Cat Conversations

They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

Bear, a cat of regal bearing, lounges on the front stoop of his caretaker's house. A beam of sunlight shines across him as he dozes. The breeze ruffles gently through the grass and garden in front of him. It is idyllic.

Suddenly the peace is disturbed by another cat, one with a face almost humanlike, bounding out of the foliage to the left. This is Sammie.

Sammie: Heewwwhooooaaaa Behweeeee!

Bear: (Sighing) Fuck.

Sammie: Behwie! Wets go huntin' mo'es! I fink it's time I catched me one!

Bear: Can't you see I'm resting you ridiculous animal? Does it look like I want to go hunting moles right now?

Sammie: Come AWN Behwie! It'ew be fun! We can catch dem. And pway wif dem. And wick dem. And eat dem wike we eat da toon toons.

Bear: I'll tell you what, Samuel. If you catch a mole all by yourself, I'll play with it with you. But first you have to do me a favor.

Sammie: Anyfing fo you Behwie. Anyfing.

Bear: I need you to scratch my ears. These fucking mosquitos are absolutely killing me.

Sammie: Shur fing! I wike skwatching you-aw eaws anyway. It makes me giggle. (Commences scratching).

Bear: Oh....shitttt. That's the stuff. That's perfect. You're not all bad Samuel. You're not all bad.

Sammie: Oh FANK YOU Behwie! FANK YOU! (Goes up behind Bear and hugs him... after a moment he gets a little over zealous and bites Bear in the neck.)

Bear: Whoa whoa. You're welcome. Stop trying to fuck me you damned perv. Now go get that mole. I'll be right here waiting to play when you get back.

Sammie: You wiwy mean it Behwie? Wast time you toad me dat you went inside befowh I could catched me one.

Bear: I think you're misremembering. Go on! Go "catched you a mo'e." (aside) Christ.

Sammie: Okay Behwie. You pwomised dis time! (Bounds away) Wheeeee!

Bear waits 5 beats or so and walks around to the cat door into the house.

Bear: (to himself) What an idiot.

They're Cats! Yeah!
Adorable Cats! Yeah!
Chasin' String, and Eatin' Fish, and Sucking Thumbs!
They're Cats! Yeah!

Walt Disney World... For ALIENS

I'm about 4 months away from my next trip to the glorious Walt Disney World.

Because it's starting to loom again, I've been thinking more and more about my plan and more and more about how I want to spend my time once I'm there. The more time I've spent down there, the more creative I've got to be in order to keep finding new things... Don't get me wrong, I could do the traditional tours every day for the rest of my life and be happy, but why?

So I wouldn't call myself jaded, but certainly harder to impress. Lately I've started thinking about what it was like to be a Disney Virgin, and that led me into thinking about the iconic attractions in all of Walt Disney World.

So here it is...

The 5 Attractions I'd recommend to Aliens if they could only experience 5, and wanted to understand the very essence of Walt Disney World. (It's a working title.)

Man...this is really tough. I've consulted Annie from Fend to Blog on this as well, and she's in agreement that this is really difficult. It's almost too confining to someone who cares as much as me. I mean... I LOVE things like the Tomorrowland Transit Authority, and in a way it's very Disney in that no other place would really spend that much time on what is essentially a cute time diversion, but can I really use up one of my 5 items on it? Same with something like Rock 'n' Roller Coaster at the Studios. It's a great ride, and maybe one of the 5 best rides in the joint, but does it scream Disney? I dunno... Here's what I'm gonna do... I'm going to list as many candidates as I can and rate them. Maybe as I go, I'll come up with some sort of criteria.
Whew... Okay... I'll try to be as brief as possible... (stop laughing.)



The Magic Kingdom Candidates


Space Mountain: The PROS: Probably the most famous Disney Roller Coaster. It IS iconic in that everyone knows about Space Mountain. It's an actually exciting ride even once you get past the gimmick of being in the dark. It's one of the oldest rides in the park (1975), so it's popularity is hard to argue with. CONS: Aside from being futuristically themed to fit into the Tomorrowland theming, there's not really a whole lot that says DISNEY here. I'll give it a 7 out of 10.

