which is arguably targeting the same people that Titanic targeted 15 years ago.

Titanic’s popularity isn’t what makes me hate it, and more importantly, it’s not what makes me argue that it’s actually not good. It’s part of what makes me argue that it’s the worst movie ever made, but I’ll get to that…

I guess I have two separate arguments, really… The first is that Titanic isn’t a good movie, and the second is that Titanic is the worst movie ever made.

That sounds like varying levels of the same premise, but really they’re very different, because while there are a million terrible movies made every year, there’s rarely a movie, no matter how bad it is, to merit consideration in the “Worst of All Time” race.

Let’s start off with why I think it’s a bad movie…

1) The main characters are almost entirely unlikable.

Jack Dawson is a smug little d-bag who you’d likely want to punch if you met him in real life. He’s the guy who sings “I Gave My Love a Cherry” and says all the right things, and offers to draw her. Amazingly he’s awesome at guitar and he’s awesome at drawing, but certainly that is merely coincidental to his volunteering.

The Kate Winslett version of Rose is okay I suppose. Sure, she’s flighty, but she’s young and it’s Kate Winslett, so it’s to some degree forgivable. Although, the fact that she tolerates Billy Zane for even a half a second makes her unlikable by association alone. HOWEVER… that old lady version of Rose is the absolute WORST. Think about this for a second… That old crone dragged a whole team of scientists out into the middle of the North Atlantic to search for “The Heart of the Ocean”, when she really had it the whole time. And then, once they decided it was a lost cause, she tosses it! How many millions of dollars did that damned expedition cost? Just so she could hitch a ride to say farewell to the love of her life who she knew for two whole days. Blech… I hate that old lady. Thank god Britney Spears’ astronaut boyfriend retrieved it for her, or that priceless artifact would still be at the bottom of the ocean.

Oh… and maybe it’s a personal objection, but I feel like the relationship between Jack and Rose could have existed just as easily without the existence of Billy Zane at all. They could have given her some other hoity-toity rich girl issue that Jack breaks down, but instead they just make her a girl who cheats on her fiancé (odious as he may be), and that seems unnecessary and unseemly.

2) The tertiary characters aren’t much better.
The Italian guy who might as well go around the whole movie going “Thatsa bigga pizza pie!”, or Kathy Bates as Molly Brown, the most broadly painted character in history. Or the aforementioned Billy Zane, who may as well have been wearing a Snidely Whiplash mustache he was so fucking evil. There’s no grey area with any of the characters. The Italian guy is merely Italian. Molly Brown is a damned quote machine. Billy Zane is only missing the railroad tracks and rope.

3) The movie is way too long.
I’m sorry… but it is. Three hours and fourteen minutes. We’re not talking about The English Patient, a love story that spans years. We’re talking about a movie that lasts longer than the actual sinking of the ship. If the writing was good, or if the characters were super charismatic, I’d give it more leeway, but it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t shy away from an epic. I love all three Lord of the Rings movies, and they’re all longer. Again, though… the justification for that is that the story spans months of time. It takes place in a hundred locations. The books are hundreds and hundreds of pages. What it always struck me is that Cameron was TRYING to make something big and long and epic. It was a show-off thing. It was also a lazy thing, because maybe a couple fewer loving shots of the boat (that look like matte paintings anyway) and maybe one or two fewer annoying scenes between Rose and Billy Zane… You may have yourself the start of a picture. Oh… and the framework scenes with Bill Paxton, at his absolute worst, talking to the old lying lady… terrible. I don’t care.

In the end, the only explanation for it is that Cameron is overly self-indulgent (Also potentially explaining Avatar’s GIANT run time. I mean… learn to use AVID for fuck’s sake.)

4) There are a lot of manipulative movies, none quite as overtly so.

I’ve often said that the movie is manipulative, and I stand by that. There was a counterpoint made that a lot of movies are manipulative, and yes… that’s totally true. The Pianist is a decent movie that loses points because a lot of its emotion stems from it being set during the Holocaust. That’s like hitting a ball off a tee. It’s easy to make people cry about one of the worst things to ever happen on the planet. One of my favorite movies, Saving Private Ryan, includes a scene at the end that is acutely designed to make a person weep. The primary difference is that while there are manipulative scenes in most movies, Titanic seems to be set to manipulate and steer through every scene from start to finish. One would argue that this is called “Directing” and as a theatre director myself, I can see that logic, but sometimes the better choice is to let the material do it’s own talking. Presenting something simply can be just as powerful, and not quite as overtly manipulative. I’m talking about watching Thomas Andrews setting his clock, or the old couple cuddling on the bed as the water fills the cabin, or the all of the lingering shots of the poor people drowning. I get that many of those things happened (poor people dying) or may have happened (nobody fucking knows about Andrews, besides that he went down with the ship, like most men on board, and those old people are pure fiction.)… That leads me to…

5) Something about it feels gross to me.

The Titanic was a real ship. With real people. Who really died.

“But wait, Muchacho… What about: Glory, Gettysburg, Saving Private Ryan, EVERY WAR MOVIE EVER?”

Yeah, that’s true too. Except that I kind of feel like every one of those movies is primarily about those events, or honoring those events in some way. I have always felt like Titanic was James Cameron’s project ABOUT a love story that happens to take place on The Titanic. I just feel like it’s somehow disrespectful. And when you lionize fictional (and unlikeable people) while there are real, and powerful stories to actually tell… it just feels like you’re talking out of both sides of your mouth. On the one hand, you want to show off how historically accurate you made the ship, and how much you care about deep sea archeology. On the other hand, you ignore a hundred compelling TRUE stories and completely make one up about a slick, boyish con artist and a overly privileged rich girl who also cheats on her fiancé.

Maybe I’m wrong, but it just feels icky.

In fairness, I also felt that way about National Treasure when Nic Cage was tossing the Declaration of Independence around, and shooting up Liberty Hall. It just gives me the willies.

So anyway… that’s the primary thrust of part one of my argument that Titanic is not a good movie. I have other, more petty, less reasoned…um… reasons, but I don’t want to like…go on and on when I’m maybe only about halfway through.
__________________________
Now, on to how I can possibly call this movie, even if we’re all accepting that it’s bad, the Worst Movie of All Time.

This is a more complicated premise, because, well… there are some horrific movies out there, and it’s very difficult to make the argument that Titanic, a movie with undeniable technical prowess, and clear talent can be worse than a movie like Manos: Hands of Fate, or Plan Nine from Outer Space. Both measurably bad movies.

