I declare JIHAD!

When I Google searched "War on", "War on Christmas" was the 5th item on the list. After Terror, Drugs, Poverty, and Iraq. Before Afganistan, Crime, and Cancer. Glad we have our priorities straight.

Here we are on Christmas Eve, and I come to find out that we are under attack. Apparently, (and I have this on good authority), an actual WAR has been declared on Christmas!

When I first heard about it, I thought to myself "Who would want to declare WAR on Christmas?" Well, apparently everybody. It's a goddamned conspiracy is what it is. Those effing liberal, hippy, pot-smoking, tree-hugging, commie, pinko, leftist, athiestic looney-birds are literally trying to remove CHRIST from CHRISTMAS. I mean... how can they do that? It says it right there in the name of the holiday for the love of Mike.

I hear, and this is no unsubstantiated report, that store clerks are being instructed to say "Happy Holidays" to their customers! What a fucking outrage. Here we are, proud and fantastic Christians, and these complete strangers are being instructed to not single us out and make us feel even more entitled and special than we already do! It's ridiculous is what that is. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to fucking boycott Katz' Delicatessen for not wishing me the Merry CHRIST-MASS that I deserve to be wished.

What's next? Will they start asking my pregnant sister to walk into the back alley with them so they can perform that 3rd tri-mester abortion? Will they trick me into walking down the aisle with one of my deliciously handsome male friends (who are all completely straight) and marry their virile asses?

Soon we're all going to be socialists and we'll be voting for Muslims for President (Ooopss! Too late!) and we're all going to be worshipping some fucker named Charlie Darwin and celebrating Darwinmas.

Well.. Not me! I've had enough. Next time someone has the unmitigated gall to with me a "Happy Holidays", I'm going to punch them in their fat fucking face.

Okay... so the past few paragraphs are paraphrases of things I've been hearing and seeing everywhere for the last couple of years around this time. Christians here and there get all up in arms about how people are trying to "secularize" Christmas, and "Take the Christ out of Christmas" and how Christians have been minoritized and descriminated against and whatnot, and you know what?

I don't see it. I don't understand how wishing a person you don't know "Happy Holidays" can ever be taken as anything other than a pleasantry.

I want someone who believes that Christmas is being devalued by writing "X-Mas" (and wishing "Happy Holidays" and having non-denominational Winter Celebrations in public schools) to explain to me how. HOW? I don't get it.

I was at Disney World between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2005 and when the Magic Kingdom opened, they had their usual show to start the day. This one had a definite holiday theme, and the "Mayor" wished the crowd "Happy Holidays Folks!". One lady in the crowd made a point of shouting "You mean MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and I honestly wanted to go over there and say "You do realize you're not the only one here right? You realize there are Jews who have paid the same money as you to be here. And probably Muslims and Buddhists and a ton of other faiths? You realize the world doesn't center around you."

I didn't, of course, because what's the point?

I first started blogging over at Xanga, specifically to have a running dialogue with a fundamentalist Christian from Georgia, and he would often rail about these kinds of things. One thing I learned in my 2 or so years of debates with him is that there rarely would actually BE a debate. His arguments and positions were usually populated with straw men and no matter the logic, no matter the backup documentation, his position never changed or even bent slightly. I realized there's no real point in arguing past stating your point, because his tautological bent was too strong to truly puncture. He's certainly not the odd-duck in that. Fundamentalism is predicated on the willful ignorance of facts.

I've wondered aloud for some time who, exactly, was being harmed by the innocuous wishing of "Happy Holidays".

I have certainly seen no evidence to demonstrate that Christmas has been weakened commercially. I still see inflated Reindeer everywhere. I still see twinkly lights. And Sales and manger scenes and everything that just shouts "CHRISTMAS". For every 1 mention of Hanukah or Kwanzaa I see about a billion mentions of Christmas. For every non-Christmas holiday song I hear (which is basically none) I hear about a billion Christmas songs. Basically what I'm saying is Christmas is everywhere, and it's gonna take a lot more than a dude at Macys saying something as harmless and pleasant as "Happy Holidays" to take anything away from it.

If the argument is that Christmas is being secularized, well... that may be true, but that's been the case, pretty much since well.... since the Catholic Romans decided to celebrate Jesus' birthday at an inaccurate time just to blend in with the Romans celebrating the pagan holiday of Saturnalia at the same time. Based on all kinds of scientific evidence involving astronomy and whatnot, Jesus would have been born some time in the Spring. The whole business is pretty secularized and has been for millenia.

