3 Months Forever

Now I'm committed...

Some of you know (if you've read from the start of my blog in the Summer of 2008) that I had gastric bypass surgery in January 2008. Since that time I've lost over 185 pounds and my life has changed drastically. That's great and all, and to a large degree I've had very little to worry about in the realm of weight loss since then. It's pretty tough to NOT lose weight when your stomach can't even take in more than a certain amount. Aside from running for 2 months last Summer until my knees couldn't take it any longer, I've been extremely inconsistent with my exercising. Well... eventually the losing slows and stops. Then you're really just maintaining, and as your stomach pouch slightly stretches it's possible to slide back...

The metabolism slows as the calorie intake drops. That's natural. Your body stops burning calories as rapidly, because it thinks you're in a state of deprivation. It stores more. After the surgery there's a natural rubber-banding when once you've reached your low weight, it rises some...

Well... I'm not having it. I was miserable for years because of my weight. I fucked up my knees and my feet. I can't even entertain the idea of backsliding. So... in front of my friends and my readers I'm placing on myself the following challenge...

For 3 months, starting May 1st (I'll explain why I'm waiting 2 weeks in a minute)...

-- I'm going to be a vegetarian. This is really a no brainer for me. I have more difficulty with eating meat than any other type of food. It doesn't process well. It usually makes me feel sick. I love the taste of it, but I've been thinking for a while that the trade-off isn't worth it. Now the Tofu Muchacha can help me introduce more Tofu...

-- I'm cutting out fried foods and sweets (with the exception of Jello)... This sounds drastic, but to be honest with you, I live perpetually on a slippery slope... Better to cut it out entirely... I've never been good at moderation. Just because my tiny stomach pouch enforces moderation for me, doesn't mean I should lean on that.

-- Why 2 weeks from now? I want to give myself as much of the 3 months of pain-free exercise as possible. As I mentioned earlier my knees are totally jacked up. Last Fall I went to see a doctor about them, and aside from recommending surgery, his only other solution were these silicate injections that sort of create a synthetic lubricant between my joints. Well, I need to make an appointment to get these injections. The effects won't be instantaneous, but if I can get a head start on making my knees a little happier, I'll take it.

-- I'll be attempting to do P90X. It's an extremely popular work-out program that claims to make a huge fitness impact in the span of 90 days. I've started and stopped it a couple of times already, though not particularly recently. This will be my biggest challenge, as I need to carve out at least 80 minutes (with workout and shower) every day, and that's easier said than done. Of course... I've spent an hour on this blog (I half wrote a different, unpublishable one)... The time DOES exist.

So... We'll see how it goes. I don't have a weight loss goal. I'm not concerned with losing more weight, really. Just want to feel healthier. Possibly tone. Sharpen my jawline...

Come May 1st, I'll officially announce the start. I'll post weekly updates at least, and I'll likely have a lot to say about the ills of tofu.

Thanks for indulging me.

B.U.I.

So... do you remember that one night (just the one) where you got drunk (or...whatever) and you went into the kitchen lookin' for something to snack upon, and... nothing there seemed to fulfill all of your drunken food requirements.

Sure...there were the pretzels with their salty, crunchy goodness, but they didn't hit that sweet tooth at all.

Yes... there were the leftover buffalo wings with the grease-bomb core that would be oh-so-tasty, but you just didn't think you had enough ranch and it made you cry a little.

Of course you had that bag of 2 week old circus peanuts that were certain to make the most colorful puke possible, which of course had a certain appeal, but didn't have the salt your little heart most desired.

So what did you do? You took those wings and put them on a plate. On top of them, you crumbled a bunch of those pretzels, and then you generously portioned out some of the orangest circus peanuts you ever saw right on top. Popped them in the microwave for 100 seconds, and then you chowed the fuck down. Heaven.

Until the next day, of course, when you woke up with a bloody lip and melted peanut remnants on your shirt, and a penis drawn on your face in that ranch you found later in the last place you expected it to be (the refrigerator). That's when your Circus Chicken Nacho Extravaganza (you named the dish and made up a song even, that you can't remember now), doesn't seem like such a good idea. When you can't stand up straight because your stomach is exploding from deep within... you know your drunken experimentations were unwise. And you curse your friends for taking those pictures where you're performing lewd acts on the arm of a chair in your grandparent's basement.