Splash Mountain: The PROS: It's really popular. It's really fun. It's AMAZINGLY themed. It's long, so you get a ton of bang for your line-waiting buck. CONS: It's based on a somewhat embarrassingly racist movie (Song of the South) and has thus been underplayed for years. Still an 8 out of 10.

Big Thunder Mountain: The PROS: Pretty much everything about Space Mountain is also true about Big Thunder, except it's not as famous. It's faster. CONS: Um... It's basically no different than Space Mountain in terms of what it brings to the table. Good theming. Good ride. Not super Disney-ish otherwise. Maybe a personal favorite, but for this a 6 out of 10.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The PROS: I mean... my god. It's probably the most famous ride at the park. It's the only ride that's spawned a movie franchise. It's a phenomenal example of Disney Theming. The historical impact of this ride (the last one that Walt directly worked on..well..the Disneyland version.) The audio-animatronics are still great. The updates they did to include the movie characters are all smooth. I approve. CONS: Um... Pirates are historically horrible people who probably shouldn't be glorified? That's about it. 9 out of 10.

Haunted Mansion: The PROS: Technologically speaking... it's incredible. The theming is out of this world. The holograms and the special effects are great. The ride cars (Doom Buggies) are one-of-a-kind. The ride incorporates the trademark humor that Disney is known for (an aside: I remember as a kid being scared of pretty much everything, and being super nervous about going into a Haunted House. By the time I exited, I was sold on Disney. It may have been the key moment for me.) CONS: Unlike Pirates, the movie it inspired was really bad. Annie pointed out that there really isn't a true "Disney" connection. It's a bit of a stand-alone. 8 out of 10.

It's a Small World: The PROS: Well... as much as I hate to admit it, this ride is truly iconic. The song alone is world-famous. Mary Blair is an Imagineering Icon. It makes a strong argument. CONS: Unless we want to drive the Aliens insane (and let's be honest, if the aliens want to know about Disney, they can't be all bad), we should probably not subject them to this ride. I've always wondered what sort of horrible thing the cast members there did to get assigned this ride. 7 out of 10. (10 out of 10 on mute, which is sadly impossible.)

Mickey's PhilharMagic: The PROS: This is the newest attraction on the Magic Kingdom list, and it really deserves some kind of consideration. The 3-D elements to this are the most well done I've ever seen. They're seemless. In terms of Disney character incorportation, it doesn't get any better. There's a great story to it. It never fails to make me a little emotional. CONS: I will admit that I absolutely hate the queue line for this ride. I've never had to wait long, because the thing seats so many people and I go early in the day, but the ventilation in there just isn't good. 8 out of 10.

The Enchanted Tiki Room: The PROS: It was one of Walts favorites. The original music (In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room!) is classic and extremely catchy. The bird animatronics were revolutionary (The birds BREATHE for god's sake.) CONS: It's not the original version anymore. Iago is annoying. It hardly has the same feel as the original. 5 out of 10.



Epcot Candidates

Soarin': The PROS: An absolutely breathtaking ride in a totally unexpected way. It's as peaceful a thrill ride as you can ever find. The ride mechanics are the only ones like it in the world (aside from it's twin in California). The fully sensory experience is very Disney in that Disney's goal is to completely immerse a visitor from start to finish. CONS: Nothing really "Disney" about it, aside from a trip to Disneyland at the end. The lines can be oppressive, and while the theming isn't bad, it's a little boring. 8 out of 10.

Spaceship Earth: The PROS: It's housed inside one of the most famous landmarks within all of WDW. (The big golf ball). Some of the refurbishments are really good. CONS: Overall, the refurb took away from it a bit. I miss the music. I miss Jeremy Irons. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic. 6 out of 10.

Test Track: The PROS: It definitely falls into the "Education is FUN!" genre that Disney seems to have perfected over the years. It has one of the best queue lines around. It's definitely fun to ride too. CONS: It's been sponsored by GM since it was built in the late 90s, and let's be honest... I'm not sure what the future of the Test Track is now that GM has fallen apart. I'd be a little nervous that I'd introduce this great ride to Disney Virgin Aliens and then it'd be gone when they came back. 7 out of 10.

