It's Lin-Mazing! No..wait...

I think we can all agree. This is the best kind of word play.

What? Nobody likes a good pun anymore?

If you’re a sports fan, you’ve definitely heard of Jeremy Lin. The first Asian-American player in the NBA… or at least the first one anyone ever heard of… and nobody’d even heard of him a month ago.

That’s when Lin burst onto the scene, playing exceptionally well for an exceptionally disappointing New York Knicks team, and making the city of New York excited about something for once. (You know… aside from the perpetual contention of the Yankees, and the new Super Bowl champion Giants).

Good lord do people fucking love this Jeremy Lin character. And for whatever reason, they love him in the most twee way possible. It’s like a non-stop contest to see who can come up with the best play on words using his last name.

“All I do is Lin Lin Lin”

“Linderella Story”

“It’s Lin-Credible”

“Lin-spiring Story”

And of course, the most pervasive nonsense since Tebow-mania swept the country two whole months ago:

“Lin-Sanity”

Now, look… I love a pun as much as the next guy, but it’s getting a little out of hand with Jeremy Lin. People are looking to wedge as clever a pun as possible into every story, and sign, and t-shirt, and headline.

Whenever something like this happens in the media (the story, not the puns), the natural progression dictates that sooner or later someone will go too far.

After the Knicks suffered their first loss of the Jeremy Lin era, a loss where Lin had a subpar game (his first), the ESPN Headline read:

“Chink in the Armor”

That’s right. ESPN actually made a Chinese racial slur in an article about a Chinese athlete.

It’s kind of amazing that it got through at all, but the guy who wrote the headline (since fired) said he didn’t even think about it. That it was meant to be an innocent headline. And in fact, that’s at least vaguely plausible.  My buddy Alan mentioned having seen the headline, it not registering one way or the other, and moving on to a more interesting story.

Alan didn’t immediately look at it and gasp and say “Oh no he di’nt”, because in this case, the word “chink” has multiple meanings, and there’s literally only one context it would have been considered offensive. If you’re not geared to look for the epithet there, it’s very possible it just doesn’t register.

Of course, nobody believes that it was accidental. The writer rolled the dice that it would sneak by, because it was clever, and word play is apparently so fucking popular now. And make no mistake. It was clever. And as Aziz Ansari pointed out on Twitter, there is something kind of hardcore about the guy finding literally the WORST slur and making it a headline on ESPN.  I actually sort of wonder if the constant pun making has made some people feel like they have a little additional license to be loose with the language.

I was once accused by a guy I worked with of playing “Mental Chess”, because he thought I would say things that could be taken innocently or not, depending on the audience, and that I relished living in that zone. I can’t say he was altogether wrong. It sure seems to be where the ESPN writer is trying to reside. The only problem is that he’s a professional writer. He should have been fired even if it wasn’t intentional, because his job is to be a master of the language.

The situation leads me to a lot of questions…

Like… what if, instead of having a bad game, Lin had a great game. What if the headline was “Lin Finds Chink in Hornets Armor”? Would the guy have been fired then?

If Jeremy Lin was a black player, you could never call his fans the “Lin Mob” or tout a huge performance by saying “Jeremy Lin-ches the Heat”. No matter how positive the intent, the meaning of the words is too negative, but… If he were a black guy playing in a sport dominated by black athletes, the line gets a little further away

What if Michael Jordan  had a great defensive performance against Phoenix… Could you write “Jordan Blacks Out the Suns”?  Arguably yes, because Jordan being black isn’t the first thing anyone mentions. Race is barely part of the discussion.

When Justin Tuck, a black defensive end for the New York Giants hounded Tom Brady for the entirety of the Super Bowl,  could you write “Justin Tuck Spooks Brady”? It’s a little more obscure, sure, but as a slur it’s just as bad as “chink”… but I imagine that gets printed, without a problem, and without incident.  Again… Justin Tuck being black isn’t part of the discussion. The last time I looked, the NFL was comprised of about 70% black players.

It’s when someone does something unexpected that race comes into play, and the ice gets thinner.

Asians aren’t exactly known for being great NBA players, so his race becomes part of the conversation.  

