A Quiz... Because I'm Lazy

Hey Folks-

It's been a while, due to my completely insane performance schedule (those little blue pills have been working overtime, let me tell you.) And I still have very little to say, so I've decided to do one of those quizzes that people put up on these interwebs and whatnot. It's being billed as a "mature" quiz. Not because it's about nudie mags or something, but because it was written by an adult as opposed to some high school kid with no spell-checker.

Here we go...

1)What bill do I hate paying the most?
That's easily my car payment. I hate paying my car payment more than I hate most anything. It's too much. It's endless. I have a sinking feeling that by the time I'm done making these payments that my car will be useless. I want to punch my car payment in the fucking face.

2) Where was the last place I had a romantic dinner?
On Valentine's Day I ate at Marrakesh at Walt Disney World. That was pretty cool.

3) What do I really want to be doing right now?
Playing Call of Duty. (And here you thought that a mature quiz would involve me acting my age... bah!)

4) How many colleges did I attend?
Two (Wright State and Thomas More), unless you count Hondros College where I got my real estate license. In which case... Three.

5) Why did I choose the shirt that I have on right now?
Well... I like black. It's a little cold outside, so I thought I should go with a sweater (even though I'm also wearing shorts.)

6) What are my thoughts on gas prices?
Haven't we talked about this shit enough? Those are my thoughts.

7) What was my first thought when the alarm went off this morning?
"Is my phone ringing, or is that the alarm? Oh... the alarm. Damnit."

8) What was my last thought before I went to bed last night?
"Tomorrow's gonna be a long day"

9) Do I miss being a child?
Yeah, for sure. The coolest thing about being a kid is that you have nothing to do. I mean... when I was a kid I felt like I was busy, but I didn't know what busy meant until now. I like the notion of being done with my responsibilities at 3 every day. I like the notion of having full weekends free. I like not having to pay for anything. Life was awesome.

10) What errand or chore to I despise?
I hate going to the post office. I feel like it always take forever, and the post office people scare me.

11) Get up early or sleep in?
Wow...isn't this a much more mature survey than the usual ones? Next they'll ask me if I like Coke or Pepsi.
Also, I obviously like sleeping.

12) Have I found real love yet?
I think if I had, I wouldn't blog so much. Or do so much theatre. Or... You get the idea.

13) Favorite lunch meat?
I've always been fond of Roast Beef, but I can't have much of it anymore.

14) What do I get every time I go into Target?
Hives? Swine Flu? An icky feeling? I dunno.

15) Beach or Lake?
Lake, but again...seriously with these questions? How are they better. This survey roped me in with it's promises of maturity and depth and here I am answering questions about the beach.

16) Do I think marriage is an out-dated ritual?
I don't think that at all, but I do think that people take it far too lightly. I'm all for anyone being legally allowed to get married, but I think 2/3rds of the people who do get married, should reconsider or wait.

17) Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Isn't this question like "Would you rather have a million dollars or herpes?". I mean... Wouldn't a better question be "Sopranos or Six Feet Under" or "Sopranos or West Wing" or "Sopranos or The Wire". Or even "Desperate Housewives or getting your period" or "Desperate Housewives or a spinal tap". Um yeah... Sopranos.

18)What famous person would I like to have dinner with?
Walt Disney. That was the easiest one so far.

19) Have I ever crashed my vehicle?
Well... I've been in a crash, but it wasn't my fault, so I'm not going to say that I've crashed my vehicle. I was driving while someone else crashed it.

20)Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for it's intended purpose?
No

21) Ring Tone?
I have the "Classic Ringer" tone.

22) Strangest Place I've ever brushed my teeth?
I honestly have no idea? My car?

23) Somewhere in California I've never been, but would like to go?
Clearly the answer is Disneyland

24)Do I go to church?
Not often.

25)At this point in my life, would I rather start a new career, or a new relationship?
I'm gonna go with relationship, though I am always open to career things. I'd be unlikely to leave the friendly confines of my current employer, but if I could go work for Disney, I'd be gone today.

26) How old am I?
Twenty Nine. What the fuck, survey? What a waste of a question.

27) Do I have a go-to person?
Yeah..a couple.

28) Am I where I want to be in life?
I dunno. I'm happy with what I'm doing for the most part.