In fact, almost all evidence regarding Titanic would lead me to the counter argument, that it is, in fact, the GREATEST movie ever made. It won Best Picture and Best Director. It made something like 650 million dollars at the box office. Meaning that it was both critically poplular and popularly popular, which I will grant makes my argument possibly silly. Well… it’s my argument, and I’m gonna make it.

Obviously, in order to buy into my opinion that it’s the worst ever, you have to first accept that my primary premise is correct.. that the movie is, in fact, bad. So I’ll assume we agree on that point. Or at least that I swayed you. Hooray!

As I said before, there are a ton of bad movies. My buddy Brawny Hombre would argue that Bad Movies are actually the best movies. He would also argue that movies like Armageddon are bad, and while that may be true, I don’t think he’d argue that it would be in the conversation for worst ever.

What is the difference, then?

Well… in the case of Plan Nine From Outer Space, it’s the sheer, willful, almost GLEEFUL way Ed Wood ignored every facet of the production. Writing. Continuity. Acting. Direction. These were all secondary to “Getting the movie made” and that showed in every frame. When Bela Lugosi died during filming, he merely hired his dentist to walk around with a cape over his face and simply believed nobody would notice. Scenes change from Night to Day to Night depending on what angle he’s shooting from. It’s a train wreck. It’s really, really bad.

In the case of a movie like… Showgirls, the production value was largely fine, but the writing and acting completely sunk it, as did it being fully lacking in even a modicum of self-awareness. It’s so goofy and weird and badly written and acted, but you know that they believed they were making art. It’s the obtuse self aggrandizement that makes it especially bad.

For Titanic, I believe that it boils down to 2 major things.

1) James Cameron fully believes it is the greatest movie ever made, believed it when he was making it, and made it with the intention of it ultimately being that. The mere fact that he set out to do it, and it ended up being bad (as we accepted) puts it in the conversation. I have a problem, as a director, with directors in general overstating their own importance, brilliance, talent, genius, etc… The sort of shameless self promotion turns me right off. Even 15 years later, James Cameron re-released Titanic and acted like he was gifting it on us or something.

I can just picture him saying something like : “I know you’ve been slogging your way through year after year of marginal movies by marginal directors… you know.. aside from my very own Avatar, but not to worry… I’m here to solve your boredom and lift you out of the doldrums of film watching by presenting you… with a movie you’ve already seen a million times. You’re Welcome.”

The whole attitude is off-putting. Michael Bay makes explosion vehicles. He knows it. We know it. He accepts that’s his lot, so when he makes a clunker, we laugh and it goes away, and then he makes another movie with explosions, and we either like it better or worse than the one before. Michael Bay knows who he is. James Cameron insists on telling us what kind of genius he is, and it pisses me right off. The primary vehicle for him touting his genius is Titanic, which… as I already explained, isn’t even any good.

2) The main reason I believe it’s the worst ever, is because “Worst’ is relative. And Titanic has the greatest (by a country mile) disparity between actual quality, and purported quality.

Ed Wood liked Plan Nine, but he never said it was a masterpiece. Oliver Stone would never call Alexander his best film, unless he was just being belligerent (a real possibility).

There are many movies that, in a vacuum, are far worse than Titanic, but the claims to greatness… the utter insistence from the legions of fans that it’s the BEST MOVIE EVAR, the willful ignorance of any type of disputation, the OUTRAGE and SHOCK when a person even deigns to suggest it isn’t the GREATEST movie ever made automatically makes the chasm between actual quality and purported quality so great that no other movie can match it.

So that’s my argument. Titanic is the worst strictly in terms of proportion. If Titanic had simply been presented without comment, and had lived a fairly quiet life, I may have very different feelings of it. Even if it wasn’t quiet, and still made a crapload of money, like Avatar, but didn’t hold itself out there as being so fucking fantastic…

You could say that part of this argument is that the popularity of it makes me not like it, but that’s a real oversimplification, because there are tons of movies that I love that are also popular. And books. And TV shows. I love Pirates of the Caribbean. I love DISNEY movies. I love The Hunger Games. None of those would lose a popularity contest.

I hate that Titanic is so popular because it is bad. I don’t think Titanic is bad because it is popular. So I dunno… Maybe it is exactly what it looks like.

Let's Blame Someone!

You know what's really starting to piss me off?

All those bumper stickers crapping on the Obama presidency.

"Don't Blame Me. I Voted for McCain"
"Obama Bin Laden"
"OneBigAssMistakeAmerica"

How 'bout fuck you?

Listen... I'm no apologist. I know there are issues with the country. I know that Obama is fallible. Everyone is fallible. I know that this blog will come across as one big "liberal, commie rant" or whatever, but that's not it at all.

I also know that the problems with America are bigger than one person, one administration, one party, or even one two-term silly redneck. As much as I disliked the very presence of Gee-Dub, I never was short-sighted enough to assign all the blame for anything to him.

Here's what I don't like. Here's what makes me feel icky... It just seemed a little too quick to be actually, you know... thought-out. The "Anti" sentiment that pervades. I think I saw my first "Don't Blame Me... " sticker 2 weeks after the inauguration. Amazing. I'd love to know exactly what Obama did one way or the other after just 2 fucking weeks. Nothing. He was still learning the routes to effing oval office from his bedroom at that point. The system is basically designed to prevent quick decisions and quick actions.

I think it's pretty safe to say that anything that actually makes it through to becoming actual policy/law in the first two years of any administration is more attributable to the previous one.

Let's take the whole... "Obama is a reckless spender who has ruined America's economy" thing. Seems to me that in the year 2000, America's economy was as strong as it ever was in history. Yes? Yes. By October of 2008 our economy was facing collapse. Yes? Yes. There were days and days of drops in the stock market that each were bigger than the Black Monday collapse of 1929. Then on October 3, 2008, president Bush signs the SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION DOLLAR Bailout that was approved by a largely Republican congress. I'm not saying it was right or wrong, but it certainly wasn't Obama being economically irresponsible. But don't blame those people who voted for McCain. Goodness no.