So anyway, that's what happened with my latest Beefy Muchacho Baking Adventure. Except I wasn't drunk. The pie crust was. I was B.U.I.; Baking Under the Influence. And despite my lack of any actual alcohol consumption, I feel that my vodka laden dough was leading me down a dangerous path... Allow me to take you back to the beginning... two weeks ago...

You'll recall I made my second pie in as many weeks, the Mexican Pecan Fiesta Pie (The name keeps getting bigger, doesn't it?), and I vowed to make my own pie crust the next time. I felt like a pretender. A fraud. A glorified Stir-er. So, my aunt, an excellent (near legendary, really) baker sent me a pie crust recipe....

A Vodka Pie Crust.

That's right. A pie crust with vodka in it. Sounds delightful doesn't it? I don't know either, but she claimed that you can't taste the vodka at all, and it merely inhibits the formation of gluten (or some such) and that it makes a more tender crust.

Apparently the vodka also makes me fucking crazy. I went in search of a pie recipe. I wanted to do something simple, because if it was really crazy it would possibly make the crust evaluation more difficult. I found in The Book an apple pie recipe that seemed simple enough, so I headed off to the store with a short list of ingredients (I also made chili, but that's not particularly noteworthy...though I will say that bacon is an interesting addition).

Needless to say, by the time I'd left the store, my plans had grown a bit more complex, and I'm blaming the booze.

Here be the Mise en Place: You'll note a thing or two not typically included in an apple pie recipe. Yep... those are craisins. Yep...that's extra sharp cheddar cheese. Now...don't get me wrong. I'm not in any way equating putting orange circus peanuts on a hot wing with adding craisins or cheese to an apple pie. In fact, I've had an Apple and Cheddar cheese pie before. And really, how much could throwing in some gloried raisins fuck things up? So...maybe it's not that big a deal. Of course, I'm constantly reminded of how delicate a balance you strike while baking.

For example, last weekend, for a party, I baked Lemon Bars. (I know..what's with all the baking Muchacho?). Me being me, I couldn't leave well enough alone, so I added raspberries. I also added about 2 tablespoons more lemon juice than it calls for, because what can I say... I like tart foods. So anyway, it seems that the additional liquid, even what little additional liquid there was, prevented the lemony goodness from setting up quite right, so they were way more gooey than I like in a bar. They were tasty, but gooey.

Anyway, so my point is... I was playing with measurements on things that don't have them. More on that later...

The crust...

I have to admit...this whole crust making process perplexed me. Maybe it's just my tentativeness in doing new things, but little variations throw me (like..the recipe makes several mentions of a food processor, which I didn't have). I used a pastry thingy (likely not it's actual name) to mix the butter, flour, shortening, and sugar. Then I mixed in the water and vodka (ice cold...and by the way, the giant bottle of vodka from the picture was the final remnants of a party from months ago. Someone wanted me to make sure that I mentioned it wasn't just like..the house vodka for the week or something.) The other thing with the recipe is that there are certain descriptors that are completely subjective.... like... what is "tacky" to one may be not "tacky" to another.

My usual guide, the beautiful Tofu Muchacha (pictured here in her costume for the production of Romeo and Juliet we're performing in starting Friday) was super, super busy, so I couldn't have her come into the kitchen every 10 seconds when I started whining about it not being tacky or too crumbly or whatever. It was a truly terrifying experience...

So basically, I was a rudderless baker, playing with drunken dough. I managed to get them balled up and into plastic wrap, where I was instructed to let them cool (like a drunk tank) for 45 minutes or so... I took that time to peel me some apples. My hand is still cramping, since I decided to be a tough guy and peel them all fancy with a paring knife instead of using a peeler. This was a poor, and time consuming choice. Let me tell you. Also, as you'll probably come to find out, I am absolutely terrible at guessing how much of something or other makes a cup. I did it with the peaches before, and I did it with the pie now. My GOD Muchacho! What kind of crazy, giant pie are you making? So... I actually timed it pretty well, because by the time I was done slicing the apples and concocting the rest of the melange of filling (Including cinnamon, nutmeg, sugar, and lemon juice), the crust had cooled well enough.

