The Sex-Crazed Mormon Basketball Star

I promise not to use the phrases "tiger blood" or "duh, winning!" or "goddesses", Oh, and I promise doubly to not mention Charlie Sheen, or the drug of the same name.

I'm a big sports fan, and among my favorite sports, college basketball is near the top. Late last week, a really interesting situation arose at everyone's favorite Mormon University and their basketball team.

Brigham Young University's basketball team has been exceptionally good this season. Possibly the best they've ever been. They have a breakout star on the team, whose name is Jimmer. He's a scoring machine, and largely as a result of his dominance, BYU has shot up the national rankings.

Late last week, though, BYU kicked their 2nd best player, Brandon Davies, right the hell off the team. A move that significantly hinders their chances in the upcoming NCAA Tournament.

So, what did Davies do? He didn't assault a fellow student. He didn't cheat on an exam. He didn't get caught doing drugs. He didn't go to the Salt Lake City Zoo, murder a tiger, wear it's tiger pelt, and drink it's tiger blood (SHIT!!).

He had sex with his girlfriend. And then admitted to it.

Yup... That's all. Not to steal the comments of others, but all Davies did was exactly what I planned and hoped and plotted to do every minute of every second of college with any number of goddesses (DAMN!!) , except during the select few moments I succeeded.

Had there been a chance that this kind of thing could get me kicked out of school, or out of a play or whatever, I would have almost certainly risked it.

And here he owns up to his actions to his university, and they summarily remove him from his team, and threaten to remove him from the school.

The thing is... I think the school isn't wrong, exactly.

When a student goes to BYU, the rules are made crystal clear. You can not drink. You can not smoke. You can not consume drugs (including caffeine). You can not engage in pre-marital sex. Even with your serious girlfriend. These are known going in.

It's not like with me, at my job, when after 3 years of being paid a certain way, I was told that my whole pay structure was changing, and I could either accept it or find a new job. That's changing the rules after I'm waist deep in it.

Brandon Davies knew the rules before he decided to go to BYU. He knew them well enough that he told on himself after he broke the rules.

The rules are clear, the punishments are detailed beforehand. The school simply followed through with the ruling that they say was predetermined 100 years ago or whatever.

So, maybe the school wasn't wrong. Exactly. But I wonder if it's the right decision anyway.

I wonder if it's fair to the rest of the basketball team, and the dedicated fans who have longed for a successful team. I know in the military (at least in the movies), the actions of one soldier can result in the punishment of the whole unit. Is that legit? Wouldn't the argument be that poor Jimmer and the rest of team has had one goal for a whole season, which is, you know.. duh, winning, (FUCK!) and one horny player getting his rocks off with his girlfriend has potentially short circuited that goal.

I wonder if it's really fair to the student. Listen, I'm not saying that the oath they take is unimportant. I think it is important, but I also know how I was when I was 20. Promising not to have sex while I'm sitting in a sterile Dean's office signing an oath is a lot different than asking me to stand by that promise when I'm sitting on my couch watching some sexy movie with my sexy girlfriend. It's a lot to ask from a kid. Ask Charlie Sheen (CRAP!) how difficult self-restraint is. Maybe it is reasonable to ask, and maybe I'm cutting the kid too much slack, but what about the responsibility a school has to educate?

When I was a freshman, I was cut from a musical theater program for some reason or another, and was basically told that I needed to go to school somewhere else if I wanted to learn about what I cared about. I've always wondered if that was really serving the function of an institute of learning. If I was passionate, and willing to learn, and try to get better... how could they justify kicking me to the curb, even if I made mistakes.

Shouldn't the school give the kid a chance to correct himself? Isn't there a probation? Isn't there leniency to be had since he admitted it?

I dunno.. I see both sides, but I am also troubled by the situation on a human level. Logically, yes... Brandon Davies broke the rules that he knew were rules. He was basically punished exactly as expected. But damn... I feel for the poor horny kid who made a mistake that had it been any other kid at any other school, he would have simply exchanged high fives with his teammates.

I guess this is starting to head toward being more a "Are Mormons, or ANY religions for that matter, responsible to adjust their expectations to a more modern slant." Maybe it's not realistic anymore to expect a passionate celibacy.

