Happy Birthday, Walt Disney World.

Yesterday marked the 40^th Anniversary of the opening of Walt Disney World in Florida. If you’ve ever visited my blog, you’ll know that this is a big deal to me, and that Disney World is my favorite place on Earth.

To honor this milestone I present you with…

The Top 5 Things Disney World Needs to Do to Keep Moving Forward

Get Back to Basics.


One of the things that has drawn so many people into the Disney Experience over the years is the company’s legendary, outstanding customer service. Heck, I even invoked the Disney Service name when I interviewed for my first job in private aviation, when I knew nothing about planes.

The thing is… that level of service has slipped just a little over the past 10 years or so.

There was a time that nobody came close, and now… well.. they’re still the best, but the margin has slimmed. It’s not unusual to see a cast member texting, or complaining about how long their shift is. I shouldn’t say it’s a common occurrence, but not long ago there was no chance of that happening. It’s not just the cast members running the rides or selling the merchandise… One of my favorite rides for years was The Great Movie Ride at what used to be MGM Studios. The best part of it was that there were actors on the ride, interacting with you… These days the actors suck ass. That’s just an example.

Don’t get me wrong. Disney is still the best at what they do, and we’re talking just tiny tweaks. And even moreso, there are still many, many cast members who wanted to work for Disney for the very reasons I’ve mentioned… It’s why I would like to work for them. The majority of the cast members are top notch, and they love what they do. I just want Disney to make it a point to get back to being so much better than every other theme park when it comes to the customer experience, that the “Wizarding World of Harry Potter” would shut the hell up.

Expand Animal Kingdom.


I’m probably one of the most unabashed supporters of Disney’s Animal Kingdom Park, but even I admit that it’s not a full day experience like Magic Kingdom or Epcot, and it doesn’t have the big giant draws that Studios has. (With the exception of Expedition Everest, which is awesome.) There’s just not a lot to do. If you don’t want to get absolutely soaked, you need to skip one of the biggest rides, in Kali River Rapids. If you’re bored with watching animals in their natural environment, you’ll skip the Kilimanjaro Safari. If you aren’t interested in taking the full hour or so needed to go to Rafiki’s Planet Watch, you’ll skip that. Basically there are only a couple of big draws in the park, and I’d venture to say that only one of those actually entices people to go to AK. This has got to change.

Fortunately (I think), the company just announced a big expansion to the park based on the film “Avatar”, which.. while I initially was very disappointed in, but once I thought it through more, and realized that it’s more likely to be based on the world of Pandora from the film (and the upcoming 2 more films that take place elsewhere in that world), the more excited I am. This opens up a whole world of possibilities, even potentially re-starting the “Beastly Kingdom” expansion that has long been discussed. See? Disney’s listening to me already.

Spruce Up The World Showcase


The World Showcase at Epcot is one of my favorite things about Disney, and it’s clearly the Tofu Muchacha’s favorite out of anything. There are so many cool shops and attractions, and the architecture and theming is really cool. One of the things that impressed me the most about Disney as a 13 year old first timer was how all of the countries were populated entirely by people from their respective countries (i.e. The Germany Pavilion is entirely staffed by Germans).

So, what do I mean by “spruce up”? Well…

There are 2 things that need to be done, definitely.

First, there’s spot way out there by Germany and China that is simply called “The Outpost”. This very clearly has to be developed into another country. Some countries that never got through the planning stages are Israel, Russia, Venezuela, and the UAE. My personal vote would be something like Brazil… Something completely different than all of the other countries. As it is right now, there’s just this semi-offensive area that vaguely represents a white bread African hut with generic misters and whatnot. It’s just lazy. Get a country in there. There hasn’t been a new one since The Norway Pavilion was opened in 1988.

Second, Disney needs to go systematically through each pavilion and determine if there’s anything that can be added or improved to the existing country pavilions. For example, while many of the counties have either movies (China, Canada, France, Norway) or exhibits (China, Japan) or Rides (Norway, Mexico) or… national embarrassments (USA), there are several that don’t really feature any sort of attraction to speak of (Britain, Italy, Germany, Morocco).

