Something about Lolo

I don't know if you've been following the Olympics, but if you have, you likely know of Lolo Jones.

There are probably at least a couple of things you know:

1) Lolo Jones is very, very attractive.
2) Lolo Jones didn't win a medal.

There are probably at least a couple of things you've heard:

1) Lolo Jones is a product of the USA Marketing Machine.
2) Lolo Jones is not a very good hurdler.

The things you know are 100% true. Lolo is extremely attractive. Like... crazy good looking. She's in phenomenal shape, and she's pretty too. She also didn't win a medal for the second Olympics in a row. The first time she was leading with one hurdle to go, and she fell. The second time she ran cleanly but was beaten and came in fourth.

The things you've heard are another story.

It's probably true, at least to some degree, that Lolo has enjoyed a distinct level of fame reserved for exceptionally pretty athletes in glamor athletic events. If I'm thinking about marketing US Olympians to the American people, I'd probably see her and think about featuring her as well. This is, decidedly, not her fault, and not her issue. If McDonalds wants to pay me to be in their ads, I'm taking their money too.

What isn't true in the very least is that she's not a very good hurdler.

If you're making that statement as a simple reaction to her lack of a win, that's an insane exaggeration. This isn't Highlander. There can be more than one very good, world class, hurdler. Not only does it disrespect her, but it disrespects her opponents as well. Just because she wasn't the best on this particular day, or even if she's never been the absolute best, to say that she's not any good is patently insane and stupid.

Factually, it's also just wrong. She's a multiple time indoor track champion. She runs the 100 Meter Hurdles in under 13 seconds regularly, and the 100 meter dash in under 12. That's really fucking fast.

Just because there are women who are faster (the total number of which could be counted on 3 fingers) doesn't mean that her skills or her abilities are less impressive.

The frustration comes, I believe, out of the fact that someone along the way decided to bring her to our collective attention as a superstar, and for the most part those people usually are superstars. The fact that she is merely exceptional and not the best has seemingly turned the media, and in turn many people who aren't paying attention or thinking about her actual achievements, against her.

Let me be clear on this point... That is NOT on her. That's on us. That's on the media. It's not her responsibility to "live up to" the hype. She may not have discouraged the hype, but what track athlete would? Track stars are, by nature, insanely confident. Personally, I think it's a shame that we, as a culture, feel the need first create stars, and then tear them down if they don't entertain us the way we want.

Lolo Jones is the 4th fastest hurdler in the world. That's pretty fucking amazing.

While we're talking about how fucked up our world is (with the Olympics as the looking glass), let's talk for a minute about Gabby Douglas.

Again, I assume that if you've been watching the Olympics, you know who Gabby Douglas is... For those of you needing a reminder, she's a 16 year old girl who also happened to have won the women's gymnastics all-around gold medal.

This Gabby Douglas has now been criticized by 2 groups within the American people (at least) that I'm aware of...

I saw her criticized on Fox News (...) because during the individual all-around competition she wore a pink outfit as opposed to something representing America. She was essentially accused of having some sort of American self-loathing, or something. Or that she was embarrassed to be an exceptional American, so she subconsciously wore "unAmerican colors".

This?? Is total, fucking, bullshit. It is. It's just sitting there LOOKING for something to criticize. Last I checked, nobody was unsure of where she came from, and she stood and held her hand over her heart during the National Anthem. The fact that she wore pink doesn't make her a commie. In fact, I'm fairly sure commies hate pink. . Nastia Liukin, the actual Russan-born American, won the 2008 all-around gold wearing... PINK. Did anyone mention this? I don't know why people are looking for reasons to criticize this amazing teenager.

The other point of criticism came from a much more disappointing place.

Gabby Douglas has been criticized in the black community, because she didn't fix her hair "black enough". Oh... did I forget to mention that Gabby Douglas is black? Instead of being proud of her a a teenager who won a gold medal for her country, people can't leave the poor girl alone. I don't want to get into the history of black women's hair in the US. I don't much care. I don't care if she shaved her head. I don't care if she wore braids. I don't care if she added a weave. I don't care if she straightened it. It's 100% irrelevant. She's an exceptional athlete, who seems to handle herself in an exceptional manner, and her hair is totally fucking beside the point.

I am so sad that we have a girl who can potentially serve as a role model for Americans everywhere. Boys, girls. Anyone. She's a teenager who can be held up as a success as opposed to being famous for being on some horrible MTV show.

I'm offended that we're not celebrating her success more.

