Hole-y Crap

Hey Folks--

It is now my new mission to see a full episode of the new Fox game show "Hole in the Wall".

Once I have, I promise a full report.

Just so you all know.

I'll Annoy Birds Whenever I Like, HAWAII.

Hey Folks-

I decided to try a writing exercise where I asked for a blog topic and tried to come up with something coherant without preparation.. I'm not sure how it'll go...we'll see.
So...the suggestion:

Where would I live if I could live anywhere, if I break it down and decide by categories?

Places (in America) Dan Would Live...

Based on Signature Food
Let's assume I could eat what I wanted for the purpose of this exercise. There are a ton of foods I love. I love barbeque, so I could easily find myself settling in Kansas City or Memphis or North Carolina. I love mac and cheese so I could see myself living in Wisconsin. Tex Mex is fantastic so San Antonio would make sense. Chowder? Boston for sure... For me though... the choice is easy. There's nothing more delicious, to me, than a good Chicago style pizza. Pizza is great in any form, but the deep and gooey Chicago style is my favorite. Pizzeria Uno or Giordanos...damn it's good. A large pizza could easily feed 4 people, and probably shouldn't feed any fewer... Chicago gets bonus points because they also have a signature hot dog that happens to be my favorite dog iteration as well. (Dog, Mustard, relish, onions, pickle spear, tomato slices, celery salt.) Good on you Chicago...Good on you.

Based on Funniest Law
This is a tough one... I'd love to go to Honolulu, but I'd clearly be arrested immediately, because it's illegal to annoy any birds in Honolulu. So...Hawaii's out. I have some friends in Hollywood, but it'd be hard for me to move in there, because it's illegal to drive more than 2000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I can tell you I'd never move to Newcastle, Wyoming, because it's illegal to make love in a freezer. In Pinecrest, Florida citizens can't tow a sled behind their bicycles. Here in my home state of Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk. No no... While all of those places are very appealing to me, despite their laws, I clearly would move to Colorado where it is officially LEGAL to tear the tags off of pillows and mattresses.

Based on Sports Teams

Basically, what I'm saying here is that the Bengals and Reds are an embarrasment and I want live in a city that isn't the perpetual doormat that Cincinnati is, athletically speaking. Clearly, Boston would be the best choice. The Red Sox are great. The Celtics are great. The Patriots are great. But seriously...where's the fun in that? I mean... if I was from there, it'd be one thing. I'd have earned the success. There are a few places I can't live.... Indianapolis. Peyton Manning is probably the devil. New York and LA also have athletes whom I despise. (Kobe...A-Rod...I'm talking to you.).. No no... I think I have to go with New Orleans. The Saints are a likeable team with a likeable star (Drew Brees not Reggie Bush). They do all of the things the Bengals don't *cough* Sedrick Ellis *cough*. And then there's Chris Paul and the New Orleans Jazz (Hornets). The biggest drawback is that there's not baseball very close by, but it's not like there is here in Cincinnati either *Rimshot*.

Based on Night-Time Activities

This clearly isn't a choice, right? Isn't the clear answer here Las Vegas?

Based on Day-Time Activities
Much like the last one...this one is a no-brainer without any real second choices for me.. Orlando for sure.

Based on Educational Experiences
Well, I suppose it's sort of dependent on what you consider educational experiences, or what educational experiences you consider valuable... Do you value the proximity of educational institutions? Well, then Massachusetts is the place for you. Do you like going to museums? Washington D.C. may be the way to go. If you like actual historic sites, maybe Philadelphia. I'm definitely a Washington D.C. guy. There's soooo much to see. The Smithsonians. The monuments. The memorials. The infrastructure of government. In fact, I've been wanting to go back again. I haven't been for a while.

Based on Scenery

Another one that is dependent on the meaning of the category... If you're into cleavage and the pretty ladies maybe Malibu or Miami Beach is right for you. For the record, this is not the scenery I'm referring to. I am referring to nature's scenery. Maybe you go in for a rushing river... in that case Montana might be right. Or a beautiful beach... Malibu again? St. Augustine? Hilton Head? Rocky coast line... Maine maybe.. Oregon? I personally like mountains and prairies, which puts me squarely in the Jackson Hole, Wyoming camp. Just feast on the vistas... Sigh...