But that's for another blog. That's what we call a teaser, because THAT'S how I roll.

12 Days to Disney: It's That Time of Year

There are 12 Days left of this Epic Blog Countdown. When I wrote "12 Days to Disney" the first thing I thought of was the Twelve Days of Christmas song that makes people insane every year, but then I thought to myself:

"Hey... Holidays at Disney World are AWESOME! I should write a blog about that!"

So here I am.

I'm not an overly religious person (or a religious person at all for that matter), but even I get into the holiday spirit from time to time, and I'll readily admit that it's difficult to ignore how beautiful the whole experience is when Disney does it.

They really go all out... There are trees in every park (non-denominational, of course) and buntings and lights everywhere. Things are "Winterized" and it's just super pretty. There's the Osborne Family (no... not THAT Osborne family) Holiday light display, which was basically inspired by some crazy dude in Arkansas decking his house with so many lights that it was visible from space or something.

The Grand Floridian has a giant gingerbread house. Most of the hotels have holiday themed decor set-up.

The characters are all dressed like Dickens characters. It's totally awesome.

Even the opening show is all Holidayed up... There's the opening show at Magic Kingdom with the train and Mickey welcoming all of the guests, and there are giant snowflakes and whatever else.

The last time I was there Mickey shouted "Happy Holidays Everybody!" and some crazy person shouted back "You mean Merry Christmas!!" and I swear Mickey nearly backhanded him....

That's a pet peeve of mine, by the way...the whole "They're stealing the holidays from Jesus" bullshit. For another blog.

In any case, I'm all for getting into the Non-denominational Holiday spirit, and nobody does it better, or prettier than Disney.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: In order to play Sulley from Monsters Inc. in the parks, what is the height range a person must fall within?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

15 Days to Disney: More Laughing at the Pain of Children

So you've probably noticed that I'm not above laughing at children. To my critics, I have a couple of things to say about that:

1) They're more then welcome to laugh at me, and let's be honest... They have a lot more material from which to harvest their mirth.

2) They're pliable. I read somewhere that a child's bones don't solidify until the hit puberty. (No...that's not a boner joke, but to those who went there... kudos). Because their bones are soft and bendy (out of the gutter I say!!) they are not easily damaged, so really the only thing that's injured are their prides.

3) If they had better balance, and if they weren't putting themselves in these precarious situations, I would have nothing to laugh at, so they have only themselves to blame.

4) Fuck you.

Why all of this preface? Because there's another thing I absolutely love to do at Disney when I need a breather.

First... you know those stupid-ass shoes the kids wear with the little wheels in the heels? I hate them. They are annoying. The kids seem to have absolutely no awareness of where they are in relation to all of the other people around them. All they care about is zipping around on those damned shoes.

Well... God has an equalizer. I've explained it to the Tofu Muchacha, and she now calls it the Hill of Doom. And that's really not bad.

So anyway... When I'm tired, and want to just chill for a minute while I'm at Epcot, I'll go to the Coca-Cola tent, grab me a Diet Coke, and go sit on this little innocuous bench over by Spaceship Earth.

The thing is... there's this slight little incline there on both sides on Spaceship Earth, and there are benches there to sit. For some reason, and I can't explain exactly why this is, because you'd think the kids with the damned shoes would be adept at navigating terrain, but I've seen more kids wipe out there than all other places combined. They come around the corner, and start to head down the hill, and I guess the grade is deceptive, because they just tumble headlong constantly.

No joke, I've seen 3 kids fall there. One of them careened into the bushes. If I had a full day at Epcot where I didn't feel the need to do everything (which is exactly what I'll have when I live down there and have my annual pass), I'd definitely just bring a picnic lunch and sit on that bench and laugh and laugh and laugh at those stupid little kids with their stupid little shoes. I know it's sadistic, but they deserve it. And their parents deserve to hear their stupid crying.