Let’s talk briefly about the aforementioned “National Embarrassment”. Currently the largest pavilion and the gaudiest show in the park, if not at Disney World is The American Pavilion, and the attached show “The American Adventure”. Yes, it’s impressive. Yes, it’s sort of vaguely emotional. Still…. I think it’s inexcusable. It’s like throwing your own birthday party and then giving yourself a better gift than anyone else gave you. We should all be embarrassed. We should all skip “The American Adventure”. I mean… I think it’s more than anything a redundancy. We’re LIVING The “American Adventure” every fucking day. It’s like a vanity plate on a Hummer. (Says the guy with the vanity plate).

Figure out The Studios.


When I first visited Disney World in 1993, my favorite park was Disney’s MGM Studios. It had this magical Disney feel that combined the romanticism of movies just around the time I was first developing a love for movies and movie making. There was all of this “old Hollywood” charm that I probably enjoyed more than any 13 year old straight kid ever did. Oh, and the rides were all fresh and fun and new. As in…everything was at the most, four years old.

Now? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still many, many things I love about the place. I think the visuals of the place are absolutely incredible, even down to the fact that the original layout was a Hidden Mickey visible from space. They had Star Wars and Indiana Jones. They had the best shops in the whole of Walt Disney World (That’s actually probably still true.) It was really freaking awesome.

Sadly, as the emphasis of the part became more weighted toward the dual thrill rides of Rock’n’Roller Coaster and The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the rest of the part went neglected for a little too long. The Great Movie Ride, once one of my favorite things about Disney World (in fact you will have seen it appear very high on my “Favorite Things” lists leading up to two past Disney vacations) has not been updated for like… ever. The acting is bad. The movies featured aren’t that recent, or even that relatable at this point. There’s really not a lot of things to “do”, but rather a crapload of things to “see”. This is problematic, because it makes it difficult to navigate the whole park in a day. You can certainly experience the 5 (that’s right, only 5) rides and attractions:

The Great Movie Ride
Tower of Terror
Rock-n-Roller Coaster
Star Tours
Toy Story Mania

If you go in looking to only do those 5 things, and you get there early on an light day, you’re done by noon. The problem is… there are something like 19 shows. There’s no way you can ever see 19 shows in one day. Maybe not even two. There’s just so much waiting in lines, and then waiting in audiences. It’s just become this sort of boring park.

Wow… that was a lot of background for my point… sorry..

They’ve made strides, certainly. Star Tours has been re-done to with a new theme and new movie. Pixar has taken up residence, which is kind of awesome. The American Idol experience is a fun diversion (especially if you make it onto the “show”), though I can’t imagine much more shelf-life of it, especially after Idol finally takes it’s final bow. I believe there’s been talk of updating the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular (woefully outdated still featuring Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is the same thing it was when I was 13), to be a Pirates of the Caribbean Stunt Show. That would be awesome.

Seriously, though… come on, guys….update the Great Movie Ride. Add more rides to the Pixar area. Where’s that Monster’s Inc roller coaster? Maybe something new with the Muppets?

It’s getting almost to the point where the visit to The Studios is perfunctory, and not anticipated with the glee it once was.

Think “Long Term Legacy”.


Listen… I am a capitalist. I have never been offended by a company (whose goal is to make money) trying to make money. I believe that there’s no inherent higher call to be charitable or anything like that.

But what I don’t like, specifically with Walt Disney World, is when the company chooses to capitalize on short term, fad type things, and focus less on the long term things that will last a long time and will create that nostalgic feel that keeps people coming back year after year and generation after generation. This, again, is what separates Disney from their “competitors”. Disney creates stand-alone iconic rides like “It’s a Small World” and “The Haunted Mansion” and “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Rides that spawned films. The competition creates rides based on popular movies. The problem with that, is that those movies fade most of the time, and then you have this dated ride. Think “Twister” at Universal. That was a cool attraction, but I guarantee that most of the teens at Universal have never seen the movie.

My preference is to see less advantage taken of the “Princess” fad. Or the “Pirates” fad. I understand that the company wants to make the money when the money is there to be made, but I wish they’d sometimes do a little better to integrate theming and more lasting motifs into their money makers. I can think of two examples of where this sort of “brand marketing” failed, and crowds either complained long enough to change things, or that time is coming soon..

