I declare JIHAD!

When I Google searched "War on", "War on Christmas" was the 5th item on the list. After Terror, Drugs, Poverty, and Iraq. Before Afganistan, Crime, and Cancer. Glad we have our priorities straight.

Here we are on Christmas Eve, and I come to find out that we are under attack. Apparently, (and I have this on good authority), an actual WAR has been declared on Christmas!

When I first heard about it, I thought to myself "Who would want to declare WAR on Christmas?" Well, apparently everybody. It's a goddamned conspiracy is what it is. Those effing liberal, hippy, pot-smoking, tree-hugging, commie, pinko, leftist, athiestic looney-birds are literally trying to remove CHRIST from CHRISTMAS. I mean... how can they do that? It says it right there in the name of the holiday for the love of Mike.

I hear, and this is no unsubstantiated report, that store clerks are being instructed to say "Happy Holidays" to their customers! What a fucking outrage. Here we are, proud and fantastic Christians, and these complete strangers are being instructed to not single us out and make us feel even more entitled and special than we already do! It's ridiculous is what that is. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to fucking boycott Katz' Delicatessen for not wishing me the Merry CHRIST-MASS that I deserve to be wished.

What's next? Will they start asking my pregnant sister to walk into the back alley with them so they can perform that 3rd tri-mester abortion? Will they trick me into walking down the aisle with one of my deliciously handsome male friends (who are all completely straight) and marry their virile asses?

Soon we're all going to be socialists and we'll be voting for Muslims for President (Ooopss! Too late!) and we're all going to be worshipping some fucker named Charlie Darwin and celebrating Darwinmas.

Well.. Not me! I've had enough. Next time someone has the unmitigated gall to with me a "Happy Holidays", I'm going to punch them in their fat fucking face.

Okay... so the past few paragraphs are paraphrases of things I've been hearing and seeing everywhere for the last couple of years around this time. Christians here and there get all up in arms about how people are trying to "secularize" Christmas, and "Take the Christ out of Christmas" and how Christians have been minoritized and descriminated against and whatnot, and you know what?

I don't see it. I don't understand how wishing a person you don't know "Happy Holidays" can ever be taken as anything other than a pleasantry.

I want someone who believes that Christmas is being devalued by writing "X-Mas" (and wishing "Happy Holidays" and having non-denominational Winter Celebrations in public schools) to explain to me how. HOW? I don't get it.

I was at Disney World between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2005 and when the Magic Kingdom opened, they had their usual show to start the day. This one had a definite holiday theme, and the "Mayor" wished the crowd "Happy Holidays Folks!". One lady in the crowd made a point of shouting "You mean MERRY CHRISTMAS!" and I honestly wanted to go over there and say "You do realize you're not the only one here right? You realize there are Jews who have paid the same money as you to be here. And probably Muslims and Buddhists and a ton of other faiths? You realize the world doesn't center around you."

I didn't, of course, because what's the point?

I first started blogging over at Xanga, specifically to have a running dialogue with a fundamentalist Christian from Georgia, and he would often rail about these kinds of things. One thing I learned in my 2 or so years of debates with him is that there rarely would actually BE a debate. His arguments and positions were usually populated with straw men and no matter the logic, no matter the backup documentation, his position never changed or even bent slightly. I realized there's no real point in arguing past stating your point, because his tautological bent was too strong to truly puncture. He's certainly not the odd-duck in that. Fundamentalism is predicated on the willful ignorance of facts.

I've wondered aloud for some time who, exactly, was being harmed by the innocuous wishing of "Happy Holidays".

I have certainly seen no evidence to demonstrate that Christmas has been weakened commercially. I still see inflated Reindeer everywhere. I still see twinkly lights. And Sales and manger scenes and everything that just shouts "CHRISTMAS". For every 1 mention of Hanukah or Kwanzaa I see about a billion mentions of Christmas. For every non-Christmas holiday song I hear (which is basically none) I hear about a billion Christmas songs. Basically what I'm saying is Christmas is everywhere, and it's gonna take a lot more than a dude at Macys saying something as harmless and pleasant as "Happy Holidays" to take anything away from it.

If the argument is that Christmas is being secularized, well... that may be true, but that's been the case, pretty much since well.... since the Catholic Romans decided to celebrate Jesus' birthday at an inaccurate time just to blend in with the Romans celebrating the pagan holiday of Saturnalia at the same time. Based on all kinds of scientific evidence involving astronomy and whatnot, Jesus would have been born some time in the Spring. The whole business is pretty secularized and has been for millenia.

Oh... and what exactly is a company like Disney or Sears or whomever supposed to do? The whole purpose of having a business is to make money, and unless you're a Christian Book Store or something like that, you're probably not really intent on alienating large groups of people by singling them out or leaving them out. Seems like bad business practice when Jews and Muslims and Kwanzaa-celebrators and everyone else have spending money too. Why intentionally leave people out just because it makes another group feel special. Even sadder is that the group all upset about this nonsense has more special treatment bestowed upon them than any other group in the history of the fucking world.

There is one thing that scares me about the whole thing. This same particular group of Christians who are so adamant about attention being paid are the ones who behave least like Christians are supposed to. There is no other cheek being turned. This is the same group who levied death threats against a billboard sign owner who rented space to an athiest group. This is the same group who boycotts funerals holding "God Hates Fags" signs. Far be it from me to be the judge of who is "Good" and who is "Bad", but these people don't seem good to me.

I personally think it's a good thing that our country allows for all voices to be heard equally. I personally think it's a good thing that there are rules in place that keep religion (the most divisive force in the history of the world) out of the public school systems. I personally think it's a good thing that a company like Disney insists on inclusion by saying "Happy Holidays".

I could easily take this argument in other directions too, as it extends to things like gay marriage...

How does a man getting married to another man (assuming they're getting married out of love, and not because one of them is knocked up... *cough* Sarah Palin *cough*) devalue the "institution" of marriage? Aside from the always logical answer "because it does", I don't see how. That is for another time.

In any case, I'm done for today. I've said nothing new, but I've ranted and raved a little and made my point to the people who already agree...so I got that goin' for me.

I hope this blog finds you all happy and healthy and full of holiday cheer. Whatever holiday you celebrate.

Football and Site Biz

Merry Christmas Eve Everybody (that's right... I said it.)

First off, I'm planning to write a blog about the passing of Roy E. Disney, but haven't put it together in my head yet. Pretty sad, but he was old. His contributions were hugely important to the Disney company. We'll see what I have to say soon...

Second... Football Picks.
Last Week: 8 - 8
Overall: 141-83

This week:
Chargers
Falcons
Bengals
Browns
Packers
Dolphins
Pats
Saints
Giants
Steelers
Cards
Niners
Colts
Eagles
Cowboys
Vikings

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Some Sad News, and Football

Man... Chris Henry died this morning. That's just about the saddest thing ever. I am actually surprised by how sad I find the whole thing to be. I don't know if i'm going to write about it or not, but I've got stuff to say about it, probably. Either way, RIP Slim.

In any case, here are my picks for this week.
Last week, I went 10-6, for the season: 133-75

Here we go:
Colts

Saints
Pats
Cards
Titans

Browns
Texans
Jets
Eagles
Ravens
Broncos
Bengals
Packers
Seahawks
Vikings
Redskins

The Dome is Always Golder

I've been thinking a lot, over the past couple of weeks, about the nature of college football, and the perceptions that have reigned for years and years.

The impetus for this rumination (also the word for the digestion process of cows and other multi-stomached creatures) has been the absolutely ridiculous saga of Notre Dame's search for a new head coach, and their ultimate poaching of my Cincinnati Bearcats and Coach Brian Kelly. In the end, I think the cause was lost from the beginning. This based on this, apparently universally accepted, notion that the Notre Dame head coaching job is just better. Well... this blog is about how I vehemently reject that notion. To that end, I will break down a few of the more common arguments.

1) You Can Be A Legend!
Well... I'm not going to argue that at Notre Dame you can be A legend. My argument is more along the lines of this... While you can be a legend at Notre Dame, you can't be THE legend. That spot has been filled for quite some time in the daunting figure of Knute Rockne. You could win 5 straight national titles and you'll never be mentioned in a breath by yourself. It could MAYBE be "Coach Kelly and Coach Rockne", but even that is a real stretch. At some point there are legends that will never be surpassed. Wooden. Lombardi. Rockne.