Hmm.... Any other categories?

"Keep Moving Forward"

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
-- Walt Disney

Hey Folks-

As I've alluded a couple of times, I've been working on a Disney related list. In fact, it's a Disney related list that may be considered a little controversial coming from me, considering the Disney Kool-Aid that I clearly mainline on a daily basis. I even asked my friend Annie (another Disney kook) to help me come up with ideas for it. She said she felt guilty even suggesting things. I know exactly how she feels. But then I remembered the quote by Walt Disney that leads off this blog. "We keep moving forward." If there was anyone who kept his finger on the pulse of the times, who looked for ways to always improve his product, to keep from irrelevancy, it was Walt Disney.

So...with that I give you:

Dan's Top 5 Things Disney World Needs to Change, Remove, or Improve

5) Make The Contemporary Hotel...um... Contemporary.
This one comes directly from Annie, and I thought about it a lot before adding it, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to consider the hotels, but clearly...that's silly. It's part of WDW, so it's fair game. Here's the thing, there are some really cool things at the Contemporary. Chef Mickey's has one of the best Character Breakfasts in WDW. California Grill is one of the highest rated (and priciest) restaurants in the Kingdom, and let's not forget the totally bad-ass Monorail Station (that goes through the middle of the building. These are all features that could easily appear again in the new iteration. Let's be honest though... the place (though currently going through interior refurbishment) doesn't LOOK contemporary anymore. It looks like it was one of those buildings built in the 70s to look "Futuristic". I actually think it's bordering on kitsch at this point. Now...I don't know if it just needs to be knocked down, and rebuilt. I don't even know if that'd be feasible, what with the monorail needing to go that way and whatnot. Still, there has to be a way to make it look like a sleek, modern building, while keeping the Disney charm.

4) Swiss Family...who?
See...now this is where I'm gonna start getting people riled. You know what? That's alright. I say it's time to get rid of the Swiss Family Treehouse. I know...I know... you loved it as a kid way back in 1981 or whenever. It's classic from Disneyland. There'd be protests like there was with Mr. Toad. I know all of those things. But let's be honest...how many kids today read the book (written in 1877) let alone have religiously watched the 1960 film? May as well call it.. "Treehouse" and it'd mean the same. I'm not saying that kids SHOULDN'T read the book or see the movie, but they aren't. On a practical level, the "attraction" takes up a shitload of space in Adventureland, and could so easily be used for other things. Or hey... How bout keeping the treehouse theme and make it "Tarzan and Turk's Treehouse" or "King Louie's Treehouse" or "Rafiki's Treehouse". I'm just sayin... there's better ways to utilize the space.

3) Witness...The Magic of.....Zzzzzzzzz
I am an on-the-record lover of Epcot's World Showcase. I think it's awesome. Easily one of my favorite features in the varied tapestry of WDW. That said, there's one thing that doesn't have much repeat value to me... The movies! The stupid, boring country-promoting movies. Of the 11 countries represented, 3 have these movies. (It used to be 4, but Norway wisely stopped showing theirs, which was probably the worst of them all.) These movies are boring. They aren't particularly interesting visually. They take up giant theaters that could be used for more things like Rio del Tiempo or The Maelstrom. Worst of all, they are dated. I actually would be totally cool with checking out a new one of these movies every time I was there, but it's been the same damned "O' Canada" movie every time I've ever gone to Epcot. That's now a time span of 15 years... (wow...15 years). Same with France. The worst part is that the people who work in these "Pavilions" are from these countries, and you feel like you're insulting them if you don't sit there and applaud for their country. Norway was the worst. You would ride the Maelstrom, and they'd make you...THEY WOULD MAKE YOU sit through their movie afterward. Ohhh the looks on the faces of those hurt (though buxom) Norwegian girls when you'd walk straight through the movie theater to the exit before the film started. Come on Disney! Save us all from an international incident. Please.