The Enchanted Tiki Room is one of the legendary attractions at Disney World. Walt himself famously talked to a mechanical parrot, teasing the attraction. About 15 years ago, they decided that the classic version of the ride wasn’t cutting it anymore, so they added the currently popular Iago from Aladdin and Zazu from The Lion King. Not to say that those weren’t both great movies. They are. Still… the show never had the same timeless resonance that it once did, so while the interest was briefly increased, ultimately it petered out.

The other example is the once great “Alien Encounter”. Now… I understand why they got rid of that attraction. Ultimately the Magic Kingdom is a park for kids more than anything, and that was a damned scary attraction. But it also was awesome. And unique. And not tied to anything in particular, so had it been in a different environment, it could have lasted as long as they wanted. So they replaced it, almost entirely with a watered down version featuring Stitch. I LOVE Stitch, but this is one of the dumbest things in the whole park. People hate it. Everyone hates it.

Damn, I’m rambling today.

So I guess my final point for this is that Disney knows how to make money. They know they can make money by constantly changing their target and going after whatever is the most popular thing at any given moment in time. They could also choose to seek out the possibly harder to find, but ultimately more valuable timeless classic. I just wish they’d quit so blatantly going after the first, and start going after the second again.

I know I sound like I’m complaining here. I mean… I feel that way. You have to know, though, that I struggled coming up with these 5 things. There are so many amazing things that I always talk about, I sometimes feel like it’s okay to talk about the ways they can still improve. Walt Disney himself famously said “Keep Moving Forward”.

Disney does it the best. They’ve got the best idea people, the best artists, the best everything, and that’s why I go back as often as the TM will allow me. All of the things I suggest are small in proportion to the magic the place makes every day.

Happy Birthday, Disney World. My favorite place.

Ramblings of the Night Shift

Friends! I have returned.

I apologize for the long absence, but I’ve recently changed companies, and I’ve spent the past month training and preparing to be a full time “Third Shifter”.

You all may think I’m a little crazy, but it’s definitely a change for the better. I loved my old company in a lot of ways, but the time commitment was getting to be too much, and too much of a strain. This may be an overnight shift, but the time outside of work is so much less that I just had to take the opportunity.

Not to worry, though… You, my wonderful readers, have been in my thoughts. Now that I’m all adjusted and whatnot, I’ve thought of a new feature for the ol’ blog. I call it “Ramblings of the Night Shift”.

These will be my mostly unedited, free flowing thoughts that I have as I experience the permanent jet lag of working from 10pm to 8am for days at a time each week. Don’t expect the longer form type stuff I generally write, though those will hopefully come around as well. These will be shorter and probably incongruous. So… ENJOY!

Ramblings 1

What kind of moron does Jerome Simpson have to be? The guy FINALLY gets his chance to be a starter, and potentially a big-time producer for an NFL team. The guy has got to be making 500K a year if he’s making a fucking dollar, and he’s moonlighting as a fucking pot donkey. The guy had SIX POUNDS of pot in his condo. The Bengals have drafted some real idiots in the past, but if these things turn out to be true, he’s definitely the dumbest one. That’s right up there with Donald Little torturing his roommate with a hot coat hangar, or Art Long punching a horse… I’m troubled that the only really dumb crimes I can come up with were perpetrated by UC Basketball players…

I’m starting to worry about how I’m going to use the bathroom. Not like… in general, but at work. I’m the only person here, and part of my performance is charted by how many phone calls I miss during a shift. The phone isn’t going to ring off the hook or anything, but that makes missing a call even worse. I’m not totally sure I can go 10 hours while also eating my scheduled small and nutritious snacks (as advised by the TM) and my scheduled lunch. Plus I have to stay hydrated. I’m actually starting to have a little mini panic about it. I like going to the bathroom. I don’t like holding it.