29) Growing up, what were my favorite cartoons?
Ducktales, He-Man, and... yeah...those two.

30) What about myself has changed the most?
I guess it depends on from when you mean, survey, but I think that for the most part I've just sort of grown into the person I want to be. The clay is hardening a bit, if that makes sense. (Out of the gutter!)

31) Looking back on High School, were they the best years of my life?
God no. I liked my Senior year... it was awesome, but aside from that, I was a train wreck. On the other hand, I liked almost all of College. And there've been years after that that've been pretty solid. So..no. High school is vastly overrated.

32) Are there times I still feel like a kid?
I think a better question is "Are there times I feel like an adult. That would be a shorter list."

33) Did I ever own Troll Dolls?
I did not. And I think their bare asses are weird.

34) Did I have a pager?
No.

35) Where was the hangout spot when I was a teenager?
I guess we went to Sitwells a lot. Coffee shop in Clifton. Aside from that, Paul Bohart's TV room.

36) Was I the type of kid would want my kids hanging out with?
Absolutely... I was way, WAAAAYYY too much of a pussy to get into too much trouble. Maybe I'd have tried to shoplift a Playboy or two. That's about the extent of it.

37) Who do I think impacted my life the most?
Probably my parents/step parents/step siblings. I think a lot of those relationships have molded me more than anything.

38) Was there a teacher or authority figure who stood out?
Dr. Ron Mielech. The dude is a genius and one of the nicest guys ever.

39) Do I tell stories that begin with "When I was your age..."?
No. I can't say that I do. I try to avoid it actually.

40) Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
I guess so. That's a tough one. Like... on the one hand, love is great. But if you've never loved, you don't really know what you're missing. Also there's a lot less of the pain of losing the love... Ill go with yes.

Big News

Hey Folks-

I'm very excited to announce that my old website http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ will be back up and running again soon.

There you'll be able to listen to pod-casts and enjoy some other more random stuff that I'm doing and working on that doesn't quite fit here.

Just working on re-doing the layouts and revamping. It was originally there as a test site for items on SiteRightNow.com who has agreed to host the site for free.

I'm especially excited to be unveiling a new logo partially designed by Tony Doench, a friend of mine from my theatrical exploits.

More on here soon. Probably about the Reds. Or Disney.

Why Scar? Because I said so.

Lies! Lies I say!

Alright so there are a couple of things that I've been stewing about for a while, so I figure I may as well get it out there on the table. Mostly these are things that there seems to be an agenda by the general populace to make me believe something that no matter how hard I squint, I just can't make myself buy in...

First...

I am tired of Soy Milk. Not even because it's gross. I mean... it is gross, but that's not why I'm tired of it. I am tired of it being called "milk". I know this is sort of a bit from Meet the Parents or whatever, but when last I checked the soy bean did not possess a teet. While I was in that field, checking for teets on the soy plants around me, I also went ahead and checked my dictionary (that I carry with me) and noted that milk is a liquid secreted from mammaries. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that No teet = no milk. I think it's a good bet that if they (you know who I mean) weren't so intent on calling it MILK, I'd have a much more positive (at least neutral) feeling about that shit. I mean... call it soy juice or something. Soy Juice is at least not a total lie. Same with coconuts. Those black circles are not nipples. There are no baby coconuts suckling it's damned mommy coconut.

While I'm on the subject of calling things by the wrong names in order to make them seem more appealing, I have a couple of other beefs (not actual beef... a complaint). I was watching TV and there was this chick on there who was an expert on raw foods. This is the sort of insane shit that makes me worry for society, because how can a person determine that veganism is too fucking loosey goosey, so they're just gonna eat foods that aren't even fucking cooked. There are rules too... like anything heated over 120 degrees or something is off limits. So anyway, this nut is making lasagna. I know what you're thinking... Isn't lasagna baked in an oven? I sure as hell thought so. Well not this "raw-sagna" That's right. Fucking raw-sagna. This lunatic is mashing up sunflower seeds with oil to make a "pasta dough" that's totally raw, and she's mashing it all into a baking dish (the irony of which is totally lost on this idiot. So again... it's not fucking lasagna. It's something edible probably, and probably not entirely disgusting, but by calling it lasagna and then submitting that shit to me is only certain to make me so fucking mad at you that I'll never eat it in a million bajillion years. Why adopt a perfectly delicious, beloved food's name as your own for your disgusting hippy science experiments? I bet I'd be happy to give it a try if you hadn't just shoved that slop in front of me and claimed it was lasagna...excuse me... raw-sagna.