This isn't my last blog about the Olympics. Over on Facebook, I made the statement that Michael Phelps is clearly the greatest Olympian ever, and while many people agreed, other people vehemently disagreed. Or at least felt like it was a fun debate (It totally is!), so....

Over the next couple of days I'm going to formulate my own little greatest Olympian tournament, and we'll break it down. I hope that I can be open enough to not crown Phelps automatically.

It's Lin-Mazing! No..wait...

I think we can all agree. This is the best kind of word play.

What? Nobody likes a good pun anymore?

If you’re a sports fan, you’ve definitely heard of Jeremy Lin. The first Asian-American player in the NBA… or at least the first one anyone ever heard of… and nobody’d even heard of him a month ago.

That’s when Lin burst onto the scene, playing exceptionally well for an exceptionally disappointing New York Knicks team, and making the city of New York excited about something for once. (You know… aside from the perpetual contention of the Yankees, and the new Super Bowl champion Giants).

Good lord do people fucking love this Jeremy Lin character. And for whatever reason, they love him in the most twee way possible. It’s like a non-stop contest to see who can come up with the best play on words using his last name.

“All I do is Lin Lin Lin”

“Linderella Story”

“It’s Lin-Credible”

“Lin-spiring Story”

And of course, the most pervasive nonsense since Tebow-mania swept the country two whole months ago:

“Lin-Sanity”

Now, look… I love a pun as much as the next guy, but it’s getting a little out of hand with Jeremy Lin. People are looking to wedge as clever a pun as possible into every story, and sign, and t-shirt, and headline.

Whenever something like this happens in the media (the story, not the puns), the natural progression dictates that sooner or later someone will go too far.

After the Knicks suffered their first loss of the Jeremy Lin era, a loss where Lin had a subpar game (his first), the ESPN Headline read:

“Chink in the Armor”

That’s right. ESPN actually made a Chinese racial slur in an article about a Chinese athlete.

It’s kind of amazing that it got through at all, but the guy who wrote the headline (since fired) said he didn’t even think about it. That it was meant to be an innocent headline. And in fact, that’s at least vaguely plausible.  My buddy Alan mentioned having seen the headline, it not registering one way or the other, and moving on to a more interesting story.

Alan didn’t immediately look at it and gasp and say “Oh no he di’nt”, because in this case, the word “chink” has multiple meanings, and there’s literally only one context it would have been considered offensive. If you’re not geared to look for the epithet there, it’s very possible it just doesn’t register.

Of course, nobody believes that it was accidental. The writer rolled the dice that it would sneak by, because it was clever, and word play is apparently so fucking popular now. And make no mistake. It was clever. And as Aziz Ansari pointed out on Twitter, there is something kind of hardcore about the guy finding literally the WORST slur and making it a headline on ESPN.  I actually sort of wonder if the constant pun making has made some people feel like they have a little additional license to be loose with the language.

I was once accused by a guy I worked with of playing “Mental Chess”, because he thought I would say things that could be taken innocently or not, depending on the audience, and that I relished living in that zone. I can’t say he was altogether wrong. It sure seems to be where the ESPN writer is trying to reside. The only problem is that he’s a professional writer. He should have been fired even if it wasn’t intentional, because his job is to be a master of the language.

The situation leads me to a lot of questions…

Like… what if, instead of having a bad game, Lin had a great game. What if the headline was “Lin Finds Chink in Hornets Armor”? Would the guy have been fired then?

If Jeremy Lin was a black player, you could never call his fans the “Lin Mob” or tout a huge performance by saying “Jeremy Lin-ches the Heat”. No matter how positive the intent, the meaning of the words is too negative, but… If he were a black guy playing in a sport dominated by black athletes, the line gets a little further away

What if Michael Jordan  had a great defensive performance against Phoenix… Could you write “Jordan Blacks Out the Suns”?  Arguably yes, because Jordan being black isn’t the first thing anyone mentions. Race is barely part of the discussion.

When Justin Tuck, a black defensive end for the New York Giants hounded Tom Brady for the entirety of the Super Bowl,  could you write “Justin Tuck Spooks Brady”? It’s a little more obscure, sure, but as a slur it’s just as bad as “chink”… but I imagine that gets printed, without a problem, and without incident.  Again… Justin Tuck being black isn’t part of the discussion. The last time I looked, the NFL was comprised of about 70% black players.

It’s when someone does something unexpected that race comes into play, and the ice gets thinner.

Asians aren’t exactly known for being great NBA players, so his race becomes part of the conversation.  