The Charlie Sheen Roast is playing behind me in another department. Charlie Sheen is a total lunatic. Not in the funny way. I am glad the fervor faded at least a little since the total blow-up over the winter. What a mess that was. Anyway, I’m getting distracted… I don’t understand why the roasters always pick on each other more than they pick on the roastee. It seems kinda dumb. There was a pretty funny guy named Anthony Jeselnik. Nobody knows who the hell he is, but he was fucking hilarious. I will be looking up more of him. (Apparently he was named one of the top up and coming comics of 2009… like anyone keeps track of that bullshit).

I'm So Vain: A Poll

Hey folks-

I got a new car, and I am getting vanity plates. I know... I know... Shhhhhhh

So, I'm putting it to you, my readers, to vote on the final decision:

CHOOSE THE MUCHACHO'S VANITY PLATE
	CPN HOOK
	BEEFY 16
	DZNY DAN
	JET DAN 1
	TAIL NBR
pollcode.com free polls

I have to order them soon, so the results will be final as of the end of the business day on Friday.

Thanks in advance for voting!

The NCAA is Dumb

I love this picture for so many reasons, but primarily because he's a Cardinals fan.

I know most people who read my blog don't care about sports. So... my apologies. I guess just check back in another two weeks and see if I've been irritated by something else.

Of course, soon enough, I'll be blogging more about my very fast approaching Disney trip, so you have that other thing nobody cares about to look forward to.

As I was driving home last evening from a rousing viewing of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, (a very bizarre movie about Computers and Wizards), I heard that the University of Miami (Florida) (Only people from Ohio feel the need to clarify) has been linked to "thousands" of NCAA Rules Violations stemming from their football players getting illegal benefits from some dude, who also happens to be in jail for being a part of a near-billion dollar ponzi scheme.

There's all this talk about how this will affect the College Football Landscape and what will be done to punish The U and whatnot, and the ridiculously drastic phrase "Death Penalty" was being bandied about like they're actually talking about something that matters. Las Vegas sports books have taken the first game of the season against "off the board" making it un-bettable.

What a bunch of mother fucking drama queens.

Here's what I don't get... Why in the world does it matter? Is it to impose some sort of relevance on the NCAA, a notoriously ridiculous and pointless organization? An organization whose sole purpose at this point is to hold hostage the keys to the imaginary chastity belts of any given players' standing as a "student athlete". Student athlete...a term so laughably antiquated that the NCAA itself seems to have difficulty defining it.

And what a bunch of mother fucking hypocrites.

According to the rules, a "student athlete" can't receive any sort of compensation or benefit that would entice them to come to a school, or once at the school, can't receive any sort of benefit beyond the benefits they receive as a scholarshipped athlete. This includes being provided hookers, cars, cash, tattoos in exchange for memorabilia, or really anything that can be construed as a benefit bestowed on them because of their status. There are even limits to the amount of money a "student athlete" can earn while working a non-sports related part time job.

This is dumb. Oh... and completely un-enforceable.

The popular radio duo on ESPN Radio, Mike and Mike, argued about the issue this morning. Mike Greenberg believes that regulating the payout of illegal benefits is completely impossible, as has been proven true by years of failure. His solution is to eliminate the rules against it. Mike Golic (a former Notre Dame and NFL player) believes that the rules are necessary, and likens it to the rules against performance enhancing drugs. Greenberg stated over and over again that these aren't the same, and while he had a difficult time correctly articulating why, I don't have that same problem.

The differences are simple:
1) You can't TEST for illegal money or abortions or boats or whatever. It's all sort of grey area. Well... not all of it, but short of having something in writing that says "I gave Cam Newton $X.XX dollars to play football at Auburn University", every circumstance is littered with grey. On the other hand, there are several ways to conclusively test for performance enhancing drugs. Nothing grey about that, aside from every single one of them claiming they thought they were taking B-12.

2) The money, or the sex parties, or the mall trips, or the tattoos don't affect the athlete's performance on the field, whereas the drugs, in fact, do. They're actually called "Performance Enhancing Drugs". This, to me, is the only distinction worth mentioning, even. Reggie Bush would have been the best football player on the field at USC had he received a beach house or not. Would Tony Mandarich have been the best college football player way back in 1991 if he hadn't loaded himself with more drugs than Pablo Escobar's entertainment hutch? The answer is muddier.

