Bad People

Jack LaLanne is the only adult who could pull off the onesie. And perhaps because he'd kick all of our asses if we said otherwise.

I was working late one night (which is typical, since I work the overnight shift), and a commercial came on TV for something called “The Forever Lazy”.

The “Forever Lazy” is one of the all-time dumbest products of all time. I believe it's by the makers of the “Snuggie”, a product I originally openly mocked, but have come to love. The Snuggie is basically a blanket with sleeves, and at first I accused it of being some horrible product for lazy people, and said that nobody'd ever use them. I readily admit that I was wrong. The Snuggie is fucking awesome. It's warm, it's comfortable, and I can stay warm and drink my drink.

The Forever Lazy, on the other hand,  is horrible and embarrassing, and I stand by my opinion that it'll never catch on.

It's a an adult onesie.

That's right. It's baby pajamas (feeties included) made for adult people. Making it worse are 3 factors:

1) There is a hatch. For pooping. Unless you are in the fucking Alaskan wilderness, with hypothermia nipping at your nethers, you DO NOT need a hatch in your one-piece pajamas. When you're sitting in your home, with a restroom mere steps away, there should be no circumstance where you don't have enough time to unbutton and remove your ridiculous adult onesie. Maybe… MAYBE if you’re in the asylum and are afraid. Of what? I don’t know.

2) They have dropped all pretense and are completely owning the fact that it's for the laziest people on Earth, calling it THE FOREVER LAZY. Not The Lazy Sunday. Not “Sometimes Lazy. It's the fucking FOREVER Lazy. So sad.

3) They make total fools of themselves by showing morons wearing their product out in public. I'm sorry... I can accept that people will occasionally give up at home; in private. I cannot accept that anyone other than the absolute biggest social morons, or possibly the occasional unfunny, ironically dressed hipster would ever stoop to wearing the thing out in public. They pretend that a person would ever, EVER wear that shit at a TAILGATE. Are they joking?

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about the Forever Lazy. This is all just preface.

So, I'm sitting there at work, pondering the silly onesie thing, and thinking... Is this the most embarrassing product ever created?

Is this the one product the makers should be most ashamed of presenting to the public?

For a while, I was certain that it was.

Then, as I drove home this evening, I heard a radio commercial that guaranteed something else the title of “Worst Thing Ever Sold”.

AshleyMadison.com

I'm already dreading writing about this, and having fool after repugnant fool end up at my blog after Googling “Ashley Madison”.

I don’t really know of a colorful way to describe this shit, so I’ll just tell you.

AshleyMadison.com is a dating website, sort of like Match.com, but designed specifically to help people cheat on their spouses.

I’m not kidding.

This is not one of those fake products on Saturday Night Live like Baby Spanx.

They’re also not hiding it in any way… You could argue that Match.com is loaded with people with bad intentions. Match doesn’t exactly discourage that kind of behavior. I mean… that’s why some of the more expensive dating sites do background checks to verify people are single. The difference is, though… Match or OKCupid or whatever else… they may not stop married people from joining, but they aren’t actively inviting it.

It’d be like the US Government passing out heroin instead of welfare. Sure, they may accept that a small portion of the people getting welfare use it to buy drugs, but they aren’t openly endorsing the drug use.

Can you imagine coming up with this nonsense?

How repulsive of a human being does one have to be in order to not only jokingly invent that concept while getting drunk with their friends watching MMA, but to then go so far as implementing the product? That’s a rhetorical question. The only possible answer is “Pretty fucking repulsive”.

For some reason, the existence of this product makes me sadder and more scared for the human race than just about anything else. There are a lot of details of it that I don’t know, because I wouldn’t even come close to daring to visit the website, even just to investigate (and rest assured, I’m dumb enough to click just about anything… (See: Two Girls One Cup, and any e-mail touting the “Worst Thing You’ll Ever See”.) I click all manner of nonsense out of morbid curiosity… So, maybe because of my ignorance of the ins and outs (no pun intended…probably) of the product, I have some thoughts –slash-questions.

1) Who is this Ashley Madison person that the site is named after? Is she the biggest skank in the history of the world simply because she’s the inspiration for “the cheating site”? My god… What if she’s the name of the wife of the founder? How terrible is that?

2) I only know it exists at all because I’ve heard the ads on the radio. How hard-up for money does a radio station have to be in order to allow this horrible company to advertise on your radio show?

3) I am vaguely aware of a story about how they offered to pay 10 million dollars to the city of Phoenix to rename their airport. Thankfully, the city declined.