This "melange" or "slurry" is where my concern about fucking with ratios and whatnot comes in. I eyeballed about a cup of that sharp cheddar cheese and about a "handful" of craisins. The most scientific measurements possible, basically. You know those weights they (THE GOVERNMENT!!) have locked up that are like the official Gram and the official Ounce? Well... my fist should be locked up too. How do you measure "grate cheese until you're tired of grating cheese" or "an eyeballed amount of craisins"?

Anyway, I mixed those things in too. Here's where it gets a little hairy... Not literally. That would be gross. Did I mention I'd never made a pie crust before? I didn't really know anything about rolling that fucker out. I am kind of taken aback by the total lack of science behind rolling the dough, since there's so MUCH science in creating it. Like... when they suggest liberally applying flour to the rolling pin and board, what does that mean, exactly? I'll tell you what it means. It means liberally, because that dough stuck to just about everything unless I added flour. A lot of it. Of course, this made me paranoid about adding too much flour and thus making it tough or something. I honestly had no idea what it would do, but it just doesn't seem appealing. The Tofu Muchacha has a really handy pastry board that has pre-fab circles on it corresponding with different sizes of pie and crust and whatnot, so I had a nice circular guide. I'll say this... were it not for that, I would have been completely and totally lost, instead of merely lost.

This was my best attempt at getting the crust into the pie plate. I will say that I was pleased that the crust didn't tear or crack in the putting it in. It lifted well and didn't stick. I'll also say that there were parts that were entirely too thin, and conversely other parts that were too thick. It was strangely shaped too. Things to work on the next time, I suppose. I wasn't altogether pleased, but it could have certainly been worse. I'll call this "The Blind Squirrel Correlary".

After that, I piled in all of that delicious topping, I rolled out another dough ball to cover everything, and I sealed and pinched away. I even cut some dainty slits in the top.

Here's where my total inexperience in pie dough rolling shows the most. I didn't give myself enough "lip" on the lower later to sufficiently pinch in all of the places, and there were other places where there's a veritable log of pinched crust. It makes for an ugly pie, for one. It also seems that it could potentially make for uneven baking.

Anyway, I popped it in to the oven at 425 for _____ minutes. I say that, because I set the timer for 45 minutes, but then forgot to start it. Thankfully I take a ton of pictures, and the camera has time stamps, so I had at least some idea of when I'd taken the covered pie picture above. I think I lucked out, overall. It maybe baked for 47 minutes, but that could have been disastrous.

Here's the completed pie: I have to say... really doesn't look to bad, does it? The crust, not being even made for some difficult and messy cutting, but aside from that it looked pretty good.

As for the taste? It tasted like an apple pie with a little too much nutmeg (I'd mis-read the recipe and basically used a quarter teaspoon instead of an eighth.) The cheese didn't add a ton to it, aside from a nice rich aroma layer. The craisins were good, but I could have used more.

The crust, however, was really pretty tasty. Again..there was some uneven baking due to the inconsistent thickness, but I'd definitely call it a success for my first time out. I'd eat it again. I'd eat another piece.

So... Successes, Failures, and Things I'd Do Differently:

Successes:
- I'd have to say that the crust was pretty good for a first attempt.
- The apples were nice and tart. I like a tart pie.
- I liked the subtext of the cheese...it was at least a good idea.

Failures:
-Too much nutmeg.
- Uneven and poorly pinched pie dough.

Things I'd Do Differently:
- I'd slice the apples waaaaayyyy thiner. First, they didn't all bake enough, so they had too crunchy a texture in some places. Also, I think they'd be easier to lay in the pie if they were smaller.
- I'd use a stronger cheese, or more cheese or something. As it is, it just sort of strikes me as a throw-away gimmicky thing. Doesn't do much for me one way or the other. Knowing how much I like to mix sweet and spicy, I'm sort of toying with like a hot pepper cheddar. Or something like that. We'll see... that may be too much.
- I'd use more craisins. Probably double what I did use.