The NCAA spends thousands of man hours investigating how much Tyrelle Pryor benefitted from trading his bowl rings for tattoos (as if that bullshit made any difference to anything that happens EITHER in the classroom or on the field.

Somehow this is what the NCAA has become. This sort of fascist accountant.

So what do I think should be done?

1) Keep the drugs illegal. As I said, they're testable, and have been proven to enhance performance.

2) Make the NCAA focus on academic issues. Cheating on exams, not taking exams, not taking enough credits, having other students write papers.... All of the things that could potentially make an athlete ACADEMICALLY ineligible. These are legitimate issues and things that need to be handled by the NCAA (and the colleges themselves).

3) Let the kids take whatever money, handies, boats, cars, houses they are offered, and by whomever offers it. We live in a free market society. Let the kids operate as capitalists, and treat themselves as industries.

Whoa Muchacho... won't the rich get richer?

I don't think so. I mean... I have no proof of this, since I'm writing this whole blog from the hip, but here's what I think...

First, most of the colleges out there are "dirty" by today's standards to one degree or another, so the actual difference may not be as big as one might assume.

Second, there are still the academic requirements that have to be considered. Duke and Notre Dame still can't accept certain students simply because they can't get into the schools.

Third, there are still scholarship and roster limits. John Calipari could officially offer each of the 20 McDonalds All-Americans money to come to UK (as if he doesn't already), and that doesn't mean that they would all come, NOR SHOULD THEY. You go to a high-profile school to get playing time, and TV time, and get to "the league". A dude can't get to the league sitting on the bench, and if the team is stacked from top to bottom with stars, everyone gets slighted.

I actually believe the schools will monitor themselves a bit. You need role players. You need character guys. You need the unselfish point guards. Just because they CAN offer money to everyone, doesn't mean they WILL.

I think things may even level out more than we think. There are guys who may not rate a money offer from UK or UNC who would normally go there, but Pepperdine is offering 50K instead...

I was talking to my dad, the Beefy Padre, about this, and he thinks the real issue with creating a free-market approach to the whole business is that it opens up the sports world to a higher likelihood of gambling problems, or fixed games, or points shaving, or whatever.

I'm not convinced this would be a problem with my solution, because the motivating factor for most of these issues is the "forbidden money", so if the money can come from anywhere, and the players can legitimately receive money from other sources, the gambling element wouldn't have as much pull. Personally, I think it's probably a bigger risk as it is now.

The real solution is: Ban gambling on college events. Stop laughing.

Seriously, though... that's the solution. Of course the NCAA is pleased as punch to collect dollar after dollar on casino promotions, and gambling kick-backs, and all that nonsense. They'd NEVER give that up. Not to mention that gambling on college basketball and football is a HUGE moneymaker for the casinos.

Anyway, it all doesn't matter, because the NCAA will never fix the problem. Or admit that it really isn't a problem. Or admit that there are real problems they should be concentrating on...

Did you know that the NCAA regulates what kind of meals schools can provide their athletes? Breakfasts can consist of Bagels, fruit, and nuts. That sounds okay, right? Well... Cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly... Those are not included, so if a school gives the player a bagel, they better fucking make sure he eats that bitch dry, or they've committed a "minor rules violation."

That is not a joke. This is what the idiots are worried about. There's no hope for collegiate sports.

8 Lives too Many

Oh... if we only knew then.

We have four cats.

Four.

I've mentioned them before. Little Walter (not so little. Fat, really), and Little Roy. Zoro and Sammy. They're a fun little furry bunch. They play, and eat, and fight, and snuggle with each other (and us when we're lucky). Oh... and they pee.

God damnit do they pee.

If you think this sounds ominous, like one of those blogs where the crazy person telegraphs the murder spree they're about to set forth upon... You may be right.

Let me state again, and for the record, that I love these cats. That love is tried every day by one cat in particular. Roy has decided to have separation anxiety like nobody's business. When the TM leaves the house? He pees. When she gets home after a long time away? He pees.

On the bed. On the couch. On the extension cords. On my socks. On the power strips. On the floor. On the mail. I'm certain there are more.

I live in fear that I'll sit in cat pee. Or that I'll go to open my mail, and it will be yellow and damp and stinking of ammonia. It's no way to live, I tells ya.