On the other hand, if you win a title at the University of Cincinnati... you may as well just set aside for the re-naming of I-75 to Coach Kelly Highway. This town, so football insane that 75 year old men are identifed as Elder Panther letter-winners in their obituaries. So hungry for a title that the 1999 Cincinnati Reds, a team that didn't even make the playoffs, are looked upon fondly... Brian Kelly could have been THE Legend. Not just at U.C. but for the city. A National Title puts him at the top of the list.

I'll take it a step further. If you're not the first great, you're never the greatest. Urban Meyer will never be as beloved as Steve Spurrier, because Spurrier STARTED it. Pitino could never be as loved as Rupp. Those guys may statistically surpass the originals, but the nostalgia keeps them down.

2) The money is just too attractive.
Again... I can't argue with the fact that over dueling 5 year contracts, Notre Dame will out-pace just about anyone (except maybe Texas, apparently.) The bigger issue really is that this is truly a short-sighted viewpoint. I guess it runs counter to the ego required to believe you can actually succeed at Notre Dame, but the recent evidence shows that you're not getting more than 5 years unless you win a title. A BCS bowl won't even earn you 2 years of slack. So let's say that Notre Dame pays you 4 million a year for those 5 years (plus bonuses) and UC pays you 2 million a year (plus bonuses) over that same time. Yes... you're going to make more at Notre Dame over 5 years. Still... let's say you are exactly as successful as Charlie Weis and you get canned after 5 years. UC wasn't firing Brian Kelly. At this point, 2 straight BCS bowls has earned him at least another 5 years, and there's no reason to believe that the success wouldn't continue. So lets say Kelly stays at UC 10 years. Even if he re-ups his contract for the exact same amount (which he wouldn't), with 2 mil a year plus bonuses, he's made more money at UC than he would at Notre Dame (barring significantly more success than his predecessors). Oh...and you're a legend at UC.

I realize I'm making several assumptions, but these assumptions are based on past coaches at Notre Dame with similar success or expectations prior to their arrivals. My broader point is that in the short term, it's true that Notre Dame will pay more, but the likelihood of staying at UC 2 or 3 times longer is very high as well, and at that point the money catches up and becomes less of an issue.

3) You can't win a National Title at UC.
I think that Brian Kelly himself has quieted that talk significantly since his arrival 3 years ago. He won the Big East in his 2nd year and played in the Orange Bowl. Ended in the top 15. He won the Big East and went undefeated in his 3rd year and his (now vacated team) will end the season at 2nd in the country if they beat Florida in the Sugar Bowl. There was a very good chance that had Nebraska beaten Texas that UC would be playing Alabama for the championship THIS season. Even if not, they would have certainly been one of two teams that would be (along with TCU.) We're not talking about cinderella stories here. We're talking about seconds. We're talking about mere percentage points. If I think about it too much, I get dizzy. It's not like talking about George Mason in the Final Four. The Big East is a BCS conference. 2 Straight BCS titles is no joke.

I honestly think the better question is whether you can win a title at Notre Dame. While it apparently has the same appeal to Coaches that it did in 1978, it's been fleshed out for some time that the top athletes don't want to spend their prime ho-scoring years in South Bend, Indiana when they could be spending it in South Beach with The U or at Florida or in Pasadena at USC. You may get the odd top recruit who grew up in the area and wants to play there, but they are becoming less and less. Oh...and it's a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless that many of the top players can't make the grades necessary to even be accepted to Notre Dame. Mardy Gilyard, the Bearcat's best player over the past 2 seasons (and the man possibly most responsible for making Kelly the most desired coach in the land) was academically ineligible for the 2006 season. He would have NEVER made it into Notre Dame.

4) But it's SOUTH BEND.
I read an article that pointed out something interesting (and possibly irrelevant), but when Parsegian left Notre Dame, he was in his mid 50s and never coached again. When Dan Devine left, he was in his mid 50s and never coached again. And those guys were the LEGENDS. Ty Willingham has collapsed so badly after getting canned from Notre Dame that he likely won't get anothern shot after this last disaster. Charlie Weis went in with such confidence that it's jarring to see him taking such gross and petty pot-shots upon his exit. This place will straight-up fucking MURDER you. Brian Kelly is big talk now, but let's see how he feels when people are demanding his firing after he goes 10-3 and loses in the Fiesta Bowl. The thing about South Bend is that there's absolutely nothing to do besides sit around and stew about that football team. Nobody there cares about basketball. Nobody there cares about Purdue or the Colts (or Lions or Bears). It's all one thing being focused on, all the time, all year round. Yes.. it's South Bend, where they bleed gold... but that's a blessing and a curse. You get the best, loyalest fans anywhere in the world, but you also have the shortest leash of anywhere on Earth. Brian Kelly has never faced a single moment of adversity in his entire coaching life. He won a D-II National Title then sold out his team to move to Central Michigan. He abandoned Central Michigan for the next step on the run at Cincinnati (Right before a bowl game),and he just did the same. I'll give it to the guy...he wins. He's as good a coach as we've ever seen here. I just think that while it may matter to us what he did 2 years ago... It sure as hell won't matter to Notre Dame. It's the only place where he could WIN a title and still be on the chopping block 2 years later. The best thing is that there was already a contingent of die-hards who were totally against his hiring in the first place since he's a known democrat and known to be pro-choice. This is something that is an issue for a FOOTBALL COACH in one place only.

Some additional thoughts:

This is just a theory, and it's as of yet totally unsubstantiated, but what if Kelly is like Bob Huggins, who was better at coaching players "up" as opposed to coaching top level players to play to their expected level. Huggins' best teams were always the teams that over-achieved. His best players (aside from Danny Fortson) were guys who came in unheralded (Steve Logan, Bobby Brannen, and of course Kenyon Martin.) He made really solid players out of guys like Eric Martin, Nick Van Exel and Terrence Gibson. He got only moderate production out of guys like Mr Basketball Keith Gregor and Mr. Basketball Leonard Stokes and McD's All Americans like Dontonio Wingfield, Damon Flint and Kenny Saterfield. I'm not saying that Kelly is the same way, but we have no idea what he would do with "top flight recruits". I think some coaches are better wringing extra production from guys with chips on their shoulders. I dunno...

Could he have handled the whole situation in a more classless way? I'm going to say no. From the apparent consistent lying to his players, to the utterly gutless way he ducked out the backdoor of the awards banquet, to his complete disregard for the players and fans at UC during his opening presser at Notre Dame. I think it's interesting that less than a week after I write a blog about how I'm typically unsurprised with how athletes and celebrities conduct themselves, I found myself surprised by his conduct. I applaud Mardy Gilyard and the rest of his teammates for being candid about how they feel about the whole thing. The dude sold them out for a paycheck. Nobody can begrudge him leaving for his dream job. He should have handled it better.
So...with that said, I say Good Luck, Brian Kelly. I believe I'll find myself rooting for the rude awakening you have coming to you. I'll give you the props if you win, but I'm not holding my breath for an Irish resurrection. (Touchdown Jesus pun intended.)

Football...

I have a couple of comments about Brian Kelly and the Cincinnati Bearcats, but I'm intentionally holding off on that until I know if he's going to Notre Dame or not.

Until then my football picks...

Last week: 8 - 8
Overall: 123-69

Here we go:
Steelers
Saints
Packers
Jets
Dolphins
Ravens
Texans
Broncos
Bills
Bengals
Pats
Raiders
Titans
Cowboys
Eagles
Cards

Shut up and Play

(The Salad Days)

Do you know why I liked Tiger Woods? Because he was a fucking drone. Nobody knew anything about the guy for 15 years except for 4 things:

1) He loved his daddy.

2) He loves his privacy.
3) His wife is Swedish, Smart, and very, very Hot.
4) He's a pretty good Golfer.

That's it. I didn't have to think about him in any sort of critical way. He was a god-damned golfing robot and it was fun to marvel at his amazing shots and it was easy to ignore just about everything else, because he was so bland and uncontroversial that there was literally nothing else to pay attention to.

You see... that's what I look for in my celebrities... lack of celebrity.