I know the war isn't Obama's fault. I mean shit...he was in the fucking Illinois STATE Senate when we got involved, but it's amazing.... If you're against the war, it's Obama's fault because they're still there. If you're FOR the war, it's Obama's fault for being too much of a pussy and pulling out. (I wonder what pervs will happen upon my blog after Google mistakenly leads them here after that last sentence.... Hi Reverend Haggard!! Hi Bill O'Reilly!! Hi Larry Craig!!")

Anyway... I'm honestly not particularly political, so I don't care much for who's fault whatever is. After all that, it's not my point.

My point is that these fuckers are so obviously racist, it makes me sad. The stickers and the blame and the allegations of "socialism" or being "un-American" is just a thinly veiled excuse for all those Dixie-Flag-Waving, Back-of-the-bus pointing, pathetically obvious rednecks to be the racist fuckers they are all out in the open. It's scary.

These idiots, who are against a national health care system even though half of them can't afford heathcare themselves, who say it's un-American to repeal "Don't ask don't tell" yet can't be axed to provide a single reason why being gay matters while you're shooting a gun...

Since the protestation makes no sense, the only conclusion I can make is that they were determined to be against him no matter what, which is... dare I say it, the most un-American thing of all. The notion that a person is automatically wrong because they may represent a viewpoint that they are told doesn't mesh with what their ideals should be... it's so fucking convoluted and dumb, and monarchist. That's right. I said MONARCHIST.

I was once told, by a person I wholly respect otherwise, that President Jimmy Carter "hates America" because he had the audacity to state the opinion that a majority of the anti-Obama sentiment was at least partially racially motivated. I mean... Jimmy Carter. Nobel Peace Prize winning Jimmy Carter... Hates America. WHAT? Of course, he's right. Carter, I mean. To many people made the decision before there was a single fact supporting either side for it to be legitimate, informed opinion. Another guy I know put up a sign in his front yard the day after the election, saying something to the effect of "R.I.P. America". No possible way that Obama could do a good job. Not according to Sign Guy. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact it's a black guy with a Muslim name. No, no... Not at all.

I mean, me personally, even if I didn't like the guy, I think the election of Barack Obama was one of the greatest moments of evident growth in our nation's history. I know it's sort of like the back-side of Godwin's Law by bringing up Martin Luther King while discussing racism, but seriously... If you can't see progress in the fact that 40 years after the iconic figure of the civil rights movement was murdered in an act of overt racism a black man was elected PRESIDENT.. I mean... COME ON PEOPLE. How can that be Un-American? We should all be embarrassed that South Africa beat us to it.

But sure.. Let's post some fucking bumper stickers.

Hey while we're at it.. lets vote in a whole new congress based on the propaganda that Obama has too much power, or the Democrats have too much power, or they're just misguided and evil or whatever. The best way to get anything done either way is to swap out a full third of the decision making body in one swoop.

It's the biggest flaw in what sure seems to be a broken system. There's no chance at continuity.

Maybe one day, long ago, the American public as a whole was more shielded from the process and the folks elected to lead could lead. Now, there's such a divide, and there are so many loud voices convincing people of whatever is in the interests of the actors spouting whatever makes them rich, that we end up with so much turnover nothing can ever truly be accomplished. We live in a country of perpetual agitation.

ASIDE:
Is it worse if Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly believe what they say or don't?

The funniest thing to me is that I can't think of a single thing that any iteration of our government has done that has affected me on any level aside from a financial one. And is that what it all comes down to? Obama might raise taxes so we hate him? Well, that and the fact that he's black?

How shallow are we the people that money and race are the only determiners of a leader's worth?

I haven't even started in on the whole fucking travesty in Arizona, which is sad on a whole other level. That gets into the power of the media, the vapidness of Sarah Fucking Palin, the willful shift and or deflection of blame. It's just gross.

That whole thing is beyond fucked up. I could write a whole post about it, but you know... I won't. I'll be back to obsessing over sports and Disney and movies tomorrow. I'll just leave you with the words of Sheriff Clarence Dupnik who probably will be criticized for them. Oh wait... he already has been. I'm shocked.

"When you look at unbalanced people, how they respond to the vitriol that comes out of certain mouths about tearing down the government. The anger, the hatred, the bigotry that goes on in this country is getting to be outrageous."

Bringing the Hate

Don't you worry, Bee Pee. I got your back.

Brandon Phillips, the Cincinnati Reds second baseman, was one of my favorite Reds before today.

After today he may be my all time favorite.

You see... Brandon Phillips brought back one of the greatest traditions in all of sports. A tradition that has fizzled and died under the surge of free agency and hyper-rich athletes who all live next door to each other in Orlando and Scottsdale.

Brandon Phillips brought back the hate.

Here's what he said about the St. Louis Cardinals:

"I'd play against these guys with one leg. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they're little bitches, all of 'em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”

Thank you, Brandon Phillips. You have made me smile one of the most sincere sports-related smiles I can remember.

I will always remember talking to my dad about baseball as a kid, and hearing about how when he was growing up, he HATED the Los Angeles Dodgers. I re-confirmed this with him today... He said "We all hated them. We hated everything about them. The way the played. The way they acted. Everything."

In the 60s and 70s the Reds and the Dodgers were the two best teams in the National League. They were always fighting and competing and hating each other. And it was great. That's where rivalries come from.

Then, as free agency gained steam and players played for multiple teams over the course of their careers and they got richer and more detached, the rivalries fizzled. Too often you'd see first basemen chatting with runners at first base. You'd see catchers and batters exchanging friendly words between pitches. It makes me fucking sick.

I am sad I never got to see the days when a Juan Marichal would beat Johnny Roseboro with a bat at home plate.

I'm not saying there should be REAL hate. I don't wish bad things for Chris Carpenter in his personal life, but do I want the Reds to shove that baseball up his whiny ass every chance they can get.

It's good for sports to have rivalries. It's good for fans to have teams to root against. They made musicals about how much people hated the Damn Yankees back in the day, for god's sake.

I love what Brandon Phillips said. Even if it's not true (it is true. totally true) it's a throwback to the days when the players didn't all live in the same gated communities in South Beach in the off season. That's only a good thing.

Tonight, in response, the Cardinal's catcher Yadi Molina started proving Bee Pee right by acting like a little bitch and whining that Brandon huwt his feewings. Then they fought. Like enemies should. And it made me laugh and smile, because finally... FINALLY I have MY Dodgers. I have a team that I can unequivocally root against every minute of every game. I did anyway, but this makes it even better.