So, we've now become slaves to the cat. It's amazing. He's the smallest, shyest one, but we are fully wrapped around his left paw-paw.

It started small.

The TM bought us rubber sheets. She'll argue it wasn't as bad as all that, but yeah. Rubber. Sheets. Like we're fucking bed-wetters. This wasn't exactly a preemptive measure, we realized, but our understanding of the psychology of the cat was primitive at the time.

In conjunction to the shameful rubber sheets, we also started rewarding the cats with treats when they peed in the litter boxes in front of us. Just to be clear, we were now rewarding the cats for doing something even baby kittens figure out in about 6 seconds.

This worked for a little while. We call this period in our history "The Great Pee-ce". I realize this needs a little work, but we can't all have a "Black Death".

So this time of prosperity lasted for a long time. Well... you know...there was a weird time over the Winter when this strange cat was prowling around outside, and we had a couple of sporadic incidents, but still.... a relative peace.

Nearly a whole year. Unfortunately, about 3 months ago, the TM and I decided to re-do the floor of our bedroom, and things were... disrupted. Suddenly we started noticing a distinct "pee smell" on things like extension cords... Floors. And then again... the bed.

We started to realize that his pee habits were connected to the TM's comings and goings. The crazy ass cat has fucking separation anxiety. The TM started making a beeline to the litter boxes as soon as we'd get home and wait to reward him for "making the peepees". It's certainly not dignified.

Whenever he'd have an "accident" she'd blame herself for not paying closer attention to his signs. She was doing some research after a particularly nasty and wet week, and read all kinds of "solutions". The one she felt had the most credibility was this DVD called "Cat Sitter" where it shows hours worth of footage of various small wildlife doing their things... Rats, Hamsters, Butterflies, Parrots, etc... Apparently the trigger times for anxious cats are the 15 minutes before people leave and the 15 minutes after the get home (I have no idea how people know this).

So we head to the pet store and buy the cats a video. I was very sad for us that day. We tested it out in our living room and yes... the cats were HYPNOTIZED. They stood there pawing at my beautiful flat screen, and I started twitching. It was working, but I had this horrible vision of coming home to find my TV on the floor with cat scratch marks all across her screen...

The TM must have sensed my worry, so she suggested getting a little TV for the kitchen where the cats could paw with impunity. This was a pretty aggressive suggestion on the TMs part since she barely tolerates TV for humans. A TV just for cats is... like whoa.

So out we went. I was thinking we'd get some cheap little TV at a cheap little store, but no... The TM went all out and she bought a DVD/TV combo that is really the nicest kitchen TV a cat could have. Really more like a nice dorm TV.

Now we have a TV for our peeing cats. She turns on the TV before we leave, plays their little video, and sets the sleep timer... Crossing our fingers each and every time that the damned animals will be distracted just long enough to forget that we left.

And you know... it's working... mostly. We had a snag when we went to New York for 2 days a couple of week ago, and when we got home, there was like a pee explosion. On the table. On the floor. And most horrifically... our couch. The place where I sit most of the time at the house. It was like a punishment.

So... To Recap...

Rubber Sheets
Litter Box Treats
Routine Pee-Watching
VIDEOS
a TV

and still... there was pee.

We were at the pet store, loading up on pet odor remover, because that's what our life has become, and we come across this pheromone thing that plugs into the wall. It looked intriguing, because it claims to put out some sort of crazy hormones that tell the cats to calm the fuck down. So we bought that. And of course, if it works, we're tacitly agreeing to also buy the monthly refills.

An endless money pit, these cats.

And so far? It's working. I mean... we assume. Since this cat is smarter than us, we can only guess that the most recent remedy has made the difference, but for all I know the fucker is angling for me to buy him a car or something. Or have a daily fish delivery or whatever.

Can I get rid of him? No. He's the TWIN BROTHER of the sweetest, most well-behaved of the cats, and they are bonded so tightly we could never separate them.

The cat has us over a barrel. It's a pretty defeating feeling, I must admit.

How can you stay mad at this:He very likely is plotting where he'll pee next. Probably on this laptop.