4) The slogan on the most recent commercial was “Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of being married to her.” I’m not making that up.

I’m fairly certain that this is the worst thing ever. I don’t understand how it can even exist. Look… I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware that people cheat, and I’m also aware that there is often more to the story. Nothing is totally a black and white issue.

Still… I think there’s a big difference between acknowledging that cheating is something that happens, and being all.. “God damn… I’m bored tonight. You know what would be an awesome? Cheating on my spouse. I wish there was a website service to facilitate this illicit transaction. What?! There is?!!”

Whatever happened to staying late at the office in the city, and hooking up with the bohemian heroin addict who then takes you to a poetry reading? If it’s good enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for all the other dirtbags.

Maybe that’s what offends me the most (probably not )… Doesn’t this just strike you as being fucking lazy? Like… If I’m going to do something bad, no matter what it is, I don’t want to cheapen the bad act by making it super convenient online. There should be some sort of effort involved.

Yeah… that’s definitely not what offends me most.

NBC refused to let them advertise during the Super Bowl, which prompted the president of the company to call NBC hypocrites for disallowing the adultery ads, but allowing ads for beer. (since beer kills people). Maybe I’m being obtuse (I was just recently told I was being obtuse about something, and it made me feel like the warden in Shawshank)… Anyway, maybe I’m being obtuse, but don’t cuckolded spouses kill people too.

[ PS: People who found their way here by Googling “AshleyMadison.com”. Go away, please. But thank you for reading!]

I’m getting annoyed, so I’m gonna change the subject with some miscellaneous updates…

Resolution Updates:
- The first blog of the new year went up last Monday, and here’s the 2^nd. So far, I’m right on schedule, even if I’m not exactly re-inventing the wheel. I’m hoping to finish my Movies of 2011 Blog for next week. I likely will have seen all of the 2011 Releases that I plan on seeing by then.

- The woodworking is slow-going. I’ve spent the week practicing dovetail joints and looking through books and magazines trying to find a suitably interesting, but not too intimidating project for February. I’m leaning toward a Zig-Zag chair. In any case, making a dovetail joint is about as hard as you’d imagine, and it doesn’t make me feel better when I watch YouTube videos of experts making flawless dovetail joints in three and a half minutes. It’s quite infuriating, actually. So far I’ve broken my coping saw, and failed to make a single truly straight dovetail, but I AM improving… (and shopping for a new saw..). Tomorrow, I’m going to try using the dremel to see if I can make that horizontal cut a little cleaner with that. In any case, I fully expect to be ready to roll on real furniture/ projects by the start of February, which would put me squarely on schedule.

- I’m now operating at about 95% vegetarian, and (aside from the 1 steak dinner, and occasional non-fried seafood, I should be 100% by the end of the week. The meat products in the house are just about gone, and that was my last hold-out excuse. I have decided to forego the remaining bologna and just suffer the waste.  In the meantime, The TM and I have found a new restaurant called “Zoup!” which is basically a Panera type place, but instead of 40 sandwiches and 4 soups, they have 4 sandwiches and 40 soups. (exaggerations abound). It’s awesome, and when we went there were at least 6 vegetarian soup options, 2 sandwiches, and several salads. She also has been perfecting her vegetarian enchiladas. Effing delicious.

- Household Chores? As of writing this portion of the blog (Friday night), none so far, unless you count meeting with the contractor.  I’d like to carve out the 45 minutes it’s gonna take me to bust up the old box-spring. I’m debating keeping the wood for burning. Sadly the trash people won’t take it in whole form, because they are afraid of bedbugs. I can’t say as I blame them. So, I’ll take to that bitch like Tom Robinson took to bustin’ up that chiffarobe…. Poor Mayella and her forbidden love… Sigh.

- Workout. No progress yet. I’ve spent a fair amount of time online shopping for a good rowing machine, but unless I come into some unexpected money, it’s looking like I’ll need to find an alternate for the near future. In any case, the Tofu Muchacha has, in her wisdom, suggested phasing in my resolutions gradually. I’d like to be up and running (so to speak) with all of them by the end of February, but I’m not gonna feel bad about myself for not doing getting all of them started until then.

Nobody Knows.

A Browns fan's reaction to knowing they could have had Champ Bailey instead of Tim Couch.

The NFL is chock full of morons.

I don't mean the players. In fact, I've said before that I'm fairly certain that NFL players are at the worst the 2^nd smartest athletes of the big four sports.