I don't want to know what Malawian child is now part of their brood. I don't want to know what crack-pot religion they're suddenly saved by. I don't want to know who or what they are sleeping with. I just want to enjoy their movies and their music and their athletic prowess. Is that too much to ask?

Tom Cruise was once among my favorite Hollywood stars. He made fun movies, he seemed fairly likeable in an abstract way (the only way any of us regular folks can possibly understand). Then he got Scientology in him and started making a nutcase of himself, and soul-crushing Katie Holmes and NOW I have to acknowledge he's a person with a personality. Not only that, but a person with a personality I dislike. I am forced to admit that he's not Pete "Maverick" Mitchell or Jerry McGuire or Lestat. I HATE that. He's not a good enough actor to make me forget about the couch jumping or the whatever. Unless you're a fucking transcendant talent, you'd better keep a lid on it. Sadly, Tom Cruise is no Jack Nicholson, so we can't forget about every wacked out thing he does. I will admit that he was incredible in Tropic Thunder, but I can't decide of that was simply because I couldn't believe Tom Cruise was doing it at all.

Didn't everyone love Michael Jackson before we knew anything about his personal life and terribly childhood? Why did we need to know that he was a super-freak?

Look... I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form that I condone the actions of any of these people. If Michael Jackson is breaking the law by passing around the Jesus Juice, then he should be in jail and I get why that's news...

Tiger Woods didn't break the law. He got into a car wreck and cheated on his wife. That just makes him a bad person, not a criminal. This is why I'd rather this wasn't news, since it's really not important. I have no illusions and I know that many of my heroes aren't particularly nice people... does it make me a bad person to just wish I didn't know?

I'd rather not know that Walt Disney was anti-Union and that he possibly named names. I'd rather not know that Sean Penn has opinions aside from "Hmm... this role seems really cool" or "I would love to start directing the Walt Disney biopic that is so sorely needed". Sadly, because I know these things (and because I can think), I have to modify my perception of this person... It ultimately may not make a lick of difference...In Penn's case, I happen to think he's so good as an actor that I can somehow look past the personality of Penn himself. In Walt's case, I just think the millions of good things outweigh the dozens of bad, and more importantly... I've invited the information myself having read multiple biographies, so I have nobody to blame but myself.

Tiger Woods is a person who until now I've only had to have one opinion... "Jesus this guy can play some effing Golf". Now, because I'm incabable of not thinking about those things, every time they cut to a shot of Elin in the grandstand I'll be looking for the giant-ass "Kobe Special" (House on a finger). I'll be forced to modify my opinion to include shit that is not relevant to my enjoyment in sports, which is the only thing I want to reference Tiger Woods for anyway.

You know why I love Tom Hanks? Because he keeps his mouth shut, and if he's banging models behind Rita Wilson's back... nobody knows about it. (Also he's fucking great at what he does). You know why I love Johnny Depp? Because when he's done with his movies he goes home to France and shuts his windows and only comes out to act the shit out of whatever project he has next.

Athletes are tougher, because they're dumber, and many of their transgressions of late seem to be actually related to the sports... Steroids especially have totally curbed my enthusiasm.. I'm digressing.

Here's the upshot of what I'm trying to say...

I'm not interested in what any of these people do in their personal lives. I don't want them to talk about it. I don't want to have to read about it. I just want to enjoy watching them do the thing that made them famous. Tiger Woods has removed himself from an elite group of people who have achieved astounding heights of fame solely for being incredible at his profession and for being otherwise so uninteresting that we had only his golf prowess to discuss. He's ruined that forever. Not by doing those things. I'm not naive enough to believe he's the only one. He ruined it by failing to keep that shit private. The one thing he values the most. Now he's just one of an ever-growing group of idiots for whom I have mixed emotions about. I will still marvel at his athletic ability and I will still root for him to win, because it's the only thing that makes golf even remotely followable. I'll also still have to endure endless "Tiger Woods hole-in-one" jokes for the rest of his career. And for that he can not be forgiven. (We certainly can't leave it up to Leno to use some humor discretion.)

I don't want to be forced to acknowledge these people are people. That's one reason I love cartoons... Mickey Mouse isn't fucking Daisy Duck behind Minnie's back. Captain Hook doesn't have a terrible gambling problem. Stitch isn't juicing. I want to look at all of my human entertainment the same way I look at cartoons.

Pure entertainment, no humanity to distract.

Admittedly Dull

I'm working on another post for the blog that shall address the Tiger Woods situation (sort of) and my general take on that kind of thing...

Until then, the NFL season drags on, and I continue to make my much-heralded picks.
Over the past 3 weeks that I didn't tabulate, I went 9-7, 10-6, and 8-7 (starting with most recently.) This brings my overall record to... 115-61.

Here are my picks for this coming week:

Bills
Eagles
Bears
Bengals
Steelers
Titans
Broncos
Pats
Saints
Bucs
Jags
Chargers
Cowboys
Niners
Vikings
Packers

Turkey Football

Hey Folks-

I'll be blogging more later this week/weekend about my short trip to Michigan and the Bengals nearly getting me suckered in again... but first, Turkey Day Football

Again... haven't tabulated my record from last week, so that'll have to wait. I'm sure it wasn't good.

PACKERS
COWBOYS
BRONCOS
FALCONS
BENGALS
DOLPHINS
SEAHAWKS
PANTHERS
EAGLES
TEXANS
CHARGERS
JAGS
CARDINALS
VIKINGS
STEELERS
PATRIOTS

Vindicated... at least a little

You know how I ranted and raved about Bill Belichick's football decision earlier this week? Well... I was feeling really good about my opinion, and then I talked to Alan about it (a person whose opinion regarding football I respect). Alan said he liked the call!! I couldn't believe it. I didn't get a real chance to discuss/debate it with him as we were busy laying a big fat Trivia egg... (Did you know that indigo is the color from the spectrum that has largely been eliminated? I did.)

Anyway, I started questioning my conviction on the issue just a tad. I wondered if Alan was right, that Manning would have scored just as easily from 70 as he did from 30, so the Pats only chance was to keep the ball. Again... I didn't have a chance to delve, but I've since been rolling it around in my head and.... then I read THIS...SERIOUSLY... CLICK IT.

My boy Bill Simmons agrees with me, and since it's his job to think about and write about sports, he actually had the time to break that bitch down... It's a solid read. I know he's an admitted Boston homer, but I don't care. He's right, I'm right, and I feel much better about it.

Football Quickly

The Thursday game has already started, so I'm making my picks quickly...

PANTHERS
COWBOYS
LIONS
PACKERS
STEELERS
VIKINGS
FALCONS
SAINTS
JAGS
COLTS
CARDINALS
CHARGERS
BENGALS
PATRIOTS
BEARS
TEXANS

I'll tabulate my score from last week and edit this post when I get a chance.

A Bad, Bad Call

So listen... I don't get riled up by the NFL much. I love watching it. I love talking about it with my buddy Alan and my Dad.

This year has been no exception. My Saints are undefeated. The Bengals have made an excellent soon-to-be ex. (I'm standing by it, at least for now.... I figure the only loophole I have is that I compared my break with the Bengals to a divorce, and well... people are known to reconcile.... we'll see.)

Anyway, as I was saying, I rarely get riled up, but I have to chime in very briefly on Bill Belichick and the Colts vs. Patriots game that took place on Sunday night. First a couple of things right off the bat:

1) I hate the Colts. I hate them. Nothing makes me sicker than the Colts doing well. I honestly feel less hatred for the Steelers, Ravens, and Browns combined. I just hate them so much.

2) I like the Patriots. I don't buy into the cheating thing. I firmly believe that Tom Brady is an all-time great quarterback.

3) I hate Peyton Manning. I think he's the most overrated player I can recall, and that's saying something since I still concede at this point that he's one of the top 5 or so quarterbacks ever. That's how overrated the guy is. I think it goes back to when he was at Tennessee (at the absolute height of my Gator-love) and he was just slurped up and down and left and right...won nothing...and then the Volunteers won the national title the year after he left (with TEE MARTIN!!! HAHAHAHA). That was so, so delicious. Anyway, I could write a whole blog about why Manning is overrated and overhyped, but thats not what this is about... in fact, I'm feeling sick in anticipation of what I'm about to say.