Here's the thing... Most of the things I love about Disney are very pure and nice and lovely. A few of them better serve my puckish side, and this is one of those.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: In Spaceship Earth, the character in the "Greek Play" scene is delivering lines from what play?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

Boo Fucking Hoo

Alright, so things are happening in my life that are totally bumming me out (a phrase that I seem to be using more and more frequently.) In any case, I'm an asshole, because things are actually pretty good, and even the good things are bumming me out. Let me list the ways:

1) I auditioned for 2 plays this past week. I have an acting degree, but since I'm employed in a "real job" and not a professional actor anymore, I actually hadn't auditioned for a show of any kind for almost 2 years. It'd literally been since August of 2006. Well... my schedule changed (I'll get to that in a sec), so I now have the freedom to perform again. Great right? Yeah. So...I pick 2 shows to audition for...one in the Fall(Noises Off), and one in the Spring (Messiah on the Frigidaire). So I go on Tuesday for Noises Off, it goes well, and I think I've got a pretty good shot. I go on Wednesday for MOTF and again...things go well. I'm especially excited about that one, because there are a couple of people I've wanted to act with for a while, and I figure I'll get the chance.
I know it seems like I'm gonna say I'm bummed because I didn't get cast in these shows. You'd be incorrect if that was your guess. In fact, I got in BOTH shows. I was cast as Lloyd in Noises Off. The LEAD. And awesome as that is... I'm bummed. Why? Because I didn't get the part I wanted in the other show. Waaaa waaaaa. I'm such an asshole. There are people who audition for 20 shows a year with the hopes of getting in 1, and I am 2 for 2 and I find shit to bitch about.

2) Work's been crazy lately for a couple of reasons. Still, you should be aware that it's been crazy because of my promotion. Or... I'm sorry.... "Job Restructuring" to provide me more responsibility, and a different job title, and other things. Thta's good right? Welllll....I'm sure I can find some fault with it... The thing is...it's been kinda stressful. The schedule has changed, so I'm no longer on a 4 day work week. I no longer have 3 days off in a row. I have to drive to work one more day a week. Oh...and a dude I thought was my friend seems to be upset with me about it. I know... I'm upset because a dude who wasn't "restructured" and whose schedule has been changed to accommodate MY "restructuring" isn't busting with glee at the changes. I have it so fucking hard, huh?

Oh...and now I'm talking to a pretty cool lady (literally talking...not that code where "talking" means "sort of dating") who actually seems to enjoy talking to me, and instead of just enjoying the conversation and being my fun self, I am a huge downer because I'm stewing about this other shit that has nothing to do with her. Smooooth.

So I guess the moral of this blog, which may very well be deleted by tomorrow, is that I seem to be able to find negatives in what should be positive sitatuations. I'm in two plays that I wanted to be in. I'm being "positively restructured". I'm actually not hating my social life. Nope...not good enough. I should just shut the fuck up.

Elevators. From the Archives

Another quality post from the past. Enjoy.

Original Subject: Beefy Muchacho's Laws of Elevator Etiquette.
Original Posting Date: 1/29/2006
Original Posting Site: Xanga

"The Beefy Muchacho's Laws of Elevator Etiquette"

1) Do NOT speak to strangers on the elevator. There are a few exceptions
a) You may speak to an attractive person in a playful manner. Careful to keep it PLAYFUL
b) You may speak to a stranger if they engage you in conversation first. They may have broken the social contract, but that doesn't give you license to be rude.

2) Do NOT take the elevator up only one floor. There are a few exceptions
a) If you are crippled or injured in some way, you may use the elevator. I mean...I'm not heartless.
b) If you are carrying something that is 20 pounds or heavier, you may use the elevator.

3) Do NOT take the elevator DOWN either one OR two floors. The same exceptions apply as in Law #2.

4) If you are in a conversation with someone and your respective destinations are different floors, choose 1 of those floors and get out to finish the conversation.

5) Do NOT stand in front of the elevator while people who are currently ON the elevator are trying to exit. (This is so damned annoying. How is it any different than standing in a doorway, blocking the way out for others. Just wait your fucking turn).

6) Do NOT, if you are on the 2nd Floor of a building, press the "Down" button and then take the stairs if one of the elevators don't immediately open. This causes all of the elevators to end up on the 2nd floor, a place where it should never be in the first place.

7) Do NOT hold the elevator door open while you complete a conversation outside the elevator. It's nice that you don't have to be somewhere, but other people might.

Okay...that's all I have to say about the elevator codes for now. Please...for the love of Pete, take the damned stairs folks. PLEASE.