No no... I'm talking about the fools in charge.

See, there's this thing that's been bothering me about the NFL for a while now. This philosophy for drafting that seems to be pervading the collective consciousness of every dumbass football executive and has been for the past 13 years. It goes like this:

If there's a top-line quarterback available, you HAVE to take him.

You know what I think? Total bullshit.

The reason I'm thinking about this today is because I'm really fucking tired of hearing about Andrew Luck.

“Will the Colts take Luck?”
“Should they trade Manning to make room?”
“If the Rams get the first pick, should they dumb Sam Bradford?”
“Should a team trade their whole draft to get him?”

It's so fucking tiring. And you know what? The answer to all of those questions is emphatically NO.

NO the Colts shouldn't take Luck or trade Manning to make room. No the Rams shouldn't dump Bradford for him. No, a team shouldn't trade their whole draft. That would be dumb.

This notion of taking a quarterback at all costs is relatively new, and it spawned from a draft that proves how dumb the whole thing is.

Remember back in 1998 when the great Peyton Manning entered the draft, and the whole world was going nuts about him just like they are now about Andrew Luck? You do? Because I don't. I remember there being big long debates about whether Manning was even the best quarterback. There was a guy named Ryan Leaf who was also considered number one material, and there were plenty of “experts” who thought the Colts made the wrong choice.

Ryan Leaf was taken 2^nd by the Chargers, and he was out of the league after 2001. That's 4 seasons.

So yeah... the Colts guessed right, but nobody would have faulted them for taking Leaf, and then the Chargers would have had the Hall of Famer. My point is... despite what everyone says, nobody knows.

So anyway, after Manning turned out to be awesome, or whatever, there has been a legitimate run on # 1 quarterbacks, and despite the overwhelming evidence that they miss as often as they hit, the fad doesn't seem to be slowing down.

Let's break it down...

In the 13 years prior to 1998 (The same number of drafts we've had since) there were 4 quarterbacks taken number one.
Those were:
Vinnie Testaverde, Troy Aikman, Jeff George, and Drew Bledsoe.

You have 1 true great (Aikman... I could even argue that he was a product of overwhelming offensive line power, much like his cohort Emmitt Smith), 2 contributors who failed to live up to their full potential (Testaverde and Bledsoe) and a bust (George). So... I'll say we're at 25% True Success, and another 50% with guys who had good (sometimes great) individual seasons, but ultimately underachieved, and 25% busts. The Legends and the Busts are tied.

In the years after Manning's draft, there were 10 Quarterbacks taken #1. Out of 13.

Tim Couch, Michael Vick, David Carr, Carson Palmer, Eli Manning, Alex Smith, Jamarcus Russell, Matthew Stafford, Sam Bradford, and Cam Newton.

Of those guys? ONE Super Bowl appearance.

Let's call Couch, Carr, and Russell legit busts.

Let's call Palmer, Vick, and Smith “Disappointments”

Stafford is currently in my “Bledsoe/Testaverde” group. More about the nunbers at this point... I don't think it'll be a surprise for him to surpass them, though..

Manning is, in my estimation somewhere between Bledsoe/Testaverde and Aikman. He might even be an over-achiever in some way.

So let's give them Manning and Stafford. We're at 20% unquestionable success. That seems like a really poor rate for something you “just have to do” (according to McShay and Kiper and all those other experts who don't have a fucking clue.

Who are the three best quarterbacks in the NFL this year?

Tom Brady was a 6^th round pick. I don't think we need to discuss Brady much. He's possibly the greatest quarterback ever. He's got 3 Rings and 2 MVPs and he is famously the 199^th pick in that draft. What quarterbacks were selected ahead of him? Chad Pennington (the only first round QB that year), Giovanni Carmazzi (who?), Chris Redman (again.. who?), Tee Martin (won a National Title at Tennesse when precious Peyton Manning couldn't... ha fucking ha), Spergon Wynn, and Marc Bulger (a pro-bowler who went... 168). Did anyone have a clue in 2000? Nope.

Drew Brees was a 2^nd rounder and everyone kept comparing him to Doug Flutie simply because he's shorter than is “desirable”. Shit... he even backed up Flutie in San Diego before he finally broke though. That's a joke. Did anyone think that Drew Brees would have a FAR better career than Michael Vick? Nope. (Except for me).

At least with Aaron Rodgers there was a debate between him and Alex Smith. Only this time, Ryan Leaf was taken first, and the Niners had to wait another 6 years to compete again.

