The Audacity of Hope

Dare I dream? Dare I?

My life is pretty damned good. Awesome girlfriend. Awesome hobby. Great family. Great friends. I just about have everything a guy could wish for... Just about.

Now I'm on the precipice of completing the picture.

For all of my life I've felt like every time I've gotten to this point where things are falling into place, the rug has been swiped out from under me. That may seem dramatic, but I can't help how I feel. I start loving college and suddenly I'm displaced. I start loving my job as a teacher and the hours and salary become impossible. I start finding the perfect balance between my job, my hobby, and my personal life and within months I lose my job, my girlfriend, and my home.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not for a second suggesting that I didn't have a hand in both my fortune AND my misfortune. I let my weight get out of hand my freshman year, and wasn't quite the versatile actor Wright State would have wanted. I CHOSE to leave the teaching job for no real good reason. I got complacent in all facets of my life, creating an unsustainable lifestyle... If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have fallen so hard after losing my job back in '06. I get it. I take responsibility.

Well... Now I am back at a place I could get used to. I WANT to get used to it. There's only one single thing missing, and I'm right at the cusp of placing the final piece into the puzzle...

'm remaining guarded.

Why do I feel filled with dread? Why am I waiting for the other shoe to drop at any second? I don't have an answer. I'm going about reaching my goal in the right way. I am being proactive. I'm being aggressive. At the same time, I won't allow myself to over-reach.

I've started thinking about The Secret. You know The Secret right? Focused Positive thinking manifests positive results. Believing hard enough can tilt the pinball down the right chute.

I read a blog recently where a woman was having issues, and she sent herself text messages that her issues were going to be resolved and both times "within 30 minutes" she got the news she was wanting.

Sounds awesome right? It also sounds a bit suspect to me...

Far be it from me to question fate, or the power of positive thinking (I mean, hell... my grandpa had crystals and a copper meditation pyramid to concentrate his positive energy), but I'm also a natural skeptic. I'm a pessimist (I have the mug to prove it). I would love to fully believe that all it takes to nudge fate my way is some focused good thoughts.

For a cynic, would the opposite will work just as well? Maybe I need to behave as though I expect the worst. Set my expectations to "zero". Work on my back-up plans as though they are the front men. Just assume that all of my efforts couldn't possibly make a difference. Text myself things like "Don't get your hopes up. You have it good enough already. Stop being greedy." Only then, free of expectations, can the best things happen.

Or maybe the negative thoughts will simply manifest themselves, just as the positive ones would.

Clearly it's complicated. So... how bout this...

From now on I'll send myself those positive thoughts... I'll even text myself right now. (texting... texting... texting...) (Um... Is it odd that I got this surge of happy thoughts when I read the message I literally JUST sent?) From now on, I'll be positive. A guarded positive. I can't get too high (on hope). I have to be prepared for Plan B. It's the whole eggs in basket thing. The whole chicken counting thing I guess...

All that said... I want to have hope. It's a nice feeling. Even though there's no official headcount of those aforementioned chickens, there's a definite estimate.

To quote a great moment in a great movie:

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

So, I hope.

Wish me luck.

(I wonder how many people will find this post because of the title... shamelessly stolen from our President Obama)

What is the World Coming To? (and other dangling prepositions)

So... I go into the trunk of my car tonight to get out some boxes. Wait... I need to go back further...

Back in July I agreed to to props for The Drama Workshop's Fall show "Lend Me a Tenor". I don't know exactly what prompted me, aside from wanting to be more involved than just showing up to act. Well... I've been collecting these props for about a month now, and keeping them in a box and a bag in the trunk of my car.

Every time I open my trunk I sort of inventory the props that I've already obtained, and I also check to make sure nothing's been damaged by my insane driving.

So... I go into the trunk of my car tonight to get out some boxes. I take the boxes out and, because it's dark, I glance quickly in and start to turn away. Then I realize what I'd just seen...or rather...what I'd just NOT seen. The props are all gone. I ask the Tofu Muchacha if she'd moved them.

"No."

I ask the Tofu Muchacha if she remembered me moving them into the backseat for some reason (already knowing the answer).

"No."

So that pretty much leaves only one actuality here... My fucking car was violated. Sodomized. Raped.