Serena Williams should historically be known as a great tennis champion, but more likely she’s historically going to be known as the greatest black tennis champion. When she handily beat Lindsey Davenport 500 times, the headline every time could be “Serena Gives Lindsey a Whipping”, but I wonder if the opposite would have been acceptable. Can a white tennis player (the majority) be said to have whipped a black one?

Of course, these divisions still exist in small part because the parties all want them to. Sandy Koufax is often known as the greatest Jewish baseball player, and even though he hasn’t thrown a pitch in almost 50 years, every baseball loving Jew in America knows Sandy Koufax. They’re proud of him as being a shining representative of their people. Even still.. If, after his perfect game against the Cubs, the following headline appeared, I imagine there would have been big problems:

“Sandy Koufax Jews Down Cubs”

Can you imagine the uproar? It could be argued even that it’s a compliment. Like… Sandy Koufax implemented the talents of his race to mow down the cubs.

I wonder if it’s one of those things where if you’re on the inside, it’s okay to say…

Personally, though.. I don’t think it’s offensive because being called a Jew is supposedly offensive. I don’t think it’s offensive because Jeremy Lin’s people have traditionally been called Chinks derogatorily.

I think it’s offensive, because doesn’t it marginalize what Jeremy Lin is doing? Floyd Mayweather decided to chime in on the discussion and said something like “If Jeremy Lin was black, people wouldn’t be going so nuts about it”. Sadly… he’s probably right. At least partly.

(I especially hate it when Floyd Mayweather is right, because he’s just about the worst, and there’s even some other ickier parts to this particular situation since he spends most of his time on twitter trying to bait an Asian guy into fighting him…. But I digress.)

He’s right, because it wouldn’t be the sensational story it is. There likely wouldn’t be puns and the fervor.

What he’s wrong about is that the insanity doesn’t make Jeremy Lin a better basketball player. What he’s doing between the lines has nothing to do with his race. He’s just dominating compared to any standard. His performance would be remarkable if he was black, or white or whatever else.

So anyway ESPN took it to that place, and thus fucked themselves over, because they missed the mark. The better story isn’t that he’s Asian, so calling him Jeremy “The Asian Sensation” Lin is also sort of missing the mark . The story is that Jeremy Lin is playing like a fucking badass and nobody knew about the guy a month ago. That’s a story.

The goal, I believe, is to minimize race as a descriptor in any way. If people were all enlightened beings, words would just go back to being words. Chink would just be a dent or blemish. Fag would just be an English word for cigarette.

Of course.. There’s one other part to the story, and here’s where I’m certain to get myself into trouble.

Isn’t the point of all these puns to make people laugh? It’s FUN to be clever and witty and whatnot, and I think that occasionally you cross some lines for the sake of a joke.

Daniel Tosh says more offensive things literally every day. So does David Cross. Richard Pryor did too. So in a lot of ways the platform makes all the difference. If I call myself a comedian I can get away with a lot more than I can if I call myself a columnist. Just look at Jon Stewart, right?

Anyway, since I am equal opportunity, and I have this sort of desire to offend people, I’ve come up with some other potentially offensive headlines (I had a good time coming up with my examples I used earlier, so I may as well make it way worse, right?)

Alan and I have enjoyed making up vaguely ethnic alliterative nicknames for baseball players of Jewish or Canadian descent. We like these, because really those are the last 2 frontiers in terms of baseball ethnicity, and literally every time a player from one of those groups excels, his heritage is mentioned.

Here are some of my favorites…

For Jewish Baseball Players:
- The Joltin’ Jew
- The Hebrew Hammer
- The Levite Leviathan

For Jewish baseball players accused of steroid use:
- The Juicin’ Jew
- The Pharmaceutical Pharisee (Alan’s creation…and my favorite)

For Canadian baseball players:
- The Clubbin’ Canuck
- The Mashing Maple Leaf
- The Splinterin Saskatchewanian

BUH-DUM CHH!

Lasers and the War of Northern Aggression

A couple weeks ago, the Tofu Muchacha had a "work thing" in Atlanta which ended on a Thursday. For whatever reason, we both concluded that this was a good opportunity for me to take a couple of days off and join her in the hot, muggy South for a few days of exploration.

I'd say that aside from likely permanant crippling at the hands of Raccoon Mountain, it was a delightful time full of beautiful scenery (you know all those signs as you're driving South on I-75 through Tennessee that say "See Rock City"? Well... you really should. It's pretty beautiful... in fact, oh... what the heck:
Cool, huh?

