Monday, September 8, 2008

I'll Annoy Birds Whenever I Like, HAWAII.

Hey Folks-

I decided to try a writing exercise where I asked for a blog topic and tried to come up with something coherant without preparation.. I'm not sure how it'll go...we'll see.
So...the suggestion:

Where would I live if I could live anywhere, if I break it down and decide by categories?

Places (in America) Dan Would Live...

Based on Signature Food
Let's assume I could eat what I wanted for the purpose of this exercise. There are a ton of foods I love. I love barbeque, so I could easily find myself settling in Kansas City or Memphis or North Carolina. I love mac and cheese so I could see myself living in Wisconsin. Tex Mex is fantastic so San Antonio would make sense. Chowder? Boston for sure... For me though... the choice is easy. There's nothing more delicious, to me, than a good Chicago style pizza. Pizza is great in any form, but the deep and gooey Chicago style is my favorite. Pizzeria Uno or Giordanos...damn it's good. A large pizza could easily feed 4 people, and probably shouldn't feed any fewer... Chicago gets bonus points because they also have a signature hot dog that happens to be my favorite dog iteration as well. (Dog, Mustard, relish, onions, pickle spear, tomato slices, celery salt.) Good on you Chicago...Good on you.

Based on Funniest Law
This is a tough one... I'd love to go to Honolulu, but I'd clearly be arrested immediately, because it's illegal to annoy any birds in Honolulu. So...Hawaii's out. I have some friends in Hollywood, but it'd be hard for me to move in there, because it's illegal to drive more than 2000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I can tell you I'd never move to Newcastle, Wyoming, because it's illegal to make love in a freezer. In Pinecrest, Florida citizens can't tow a sled behind their bicycles. Here in my home state of Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk. No no... While all of those places are very appealing to me, despite their laws, I clearly would move to Colorado where it is officially LEGAL to tear the tags off of pillows and mattresses.

Based on Sports Teams

Basically, what I'm saying here is that the Bengals and Reds are an embarrasment and I want live in a city that isn't the perpetual doormat that Cincinnati is, athletically speaking. Clearly, Boston would be the best choice. The Red Sox are great. The Celtics are great. The Patriots are great. But seriously...where's the fun in that? I mean... if I was from there, it'd be one thing. I'd have earned the success. There are a few places I can't live.... Indianapolis. Peyton Manning is probably the devil. New York and LA also have athletes whom I despise. (Kobe...A-Rod...I'm talking to you.).. No no... I think I have to go with New Orleans. The Saints are a likeable team with a likeable star (Drew Brees not Reggie Bush). They do all of the things the Bengals don't *cough* Sedrick Ellis *cough*. And then there's Chris Paul and the New Orleans Jazz (Hornets). The biggest drawback is that there's not baseball very close by, but it's not like there is here in Cincinnati either *Rimshot*.

Based on Night-Time Activities

This clearly isn't a choice, right? Isn't the clear answer here Las Vegas?

Based on Day-Time Activities
Much like the last one...this one is a no-brainer without any real second choices for me.. Orlando for sure.

Based on Educational Experiences
Well, I suppose it's sort of dependent on what you consider educational experiences, or what educational experiences you consider valuable... Do you value the proximity of educational institutions? Well, then Massachusetts is the place for you. Do you like going to museums? Washington D.C. may be the way to go. If you like actual historic sites, maybe Philadelphia. I'm definitely a Washington D.C. guy. There's soooo much to see. The Smithsonians. The monuments. The memorials. The infrastructure of government. In fact, I've been wanting to go back again. I haven't been for a while.

Based on Scenery

Another one that is dependent on the meaning of the category... If you're into cleavage and the pretty ladies maybe Malibu or Miami Beach is right for you. For the record, this is not the scenery I'm referring to. I am referring to nature's scenery. Maybe you go in for a rushing river... in that case Montana might be right. Or a beautiful beach... Malibu again? St. Augustine? Hilton Head? Rocky coast line... Maine maybe.. Oregon? I personally like mountains and prairies, which puts me squarely in the Jackson Hole, Wyoming camp. Just feast on the vistas... Sigh...

Hmm.... Any other categories?


Andrea said...

I fucking hate Peyton Manning! End Rant.

briana said...

In reference to the many places you could enjoy living:

There are two girls, here with me in Rome, that are from the Boston area. So they will automatically like you.
There is also a girl from Montana and another from Colorado, so they will relate to your love of the mountains.

Therefore, Rome will be a perfect place for you to visit. Did that not make any sense? Don't worry, it's not supposed to. Buona notte, fratello!