Let me set the stage.

The Patriots are leading 34-28 with 2:06 to go. 4th down and 2 from their own 28 yard line. The Pats have already foolishly burned their timeouts.

What does Bill B. do? He fucking goes for it, and the play he draws up is designed to go about 3 yards. Kevin Faulk bobbles the ball as he's falling and it's ruled that by the time he'd actually secured the ball that he wasn't over the first down marker. The Pats can't challenge it because they have no timeouts left. The booth doesn't challenge it, because we're still outside of 2 minutes. So here's what I say...

If this same decision to "go for it" is made by any other head coach in the league, short of... well... I can't think of a single other coach... If it's anyone else, that coach is fired. I think I can easily say it's the worst call I've ever seen by a coach, period. I don't think I will ever understand it...

1) As much as I hate Peyton Manning (and I hate him a whole lot), I acknowledge that despite his general overratedness, he's still a top 5 quarterback ever. I hate that that's true, but it is. The fact of the matter is... Peyton Manning, when given 75 yards and 2 minutes to score a touchdown is scary enough. You should never, EVER give that son of a bitch more than you need to. 29 yards and 2 minutes to score a touchdown, you may as well just gift wrap it for him and suck him off. He had so much time they were running the ball into the line to make sure the Pats had less time with the ball after the inevitably scored.

2) You show NO confidence in your defense. I get that you like your offense, and that Brady is a guaranteed Hall of Famer. I get that you have so much disdain for the Colts that you can't even acknowledge they can beat you. I understand that, but for the love of GOD. If you don't trust your defense to stop Manning from 70 yards, how can you even pretend to claim you trust them to stop that mother fucker from spitting distance. GOD DAMNIT.

3) If you're going to make the call to go for it, which has no logical defense, at least make a play call that doesn't rely on the iffy hands and counting ability of Kevin God-Damned Faulk. You have Randy Moss and Wes Welker on the field, and I know that they were likely blanketed like they had their own personal Colts Snuggies, but still... maybe tell Fault to take another couple of steps. Why make it so close?

The worst part is... having seen the past 3 plays, I don't see how anyone thought that 2 yards was a gimme. There were 2 running plays to Lawrence Maroney that I thought were set-up to be flea-flickers they developed so awkwardly. (It's hard to explain, but it just seemed like Maroney stalled at the line on both attempts. Such a stall that I expected him to pitch it back to Brady.)

I just... I don't get it. It's a terrible call. I've been struggling to come up with a situation where this play is okay. I would struggle to justify this decision from this location on the field under almost any circumstance. If you took the absolute BEST Patriots team (the 2007 version who went one insane catch away from going undefeated) against the worst team I can think of... The Dick LeBeau Bengals of 2002... There's no chance you make that call if you're the Patriots. What I'm saying is if there's no single professional team (and if you know the 2002 Bengals, you know I'm using that phrase as technically as possible) there's still no NFL offense that you give that chance to. Not ever. Maybe 50 yards. That's what I've decided. If you have the ball at the 50... MAYBE then do you take that chance, but jesus.. what if Faulk gets stripped and Robert Mathis or whoever runs it back for a touchdown. What if Brady throws a pick? I don't see how you ever take the chance. You punt it away unless you may be able to pick up a game-icing field goal. No other time is it acceptable. Period.

When looking up the details of this blog, since the numbers are so important here, I came across dozens of people defending the "gutsy" call. Are you fucking joking? I know that Greg Easterbrook once wrote a column about how people punt too much. How the average play is 3 yards so coaches shouldn't be so quick to punt from 4th and short. I even agree. This situation doesn't apply. Be smart. Give the future HOFer a full field. Make it at least a Challenge. I don't care if your defense is the '85 Bears. You don't do it. Not ever.

I'm so mad about it, I realize I'm not making a ton of sense here, but it doesn't matter. I don't love being put in any position where I have to acknowledge that Peyton Manning is dangerous. So...FUCK YOU BILL BELICHICK.

A Mouse in My Food

Ever since my surgery, food has been a great challenge. It's rare that I can eat any sort of meats at all without experiencing some pain. It's unusual for me to be able to complete a full serving of anything. Some of my favorite foods have been taken completely out of the equation... Pizza, Steak... Only recently have I been able to start eating any kinds of sandwiches again.

As you can imagine, Disney World is difficult. The portions are huge, the food is pricey, and it's almost always fairly rich too (tough for me to digest). I did, however, have a great experience with the Disney Dining Plan (a first try at it for me) and there were some really excellent meals...so without further ado my 3 Tips to Successful Disney Dining and my 3 Favorite Meals/Dishes from this trip.

3 Tips for Successful Disney Dining

1) Eat Up at Lunch Time.
I think the normal progression of meals for people is to eat small for breakfast and lunch and then have a big dinner. That's all well and good, but there are a couple of reasons I'm recommending having your "Table Service" meal (whether you're on the dining plan or no) at Lunch time. First, the morning is the most hectic time at the parks, usually, because people are rushing to get to rides before it gets crowded and people are trying to fit in all kinds of stuff early on. All that runing around has a way of working up quite the appetite. Second, it's far easier to get lunch reservations at all of the sit-down restaurants than it is for dinner (and if you're not on the dining plan, the prices are usually lower). Third, my absolute least favorite thing about the otherwise amazing, Free Disney Transportation is the logjams at the beginning and end of the day. When you're scheduling your sit-down meals late, you're locking yourself in to having to deal with post-parade/fireworks crowds. Unless you're amazingly clever, the crowds are unavoidable and unbearable. My advice is to grab the quicker meal late so that you can better negotiate your smooth exit from the park.

2) Disney Dining Plan
I have always been a skeptic. I was wrong. This is a seriously great feature of staying on property. It's easy to use, provides more food than you can ever possibly eat, and really saves an incredible amount of money (especially now that Disney's basically handing the thing away), oh...and the Tofu Muchacha wanted me to point out that every meal comes with dessert (I'll get to the dessert again later). Also take the opportunity to order those things you normally would't, because of how expensive they are. Never ordered the 35.00 Filet Mignon? Well go for it... Always wanted to try Lobster? That's allowed. It's totally awesome. I figure that our free dining plan (minus the gratuities) saved us 500 dollars. Easily.


3) Eat at Epcot.
This seems like such a broad sort of tip, but hear me out... Epcot is home to the Food and Wine Festival, which is amazing for international snacking. Epcot has more sit-down restaurants than any other park at Disney. Epcot has the widest variety of food choices anywhere outside of New York City. On this recent trip we ate at Epcot four separate days. That doesn't include the snacks we enjoyed at the Food and Wine Festival (also covered in the dining plan). Check it out... in the World Showcase, all of the following are a 15 minute walk away: Steak (Canada), Pub food (England), French Bistro (France) , Middle Eastern (Morocco), hibachi steak or sushi (Japan), Italian (duh), Biergarten buffet (Germany), Chinese (duh again), Norwegian (like you'd want it..), and Mexican. That doesn't include the Coral Reef (which I'll discuss later). There are options for everyone, and if you go at lunch time, you can usually get reservations most anywhere.

And now...

My 3 Favorite Meals/Dishes of my October Trip

1) Coral Reef, Day 2
This was an excellent meal in almost every respect. The food was good. The dessert was delicious (Creme brule....mmmmm.) And the atmosphere was easily the coolest of any meal we had the whole trip. The atmosphere really is the draw here, and I honestly can say it was one of the more interesting places I've ever eaten in terms of visuals. The whole restaurant is set up a little like a dinner theater in that all of the seating faces a huge floor to ceiling aquarium and every seat is good. It doesn't hurt that our seat was somehow the most amazing in the house. Right up against the glass. It was so neat. I ate dinner right next to a giant sea turtle.
2) Cheesecake at Tony's Town Square Ristorante, Day 1
I'm a fan of desserts. Lately I've come to really enjoy pumpkin desserts specifically, and when I see a pumpkin cheesecake on a menu, I'm always curious to see how it stacks up with my own (hugely successful) attempt from a couple of months back. This one was really, really delicious, and it was presented in so pleasing a manner that I needed to take a picture. Yes... that's Lady and the Tramp dusted onto the plate in chocolate. It was super, super smooth and creamy and really light. I liked it so much I requested the recipe...which I received in my e-mail just recently. I may attempt it for my Thanksgiving dessert. 3) ABC Commissary. Day 5
I know it's a little weird, because this is basically a fast food restaurant, but I can honestly say that my fish and chips were among the best I've ever eaten anywhere. The fish was perfectly fried. The fries were crisp. It was awesome. AND because I was on the dining plan, I also got this crazy good chocolate mousse. I'm listing this, because out of all of the meals I had, this one was the most surprising. I expect Tony's and Le Cellier to be good (I was disappointed in Le Cellier, to be honest), but the ABC Commissary came through.