Serena Williams should historically be known as a great tennis champion, but more likely she’s historically going to be known as the greatest black tennis champion. When she handily beat Lindsey Davenport 500 times, the headline every time could be “Serena Gives Lindsey a Whipping”, but I wonder if the opposite would have been acceptable. Can a white tennis player (the majority) be said to have whipped a black one?

Of course, these divisions still exist in small part because the parties all want them to. Sandy Koufax is often known as the greatest Jewish baseball player, and even though he hasn’t thrown a pitch in almost 50 years, every baseball loving Jew in America knows Sandy Koufax. They’re proud of him as being a shining representative of their people. Even still.. If, after his perfect game against the Cubs, the following headline appeared, I imagine there would have been big problems:

“Sandy Koufax Jews Down Cubs”

Can you imagine the uproar? It could be argued even that it’s a compliment. Like… Sandy Koufax implemented the talents of his race to mow down the cubs.

I wonder if it’s one of those things where if you’re on the inside, it’s okay to say…

Personally, though.. I don’t think it’s offensive because being called a Jew is supposedly offensive. I don’t think it’s offensive because Jeremy Lin’s people have traditionally been called Chinks derogatorily.

I think it’s offensive, because doesn’t it marginalize what Jeremy Lin is doing? Floyd Mayweather decided to chime in on the discussion and said something like “If Jeremy Lin was black, people wouldn’t be going so nuts about it”. Sadly… he’s probably right. At least partly.

(I especially hate it when Floyd Mayweather is right, because he’s just about the worst, and there’s even some other ickier parts to this particular situation since he spends most of his time on twitter trying to bait an Asian guy into fighting him…. But I digress.)

He’s right, because it wouldn’t be the sensational story it is. There likely wouldn’t be puns and the fervor.

What he’s wrong about is that the insanity doesn’t make Jeremy Lin a better basketball player. What he’s doing between the lines has nothing to do with his race. He’s just dominating compared to any standard. His performance would be remarkable if he was black, or white or whatever else.

So anyway ESPN took it to that place, and thus fucked themselves over, because they missed the mark. The better story isn’t that he’s Asian, so calling him Jeremy “The Asian Sensation” Lin is also sort of missing the mark . The story is that Jeremy Lin is playing like a fucking badass and nobody knew about the guy a month ago. That’s a story.

The goal, I believe, is to minimize race as a descriptor in any way. If people were all enlightened beings, words would just go back to being words. Chink would just be a dent or blemish. Fag would just be an English word for cigarette.

Of course.. There’s one other part to the story, and here’s where I’m certain to get myself into trouble.

Isn’t the point of all these puns to make people laugh? It’s FUN to be clever and witty and whatnot, and I think that occasionally you cross some lines for the sake of a joke.

Daniel Tosh says more offensive things literally every day. So does David Cross. Richard Pryor did too. So in a lot of ways the platform makes all the difference. If I call myself a comedian I can get away with a lot more than I can if I call myself a columnist. Just look at Jon Stewart, right?

Anyway, since I am equal opportunity, and I have this sort of desire to offend people, I’ve come up with some other potentially offensive headlines (I had a good time coming up with my examples I used earlier, so I may as well make it way worse, right?)

Alan and I have enjoyed making up vaguely ethnic alliterative nicknames for baseball players of Jewish or Canadian descent. We like these, because really those are the last 2 frontiers in terms of baseball ethnicity, and literally every time a player from one of those groups excels, his heritage is mentioned.

Here are some of my favorites…

For Jewish Baseball Players:
- The Joltin’ Jew
- The Hebrew Hammer
- The Levite Leviathan

For Jewish baseball players accused of steroid use:
- The Juicin’ Jew
- The Pharmaceutical Pharisee (Alan’s creation…and my favorite)

For Canadian baseball players:
- The Clubbin’ Canuck
- The Mashing Maple Leaf
- The Splinterin Saskatchewanian

BUH-DUM CHH!

Ramblings of the Night Shift

Friends! I have returned.

I apologize for the long absence, but I’ve recently changed companies, and I’ve spent the past month training and preparing to be a full time “Third Shifter”.

You all may think I’m a little crazy, but it’s definitely a change for the better. I loved my old company in a lot of ways, but the time commitment was getting to be too much, and too much of a strain. This may be an overnight shift, but the time outside of work is so much less that I just had to take the opportunity.