Journey into Imagination: The PROS: FIGMENT!!! EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Okay... I'm the biggest Figment the Imagination Dragon fan in the world. I love him. He's aDORable! And he's a creation of the Disney Imagineers completely. The ride never has a wait, and it's air conditioned, which makes it extremely hot-day friendly. One of the greatest theme park songs of all (I have the Sheet Music!!) CONS: Many people believe this current incarnation is inferior to the original, but the Dream Catcher was creepy to me. PUT THAT ROTTEN TOMATO DOWN!! 7 out of 10.

Honey I Shrunk the Audience: The PROS: More really excellent 3-D effects than any other attraction. The interactive quality of it with the moving seats and the smells they pipe in is really entertaining. CONS: I have a hard time ever thinking about this space without thinking about Captain EO, which is weird. It's a fairly dated attraction now. I don't think that Honey I Shrunk the Kids has the legendary status you'd like with a permanent attraction. 6 out of 10.

World Showcase. The PROS: This is probably cheating by grouping them all together, but it's just a really fantastic attraction overall, and while I don't think that any individual piece is grand enough to discuss out of context, when taken as a whole, it's amazing. You have everything... Great restaurants. Great shops. Educational, yet breathtaking movies. Rides. It's a great slice of Americana (in that it's these Americanized versions of these places, fully sanctioned by the places.) CONS: It's big? I dunno. It's the best. 10 out of 10.



Disney's Hollywood Studios Candidates

Rock 'n' Roller Coaster: The PROS: As I mentioned above, it's a great ride. Probably the most exciting in terms of traditional ride types at the entire place. The theming is great. The connection with Aerosmith is really fun... but CONS: As I said... it's not really Disney. Really this is the same problem with everything at this park. This is the Park least connected to Disney (tonally) in general. 6 out of 10.

Tower of Terror: The PROS: As thrilling, in it's way, as any ride in WDW. (Especially if you like repeated plummets to certain death...which I don't.). It has arguably the most extensive and detailed theming of any ride in theme park history, and theming is what sets Disney apart from all the rest. The attention to detail is outstanding. They also created this randomized ride system that is pretty one-of-a-kind. CONS: Scary as fuck. Not really Disney. 8 out of 10.

The Great Movie Ride: The PROS: At one point, this was my favorite ride. I loved it. It has a great nostalgic feel to it that isn't really re-created anywhere else at the park. It shows a real love of the movies and movie magic. CONS: Most of the movies it discusses aren't Disney movies. The quality of the performers has significantly decreased in the last few years. 5 out of 10.

Lights! Motors! Action!: The PROS: It's probably the most advanced automobile stunt show I've ever seen. It's got some crazy good effects. CONS:.... NOT DISNEY. I mean... it's got the elements of the things Disney is famous for (the attention to details. The showmanship. The technologically superior presentation, but it's not Disney specific in terms of content (aside from a cameo from Herbie.) 6 out of 10.



Animal Kingdom Candidates:


Dinosaur!: The PROS: It's a great ride. It's really exciting. (Though it shakes you around pretty good.) It's got a Disney theme to it (The movie Dinosaur! is prominently featured in terms of the story), even if that theme was added retroactively. The queue line has one of my favorite in-joke "easter egg" type things I know, which is a true hallmark of Disney creativity. That's one of the things I love most about Disney... They layer so many elements into an attraction that they can be enjoyed multiple times. In this case there are red and yellow pipes running along the queue area, and they have a chemical equation on them. It turns out that the red one is labled with the chemical equation for Ketchup and the yellow one for Mustard. LOVE it! Also, the ride vehicles themselves constitute some of the most advanced ride technology ever created. If I told you, after riding that ride, and the ground is completely level, smooth concrete, you'd never believe me, and that has to do with the ride vehicles. CONS: I can't really think of any. It's kind of dark, thematically (the original title was "Countdown to Extinction", before the movie Dinosaur came out.) It can be scary for kids. 8 out of 10.