The Reds are finally good again. They are finally good enough to have a rivalry that means something. It's pretty freaking awesome.

I declare JIHAD!

When I Google searched "War on", "War on Christmas" was the 5th item on the list. After Terror, Drugs, Poverty, and Iraq. Before Afganistan, Crime, and Cancer. Glad we have our priorities straight.

Here we are on Christmas Eve, and I come to find out that we are under attack. Apparently, (and I have this on good authority), an actual WAR has been declared on Christmas!

When I first heard about it, I thought to myself "Who would want to declare WAR on Christmas?" Well, apparently everybody. It's a goddamned conspiracy is what it is. Those effing liberal, hippy, pot-smoking, tree-hugging, commie, pinko, leftist, athiestic looney-birds are literally trying to remove CHRIST from CHRISTMAS. I mean... how can they do that? It says it right there in the name of the holiday for the love of Mike.

I hear, and this is no unsubstantiated report, that store clerks are being instructed to say "Happy Holidays" to their customers! What a fucking outrage. Here we are, proud and fantastic Christians, and these complete strangers are being instructed to not single us out and make us feel even more entitled and special than we already do! It's ridiculous is what that is. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to fucking boycott Katz' Delicatessen for not wishing me the Merry CHRIST-MASS that I deserve to be wished.

What's next? Will they start asking my pregnant sister to walk into the back alley with them so they can perform that 3rd tri-mester abortion? Will they trick me into walking down the aisle with one of my deliciously handsome male friends (who are all completely straight) and marry their virile asses?

Soon we're all going to be socialists and we'll be voting for Muslims for President (Ooopss! Too late!) and we're all going to be worshipping some fucker named Charlie Darwin and celebrating Darwinmas.

Well.. Not me! I've had enough. Next time someone has the unmitigated gall to with me a "Happy Holidays", I'm going to punch them in their fat fucking face.

Okay... so the past few paragraphs are paraphrases of things I've been hearing and seeing everywhere for the last couple of years around this time. Christians here and there get all up in arms about how people are trying to "secularize" Christmas, and "Take the Christ out of Christmas" and how Christians have been minoritized and descriminated against and whatnot, and you know what?

I don't see it. I don't understand how wishing a person you don't know "Happy Holidays" can ever be taken as anything other than a pleasantry.

I want someone who believes that Christmas is being devalued by writing "X-Mas" (and wishing "Happy Holidays" and having non-denominational Winter Celebrations in public schools) to explain to me how. HOW? I don't get it.

I was at Disney World between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2005 and when the Magic Kingdom opened, they had their usual show to start the day. This one had a definite holiday theme, and the "Mayor" wished the crowd "Happy Holidays Folks!". One lady in the crowd made a point of shouting "You mean MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and I honestly wanted to go over there and say "You do realize you're not the only one here right? You realize there are Jews who have paid the same money as you to be here. And probably Muslims and Buddhists and a ton of other faiths? You realize the world doesn't center around you."

I didn't, of course, because what's the point?

I first started blogging over at Xanga, specifically to have a running dialogue with a fundamentalist Christian from Georgia, and he would often rail about these kinds of things. One thing I learned in my 2 or so years of debates with him is that there rarely would actually BE a debate. His arguments and positions were usually populated with straw men and no matter the logic, no matter the backup documentation, his position never changed or even bent slightly. I realized there's no real point in arguing past stating your point, because his tautological bent was too strong to truly puncture. He's certainly not the odd-duck in that. Fundamentalism is predicated on the willful ignorance of facts.

I've wondered aloud for some time who, exactly, was being harmed by the innocuous wishing of "Happy Holidays".

I have certainly seen no evidence to demonstrate that Christmas has been weakened commercially. I still see inflated Reindeer everywhere. I still see twinkly lights. And Sales and manger scenes and everything that just shouts "CHRISTMAS". For every 1 mention of Hanukah or Kwanzaa I see about a billion mentions of Christmas. For every non-Christmas holiday song I hear (which is basically none) I hear about a billion Christmas songs. Basically what I'm saying is Christmas is everywhere, and it's gonna take a lot more than a dude at Macys saying something as harmless and pleasant as "Happy Holidays" to take anything away from it.

If the argument is that Christmas is being secularized, well... that may be true, but that's been the case, pretty much since well.... since the Catholic Romans decided to celebrate Jesus' birthday at an inaccurate time just to blend in with the Romans celebrating the pagan holiday of Saturnalia at the same time. Based on all kinds of scientific evidence involving astronomy and whatnot, Jesus would have been born some time in the Spring. The whole business is pretty secularized and has been for millenia.

Oh... and what exactly is a company like Disney or Sears or whomever supposed to do? The whole purpose of having a business is to make money, and unless you're a Christian Book Store or something like that, you're probably not really intent on alienating large groups of people by singling them out or leaving them out. Seems like bad business practice when Jews and Muslims and Kwanzaa-celebrators and everyone else have spending money too. Why intentionally leave people out just because it makes another group feel special. Even sadder is that the group all upset about this nonsense has more special treatment bestowed upon them than any other group in the history of the fucking world.

There is one thing that scares me about the whole thing. This same particular group of Christians who are so adamant about attention being paid are the ones who behave least like Christians are supposed to. There is no other cheek being turned. This is the same group who levied death threats against a billboard sign owner who rented space to an athiest group. This is the same group who boycotts funerals holding "God Hates Fags" signs. Far be it from me to be the judge of who is "Good" and who is "Bad", but these people don't seem good to me.

I personally think it's a good thing that our country allows for all voices to be heard equally. I personally think it's a good thing that there are rules in place that keep religion (the most divisive force in the history of the world) out of the public school systems. I personally think it's a good thing that a company like Disney insists on inclusion by saying "Happy Holidays".

I could easily take this argument in other directions too, as it extends to things like gay marriage...

How does a man getting married to another man (assuming they're getting married out of love, and not because one of them is knocked up... *cough* Sarah Palin *cough*) devalue the "institution" of marriage? Aside from the always logical answer "because it does", I don't see how. That is for another time.

In any case, I'm done for today. I've said nothing new, but I've ranted and raved a little and made my point to the people who already agree...so I got that goin' for me.

I hope this blog finds you all happy and healthy and full of holiday cheer. Whatever holiday you celebrate.