Anyway, we spent some time in Chattanooga, and then headed back South toward Atlanta with a slight veer to the East and stopped at Stone Mountain. It's hard to explain Stone Mountain, really...

On the one hand, it's this kind of amazing natural landmark. It's this giant-ass rock, really. Which doesn't sound all that interesting, but believe me.... Go stand next to an 850 foot rock some time, and tell me that shit doesn't blow your mind. It's FIVE MILES around. There's also this kind of incredible complex of trails and campgrounds and man-made lakes. There's the quarry where all of this awesome granite was... um... quarried for decades. It's really a beautiful place.

We get there, and we see also that you can ride this gondola up to the top of the giant rock (by "gondola" I mean this big almost train-car sized box that can accommodate probably close to 40 people at once.

So... We're riding the first car of the day up to the top, and over to the right side of the car (facing the mountain) is this HUGE relief sculpture carved into the side of the rock. I don't want to exaggerate this, but it's fucking big. And to myself I'm thinking "Weird... why do they have this sculpture of conquistadors carved into this mountain in Georgia."

My mental question was quickly answered, though, as the "Conductor" started his bit giving out info and trivial tidbits about things, and he says:

"Folks, if you'll look over, you'll get a great view of Civil War Heroes Robert E. Lee, Jefferson David, and Stonewall Jackson."

WHHHAAAAAA???

That's right. I unwittingly found myself at the fucking Confederate Mt. Rushmore. (Alternatively called "The Redneck Mt. Rushmore")
So yeah.. this is the view from the gondola, and there's the fucking "conquistators" who ended up being just this grand monument to racism and war.

Just fucking great.

So, you know... the rest of my day was sort of clouded by this odd realization that all of this money, and all of this energy was put toward the glorification of the wrong side of the Civil War. The place has a "Confederate Memorial Hall", for Dog's sake. Did you know this was the most visited single attraction in Georgia?

On the one hand, I get it.. you've got this incredible place that features views like this:

On the other hand, if you look closely at that picture, you'll see this long lawn area and a really beautiful old building there at the end of it? That's the fucking confederate hall. It's like they reel you in with this amazing place, and then they remind you how the whole thing is all about how bummed everyone is that there ain't no slaves no more.

The worst part... well... one of the worst parts is how popular the place seems to be among minorities. It was so eerie! One of the most racist, horrible places I've ever been was also one of the most diverse.

You'll ask me.. "How can it be all bad if there are so many minorities enjoying the place?"

I thought about this for a long time, and I think it's actually this that makes me feel like it's a totally irredeemable place. If they had just been all "Hell Yeah! Fuck you Yanks! Let's hear about the War of Northern Aggression!!! YEeeeeeeeee Hawww" well... I think this would have been better. Not good, certainly, but more honest at least.

Instead, we have this neutered little theme park with train rides and games and 4-D movies that all sort of pay only the tiniest bit of attention to the main point, and focuses instead on the glittery, shiny things all around the main point. They have this huge gravestone, essentially, even down to the granite relief carving, and it's honoring the men who are symbols for the last stand of the pro-slavery movement. The succession movement. These men aren't heroes. It's the same as honoring Mussolini or Franco after they'd been deposed. Didn't the Italian people drag Mussolini through the streets on a pig hook? They sure as hell didn't carve his face into the side of Mt. Vesuvius.

So it's this cute little friendly racism that is all "in the past", so now it's adorable instead of deplorable. It made me feel gross..

Of course, nothing made me feel more gross than the famous daily occurance...

The Mother Effing Laser Show.

That's right. At 9:30 every night these fools put on a laser lights show that talks all about Confederate history or whatever. Apparently I'm not the only person ever to think maybe the place lacks a little taste, because I've read that they added mention of Martin Luther King to bow to the rage of this small group of protesters.

I'm not a huge fan of laser shows or fireworks or whatever anyway, because I dislike crowds, but it would have barely mattered. We moseyed on down from our dinner (At the "Plantation" or something like that) about 90 minutes before the start of the lasers, and we saw this:

This was 90 minutes before the damned show. (Yes... they project the lasers right on The Redneck Rushmore itself).

We didn't stay for the lasers.

Look... I don't have anything else to say... Isn't it obvious anyway?

I'm sorry... am I wrong to be grossed out by this place? Am I wrong to wish they'd just left it this beautiful natural wonder and state park?

Next time: Indulging our Cats