Oh... and what exactly is a company like Disney or Sears or whomever supposed to do? The whole purpose of having a business is to make money, and unless you're a Christian Book Store or something like that, you're probably not really intent on alienating large groups of people by singling them out or leaving them out. Seems like bad business practice when Jews and Muslims and Kwanzaa-celebrators and everyone else have spending money too. Why intentionally leave people out just because it makes another group feel special. Even sadder is that the group all upset about this nonsense has more special treatment bestowed upon them than any other group in the history of the fucking world.

There is one thing that scares me about the whole thing. This same particular group of Christians who are so adamant about attention being paid are the ones who behave least like Christians are supposed to. There is no other cheek being turned. This is the same group who levied death threats against a billboard sign owner who rented space to an athiest group. This is the same group who boycotts funerals holding "God Hates Fags" signs. Far be it from me to be the judge of who is "Good" and who is "Bad", but these people don't seem good to me.

I personally think it's a good thing that our country allows for all voices to be heard equally. I personally think it's a good thing that there are rules in place that keep religion (the most divisive force in the history of the world) out of the public school systems. I personally think it's a good thing that a company like Disney insists on inclusion by saying "Happy Holidays".

I could easily take this argument in other directions too, as it extends to things like gay marriage...

How does a man getting married to another man (assuming they're getting married out of love, and not because one of them is knocked up... *cough* Sarah Palin *cough*) devalue the "institution" of marriage? Aside from the always logical answer "because it does", I don't see how. That is for another time.

In any case, I'm done for today. I've said nothing new, but I've ranted and raved a little and made my point to the people who already agree...so I got that goin' for me.

I hope this blog finds you all happy and healthy and full of holiday cheer. Whatever holiday you celebrate.

Football and Site Biz

Merry Christmas Eve Everybody (that's right... I said it.)

First off, I'm planning to write a blog about the passing of Roy E. Disney, but haven't put it together in my head yet. Pretty sad, but he was old. His contributions were hugely important to the Disney company. We'll see what I have to say soon...

Second... Football Picks.
Last Week: 8 - 8
Overall: 141-83

This week:
Chargers
Falcons
Bengals
Browns
Packers
Dolphins
Pats
Saints
Giants
Steelers
Cards
Niners
Colts
Eagles
Cowboys
Vikings

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Some Sad News, and Football

Man... Chris Henry died this morning. That's just about the saddest thing ever. I am actually surprised by how sad I find the whole thing to be. I don't know if i'm going to write about it or not, but I've got stuff to say about it, probably. Either way, RIP Slim.

In any case, here are my picks for this week.
Last week, I went 10-6, for the season: 133-75

Here we go:
Colts

Saints
Pats
Cards
Titans

Browns
Texans
Jets
Eagles
Ravens
Broncos
Bengals
Packers
Seahawks
Vikings
Redskins

The Dome is Always Golder

I've been thinking a lot, over the past couple of weeks, about the nature of college football, and the perceptions that have reigned for years and years.

The impetus for this rumination (also the word for the digestion process of cows and other multi-stomached creatures) has been the absolutely ridiculous saga of Notre Dame's search for a new head coach, and their ultimate poaching of my Cincinnati Bearcats and Coach Brian Kelly. In the end, I think the cause was lost from the beginning. This based on this, apparently universally accepted, notion that the Notre Dame head coaching job is just better. Well... this blog is about how I vehemently reject that notion. To that end, I will break down a few of the more common arguments.

1) You Can Be A Legend!
Well... I'm not going to argue that at Notre Dame you can be A legend. My argument is more along the lines of this... While you can be a legend at Notre Dame, you can't be THE legend. That spot has been filled for quite some time in the daunting figure of Knute Rockne. You could win 5 straight national titles and you'll never be mentioned in a breath by yourself. It could MAYBE be "Coach Kelly and Coach Rockne", but even that is a real stretch. At some point there are legends that will never be surpassed. Wooden. Lombardi. Rockne.