Taking a quarterback first and missing will absolutely cripple a team.

I'm not going to keep rambling on... I just wish that teams would really take a minute to evaluate their picks, and not just take the quarterback first. It's not a sure thing, no matter how “sure” all of those ridiculous experts are.

Nobody knows. Andrew Luck could throw for 40 touchdowns next year. He could throw for 25 inteceptions. Neither would shock me. Nobody fucking knows.

My favorite #1 pick of the past ten years?

Mario Williams.

The Texans were absolutely hammered for taking Mario Williams over “no doubters Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart, but they took their hammering and have a game changing Defensive End who has made 3 pro-bowls. Great decision.

By the way... the best QB in that draft? Jay Cutler. The THIRD quarterback taken.

That New Year's Thing

There are different schools of thought on the New Years’ Resolution thing.

There are those who think New Years’ Resolutions are bullshit. In a kneejerk situation, I’d say that I fall into that camp, but it’s not true.

There are those who like the idea of resolutions, make them, and then immediately fail to complete them. This… sadly… is more like me. I have a lot of ambitions come January 1^st, but my resolve isn’t as strong as the resolution. (My favorite was my resolution to force myself to run a marathon BECAUSE I hated running. Good one, Muchacho!)

There are those who make the resolutions and even keep them. These are the Tofu Muchacha’s of the world. The people with staggering discipline and resolve. I admire them.

Among the people who make resolutions, there are sub sets. Do you tell people, or do you not? Does telling people make it more likely to complete the resolution, or just more likely you’ll feel dumb for making them and failing?

I guess we’ll find out together, because here are my five resolutions… for all the world (or my 3 loyal readers) to see.

The TM and I have both made 5 resolutions for 2012. I won’t spoil hers for you, but here are mine… In no particular order.

Resolution #1:
Post a new blog every Monday.

There was a time, a couple of years ago, where I was blogging regularly 10-20 times a month. That was when I didn’t have a girlfriend, and had a regular job where I could blog at work…. Er… I mean… think about my blog so that I knew what I’d write after-hours. Nowadays, if I blog 3 times in a month, that’s a lot. I’d like to think that the quality of the blogs I do post are better, overall, but I’m not even sure that’s true.

In any case, I really like to blog. I like writing, and I think that the “blog” is a totally unsung medium for creative writing. It’s a very raw venue to write, and I like that sort of unpolished quality about it. Even the better pieces of mine weren’t meditated over for weeks, but rather hours. I like that sort of immediacy.

Anyway, I don’t have specifics for content, but I’d like for them to be enjoyable for everyone, so I’ll try to mix it up, and post different stuff, and most importantly focus on the writing itself, because I have to believe there’s a unique voice in there somewhere.

Resolution #2

Build 11 pieces of furniture.

That may sound like a very specific and incongruous number of furniture pieces, but my thinking on it is that I’m not QUITE ready to start by January. You see… I just started becoming very interested in woodworking, and furniture making. The artistry of it appeals to me. The tactility of it. I love the smell of wood, the feel of the grain. It’s just a very appealing outlet for me. So far, I’ve made a table. It’s cool, but it’s not the kind of woodwork that I’m really talking about. I’m looking to learn how to traditional joinery (dovetails, dowels, etc…) and to do it by hand. I want the pieces to be useful, but also attractive.

Thanks to the generosity of my peeps over the holiday season, I’ve managed to amass pretty much all of the power tools and equipment I need to put together a solid woodworking shop.

The goal is to spend the month of January practicing some of the basic skills needed (joints, angles, routing) to hit the ground running for February. I’m extremely excited about this one.

Resolution # 3

Do one “home improvement” task per week.

I’m not looking to cop-out here by changing a light-bulb and calling it a week. I’d like to get the yard into shape. I’d like to re-do the light fixtures in the front of the house. I’ve got stair sanding, garage cleaning, house spraying. All kinds of things to do. I’ll be partly relying on the TM to give me tasks, but I don’t see why I can’t keep busy. I’m always looking to add to my personal skill-set, and I think this could also contribute to that.

Not very exciting, I know, but those gutters ain’t gonna clean themselves, and maybe I’ll be able to blog about how I fell off the roof, or was attacked by birds or something. Filthy fucking birds.

Resolution # 4

Become a vegetarian* for a full year.

I told my buddy Alan about this one last week, and when he asked me why, I honestly told him “I don’t know”.

