Adventures in Abdominal Distress

About a week and a half ago, I gave made my second foray into burger town.

The first time around wasn't what I'd call an unreserved success. There were cooking issues and texture issues. I gave it a "B-". I'll be honest and say that I was a little discouraged. I know that's utterly ridiculous. You can't create a masterpiece the first time out. But I was discouraged nonetheless.

So anyway, I did what I could to shake it off and planned another burger experiment, and got started with the planning...

I really like the idea of a spicy burger. Something that has a good amount of heat to it, but is still really flavorful. Not just hot. My solution on how to accomplish that was to cut the usual ground beef with a spicy ground italian sausage. Keeping in mind that the last burger was waaaaay too greasy, and knowing that sausage wouldn't exactly help the situation, I went with some good ol' Laura's Lean Beef. It's a 93/7 ratio. To that mixture I also added cayenne pepper and diced onion.

To top the sausage burger, I went with a hot pepper cheese and some more of that hot banana pepper and tomato relish I made the last time, only adding a couple of features. More on that in a moment.

Once again... the burger came out real, real pretty.

Oh, and it tasted pretty good. I am almost 100% certain that the Tofu Muchacha liked it better than Burger # 1.

Ugh... I'm totally bored with talking about this thing... It was alright. It wasn't great. The sausage flavor was good, but not spicy enough. For me it was a bit too much like a breakfast burger... not that that wouldn't be a valid thing to eat for breakfast, but while the pork sausage provided a nice richness, it wasn't exactly the right kind of spiciness. Next time, I think I'm going to try to mix in some sort of spice mix as opposed to multiple kinds of meats. I think the mixed mediums once again made regulating the cooking of patty too difficult to gauge, much with the cheese the last time. No more of that for a while.

Also, I liked the flavor of the hot pepper cheese, but it didn't melt very well. The Tofu Muchacha suggested creating a "steam hood" around the burger to help the melting along. I actually, think the burger would have cooked through as well.

All in all, once again the highlight of the burger was the relish. I tossed finely diced 2 roma tomatoes and a handful of hot banana peppers. To that mixture I added some spicy mustard, honey, Franks Redhot, and fresh grated ginger.

I think I've hit on something with the relish. It's effing delicious.

Now... All of that said, this burger was pretty okay. It wasn't spectacular, but I liked it. I liked it well enough to bring one to work the next day. That turned out to be a mistake. It's possible the second burger didn't cook enough, and the pork was a little raw. It's possible that it made me a little sick. All I know is that I felt completely insane the rest of the day at work. I felt like I was slurring words, and I know for a fact that I was having a difficult time focusing on tasks.

Then I barfed.

If not for the barfing, I'd give it a "B-". I think barfing automatically lowers the grade. "C"

A Journey of 1000 Miles Begins with a Single Burger

For whatever reason, one of my life dreams is to open a really good, really fun burger restaurant. The goal is to provide an inexpensive but awesome burger to people. I'd stay open late. I'd have live music. Most importantly, I'd have some seriously kick-ass burgers. I even have the best name for it... Beefy Muchachos! (It's no accident that my logo is an anthropomorphic jalapeno)

Actually... that's just about the only thing I have. I don't have any real cooking expertise (I mean... I'm good in the kitchen, but I certainly wouldn't say I'm any better than the above average hobbyist.) I don't have the capital. I don't have the business sense. I don't have a location. I don't have a menu.

Well... Some of these are long-term issues... The money and location and business sense will be things that may never become easier or more available, but I can be damned sure that if I ever do get those ducks in a row that I'd have the menu and expertise in my pocket.

I made a resolution that once every 2 weeks I'd try a new burger recipe, and I've made the Tofu Muchacha agree to be my test subject.

Oh... I probably should mention that while I've certainly eaten my share of burgers in my time, I've never actually made a burger from scratch before. Ridiculous, I know. Probably even more ridiculous considering my ambitions, but nobody ever told me I was sane.

Last night was the inaugural burger making adventure. (What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day with a possibly disgusting burger and The Wolfman?)

I'd seen a burger on Diner's, Drive-Ins, and Dives (on the Food Network) where this restaurant put the cheese inside the burger, and it oozed out. I loved this idea, and wanted to make my own version of it. Mine was the Inside-Out Bacon Cheeseburger.

My burger mixture included finely chopped onions, salt, pepper, and ground chuck. I cooked some bacon strips, finely chopped them, and then mixed the cooked bacon into the mixture as well. I sliced quarter-inch chunks of cheddar cheese and folded them into the center of my portioned out beef. Each patty was about a quarter-pound of beef. Then onto the griddle they went.

For a condiment/topping I made a quick mix of chopped hot banana peppers and roma tomato (drizzled with a little bit of honey).

They sure looked pretty:

Oh...those are sweet potato fries tossed with olive oil, Frank's Red Hot, salt and pepper.

Aaaand here are the critiques...

The Good:
-- The onions were really, really tasty. They added a great texture and really created a good depth to the flavor of the meat.
-- The relish was super tasty. It was a little over-powered by the burger, but that seemed to be more a function of the proportions of the whole thing.
-- The cheese inside worked really well. It kinda bled out some, but that's okay, because it created a kind of cheesy crust in the places where it exploded.
-- The bacon flavor was really nice. I'll talk more about the bacon in a moment.
-- The flavor of the sweet potato fries was really good. The kick the Frank's Red Hot provided was excellent.

The Bad:
-- Because of how thick the burgers were, and how the cheese on the inside melted pretty readily, it was hard to tell when the burgers were done completely. I ended up under-cooking them on the griddle (even though the outside was perfect). I ended up having to microwave them, which bummed me out.
-- The bacon texture didn't come through as much as I'd have liked. It's possible that in order for the texture to stand out enough, I'd have to pre-cook the bacon a lot more to make it super crispy beforehand... but I'm not sure how that'd work in regards to not overcooking it within the beef.
-- The burger was too thick in general. I watched that burger episode again on the Food Network, and I kinda see that those folks make 2 thin burgers, place the cheese in the middle, and then seal the edges. I'll try that the next time for sure.
-- As I mentioned, the relish was a little over-powered. I think that can be fixed by making the burger thinner. We'll see...
-- The bun. It was just a generic "honey" burger bun. I think it might have been better with sesame or poppyseed. Something a little more dynamic.

Overall I think we're looking at a B- for the first effort, which really isn't all that bad. If we're snowed in tonight, which I think we will be, I'm going to try a couple new things (this time with ground turkey...because that's what we have.) The idea of the burger still really appeals to me, but the execution needs work.

Oh... lastly... The sweet potato fries were super tasty, but I wasn't able to bake them and make them crispy on the outside. Does anyone know how to avoid frying them, but still getting them crispy on the outside?