On the other hand, if you win a title at the University of Cincinnati... you may as well just set aside for the re-naming of I-75 to Coach Kelly Highway. This town, so football insane that 75 year old men are identifed as Elder Panther letter-winners in their obituaries. So hungry for a title that the 1999 Cincinnati Reds, a team that didn't even make the playoffs, are looked upon fondly... Brian Kelly could have been THE Legend. Not just at U.C. but for the city. A National Title puts him at the top of the list.

I'll take it a step further. If you're not the first great, you're never the greatest. Urban Meyer will never be as beloved as Steve Spurrier, because Spurrier STARTED it. Pitino could never be as loved as Rupp. Those guys may statistically surpass the originals, but the nostalgia keeps them down.

2) The money is just too attractive.
Again... I can't argue with the fact that over dueling 5 year contracts, Notre Dame will out-pace just about anyone (except maybe Texas, apparently.) The bigger issue really is that this is truly a short-sighted viewpoint. I guess it runs counter to the ego required to believe you can actually succeed at Notre Dame, but the recent evidence shows that you're not getting more than 5 years unless you win a title. A BCS bowl won't even earn you 2 years of slack. So let's say that Notre Dame pays you 4 million a year for those 5 years (plus bonuses) and UC pays you 2 million a year (plus bonuses) over that same time. Yes... you're going to make more at Notre Dame over 5 years. Still... let's say you are exactly as successful as Charlie Weis and you get canned after 5 years. UC wasn't firing Brian Kelly. At this point, 2 straight BCS bowls has earned him at least another 5 years, and there's no reason to believe that the success wouldn't continue. So lets say Kelly stays at UC 10 years. Even if he re-ups his contract for the exact same amount (which he wouldn't), with 2 mil a year plus bonuses, he's made more money at UC than he would at Notre Dame (barring significantly more success than his predecessors). Oh...and you're a legend at UC.

I realize I'm making several assumptions, but these assumptions are based on past coaches at Notre Dame with similar success or expectations prior to their arrivals. My broader point is that in the short term, it's true that Notre Dame will pay more, but the likelihood of staying at UC 2 or 3 times longer is very high as well, and at that point the money catches up and becomes less of an issue.

3) You can't win a National Title at UC.
I think that Brian Kelly himself has quieted that talk significantly since his arrival 3 years ago. He won the Big East in his 2nd year and played in the Orange Bowl. Ended in the top 15. He won the Big East and went undefeated in his 3rd year and his (now vacated team) will end the season at 2nd in the country if they beat Florida in the Sugar Bowl. There was a very good chance that had Nebraska beaten Texas that UC would be playing Alabama for the championship THIS season. Even if not, they would have certainly been one of two teams that would be (along with TCU.) We're not talking about cinderella stories here. We're talking about seconds. We're talking about mere percentage points. If I think about it too much, I get dizzy. It's not like talking about George Mason in the Final Four. The Big East is a BCS conference. 2 Straight BCS titles is no joke.

I honestly think the better question is whether you can win a title at Notre Dame. While it apparently has the same appeal to Coaches that it did in 1978, it's been fleshed out for some time that the top athletes don't want to spend their prime ho-scoring years in South Bend, Indiana when they could be spending it in South Beach with The U or at Florida or in Pasadena at USC. You may get the odd top recruit who grew up in the area and wants to play there, but they are becoming less and less. Oh...and it's a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless that many of the top players can't make the grades necessary to even be accepted to Notre Dame. Mardy Gilyard, the Bearcat's best player over the past 2 seasons (and the man possibly most responsible for making Kelly the most desired coach in the land) was academically ineligible for the 2006 season. He would have NEVER made it into Notre Dame.