I've been robbed before. I'd actually put 3 separate CD players into my old Dodge (Simon the Silver). For some reason, this one feels worse, because like... those had all been on a street, or in the parking lot of my apartment complex. This one was in a driveway. Meaning that the bastards had to go onto private property to do it.

Oh...and also... stealing a CD Player is logical. They have some (if minor) value on the black market. I can't, however, even see the point in sifting through my trunk (oh yes... there were things left, so they took their time to fucking shop) and stealing, among other things a 1930s era radio that doesn't work at all. An old telephone. Some glasses. Oh..and my Disney Villains bath towel that happened to be in there. The mother fuckers.

I hope they die.

There's just no point to it. I hope they fucking enjoy the 19 dollars worth of shit they stole from me, because let's be honest... if your life is at the place where a broken vintage radio is the last thing between you and blowing old men for crack money...well... I guess you needed it more than Tito Merelli.

At least they didn't steal my Blue Ash Idol trophy. That would have really bummed me out.

Zoltar Had it Right

Hey Folks-

I've had a couple of conversations on this in the past week or so, so I figured I may as well write about it.

When I was a kid, I hated other kids. I just didn't really like hanging out with them. I didn't like the shit that kids did. I think maybe the whole "only-child" thing sort of contributed... (Now before I get angry letters, I DO have a sister, whom I love. That said I didn't have any siblings at my mom's house, and I didn't always see my sister at my dads, AND there are 8 years separating us, which means very little now, but when you're 10 and she's 2... big difference.)

What was I saying? Ah yes... so anyway... When I was a kid I always wanted to hang with adults and do what the adults were doing. For me, it all goes back to going to rehearsals with my dad and for some reason feeling like the coolest kid when I'd get to go to dinner with his theater friends or whatever. I loved adult conversation. I remember one particular night that really sums up what I'm talking about.. I was 12, and my Dad and Dee Anne had just directed Windy City for Footlighters (still possibly my favorite theatrical experience ever in some ways) and for some reason or another they took me with them to dinner at Barleycorns on the river with a couple of their friends. It was just so much fun! Listening to the general gossip, hearing about backstage antics, etc... I just felt so grown up. I'm sure it didn't hurt that as a 12 year old, I was capable of sitting still and occasionally even contribute in my own small way to the proceedings. I think people are always a little taken aback by the kid with the decent one-liners... anyway... my point is that I always aspired to be an adult, even when I was a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I look back and think... I was a fucking idiot. I should have enjoyed myself when I had the chance.

Now that I'm an adult, I can't think of a single thing I do that for fun that isn't in some way a call-back to trying to be more kid-like.

Allow me to detail my weeks events:
Monday: I have rehearsal for a play. Where I pretend. Like in the sand box.
Tuesday: I have Trivia, which while at a bar, is basically a large board game with prizes.
Wednesday: Karaoke, where I am most reminded of those times where as a toddler my grandpa (of whom I was immediately reminded when I saw Gran Torino last night) would have me stand on the coffee table and sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".
Thursday: More rehearsal
Friday: Usually going to see a movie or going to Alan's house to watch sports or play video games. VIDEO GAMES.
Saturday: See Friday.
Sunday: More rehearsal.

So basically all of my liesure activities are geared toward acting less like an adult. Frankly, being an adult sucks. Bills, responsibilities, jobs, relationships.... clearly I'm not the only one who thinks that, because karaoke is fucking crowded. Trivia is fucking crowded.

I don't remember the last thing I had a serious discussion regarding my 401K or how Obama needs to re-consider socializing health care. That is, unless we were between rounds of Call of Duty, or waiting for South Park to come on. The whole time cracking jokes.

Last night, as I talked on the phone, I played PS3. It's how we relax. Why was I in such a rush?

The whole thing just makes think that I wish I had one of those Zoltar machines from the movie Big. Hanks put in his quarter and becomes an adult that thinks like a kid, and he has a total blast. Even hooking up with Elizabeth Perkins... (On a side note... is that, or is that not statutory rape? I mean... he was mentally 13 or whatever, but he was by all outward appearances a man. Are we looking at a Mark Chmurra situation here where the girl told him she was 18, so that absolves him of responsibility? In either case, good job Hanks.)

