It All Makes Sense

I remember when I was in high school... and college... and um.. after college, when the actions of women baffled me. Who am I kidding? I'm constantly baffled to this day.

For years, this question plagued me. Why do women play these crazy ass games? WHY? It's so cruel. Most of us men are hapless rubes when it comes to the wiles of the ladies. So... why do they torment us so?

Then, the other day the beautiful Tofu Muchacha showed me something that shed some (a little) light on all of the puzzles...

Seventeen God Damned Magazine.

She showed me an article in Seventeen God Damned Magazine called "50 Flirting Tips You Have to Try Now".

That is some fucked up shit, and yet it explains so, so much about why I was so confused by girls all the damned time. There are magazines teaching them to confuse us poor idiots.

Allow me to provide some of the most egregious examples...

Tip # 6: Master the bump-and-flatter. Run into a cute guy at a crowded party. Say, "Oh sorry- I become a total klutz around cute guys." Then just introduce yourself.

This is 2 of the 57 bajillion times the phrase "cute guy" shows up in this three page article. How shallow are girls encouraged to be? Also... is random klutziness really the best way to "break the ice". How very Bella Swanian.

Tip # 14: Ask him out "by accident". Text him "what r u up to tonite?". When he replies, say, "Sorry, that was for a friend - but yeah, what r u doing?". The tiny diss will make him work harder.

I can't get over how many ways this is fucked up. 1) Yes, please let's encourage more LOL-Speak. 2) Why in the hell can't a girl just ask the dude out "by purpose"? God forbid anyone just be honest. 3) I sure love it when I'm manipulated into "working harder" by being insulted. It was around here where I realized how truly jacked the world is.

Tip # 25: Make him nervous. Here's how: The first time a new crush texts you, write back, "Who is this?" When he explains, say "JK, how could I forget you??? :)" He'll be hooked!

First off, how is this anything other than just being a total bitch? It's not funny. It's not "cute". It's just plain mean. Second, the thing that makes me angriest is that it would totally work.

Tip # 28: Channel Whitney Port.

... ... That ... I mean... Damn. This is so appalling I have nothing else to say about it. For those of you unaware of who Whitney Port is, you're lucky. And apparently unable to achieve tip #28.

Tip # 33: Catch his Eye-pod. (It seriously says that). Walk up to the hottest guy at The Apple Store and say "My friend just got that and loves it. Are you getting one too?" Guys love to talk about technology.

I wonder if this would work in reverse. Could a dude go up to a woman in the Fredericks of Hollywood store and say "My friend just got that and loves it. Are you getting one too?"... I mean... don't all women like to talk about underpants?

Tip # 46. Don't focus on him 100%. When he's talking to you, be totally genuinely interested. But when he's talking to anyone else, ignore him. Guys LIKE to work for your attention.

I mean... Halfway in, I was in complete agreement. Being genuinely interested IS a good tip. Then all of a sudden they're telling the girls to intentionally ignore the guy because guys LIKE that. Not only is it weird, but it's not true. You know what guys like (or you know... PEOPLE)? When the person they're with pay attention to what they're talking about.

Oh... I should mention that they also feature tips directly from men that are equally as troubling...

The illustrious Brody Jenner provides perhaps the most upsetting and fucked up advice of all:

Tip # 19: When you're texting, don't respond to every single thing a guy says. Leave some questions hanging. He'll be more interested in the conversation if he has to chase it a little.

I guess this tip makes sense coming from a vapid mimbo who might not be able to sustain interesting conversation without employing these fucked up games.... but seriously dude... way to back up your bros. Why in the hell would you tell them that? WHY? You're helping NOBODY.

So... As I was saying... It all makes sense. I now understand why I never got a single full breath of air during any date in high school. I now understand why I hung up from every phone call with a girl from the time i was 13 to the time I was 20 without a single clue of what the hell just happened. I now understand why I constantly felt like I was about to fall flat on my ass with every girl I talked to.

Seventeen God Damned Magazine.