NOTE: I know that I promised a Leg to Leg comparison between the Disney turkey legs and the Renaissance Faire turkey legs, but to be honest... I just couldn't do it. The turkey leg I got at the Renn Faire made me feel so sick afterward, I just wasn't willing to risk fucking up a whole day of my trip at Disney in case the Disney bird made me feel the same way.

Yawn... Football Time

Look... I'm sorry. I keep meaning to write, but I'm busy! I think I sort of burned myself out a little with the Disney blogs, which is okay...because that was totally fun and worth it, but that was also a lot of damned work!

Anyway, I plan on putting up at least something non-football this week.

Until I do though, my record last week was a respectable 9 and 4, bringing my overall record to 88 -41. Not bad at all.

Here we go with this week and we're back to 15 games...

BEARS
TITANS
SAINTS
DOLPHINS
VIKINGS
JETS
STEELERS
REDSKINS
PANTHERS
RAIDERS
EAGLES
CARDINALS
COWBOYS
PATRIOTS
RAVENS

Just a quick comment on this week... I am going out on several limbs this week, so I could easily be heading toward my first loser of the season.

OHHH Football.

I've really got nothing to say at the moment, so I'm just gonna post my record from last week...

8 - 5

My overall record...

79-37

And my picks for this coming week...

Falcons
Bears
Bengals
Colts
Pats
Packers
Jags
Saints
Seahawks
Niners
Giants
Cowboys
Steelers

Enjoy.

I'm sure those pictures will be greeeeattt.

It's my nature to complain, as you've probably discovered. Even in the greatest experiences I'll have things with which I will take issue.

My trip to Disney World was fucking fabulous. Lovely lady at my side, great weather, generally light crowds. It was awesome. That said, I still have shit to bitch about. Allow me to list them.

Here they are, my Top 5 Biggest Complaints about Disney World, October 2009:

Most of these fall under the heading "There are other people here too, Douchebag."

1) Row-Hogs.
There are many, many attractions at Disney that are held in theater type environments. Monsters Inc, Little Mermaid, Mickey's Philharmagic, It's Tough to be a Bug just to name a few. Each and every one of them has been specifically designed to offer great views from every seat in the house. Disney has made a point to make sure that anyone waiting in line on a hot July day in Florida will think the wait was worth it when the show is over. So why... WHY do dozens of jerkfaces insist on stopping at the fucking middle of the row as they enter. They can hear the cast members asking them to move to the end of the row. They can see the throngs of people pushing forward. They force people to step past them and to climb over them or to just not get a seat because they refuse to follow this simple rule of society. They just pretend to not understand English. I'm serious. I'm not being xenophobic here. I've seen this happen. I mean... if you care that fucking much about where you're sitting, don't be the first person in the theater you fucking asshole.

2) Those chains aren't for my special child.
I saw this more on this trip than ever before, but there are loads of people who are willing to send their grubby little children sneaking under the chains or over the hedges or under the ropes in order to score that one precious photo that will show their kid as the gunner on some cannon (Pirates of the Caribbean) or that delightful snapshot of their kid swimming in the shrubs with Nemo or whatever else. I know this is sort of a grumpy-old-man thing to complain about, but that chain is there for a reason. Disney creates these ornate queue lines for more visually interesting waits, not so your gross little offspring can get the one special shot that will finally portray him or her as something other than the satan spawn they are. Plus, it holds up the fucking line.

Speaking of...

3) Y'all are just gonna have to wait. Junior's being cute.
Listen... I've taken pictures in a queue line before. There are some amazing things in those lines. But here's the thing. I've never stopped the goddamned line and made people wait while I took that picture. I saw people posing for multiple pictures at a time, blockading the queue line behind them to the point where at least 20 people could fit in the ever growing gap in front of them. It's one thing to take a picture, that happens, but let people pass you if that shot is so effing important. Don't block the whole line and hold everyone else up. Not cool.

2) Don't you hear me honking?
I've noticed this one many times before, but it seemed like it was way worse this time. I know there are some people in wheelchairs that really, actually need to be in wheelchairs. I know there are people who drive those scooters, who unlike George Costanza, really do need them. I have no issue with this. In fact, I have no issue with anyone riding those fuckers around. It looks kinda fun, actually to zip around from ride to ride on one of those things. I'm not here to complain about that. I'm here to complain that those people seem to have forgotten that there are other people trying to get from one place to another. I can recount at least 5 times when either I or the Tofu Muchacha was just walking along, minding our own business, going with the flow of traffic, and suddently we nearly bashed our shins on the back of one of those scooters, whose driver just decided to stop for literally no reason and look around. It was truly insane. The worst part was that after we stopped, regained our balance and stepped around them, they almost always would give these incredibly put-out looks like "How dare you continue walking in the walking area while I mindlessly stop and gaze spacily into the abyss."

1) This ain't Mardi Gras, so quit with the Flashing.
Many of Disney's best rides are called "dark rides". These are rides where visitors ride through on some sort of vehicle through a darkened space and the scenes are specially lit in some manner. They're all over the place. Peter Pan, small world, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Haunted Mansion, Pirates, Buzz Lightyear. Those are just the ones in Magic Kingdom. Well... for some dumbass reason, people feel the need to take flash photography on these rides. This is problematic and really fucking retarded. Problematic because it's totally disruptive to just about everyone else on the ride. Usually the dark rides are...you know... dark, so when someone takes a flash photo, it totally fucks with your eyesight. It's completely inconsiderate to the other people who want to enjoy the experience. It's fucking retarded because most of the rides are lit with black light, which is really cool for the purposes of the ride itself, because it allows for even greater darkness and really bright colors, but for flash photography it's... completely pointless. The flash overpowers all of the remaining light, and you end up with the shittiest pictures possible. I hate these people more than anything.

That's enough complaining. Tomorrow, I'll list my Top 3 Meals.

A Triumphant Return... to Picking Football Games

Hello!

I'm getting ready to come out of my great big blogging break with a couple of blogs... One about the Top 5 things about my Disney trip (not including the Tofu Muchacha who would hold all 5 spots), the Top 5 things that drive me crazy while I'm trying to enjoy Disney, and an intro to my NaNoWriMo project.

Until then, though, we're going to have to settle for a football picks blog. Last week, in my absense, I went 8 and 5, and 2 weeks ago I went 8 and 6, so now my record is 71 -32. Still pretty good.

Here we go for this week:

Texans
Bears
Cowboys
Lions
Broncos
Colts
Dolphins
Eagles
Jags
Chargers
Cardinals
Packers
Saints

This week is pretty tough. We'll see how it goes.

Football Picks : Remote

I'm writing this before even last weeks games were finished, but I had to get my picks in.
Needless to say, I don't know how I did last week.

Packers
Chargers
Colts
Steelers
Pats
Texans
Panthers
Jets
Falcons
Bears
Saints
Giants
Eagles

We'll see, I guess.

A Clean Break

I feel ya, Cubs fan. I feel ya.

In January of 1989, The Cincinnati Bengals made me cry. This was before I had real reason. They had finished their most glorious season with a heartbreaking loss, but there was truly nothing to cry about. They had promise. A young quarterback with nerves of steel and blonde, flowing locks. A brash running back tandem, one of whom fathered an end-zone dance craze so ridiculous we all should have known it wouldn't last. A defense... well... the defense wasn't spectacular, but man that offense was fun to watch.

We had it good. We had years of prosperity to look forward to at the helm of the S.S. Ickey and Boomer.

I was not even 9 years old, but I bled Orange and Black. They had me.

Then, not even a year later the legend behind the scenes, the great Paul Brown, passed away. Little did we know how devastating a loss it would be.