All in all a success.

Coming up are my Countdown to Disney Blogs, plus the start of my Disney Trivia Contest. Stay tuned!

Pie... Mexican Style

Hey Folks... Hold on to your hats.. it's PIE TIME!

After the overwhelming response from both my readership (Hi Abs!) and the eaters of the peach/berry pie, I was encouraged to bake another pie this past weekend.

So I did.

This time I didn't even have to open The Book to decide what kind of pie to bake, because the Tofu Muchacha (aka T.M.) noted that I had all of those pecans left from the previous pie (not to mention the 2nd frozen crust) and thus... a pecan pie was the most logical choice.

Now... I should say that I am not a fan of the pecan pie, particularly. I like the ones with chocolate or something else going on, because it's just got a weird texture otherwise that I cannot abide.

T.M. suggested I make a black bottom pecan pie, and I was briefly appalled and I whispered "We call them African Americans now." She did not laugh at this joke. Nor should she have. What she was actually suggesting was that it would be a pecan pie with a chocolate layer, which... sounds better than just regular ol' pecan pie.

Strangely, The Book didn't really have a great recipe for one of these types 'o' pies... either they were too complicated with all kinds of chilling and pouring and time involved, or they included meringue (another weird texture thing), or they just seemed kinda boring. I found myself trolling the corners of that Gommorah known as "FoodTV.com" for chocolate pecan pie recipes and came across one that sounded good. "Rich Chocolate Pecan Pie".

It took me a little while to notice that the pie recipe was that of one "Emeril Lagasse". He of the "Pork Rules" bumper stickers and pseudo-Nawlins accent. That same Bam- spouting huckster who both make Food popular and made us all eventually want to kill ourselves just to escape his ever-increasing omni-presence.

Let me just say 3 things about good ole Emeril...

1) I used to love the guy, and I still think his food looks fantastic... He's just more over-exposed than Dave Matthews Band was way back in my freshman year dorm.
2) His recipes are usually pretty complex, though have always yielded success in the past. This one was simple.
3) I think I'd have a lot more tolerance for him now if he seemed like he still enjoyed himself in even the tiniest way.

Anyway... back to the recipe. Turns out the T.M. had most of the ingredients already, so I really only had to purchase the Chocolate Chips.

Here's the Mise en place:


Those fancy blue jars have sugar and brown sugar. Also, you'll see on the left some of my special spices... those aren't in the recipe. Cinnamon and Cayenne are part of a special addition of my own. Because, frankly Emeril's recipe is a little pussyfied. I'll get to that later.

The thing about this recipe is that it's so simple, as written, that I won't have much to say between steps this time around, so let me just lay it out there and I'll comment as necessary.

The first thing I did was take a cup and a half of pecan halves and a half cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips and I poured them into a bowl, mixed them up, and then poured them directly into the bottom of that shameful frozen pie crust....

Mark my words: I will NOT use a frozen crust for my next pie. No way. No how.

I digress... you'll see below what that looked like.

That lovely and terrifying creature is the actual Tofu Muchacha. A rare sight indeed, and in her natural habitat of being fantastic in her kitchen... attempting to eat a raw, choco-nut pie. Fortunately, I warded her off so that I may finish my creation.

After wrastlin' things away from her, I mixed the remaining ingredients in a bowl and poured (the admittedly gross-looking mixture) into the pie.
Sugar, Brown sugar, 4 eggs, vanilla, and a pinch of salt

You'll see from the second photo, that the counters are a little unlevel. This was a little troubling for me... I didn't know what it would do to the pie itself...probably nothing really (I was wrong in thinking that), but it kinda looked sloppy. I just have to make sure the next time that I'm pouring on a more level surface. Ah well.

So I put it in the oven at 375 for an hour.

Have you guys seen Mad Men? That show is effing awesome. I've been trying to catch up on it so that the T.M. and I can watch the new season together soon. I really, really like John Hamm. He's great in that show. And Christina Hendricks? Ssssmokin. Seriously. If you're doing a show with period costuming or with period dialogue...watch Mad Men. Their attention to detail is amazing.