Expedition Everest: The PROS: It's the best pure ride in the park. The theming is incredible, and the look of it is beautiful. There's a term in the Disney-verse for landmarks that draw crowds from a distance. They call these "Weenies". This is the ultimate Weenie. You can see it from almost anywhere in the park, and it looks AMAZING. This is another example of exemplary ride technology as well. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a roller coaster of this type going backward and forward with this much precision. THE TRACK MOVES!! Oh, and also it has the worlds most advanced audio-animatronic figure in The Yeti. CONS: Again... pretty scary for kids, but I'm a great big roller coaster pussy and I love it. 10 out of 10.

Kilimanjaro Safari: The PROS: This is one of the most unique experiences you can have at Disney World. It's difficult to describe how cool it is to be THAT close to animals you usually would only see on TV. That's sort of the essence of the Disney experience at it's very heart. CONS: This is going to sound crazy, but the most "Disney" part of the attraction is also the dumbest part. The "Save Little Red" storyline is dumb. I think that Disney seems to get this, though as it felt pretty downplayed the last couple of times I've ridden. Some of my fellow readers will disagree about how cool this ride is, but I am going to chalk that up to we Cincinnatians being jaded to seeing live animals since we have a great Zoo here. 8 out of 10.

Festival of the Lion King: The PROS: This is probably the best live show at any of the parks. The music and characters are straight from the movie, and are so popular and so recognizable. I'm rarely moved by the sappy "Kid sees their favorite characters for the first time" bit, but this show gets to me more than most. The ability of the performers varies from cast to cast, but all are working on a high level. CONS: Um... it's hard to put my finger on, but I guess I've always felt that no matter how great a show it, it's still barely more than a diversion. That's probably why I don't have any night shows or parades listed. 7 out of 10.

It's Tough to be a Bug: The PROS: The setting (inside the Tree of Life) is extremely cool and dramatic. The theming is awesome. (I especially love the fake movie posters in the queue area). The effects are pretty good. The Hopper animatronic figure is CRAZY cool. It's fun to watch the little kids freak the fuck out when he shows up. CONS: Kids freak the fuck out. The show's a little short, so unless the wait is short too... it's hard to justify. The film could use some cleaning...it's getting old. 7 out of 10.

Phew... this has become insane..

So here's where we stand:

DEFINITELY IN (1o out of 10s)
EXPEDITION EVEREST (Animal Kingdom)
WORLD SHOWCASE (Epcot)

ALSO IN (9 out of 10)
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

That leaves me 2 spots to fill and the following choices that received 8 out of 10s:
Kilimanjaro Safari
Dinosaur!
Tower of Terror
Soarin'
Mickey's PhilharMagic
Haunted Mansion
Splash Mountain

Gosh this is hard. (That's what she said...)

Okay... so here's what I'm going to do I'm going to create 5 categories and give them a gut feeling rating (out of 10) in all 5. The 2 with the highest Aggregate Score get selected.

The Categories Are:
Icon Status: Would someone who had never been to Disney World before have the slightest idea of what this was by just hearing the words?
Uniqueness: Can a ride like this be found anywhere else?
Details: What kind of Disney-esque elements are added that set it apart from similar rides elsewhere?
Nostalgic Feelings: When I think about going to Disney on my darkest days, do I think about this ride?
Disney Essence: Does something about this ride say "Disney"? Be it characters, or technology, or theming?

Kilimanjaro Safari
ICON: 4
UNIQUE: 8
DETAILS: 5
NOSTALGIA: 7
ESSENCE: 7
TOTAL: 31

Dinosaur!
ICON: 3
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 6
NOSTALGIA: 5
ESSENCE: 6
TOTAL: 29

Tower of Terror
ICON: 8
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 10
NOSTALGIA: 3
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 38

Soarin'
ICON: 7
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 8
NOSTALGIA: 10
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 42

Mickey's Philharmagic
ICON: 2
UNIQUE: 7
DETAILS: 7
NOSTALGIA: 8
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 32

Haunted Mansion
ICON: 9
UNIQUE: 9
DETAILS: 9
NOSTALGIA: 10
ESSENCE: 7
TOTAL: 44

Splash Mountain
ICON: 9
UNIQUE: 8
DETAILS: 10
NOSTALGIA: 5
ESSENCE: 8
TOTAL: 40

So here they are Folks


The 5 Attractions that Most Encapsulate the Disney Experience:

Expedition Everest



Epcot's World Showcase



Soarin'



Pirates of the Caribbean



Haunted Mansion

The Perfect Game

"There's nothing wrong with a one-hitter, there, Barbie. In fact, it's miraculous. And I won't have you of all people cheapen what should be an endless pursuit of perfection just because you want the world to laugh with you tonight."
-- Dr. Cox, Season 1 Episode 12 of Scrubs "My Blind Date"

Baseball is my favorite sport. I've been told lately that I toss around the word "Favorite" a lot, but baseball really truly is my favorite. Has been since I was but a tot. For some reason it's always spoken to me on a deeper level than any other sports.

There are a lot of reasons... I'm hopelessly sentimental, and I have dozens of warm memories from my childhood that revolve around baseball. I love arguing, and there's no better sport to debate (Barry Larkin vs. Greg Maddux for 1995 MVP... GO!). I love history, and what sport has a richer, more colorful history than baseball?

Those are all big reasons for me... but maybe the biggest correlates to this gut feeling that baseball just makes sense on a cosmic level. I've stated, probably entirely unoriginally, that I believe baseball is a beautiful allegory for life in microcosm. I was discussing this recently with the Decidedly-UnBeefy Muchacha (I'm working on a cooler nickname for her), and she suggested that I get it down on pixel here in the blog. So here it is...

Baseball as Life.

Despite the claims to the contrary, life IS fair.
Everyone says that life's not fair, but I totally disagree. Life often sucks. Life is rarely balanced. When you look at life's individual moments, many of them are unfair. However, when you look at life as a whole... the WHOLE fucking thing, it all pans out exactly the way it should. I'm not saying that it's always good, because, let's be honest here... people often equate "fair" and "good for them", and that's just wrong, but it's exactly how things SHOULD be. Same with baseball. It's not a sprint, but a marathon. You NEVER see a team win the World Series without earning it. I'll use this year as an example... The Kansas City Royals and The Florida Marlins both started the season super hot. We're now about 60 games into the season and they are both currently in 4th place in their respective divisions... There are no pretenders in baseball... Sure you'll occasionally get a really weak division where a bad team makes the playoffs, but you don't see them winning.
The overall point is that Life is long like a 162 game baseball season. There are peaks and valleys, streaks and slumps... but in the end you always end up right where you should.

Everybody gets the same chance.
I said it. I know that on the surface this seems patently false. People are born in slums or mansions. People have phyisical advantages. People have genetic advantages. That's all true, and that's not at all what I'm talking about. On a spiritual level we're all given the same chance to be a good person. To make smart choices. To be upstanding. That's a pretty twee things to say... I know. I acknowledge that everyone has different obstacles in their way. I would contend, though, that everyone HAS obstacles. In baseball, these same issues arrise. Each team has the same number of innings. The same number of outs. Each batter has the same number of strikes and balls. And as with life, there are obstacles. A home team bats second. Certain ball parks are better suited to different styles of play. Some players are naturally better than others. The more important factor, though, is that every game is played by the same defined standards. It doesn't end in a tie (except for one dumb All Star game). I know if I'm going to the ball park, I'm gonna see 9 Innings. Every time.

Everyone has a style.
Earl Weaver, famous baseball manager, is associated with the game style philosophy of "Pitching, Defense, and the Three Run Homer". On the other hand Whitey Herzog won a World Series without a real power hitter (sorry Keith Hernandez fans) playing nothing but small ball. The point is, there are more ways to win than there are stars in the sky. Just like life. Some people toil and chip away and work every day of their life. Hitting singles and doubles and taking their walks and stolen bases. This works for them...they end up with a lot of successes based on small movements. Other people build up for the big score (the home run). They put all of their eggs in one basket and sometimes it works out, and when it does it's HUGE. Sometimes it doesn't, and they have nothing to fall back on.

The quote I listed at the top of this entry is from one of the best episodes of the first season of Scrubs... Dr. Cox has 27 patients on his watch, and he's trying to get through the whole night without one of them dying (likening it to a perfect game in baseball). He makes it to the very end of the shift... five minutes to go, and one does. Elliott, trying to help, wants him to just wait 5 minutes before calling the death, and he shoots her down using the beautiful words above.