I’m still not totally sure. It’s not a health thing, I think. I find myself generally bored by vegetarian fare (with the exception of what the TM tends to make), and I’m interested in expanding my cultural and epicurean horizons by exploring foods and recipes that can make being a vegetarian accessible.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE meat. Bacon is delicious. Pretty much any style of chili is great. I love it. But, meat doesn’t really agree with me all that well, and I can’t go through life eating things that make me feel sick just because I think they’re fucking delicious. That’s not a sane thing to do. I’m led to believe that being a vegetarian can be just as satisfying, and from a personal perspective, I find myself feeling much less like throwing up after a salad than a steak. So… I guess I figure, might as well give it a shot.

There are some additional features of this vegetarian thing… that really make it not entirely vegetarian.

1) I’m taking my mom to a steakhouse, and while I’m not sure I WILL get steak, I am reserving the right to do so without feeling guilty that I’m breaking the Vegetarian Code. I know I am, and I’m planning it ahead of time. From the start.

2) I am allowed one seafood item per week. It can be any sort of animal of the sea (other than lion or otter). The only qualifier is that it can’t be fried. Sushi? Yes. Traditional Fish and Chips? No. (additional note: this isn’t a fried food thing. If I want a French fry, I’m allowed). The reason for the “No fried fish” thing is that if I’m going outside of the vegetarian thing, I’m not going to undercut the potential protein and nutrient infusion by muddying those waters with fried batter. Just feels weird.

3) I am not cutting out eggs, cheese, or any other dairy. I’m also allowed to eat soups that utilize chicken or beef stocks. Again… I’m not against meat consumption. I’m just getting it out there from the beginning.

Resolution # 5
Get into good enough shape and condition to run the Turkey Day 10K run on Thanksgiving.

This is coming from the guy who planned to run a marathon, while openly hating running. I still hate running. But the truth of the matter is… I want to challenge myself. I always like exercise when I have time to do it, and having a specific goal will be helpful.

To this end, I am getting a personal trainer to help whip me into shape, and provide me with a training plan. My ideal would be to work away from the running track/road for as long as possible. Strengthening my core, and my knees, enough so that once I start working on the running (hopefully mid Summer?) that my knees and back can handle the pounding of the pavement. I’ve got pretty shitty knees. They’ve been bad for a while, and I even went to an orthopedist a couple of years ago who said that they’re bad enough that I could elect to have surgery on them to scope them out. For me, it’s a matter of how much pain I am willing to accept, and strengthening first is the best way to minimize the pain. My back hasn’t been right since I fell off that horse back at Blue Jacket in the Summer of 2001.

Anyway, this isn’t a weight-loss goal, so I won’t be reporting on my weight or whatever. This is a conditioning goal.

So there they are… I invite any of you to check in with me as I go, though to help with resolution #1, I plan to blog about a lot of these things. Expect photos of my furniture and my house projects when applicable. Expect profanity laced rants about my trainer. Expect long, flowery stories about how much I miss bacon.

Most of all, expect a shitload of bitching about all of it, because those who know me know that almost every unpleasant thing I voluntarily do is simply a way to have an excuse to complain.

I AM the Duke of Negativity, after all.

Let the resolving begin.

The Hunger Games:Let Them Have Stakes!

(It’s been a while since I blogged, so cut me a break on the rambling if it’s even more pronounced than usual. )

Spoilers ahead.
I haven't been reading as much as I'd like. The Tofu Muchacha is the most voracious reader I have ever met, so my general lack of a "book in hand" is even more pronounced sometimes.

The thing is… I love to read. When I really get into a book, I plow through it, tackling every word, plot point, characterization. It really makes me completely useless for anything else until I’m done with it. Maybe that’s why I don’t read that often…

I become obsessive. I read spoilers and commentaries and reviews and speculations. The month after I read Harry Potter 6, I spent more time on Mugglenet than I did doing work. I read every single little essay and breakdown. Who was ‘RAB’? Was Dumbledore really dead? All that stuff.

What I’m trying to say is that when I sink myself into a really good book, it’s rarely just the book.

The Hunger Games trilogy has done this to me.

How did nobody tell me how awesome these books are?

