Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Assholes of the Highest Order

What every fish at the aquarium sees a million times a day. The poor bastards.

Dear Assholes-

When you venture out into the world, you have to understand that you may occasionally encounter other people. I know you'd prefer the very Earth to step aside and make room for you and your legions of progeny, but that's not how society functions.

The Beefy Muchacho

Yesterday, the Tofu Muchacha and I embarked on a trip to the local Newport Aquarium. Now... I thought going in that it would be a mad house, and I was totally correct. The number of children in that confined, underground space was the stuff of horror movies and Barney telethons. An obsessive compulsive would have shit his pants over the sheer volume of fingerprints on the glass. Obviously this is to be expected. It's an aquarium. Kids love fish. It was Martin Luther King Day. It was cold. The crowds go with the territory.

Still... (and this goes back to my issues during the last Disney trip)... the biggest issue wasn't the kids, it was the parents who all behave as though their little fuck trophy is the best damned fuck trophy in the history of allllll the world. These parents who provide their kids with flash cameras in the fucking Aquarium make me insane. It's as bad as the dark ride idiots at Disney who don't seem to understand that when a ride is lit with black lights, the flash ruins the picture. Same idea here... When you're taking pictures of something through glass (a reflective surface), the flash will REFLECT. So... take the stupid camera away from your even more stupid kid or... novel idea.... turn off the effing flash.

Also how 'bout moving the little rats along? Maybe the adult wants to pet a fucking shark too. Last I checked it wasn't the Newport "Children's" Aquarium. I payed my ridiculously exorbitant entry fee just like everyone else. It's not my fault that you brought every child you've literally EVER seen or met in your life. Instead of just ranting and raving, allow me to provide you an actual example... There's a portion of the aquarium that goes through an Aligator enclosure. There's a glass floor where you can look at the gators under this bridge. It's pretty cool, actually. Well, let me tell you... it's an excellent thing you're looking down, because that was the only thing preventing me from literally stepping on these children who took the opportunity to lay down IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WALKWAY and stare through the glass. Maybe I should cut them some slack. I'm sure all of the inbreeding that led to their existence has produced some pretty sketchy eyesight. Maybe they need to get that close to the glass in order to see through it. Of course... it didn't matter, as there was no possible way to see through it, because of the camera flashes. I mean... they were laying on their bellies in the walkway. That is totally insane. To the credit of their parents, they seemed to at least recognize this was ridiculous. They sort of nudged their kids with their foot... kinda.

Of course... we all know that some people with children behave as though they are the only people in the world doing anything of value. That's not a new phenomenon. None of this is new, but it never fails to baffle me whenever I witness it again.

My favorite instance of people being complete assholes came at the very start of the day. The aquarium is part of a larger "entertainment" complex on the river that houses a large movie theater, a Barnes and Noble, a bunch of eateries and some shitty shops and whatnot. The parking garage is big, but has tight corners and not a ton of great spaces. It seems to fill quickly, and the traffic pattern is confusing at best. I knew that MLK Day would be madness. We got there a little after noon, and already the lot was almost completely full. For the most part, the crowd was fairly organized... there weren't a lot of honking horns, and there seemed to be a tacit agreement amongst all of the drivers to get in, park, and get out of the way... We ended up on the 3rd parking level, filling in the last remaining open bank of spaces in a sort of filed order. Basically, the whole area was open and filled as we got to it. I parked in the center spot of a 3 spot bank (I hate parking against the pillar things) and get out of the car with the Tofu Muchacha. We see across the way a giant-ass Chevy Suburban that swung around into the first spot in the 3 spot bank across from us, but seemed to swing wide and was about 2 feet into the middle spot as well. This happens. I understand that. The lot is narrow. I then watched as the Suburban turned into a veritable effing clown car and a dozen or so people piled out. I assumed that once they were out, the driver would adjust their parking job to provide room in that bank for the other 2 necessary cars. We walked on. I wasn't going to stare.

2 hours later we come back to the car and I glance over, and lo and behold... what do I see?
There it was. Unmoved. You bet your ass a picture was taken. I hope someone less charitable than me slashed their tires. I only left a note. It read "Wow. What a rude asshole you are. I hope you enjoy your Suburban." I realize that this will certainly not hit home the way I'd like it to. Anyone who is so inconsiderate and self involved to park this way in a public place is certainly too oblivious to the world around them to understand that they did anything wrong. I came soooooo close to adding "Guess what I did to your car." I felt that threatening them would only bring me down to their level. Well... no... NOTHING would bring me down THAT far, but closer at least.

In closing. I hate these people more than I can even describe. And that's a lot.


Abbey said...

You know, once the kids get to be toddler aged/sized, you can shake them all you want. You just can't shake the babies ;)

Beefy Muchacho said...

Well... I mean.. obviously. Didn't your dad play "Shake-em-up" all the time? Not a single dead brain cell (that we know of.)