Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Shut up and Watch

One of my favorite leisure time activities is going to the movies. Since the start of 2010 I've been to over 10 movies, mostly by myself on Monday afternoons. I'm off work on Mondays, and since the Tofu Muchacha has been having computer problems, she hasn't been able to work from home, so I have nobody to spend the day with.

Sometimes I have errands or doctor appointments (I'm coming apart at the seams), but usually those are early or late and I have time to check out whatever shitty movie I can't convince Alan or my dad or T.M. to go see with me. If you see the movies on the sidebar, you'll know what I mean. Some terrible movies. That's not what I'm talking about, though. In my recent excursions to the theater, I've been confronted with some absolutely ridiculous behavior. Seriously. Like these people haven't been allowed out of the house for years.

In light of this, I give you Beefy Muchacho's Guide to Day-Time Movie Theater Etiquette

1) If I can smell you, you're too close.

The other day I was seated in my usual spot in the first row behind the railing (because I like putting my feet up), and I was the only person in the theater. Soon enough a group of three people came in and instead of picking literally any one of 200 other seats in the entirely empty (aside from me) theater, these fools sit right fucking next to me. Like, with only the seat my coat was occupying between us. I couldn't believe it. I mean... I'm not afraid of people, or whatever, but one of the nice things about going to the movies in the middle of the day on a Monday is the solitude it provides. It's the welcome "me time" I enjoy from time to time. I don't want to hear your inane conversations about whether The Skulls or Cruel Intentions was the better movie starring "That Pacey guy", or whether there's going to be a sequel to The Passion of the Christ. Just sit further away. In fact, I'd liken an empty movie theater to a men's restroom. If there are multiple urinals open, you never ever choose the one right next to the only other dude peeing. It's just courtesy.

2) Speaking of smells...

These same people made the list in another way, through the unmistakable smell of feet. This was upsetting, because the air in a movie theater isn't exactly the freshest as it is, and the addition of FOOT SMELL is like a punch in the face. I mentioned earlier that I like to put my feet up on the rail. Apparently I'm not the only one, because as I was feeling more and more claustrophobic, I looked over at the rubes chawing on their cud and I note that these people have made themselves quite at home. Their bare fucking feet are rubbing all over the railing right next to me. This gives me pause, as I was about to puke for any number of stomach churning reasons. 1) The railing people TOUCH has all kinds of potential new germs in play. My god...their FEET. 2) How fucking gross is the floor of a movie theater? I know it's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason. I would rather wade in the Ganges River than go barefoot in a movie theater. 3) These feet were stinking in truly professional manner. The people may have been too close to me, but they were still a couple of seats away, and there was no missing that smell.

3) This isn't Mystery Science Theatre

One of my all-time favorite movie going experiences was when Alan and I went to see Murder by Numbers (with now Oscar Winning actress Sandra Bullock and Oscar Nominated Ryan Gosling). We were the only 2 people in the theater and we took that rare opportunity to make the movie a one-liner-thon. It was a great time. I hope I get another chance again to do it... That's all well and good, but the other day when I was seeing Cop Out (better than the reviews) and these people a couple of rows away were essentially conversing as though they were in their living room. Kind of amazing. Someone complained, and a manager came in to ask them to stop, which only made it worse. Pretty terrible. The worst part was that they weren't even remotely funny. It's like they both thought they were inventing comedy. They reminded me of George Costanza with his great line he goes back to shout out again. Sad.

4) This isn't your office/peep show booth.

I will readily admit that with the nature of my job, I get a TON of e-mails. I need to be at least generally aware of what's going on with work at all times. Keeping that in mind, I do everything I can to avoid sitting in the same row as another movie-goer. If I know I'll have to be able to respond to an e-mail quickly, I'll sit in the back so the light of the phone doesn't disturb anyone. If I have to make or take a phone call, I LEAVE THE THEATER. Pretty easy. Well, in the last 2 months I have experienced a person making multiple calls to multiple people. Taking calls and exchanging less than pertinent information (yes... it did snow a lot, etc...). I have experienced people texting back and forth to each other, one seat apart. I know this, because they talked about what they were texting as they texted. Most disgustingly, I've experienced (also during Cop Out, oddly enough) two people IN MY ROW aggressively making out. I'm talking, boob groping, tongue-kissing, crotch-fondling making out. Like... sit in the back you ridiculous pervs. They weren't even halfway back. They were in the first row you'd see when you came in the entrance. Even worse, they were making gross panting noises.

Oh.. and let's not even get me started on bringing your rude-ass baby.

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