2) Safaris are ALREADY cool.
Kilimanjaro Safari at The Animal Kingdom is already one of my favorite attractions in all of WDW, and yet... there's thing nagging thing that's always bothered me. Okay...so... take a look at the picture from the ride up above... see that leathery creature with the long trunk? That's a real, live elephant! Why is this anything special on a safari ride? Well... because one of the things that Disney can probably be fairly accused of is... souping up things that don't really need souping. This ride/attraction has tons of real animals doing their own real thing...so why? WHY did Disney feel the need to create a manufactured, somewhat ridiculous storyline about saving "Little Red" the baby, animatronic elephant from poachers? WHY? I know that somewhere in there, there's a good message about conservation and protecting the protected species of our world and whatnot, but there's a strange dissonance that occurs when one moment you're seeing real, honest-to-god lions and elephants doing their real, honest-to-god thangs, and in the next moment you're listening to the vaguely offensive game-warden Wilson talking about catching poachers. It's just dumb and unnecessary in an attraction that is awesome in so many ways all on it's own. GET RID OF THE STORY!

1) Oh no! It's the Wicked Witch of the.... Line?"
The Great Movie Ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios (FKA MGM Studios) was my first "favorite ride". When I used to dream about working at Disney World there were 2 places that I wanted to work more than any other place... Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (no idea why) and The Great Movie Ride. See... it's a ride that involves actors! I thought that was the absolute, coolest thing ever. There's the Ride Car Conductor and the Gangster who busts out of that James Cagney movie and hijacks your car for a while. Then, as you're going through the Indiana Jones set, a "High Priest" gets rid of the Gangster and saves you. Then it's revealed that the High Priest is really your old Car Conductor! It's awesome. I've always thought it would be the most fun thing to do. I still do, actually. The problem is... well... the actors suck now. Maybe they always did, but they REALLY suck now. It's not like... you know... complicated. (I could recite all of the lines for you after the 3rd time I'd ridden.) It's fully automated, so it's not like it's different every time. Maybe that's the problem. You do it 25 times a day, and it's bound to get a little stale, but still.... Come ON. You're supposed to be creating movie god-damned magic here! I've noticed that the Gangster is usually the weaker of the 2 characters, and perhaps that's because the pool from which to choose is smaller (the other role can be a man or a woman), but it's still not hard, and you can ad-lib with the people a lot more, and it would be FUN. So please... please Disney... Please cast better actors for these parts. I'm begging you.


Some Honorable Mentions:
-- How bout some love for the new age of Disney? Hannah Montana? High School Musical? Jonas Brothers? These are the first giant stars of Disney since the late 50s with Annette and Cubby. Maybe a pavilion, or a ride for them.

-- Please do something better with Tom Sawyer Island. Please.

-- Update the movie scenes in Great Movie Ride.

-- Update the movie in Soarin'. Currently it's the same as the "Soarin' over California" ride at Disneyland. How 'bout a Soarin' Over America version?

-- Newer, more advanced animatronics on Jungle Cruise. Seriously...it's gettin pretty stank.

-- Go back to the old Tiki Room. The effin' thing has been "Under New Management" for like...10 years now. Plus, the old one was better.

So....there it is. I didn't design it this way, but each of the 4 parks are represented as well as the hotels. I think changing these things would only make the greatest place on Earth just that much greater.

Week 1 Football Picks

Hey Folks-

So, I apologize ahead of time. I'm sure that nobody aside from Alan will care at all about these, but the time has come for making my NFL picks.

Alan and I have done these for the past 3 years. He won the first 2 years, and we have no idea who won last year, because well... we both kinda flaked out before the end. No clue.

I'd like to give a shout-out to my true favorite football team, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats. Enjoy Oklahoma.