Vindicated... at least a little

You know how I ranted and raved about Bill Belichick's football decision earlier this week? Well... I was feeling really good about my opinion, and then I talked to Alan about it (a person whose opinion regarding football I respect). Alan said he liked the call!! I couldn't believe it. I didn't get a real chance to discuss/debate it with him as we were busy laying a big fat Trivia egg... (Did you know that indigo is the color from the spectrum that has largely been eliminated? I did.)

Anyway, I started questioning my conviction on the issue just a tad. I wondered if Alan was right, that Manning would have scored just as easily from 70 as he did from 30, so the Pats only chance was to keep the ball. Again... I didn't have a chance to delve, but I've since been rolling it around in my head and.... then I read THIS...SERIOUSLY... CLICK IT.

My boy Bill Simmons agrees with me, and since it's his job to think about and write about sports, he actually had the time to break that bitch down... It's a solid read. I know he's an admitted Boston homer, but I don't care. He's right, I'm right, and I feel much better about it.

A Bad, Bad Call

So listen... I don't get riled up by the NFL much. I love watching it. I love talking about it with my buddy Alan and my Dad.

This year has been no exception. My Saints are undefeated. The Bengals have made an excellent soon-to-be ex. (I'm standing by it, at least for now.... I figure the only loophole I have is that I compared my break with the Bengals to a divorce, and well... people are known to reconcile.... we'll see.)

Anyway, as I was saying, I rarely get riled up, but I have to chime in very briefly on Bill Belichick and the Colts vs. Patriots game that took place on Sunday night. First a couple of things right off the bat:

1) I hate the Colts. I hate them. Nothing makes me sicker than the Colts doing well. I honestly feel less hatred for the Steelers, Ravens, and Browns combined. I just hate them so much.

2) I like the Patriots. I don't buy into the cheating thing. I firmly believe that Tom Brady is an all-time great quarterback.

3) I hate Peyton Manning. I think he's the most overrated player I can recall, and that's saying something since I still concede at this point that he's one of the top 5 or so quarterbacks ever. That's how overrated the guy is. I think it goes back to when he was at Tennessee (at the absolute height of my Gator-love) and he was just slurped up and down and left and right...won nothing...and then the Volunteers won the national title the year after he left (with TEE MARTIN!!! HAHAHAHA). That was so, so delicious. Anyway, I could write a whole blog about why Manning is overrated and overhyped, but thats not what this is about... in fact, I'm feeling sick in anticipation of what I'm about to say.

Let me set the stage.

The Patriots are leading 34-28 with 2:06 to go. 4th down and 2 from their own 28 yard line. The Pats have already foolishly burned their timeouts.

What does Bill B. do? He fucking goes for it, and the play he draws up is designed to go about 3 yards. Kevin Faulk bobbles the ball as he's falling and it's ruled that by the time he'd actually secured the ball that he wasn't over the first down marker. The Pats can't challenge it because they have no timeouts left. The booth doesn't challenge it, because we're still outside of 2 minutes. So here's what I say...

If this same decision to "go for it" is made by any other head coach in the league, short of... well... I can't think of a single other coach... If it's anyone else, that coach is fired. I think I can easily say it's the worst call I've ever seen by a coach, period. I don't think I will ever understand it...

1) As much as I hate Peyton Manning (and I hate him a whole lot), I acknowledge that despite his general overratedness, he's still a top 5 quarterback ever. I hate that that's true, but it is. The fact of the matter is... Peyton Manning, when given 75 yards and 2 minutes to score a touchdown is scary enough. You should never, EVER give that son of a bitch more than you need to. 29 yards and 2 minutes to score a touchdown, you may as well just gift wrap it for him and suck him off. He had so much time they were running the ball into the line to make sure the Pats had less time with the ball after the inevitably scored.

2) You show NO confidence in your defense. I get that you like your offense, and that Brady is a guaranteed Hall of Famer. I get that you have so much disdain for the Colts that you can't even acknowledge they can beat you. I understand that, but for the love of GOD. If you don't trust your defense to stop Manning from 70 yards, how can you even pretend to claim you trust them to stop that mother fucker from spitting distance. GOD DAMNIT.

3) If you're going to make the call to go for it, which has no logical defense, at least make a play call that doesn't rely on the iffy hands and counting ability of Kevin God-Damned Faulk. You have Randy Moss and Wes Welker on the field, and I know that they were likely blanketed like they had their own personal Colts Snuggies, but still... maybe tell Fault to take another couple of steps. Why make it so close?

The worst part is... having seen the past 3 plays, I don't see how anyone thought that 2 yards was a gimme. There were 2 running plays to Lawrence Maroney that I thought were set-up to be flea-flickers they developed so awkwardly. (It's hard to explain, but it just seemed like Maroney stalled at the line on both attempts. Such a stall that I expected him to pitch it back to Brady.)

I just... I don't get it. It's a terrible call. I've been struggling to come up with a situation where this play is okay. I would struggle to justify this decision from this location on the field under almost any circumstance. If you took the absolute BEST Patriots team (the 2007 version who went one insane catch away from going undefeated) against the worst team I can think of... The Dick LeBeau Bengals of 2002... There's no chance you make that call if you're the Patriots. What I'm saying is if there's no single professional team (and if you know the 2002 Bengals, you know I'm using that phrase as technically as possible) there's still no NFL offense that you give that chance to. Not ever. Maybe 50 yards. That's what I've decided. If you have the ball at the 50... MAYBE then do you take that chance, but jesus.. what if Faulk gets stripped and Robert Mathis or whoever runs it back for a touchdown. What if Brady throws a pick? I don't see how you ever take the chance. You punt it away unless you may be able to pick up a game-icing field goal. No other time is it acceptable. Period.

When looking up the details of this blog, since the numbers are so important here, I came across dozens of people defending the "gutsy" call. Are you fucking joking? I know that Greg Easterbrook once wrote a column about how people punt too much. How the average play is 3 yards so coaches shouldn't be so quick to punt from 4th and short. I even agree. This situation doesn't apply. Be smart. Give the future HOFer a full field. Make it at least a Challenge. I don't care if your defense is the '85 Bears. You don't do it. Not ever.

I'm so mad about it, I realize I'm not making a ton of sense here, but it doesn't matter. I don't love being put in any position where I have to acknowledge that Peyton Manning is dangerous. So...FUCK YOU BILL BELICHICK.

I'm sure those pictures will be greeeeattt.

It's my nature to complain, as you've probably discovered. Even in the greatest experiences I'll have things with which I will take issue.

