Saturday, June 20, 2009

Cat Conversations



They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!


Bear, a cat of regal bearing, lounges on the front stoop of his caretaker's house. A beam of sunlight shines across him as he dozes. The breeze ruffles gently through the grass and garden in front of him. It is idyllic.

Suddenly the peace is disturbed by another cat, one with a face almost humanlike, bounding out of the foliage to the left. This is Sammie.

Sammie: Heewwwhooooaaaa Behweeeee!

Bear: (Sighing) Fuck.

Sammie: Behwie! Wets go huntin' mo'es! I fink it's time I catched me one!

Bear: Can't you see I'm resting you ridiculous animal? Does it look like I want to go hunting moles right now?

Sammie: Come AWN Behwie! It'ew be fun! We can catch dem. And pway wif dem. And wick dem. And eat dem wike we eat da toon toons.

Bear: I'll tell you what, Samuel. If you catch a mole all by yourself, I'll play with it with you. But first you have to do me a favor.

Sammie: Anyfing fo you Behwie. Anyfing.

Bear: I need you to scratch my ears. These fucking mosquitos are absolutely killing me.

Sammie: Shur fing! I wike skwatching you-aw eaws anyway. It makes me giggle. (Commences scratching).

Bear: Oh....shitttt. That's the stuff. That's perfect. You're not all bad Samuel. You're not all bad.

Sammie: Oh FANK YOU Behwie! FANK YOU! (Goes up behind Bear and hugs him... after a moment he gets a little over zealous and bites Bear in the neck.)

Bear: Whoa whoa. You're welcome. Stop trying to fuck me you damned perv. Now go get that mole. I'll be right here waiting to play when you get back.

Sammie: You wiwy mean it Behwie? Wast time you toad me dat you went inside befowh I could catched me one.

Bear: I think you're misremembering. Go on! Go "catched you a mo'e." (aside) Christ.

Sammie: Okay Behwie. You pwomised dis time! (Bounds away) Wheeeee!

Bear waits 5 beats or so and walks around to the cat door into the house.

Bear: (to himself) What an idiot.


They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

2 comments:

Kasmira said...

It is now all your fault that I call Bear "Behwie."

Beefy Muchacho said...

I take full responsibility. I think I'll be writing another one soon.