After an hour, I took the pie out of the oven, and it looked pretty freakin good, if not all that interesting. In reference to the un-even pie filling, it seemed to burn a little where it'd spilled over. Not a big deal, really considering the twist:

Oh...so what's the twist and turn this week to make Emeril's Pussyfied pie a little less so?

I decided to make a Milk Chocolate/Chili Power Glaze for the top. I know, right!

I took some milk chocolate chips, cayenne pepper, and cinnamon and melted them down (with a little butter and milk) and poured that delicious melange over the baked pie.

This mixure of pepper, cinnamon, and chocolate is what makes this pie "Mexican". The Tofu Muchacha was telling me about a Mexican coffee she had, and it included all of those ingredients. I think it's odd that I came up with that exact combination 4 days before I'd heard of this beverage, but anyway, that's the name.

After letting that thing cool (yes Abbey... I let it cool), we dug in. The final pie, cut and on a plate looked a little something like this:

Yes... it was delicious. I'll not deny that. I will say that it was a more reserved success than the previous pie.

1) The chocolate topping was delicious and spicy and kicky and whatnot, but it hardened when it cooled, and it didn't seem to mesh that well with the rest of the pie. Gilding the lily a bit, if you ask me.

2) The pecans should have been chopped up a little. The recipe called for pecan halves, but that's probably too chunky for a pie. It was tasty, but as the T.M. said "It's more chewing than I like in my pie."

3) The un-even counters caused that one edge to burn slightly with all of the sugar. Fortunately, it still tastes lovely, but it caused a slightly crispy texture along the edge and the coloration was off on that side.

What else would I consider doing to improve it?

1) If I decided to add a topping again, I'd use something a little less sweet or rich. I don't know what, but something lighter would be nice.

2) I may cut the semi-sweet chocolate chips with some milk chocolate to again lighten the flavor a little.

3) I'd use light brown sugar instead of dark.

4) No cayenne, but maybe like... Ancho chile powder instead. It's got a slightly sweeter heat to it.

I'm Engaged to a Pie

Hey Folks-

This past weekend I was feeling all domestic and shit, so I told the Tofu Muchacha that I wanted to bake, and I didn't mean that I wanted to smoke some weed. (I have no idea how I know that lingo. I've *cough* never touched the stuff *cough*.

I was feeling the need to explore the sensual art of pastry. Either that, or I just think it's fun to cook and I have a sweet tooth. One of those.

In my head I had this grand idea to make some sort of ornate chocolate layer cake with all kinds of complicated icing and whatnot, but there were level-er heads around (hers) and she brought out her Pillsbury Book of Baking or what I now refer to as "The Book". As in:

Her: What should we have for Dinner tonight?
Me: What does The Book suggest?

or

Her: What should we do tonight?
Me: Let's consult The Book.

or

Her: How do we get to Louisville?
Me: Why in the Hell do you want to go to Louisville?

You get the idea.

Anyway, I flipped through The Book for what seemed like an eternity, until I literally was simply too overwhelmed to function anymore. (Seriously I was drooling, and it wasn't because of the pictures.) Finally, I just decided to make her tell me what to make, and she selected a Peach and Blueberry Pie with a Streusel top. Oh yes. You just read that.

So after my run yesterday morning, (don't worry..there's a post about that coming up, to be certain), I went to the store to retrieve the necessary ingredients for the pie. I should mention that I'm not a complete beginner. I've baked a little before. I've cooked even more than that. I'm comfortable with flavors and the equipments and whatnot. I'd never baked a pie before, though, so this was new territory.

I'm a little embarassed to admit that I didn't make the crust. I know.. I know... but the reasoning is that I didn't want to overwhelm myself with a ton of unknowns on my first go-round. Crust can be disastrous, and since I was taking a couple of liberties already (you'll see), I decided to stick with the frozen crust for this time around.