For me, it more than anything, perfectly sums up why I love baseball, and why baseball and life are one and the same.

You always, in life as well as baseball, aim for the absolute top. Batting .400... Pitching a perfect game...Whatever personal achievement that equates in your life. And rarely will you achieve those goals. Only one guy in the last 70 years has hit .400. Only 17 perfect games have been thrown in Major League history. If you measure success in such black and white terms... "I'm only a success if I can purchase my own jet." You're going to be pretty miserable. However, if you can look at the little successes.... Turning a beautiful double play or lining a double into the gap. Throwing a one hitter.... Those are small things that contain trememdous beauty. If you can savor the minor successes, you're going to be happy. Life will be fair and balanced. Maybe not always good, but fair.

Performance Enhancers

I was listening to a podcast today by Bill Simmons, and he made an interesting reference. He was talking about "Lost" and he made some comment relating to Sun (the Korean lady) going off the P.E.D.s. (Performance Enhancing Drugs) I found it interesting for a couple of reasons...

1) I knew exactly what he was talking about immediately, and it's the sort of reference that wouldn't have made sense out of context even 5 years ago. That feels like an absolutely upsetting factoid to me. Like... I hate that steroids have become so pervasive in our society that they can become colloquial.

2) It's really an interesting usage. He's basically saying that for some reason or another the actress has gone from being really good to really bad for no discernable reason (like Big Papi or Travis Hafner). The clear implication in sports is that these players have gone off the steroids and now are playing down to their natural level (or even worse due to the side-effects of the drugs creating an accelerated breakdown).

You all know by now how much I love my metaphors and the longer it'll stretch, the more self-satisfied I become. In honor of Bill Simmons, here's my list of things that suddenly are off those P.E.D.s. No real discernable logic to the categories... Whatever comes to mind.

Movie Series...
Indiana Jones. As much as it pains me to admit it... The most recent Indiana Jones movie really fucking sucked. I mean... there were things I liked, but I honestly can't tell if I liked them just because they were Indiana Jones related or if they were actually cool. Even the thing at the beginning with the action sequence in the warehouse in Area 51 was cool and fun, but the other night when I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade reminded me how effing awesome it was, and how (if I'm being honest) disappointed I was in the new one.

X-Men... Honorable Mention (Including Wolverine... what a mess.)

Actor
Juaquin Phoenix. Come ON dude. What the fuck happened? You were so great in Walk the Line and Gladiator. You were the only watchable thing in Signs. I just don't get it man... I know you've had some tough times in your life, what with the inevitable comparisons to your brother who was touted as the next James Dean or whatever. But you've gone and got insane. Not even a little. I mean... Sean Penn is a nut, and kind of full of himself in a totally insufferable and no-self-awareness kind of way, but he's stayed strong throughout all of the bullshit. If you could have seen yourself acting like Bobby Fischer on Letterman... that shit makes me sad. You've got skills.

Cuba Gooding Jr. ... Honorable Mention

Actress
Kate Hudson. This isn't exactly new ground, I realize, but Almost Famous was so, SO good. I realize that's a lofty bar to set for yourself right out of the gate, but Bride Wars and those horrible...HORRIBLE rom-coms with Matthew McConaughey (sp?) aren't exactly doing you any favors. I get they're popular, but please do something that's even remotely of the same quality once. ONCE. Are you just not getting any offers? I don't think there's any logically good reason for you to be in a movie with Dane Cook or Jason Biggs. Especially when you're not getting top billing. YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR A FUCKING OSCAR. God.

Mira Sorvino.... Honorable Mention

Television Show
The easy answer here is Heroes, because the first season was so good, and the next 2 seasons have been uneven at best, and at worst pretty effing bad. However... I'm gonna go with a far more universally beloved show... Scrubs. I'd put the first 3 seasons of Scrubs up against literally any show on television ever. It had everything... Hilarious episodes that make you laugh over and over again. Really, really emotionally effecting episodes that made you want to watch it again because you were just spellbound. And then... I don't know what happens. Season 4 wasn't BAD exactly, but it wasn't good either. It's almost like they read a little too many of their own press clippings (I'm talking to you Zach Braff). Actually... I take it back. I know exactly what happens. Zach Braff starts reading his own press, takes more creative control over the show, and loves himself just a little too much. J.D. became an imbecile. The supporting characters became more and more one-dimensional. It just started trying too hard. Yes... they've gone through a bit of a renaissance this year after they jumped to ABC, and yes...they're coming back again with no J.D. at all, which is only a positive, but it went from being a great show to being a decent show. That makes me sad.