The books are told from the perspective of a teen girl. Much like in Twilight or The Forest of Hands and Teeth (both discussed on this blog in the past, even in relation to each other). The main characters in these books are similar, but not the same. Bella Swan (Twilight) is this sort of gawky, completely self-unaware moron who goes through life being oblivious to everyone around her for no particular reason. Katniss Everdeen of the Hunger Games books is also unaware of other people’s perception of her, for the most part, but as opposed to dumb-old Bella, she’s also capable, self-possessed, and independent. In fact, while Bella needs rescuing from… well…  just about everything ever, Katniss is a total, certifiable badass. She provides for her family, bravely volunteers to essentially sacrifice herself on behalf of her sister, and she more than holds her own in not one, but two Hunger Games (not to mention the actual war zones of the third book.). Despite her self-assessment that she’s selfish, she repeatedly displays loyalty, morality, courage, and empathy. On the other hand, Bella’s full and complete motivation is some sickening, weirdo crush on Edward the Toothless, Shiny Vampire.

Like the other books, The Hunger Games also features a “love triangle”. Yes… it’s true.  Apparently this is some sort of requirement for entry into the Young Adult genre, so just like every “Young Adult” novel featuring a teen girl main character, there’s not just one guy vying for Katniss’ attention, but two. And just like every “Young Adult” novel, she’s at least somewhat oblivious to their attentions until they’re literally licking her face and actively trying to die for her. And just like every “Young Adult” novel, a fair amount of internal monologue from the main character is devoted to her hashing out her feelings for her various suitors.  The difference here is that while in Twilight Bella’s love triangle poses no mystery whatsoever (shit… on the back of the first book, she talks about being “Irrevocably in love” with Edward), and Mary from The Forest of Hands and Teeth sort of realizes that her love life is pretty inconsequential when the world is ending,  I had a difficult time figuring out what would happen with Katniss. And more importantly, there were many times over the course of the action where I was convinced she’d end up with neither of them and be happy with that, or that one of them would die, making her decision that much easier. Nobody thinks Edward or Jacob will ever die. In fact, Jacob can’t die, because he’s not a real character. He’s simply this sort of symbol of the life Bella is leaving behind when she forces Edward to kill her in one of the grossest scenes of devotion in any book ever.  

Katniss has moments where she could go either way (or neither way), and even better is that the moments are earned in the text. There really aren’t any convenient misunderstandings. There aren’t dumb roadblocks. She simply has two perfectly good, though flawed, men whom she loves, and she has a truly hard time deciding between them for legitimate reasons. Peeta is the love for the future. Gale is the love for the now. Her world largely defines her choices. |

It makes sense that she’d pick Gale… He saved her family. He’s more like her. He’s got shared life experiences. He’s a survivor in the most traditional sense, which makes him the perfect choice for a world where there’s no order. Where survival is necessary.

Then there’s Peeta. He saved her life numerous times. He sacrificed his leg, his sanity, everything to keep her safe. And ultimately, she ends up with him, not because of any of these things, but because he’s a beacon of light and positivity that balances out her nightmares. He’s the perfect choice for a world recovering from Chaos. It’s a decision that makes sense.

Suzanne Collins refused to create a choice without consequence. She created stakes to her choice, and by keeping both men alive, and largely whole she refused to give Katniss an easy choice either way. It’s easily the most tolerable teen love triangle I can recall. (Not that I liked the constant internal tug-o-war between the two. I could see and understand the dilemma from the start, and the perpetual back and forth was sort of beating a dead horse really.

But really, it’s the consequence that makes the story good. You get the feeling that if Katniss had chosen Gale, that Peeta would not have been okay. That he would have faded somehow, like Haymitch. Gale is a little stronger, but he makes it clear to Katniss that he can’t be there and watch her with Peeta. She knows she’ll lose one by chosing the other.

The Stakes Get Higher, or… you know… exist.

My biggest complaint about Twilight is that nothing happens, and when it does, it’ isn’t drastic or even.. like… “on screen” (so to speak). Nobody of import is ever really harmed, and because it’s established early on that any danger is by choice, there are no real stakes to anything they do. There aren’t really even any true antagonists. The wolves, sort of, but since Jacob is one, and they’d never really kill off any of them, they’re ultimately harmless. (Not to mention that the author sets up their whole mythology to be “protectors”). The Vulturi are certainly not nice, but that’s sort of like saying that the cops and judges in a judicial system are the judges. They may be dicks, but they’re just enforcing the established rules. It’s so fucking boring. There are hundreds of pages of speculation and conversations about what MIGHT happen, and then the climax is a 3 page sequence that ends in the bad guys just sort of going away after being convinced Renesme isn’t the droid they’re looking for or some shit.

It’s what makes The Forest of Hands and Teeth so good. Everyone can die. Most folks do die. The Zombies are a real danger. The people are forced into danger. It’s scary as hell. It’s a great series of books.