My trip to Disney World was fucking fabulous. Lovely lady at my side, great weather, generally light crowds. It was awesome. That said, I still have shit to bitch about. Allow me to list them.

Here they are, my Top 5 Biggest Complaints about Disney World, October 2009:

Most of these fall under the heading "There are other people here too, Douchebag."

1) Row-Hogs.
There are many, many attractions at Disney that are held in theater type environments. Monsters Inc, Little Mermaid, Mickey's Philharmagic, It's Tough to be a Bug just to name a few. Each and every one of them has been specifically designed to offer great views from every seat in the house. Disney has made a point to make sure that anyone waiting in line on a hot July day in Florida will think the wait was worth it when the show is over. So why... WHY do dozens of jerkfaces insist on stopping at the fucking middle of the row as they enter. They can hear the cast members asking them to move to the end of the row. They can see the throngs of people pushing forward. They force people to step past them and to climb over them or to just not get a seat because they refuse to follow this simple rule of society. They just pretend to not understand English. I'm serious. I'm not being xenophobic here. I've seen this happen. I mean... if you care that fucking much about where you're sitting, don't be the first person in the theater you fucking asshole.

2) Those chains aren't for my special child.
I saw this more on this trip than ever before, but there are loads of people who are willing to send their grubby little children sneaking under the chains or over the hedges or under the ropes in order to score that one precious photo that will show their kid as the gunner on some cannon (Pirates of the Caribbean) or that delightful snapshot of their kid swimming in the shrubs with Nemo or whatever else. I know this is sort of a grumpy-old-man thing to complain about, but that chain is there for a reason. Disney creates these ornate queue lines for more visually interesting waits, not so your gross little offspring can get the one special shot that will finally portray him or her as something other than the satan spawn they are. Plus, it holds up the fucking line.

Speaking of...

3) Y'all are just gonna have to wait. Junior's being cute.
Listen... I've taken pictures in a queue line before. There are some amazing things in those lines. But here's the thing. I've never stopped the goddamned line and made people wait while I took that picture. I saw people posing for multiple pictures at a time, blockading the queue line behind them to the point where at least 20 people could fit in the ever growing gap in front of them. It's one thing to take a picture, that happens, but let people pass you if that shot is so effing important. Don't block the whole line and hold everyone else up. Not cool.

2) Don't you hear me honking?
I've noticed this one many times before, but it seemed like it was way worse this time. I know there are some people in wheelchairs that really, actually need to be in wheelchairs. I know there are people who drive those scooters, who unlike George Costanza, really do need them. I have no issue with this. In fact, I have no issue with anyone riding those fuckers around. It looks kinda fun, actually to zip around from ride to ride on one of those things. I'm not here to complain about that. I'm here to complain that those people seem to have forgotten that there are other people trying to get from one place to another. I can recount at least 5 times when either I or the Tofu Muchacha was just walking along, minding our own business, going with the flow of traffic, and suddently we nearly bashed our shins on the back of one of those scooters, whose driver just decided to stop for literally no reason and look around. It was truly insane. The worst part was that after we stopped, regained our balance and stepped around them, they almost always would give these incredibly put-out looks like "How dare you continue walking in the walking area while I mindlessly stop and gaze spacily into the abyss."

1) This ain't Mardi Gras, so quit with the Flashing.
Many of Disney's best rides are called "dark rides". These are rides where visitors ride through on some sort of vehicle through a darkened space and the scenes are specially lit in some manner. They're all over the place. Peter Pan, small world, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Haunted Mansion, Pirates, Buzz Lightyear. Those are just the ones in Magic Kingdom. Well... for some dumbass reason, people feel the need to take flash photography on these rides. This is problematic and really fucking retarded. Problematic because it's totally disruptive to just about everyone else on the ride. Usually the dark rides are...you know... dark, so when someone takes a flash photo, it totally fucks with your eyesight. It's completely inconsiderate to the other people who want to enjoy the experience. It's fucking retarded because most of the rides are lit with black light, which is really cool for the purposes of the ride itself, because it allows for even greater darkness and really bright colors, but for flash photography it's... completely pointless. The flash overpowers all of the remaining light, and you end up with the shittiest pictures possible. I hate these people more than anything.

That's enough complaining. Tomorrow, I'll list my Top 3 Meals.

11 Days to Disney: All Work and No Play...

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

I knew from the very beginning of this blogging journey that I'd eventually come to the one day where I could no longer avoid discussing what is perhaps the most polarizing thing in all of The Disney Kingdom. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people, like me, like they are perpetually teetering in between.

It's definitely one of my favorite things about Disney, which is why it appears on this countdown, but paradoxically, it would almost certainly appear on a countdown of my least favorite things as well...

I'm talking, of course, about It's a Small World.

Saying the name alone stirs such strong feelings deep within me.

On the one hand, it's a true classic. Created for the 1964 Worlds Fair, it was one of Walt's final lasting contributions. It features an artistic design by one of the Disney company's most legendary talents, Mary Blair. It features a song so fucking catchy that EVERYONE knows it, written by the most prolific song writing duo in the company's history, the Sherman brothers.

Dee Anne? Loves it. So much, in fact, that I bought her an "It's a Small World" snow globe for Christmas one year and it still prominently displays in the dining room of their house. I would even venture to say that were she to get a tattoo, it would be in the Mary Blair style.

These are some of the reasons I'm torn.. I mean... I get how big of a mark it's left on the Disney Landscape. I get how big a mark it's left in the hearts of sooooo, soooo many. It's also 13 minutes of air-conditioned bliss on the hottest of Summer days.

All that said... It's pure evil. Simple as that. If you're not at least a little creeped out by the strange, happy dolls, you're not paying attention. If you're not chilled to the bone when your boat lurches to a stop and that song keeps playing and playing and playing and playing, and those dolls keep rocking and rocking and rocking and rocking... I'm worried for you.

I once was stuck on the ride for 15 solid minutes, in the final room (the death chamber, if you will) where all of the "children of the world" put on their ceremonial white garments and suddenly the garbled, melting pot of lyrics blends together into a terrifying cacophony of shrill, religious chanting. It was easily in the top 5 most upsetting experiences of my life. This occurred on my trip in December of 05, when I went by myself. I remember sitting there, thinking that at any moment my life would end, and the last thing I'd see would be one of those awful smiling doll faces grin its sickening grin as one of it's cronies began to eat my innards. I am currently working on a short story inspired by this experience.