The next 20 years have been well documented. 2 more winning seasons. 2 more playoff berths. And 18 other seasons of being just about the shittiest team on Earth, and since the idiot son Mike Brown was at the command, things continued to look bleak.

There was a brief time in recent years when things seemed like they may be getting better. Marvin Lewis drafted Carson Palmer. Chad Johnson (that's right) broke out into stardom. It was exciting for a while, but the curse continued. The sole playoff appearance started with a blown knee and went down from there. Nothing close since. Frankly the whole thing has been torture.

Hard to really put the last 20 years into words that do them justice. We've had misfortune and mistakes of all kinds. They drafted great players wisely and fucked them up (somehow) like Dan Wilkinson. They've drafted great players unwisely and things went just how you'd expect (Reinard Wilson and KiJana Carter). They've passed up whole drafts of picks to take Akili Smith.

If I listed every terrible game. Every terrible moment. Every terrible player or pick, I'd be here all day, and frankly my buddy Alan is much more encyclopedic in his knowledge of those stats and facts. I'm a more emotionally driven fan. I'm not rational (see: my hatred of Adam Dunn).

Based on those feelings, and my absolute exhaustion at every gut-wrenching game and play and decision, I made a decision.

I put the Bengals on notice. During last season, I selected a new "favorite" team to follow and cheer along with the Bengals. That team was the New Orleans Saints. I love the way Drew Brees plays. I like Sean Payton. I want to see a downtrodden city like the Big Easy have something good happen to them. I needed a team to root for that wouldn't kick me in the nuts at every possibly opportunity. The Saints haven't exactly been the best team in the world in my lifetime either, but they seem to make good moves. They seem to be at least TRYING to win.

After the season, I gave the Bengals one more season (a one year contract, if you will) to show me something. To make me believe. I made one caveat. "No receivers or running backs in the first round". They took Andre Smith, so they passed the test.

I was willing to do double rooting duty again this year with my Saints and my Bengals and see what happened.

Then the Bengals played the Broncos in the first game of the season, and then this happened:

Is that not the most sickening thing you've ever seen? Well... It was at that moment that I knew the Bengals would never love me the way I loved them. They'd always be the team where the third stringer set the world on fire. They'd always be the team where shit like that happened against them.

Well... I have a choice. Just because I'm from Cincinnati doesn't mean that I have to suffer. I won't do it anymore. I'm divorcing the Bengals.

I know they're 4 and 2. I know that they have a chance this season, but I don't care. If they do well, that's great. I'll be happy for them. I'll never root against them. I'll root for them casually... I'll never cry for them again. I'll never let them ruin another otherwise gorgeous Sunday. It won't happen.

So here I am. A Saints fan in Cincinnati. It's okay. Everything will be okay. Just remember... It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

We Have a Winnah! Disney Trivia Final

At the time of this posting, I'm likely to be enjoying my first sights of Disney on my trip. I'll be at the Magic Kingdom first, so please enjoy this totally amazing video a friend sent to me:



Correct me if I'm wrong, but that shit is amazing. This was a video done by Disney to celebrate the Magic Kingdom's birthday (on October 1st).

The real business of today is to announce the winner of my trivia contest. For each day of my countdown, I tossed out a trivia question. I asked my readers to e-mail me answers if they knew them, and I had a pretty good turnout overall. The final tally will be available on my website on the Contests Page.

I'm proud to announce my cousin, Abbey, as the winner. With 3 days left, she had more points than anyone else could possibly gain based on her number of correct answers.

She has requested a pin with a "Goofy" theme, and it will now be my mission to find this pin. I have no idea if there will be one of those, but you can bet I'll search. She's pictured above as a kid wearing her Goofy Hat and hanging out with the dog himself.

Here are the answers to the 31 Disney Trivia questions I've set forth over the last month.

30 Days: (Magic of Disney)
QUESTION: What was the price of 1 Adult Admission ticket at the time of Walt Disney World's Grand Opening in October 1971.
ANSWER: $3.50. That was only for park admission only. Rides were more.

29 Days: (Music in the Parks)
QUESTION: Why is the height of many buildings inside the parks at Disney World only 199 ft high?
ANSWER: In Florida, any structure 200 ft or higher requires a red light on top for overflying aircraft. Disney avoids this whenever possible due to aesthetic reasons.

28 Days: (Turkey Legs)
Question: Approximately how many of these Giant Turkey Legs are eaten every year at Walt Disney World?
ANSWER: 1.4 Million of those fuckers.

27 Days : (Carousel of Progress)
Question: The Earful Tower, Hollywood Studios water tower landmark wears a Mickey Ears Hat. What's the Hat Size?
ANSWER: 342 3/4ths

26 Days: (Spaceship Earth)
Question: The Fountain at Innoventions Plaza in Epcot can shoot water 150 ft in the air (only 30 feet lower than the top of Spaceship Earth. If all of the water cannons were fired at once, how much water would be in the air?
ANSWER: 2000 Gallons at once!

25 Days: (The Views)
Question: How many stones and bricks were used in the Building of Cinderella's Castle?
ANSWER: NONE. They used almost all fiberglass over concrete framing to simulate the look of concrete.

24 Days: (The Great Movie Ride)
Question: Walt Disney World houses the World's largest sand-bottom pool at 750,000 gallons of water. Where is it, and what is it called?
ANSWER: Stormalong Bay at The Beach Club Resort

23 Days: (Customer Service)
Question: On average, how many pairs of Sunglasses are turned into the Lost and Found every day at Walt Disney World?
ANSWER: 210 Pairs. (I have no idea why they keep this statistic.)

22 Days: (Costumed Characters)
Question: What is the name of the singing, animated parrot over the entrance of Pirates of the Caribbean?
ANSWER: Peglegged Pete

21 Days: (American Idol Experience)
Question: Fantasmic Theater at Hollywood Studios seats how many guests?
ANSWER: 6900 Guests.

20 Days: (Splash Mountain)
Question: How tall is the Summit Plummet Water Slide at Blizzard Beach?
ANSWER: 120 ft, or 12 stories.

19 Days: (Ponchos)
Question: What Magic Kingdom attraction was the first to be run by computer?
ANSWER: Space Mountain

18 Days: (World Showcase)
Question: What is vomit called at Disney World?
ANSWER: Protein Spill

17 Days: (It's Tough to be a Bug)
Question: How many triangles make up the Geodesic sphere that is Spaceship Earth?
ANSWER: 11,324

16 Days: (Celebrity Guests)
Question: Who plays Dr. Grant Seeker on Dinosaur!?
ANSWER: Wallace Langham

15 Days: (Kids Falling Down)
Question: In Spaceship Earth, the character in the "Greek Play" scene is delivering lines from what play?
ANSWER: Oedipus Rex

14 Days: (Big Thunder Mountain)
Question: Name the 5 Mountains of Walt Disney World, and place them in order according to height, tallest to shortest.
ANSWER: Forbidden Mountain (Expedition Everest), Big Thunder Mountain, Space Mountain, Mt. Gushmore, and Splash Mountain

13 Days: (Tomorrowland Transit Authority)
Question: What is the name of the robotic lounge singer in Tomorrowland's Cosmic Rays restaurant?
ANSWER: Sonny Eclipse

12 Days: (Holidays at Disney)
Question: In order to play Sulley from Monsters Inc. in the parks, what is the height range a person must fall within?
ANSWER: 6'2" to 6'4"

11 Days: (it's a small world)
Question: Only one nations name is actually spelled out in "it's a small world". What country is it?
ANSWER: "MEXICO". It's on a sombrero on the right. Seriously.

10 Days: (The Rainforest Cafe)
Question: The gift shop at the exit of Star Tours is currently called ____?
ANSWER: Tatooine Traders

9 Days: (Monsters Inc Laugh Floor)
Question: What is the highest rank you can attain on Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin?
ANSWER: Galactic Hero

8 Days: (Mickey's Philharmagic)
Question: What is Donald's Boat in Toontown called?
ANSWER: The Miss Daisy

7 Days: (Expedition Everest)
Question: What is the name of the mountain you're riding on in Expedition Everest?
ANSWER: The Forbidden Mountain

6 Days pt 1: (Kilimanjaro Safari)
Question: Approximately how many branches does the Tree of Life have (I'll accept a round number)
ANSWER: 8000 is the general answer I would have accepted. My cousin Abbey got crazy specific on it though.