The stakes in The Hunger Games?

Everyone could fucking die. And for the most part, they do. Off the top of my head, here’s a short list of the important, and beloved characters who bite it in The Hunger Games:

Prim
Finnick
Peeta’s parents
Boggs
Darius
Lavinia
Cinna
Rue
Thresh
Mags
Wiress
Madge
Cato
Foxface
President Snow
President Coin
and about a million others.

There are fire bombs, horrible mutant killing machines, deadly waves, deadly earthquakes, beheadings, eviscerations, suicides, electrocutions, and dozens of other ways to die, kill, or both.

Collins establishes in the first 5 pages that these people live in a scary, dangerous, unfair world, and she sticks to her guns the whole way through. Even the ending, while undeniably positive, isn’t without reservation. I think it’s my favorite thing about the books. The books end with Katniss being released from custody after assassinating the new president of Panem (after the revolution). She’s on the verge of insanity. She’s been attempting to kill herself. She’s broken. Her mother isn’t by her side. Her sister is dead. She has no idea until later where Gale is. The world is broken. Even after she and Peeta finally sort of merge together for good, there’s a heavy heartedness to it. She ends the book wondering how she’ll explain The Hunger Games to her children, and how the world will be. It’s the ambiguity that draws me. After so many resolute moments throughout the book, I really loved how Katniss’ story ends on a positive, but certainly bittersweet note. She finds her true love for Peeta. They have children. They live in peace. Except in their memories that still haunt them. It’s really very sad, and very hopeful at the same time. That’s not an easy balance.

There’s an important theme in the 3^rd book. “Real or Not Real”, where Peeta, having been brainwashed, tries to make sense of the very confusing feelings he has, as his deceptions and his true feelings mixed around.

Really, all of the books play with this in an ever maturing way. I love how so much of the books deal with perception and not necessarily reality. It’s not important in the first book whether Peeta really loves Katniss, but it IS important to the viewers. It’s not important in the second book if Katniss was really trying to defy The Capitol with the berries, but President Snow knows that the people perceive it that way. The wedding doesn’t have to be real except to those watching it. In the final book, District 13 is viewed as a force for positive change, so it doesn’t really matter if they’re just as manipulative and unscrupulous as those they’re overthrowing.

In the end, after all of the confusion, and tracker jacker induced hallucinations, and lies, and amnesias, and everything else, the perception finally dies away, and we’re left with the lovely ending where Katniss, finally confirms for Peeta the one important thing for him in the world.

“You love me. Real or not real?”

“Real”.

It’s really a beautiful way to end a surprisingly well written, and exceedingly entertaining book series.

I have a friend who doesn’t finish books because she doesn’t want to let go of the characters or the world they live in. That’s how I felt about these books.

Read them. For real.

The Grey Days of Penn State; The Death of Honor

If you asked me today to name the two men my grandfather revered more than any other, I may have been wrong, but I wouldn't have hesitated in answering. John Wooden and Joe Paterno.

I grew up rooting quietly for Penn State football as a sort of nod to the blood connection I have to central, small town Pennsylvania. My grandpa grew up in Wilkes Barre. My grandma in Mansfield. I remember so many Saturdays of my childhood sitting near my grandpa (Little Kings in hand), and hearing him talk in soft, awed tones about Joe Pa...

So it's in that context I've been following the horrible story at Penn State for the last few days with growing disgust and sadness.

There are certainly parts that are undeniable; beyond argument...

The abuse Jerry Sandusky subjected those boys to is terrible. It could be argued that it's the worst thing imaginable, and it is more than clear not enough was done to stop him from abusing others. Penn State Officials didn't do enough, and instead were worried about protecting the school's image.

Those three facts, to me, are black and white.
To me, though, maybe there's some grey as well.

Most people I've heard from would disagree. They'd say that the Mike McQueary should have physically stopped Sandusky mid-act when he witnessed it. They'd say that Joe Paterno, after being told of the incident by McQueary, didn't do enough by merely reporting the incident to Penn State officials, and should have followed up to make sure something was done.They'd say that Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State. They'd say that he's forever tarnished his legacy.

I am not, in any way, saying that the way things were handled were even remotely adequate. With all the outrage, I'm sure that's a difficult thing to do, but I wonder what was going through McQueary's and Paterno's minds at the time.. I don't blame people for not trying to see their perspective. So many of the facts are irrefutably horrible, that it's easy to say "they are all I need to know".