4) But it's SOUTH BEND.
I read an article that pointed out something interesting (and possibly irrelevant), but when Parsegian left Notre Dame, he was in his mid 50s and never coached again. When Dan Devine left, he was in his mid 50s and never coached again. And those guys were the LEGENDS. Ty Willingham has collapsed so badly after getting canned from Notre Dame that he likely won't get anothern shot after this last disaster. Charlie Weis went in with such confidence that it's jarring to see him taking such gross and petty pot-shots upon his exit. This place will straight-up fucking MURDER you. Brian Kelly is big talk now, but let's see how he feels when people are demanding his firing after he goes 10-3 and loses in the Fiesta Bowl. The thing about South Bend is that there's absolutely nothing to do besides sit around and stew about that football team. Nobody there cares about basketball. Nobody there cares about Purdue or the Colts (or Lions or Bears). It's all one thing being focused on, all the time, all year round. Yes.. it's South Bend, where they bleed gold... but that's a blessing and a curse. You get the best, loyalest fans anywhere in the world, but you also have the shortest leash of anywhere on Earth. Brian Kelly has never faced a single moment of adversity in his entire coaching life. He won a D-II National Title then sold out his team to move to Central Michigan. He abandoned Central Michigan for the next step on the run at Cincinnati (Right before a bowl game),and he just did the same. I'll give it to the guy...he wins. He's as good a coach as we've ever seen here. I just think that while it may matter to us what he did 2 years ago... It sure as hell won't matter to Notre Dame. It's the only place where he could WIN a title and still be on the chopping block 2 years later. The best thing is that there was already a contingent of die-hards who were totally against his hiring in the first place since he's a known democrat and known to be pro-choice. This is something that is an issue for a FOOTBALL COACH in one place only.

Some additional thoughts:

This is just a theory, and it's as of yet totally unsubstantiated, but what if Kelly is like Bob Huggins, who was better at coaching players "up" as opposed to coaching top level players to play to their expected level. Huggins' best teams were always the teams that over-achieved. His best players (aside from Danny Fortson) were guys who came in unheralded (Steve Logan, Bobby Brannen, and of course Kenyon Martin.) He made really solid players out of guys like Eric Martin, Nick Van Exel and Terrence Gibson. He got only moderate production out of guys like Mr Basketball Keith Gregor and Mr. Basketball Leonard Stokes and McD's All Americans like Dontonio Wingfield, Damon Flint and Kenny Saterfield. I'm not saying that Kelly is the same way, but we have no idea what he would do with "top flight recruits". I think some coaches are better wringing extra production from guys with chips on their shoulders. I dunno...

Could he have handled the whole situation in a more classless way? I'm going to say no. From the apparent consistent lying to his players, to the utterly gutless way he ducked out the backdoor of the awards banquet, to his complete disregard for the players and fans at UC during his opening presser at Notre Dame. I think it's interesting that less than a week after I write a blog about how I'm typically unsurprised with how athletes and celebrities conduct themselves, I found myself surprised by his conduct. I applaud Mardy Gilyard and the rest of his teammates for being candid about how they feel about the whole thing. The dude sold them out for a paycheck. Nobody can begrudge him leaving for his dream job. He should have handled it better.
So...with that said, I say Good Luck, Brian Kelly. I believe I'll find myself rooting for the rude awakening you have coming to you. I'll give you the props if you win, but I'm not holding my breath for an Irish resurrection. (Touchdown Jesus pun intended.)

Football...

I have a couple of comments about Brian Kelly and the Cincinnati Bearcats, but I'm intentionally holding off on that until I know if he's going to Notre Dame or not.

Until then my football picks...

Last week: 8 - 8
Overall: 123-69

Here we go:
Steelers
Saints
Packers
Jets
Dolphins
Ravens
Texans
Broncos
Bills
Bengals
Pats
Raiders
Titans
Cowboys
Eagles
Cards

Shut up and Play

(The Salad Days)

Do you know why I liked Tiger Woods? Because he was a fucking drone. Nobody knew anything about the guy for 15 years except for 4 things:

1) He loved his daddy.

2) He loves his privacy.
3) His wife is Swedish, Smart, and very, very Hot.
4) He's a pretty good Golfer.

That's it. I didn't have to think about him in any sort of critical way. He was a god-damned golfing robot and it was fun to marvel at his amazing shots and it was easy to ignore just about everything else, because he was so bland and uncontroversial that there was literally nothing else to pay attention to.

You see... that's what I look for in my celebrities... lack of celebrity.

I don't want to know what Malawian child is now part of their brood. I don't want to know what crack-pot religion they're suddenly saved by. I don't want to know who or what they are sleeping with. I just want to enjoy their movies and their music and their athletic prowess. Is that too much to ask?