I've often theorized that Disney doesn't punish their employees in the traditional manners, by docking their pay or cutting their hours. No no... I believe that in exchange for your bad behavior, you get placed for a full shift in the control tower of "It's a Small World" where you have to waive like the bibbling idiot you're becoming, essentially creating your own reality. I spent 25 minutes on the ride once, and I was certain that I would soon stab myself in the leg just to break up the monotony of the song repeating over and over. I can't imagine it for an entire 8 hour shift.

All I can say is that... It's an icon, and it's too memorable to keep off this list. I'm just not sure I love it (for it's history) or hate it (as you're supposed to hate pure, unadulterated evil.)

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: Only one nations name is actually spelled out in "it's a small world". What country is it?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

Lemony Odds, Firey Ends, and People Flipping the Bird

Hey Folks-

I've been so bogged down with all of the Disney blogging that I've sort of neglected all of the other goings-on in my life... so let me catch you up.

1) Last Monday (the 28th), I was invited to "break the fast" at my a family member's home. This is essentially the celebration of the end of Yom Kippur, which entails a ton of fasting and atonement and general teeth gnashing of all kinds. Yom Kippur is the most solemn, serious time of the year for Jews, and breaking the fast is like a great big sigh of relief that it's over.

For this occasion, I was asked to furnish a dessert, which is fortuitous considering all of the baking I've been doing lately. The best part is that they didn't even know about any of that.

Anyway, I'd been wanting to bake a cake for a while... something about decorating a cake seems very meditative for me. I don't know why. I decided on baking a Lemon Cake with Lemon Cream Cheese frosting and raspberries.

I was admittedly a little cranky while baking this, as I was in a bit of a rush for part of the day, having to drive up to Dayton during the actual baking process (a huge thanks goes to the Tofu Muchacha for wrangling the piping hot baked goods while I was gone) and then rushing to get it iced upon my return. Due to those factors, I didn't take my usual string of pictures, but I did manage to get one of the finished cake:
Not bad, I guess. The cakes had sort of a convex shape and when I flipped the top layer over in order to provide a flat surface to ice on top, it created a sort of hour-glass shape. It ended up requiring a ton of frosting to fill the big gaps in the middle, and it was tasty but kind of bulbous. In the future I'll definitely plane the rounded tops down to flatten it out a bit more. Not bad for a first trip though. The cake itself was also a bit dry, which I would have known if I'd read the recipe reviews. I want to make a really dense cake, but have it be moist. Anyone have suggestions or recipes?

2) This one can be filed away in the "Tofu Muchacha is Always Right" bin.

Monday, she and I went canoeing. I hadn't been in some time, and while I was a little nervous that it would be too cold to be in a little boat on a river, the weather was freaking gorgeous... so it was quite pleasant. I was also a little nervous that we'd tip over at some point, but we didn't. We did get wedged into some rocks at one point in the middle of some rapids (as rapid as they really could be...) and we had to get out and pull the canoe free slightly. The water was frigid, but that was no real hardship.

The biggest issue was the Sun.

Being a whitey white boy of Euro-Pasty heritage, I am no stranger to the dangers of the Sun. I've had more burns in my life than a That 70s Show marathon. The worst probably being on my bald, bald head that I got on a drive from Cincinnati to Hilton Head in a convertible. I should have known that the cool breeze wouldn't have protected me from the Suns evil rays, but I didn't, and I was thusly punished.

On this particular field trip down the river, I took precautions. I sprayed my head and neck and arms and face with that sports sunscreen, and thought I was good to go. When we got in the canoe, the Tofu Muchacha took one look at me in my sweatshirt and shorts and said "You wanna get your knees too?" and I was all... "Nah! I'm good."

Four hours and thirteen miles later and down river I started feeling like my knees were a little hot. ON the car ride back to town I had the AC blowing on them directly. By bed time, I couldn't sleep on my stomach because the contact with the mattress made me cry. By last night I couldn't sleep at all. It's like the constant creasing and walking and standing has been perceived as taunting the sunburn gods or something. It's really, really painful.

So let me just say in front of all of my thousands of readers... You were right T.M. You were right.

Now I just need to find me some fucking aloe.

3)Now it's time for a little venting....

What the fuck is the world coming to? Have people gone even more crazy than they already have been? I've had a couple of the most insane experiences on the road in the last couple of weeks, and I seriously don't get it. Let me lay it out for you....

Experience # 1: I was driving into downtown from the North and I had to get over twice in order to make my exit. It was crowded, but I had plenty of time. I signaled and started making my way over, and this gold car sped up to try to prevent me from getting in. Just to be clear, I wasn't pushing them out. There was plenty of room if everyone just maintained speed. But no... she sped up to try to cut me off. She failed, but sort of did that weaving thing that people do in auto races when they're drafting. Anyway, she got over again and I had to get over as well...so I signaled. And again, if she just maintained her speed we'd all be in the lanes we needed to be and everyone would be happy. This time, though, she sped up even more aggressively and she actually cut me off, preventing me from getting over. I ended up slowing down to let her pass completely (since she matched my speed initially after pulling up along side of me. Once I slowed down, she cut completely across my lane, and we actually crossed. So now I'm in the lane to her right and we come to the stop light at the exit. She actually stops 5 car lengths shy of the car in front of her so that we're stopped even at the exit. She rolls down her window and starts sreaming at me that I cut her off twice!

I would have tried to logic her up, but my pimp-hand was stayed by the Tofu Muchacha being in the car and reminding me that trying to logic-up a stone is a pointless task. In any case, it totally blows my mind that a person who was putting US in danger 2 times was so appalled that I would try to...you know... drive safely.

Experience # 2: This one happened on Monday. I was minding my own business on highway, and a dude on my left side cuts directly in front of me without signaling and then slows down. I sort of give him the "what the hell, dude?" hand signal, but didn't honk, and went on my way. I changed lanes to the left, and ended up directly on his left...I look over to see what the crazy person looks like and he's FLIPPING ME THE BIRD. Like... before he even knew I was looking over, his hand was up in the bird position. I couldn't believe it.

Another person who acted crazy and dangerous on the road, and then ATTACKED ME for you know... looking at them.

Tell me... What's happening in the world where these crazies have been released from the asylum and are roaming Cincinnati in shitty, late 90s automobiles?