Thursday
Washington @ NY Giants: I picked the Redskins about 30 minutes before the game, so sadly... I have to stick to that. SKINS

Sunday
Detroit @ Atlanta: Kitna and Rudi...reunited and it feels so good. Oh...and Tatum Bell robbed Rudi on his way out the door. Delicious. LIONS

Seattle @ Buffalo: I have no faith in Losman in the long-term, but I do like him well enough, and I LOVE Lee Evans. BILLS

NY Jets @ Miami: The Dolphins should start showing marked improvement this year. Jake Long is a HUGE pickup for them. Ted Ginn may turn out okay too. I'd like to see Favre fuck up really badly, but I think this isn't the week. JETS

Kansas City @ New England: I don't see another undefeated season for the Pats, but I do see 14 wins. This'll be one of them. PATRIOTS

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans: Okay... I'll probably explain a little more later, but the Saints are now my favorite team. In fact, starting next week the Saints game will take the place of honor as "Last Game Discussed". I have no faith in the Bengals. They bum me out. Also, I refuse to mention hurricanes.... oh... damnit. SAINTS

St. Louis @ Philadelphia: Don't know much about either team really... The Eagles are presumably decent as always, and the Rams are presumably going to fuck me either way I go (as always), so... EAGLES

Houston @ Pittsburgh: Is this the year for the Texans? ehhhhh Maybe. Will it start this week? Doubtful. Fucking Steelers making the best first round draft picks this year... STEELERS

Jacksonville @ Tennessee: The veneer of Vince Young continues to dull. JAGUARS

Carolina @ San Diego: I love Jake Delhomme. I want him to do well. I hate Philip Rivers. I want him to fail. Aside from these 2 things, I generally dislike the Panthers and like the Chargers, and I think that my general likes/dislikes will win out. CHARGERS

Arizona @ San Fransisco: I feel bad for Alex Smith, but the Cardinals might actually do something this year. CARDINALS

Dallas @ Cleveland: I am truly afraid of the Browns this year. They could end up being really good. The Cowboys already are. COWBOYS

Chicago @ Indianapolis: I don't know if Manning is playing or not, but I assume that he is because the media hasn't had a collective heart attack about it. That in mind, I really don't care who wins. I just want to see Peyton Manning's leg literally fly off during this game. I'm counting on you Urlacher. COLTS. (side prediction...>TD for Devin Hester)

Minnesota @ Green Bay: I am rooting for Aaron Rogers more than I am rooting for any other individual player this year. I think he'll play well. I don't think it'll be enough to counteract Peterson. VIKINGS

Denver @ Oakland: This game doesn't have the luster it once did. The Raiders suck, but I'd like to see Russell throw the ball 85 yards on the fly. BRONCOS

Cincinnati @ Baltimore: I love the Bengals. They are my team (next to the Saints obviously). I want them to win, but I don't wanna encourage the idiots in charge. I'm talking to you Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown. (May as well throw in Bratkowski too, though idiot may be too kind). Here's the thing... I don't think the Bengals will absolutely, necessarily suck. I actually think they'll be Juuuuust good enough to keep stupid Marvin in town for another year. This game will not be pretty though, especially considering it will show how bad the defense can be by giving up actual points to rookie Joe Flacco. RAVENS

Coming Saturday: Top 5 Things Disney World Needs to Change

Are Ya Scared?

Hey Folks-

No, the title doesn't refer to the very real possibility that Sarah Palin will be our next Vice President . (Though, it easily could refer to that very real possibility. Frankly, it's a little too real for me.)

No no... instead, I'd like to talk sports.

Yesterday, I was watching the very enjoyable "Rocky Balboa" and I came in right before the training sequence (awesome) and I watched through the end. I actually thought that the movie was great, except I was a little bummed at the final fight. I DID like the outcome, but I thought the fight was almost too realistic. I want Drago. I want Clubber Lang.

It was during this fight sequence that I noted that Rocky and Mason "The Line" Dixon were both wearing black gloves. I kept thinking about the gloves. So much so, in fact, that I came up with a blog entry related to the color of boxing gloves.