Tom Cruise was once among my favorite Hollywood stars. He made fun movies, he seemed fairly likeable in an abstract way (the only way any of us regular folks can possibly understand). Then he got Scientology in him and started making a nutcase of himself, and soul-crushing Katie Holmes and NOW I have to acknowledge he's a person with a personality. Not only that, but a person with a personality I dislike. I am forced to admit that he's not Pete "Maverick" Mitchell or Jerry McGuire or Lestat. I HATE that. He's not a good enough actor to make me forget about the couch jumping or the whatever. Unless you're a fucking transcendant talent, you'd better keep a lid on it. Sadly, Tom Cruise is no Jack Nicholson, so we can't forget about every wacked out thing he does. I will admit that he was incredible in Tropic Thunder, but I can't decide of that was simply because I couldn't believe Tom Cruise was doing it at all.

Didn't everyone love Michael Jackson before we knew anything about his personal life and terribly childhood? Why did we need to know that he was a super-freak?

Look... I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form that I condone the actions of any of these people. If Michael Jackson is breaking the law by passing around the Jesus Juice, then he should be in jail and I get why that's news...

Tiger Woods didn't break the law. He got into a car wreck and cheated on his wife. That just makes him a bad person, not a criminal. This is why I'd rather this wasn't news, since it's really not important. I have no illusions and I know that many of my heroes aren't particularly nice people... does it make me a bad person to just wish I didn't know?

I'd rather not know that Walt Disney was anti-Union and that he possibly named names. I'd rather not know that Sean Penn has opinions aside from "Hmm... this role seems really cool" or "I would love to start directing the Walt Disney biopic that is so sorely needed". Sadly, because I know these things (and because I can think), I have to modify my perception of this person... It ultimately may not make a lick of difference...In Penn's case, I happen to think he's so good as an actor that I can somehow look past the personality of Penn himself. In Walt's case, I just think the millions of good things outweigh the dozens of bad, and more importantly... I've invited the information myself having read multiple biographies, so I have nobody to blame but myself.

Tiger Woods is a person who until now I've only had to have one opinion... "Jesus this guy can play some effing Golf". Now, because I'm incabable of not thinking about those things, every time they cut to a shot of Elin in the grandstand I'll be looking for the giant-ass "Kobe Special" (House on a finger). I'll be forced to modify my opinion to include shit that is not relevant to my enjoyment in sports, which is the only thing I want to reference Tiger Woods for anyway.

You know why I love Tom Hanks? Because he keeps his mouth shut, and if he's banging models behind Rita Wilson's back... nobody knows about it. (Also he's fucking great at what he does). You know why I love Johnny Depp? Because when he's done with his movies he goes home to France and shuts his windows and only comes out to act the shit out of whatever project he has next.

Athletes are tougher, because they're dumber, and many of their transgressions of late seem to be actually related to the sports... Steroids especially have totally curbed my enthusiasm.. I'm digressing.

Here's the upshot of what I'm trying to say...

I'm not interested in what any of these people do in their personal lives. I don't want them to talk about it. I don't want to have to read about it. I just want to enjoy watching them do the thing that made them famous. Tiger Woods has removed himself from an elite group of people who have achieved astounding heights of fame solely for being incredible at his profession and for being otherwise so uninteresting that we had only his golf prowess to discuss. He's ruined that forever. Not by doing those things. I'm not naive enough to believe he's the only one. He ruined it by failing to keep that shit private. The one thing he values the most. Now he's just one of an ever-growing group of idiots for whom I have mixed emotions about. I will still marvel at his athletic ability and I will still root for him to win, because it's the only thing that makes golf even remotely followable. I'll also still have to endure endless "Tiger Woods hole-in-one" jokes for the rest of his career. And for that he can not be forgiven. (We certainly can't leave it up to Leno to use some humor discretion.)

I don't want to be forced to acknowledge these people are people. That's one reason I love cartoons... Mickey Mouse isn't fucking Daisy Duck behind Minnie's back. Captain Hook doesn't have a terrible gambling problem. Stitch isn't juicing. I want to look at all of my human entertainment the same way I look at cartoons.

Pure entertainment, no humanity to distract.

Admittedly Dull

I'm working on another post for the blog that shall address the Tiger Woods situation (sort of) and my general take on that kind of thing...

Until then, the NFL season drags on, and I continue to make my much-heralded picks.
Over the past 3 weeks that I didn't tabulate, I went 9-7, 10-6, and 8-7 (starting with most recently.) This brings my overall record to... 115-61.

Here are my picks for this coming week:

Bills
Eagles
Bears
Bengals
Steelers
Titans
Broncos
Pats
Saints
Bucs
Jags
Chargers
Cowboys
Niners
Vikings
Packers