Heroes... Honorable Mention

Directors
M. Night Shyamalan. Another no-brainer for me... His first 2 movies are, in my opinion, masterpieces. Not everyone agrees with me entirely about Unbreakable, but it's one of my favorite movies. Either way, The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable both are great flicks. And then... we all realized what a one-trick pony the guy is. It's all about the twist with him. Once people started going in expecting the twist, they got exactly that and then where's the fun. The film-making itself was pretty strong still, but the stories just weren't. A lot of people say that he should try his hand at directing someone else's material. I dunno... You start off with "He's been dead the whole time!! Holy SH!T!!." and you get to "Samuel L. Jackson is a bad mother fuc!er!!" there's nowhere to go but down. The biggest tragedy is... both Signs (they're afraid of water?? BOOOO) and The Village (It's modern day?? BOOOOO) were good before they got to the twist and the twist is what fucked them. It makes me pretty mad just thinking about it, because his shit-face movies the past 10 years have basically queered the apparatus when looking at the good ones he made before that.

Cameron Crowe...Honorable Mention.

Tomorrow? The people who have gone the other way. We'll call them the Brady Anderson Awards...or the Bret Boone Awards.. The people or things that have suddently, and without warning gone from being pedestrian to being unstoppable for no reason at all.

On a Mission

I guess I can be kinda single-minded sometimes.

After doing that "Mature" survey last week, and then being sorely disappointed in the whole thing, because let's face it... it was as lame as every other survey, I've been on a hunt for an actually interesting one. I'm not going to make my blog a survey machine or anything, but until my shows are over (Saturday!!) I'm not going to have a ton of time to ruminate on other things, so call it laziness or whatever you want, but here's the best one I've found so far. If I don't find one better by the weekend, I'm doing my own. (I know Annie... I've said it before.)

Oh and also... If anyone thinks this isn't just an excuse for me to talk about myself in some sort of pseudo-introspective way...you've not been reading my blog very long.

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

I guess I'd have to say that it's harder for me to look someone in their eyes when I'm telling them how I feel. It's odd though, when I'm telling someone how I feel I usually have a very strong urge to look straight at them, and when I'm listening, I want to look away. It always ends up being the opposite in practice.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry?

I've been pretty mad at work a few times lately, but not like REALLY angry. I don't know. My mom has made me pretty upset, but that's more exasperation than anger. I don't think I get super angry very often.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

Before I answer this, I wanna know why the question feels compelled to provide a city pair for this imaginary flight. I think the situation would be the same whether I was on an 8 hour flight (like the one mentioned) or a 2 hour flight like Cincinnati to Orlando (far more plausible for me.) I mean.. come on Survey! Get out of your own way...you're doing so much better than the others so far.

Aaaaaanyway... I'm not sure I could call anyone in my family. I mean... my first inclination would be to call my dad, but if I'm reading the rules right I would only be able to talk to him, and then my mom would live with the idea that I didn't call her, and Dee Anne too... not that she'd expect she'd be the first call, but I wouldn't like knowing there was that proximity without being able to talk. Maybe Briana... Because she's my sister and I think I could say everything I needed to say to her, and she'd report it faithfully to all of the parties and nobody would feel slighted. Then again... maybe I'd call someone totally random... like I'd just call work or something. Tough question.

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (B) What do you do with your remaining days? (C) Would you be afraid?

This is a good survey so far, but dark...geez.
a) I tell at least a couple of people. I don't know who, but I don't think I could keep it to myself. I do like attention sometimes...
b) I'd first make sure that everyone important to me knew exactly how much they mean to me. The challenge there is to do so in a way that isn't obvious or just because I'm dying (even though technically I wouldn't be doing it if I weren't). People need to know they're loved. Then I'd go to Disney.
c) I think so.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?