Without further ado, I bring you:

Dan's Top 5 Sports Intimidation Techniques (Both real and fictional)

Honorable Mention A):
This one doesn't get into the top 5, because of 2 reasons... 1) It's only happened once that I am aware of. 2) It's more likely to intimidate your own teammate as opposed to the opponent. In any case, there's a story of the time Red's Hall of Fame Catcher Johnny Bench was catching a younger pitcher. Bench was calling for a breaking ball, and the pitcher shook him off wanting to throw a fastball. Bench basically tells the guy his fastball is sucking, so he should stick with the breaking ball... The pitcher insists and throws the fastball anyway. Bench CATCHES IT WITH HIS BARE HAND. I'm sorry...but that is awesome. I think if that could be verified with an actual video or original story, it would definitely make the list, even though he showed up his teammate. I LOVE that story.

Honorable Mention B)
This one makes it on if I wasn't so entertained by #4 on my list, thus allowing fictional circumstances. Anyway, Ronnie Lott was so tough. So crazy about getting back on the field, that when he dislocated his pinky finger he elected to have it CUT OFF instead of missing any action. Seriously...the guy decided to just amputate his pinky finger after it was crushed in order to avoid injuring it any more, but still get on the field faster. I love that.


5) The coolest way to wear white after Labor Day. Why does the color of boxing gloves matter? (you ask) Well... because when you're wearing white boxing gloves, your opponent can see their own blood. I don't know about you, but if I'm in a fight, the last thing I wanna know about is how much I'm bleeding.

4) A day at the beach. FICTIONAL. Okay, so I've never seen this happen, nor do I think it ever would, but wouldn't it have been effing sweet if Michael Phelps had shown up to his first race of the Olympics with a full, bushy beard and wearing baggy surfing shorts. How would you feel as an opponent of his when you've just spent the last 3 hours shaving off all of your body hair and squeezing yourself into a skin-tight suit and Phelps shows up looking like a beach comber. Like... He may as well be swimming in a sweatshirt.

3) Chair? What chair mother fucker? Another boxing one (Courtesy of Alan)... Picture 2 boxers in a 12 round championship fight. The 10th round just ended. It's been a battle. Too close to call on the cards. You're spent. You head back to your corner and you slump onto the stool and let your corner men do their work. As your trainer is yelling out instructions, you find yourself glancing over to your opponent, hoping to see him bleeding. Instead, you see that he's standing 3 feet away from his corner. Arms crossed. Waiting for your pussy-ass to get up and fight him some more. What's that tapping? Nails in your coffin.

2) Get that shit outta here. I love this one, and it's only not #1 on the list because it's so much better in person than it is on TV. It lacks the universal quality the others have, but otherwise, it's really intimidating. There is nothing...NOTHING like a really emphatic blocked shot in basketball. So many awesome variations of it... The "Pin the ball on the backboard". The "Catch the ball out of the air". The "intentional goaltend where the guy comes up THROUGH the rim". The "point guard stuffing a power forward". The "swat into the second row and then scream like an insane person". Just awesome, and if done early in the game, it can really be a pretty great way to get the momentum.

1) Um...you have ice on your face. This one is legendary. I've heard of this happening a few times, but I think quite possibly the most famous example of it is a Bengals example...and thus is my favorite. In January 1982 the Bengals played the Chargers in Cincinnati in the AFC Championship game. The temperature? -59 degrees. I don't know if you know that, but that is fucking cold. Just so we're clear... if you CAN spit in that temperature, it would freeze before it hit the ground. Of course, your body dehydrates at something like 17 times the normal rate, so you can't spit. Or sweat. In any case, the Bengals offensive lineman came out and played the entire game (thank you Alan and Wikipedia for verifying the specifics) without wearing sleeves. They were so crazy and so tough that were all "Screw frostbite. I wanna scare some Chargers." And it worked. Sadly, they played the 49ers indoors the next Sunday, or maybe the entire future of the Bengals would have been changed. Still... No sleeves or "warm weather clothing" in general in super cold weather is hardcore. People still talk about that 27 years later.