Not to worry, though… You, my wonderful readers, have been in my thoughts. Now that I’m all adjusted and whatnot, I’ve thought of a new feature for the ol’ blog. I call it “Ramblings of the Night Shift”.

These will be my mostly unedited, free flowing thoughts that I have as I experience the permanent jet lag of working from 10pm to 8am for days at a time each week. Don’t expect the longer form type stuff I generally write, though those will hopefully come around as well. These will be shorter and probably incongruous. So… ENJOY!

Ramblings 1

What kind of moron does Jerome Simpson have to be? The guy FINALLY gets his chance to be a starter, and potentially a big-time producer for an NFL team. The guy has got to be making 500K a year if he’s making a fucking dollar, and he’s moonlighting as a fucking pot donkey. The guy had SIX POUNDS of pot in his condo. The Bengals have drafted some real idiots in the past, but if these things turn out to be true, he’s definitely the dumbest one. That’s right up there with Donald Little torturing his roommate with a hot coat hangar, or Art Long punching a horse… I’m troubled that the only really dumb crimes I can come up with were perpetrated by UC Basketball players…

I’m starting to worry about how I’m going to use the bathroom. Not like… in general, but at work. I’m the only person here, and part of my performance is charted by how many phone calls I miss during a shift. The phone isn’t going to ring off the hook or anything, but that makes missing a call even worse. I’m not totally sure I can go 10 hours while also eating my scheduled small and nutritious snacks (as advised by the TM) and my scheduled lunch. Plus I have to stay hydrated. I’m actually starting to have a little mini panic about it. I like going to the bathroom. I don’t like holding it.

The Charlie Sheen Roast is playing behind me in another department. Charlie Sheen is a total lunatic. Not in the funny way. I am glad the fervor faded at least a little since the total blow-up over the winter. What a mess that was. Anyway, I’m getting distracted… I don’t understand why the roasters always pick on each other more than they pick on the roastee. It seems kinda dumb. There was a pretty funny guy named Anthony Jeselnik. Nobody knows who the hell he is, but he was fucking hilarious. I will be looking up more of him. (Apparently he was named one of the top up and coming comics of 2009… like anyone keeps track of that bullshit).

I wish I could Cook like these Crazy-Ass People

As I always seem to do when I can't figure out what to blog about, I'm going to blog about my favorite television shows...

This is the Top Chef Edition

I have never been an enormous fan of reality TV, but I've occasionally been sucked into a season or another of some show... I especially enjoy competitive reality shows.

I used to love American Idol, but Adam Lambert ruined it for me. I'm fairly certain that he can never be topped, so I just decided to stop watching.

Survivor was a staple for years, but it became too meta for me. When people are referencing the strategies of former competitors, and former competitors are referencing themselves because they've been brought back or whatever. It's just got too dumb.

I've started gravitating toward the competitive shows that don't rely on strategy... The ones that are taken one episode at a time. Basically, I don't care about personality for personality's sake. I like having people to root for, but I want them to win because they are good at something or another, not good at plotting and scheming.

So my current favorite reality show is Top Chef.

I fucking love Top Chef. It's the only reality show that's been a staple of my TV watching for the last few years. Top Chef combines a perfect combination of people who have a skill I wish I had time to develop, interesting challenges, and contestants with just enough arrogance that I find them entertaining.

The current season is "All Stars", and I think All Star seasons kick ass. There's no catch-up time to learn about the people, and in these kinds of shows, there's at least a small expectation of heightened quality... I mean the people all lasted long enough in their respective seasons to become "All Star" worthy. Richard Blais is among my 5 favorite reality show characters ever. He's super cocky, but also seems to have a bit of self awareness and the ability to be amused by things. He's got serious skills. If he doesn't win, I'm fairly certain the show is a sham. He should have won his first time around. (And yet, oddly, the winner of his season, Stephanie, was also pretty deserving. Hence, the beauty of Top Chef).

The original Top Chef is excellent indeed, but not by any means the only good version.