I hope my readers will give me some leeway to try to play devil's advocate for a few. I have to believe that most people are fundamentally good. I refuse to give Sandusky that benefit of the doubt, but I'm going to look at McQueary and Paterno for a minute...

Mike McQueary is a guy who grew up in State College, PA. He knew Jerry Sandusky his whole life. He knew him as the father of his classmates, as a walking legend on the football team he dreamed of playing for, as a mentor while he finally played at that college, as the founder of a charity benefiting poor children.

Try to imagine knowing someone your whole life, and not just knowing them, but deifying them. This is, as Michael Weinreb so interestingly said, a man they worshipped in stand-up form. Is it at all plausible, even if not right or okay, that factoring all these things in, maybe it wasn't as easy to step in as we'd all hope it would be? That a person might freeze, even for a minute, when faced with seeing a thing they'd never expected to see.  I've heard dozens of people on the radio saying that they unequivocally would have stepped in right at that moment, and ushered the child to safety. That's great for them, and hopefully true, but I have a hard time listening to what other people would do in someone else's experience. I'm sure that, in hindsight, that McQueary wishes he'd done more, too. I just think it's too easy to say that McQueary should have had the presence of mind in that moment to set aside every bit of history and act as everybody else deems that he should have.

To be clear... I think he should have too, but I don't know that I make him a villain for hesitating. Or even retreating. He reported the incident, which I agree is the dirty bare minimum, but I do think it's better to do the right thing eventually as opposed to not at all.

I, personally, have seen kids getting spanked or slapped in grocery stores and parking lots, felt like it was excessive, and I've done nothing. I've been upset with myself afterward for doing nothing. I've regretted doing nothing. But I still did nothing.

I was talking to my buddy Alan this evening and his lovely girlfriend, Lesli, and she brought up this time when she saw her nephew walk into a fire and everyone froze for a minute. She said she even looked away, just as a gut reaction. She then used a phrase I've used before on this blog, and I think it really applies here.

'Cognitive Dissonance' is a discomfort felt when you hold two conflicting ideas simultaneously. The fight in your brain between what you expect to see, and what you really do see. Could McQueary's hesitation in that moment be attributed to cognitive dissonance? Could he have, in that moment, frozen while he simultaneously saw a devastatingly horrible act perpetrated by a man who he looked up to as a father figure and a legend?

Okay... That's enough about Mike McQueary. I've provided more of an argument on his behalf than he rightly deserves. In the end, the argument against him is too strong. A child can't defend themselves. McQueary was a big, healthy 28 year old man who could have stopped it. End of story.

Okay... deep breath.

I think the great Joe Paterno has some explaining to do.  Do I think he deserved to be fired? Probably, in that the public as a whole, at least outside of State College, would never have let it pass...

When I started this blog earlier today, 12 hours ago or so, I was going to try to ease off the throttle against Paterno. I was truly going to say that those who say Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State, or that he's forever tarnished his legacy were not looking at the grey of the situation.

I was wrong. I was struggling with my own cognitive dissonance.

I have written 10 different excuses for Paterno tonight. I've deleted them all. I can't talk myself into any of them. There is no idolatry to fall back on. There is no reasonable excuse.  I want, so badly, to preserve the honor of this man I've respected for literally my whole life. This man my grandfathered spoke of in reverent tones. I simply can't do it.

Joe Paterno sat in his seat of ultimate power, and he did the bare minimum under the law. For the life of me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because Jerry Sandusky was his lifelong friend. Maybe it's because he didn't want to believe such horrible things about someone he knew for so long. Maybe he truly did feel embarrassed that he was "fooled".

Fuck that.

Joe Paterno was God. There are many people who would call him the most famous and respected man in Pennsylvania. The men he reported the crimes to were his superiors in name only, and everybody knows that. Joe Paterno's subsequent inaction after his token report is, in my mind the second greatest sin of the whole sordid affair. Maybe it's my strong desire to give Joe Paterno a small window of absolution, but t I keep trying to come up with a reason he wasn't responsible, but I've failed. Joe Paterno failed those children. Joe Paterno failed every person who looked at him as a moral compass.

I started today hearing how Joe Paterno's legacy was tarnished forever, and I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. JoePa may be the greatest coach in any sport, ever, but he'll never again be the paragon of blue collar honor and virtue we all believed him to be.

I'm sad for the boys who were abused, and that the firing or legacy of a football coach is overshadowing their experience.

The death of the honor of Joe Paterno isn't the greatest tragedy of the Penn State story, but it is a tragedy.