6 Days pt 2: (Haunted Mansion)
Question: Who is the voice of the "Ghost Host" in the Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World?
ANSWER: Paul Frees

5 Days: (Journey Into Imagination)
Question: What company has sponsored Journey Into Imagination since it's inception?
ANSWER: Kodak. They've actually sponsored the entire pavilion.

4 Days: (Hidden Mickeys)
Question: What other character's face is viewable by satellite image of Hollywood Studios?
ANSWER: Pluto's face is visible in the courtyard area outside the main entrance.

3 Days: (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Question: Of the 126 Animatronic Figures in Pirates of the Caribbean at Walt Disney World, how many are pirates?
ANSWER: There are 69 Animatronic pirates on the ride.

2 Days: (Pin Trading)
Question: What is the name of the Sea Serpent made of legos in Downtown Disney?
ANSWER: Brickley

1 Day: (Soarin')
Question: How many different scents can you sniff (aside from the ones made by your co-riders) as you ride Soarin' and what are they?
ANSWER: 4. (Orange blossoms, Sagebrush, Ocean, and evergreen)

Thank you all for participating.

1 Day to Disney: I can see my house from here!

Well folks... We've done it. We've made it to the end of the Disney Countdown, you and me. It's been a crazy ride, has it not?

Not so fast, though... There's still one final Disney thing to talk about before we but this bitch to bed.

It's interesting to me that the top item on the whole shebang this time around is a ride that had just opened right before I wrote the first countdown in 05, and I didn't know a single thing about it. THAT'S how much I've been blown away by Soarin' at Epcot. To make that kind of impression on me in that short amount of time is pretty amazing to me.

I am hesitant to talk too much in specifics about the ride itself, because there's no way to do it justice. It sounds so...regular. I think that's theme of this year's countdown... Disney has mastered making things that sound completely simple and unimpressive become so amazing based on two very specific goals they seek out to attain every time.

1) The difference is in the details. Soarin' is basically a flight simulator. There are simulators all over the place at dozens of amusement parks around the world. Disney has taken this "regular" thing and made it so specific and detailed in every facet, from the entry area to the waiting queue (with Patrick the Flight Attendant) to the scents and breezes you smell and feel as you "Soar". It's simple, but amazingly elegant because of the detail.

2) They execute it perfectly. Aside from the detail of the experience, the efficiency each individual aspect of the ride makes the experience go so smoothly that it sets it apart from any other experience of it's type. The mechanics of the ride vehicle are one of a kind. The movement is crisp and seamless. The loading and operations are hitch-free. If you think you'd get that same level of elegance at Universal or Pidgeon Forge or whatever else then you've not been reading this whole time.

When I first rode Soarin' in 2005 I was blown away. It went by so quickly that I had barely enough time to process it. I rushed back around and rode it again right away. It was mid December, so the crowds were light. Then I got a fast pass and rode it again later that day. It's just beautifully done from start to finish. It's the first ride I want to go on every time I visit Disney.

So... with that, I bring my countdown to an end. This time tomorrow I'll be on a 737-800 flying down to Disney World and an amazing vacation with the Tofu Muchacha, who has had to deal with my insane Disney obsession first hand, and doesn't have the option of simply not reading the blog for a couple of days to take a break.

Thanks for reading along with me. I can't wait to tell you all about the trip next week.

And now... The Last Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Trivia: How many different scents can you sniff (aside from the ones made by your co-riders) as you ride Soarin' and what are they?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Answering Cut-off will be at 9:00 PM tonight, and the Contest Wrap-Up Blog will be posted tomorrow, with the winner announced and all of the answers posted.

2 Days to Disney: Do you have that in "Villain"?

Way back over Christmas in the year 2000, my family spent the holiday at Disney World. It was an overall fantastic trip. I loved pretty much everything about it. The weather was great. I was feeling good. The parks were amazingly decorated. It was awesome. The only shitty thing was how insanely crowded the whole place was.

Probably the most lasting experience from the trip, however, was my discovery of what would eventually become my one true obsession... Disney Lapel Pins.

I know it's confusing to those people who aren't giant Disney fans, but Disney has created a huge number (like in the tens of thousands) of Enameled Lapel Pins, and those bitches are like crack.

The beauty of them, or the evil, depending on where you're coming from is several-fold:

1) They are inexpensive individually. It seems like you're getting off light when you buy 2 pins. They're 8.95 apiece. Not bad for a Disney souvenir. Of course, due to the aforementioned "cracklikeness" of them, it's hard to buy just one or two or ten or twenty. So... they get their money in the end. Don't you worry.

2) They make them for every park, every attraction, every movie, every character. Everything under the Sun. They have an unlimited field of subject matter from which to cull their nifty little trinkets.

3) Because they are so varied, they can basically appeal to just about anyone. Only like Goofy? That's alright, because there are literally thousands of Goofy Pins out there and available. Not just in the parks, but on eBay and to be traded and everything.

4) They are small and easily ported. On my last trip in February I bought... several. and they basically fit in a small bag that I could put in my backpack. They don't even seem to notice them at security at the airport, which is odd since there's enough pointy little barbs in that bag to give the world tetanus.

You see... I'm a magpie. In my life I've collected several things. Autographed baseballs, antique maps, Disney Snowglobes... These are all pricey and large and difficult to amass discreetly. Take one look at the shelves in my bedroom, and you'll see 18 GIANT-ASS SNOWGLOBES. It's cumbersome to say the least. So the pins appeal to me on many levels.

I have several active Pin quests going usually. I'm always on the lookout for good Captain Hook pins. In fact, this may be a bold statement, but I believe I may have the most extensive Captain Hook pin collection anywhere in the world. I know I have several Hook limited edition pins with very small edition sizes.

I also collect Expedition Everest pins and Figment... And Soarin. And a few others.

I've ranked this so high on my list because Disney basically found a way to cater to my 2 favorite things.... Disney and Obsessive Hoarding. Disney has even been so kind as to place kiosks and full-blown shops selling pins and pins alone about ever 40 feet on property. They require cast members to wear pins, and to trade them (without the luxury of haggling) to anyone who wants to trade. It's the best.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: What is the name of the Sea Serpent made of legos in Downtown Disney?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

3 Days to Disney: Pirates are Popular

Look familiar you fucking bandwagoners?
I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's actually a movie based on a ride at Disney World.

It's called "Pirates of the Caribbean" and apparently it was quite a popular flick. It even starred well known actors like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom.

I KNOW!! It shocked me too. When I found out about it, I placed it at the very tippy-top of my Netflix queue. Not only that, but in my search, I discovered that there are 2.... TWO!! sequels. Crazy right?

In all seriousness, everyone knows this ride. They probably know what it's all about. They've probably ridden it. It's possibly the most popular ride in all of Disneydom. And let me just say... it makes it hard to be a hardcore fan of this ride, because I was the guy that got every *wink wink* to the ride that appeared in the movie. I was the guy that laughed at the guy in the pig-pen when everyone else in the theater was all "When's Bloom getting back on screen?"

They're all fucking late to the party, and it just makes me irritated that suddenly, because of one movie (an admittedly effing sweet movie) it's everyone's favorite ride.

I will also say that I do really like the additions they made to the rides to incorporate the movie characters. Jack Sparrow is an excellent creation, and one that Walt would have been proud of, so I have no issue with it. I especially like the addition of Davy Jones, whose face appears in the mist as you enter the ride. It's awesome.

I can't really cover new ground here, because everyone knows all about it, so I'll just say that the ride is just as awesome as the movie, and has been since 1973. The animatronics are cool. The storyline is funny. The pirates are waaaaay more risque than almost anything else in all of Disney's realm (especially after they got rid of Alien Encounter).

It's one on of the best things Disney's done to integrate their live-action movies with the parks in years, and it made pirates even cooler than they already were.

Also, it's the ONLY ride I've ever risked missing a plane to ride. On one of my trips, I'd missed riding it because it was pouring rain the day I went to Magic Kingdom and the ride had a 4 hour wait or something like that, because most of the queue is covered. Well... I went back the day of my flight just to ride that one thing. Totally worth it.