You know what else is a fucking lie? Dancing With the Stars. Alright... I'm going to start this off by naming a couple of people... Marissa Winokur, Albert Reed, Stacy Kiebler, Kelly Monaco, Shanna Moakler. Who are those people? Those are contestants on "Dancing With the Stars". Now... prior to their appearances on the show, I'm pretty fucking sure 9 out of 10 people would not be able to identify who any of those people are. Seems like calling those people "Stars" is akin to calling me a star. I'd probably be a star after I was on the show, but even that isn't a sure thing, because I couldn't tell you who the fuck Albert Reed is if you put a gun to my head. They've had almost every past boy-bander except for the legitimately famous ones. Where's Timberlake? They've had every over-tanned aging 70s actor...Where's Redford. I mean... it's fine if they wanna have a ballrooom dancing competition... but c'mon... let's not pretend that anyone knows some of these people, let along that these people are stars. May as well bring in totally random people pulled out of a hat...

How is that not So You Think You Can Dance? Well... the people on SYTYCD have to know what they're doing. Even the worst one on there is the best dancer you'd ever see in person. On the other hand, the worst dancer on DWTS may have a heart attack or drop dead or at least fall down. They should call it "Usually Rhythmic Movements with People You May Vaguely Recognize". It's a bit clunky, but far more accurate.

You know what else pisses me off? Did you hear that a MAN gave birth last year? I did too! So imagine my surprise when I got a load of that "dude" and that "dude" turned out to not be a dude at all. It's...wait for it... a WOMAN. That is not news-worthy. Not at all. I can't fucking believe that Barbara Walters had this woman on as one of the "Most Fascinating People" last year. I asked someone at the time why this person was so interesting, and the person I asked said "It's a man who gave birth! It's crazy!"

to which I said.. "Wow... so did they perform a C-Section?"

"No. They say it was a natural childbirth."

"What? That must have fucking hurt! That poor guy! Out his penis???!!! Jesus."

"No no... They're a pre-op trans-sexual. They still have the woman parts."

"Wait...so you're saying that this person who is a woman gave birth as millions of women do every day?"

"Yeah, but they're getting a sex change."

"But they haven't yet, right? Right now that's a woman. Right?"

"Yeah... but..."

** eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee BOOOOOM!!! ** (that's where my head exploded.)

I mean...has ever a lie been more ridiculous and easily disproven, and yet totally accepted by everyone in the whole fucking world. Like... COME ON PEOPLE. There's nothing interesting about this person, aside from perhaps the psychology behind having this strong emotional need to become the man they believe they are, and yet also wanting to give birth. I don't want to hear about this person anymore, and yet I have to because SHE is pregnant again. Where's the news coverage? Shouldn't there be a Pregger-Dude Cam just like they've got the Panda-Cam or whatever? I want daily updates! I want to read about how this medical miracle is against god! I waaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.. it's just not even interesting at all. There are 2 women I know who are pregnant right fucking now. Should I call the news?

Oh...and also...there's this:

Good, but not TOOO Good.

Simon Cowell has just about the toughest job in the world. I mean that. I know what you're thinking...

"Muchacho! How can you say that? He's rich and he gets to be mean and people expect nothing else from him!"

And well yeah... that's true. But here's the thing... well...a couple of things..

1) I actually don't think he IS mean. You can sort of tell when you watch that he does actually like people, and he's never afraid to compliment someone if they actually deserve it. It's not his fault (well... probably it is because he's the boss) that he's the only judge really allowed or able to give actual, realistic opinions. I mean c'mon... Randy is a doof, Paula is Paula, and Kara just... I had high hopes that she'd be the legit female Simon and whatnot. A current songwriter with actual recent success, and she often sounds less coherant than Paula Abdul. So no... Simon's only mean in comparison to the cotton candy unicorns that the rest of them perpetrate on us every fucking week.