Next week I'll be going to Disney. I'm thinking about posting my first Podcast FROM Disney World, as it's my birthday weekend, and I'm pretty sure I'll be so effing high on Mouse that I won't be able to type. The last time I tried to blog from Disney, it failed miserably.

If I Had a Billion Dollars

Hey Folks-

I had a dream the other night where I found a Genie, and it granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was infinite wealth. Why did I choose that over anything else, like... World Peace, Immortality, a killer bod. Well....essentially, I think I could use my other 2 wishes for those things, and also... I think my infinite wealth would cover a lot of bases.

So, in the spirit of my dream, and to take a long-lost blog post a step farther, I give you...

First, some rules:
1) I can't ever run out of money, so there's no such thing as being irresponsible.
2) For the purposes of this game, my money doesn't effect the world's financial balance in any way. For example were I to purchase all of the gold in Serbia from the Serbian government at 150% retail, that wouldn't immediately make Serbia a super-power.
3) Assume that I've already helped out the parents and siblings and friends with their needs.

And now...

5 Things Dan Would Do with Infinite Wealth.

1) Buy an NFL Team. Yeah... I would totally buy an NFL team. First, I should mention that this is what I did in my dream, so even if it's not totally in my top 5, I guess subconciously it is. There are a lot of reasons I'd do this. a) The Bengals...my "team of choice" are a fucking horrendous nightmare, and I feel that this is directly related to the idiot owner (Mike Brown). Yes.. I think I could be a better owner. b) I don't LOVE Mark Cuban in general, but I do kinda envy his lifestyle, and I love that he just got really rich and immediately bought himself a franchise, like it was Fantasy Basketball or something. Now he hangs out with rock stars and athletes and he seems like he has fun all the time. I couldn't deal with the basketball players...they kinda drive nuts. Baseball players are boring. I think football is the perfect sport in which to own a team. So...there's another addition to this one.. I wouldn't want to run the team. I would want to be involved on a semi-day to day basis, but I think that my buddy Alan could be a better GM than almost anyone in the league now, so instead of paying off his house directly, I'd hire him as General Manager of our team. Give him 3 years and we're a contender. I guarantee that. That would be awesome.

2) I'd donate a full scale, fully equipped theater facility to Thomas More College (my Alma Mater). I have reasons for this too...and conditions. a) I really think that the long-time head of the drama department at TMC deserves more than to see his program stagnate and die. He's a living legend, as far as I'm concerned. b) The department is fading, and I think that's mostly because there's not a lot of public attention on it. People don't even know it's there. A new state-of-the-art facility would solve that issue. c) They really need a new space. Versatile. d) I fully believe in giving back to the places that affected you and your life in a positive way. TMC Drama did that for me. Now...the condition? I'd get to be managing artistic director. For life. I'd want to see that my donation was being used wisely. I'd want to see a great effort in attracting local theater prospects. I don't want it to compete with CCM or NKU exactly... I think a BA is still valuable. But they need a larger group. A group that is less a club and more a department.

3) I'd purchase an Island. On this island, I'd build a giant home. Much like my Billionaire Role Model, Richard Branson. I don't have much to say about this, because I think it's pretty self explanatory. Actually..this item involves the purchase of several properties around the world. I'd have my island paradise. NOT Orlando (see item #4). I'd have a condo in Vegas (though there IS something to be said about staying in those crazy suites... I'd have a home in Cincinnati. That's probably it. I like the idea of having homes.

4) Disney World for LIFE. I'd call up Steve Jobs (CEO of Disney) and I'd ask him what I needed to do to get a lifetime pass to Disney World (with Golden Fast Pass) and a permanent suite just for me at whatever resort I wanted to stay in at that time. A million dollars? A billion? Does it matter? Nope. I'd pay them a million a year forever. I just want unlimited access to the parks for the rest of my life. I think that I've said enough.

5) I'd buy a ranch and a herd of horses. Probably in Wyoming or Colorado. It'd be open to guests. My cousin Abbey would run that portion for me, and she could live there. I'd have my own part of the property there too, but for the most part, it'd just be a really cool, beautiful place to visit that would make my cousin happy. I've always been drawn to the idea of being able to go somewhere peaceful and beautiful and clean and somewhat secluded. I think that with all of my responsibilities with all of my money, a place like that would be important.

So...there it is..what would YOU do?