Plus... I want to be a pirate.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: Of the 126 Animatronic Figures in Pirates of the Caribbean at Walt Disney World, how many are pirates?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

Fooooootball Time

So... last week wasn't the same stellar performance I'd put on the week before, but I still did okay.

9 and 5 and an overall record of 55 - 21. Still not bad at all.

Here we go:
Bengals
Packers
Vikings
Saints
Steelers
Panthers
Redskins
Jags
Seahawks
Eagles
Pats
Jets
Falcons
Broncos

Coming up while I'm gone at Disney World: My Bengals Divorce... Ill timed?

4 Days to Disney: Where's Mickey?

I feel like today's topic, Hidden Mickeys, is something I barely knew about concretely when I did my last Countdown to Disney back in the Fall of 2005. I feel like I recall writing about it, but from a completely theoretical viewpoint, as I'd never been on a Hidden Mickey search, and while I loved the idea of it I'd heard about them between trips and had never experienced them first hand.

Let me briefly explain what a Hidden Mickey is... Basically the imagineers at Disney have made a habit of hiding the image of Mickey Mouse into the backgrounds of rides and walkways and theme parks. It's usually the circular mickey icon (there's one hidden on my blog). The beauty is that these are essentially a signature of the artist. They are not official. They are not cataloged. They are not kept up... They're just there. Some disappear over the years or wear away. I think they're beautiful.

I recall talking about the giant, satellite image view of MGM...how it once was so clearly the face of Mickey and just thinking that was awesome. I still think it's awesome, and honestly with all of the changes and adjustments in the park itself, it has gone from being the greatest Hidden Mickey to being the greatest example of how they're fleeting in some cases. Here's what it looked like 10 years ago, clear as a bell:

Don't get me wrong.. some will be there forever, like this one at the Polynesian:I love this one.

Some of them could go away any day with just the swipe of one careless child, like this one from Mama Melrose's Italian Ristorante in Hollywood Studios:
Some are part of the decor, like this one in Morocco:

And some are more whimsically hidden away, like the viking on the ship with Mickey ears:

Basically, I love them because they're a reward to the people who are paying attention. They're like sharing a secret with the creators (and all of the other people who've bought the books.

Each of those pictures were taken during that 2005 trip. I've got dozens more. I plan on making a concerted effort to take photos of as many as possible on this trip. If I get some cool ones, I'll post about them afterward.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: What other character's face is viewable by satellite image of Hollywood Studios?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

5 Days to Disney: A Magical Journey Indeed

I have no idea why, but Figment has also become the mascot of a few Gay Pride Weekends at Disney World. Seriously. (that's true, by the way).

Of all of the ridiculously nostalgic, overly sentimental choices I've made on this blog-down, this one is so far ahead of all of the others, it really should be called "getting Figmented" when I romanticize something to this degree.

Throughout this experience I've come thisclose to putting "Journey into Imagination" up at least 5 times. The reason I haven't is that really... it's kind of a dumb ride. It's slightly better than El Rio del Tiempo (a ride that I've somehow missed discussing entirely, but could easily have dropped in somewhere along the way for exactly the same reason.) The past version of this ride, when it featured the Dreamfinder, primarily, was incredibly popular. The storyline was that the Dreamfinder created this purple dragon (Figment) and they traveled through places where "imagination" was used. This was the the ride that I knew and loved as a kid. In 1998 Disney changed things up, wholly removing Figment from the ride and basically pissing everyone off in the process.

Disney fans are a fairly vocal group, and they've raised ruckuses before. They went NUTS when Mr. Toad closed. This, however, may be the only time the fans were heeded. It took 4 years, but in 2002, Disney brought back Figment and re-incorporated him into the ride. It's not as good as it once was, though it still features a the song by the Sherman Brothers "One Little Spark", which is pretty fantastic. Still...the ride holds a dear place in my heart, and I effing LOVE Figment. He's hilarious.

So basically I went to write about this ride half a dozen times, but it's not that good, and there's not much to say about it, so I kept putting it off... then I realized about 3 or 4 days ago that it's so much a part of my ultimate Disney experience that not only could I not leave it off, but that it deserved a spot in my Top 7.

It's easily the least attended ride on the list (aside from the People Mover and Carousel of Progress.) I don't know if I've EVER waited more than 5 minutes to ride it. This actually adds to the specialness for me, because it's a guaranteed time-killer and air conditioning surge. It's great.

Basically this ride is so special to me for 1 reason...

It was one of the first rides I rode at Epcot and while it seemed a little "kiddie" even then, there was a charm about it. It also so much embodies all of the beauty of Epcot. Or at the time "E.P.C.O.T." It's a ride about innovation, and imagination, and creativity. It's got a catchy tune and a beloved character. It was probably dated the moment it rolled off, but for some reason it's always captured the... ehem... imagination of the audiences. It's not as good as it once was, but I never feel more permitted to be silly than on that ride. I love it.

And now... The Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: What company has sponsored Journey Into Imagination since it's inception?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.

6 Days to Disney pt 2: The Should Make a Movie

I've had an uncommonly difficult time (for me) coming up with exactly how to write about The Haunted Mansion at Disney World.

The Haunted Mansion is undeniably one of the most iconic and beloved attractions in Disney history. There are versions of it in Disneyland, Disneyland Paris, Disneyland Tokyo and was one of the original E-Ticket rides at Walt Disney World.

It's inspired the most in-depth study in minutia in all of my experiences with Disney, DoomBuggies.com, an entire website dedicated to each and every in and out of the Haunted Mansion, both at Disneyland and Disney World. It's an incredible site. The founders of it also have off-shot into doing TellNoTales.com and Mousetalgia.com, but DoomBuggies is the best.

What makes The Haunted Mansion so special? It combines most of the hallmarks of creativity and imagination that Disney is famous for...

The architecture of each individual Haunted Mansion is different, but appropriate for the area in the Magic Kingdom each is located. The original in Disneyland is fashioned like an old plantation house nestled in the New Orleans square "land". The one in Disney World is designed to fit into the colonial New England setting of the surrounding "Liberty Square".

The details of the ride are insane. From beginning to end, it's one of the most immersive experiences in the park. The ride workers are all dressed as serving staff for the mansion. Their demeanors and their dialogue is letter perfect. I have often dreamed about being the employee based in the "loading area" where everyone walks into the room with no doors and the "servant" says "Please go to the dead center of the room." It's funny every time.

One of the strokes of genius in this ride is the loading system. The attendant takes a set number of people at a time into the room where there is a short scene where the room "stretches" in a pretty incredible effect. At the right moment, the secret door opens and people are ushered into the ride loading area with the moving walkway and into the "Doom Buggies", the special ride vehicles designed by Disney Imagineers. It's all timed perfectly so that the line is always moving and the waits never seem long.

The effects on the ride are also great. There are so many, it would be difficult list them, so I'll just refer you again to DoomBuggies.com and just mention a couple...

The busts in the library that turn and follow you. You think this is simple, that they're just on a pivot, until you realize that each person has the same experience and the things can't face each way at once. Turns out they made the busts in relief, so in fact they are concave. This creates the same illusion of depth, but allows it to seem like the faces are turning.

The face of Madam Leota in crystal ball. It's now a hologram, which makes it even cooler, but it's another that is basically a 3D projection.

I could go on all day about The Haunted Mansion... The music "Grim Grinning Ghosts" features the voice of Thurl Ravencroft, who also famously voiced Tony the Tiger. The dancing ghosts scene in the ball room is great (and done in reflection). It's funny, and a little (tiny) bit scary, and really really cool. The wait is rarely long because of the loading system, and it's a legend. There's really nothing more to say. It's among the first things I think about when I think about Disney World. Can't miss it. Usually ride at least twice.

And now... The (2nd) Disney Trivia Question of the Day

Question: Who is the voice of the "Ghost Host" in the Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World?

If you think you know, please send an e-mail to blog@beefymuchacho.com

Everyone with the correct answer will receive a point. An incorrect answer gets 1/2 a point. The person with the most points will get a Limted Edition Pin purchased during my stay.

Standings are being updated daily at http://www.beefymuchacho.com/ on the "Contests" page.

I'll repost the questions with the answers at the end of the contest.