Wait 'til Next Year

Hey Folks-
Welcome to "Thporths Thurthdayths"

I'm really not sure how to out and say this, so I'll just do it....

I hate Adam Dunn.

I know it's irrational, but I hate him. I think he's overrated. He's lazy. He's attrocious in the field. The worst base runner on the Reds. A clubhouse cancer. Oh.. I know he's loved by teammates, but he's also the worst possible role model for any young, promising player. Just ask his best friend Austin Kearns.

I know he's productive (mostly) at the plate. I know he walks a lot and scores runs. I get that. I don't care.

We're free. The great city-wide nightmare is over. And now... much as the citizens of San Francisco had to figure out how to rebuild after the earthquake, we as a city, as a baseball team have to figure out how to rebuild after Adam. For once, though, we have reason for hope.

Well, I am but a humble fan, but here are my suggestions...

-- As of Sunday evening, when the season ends, there are no guaranteed jobs for next year. None. I'm sure that Bronson Arroyo has a gig to get to somewhere in his beloved Boston, but he's gonna have to show up next Spring pitching like he has for the past 2 months. He's clearly a capable pitcher, but I question his desire to be here, and I don't want that on my team. Players should want to be here. Should TRY every time they go on the field. They have to know they're ALL replaceable.

What did playing the old, comfortable stand-bys get us? ZERO winning seasons since 2000. Ken Griffey Jr. is one of the greatest players ever, and I do think that it means something that he took less money to play here... well...that favor didn't matter once he stopped being a contributer (about... well... was he ever really?) Adam Dunn? Same thing... I have always driven Alan crazy about Dunn, because he insists that he's exactly what should be expected of him. That's fine and well and great, but I really think there's something about him that is a vacuum of desire. I recall, a couple of years ago, when Homer Bailey was still in low A ball, and Alan said he worried about Bailey because Homer said he'd rather go fishing than play baseball. I used to disagree that this was a problem. “A job is a job” I said. If you did your job, who cares if it's your passion... Well... I was wrong. Baseball is a mental game. Just ask Ted Williams. When a pitcher who doesn't care faces a batter who wants nothing more on Earth than to crack one up the middle... who's got a better chance in this game of millimeters? More than every strikeout drove me insane. More than every botched fly ball made me irate... The thing I hated most about Adam Dunn was that he knew he was safe and had a job every day no matter how he played, and he played just like that.

-- Jay Bruce, Joey Votto, Edinson Volquez, Johnny Cueto, Phillips... These guys are the future. Let them play evey day. Let them work out their kinks. Let them go through their growing pains. Let them bond through their shared traumas. Look at the Tampa Bay Rays. They lost 96 games last year, but they sent the same young team out there every day to take their lumps. This year, they're playoff bound. They're exciting. The 2003 Marlins were the same way. The 2002 Angels.

The best Reds team of the past 10 years was exactly the type of mix I'm looking for... A lot of young, hungry guys with talent (Aaron Boone, Sean Casey, Pokey Reese, Mike Cameron) mixed with a few strong veteran leaders (Barry Larkin, Greg Vaughn). I'm convinced that it's the only mix that can work for a team with a limited budget. The Yankees can afford to pick off all star players from other teams. The Mets will make at least one big free agent signing every year. The Reds can't. They need a little creativity, and I honestly believe that now that Griffey and Dunn are gone we've got a chance to see what can happen.

-- They may not be able to do it every year, but the Reds do need to get one big, really good free agent. If I had my way, it'd be either a shortstop or a third baseman. Sadly, it looks like both positions are pretty light this year coming up. The only guys I'd consider picking up at either position are David Eckstein (The lead-off guy we need) or Casey Blake... not really an improvement over Edwin (though... ideally, Edwin moves to first.) The other position we need is starting pitcher. I don't think the Reds have enough clout to pull a #1, but maaayyybe Ben Sheets could be affordable because of his injury history. I know it's a risk. Sabathia is out. Maybe bring back Dempster. I dunno...

The point is... the fans need a reason to be fired up from the start. The energy is always electric for opening day, but there's often a let down afterward, because...well... what's the point if there's no one new? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So... give us something new to look for.

Here's my ideal starting Lineup for opening day 2009

1) CF- Chris Dickerson. I like him. He's not going to be as great as he's been since they brought him up, but he's the fastest guy on the team. He doesn't swing at the first pitch. He gets on base. The closest thing we may have to a lead-off guy...at least for now.

2) 2B- Jerry Hairston Jr.. I'm not convinced that he's durable enough to be here permanently, but he's proven to be a spark plug for this team. He gives effort like Ryan Freel. Unlike Ryan Freel, he's got actual ability to back it up.

3) RF- Jay Bruce. The guy is the logical choice for the glamor spot in the order. He's the new star.

4) 1B- Edwin Encarnacion. Has 35 homer power. Has never consistently had men on base in front of him. I am convinced that he's the biggest head case on the team, and by moving him to first will greatly reduce that inevitable connection between his mental errors in the field psyching him out at the plate.

5) LF- Joey Votto. Yep. I moved Joey to left. In this spot in the order he protects Edwin. He hits for average. He's got experience playing the outfield from the minors. He's quickly becoming my favorite Red.

6) SS- Brandon Phillips. He's bound to have some struggles at the plate as he adjusts to playing shortstop again. That's okay... He's going to win his first Gold Glove at 2nd this year. It'll look great next to his 5 or so from Short that he'll have when he retires. Plus, with Joey Votto and Edwin hitting doubles left and right in front of him, Phillips may not try to do as much as he does hitting in the 4 spot. He can be a consistent 25/30 guy.

7) 3B- Casey Blake? A good fit for this team's new profile, and maybe the best 7 hitter in the NL.

8) C- Ryan Hannigan. A space-filler for 2 more years while Devin Meseoraco works his way up. I'm okay with that. I like Hannigan well enough.

9) SP: Edinson Volquez. Don't get me wrong, I like Aaron Harang, and I don't think his issues this year have all been his. He's consistently the most tough-luck pitcher on the team. Still..he's getting older and Volquez has earned his stature as the number one. I'm all for giving him the ball on opening day.

So... hopefully things this past month have been a harbinger and not a mirage. I like the Reds right now. I'll always love them, but it's been a while since I've liked them. Even Dusty isn't bugging me right now.

Wait til next year.