I think that if it means I'm only capable of one or the other, I'd go with love. If it means I'd only be either trusted or loved, I'd still go with love... I think. I don't necessarily think they are mutually exclusive.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. Do you save the dog?

I absolutely save the dog. No question. No choice at all. And c'mon... if your boss is the kind of person to fire you when you show up soaking wet, covered in dog hair, after saving a pooch... that job sucks anyway.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her?

I don't know... It's never been an issue before. Guilt does tend to make me sick, so I guess if it did happen, I'd eventually come clean, but I've never had the urge to cheat.

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

I don't think so. That's not always the answer, but in this case... when the person in question didn't want to be living anyway, I think I'd keep my year.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I try to be that kind of friend. I really try. Sometimes I fail... I recently missed out on something particularly important because I was bad at communicating. It makes me really sad actually.

10. Does love = sex?

I mean... the simplest answer is no. Love does not equal sex. I do think that sex is an important aspect of romantic relationships. Not just the having of sex, but the not having as well. Lack of sex can sometimes be a telling sign of problems. Sometimes it can be a sign of respect, or sincerity, or true feelings. Often sex and love aren't tied at all, and that creates problems too... People feel used, or neglected, or objectified. It's not a simple answer at all though... Sex and Love are related, but they are not equal. They can't be.

11. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

No. I've been without a job, and it absolutely sucks, but unless you know for a fact they'd do the same for you... It's too hard to find a job these days.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?

Wednesday night of this week. And as for "how"? I guess only time will tell. My general feeling on the subject is that it's always better to lay it out there and hope they can handle it, as opposed to keeping it in and feeling all bound up.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?

Definitely the latter. If I love someone, they'll know it soon enough. I have a difficult time keeping that particular light under that particular bushel. It hasn't happened often, though, which is good. On the other hand... I am absolutely terrible at telling people bad news when emotions are involved. Or at least when I know them personally. I think I'd be a great patient advocate at a hospital, because I hear I'm very comforting, but when my own feelings are part of it, when it's something that I am doing directly... it's hard for me.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?

I think my voice. Not just singing, but in general. I talk a lot. I love the English language. I love being able to articulate my thoughts as they are happening. That would be very difficult.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Wednesday night as well. A different portion of Wednesday night. I'll just say that I have good friends and I love them. I was going through something and they gots my back. This question could either be really cool or really boring...depending on how close you are with your family.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?

First... I do have regrets. I don't believe people who say they don't. Second... I don't think I can pick just one, so I'm going to do 2, which is still not even close to covering it.

a) I would absolutely have shopped colleges a bit more. After I got in to Wright State, my first choice (and least expensive that I'm aware of) I sort of stopped looking. That was a mistake.

b) I would absolutely have done everything I could to keep teaching. I left on my own because I was broke, but looking back, it was the only job I've had that mattered. And I liked it. And I was good at it.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?

I don't think I'd call anyone. I don't see myself calling anyone. Yeah... definitely not.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?

This is tricky, because I don't know CPR, so... I'd likely do more harm than good. Assuming I did know it... yeah... I'd do it. Dirt washes off. Anti-biotics are readily available.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. Which one do you save?

Sorry Grandma. I'd save the newborn. I'd like to think that you'd agree with my choice.

20. Are you old fashioned?

In some ways I'm VERY old fashioned. In many ways, I'm not. I'd say that I've got a fairly liberal world view, which is not old-fashioned at all. (The drag queens I call friends would agree). I am a firm believer in love, which is old fashioned. Some would even say antiquated. I'm a hybrid...but I'd like to think the good kind.

21. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?

Absolutely, 100%, without a doubt... I choose love. Heart break is a fact of life. It sucks a whole, whole lot, but it's a sweet pain, because it tells you that you can feel. God that's sappy, but it's true. If you have lived a life where you can feel heart break, that means you lived a life with love. I'd rather that any day.

22. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?

I think that, at the moment, I'd wish for financial independence. From whatever. I don't mind work at all, but I think the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do and not worry about money would be nice.