2) Simon's soul IS black and cold, true, but not why you'd think. And here's where I begin to explain my thesis... I think it's the worst thing in the world to know better and to understand nuance and levels, and yet feel compelled to ignore them based on forces that are not only outside of your personal control, but also soul-crushing. I think that's the situation Simon finds himself in... I think it's completely plausible that there are people they've had on that show who Simon actually might respect artistically, or really personally enjoy as an entertainer, but who he's destroyed them in critiques. Why? Because he knows that his comments do actually have an affect on voting, and his biggest nightmare is if someone wins who isn't readily marketable. It's not personal. It's not about his personal preferences. He wants to make money and Taylor Hicks ultimately makes him no money.

NOTE: Taylor Hicks is the perfect example here. He sort of captivated the idiot masses for a short time (due to the schtick), but in the long run went super, super stale very quickly. He's the only American Idol winner who was really more the winner of a reality show, and less a winner of a competition for entertainers. It's not that he was bad at what he does, because he's not, but he's a niche guy. More on that later. But I digress...

Simon's soul is black because it has to kill him to toss people under the bus who he probably finds more interesting in favor of pimping the safer bets. By "safer", I mean more generally marketable. I think Simon subscribes (as all people who want to make money over art should) to the Michael Eisner model (well.. early Eisner). Hit singles and doubles and take the sure things. If you play for the homerun, you strike out a lot more. It's probably less interesting on a creative level, but it's a way surer thing when it comes to making money.

3) He's got the finest line to walk when it comes the advice and criticisms he doles out. Everything he says is calculated to drive the person he WANTS to win toward winning. He knows that his target audience is middle America. The Average Joes who would rather listen comfortably to Nickleback than to be challenged by Radiohead. There's a reason why Radiohead wins Grammy's while Nickleback is the best selling group in the world right now. Simon knows this. His challenge every week is to subliminally lead America toward NOT voting out the people who combine being interesting/current/polished/skilled/versatile while also not being tooooo interesting/current/polished/skilled/versatile. There's a reason Michael Sarver will be on the tour. America eats that shit up. A current pair that stands out to me is Kris Allen (who I can barely ever remember) and Adam Lambert (who I can hardly stop listening to).

Two weeks ago, Adam Lambert did this crazy-ass rendition of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire". I personally loved it. Simon "hated" it. He called it "Horrific" and "self-indulgent". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "Bullshit". I don't know if he liked it or not, and that's really irrelevant. I think that what Adam did was not by any measure "horrific". Possibly self-indulgent, but it wasn't his arrangement so whatever. Anyway... what I think happened was this: Adam did this wacky thing and it was during country week, which happens to be an important demographic, and Simon REALLY wants this dude to stick around so he dinged him a little. Like... "Get back a little closer to the middle and you'll win this thing." Adam wasn't in any real danger of going home THAT week because there were too many people less popular so it was the perfect time to "knock him down a peg" and get him to understand that it's okay to be different (David Cook's "Billie Jean") but not okay to be TOO different (Sanjaya...anything). It's great to be good (Jordin Sparks), but it's a little touchier to be GREAT (can't think of anyone right now, which is sort of the point... Maybe Jennifer Hudson or Melinda Dolittle (but then that's another thing altogether)).

Then you have silly Kris Allen who this week, during the Motown theme, sang some song or other... (I literally can't remember, because he's so fucking boring). Now Kris is the exact opposite of Adam Lambert in almost every way, but he's getting the same sort of push from the other direction. Kris is more than serviceable. He's talented. He's got the looks that girls plaster their rooms with and he can sing and play guitar, which pretty much makes him a walking dollar sign. The thing is... he's also kinda forgettable. He's so nice and simple and wholesome. He's like the Osmonds... Got the skills and the looks and whatnot, but you're still hungry for more when they're done assaulting you with their Book of Mormon or their songs or whatever. So what does Simon do? Simon knows that Kris is safe...the teen girls will save him for a while longer for sure... so he says the exact opposite thing he tells Adam "be more interesting. Have more swagger. Do something self indulgent."