I came back from the store, and here's my Mise en place:

If you're looking closely, you'll notice that there's at least one item there that doesn't always go in a Peach and Blueberry Pie... So that's the first liberty I took. I decided to add raspberries too. Let me tell you.. my gut wasn't wrong. Also, the streusel topping doesn't call for pecans, but I couldn't help myself. They smartly placed them right next to the berries at the store. The fuckers.

So anyway, the first thing I needed to do was to peel those peaches. The recipe calls for 3 cups of peeled peaches, and I'll be the first to admit... I had no fucking clue how many peaches it takes to make 3 cups. As it turns out, 1 cup is equal to 1 peach, give or take. I'd also never peeled peaches before, so I sat, watching Bride and Prejudice (humming the Bollywood songs the whole time.) in the living room with a big silver bowl and a paring knife and I peeled me 6 peaches. Here's what it looked like:

Not bad, right?

So the rest was pretty much following directions, which as any of you who know me can attest is not always my strong suit, but it went pretty well. I mixed the peaches, blueberries, and raspberries in with the cinnamon, confectioner sugar (I'm told this is unusual), and flour. It created a very pretty concoction also known as "the filling":See? I told you it was pretty...

I poured that big mess into the pie crust (now nestled safely inside another pie plate (Tofu Muchacha wisely suggested this, as the filling was copious, and this provided additional space.)

Then I mixed up the streusel topping, which included most of my strays from the recipe (sorry Pillsbury!) It calls for the following:
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1/3 cup of flour
1/2 tsp of cinnamon
1/3 cup of butter

I added:
Another 1/4 cup or so of butter
1/2 tsp of salt
1/2 tsp of cayenne pepper. (You're reading that correctly)
1/2 cup of crushed pecans

Sounds effing amazing doesn't it?

So after mixing up that whole bit, I poured it into the pie, which now looked like this:
And into the oven it went for 40 minutes at 375 degrees. I killed this time by playing with my new IPod Touch, and finding free apps to download and amuse me. My favorite of the free ones is called "Sheep.... FREE!" where you launch a sheep into space and keep trying to propel it higher. That's pretty fun. Oh..and Google Earth, which is possibly my all time favorite computer program. I also found "Urban Spoon", which is pretty freaking great.

After the 40 minutes was up, I took this out of the oven: Doesn't she look beautiful?

We let it cool for a little while and watched a really odd French movie called The Bridesmaid I'm still a little unsure why I put it in my Netflix queue to begin with, because there was no nudity at all, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why else I'd get a French movie. I'm not saying I'm against foreign films, in fact I love many of them, but French films specifically are pretty much useless without boobs. (The one shot of the dude's butt doesn't count. In fact, it detracts.). The story wasn't bad though, I guess. For a boobless French movie.

We were finally able to cut and eat about an hour an a half later. This is what it looked like just before we took our first bites:

I grant you that it looks a little sloppy, but take my word for it, 1) that has much to do with it still being a little warm, so not completely set up, and 2) who the fuck cares? That shit was so delicious that I wanted to bathe in it. I wanted to take it to Vermont and get married to it. (thank you 30 Rock). I wanted to perform all kinds of unnatural acts all over it. It's seriously some good fucking pie. The pie's parents are all about me marrying it and making it an honest pie at this point.

To recap some of my innovations, I'd categorize them all as a success, but I'll break them down:
Raspberries: Total thumbs up. Delicious and added a little bit of a tartness that otherwise would have been missing.
Salt: I'm all for it. I may add a tiny bit more the next time, or some Kosher salt instead. I really like playing with the sweet/salty/spicy thing, and it gave it good depth. Could use some more.
Cayenne: See the salt comments, though instead of "maybe" adding more, this goes to "definitely". I had a hard time detecting it at all, and what little I did was so slight that it seemed pointless. I'd almost have to try it without to see if I could tell the difference. Don't get me wrong, I don't want spicy hot desserts, but giving it that flavor profile is interesting to me.
Pecans: Flavor-wise it was a good choice. I would probably give them a more course chop the next time, since it really was only a flavor change, and the added nutty texture could be cool.

My next baking adventure is in a couple of weeks, and I'll be doing cake. Tune in then!