Thursday, July 10, 2008

Salty...Not Sweet. other day, I was shopping for various items, and I was unfortunate enough to find myself in the mall which is fine when you're with other people, or when you know where you're going.

Sadly, I didn't fall into either of these two groups, and I was wandering a the point where I had that sort of dazed "the re circulated
oxygen is crushing my soul" look in my eyes. I'd just gotten off the phone
with my dad and I was passing by the kiosk area when this vaguely
attractive (though not as attractive as she thinks) girl of potentially
middle eastern descent kinda steps into my path and extends her hand in a
gesture of greeting.

Now.. If I had been paying even a lick of attention, I would have noted
right away that this is not a normal way for a stranger to behave toward
another. Again, see "dazed" above. So, dumbass me sticks out my hand and I
say "Hi, how are you?". Aaaand now she's got me.

She turns the friendly handshake of fellowship across our lands into a
death grip. My hand buckles under her clamping fist and I have no choice
but to follow her lead out of the main walking area and into the land of
"The Dead Sea". The following is a transcript of the exchange. Please
picture her speaking in an absolutely outlandish Israeli accent.

*Leading me toward her devilish workshop*
HER: Hello baby, have you even swimmed in the Dead Sea?

ME: I...

HER: Do you know of her healing powers? with the salt?

ME: Yeah, actually...
HER: Let me show you somethings amazing!

ME: I really don't...
* She starts buffing my middle finger nail on my right hand with some
blocky thing. Dust flies every which way. *

HER: Okay! Now you'll see how the salts from the Dead Sea, near where my
brother Yuri and me growed up can restore anything!

ME: Wow...yea. Okay...
*She finishes doing whatever the heck to my finger and still won't release
me. *

HER: Promise not to screams when you see?

ME: No. I may screams.

HER: Heheeheeeee YURI! He says he may screams.

YURI: *Something inaudible and grumpy*

HER: Look at your beautiful finger!

ME: *screams*
*My nail is super shiny and looks like it's been polished. My one nail.*

HER: Isn't that amazings?!

ME: Yeah, it' I really have to go. I'm meeting someone in 3 minutes.
(I wasn't, of course, but she wouldn't let go of my hand.)

HER: Now, let me show you one more thing! Yuri, bring me the man lotion!

ME: The man lot....
*She immediately starts rubbing this weird hand lotion all over my captive
hand. babbling about dead sea salt, sloughed skin, and whatever else pops
into her mind. *

HER: much would you pays for allllll thiiiisssss?

ME: I really don't know...I have to go.

HER: Wait now! I'll give you this, and this, and this...a packages that
usually we sell for 79.95. I'll give you 2 whole packs for 59.95!

ME: That's a really great deal, but I don't really need any of this

HER: How about 39.95? FOR TWO!

ME: I'm sorry...I can't right now...

HER: YURI! *speaking in Hebrew for a moment* OKays! I'll give you 2 whole
packs for only 29.95. Thats the best deals I've ever gived!

ME: I'm sorry. I can't. I am late now!

HER: Okay goodbye!
*She abruptly releases my hand and turns away.*


Samantha said...

Wow, That was by far the most descriptive mall experience I've ever read. Very interesting...

Julie said...

I remember finding The Home Of The Palestinian Sea Salts online, which basically encourages Palestinians to come to America to bilk people out of their nails and their money.

<~ bought ZEE CREEM. Now I give them The Evil Eye, or as evil as a shiksa can muster.