Top Chef Masters has the same qualities as the regular version, but is enhanced by the established success and virtuosity of the contestants. It's amazing to watch incredibly talented, successful people break the hell down under the pressure of television. There's a special thrill in watching these chefs, who are usually older and occasionally know each other from out in the real world (at least by reputation) throw down against each other in challenges similar to those many of them have judged as guest judges on Top Chef (regular edition). Also, as opposed to some Top Chef winners (Ilan Hall, Hosea Rosenberg) who not only seem just barely good enough to win, but dropped off the face of the Earth after, each and every contestant on Masters a legend. If I want to eat some Rick Bayless food, it's not a matter of figuring out where the hell Rick Bayless is, but deciding which of the Bayless restaurants to check out.

Oh.. and then there's the absolutely, utterly delightful Top Chef: Just Desserts.

It's un-fucking-believable. I admit that at least a portion of my enjoyment here has nothing to do with the actual challenges. As far as I'm concerned, there's a limit to exactly how interesting high end pastry can be. It's harder to imagine the flavors than it is with regular food. The most interesting desserts (in my opinion) are the baked goods that all of these pastry chefs look down upon (like cookies, cake, and pie).

But the crazy? The crazy is oh-so-delicious. The thing I learned about pastry chefs is that they are all either insane misogynists, insane bitches, insane mama's boys, or just insane. I don't know what it is, exactly, about pastry that turns people into raving, bitchy, horrid human beings who don't seem that they'd be able to function in society otherwise, but damn... they make good TV.

I can't really describe it all in words, so here...



Okay... So I realize you don't really get even the remotest taste of it... just the very beginning, and I have searched and searched for the rest to no avail, but I can tell you that it included him screaming the words 'I did it for my mommy!" and clutching the guest judge.

I think my favorite thing about this is that it happened in the 2nd episode... Not after weeks of pressure building up. This guy was insane going in. And not just kind of wacky, but rather absurdly, amazingly absolutely fucking insane.

That's good television.

So what's the difference between the insanity of this guy and some crazy person on Big Brother or Jersey Shore? (I assume... I watched one season of Big Brother, and one episode of Jersey Shore). The crazy people on those shows are cast because they're crazy people. The crazy people on Top Chef: Just Desserts are only crazy incidentally. They're actually really talented people, who were cast because they can make some damned good chocolates. The crazy is just a bonus.

So watch Top Chef. It's awesome.

When the Dumbasses go Marching In

Okay... So the Saints won the Super Bowl. It's pretty much the best thing that's happened to me in regards to sports in well... just about ever. That and the Reds winning the 'Series in '90. That's not what I'm blogging about tonight, though.

So here I am at 11 at night, sitting on the couch, enjoying the post-Super Bowl glow for the first time in my life, and what comes next?

BANG BANG BANG

I jump a little. I turn and look through the windows at the very top of the front door. I can see the screen door slightly opening and closing. Look... call me a pussy, but any time there's a loud banging on the door at an odd hour, it makes me nervous. I've seen too many episodes of Criminal Minds, maybe, because I'm not too keen on home invasions and whatnot. Anyway, I don't get up right away. I figure if I don't answer, they'll go away.

They do not.

BANG BANG BANG

So now, I'm irritated and also vaguely terrified, because while I know SOMEONE is there, I have no idea WHO since I can't see them through the door.

I get up and walk around the couch to the door. I peek out the windows at the top, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 3 pre-teen dumb-asses with snow shovels.

My fear assuaged completely, and my ire raised more than anything, I unlock the door and the following exchange unfolds:

Them: Can we shovel your driveway for twenty dollars?

Me: Guys, what are you doing? It's eleven o'clock at night.

Them: No it isn't.

Me: Um... yeah it is. You've gotta go.

Them: It's eleven?

Me: Yeah. It's time for you to go.

Them: On the dot?

Me: (Pause) (Pause)... Does it matter?

Them: Yeah

Me: No. You have to go now. Go on.

Them: (As they walk away) We're just trying to make some money dude. Damn

Me: (Closing Door)

At this point I'm just completely blown away, but the next thing that crosses my mind is that they were making a direct line for my car, and I really start hoping they leave it alone. I still haven't been out there, so it's very possible that my car has been ransacked and the tires have been slashed.

I take some comfort in the knowledge that these 3 are probably too stupid to put two and two together and figure out that the car in the driveway is connected to the dude in the house.

I'm going to end the story there. Sometimes the rant writes itself.

Hole-y Crap

Hey Folks--

It is now my new mission to see a full episode of the new Fox game show "Hole in the Wall".

Once I have, I promise a full report.

Just so you all know.