Original Title: A Thank You Note to God
Original Posting Date: 12/27/07
Original Posting Site: Myspace
So, it's been an interesting holiday. Not great (I missed the Steps), but not bad (I had a nice day with my mom, and saw a few good movies). One thing that did happen made me pretty damned sure that not only does God exist, but that he loves me the most.
Take a moment to take that in. I am The Big G-Unit's favorite. Suck on that Humanity!
Why this sudden realization? Sit back, grab a cold beverage, and let me spin you a tale.
So, last week I went to the movies at Cincinnati Showcase Cinemas in Norwood. For those of you who don't know, the place is pretty old school, and also my favorite of the Cincinnati movie theaters. It doesn't have the stadium seats or the gourmet food or whatever, but it has a certain color, and the seats are comfy. Whatever. It's also super close to my new place, and I like taking a few hours of a day off to sort of chill by myself and catch up with my movie watching.
This week, it's around 1 in the afternoon, and I'm going to see I Am Legend. Oh...the last thing you really need to know as setup is that this theater has a drop off lane that is separated from "Parking Lot Proper" by a 5 foot wide curb with a break in the middle and bushes lining it on both sides of the break, which you can walk through. This is very important, so picture it starting NOW.
I park my car and I approach the theater. As I near the little separator curb, a doofy, somewhat pudgy (I know..I'm one to talk. Shut it), 17ish teen wearing a Chad Johnson jersey approaches from the other direction, coming out of the theater. He's striding with a vague purpose...I mean...it's more like really heavy skipping, but he's on the move and feeling good about himself. He heads toward the little curb and sort of tries to...I dunno...leap it? It's hard to say, because whatever it was he was aiming for, he failed so miraculously... Basically he sort of tried to leap the entire 5 foot wide curb, and he misses. His foot hits the far end of the curb and he falls.
It's not the falling itself that makes it super awesome, but the way he falls..like...you know how when YOU fall, you sometimes feel like you're falling in slow motion? As though God wants to give you the chance to see all of the ways you could stop yourself from looking like a goon, if only you were athletic and quick enough to reach out and catch something, or adjust. Well, you're not any of those things, so instead you just fall super slowly.
For the first time in my life, someone else fell super slowly, almost as though God wanted to show me how awesome the fall I was witnessing was, and he wanted me to take note. So the kid falls in slow-mo and his feet are still up on the curb, and his body and face are like...lying flat in the road, but he fell so slowly, that you can almost see every inch of his body make contact separately from every other inch. I can't explain it any other way, and I can honestly say that I'm so grateful....
Still, there's more.
As the doofy kid starts to get up, his face is absolutely drenched. Literally dripping. I look around and I don't see a puddle, and it hasn't even been raining. I can't figure out why he's so wet. Then I see it. Apparently the kid was trying to smuggle a can of Mt. Dew into the movies. As he fell, the can tumbled out of his pocket and pierces itself on the ground, stands straight up on the curb, and is straight up spraying the kid in the face. Not a little. Not sort of in his face area. IN HIS FACE. Like it's on purpose. And the bestest thing of all is that the can is jjuuuuuussssst out of reach. He's tilted downward on the curb, and he's reaching for this can and the whole time he's getting sprayed by a seemingly endless stream of Dew. Finally, after what seems like minutes, but must have only been seconds, he manages to knock it over and it rolls away (spraying him still as the can makes each rotation.)
I half-assedly asked the kid if he's okay, because clearly I am almost exploding right now in my brain. Also, he probably doesn't want much attention brought to him. So he grunts that he's fine, and he heads toward his car to, I suppose change his coat (because he ended up back inside, in my movie).
So, with that, I'd like to write a short thank you to the Big G. The Main Maker.
Thank you so much for my Christmas present. I know it was for me, because it was so fucking awesome, and also because I was the only Earthly witness to this great cornucopia of physical comedy. You made me witness to a pratfall so wonderful that it could never be naturally recreated realistically enough to be believable. Thank you for giving me such a great gift, and showing me that not only do you exist, but how I am obviously your fave.
You're the best.
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