It's a fine, fine line. Adam Lambert is great. He's not everyone's cup of tea, but there is absolutely no room for debate that he's a singular talent. He's totally unpredictable, even down to the modulations within his songs. This scares Simon, because it excites him at the possibilities, but it also doesn't always translate into sales. On the other hand Kris Allen is as predictable as a McDonalds McNugget. The same every time. He's got talent, but people also want to remember your concert five minutes after it's over. One of them Simon tries to rein in. One he tries to set loose a little. It's a fascinating balancing act to watch as he coaxes two front runners. Can't be too negative too often or the voters will start picking up on it and will follow suit (the only one this didn't work with was Taylor, and turns out Simon was right.) Can't be too positive or there'll be a "bandwagon backlash".

I was thinking about this a lot, and I am trying really really hard to think of a music icon who would have been a safe bet from the start. I can't think of one. This leads me to hypothesize that you can't predict the all-timers. You can predict the solid stars and the giant failures (usually), but it's nearly impossible to predict the ones that are the absolute grand-slam home runs, and so chasing them isn't a good business model (again with the Eisner singles and doubles.)

Elvis? Some people say he's the most influential entertainer of the 20th Century (I say Walt Disney, but whatever). That said, how do you predict a white boy from Mississippi who sings gospel and rock-a-billy becoming the biggest celebrity in the world based on this wacky new music?

Madonna? She's essentially a dancer with a serviceable voice (at best). If a music producer told me that they'd signed a dancer with a serviceable voice to a record deal and said that some day she'd be the richest, most successful female singer of all time, I'd tell them that I'm not a leprechaun and that I don't grant wishes. She basically become a star through sheer force of will and charisma. Not something quantifiable.

Michael Jackson? Now...he's a special case, because he was a star as a kid before he had any control over her personna and whatever, but let's say a completely unknown Michael Jackson showed up at Motown Records in 1983 or whatever and he was all "Salutations friends. I'm gonna be the most famous person on Earth in 2 years! Send me your chimps and small children!" I'm pretty sure that record executive calls the cops.

Anyway... It's a tough job Simon has is all I'm saying. You can't predict the legends. In fact, it's more a matter of not fucking up the sure things and hoping for the best.

Alan and I were discussing whether or not the mediocre ones know they're mediocre and merely playing to the middle... and I honestly don't know. Part of me wants to think that Nickelback knows that what they're doing is fluff and that they're okay with it, because they do their side projects to satiate their artistic insides and then they go tour and they bang really really hot dumb girls and roll around on their mattresses stuffed with cash. They are not without talent. I don't honestly believe you can be a success without having at least some talent.

The difference between them and a John Lennon is that the dudes in Nickelback are at peace with (at the least) or even embrace (more likely) their middle of the road confomity and they suckle at that teet until it runs dry. I do think there's probably some delusion in there too... like they probably occasionally write a song where they're all "This is it! This is the one where the artistic and the mainstream finally collide and we take it to that iconic level" and it's just another one of the 50 songs that sound exactly the same as all the others. On the other hand, I have no problem seeing John Lennon thinking that every song he ever wrote was total shit, and he pops out Imagine or Yesterday. Or even one of the 50 other legendary songs.

I guess my extremely long-winded point is that Simon Cowell's goal isn't to find the next John Lennon or Elvis. His goal is to find the next Nickelback. That may kill him every day, and it may just make him seem awfully mean to guys like Kris Allen who have the talent but no personality, so they just need a little nudge to be truly commercially viable. And it may kill him worse to kinda ding Adam Lambert who artistically is an unknown on this type of show and possibly has the ability to do amazing things, but might just be a little too scary for general American consumption in his current form.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Is it possible to predict greatness? Discuss...

Why I'm Not Writing

Hey Folks-

I've noticed that my "per month" blog post numbers have dropped significantly over the past 3 months, and I feel like I need to explain myself. (Mostly to myself, as I have approximately 3 readers or something.)

My reasons:

1) While I definitely don't make a habit out of blogging from work, my extra time to do anything has dropped down to nothing.

2) I'm rehearsing for 2 shows right now, so any of my free time in the evenings...well... doesn't exist. I have no free time in the evenings. In fact, I'm kinda hating life right now, which makes my lack of time to blog even worse, because when I'm angsty I'm more entertaining (I'm told).

3) What little writing time I do have, I've been using to plan and prepare to collaborate with a friend on a play.

4) PS3. It's the most insidious, evil, time robbing son-of-a-bitch ever. And I love every single second of it.

5) I'm so, sooo tired. (See above)

All that said, I hope to have my Day 4 of Disney blog up some time later today.